I am doing some research for my midterm in college, and it is about domestic violence.

What is it about these men who beat on you that makes you want to stay? Is it because you understand why he got angry and did this to you? Or is it much deeper than that? Any insight you could give me would be very helpful. I am not here to lecture anyone on their choices, I will respect that you girls know what youre doing. Just dont have the answers I need since I am not in the situation, and prefer not to get my butt kicked in order to find out.

I have some friends that I grew up with who are in prison, I have a cousin in Soledad right now too. He and I are very close. He never went in for DV though, he was a drug rep (to put it politely). And none of my friends ever went in for DV, it was all for either stealing cars or selling weed. So I dont really have any way to ask for this info.

I chose DV because it happens so often, and so often women will stay with the man they put behind bars. And little is know as to why. We the people have Love defined a particular way, and the way it is defined most often leaves no room for hurt, anger or violence since youre supposed to value your significant others feelings and person as much as you value yourself. So would you say it is that you are in "love" with the inmate or is it better defined another way?
Generally, at least traditionally, when you are in love, the feeling is mutual. Otherwise its a moot point and you may as well run along and find someone who will love you back, that way you can be IN love and when that happens, you dont have to worry about being beat up and having to visit in jails because the man you choose to give your all to, would never lose his cool and hurt you.

So any input anyone could give me would be great as this subject does mystify us all. Most of us just want to understand why our friends, relatives and neighbors would remain loyal to an abusive mate. Perhaps if we all understood, we wouldnt be so upset by it. I would love it if I had some quotes from some of you that I could use in my paper. Makes it more real if I actually found someone to talk to about this than if I just made up something and put my assumptions on paper. I am a pretty good BS'er if I need to be. :thumbsup:

I think you'd find more input in the domestic violence forum...welcome to PTO

Many women stay with an abuser because of low self esteem issues. Many stay
because the abuser may have a good job and with that security don't want to
find themselves standing in a Welfare line.. Many stay for children's sake, whether they are being abused with her or not. When a woman is beaten, belittled, sconed, made to feel like a pos than she decides that this is better than nothing. Many women has killed their abusers only to find themselves in
prison for murder. Which in my personal opinion is wrong. They take it and take it and take it, till one day they can take no more, and lash out at their abuser
thus taking his life to end the pain and misery, which often backfires for the victim who then finds herself with her life already ruined in a prison setting. My
late wife Suzi was a victim of domestic violence. The sob went as far as to slash
her throat. That was the breaking point for Suzi to realize it is him or I. She left
the relationship after taking nearly 10 years of physical and mental abuse. I asked Suzi long ago why she would stay with her ex after he treated her like a
doormat, and her reply was simple, " I had no where else to go"..and that was
sad to hear. Sure they have shelters for women who are subjected to men
breaking their spirits, yet most of them return to the ugliness that they once
left. It's all about self esteem and confidence. You can't have one without the
other. Then again there are men who are subjected to domestic violence as
well, mental and physcial abuse. Suzi was the warmest, most compassionate
soul that had ever touched my life. She was a strong woman. She took more
abuse than I would have ever had taken in my life. The last I heard about her
ex was he was again jailed in SLO county for beating his other wife, she left him on the spot and filed for divorce. But the cycle continues with this man.
Recently my step son went back to SLO county, and is living with his dad, the
sob that abused not only Ted but my wife as well. I just hope that Ted will
not lose his temper and a fight starts, the last thing my stepson needs is to
land in jail with this sob. And what have the courts in SLO county do for this
monster, gave him community service and a 250.00 dollar fine. No counseloring, or anything of that nature. And the cycle will continue in every
relationship that this sob has whether it be with another woman or my step son, and God help him if he ends up in prison over it, or worse yet if he is killed to end the pain and misery.

A lot of it isn't that we stay, it's that we are trying to find our way out and the right time to do it. I was always asked why I didn't call the police when Billy hit me or when he wouldn't let me out of the house. Do you really think that I had access to the phone when all of this was going on? Either the phone was hidden or he had broke it so I couldn't call for help. A lot of these men wine and dine you and love you passionately for years before the abuse starts. You have hope that the man you love will change. I have been out of my relationship with Billy for 6 months now. I was trying to get out for a long time, and finally one day the timing was right. He had been gone for days doing drugs, and while I was at work and knew when he was going to be home, I called his parole officer and told her what he had been doing to me and she had him picked up and sent to prison, not jail, that same day. I had to make sure that he wouldn't be released right away to come back and terrorize me even more.
It was so difficult for me to call the police on him. Most of these men are actually two different men. There is the wonderful part, the part that is your best friend. I have never had such a wonderful connection with a person; however, there was an evil side to him. The side that would do drugs, and be jealous and controlling, and started hitting me. You always hope that they will change, you have a motherly love for them, at least that is what I had. But, I finally had to snap out of it, I had to think about my future.
There is a stereotype that most battered women have low self esteem and have come from a violent home when they were children. I don't have low self esteem and I was never hit, nor was my mother, and there was no violence in my home growing up.
Please feel free to ask lots of questions. I would love to share my experience.

i was once a victim of domestic violence. I was married i still am married to himlegally but not willingly to a man for 10 years. He was never abusive until he started using drugs. I put up with it for about 6 months then i was out the door. i could not see myself as a women with a man that did this. drug induced or not. i eventually left and hooked up with an old flame who was recently paroled out of prison. I have asked myself many times why women would stay. The hopes that they can make it better is all i can think of. for a while i thought that it would get better but it didn't, my kids seen him beat on me and that was that. i couldn't use the excuse i am staying for the kids, or give him another chance. if a man can bring himslef to hit you there is always a chance that he will do it again. And the next time could be worse. I think that love is a word with a lot of different meanings for some, but to me it doesn't involve physical abuse. I hope that every women in that kind of situation can stop and think is it worth it. You have the courage to leave you just have to find it. there are alot of people who are willing to help all you have to do is ask.

i hope you do good on your paper and find all the iformation that you are looking for.

Thanks for the great, detailed responses. The only question I have left is, why doesoman send her man to jail for beating on her, get a restraining order then try to find ways to go and see him while he is incarcerated? The stories I have heard here are from courageous women who made the right choice, the choice to love themselves and their children above all else and get out.
I would also love to hear from some women who are still currently in the relationship with the abuser and why they are staying, and have they mentioned counseling to their partner?
And are there currently any men in the abusive situation instead, and why are they staying? Please post guys, or post if someone you know is a man in this situation. I want to try to get both sides of this.
I know what the statistics say as to why women stay, lack of a better option, hope that the abuser will changeback into the man they fell in love with, etc. I am wondering if there are any other takes on this, such as women feeling that they can eventually learn a feel for what causes the abuser to go off, that eventually they can gain control of the relationship by avoiding anything that might upset him. This in a sense, is taking blame for the abuse (the old I brought it on myself, I knew it would upset him).
Are the laws not good enough for women to feel safe enough to leave? Like it will be more trouble than it is worth.
Also, did thoughts of murdering the abuser come to mind after a beating? And was it every time and right after and the idea went away, or did you spend alot of time thinking about how you could do it and get away with it?

I thank you temendously for the responses I get here, the only other way I could get this information is to go to a womens shelter and I was having a hard time finding a time I could schedule to go there.

OH! One last thing, what advice do you have for a woman who needs to get out of the relationship? Any suggestions or tips on how to go about doing it? And also what NOT to do.
Thanks a million to all of you!

I would also love to hear from some women who are still currently in the relationship with the abuser and why they are staying, and have they mentioned counseling to their partner?

You may not get much help on that part because a lot of women who stay in an abusive situation are still in denial OR they won't freely admit that they are even IN this situation. Some of its shame, some fear, some denial.

I did not answer your questions because my abuse took place in the 60's when there was no help out there.. little or no shelters, the cops wouldn't bother to show up and if they did a lot of them encouraged the husband to "crack her a few more times until she learns." In those times there WAS no place to go and very little outside help and quite frankly, even when women sought help, we were encouraged to go back and "fix" the marriage.

Believe me, there is TREMENDOUS help out there now, compared to 1969, but there still is not enough. Many young women today have mothers of my generation where we had no resources for help so they really aren't aware of whats out there and if they were raised in an abusive home, they don't know any other life.

Shelters are a temporary thing. There you are, stuck someplace out of the way with your kids. They don't have their toys, their rooms and they aren't going to school with their friends. You are miserable, the kids are miserable and this is a shelter NOT a home or a place where you are going to get top quality care. Most staff in shelters have no formal training. You know you can't stay there forever and pretty soon that starts to wear on you. Misery loves company so you start thinking "maybe if I go back he will stop. OR, you start thinking, geez, an occasional beating is better than living like THIS.

And believe me ONE thing has NOT changed. Women stay or go back because their charming, good looking, good in bed husband keeps showering her with love and much needed affection after the abuse all while he's saying "I'll never do it again." Until the NEXT time.

I am no longer in my abusive relationship. I stayed as long as I did because I thought I could change him--if I just loved him more, if I just kept the house cleaner, if I just had dinner on the table when he came home, if.

I also was ashamed to admit that I had failed. For me, failure was not an option. In a society that teaches us that we should "live happily ever after" it's hard to admit that our dream is shattered.

When I finally realized that this marriage wasn't working, I still couldn't leave. Why? I had to make sure I had done everything that I possibly could to make my marriage work. Once I did that, it was only a matter of finding a place to stay and the money to make it happen before I left.

My ex knew my weaknesses and when I threatened to leave, he would say or do whatever he could to make me break down and stay. And it worked, several times, until the last time.

Sounds kind of like I'm rambling. Hope this helps.

CandySunrise:

Well said.

Those of us who were abused dont always see the reason behide the mans madness. We dont exactly know why they do it, it could be something small like the dishes not being washed right or something as big as the phone bill not getting paid. I stuck by Jay becuase it was all I knew. Some of it is from the type of childhood I had and some from the way I live my life. I didnt deserve to be hit by him but at the time I was to scared to defend myself. As the abuse became more and more common I started to stand up and attack him enough so he would back down. But now since he is locked up we no longer have the abuse problems we once did.

I went through abuse all my life and it's only now that I can look back and see how insane the living was for me. Feel free to PM me with questions if you have any and I will answer from my point of view, first as an abused child and then as an abused wife.

I know that most of you probably have moved on and arent checking this anymore. I never got to thank all of you. I have since done alot of research and had my eyes wide open. I believe I understand clearly now.

I hadnt come back to respond because I for some reason couldnt recover my password to get into the forum, I could read but not reply. Finally I got an email saying I got a PM from here and was able to get logged in. Weird.
I hope you all are doing ok!!! Feel free to PM me and let me know ya all are ok.