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-   -   Been home for 6 months now! (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=719615)

Lexanianna 09-05-2019 02:19 AM

Been home for 6 months now!
 
I used to be quite active on this site a few years ago. My fiancÚ spent 5.5 years behind bars and this site was one of my main sources of support, especially when I didn't have much support from my family or friends. He was incarcerated in Australia and when he was sentenced I moved back to Sweden to study (I couldn't afford to study in Australia) and could only see him once a year. I moved back to Australia when he was released.

My man has been home for just over 6 months now. The day of his release was nothing like I had expected. For over 5 years I had dreamt of this day, I hadn't seen him in a year and I expected to feel ecstatic! I felt nothing. It was like it was too surreal, I felt like I was dreaming the entire day and I couldn't actually understand that the day I had been waiting for for so long was finally here.
The happiness came later. Once it started to sink in I finally felt all those things, and there are still times where it just hits me. It's over! And then I feel so happy that I might burst!

The first month was great but also very hard. We were so happy to be together but he struggled. Being around people, going to the shops or to Mcdonald's was too much for him. The amount of people around him, the choices, the prices, the changes, it was all incredibly hard on him. He was constantly overwhelmed the first few weeks, and there was so much he had to do, from appointments with parole to centrelink, the bank, medicare and so on. And finding out that most things are done online now.
It wasn't made easier by us living with his parents. His mum is mentally ill and they were very abusive as he was growing up. I knew it was a bad idea to stay with them and I tried to disuade my fiance but I think he has always craved their love and when his mum begged us to live with them he said yes. It lasted less than two weeks. His mum is very demanding and also irrational. Not a good combination. She was great as long as everything was done to her standards, so loving and caring and talking about how happy she was constantly.
She had given us a laundry basket, then without telling us she swapped which basket was ours and which one was theirs. And when we unknowingly used the basket which apparently was theirs now she lost it at us and started screaming. This went on with different things and she got progressively worse. Eventually if we did something wrong by accident she would threaten us and she was constantly screaming at my fiancÚ saying all her health problems was his fault and he is a horrible son and he is the reason for her depression. I could see my fiancÚ was already so stressed by trying to adapt and on top of that his heart was breaking. At that time he honestly wanted to go back to prison.
The last straw was when 7am she cornered me. We were not allowed to have sex in their house, we even slept in different bedrooms with his dad sleeping on the couch in between our rooms, but she knows we had sex before he went to prison. So she cornered me when I was alone and started calling me names for having had sex before marriage. My fiancÚ heard what was going on and came to defend me and she then threatened to call the police on him and said she would make sure he would go back to prison. We left that day. Luckily I was living out of my suitcase anyway and my fiancÚ didn't have much so we just grabbed our things and left. All while she was screaming abuse at us. The next 24 hours was horrible, I stayed with a friend but due to parole my fiancÚ couldn't actually move out of his parents place so he was trying to get a hold of them, all the while we were just waiting to see if the police was going to come and send him back. She didn't call the police luckily and we were able to move into a granny flat together the same week.

After that things have gotten better and better. He got a job with a decent wage. The job is stressful and often difficult but he is dealing with it. Parole had already classed him as a low risk re-offender and actually decided to cancel his monitored parole after less than a month!! He is technically still on parole but they told us that he is free to do as he pleases, except leave the state without informing them first.
He is getting more and more used to being out and at this date I can't remember the last time he was overwhelmed. We often even forget he was incarcerated because we have created our own new normal. He is staying away from his old life and old "friends". Whenever someone has tried to make contact he has told them "Where were you when I was in prison?". He told me I was the one who waited for him and I am the person he will stick by. He decided in prison to get away from the criminal life. He proved it while he was in prison and he's proving it while out of prison.

We have had some massive fights along the way, usually because things were too much for both of us at the same time, we even came close to breaking up once. But communication is key and we managed to work through it and came out stronger together.

We are currently planning our wedding which will take place in February! We are keeping it very low key and casual with 20-30 guests, we want to get married soon but we are also realistic enough to know that planning a huge wedding would be too much for us to deal with at this point. Plus we are very happy to just have our most loved ones there on the day and be able to eat a lot of great food and have a great time without going into debt.
My dad started coming around to the relationship about a year before he was released and is now great support. The rest of my family came around much earlier. My family is travelling down to Australia for the wedding.
We are even thinking about skipping birth control after the wedding and just see what happens. He is turning 40 this weekend so it seems a good thing to start soon.

Things are going great. Waiting for him was incredibly difficult but we were always there for each other and our relationship grew through the experience. Him coming out was at first a massive rollercoaster and also very difficult at times.
But it was all worth it. I love this man with all my heart and deciding to stay with him through the hard times was the best decision I ever made. And in just a few months I am finally marrying the love of my life!

Firebrand 09-05-2019 11:07 AM

What is a granny flat, Lexanianna? Australia to Sweden back to Australia,huh? I've been out of Texas rarely in my lifetime. Australia and especially Sweden sound like rather exotic places. Hope your boyfriend is doing well in the aftermath of his prison stay.

miamac 09-05-2019 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lexanianna (Post 7792177)
My man has been home for just over 6 months now. The day of his release was nothing like I had expected. For over 5 years I had dreamt of this day, I hadn't seen him in a year and I expected to feel ecstatic! I felt nothing. It was like it was too surreal, I felt like I was dreaming the entire day and I couldn't actually understand that the day I had been waiting for for so long was finally here.

I'm so glad you said this. I expect that's how I'll feel, as well. I don't process big news well, I go into paralysis mode. He's been asking me about how I think the first few hours after pickup will go and I honestly don't think they'll "go" at all. Lol I'll be concerned with driving and practical things.

I'm truly happy for the both of you and sorry that it has had it's big bumps, but from what I read that's pretty normal. Thank you for the update and please keep checking back in! :)

Lexanianna 09-05-2019 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Firebrand (Post 7792219)
What is a granny flat, Lexanianna? Australia to Sweden back to Australia,huh? I've been out of Texas rarely in my lifetime. Australia and especially Sweden sound like rather exotic places. Hope your boyfriend is doing well in the aftermath of his prison stay.

A granny flat is a mini apartment on someone's property. Usually where someone has rebuilt their garage. We live in a one bedroom granny flat that used to be a bigger garage. We have our own entrance, kitchen and bathroom.

I've been very fortunate. Being Swedish we get a lot of support from the government when we study and I was also working part time. Any job in Sweden is legally required to pay a wage big enough to live on. So between everything I made enough money to travel to Australia once a year, travel in Europe whenever I had a long weekend available, and once I graduated and started working full time to save up for a visa to Australia. I've managed to travel to 54 countries this way. But I was also extremely frugal with everything else. And my fiancÚ was supportive every step of the way.

Firebrand 09-06-2019 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lexanianna (Post 7792287)
A granny flat is a mini apartment on someone's property. Usually where someone has rebuilt their garage. We live in a one bedroom granny flat that used to be a bigger garage. We have our own entrance, kitchen and bathroom.

I've been very fortunate. Being Swedish we get a lot of support from the government when we study and I was also working part time. Any job in Sweden is legally required to pay a wage big enough to live on. So between everything I made enough money to travel to Australia once a year, travel in Europe whenever I had a long weekend available, and once I graduated and started working full time to save up for a visa to Australia. I've managed to travel to 54 countries this way. But I was also extremely frugal with everything else. And my fiancÚ was supportive every step of the way.

wow....that Sweden sounds like a really great place to live.

sidewalker 09-07-2019 10:55 AM

Glad you guys are doing well. Congrats on the upcoming wedding.


Also really glad you got out of his mothers house.

Lexanianna 09-09-2019 01:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miamac (Post 7792229)
I'm so glad you said this. I expect that's how I'll feel, as well. I don't process big news well, I go into paralysis mode. He's been asking me about how I think the first few hours after pickup will go and I honestly don't think they'll "go" at all. Lol I'll be concerned with driving and practical things.

I'm truly happy for the both of you and sorry that it has had it's big bumps, but from what I read that's pretty normal. Thank you for the update and please keep checking back in! :)

Yeah it's a surreal experience. I don't feel like I missed out on the happiness though, it was just a bit delayed. :D
You've waited for your partner a long time too haven't you?

Well I think one thing that's been good is that we're both realistic. Before he got out we talked about how it was sure to be difficult for the first 6 months to a year. Him adjusting to the outside and me adjusting to a new country without any family or friends (and I also started on birth control which made things 10 times worse for me). And we talked about how we would handle it. When we fight we fight fair. We don't call each other names and we don't intentionally hurt the other.
Expecting it to take a while to settle made it easier to deal with. And we managed to settle in a lot sooner than expected. We only had one big problem and we managed to work it out together.
We are not perfect but we've always said that we're partners not enemies and need to work things out together as a team.
And we implement the "pause" thing. When we're upset one of us can pause it and we'll tell each other "I love you" and we might have a quick cuddle. So then when we continue the argument we have what's important in mind.
It's a good system and we're very happy together.


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