Let me start by saying I know I shouldn't whine as I am lucky he is doing well and there are not bigger obstacles facing us,in the grand scheme of things these are minor but honestly it gets tiring and sometimes frusturating being the only transpo. and main money maker and it is worrisome wondering how he/we will ever make it as far as money,transportation and a home for him (or us plus eventually his kids if he gets them) goes.I was up half the night last night racking my brain trying to figure out a way to get a second vehicle,its just not possible!

I do not mind doing what I have to do for him to be sucussfull I will support him in any way possible honestly I'm just starting to suffer from burn out as my job is very demanding(Plus I do babysitting and housecleaning on the side ) on top of making countless trips back and forth out of town and trying to pay for everything I normally do plus some added expenses.

I thought the job search would be a big obstacle but he has been lucky and found part time work, it is not a dream job but it is a job thats all that matters.That is defenitly a good thing.

I think right now our biggest issue is transportation as he doesn't have a car.He takes the bus or has me drive him to all of his classes,meetings with the PO,twice weekly testing,his job etc.He lives 30 minutes away so it is rough especially the gas bill YIKES!!! This Sunday alone I will have to make 3 trips to and from his town to mine due to our schedules.

We just don't see any way for him to get a car though as he just got hired and is only part time and has to pay $40 a week for classes and he is afraid to take on a car payment as depending on the outcome of his kids court case he will be paying child support if he does not get granted custody.
Another issue is he is unable to work full time right now as the classes and meetings he is REQUIRED to do are all during the week day afternoons(5 seperate appointments). I don't see how they expect people to get a job and make it out here when they make mandatory meetings during normal work hours! As of now he is working all weekends and a few early week day shifts.If he had a car he could work more hours but he has to spend a couple of hours getting to and from appointments by bus due to where he lives.Weekends is another issue as that is the only time he gets to see his kids but now he has to work all weekend.

Speaking of kids he will have to have a place for he and them to live if he does get custody.How will he ever be able to pay rent,get a car and support his kids on 30 hours a week?

Living together would make things a bit easier but we both agree we want to do it for the right reasons not because we feel we have to.Not to mention due to parole he would either have to transfer counties or I would have to move neither of which is a good option at this point in time as his PO is very cool and he doesnt want to give that up and I am very happy in my home and worked very hard to get out here about a year ago to my old hometown after a few years away.I found a nice place I can afford,close to family,friends and work and I love my neighborhood etc.

Just tired (mainly physically but some emotionally)and getting it off my chest!

Sweetie, you have been on such an emotional ride since he has been home. What it sounds like to me is you need to pray to God for his help and wisdome. Let God know what you need and he will take care of it.
I am really happy to hear that at least he got a job, whether it be part time or full time and that he is doing everything that he is suppose to do.
Little suggetion ok: Take a day to yourself and don't play taxi or miss fix it for a day. It is okay to do that and he will totally understand. You went from having all this time to yourself doing things for you and what it sounds like that maybe you are not having time for you.
I know all that running around would be a totally emotional tiredness on me also.
Girl you are doing great. Just take sometime for you. Love Jeanne

You deserve a big pat on the back and a very big HUG. I was in that situation several years ago and the resentment can start building in a big hurry. I think you are doing the best thing you can do in that situation is what you are doing now, VENT, here on PTO. It is so much better than keeping it in. I am sure he feels very bad that you have to do it too. Try to keep your attitude upbeat. I used to be resentful and kept it inside, but boy my attitude would tell him a story every time I had to take him anywhere. I would just sit and think that it just wasn't fair because I didn't do anything wrong and why was I being punished. We were married and had children and he was the main income at that time. My trade-off was quitting my job so I could be available for all of his "needs". He was doing the best he could but I was still resentful. Try to remember how far both of you have come, just since he has been home (I have read many of your posts) and try to take comfort in that. If there is anything at all that he can do to help you -- maybe even a foot rub or neck massage -- to helping with pumping gas or chipping in a few dollars for gas, let him know because sometimes they just don't think of those things. It will get better, day-by-day and thank goodness he has a job! Hang in there and pray. Another thing I still do to this day, is always carry magazines or a book in the car so if you have to wait for him at least you have distractions while waiting; don't just sit and think of all the things you should or would prefer to do instead of waiting. Now I don't have to wait for my husband (I am remarried) but at times I have to transport my son, but again that is getting to be less and less. Again, venting to others is not whining, it really does help and please feel free to vent to me any time. Try to keep thinking for just today, every day, and pretty soon it will be better, I promise.

Hon, I agree with JFtazzy102. You need some you time. I know the feeling and my husband isn't at home. I work full time for the Govt 5:30 am to 5 pm regular working days Mon-Thurs but have been doing overtime since the disaster earthquake, and we also support our soldiers as well. So that puts me working Mon-Sat, 10 hour shifts. I have 3 kids, my son went to live with my sister because of the school there and basketball opportunities. He is 15, my two girls are 13 and 7 and demand a lot of my time, my oldest daughter is disabled. Plus I go to school online full time, then I have my online business I work. It was getting so hectic, I didn't have time for myself let alone to relax and just watch a movie or a favorite T.V. show.
Once I took the time out for myself and stopped trying to fix everything for a day and worrying about bills and food and just prayed and relaxed it seemed like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Then got the news from my husband they sent him to CMC and I live 45 mintues from Reno Nevada so that is a long drive.
Give your troubles to God, he will not put anymore on you then you can bare. :)

I agree - you should try and take a day or two just to relax and think of your own needs - you really need a break from everything. Can't anyone else in his family share the driving duties? How long will the classes last?

What you are going through right now is my biggest fear. Recently they changed Chris parole hearing date from 2005 to 2008. He is honestly taking it harder then I am. As much as I want him home with me these exact same things you are going through scare me. In my mind each day he's in is one less day on paper.

I know that being out is enough of an adjustment, but the pressures of approved jobs, approved living arrangments, cost of supervision and other conditions that parole brings only cause added pressure that most stable people would have a hard time with.

In the past I have been in situations where I felt pressure to do something I dont really want. I can relate to what you are feeling when it comes to not living with him for the wrong reasons and the moving issue. Either way it can cause a great deal of resentment. If you move when thats not what you really want you may end up resenting him, but if he moves and gets a nasty parole he may end up resenting you. Either way its a tough decision and you are both between a rock and a hard place.

I know that around here voc rehab helps paroled inmates get a cheap car. Is there anything around there that can help him get even an inexpensive car? What about some sort of housing like low income that goes on a sliding scale. Either section 8 or just low income apartments. Has he talked to his parole officer and asked him about resources that can help? I would think there would be someone that could help him not only get things lined out for him, but for his kids as well.

Thanks gang! To show how emotionaly wrung out I am I cried reading your responses,in a way it felt/feels good to get some tears out! Thank you for your understanding and support!

Jftazzy and Cysreese, Thanks! your right I do need some me time! I'm getting it for the most part today until tonight when I will go visit him.I've been sleeping off and on all day between PTO and am still in my pj's :)

DLM,One class is only 6 weeks longer but the other is an entire year.His testing will be twice a week until at least June when he goes back to court for the kids and then once weekly for his PO still I believe until he is off parole which could be Jan 2006 if he does well.He does have family which live closer (or with him) that have transpo but unfortunatly they are not willing to help out much.

TNC,I'm not aware of any programs around here that will help with a car but there are some that may help him with housing when he is finacially able to take on rent.

Bsteph,I am starting to feel some resentment and that scares me! I'm glad you mentioned that and understand how it feels as what you said you felt is how I am feeling but trying very hard not to!

Honey I feel you completely!!!

Phil can't get his license back for a very very long time. My situation is a little different. I don't do as much as you so I can only imagine how you feel right now. I am exhausted. We commute Mon thru Fri together for a 30 min drive as well. I have finally just moved down here. He has an appointment every week too plus UA's. Plus Antabuse every other day. Plus I am almost 3 months pregnant. So I know you have got to be tired girl!!

Take the advice from above. Take time to yourself. You need it. And you deserve it. I am actually doing that myself today. He is out with his Uncle and said if I want to do something with him today to go get him. Guess what?? I am still in my pajamas and am not going anywhere anytime soon!!!

I hope you get some rest. I have good thoughts going your way.

I need a nap. Reading your post has worn me out.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))

JJT

Girl..."vent" away...let it all out. We have to remember not to keep everything bottled inside all the time..trust me, (as you know) I'm guilty of this. I don't know of much more to say than the others have said...but, I wanted to offer you a big (((((hugg)))))

~Sel~

oh, Pali. I feel for you girl. I remember doing all of that (though it was years ago.) It was tough. I would leave my job at 3 pm and be running all over picking him up and then back to my house and then back to his halfway house. It was exhausting. My brand new car got 60+ thousand miles on it in one year. !!! I was younger then and our son had not been born yet but it was still tough. The best advice I can give is to take everything day-by-day/ ...one day at a time so it is not so overhwhelming. I do that NOW (in a MAster's degree program fulltime AND work fulltime and have a teen son and husband...YIKES!) In my case, all those years ago, he DID get paroled to me and it was nice because that cut down our driving time. He also DID eventually get a truck of his own but ti was tough until then. Good luck!
Raina

Aw Cali, I do not have any words of wisdom but I empathize with you. Take a hot bath!

oddly enough i don't know what to say either

i just want you to know i read your post and i pray your strength.

:grouphug:

Remember to take it one day at a time .. I'm still in dream land .. walking on the clouds loving MyGuy and having him home ...

It's been a tough road, but we survived it .. we see the PO for the 1st time Tuesday .. we'll find out what the requirments for classes/UAs and other stuff .. .he didn't have any drug charges or anything so we're hoping for the best in that area ... we only have till July .. and are committed to making it through this together ..

:grouphug:

One day at a time ... this too shall pass.
:heart: I LOVE MYGUY :love:

Hang in there. Maybe you should take a "ME" day.

Thanks everyone! I took a me day yesterday and it really did help.Now of course I am stressed thinking of all the millions of things I must do this coming week BUT I can do it.I will do it and I won't show any resentment towards him (I'll just come vent to you!)I know if things could be different right now for him they would be.It's rough on him not having transpo and having to rely on me,I know it makes him feel bad.
Just gotta keep plugging along and eventually things will get better....Everything has been a step in the right direction this far,I know it will take some time but eventually things will improve. I just have to watch my burn out factor because I know myself and know I get in a big funk when I'm really burned out like I am right now.I'm going to TRY to set aside a day each week after work where I have NOTHING to do so I can come home and just relax

Cali, I wish you the best and pray for your strength. I'm glad you took some me time. I hope your plan to take a day every week helps. It has for me. Make sure you take care of yourself, being burnt out can cause health problems, and nervous break downs. I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't forget ME TIME!! :)

I hope you have a wonderful week and remember to take it one day at a time so you don't get overwhelmed any more than you are.

yes, i too am exhausted, and having a panic attack...

okay, you have looked at the big picture..but, now you need to let that go..and, focus on each day, and feel good for the accompllishments of that day....looking at how far one has to go is so overwhelming, and, yes it can freeze you in your tracks..
but, look how far you two have come!!!!!

definitley vent to us...it is healthy...

i just re-read your post to see, if i could thing of anything,,,
it sure is a tight one...

can he get a night job..even if it is one or two nights a week..
hotels, and hospitals are open 24/7....

think about this as well, if you weren't here, how would he make it?....he would, wouldn't he..as rough as all these demands are....he would find a way...

i totally feel for you both...
and, i know this is so hard, and you do love him...but, okay let me ask you this, what would happen if once a week you had some down time...what would happen that would be so terrible?

of course, re-building a life, and the demands of parole are hard..and believe, this too shall pass..

is he going to 12-step mtgs...because, often at the men's meetings guys share about their situations.....and, many often help...and he would just keep sharing about it until someone did..

often, people will help with transportation!!!!!!
maybe, offer him a job that pays more!!!
all this is very common in 12-step..
he would get a sponsor who also will guide him...

what you are doing is too much for one person..

if i think of more i will be posting
both of you are in my prayers
fondly
francis

Thanks ladies :)

Thank you Francis,He is going to meetings periodicaly and yes maybe he can get a second pt job on the weeknights but he just started this one so we have to see his schedule first.
I am trying to make sure I have a day for me and not get caught up in the long term plans but it is so hard seeing no way out of this,no way to make it better ya know? I think my issue is I want results now while he knows things have to go slow as there isnt much more he can be doing then he already is and while he isnt happy with it he is semi content to let things be as they are but I just see the big picture and it bothers me I cant make things better,I dont know sometimes Im ok with things but lately I am just sad and worried about how we are going to make it seperatly and as a couple with money issues,transportation issues,his kids custody battle etc. I dont mean how WE are going to make it together as I believe we will, we are in it together forever.I just mean how we are ever going to be finacially stable etc

I need to chill out and not take on more then I can handle and not stress over every little thing but that is so not me! I need to learn how to let it be me though or I am going to drive myself nuts with stress!