Sorry~maybe it's just that I haven't been a member long enough, but I feel like every morning I sign on anymore someone else is breaking up or getting a divorce like within a short time after their spouse is home.

Don't get me wrong, I would never encourage someone to stay with a person they were not happy with....

I just feel bad, all these girl do all this counting down, and get extremely excited and then when they come home, it's just not what they thought it would be.

My Love goes out out to all you ladies that are starting a new path for yourself!

Stay Strong & and have a Blessed New Year!!!!!!!

I have noticed it too! But I feel this site has such strong women that all this ladies will be better off with out them. They have been independant for some time now what will it change. Maybe them going away was just a blessing in disguise for them to see who they were really with.

To all you Ladies~ Stay strong and Good luck to you in 2005!!

It does seem like people are experiencing extreme hardships and trials in their relationships right now.

My fiance has been out for 6 months now and it has not been an easy battle, but we continue to work through it. Right now things are on the UP hill....right now. But you know, I still love this man, no matter how hard times are. I am grateful that he is out of prison and that our family is together. However, I do harbor some extremely bitter and angry feelings towards what he put our family through.

There has been a couple arguments where I have asked him to leave. Once he did and he was back a few days later, but we both know that we are not willing to give into this adjustment period. I grew independent, strong and brave and he grew lonely, depressed and developed feelings of no self worth. Both of these things are being compromised for me and healed for him. A lot has changed and will continue to change, so we just got to roll with it :)

I think the hardest about making things work when they come home is the expectations we have and aspirations, as well. But this is life and things don't go according to our plans, there is a bigger plan that we don't even know about. It's very discouraging to "stick it out" or stand by our loved ones during their incarceration and have things go downhill when the come home. But as I have said in other posts in this very forum, this whole experience is like spending a day at Six Flags.... you're getting off one roller coaster and running down the path and just hopping on another!

But I am also a firm believe that you can not force something to work if it was not meant to be and that there is only one person in everyone's life that controls their happiness... and that is themselves. Sometimes getting out of a "bad" relationship is necessary to continue being happy with our lives, and sometimes working through issues that can be resolved is just another trial in a relationship. Everyone is different.

But I wish all of us, those working through hard times, adjustments, whatever kind of issues in our relationships with our loved one's who have come home and those ending a painful, dead end relationship, a happy new year.... a year that brings happiness and a positive, happy year for our relationships! :)

No,it's not you I have seen my 3 1/2 year relationship recently blow up in my face! I thought it was very strong and then boom it's all done because he says so. I'm hoping we find ourselves back together, but as time continues I will let go of him and move on.

I believe one of the largest factors is not enough if any reintigtation counseling. My wife and I did a lot while I was locked up just prior to my release and it helped us emencely. I highly recomend it. We are pushing now to take that roll in our own prison. Each has to work together at making it work.

BUS~ I think your absolutely right....

I have noticed that too and it makes me nervous. I feel bad for all these women and men counting down and then getting hurt. I wish everyone the best!

All the best to everyone. I have noticed the same % of relationships working and not working on PTO as there are in the general population.

YOU KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA COUNSELING...DO YOU KNOW IF MANY PRISON'S HAVE THAT SORT OF COUNCELING? IF NOT I WONDER HOW IT COULD BE APPROACHED TO SOME ONE IN THE FACILITY, MAYBE THE CHAPLAINS THAT THIS WOULD BE SOMETHING OF INTREST, BECAUSE I KNOW THEIR ARE PEOPLE WHO HATE THE IDEA OF COUNSELING BUT I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE IN COUNSELING THAT IN A COUTR ROOM GOING THROUGH DIVORCE. I AM NOT SURE THE STATE WOULD WANT TO FUND OR TAKE THE TIME TO PROVIDE A PROGRAM LIKE THIS BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA.

We started with me asking a voluntere chaplain at the prison. She already had her credentials and a great reputation with the staff. I then submitted a request to the chaplain for this to take place. He cleared it with the warden.
Whoever is serving the time should consult the chaplain. Just to satisfy your curiosity you may be able to call and talk with the prison's voluntere coordinator. Thay should be able to help too.

It is true that many of the relationships we read about in this forum are in transition, a period of adjustment or just plain over. It saddens me to see this happen but as mentioned above I too would not want to see someone in a painful/harmful situation.

Sebastian has been home since September 15th and while it has been mostly good we've had our moments. No we haven't come close to breaking up (knock on wood!) but we've had to work through a few things. I think the reason we haven't given in or given up has to do with the fact that while he was still away we were very real with one another about our expectations and I don't think we've ever deviated from that.

Even though a tiny part of me fantasized about him riding up on a white horse I knew the reality was that it would be a family members borrowed car. I also feel that I am fortunate in that Sebastian has really made the adjustment from prison to home rather smoothly as compared to what I've heard from others. The one difficulty for him being in finding employment opportunities.

To be completely honest, I feel that it has been more difficult for me to adjust than for him. Even though he came home and did just what he said he would, never breaking any promises to me infact treating me even better than I had hoped for I still have had my own issues that have crept in from time to time and made our relationship difficult at times. I am working on this. We are working on this. The bottom line is it takes two to make a relationship work.

I am hopeful for our future and I pray that all those with loved ones at home now will find joy, peace and love whatever path they choose.

Always,
Patty

I have witnessed just as many relationships breaking up on the outside then on PTO lately. It must be in the drinking water.

I think we've all noticed the changes but didn't know what to say. Relationships like ours need more nuturing, patience and understanding.

He has been home since May 04, and we've had some good and bad times, but I would have to say the good out weigh the bad. We have a strong support system and we work at keeping our relationship together

All the best to everyone. I have noticed the same % of relationships working and not working on PTO as there are in the general population.
Just what I was thinking.:yes:

Relationships like ours need more nuturing, patience and understanding.

Sebastian just got here. We've been discussing this thread and MY irrational fears...

He agrees with you thunder but would add: FAITH

Keepin' the faith,
Patty and Sebastian

I honestly believe that the guy has to want to be in the relationship. Many times when they are down, they are writing out of hope, etc., but when they come home, reality kicks in. If the person that was in prison does not want to be in the relationship when they come home, it won't last.

We just don't know. We have to take that risk and ask God to lead and guide us. With any relationship, you just don't know.

Because most of these guys are very troubled, are coming directly from prison, are being thrown back into the “real“ world, and they are ill prepared to deal with it. The fantasy of "living happily ever after" is nothing like the reality of what most of you will experience. It will take a lot of time for them to readjust to society and be capable of living a "normal" life. I posted a long message about this a while ago here: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=89763 based on my firsthand experience of being in a relationship with a man just released from prison. We later married and still love each other tons, but he’s back in prison now. The most important thing is to realize it will take a *tremendous* amount of patience, understanding and continued selfLESSness (not selfishness) to make it work. It is a lot harder than it seems. ESPECIALLY if you’ve never lived together before.

I agree with HotLatin in the sense that the adjustment period seems to be harder for me then for him.While things are going well for us we have had a few difficult times in the month he has been home so far though nothing major and nothing that has even made me think twice about us.It does take a whole lot of patience something I don't have much of but am learning every day to have more of!

It depends on the individual. You have to want this!! Bottom line!! Yes, our love one may talk a good game while they are locked up but when it's time to come home, "Reality" kicks in!! Again, if you want this relationship to work then you will work at it none stop!! I believe some of us want the same attention that was given to us while our love one was locked up and sometimes that's not the case. I have shared with my husband some of the stories that I have read on this site and we both agreed if we can stand by each other as we go through this storm, anything following it WE SHALL HANDLE TOGETHER!! We SHALL get through whatever we have to deal with in our future!! DIVORCE WILL NOT BE AN OPTION FOR US, BOTTOM LINE!!! Yes, everyone's situation is different however in my case, I can't see waiting on this man all this time and he comes home and there is no us!! That will not be the case!! My prayers go out to every relationship on this site and I hope that everyone has a happy and prosperous New Year!! :)

When he came home, it was tough. The adjustment was hard for the both of us.

HOWEVER, when he went to prison, that was tougher X a billion. And the adjustment was harder X a gazillion.

The prison experience actually made our relationship stronger. When he was facing his prison time and the uncertainty of actually knowing how much time he would get, he loved me enough to try and let me go.

I loved him enough to stick around.

HOWEVER, had he decided to go back to dope once he got home, I wouldn't be here typing this right now. We wouldn't be together and my tone would probably be totally different. I would have written an "It's over..." post long, long ago.

I'm no expert, but I once heard somebody much smarter than me say, "If nothing changes then nothing changes." He changed and I changed...and thus far, those changes have been for the better.

I had no way of knowing if the changes were sincere or a line of BS until he was home.

Best wishes to all of you in 2005.

I feel like every morning I sign on anymore someone else is breaking up or getting a divorce like within a short time after their spouse is home.

Personally, I have read many posts where the relationship DOES work out. I have spoken to many people here, and read many posts here where the relationship was tough coming home but they are still MAKING IT!

Think Positive, Have Faith!

"IS it ME??~OR are relationships dropping like FLIES over here?" Scary

No, it's not you Scary -- it's the men. The women give their all believing they know their man and when they come out and do the complete opposite of what they promised, the women learn that they didn't know him at all. That because he broke all his promises. To be honest, because the men have so many issues, I don't think they know their own self and that's why they can't make good on their word to their women after release.

I think the guys are crazy. Let's take my husband for instance -- over the course of 8 years he had my name tatooed on his body 7 places, yet after releases I've been dogmeat to him. You figure with all that tatooing the LAST thing a man gon do is mess up because what [next] woman is gonna want to look at all that. His body is georgeous -- if you were his woman you'd want him to take his clothes off so you could see his body, but then when you see a woman's name all over it it's enuf to make you say "nevermind --put your clothes back on". Do I have his name on me? I said he's the crazy one -- not me. But then again, my momma is a bit wacky, my great aunt was craziern a bedbug -- shucks -- I just might be a lil bit crazy myself!! [for still being there] LOL

I've noticed it too ... sometimes it gets really discouraging, but look at the ones that make it!! That's what we all count down to :) Hoping we'll make it too. What's meant to be will always find a way

I didn't mean to sound as if I was so negative.

I just noticed that right around the holidays people were breakin up left and right.

And my concern was more so about the PTOer's that have been let down after putting so much into the relationship. I know what it takes to stand by someone when they are away and it's hard especially with kids and what not. Plus, although Scary has a good family, they all turn their heads when he is away, which leaves all the burden on me.
Last year Scary and I split after I stood by him through another incarceration. And I was devastated.

I know what these ladies are going through...and my heart goes out to them to stay strong, and remember that you had done everything to make it work...it's not you, it's the certain ungrateful men, that have no idea what it's like to be on the other side of things.

I just feel the need to say that I decided to end my fifteen-year relationship/marriage ONLY after going through one previous fourteen months incarceration, twenty drug rehabs over a five-year period, marriage counseling and spiritual counseling...

If you think about it...he left our marriage and family a long, long time ago by choosing drugs over his wife and son who cherish him. This has been the most depressing, sad and hurtful time in our lives and it still feels like a nightmare I have yet to awaken from. I took our marriage vows seriously...problem was...he didn't. In his efforts to get and remain high and live an illegal lifestyle, he left behind a woman whose heart is crushed and a son who doesn't understand why his father keeps choosing drugs over him.

I admire all the women who struggle to maintain and improve their relationships...and I have the ultimate respect for the women who put aside the pain in the hearts to move on and get the life that they deserve...

Someone recently said to me, "Why should you settle for the one you live with...Wait for the one you can't live without"....

Sorry~maybe it's just that I haven't been a member long enough, but I feel like every morning I sign on anymore someone else is breaking up or getting a divorce like within a short time after their spouse is home.

Don't get me wrong, I would never encourage someone to stay with a person they were not happy with....

I just feel bad, all these girl do all this counting down, and get extremely excited and then when they come home, it's just not what they thought it would be.

My Love goes out out to all you ladies that are starting a new path for yourself!

Stay Strong & and have a Blessed New Year!!!!!!!
Wow.....that is a scary thought!!!! We will do everything in our power to make our marriage work. We do have the advantage of NO addictions! Neither of us drink smoke or do drugs so.....

But if you are a success story after release we'd love to hear about it! At least I would!

Thanks

"IS it ME??~OR are relationships dropping like FLIES over here?" Scary

No, it's not you Scary -- it's the men. The women give their all believing they know their man and when they come out and do the complete opposite of what they promised, the women learn that they didn't know him at all. That because he broke all his promises. To be honest, because the men have so many issues, I don't think they know their own self and that's why they can't make good on their word to their women after release.

I think the guys are crazy. Let's take my husband for instance -- over the course of 8 years he had my name tatooed on his body 7 places, yet after releases I've been dogmeat to him. You figure with all that tatooing the LAST thing a man gon do is mess up because what [next] woman is gonna want to look at all that. His body is georgeous -- if you were his woman you'd want him to take his clothes off so you could see his body, but then when you see a woman's name all over it it's enuf to make you say "nevermind --put your clothes back on". Do I have his name on me? I said he's the crazy one -- not me. But then again, my momma is a bit wacky, my great aunt was craziern a bedbug -- shucks -- I just might be a lil bit crazy myself!! [for still being there] LOL
Cute post........haha. I'd love to hear more details of the trouble you've run into. Help me prepare for what could come! Thanks

I guess my relationship is just another 'statistic'... Myself, I am in the midst of picking up and moving on myself. I truly didn't expect the end of this relationship, but here I am faced with it. Lost as hell.... don't know what to do. I'm just learning to live again and it's hard. Dear God, is it hard!
I wish you all a blessed New Year...

Lisa

im moving on also..he moves on with another girl..which doesnt phaze me much..

theres so much u can do for a man..and yes they need to adjust..but when ur the only one putting in the work let it goo..u deserve better

belive me i was blind too..it took awhile to realize im better of without him..no doubt i miss certain things..little things remind me of him..but im better off..he played me for a fool and mama didnt raise no fool =) so im movingg on

all my love to the ladies who stood by but now are moving on..theres more out there 4 us ! its hard to let go..the tears will fall..but girll ur better than that !

Mrs Maze, I am so proud of you! You deserve the utmost happiness!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))))

I have AT LEAST 3 years to go before my husband comes home, and we frequently talk at great length about situations we will face when he comes home. We both know it will be tough, but we believe it will be better because at least we will be facing the challenges together.

I guess my question is did those of you who knew your man before he was locked up truly believe he had changed? I have seen enormous changes in my husband (who I knew for 4 years prior to his incarceration) and I believe they are for real, but reading all these posts scares me!

In response to your question about really thinking my husband had changed...

Yes, I did because he had never spent time such a significant time away from me or our son and I thought we meant something to him...

Actions speak louder than ANY words...painful but true. You need to see them prove all the things that they may say while incarcerated.

You know, my son was in a college marching band, and the alumni band has a motto -- "you're only young once, but immaturity lasts forever" and it's been my observation that just might be what is behind one side or the other of a lot of these breakups -- someone just doesn't want to grow up and face reality and responsibilty and the real hard cold world out there. I know when my husband gets out that I will probably end up being the bread winner -- he is in charged as an SO and the Texas Judge and DA refuse to accept the recantation of his accuser -- they say she is just afraid of him -- she doesn't really mean it! He is older so those two strikes will probably keep him from getting a job. Does this bother me? Hell yes -- I wanted us to be able to do things together but I will be too busy working to support us -- do I mind -- for us, no -- because of society and that judge -- yes. Will we make it -- yes -- we believe in each other and we believe in God. We have been in love with each other for 45 years -- we were practically babies when we met and fell in love -- we got stupid and went our separate ways, but God brought us back together and he will keep us together. I believe that any relationship that involves an inmate that doesn't involve God or some higher power is doomed from the start. That is just my opinion and you can do what you want with it. I pray for all of us and I wish each and every one of you Good Luck and God Speed.

I also have noticed it. I was just saying that to my mom this morning, and I have been a member for over a year, so no, it isn't just you. :)

it does make me nervous but at the same time, seeing what poeple went through or what broke people up, helps me to understand what Joe and I have to keep a close watch on, and get through. I have faith in our relationship, with all my heart. that is the main thing!! I believe.