When He Came Home - Fantasy vs. Reality

This is strictly my opinion and experience. Take this post, put 50 cents with it, and you can buy a cup of coffee. ;)

My husband and I knew each other long before he went to prison, though we'd been married for less than a year. One day my world is turned upside down and he's in the county jail. A couple of months later he's carted off to a prison in another state on a parole violation and I'm left all alone.

So, I did what almost any wife in that situation does. I wrote to him every single day, I subscribed him to half a dozen magazines, I went for visits, paid outrageous phone bills, and bought so many cards that Hallmark stock went up. I wrote to three governors, more congressmen than I can remember, the parole board, and so on. I'm not bragging...that's just what we (those on the outside) do. I also spent a considerable amount of time on PTO, lamenting on how sad I was and how wonderful it would be when he got home.

In our communications (letters, phone calls, visits) we discussed how grand life would be when he came home. We talked about the mistakes we made and how we wouldn't make those mistakes again. We talked about his family, my family, and all the trips around the sun we'd taken together and those yet to come. It seemed he'd become the ultimate man of my dreams - you know, that hero on the white horse who was going to ride me away into the sunset. He listened. He was kind and considerate of my feelings. And the sex - at least on paper - was amazing! I mean, in prison, he was Dr. Phil, Prince Charming, and Ron Jeremy all rolled into one. Could it possibly get any better?

Then, one glorious day just over a year ago, I went to the prison and he walked out of the doors a free man. We drove out of the parking lot, determined to start our lives anew and never have to look back. Ahhh....time for the fantasy to begin.

Wrong! The fantasy was now over and it was time for reality to begin.

My husband is a con. It's not something that he's really ashamed of - it's what's given him the ability to survive in prison and on the streets. He'll tell you that he's a con-man and that's just the way he is. Like most of us, he wants the path of least resistance and sometimes that means saying what people want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.

So, when he talked about the perfect life we'd have when he got home, it was all a con. But you know, I knew it all along. I knew it because I know him better than I know myself. However, I fed into it because I wanted my Cinderella story with the happily-ever-after-ending. So, I guess I've got a little con in me too.

I'm 30 years old and have been through more bad relationships than I can count. It was my turn to be happy and I'll be damned if reality was going to get in the way. So I nursed the fantasy until it had a life of its own. I actually had myself convinced that every day would be a day of harmonious peace, perfect love, and enduring passion. This life we were going to have could have come from the pages of a Fabio-covered romance novel.

Oh, we discussed the "thing" that got him to prison - the drugs. We discussed how to not go back down that path and what we were going to do to prevent it. In that one area, I demanded a solution to an on-going problem. We slipped from the fantasy long enough to deal with that issue, but that's the only one.

Back to my story ...

He comes home and the first day or two was great. Oh! The glorious fantasy was now being lived in person, not just in my mind. I took some time off work and it almost seemed as if he'd never been gone.

But he had been gone. I was angry at him. This anger had never manifested itself until he was actually in the house with me. I began to lash out at him because I blamed him for the past two years. I held him responsible for the financial hardships and the misery I had been through. I didn't even know I was angry until he was here with me, but one day I erupted like a volcano. We fought and fought. I said things to him I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. And you know, he took it. He allowed me to get angry and to blame him and he hardly said a word. When I had finished with my verbal vomit, he looked at me and told me he understood and that he loved me. Ok, that ticked me off even more. I wanted him to fight back. I wanted him to admit he was wrong. I wanted him to curl up in the fetal position and sob like a little girl. I wanted him to take responsibility. Instead he just loved me in spite of myself.

Then there was the issue of my independence. I'd always been a co-dependent, enabling drug addict. That was who he married. Now I was clean and independent. In his absence, I found out that I didn't have to have him in my life. For once, I felt like I had a life of my own. If I needed a pack of smokes at 3 in the morning, then by George, I went to the local 7-11 and got me a pack. I didn't ask anybody and I didn't tell anybody. I didn't have to account for every dime of my paycheck. I didn't make up the bed and God knows I didn't shave my legs. I was my own liberated woman.

He became afraid that I didn't need him anymore. You all know we want to be needed. We fought more. The more he tried to control me, the more I bucked him. He told me what to do and I did the opposite. I wasn't giving in. Then, in one of our arguments, he realized a glimmer of truth. No, I didn't have to have him in my life. But I wanted him in my life - more than anything. You see, I loved him too, in spite of himself.

It's been far from easy. His going to prison changed both of us, but it's not all been bad. Today, some 15 months later, I can honestly say I'm happy. I love my husband and I wouldn't trade him for all of the Dr. Phils, Prince Charmings, and Ron Jeremeys of the world.

I'm not bitter or angry anymore. I try to understand him and I can't even begin to fathom the things he saw and endured in prison. I just accept him for the man he was, the man he is, and the man he will someday be. I don't try to change him anymore. There's something to be said for that unconditional love thing.

We're not perfect. Our relationship is far from it. Each day I learn a little more and grow a little more. Our life is nothing like the fairytale I dreamed it would be. But then again, those things are boring. So, for now, I'll stick to reality.

what a fantastic post!

That was great!! So glad you posted this. I found myself angry at my husband at times too. But I have never told him. I know he didn't mean to leave us..and now that he is back he is definetly trying to make it up to both me and our son.

Again this was a beautiful post thank you for posting it.

Beautiful!! What an awesome post.

This was simple, to the point, and the TRUTH.....
Scary often accuses me of resentment, and of course I deny it...but it's true. Although the love is there, how could I not make it known that he brought us to where we are today.
What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger...and we will survive this, just as always.

***********
:thumbsup: Wendy

That was a great post!!!! Thanks for sharing :)

It was my turn to be happy and I'll be damned if reality was going to get in the way.

screaming with laughter at that. loved your post. ;)

My Fiancee And I Have Been Together 21 Months And We Are Going To Be Married When He Transfers In March 2005.he's In Kentucky And I Am In Missouri And We Have A 100% Loving,caring Respectfull Relationship,as We Both Ask Each Other Before We Make Any Decisios As We Do This Together Even Though He Isn't Here And We Don't Keep Anything From Each Other,and I Don't Write Any Other Men As He Is All I Need And He Don't Write Other Woman As I Am All He Needs As His Family Don't Write Him Or Come And See Him And Both Of His Parents Are Deceased,as There Are Alot Of Guys Locked Up That Go Through This And It's Really A Sad World We Live In.may God Bless All Of You And Your Loved Ones Locked Up And Our Man And Woman Fighting For Our Country And Our President And Congress Also.and Have A Blessed Happy New Year Also. Judy

Great Post. I can totally relate, except I was that inmate getting out and my fiance was the one picking me up. I can't say I am a con man so to speak, but i definatly try to make things easy, and by that maybe I have a little of that in me yet.

My fiance and I didn't fight but we had difficulties because it is hard to come back into a relationship and try to have it the way it was. She had to be the one to pay the bills, and do normall day to day stuff. She was used to that. SO when I got out I wanted to be the one to do it and she didn't want a whole lot of change. It took a little while for both of us, but it only makes us stronger,

Thanks so much for sharing..

danielle,
your thead brought tears to my eyes because I couldn't have explained what I have been through in the last 6 months since my fiance has been home any better. Some days are still hell and I wish he was back in prison at times to be quite honest. But then others I feel the same desires I felt when he was gone and I realize just how very much I love this man even though he is still going through major adjustments, mainly ATTITUDE.

ANyway, thanks so much for sharing with us. I can 120% relate :)

Danielle, thanks...your honesty is greatly appreciated...I am going to print this post and send it to my guy...we, as you did, create our future oin paper and on the phone, we both know it won't be exactly as we dream, but I don't think we care to imagine how hard it could actually be..

thanks again

Danielle I loved the post because it is good to look at what is fantasy and what is reality. Sometimes our reality can be much greater than the fantasy, but often we feel disapointed because living in the relaity requires work, and isn't a spectator sport.

Your journey is inspiring and you learned that love in the reality creates such a sense of accomplishment that the fantasy leaves out.

Danielle ~ awesome post! I can relate to much of what you said. There are so many factors that limit the fantasy once it becomes reality. I myself half believed my Sebastian would show up on a white horse! LOL Thanks again for sharing your experience with us.

All the best,
Patty

Excellent post!!!!!!

We done have any drug issues....BUT I am extremely concerned about my independance becoming a problem. As much as I live and breath for the day J comes home.....I have been on my own so long my biggest fear is that I may resent the changes....similar
to what you have described! Thank you so much for posting this, and good luck in a long and happy life together!

I gotta agree with frozen. Being the inmate and having to face the family members and be accountable to them is a nightmare. I had the stinkinest time talking to my kids when I was going through court and the day I was sentenced. Patching up with the inlaws is still a drama at times.
THIS WAS AN EXCELENT POST!!

what a SUPERB post!!! :D I LOVED it!! Thanks for sharing Danielle! :)

Thanks all! You guys are gonna make my head swell! :)

I'm glad to share this experience with others who understand!! You're all diamonds in the rough!!!

Danielle you rock, awesome post!

Danielle, awesome post!!!!

where have you been hiding? LOL
Keep sharing, It helps us all more than you can imagine...

I am literally sitting here with tears in my eyes.....

Excellent post. Excellent story. Excellent insight to this difficult thing called "unconditional" love.

GOOD JOB!:thumbsup:

thanks for bringing some of us back to reality. I sometimes wonder if Im in love with the 'fantasy' of what life might be like, when he gets out. All I can do is hope, but I also know that it's not going to be easy. Thanks for your honesty!

Wow...now that was a good post!!! Dave isn't home yet...and yes, we do live our life's in a fantasy world right now. But I know the deal...I know that life isn't gonna be as easy as he describes. Honestly, I feel that he really thinks it is gonna be that easy...when I know it won't be. I know we will have struggles, I know finances WILL be a problem, I know we will argue...but I also KNOW that we will go threw those things with unconditional love. Even if that love is sometimes clouded by anger. Even though I want the fairy tale we talk about...I know that reality isn't always what we want. It's gonna be hard, it's gonna be crazy...but it will always be US!! We will ride till we die...threw all the struggles we encounter. I write to Dave ALOT about what reality will be like...and he is always trying to tell me it won't be bad...but don't think I am gonna get it twisted...life ISN'T easy. But he**...it sure is fun!!!!! Thank you again for this post...I think it opened alot of eyes. It's not all peaches and cream ladies and gents...don't forget that...but also...don't let that break you!!!!!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

EXCELLENT POST!

I know we experience a lot of what you talked about, now, while he is incarcerated. We will go through periods of "fantasy" and periods of "reality"

Thanks for the reality check!

GREAT post!

I must say in this one month since he has been home my reality is about as good as the fantasy if not better as far as what I expected him to do to achieve a "normal" life back BUT I can defenitly see where the reality could come in and bite me in the behind,nothing horrible that we couldn't get through but some issues that a lot of ex cons and their partners face such as you mentioned our independence,drug issues,trouble finding jobs and so on.For the most part reality has been great but we have had a few issues pop up now and again so it isn't all a bed of roses.

Your post was excellent and I thank you for sharing :)

I appreciate your honesty - and it seems to me that the messy, complicated truth of things is, in its own way, better than the fantasy because we're only human and through this process you now both know that you are loved for your true, flawed, human selves, not some figment of your imagination. I applaud you for sticking with it and reaping the rewards of your perseverance.

Jessica

Dear Danielle and all my other PTO family--

I loved this post.. so honest and so true. Anyone who has had a loved one come home read this with heads shaking in agreement. I know all to well what you have experienced. I, too, have a story to tell. I'm just not ready, I suppose. I don't see the end of the road at times and other times, I know that we're not even on the path, but I can say with all honesty that I am committed to working through whatever comes our way.
I read this forum each and every day and see that, in essence, we are all going through some of the very same situations. I pray for you all, I really do. I know the road you travel. Thank you, Danielle for your post.

Lisa

Danielle,
that was just the post that i have been looking for. it will be awhile before i have to worry about it i know. but that means a longer time to create that fantasy. as silly as it may sound, i thought i would be a failure if i couldn't make that fantasy the reality once he came home. but i'm seeing now through everyone's posts here that each person has a responsibility to make a go of things. and love, communication, commitment and a sense of humor seem to be the keys. i truly appreciate your honesty about your situation. every day that i am on PTO, i become a little more sure and hopeful about our lives together. thanks to everyone for your posts, both positive and negative. it makes the way a little easier for those of us who are traveling along the same path. thank you.

WOW :) incredibly powerful post...I have that anger thing going on right now, can't seem to get over yet..Hubby dosen't come home for another 16 months so hopefully before then.
Thanks for the very insightful Word of Wisdom!

Roarklyn66- Boise Idaho

that was a great post!!! very moving and so true. thanks for sharing :)

Thanks again for your kind words!

There's one point that I would like to make. For all of the difficulties that we've had since he's been home, absolutely nothing compares to the horrible day he was arrested and the equally horrible day when he was extradited to Alabama. Having survived that was nothing but a painful and emotional roller coaster, but it made me a stronger woman. That strength has carried me through everything since then.

And there is nothing that compares to the feeling I get when I'm around him. He's the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night and the first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning.

I've probably said it a hundred times on PTO, but I don't regret a single minute of the time I waited for him and to get us where we are now, it was worth it. Although, I'm not so sure my husband would agree! He probably would have liked to avoid the whole prison experience! :D

I have been avoiding this thread. Out of sheer pride. **puffs up chest** I read the Coming Home thread, I don't need to read this. I know what I am doing.

Little did I know that when I read your words, tears would be streaming down my face.

Fellah will be coming home (again) in 6 months. I am completely involved with the fantasy and the reality. And frustrating myself to no end. I want to do what is right, what will give him the best chance for making it on the outside.

I don't know what I would be doing right now if it weren't for my sisters and brothers on PTO. And I do consider you all my sisters and brothers. You seem to understand and have the capability of reaching right into my soul and touching it so gently.

Thank you for sharing your soul with us, with PTO, with me. You have helped so many, in ways you may never fully understand.

JJT

i would like to thank you for posting your story because even though my husband isn't home yet i hear so much of what i feel, and i never tell him i am angry he isn't home and i don't want to hear how it WILL BE just get home and work on making things better, it has been a long 9 years with out him and i grow tired but find that boost some how to just keep hanging on, and i admire the women who have done it longer than i have because some days i do what ever i can to find the strength to go on, not that i ever want to leave, but that the time seems as though it is never going to come to an end when i can pick him up and come home. Oh and don't get me started on when i was struggling with bills he seems to have a nose for it because that would be the week he needs $10 or $20 and i want to explode and take his face off, but i say nothing, and when things aren't too bad here i feel guilty for being that angry, i know he does what he can to not ask me for money but if it weren't for me no one would send him money, his sisters, and brother wouldn't do anything if i didn't beg them when i couldn't. ok enough of my babble i just really am glad to know that others understand and i am sooooo glad you posted this, thanks !!!! ~~~ROBIN~~~

all I can say is thankyou... the honesty with which you shared this hits home. I see the value the wisdom and the truth in all you shared and know that in your last post you summarized exactly what I feel... regardless of all the pain and sadness, anger and frustration... it is worth it.

When my ex boyfriend and father of my son was in prison, we were so much in love. We shared visits, letters, and phone calls and I truly thought that his man was the man of my dreams. Of course, when he was released things were perfect for a few months. But then he started cheating on me and selling drugs all over again--and the fantasy ended. It's very sad because I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life loving and waiting for this man. All the guys in prison tell their women what they want to hear. It's easy to be such a great partner when he's not even involved in your day-to-day life.

That was an excellent post!

KAMARA,
I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT, BUT I AM SORRY I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU NOT "ALL THE GUYS IN PRISON TELL THEIR WOMEN WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR" MY HUSBAND IS BRUTALLY HONEST AND HE WOULD RATHER ME BE UPSET AND KNOW HE WAS BEING HONEST RATHER THAN SUGAR COAT IT AND LIE, AND I KNOW IT MUST FEEL AS THOUGH YOU WASTED 5 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE BUT, THINGS WE DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON, MAYBE YOU WERE MEANT TO DO THOSE 5 YEARS WITH HIM TO LEARN AND GROW AND SHOW HIM THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT FINDS HIM WORTHY AT THE LOWEST MOMENTS OF IS LIFE AND IF THE DAY COMES HE GOES BACK TO PRISON I AM SURE HE WILL REFLECT ON THAT TIME AND REALIZE HE MESSED UP, I KNOW IT MIGHT BE TOO LITTLE TOO LATE BY THEN, BUT YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST, AND IF HE COULDN'T OVER COME THE TEMPTATIONS OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD THEN HIS FAULT.

When my ex boyfriend and father of my son was in prison, we were so much in love. We shared visits, letters, and phone calls and I truly thought that his man was the man of my dreams. Of course, when he was released things were perfect for a few months. But then he started cheating on me and selling drugs all over again--and the fantasy ended. It's very sad because I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life loving and waiting for this man. All the guys in prison tell their women what they want to hear. It's easy to be such a great partner when he's not even involved in your day-to-day life.

I am very sorry that you feel that you wasted 5 years of your life and it seems that you are still angry and hurt. I probably would be too.

I can relate to what you say, to a degree. However, my husband and I created this fantasy world together. I knew him before he went to prison and I knew in my heart that the "perfect world" we dreamed of was just that - a dream. As painful as this relationship must have been for you, at least something good did come out of it - your son.

Best wishes to you and your child.

kamara-
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am in the same boat. I, too, feel like I have just wasted several years of my life. For me, that is hurt talking, but what I know in my heart is that the love and acceptance I gave to him was unconditional and I loved him as I have never loved another- I am a good woman and I was good to him. There are certainly blessings in store for me.... and for you, too. I wish you the best. I am walking the same road you are- if you need me or just want to vent- I am just a few clicks away!

Lisa

Awesome post! It made my day ;-)

Great post- a good reminder that things couldn't possibly be as golden as we imagine, but still worth waiting for. For the poster who felt cheated- inmates aren't necessarily lying when they make those promises. For anyone who has ever taken multiple stabs at losing weight, stopping smoking, sticking to the budget, etc., we all have good intentions that we don't always follow through on. He might genuinely feel as bad as you do- maybe even worse. I'm sorry for your disappointment; just remember life is full of them and no experience is wasted if you learn from it.

inmates aren't necessarily lying when they make those promises. For anyone who has ever taken multiple stabs at losing weight, stopping smoking, sticking to the budget, etc., we all have good intentions that we don't always follow through on.

That's a wonderful point and well taken! :)

Same thing happened to me too. Now, this time fa real fa real, he's saying he gon make good on his word. Often I'll make generalizations to him using "they" instead of "him/you" and he ALWAYS tells me all convicts aren't like that -- it was him and he really wants me to know that they all aren't like that, so that could be a piece of encouragement for some of you who's man has not yet come home yet, whether you knew him before he got locked up or not. When some of you talking about blessings in store, that makes me think that maybe we shouldn't look at it as if we've wasted years of our life. The bible does say all good things come from God in the heavens, those of us who've been crapped on have provided a lot of good to our men -- I'm thinking that those men needed blessings and that God used us as the vehicle by which to transport those blessings to them. So maybe we'll get special blessings for doing what we did/do to hold these men down, and maybe we won't because the way it seems, us being in these mens life the way we've been/are are blessings to them.

You know, when my husband ditched me after his last release and was walkin around with someone else with her wearing his jersey what I told him was "I hope you have the right answer. When God comes to you and tells you 'that is not the woman I sent you -- what did you do with the woman I sent you', I told him I hope he has the right answer and that because there is no right answer because when God send you something you sposed to take care of it, then I feel sorry for you cause ain't no tellin what's gon happen to you now."

Of course he didn't care about none of that UNTIL he got locked back up, as he continued to be with her, but not exclusively, because anyone who wanted to spend some time with that public a/s/s he wasn't turnin nobody down. And when he was the agreeser and was getting turned down, that just made him push all the more to get the female to change "no" to "yes".

So don't look at it like you wasted your time, money and everything else -- though you came out holding the short end of the stick -- try and look at it like God used you to help that man and what that man decided to do with the blessing of you I do believe he'll have to account to God for. I understand people have different religious beliefs, and that's okay but I do believe that we're in these mens' lives to bring blessings to them because God LOVES His sons. He loves His daughters too, but he really loves His sons.

While I believe that some of the men are playing games, I do believe that a lot of them sincerely do mean what they say and express to us. I say the part about the games because there has been times when my husband pointed out an inmate telling me "he's getting out in a month but he said he ain't goin home to her." Meanwhile I'm looking at her and she's lookin like she has no clue; she's lookin like "yesss!! he'll be home in month!"

OMG when I read the part about you saying to your ex, "What are you going to say when God says, 'This isn't the woman I sent you-what did you do with the woman I sent you?' " I teared up! I truly do feel that I was sent to be in his life for a purpose and that he's just thrown me away for this 19-year-old girl who knows nothing about him!

My ex is already back in jail. He was arrested in 1990 and released in 2002. Six months later he caught a new charge and went back for another two years. He was released again in June and arrested on New Years Day when I called the cops on him for coming into my house uninvited and taking my son w/out my persimission. The charges of burlary and violation of custody order were thrown out (because I didn't have even an order) but he was remanded to parole. I don't know how much time he'll get.

Because I was the one who had him arrested, I don't think he'll be writing or calling me asking me to get back with him. We broke up two months ago and he immediately got w/ someone else (although just three weeks ago he was making moves on me trying to get me to kiss him, wtf was all that about? The details are in another post!)

I think he must hate me now and will reach out to his new girlfriend for support. I just hope she dumps him! What good is he to her now?

"OMG when I read the part about you saying to your ex," [kamara]

Yeah kamara, you would think he's my ex, but he's not -- we're still together. Do feel free to call me stupid, I'm a big girl, I can take it, this is a support sight so I might even get something out of it. But on second thought, hold onto the thought if it's there. Prison, the streets and drugs is how he's lived his adult life, so, that's why he lives how he lives. Per me, this is supposed to be the last chance. So when he get home in a few years and should he do the same things all over again, which I really can't cee happening at this point, if you're still around on the site THEN you can call me stupid, dumb a/s/s -- the full works.

Thank you for this post. It has me thinking. My love says he is scared to come home b/c he doesn't want to let me down. We both don't know what to expect but know it would be a major adjustment for both of us!

OMG!! Thank you Danielle :grouphug:

Wow .. My mind is going 90 miles an hour after reading this post. MyGuy came home 3 days ago :dance: and I'm just now catching my breath and allowing reality to set back in ... he's finally sleeping today :sleepy: .. we've spent the last few days just kinda in a fog .. not really sure if this is reality or a dream ... I'm sooo glad he's home.. as is he :yay:

I have lived the same life as most of you .. but where I feel our story differs is he never allowed me to live in "fantasy" .. I wanted the fantasy .. I wanted him to tell me all the wonderful things I needed to hear .. but that just isn't MyGuy's style .. he kept my feet nailed to the ground with a refusal to fantasize about what would be reality in being home ...

We have a very long complicated relationship .. alot of pain and hurt, but because of my determination to love him, hold onto him, prove to him I wasn't going to throw in the towel and walk away (like everyone in his life always has) .. he's been so distant and unsure .. he put it perfectly to me last night ... "until I'm settled in my mind it's not fair to hurt you" His childhood, his life as an adult has been nothing but turmoil and hurt. Other than the birth of his daughter he doesn't have alot of "happy thoughts".

Reality has been FUGLY for us .. but I have always believed in him, I have always known he is a good man, and that he is the man I want to be with ... I've waited to be with him .. and I will wait a while longer .. until he's 'adjusted' and able to give the emotional faith/committement/love we both feel our relationship deserves.

He has promised me he's not going anywhere ... he is where he wants to be .. and he's promised me that he'll never do the things to me that happen before he went to prison ... I believe him .. I believe IN him. All my friends and family ask/wonder WHY would I believe him now after all the pain/lies/hurt he's put me through .. reason is .. I love him .. and he's here by choice, not because he has to be ... he knows any further actions similiar to that of the past .. would mean the end to us ... neither of us want that ...

REALITY: Life hurts .. love hurts .. it takes faith, patients and committement to make it work ... if you choose to live in a FANTASY world, you best be prepared for the HOLLYWOOD ending ... because I guarantee you .. it's going to END and when it does ... you'll be left wondering why didn't I see it was a STORY and not REALITY. :shrug:

:heart: I LOVE MYGUY :love:

And I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I have been with my hubby for 18 years now- he's been out twice and violated twice then he maxed out. I thought my life would be a Harlequin romance- ( these guys always promise they have a high libido ) full of romance and flowers NOT!!!! Hubby is bossy, and clingy - he's been locked up since he's 18 but still thinks he knows it all AARGH- We are working it out but it isn't easy ( gotta keep him away from those old Honeymooners re-runs ) He meets people at his treatment programs and they cajole our phone number from him. The guys don't call- but the females sure do. They think it's wonderful that I'm not " jealous " boy if they only knew. I've found though the more I say or get upset the more gleeful he gets- he is such a BRAT!!! - but I love him and I do trust him. It's hard having someone in the house though after you've been by yourself for so long. You 2 will be okay though - like I said just don't let him watch the Honeymooners ( ha ha ) Good Luck !!!!

Thanks for your post! I worry so much about my husband driving me crazy when he comes home because I am so independent also! And reading about all these other people splitting up when their man came home was freaking me out. I'm glad to see people can make it despite all the obstacles!

And remember, Danielle, reality is what you want it to be! ;)

I guess it's because we always want the best, but expect the worst. It was certainly an awsome post, and I will have to refer to it if and when my boyfriend gets out. I did not know him before, but I have the same feelings you expressed about reading his letters and him being the perfect man, promising those things woman dream about.

Good for you!! :thumbsup:

I guess it's because we always want the best, but expect the worst. It was certainly an awsome post, and I will have to refer to it if and when my boyfriend gets out. I did not know him before, but I have the same feelings you expressed about reading his letters and him being the perfect man, promising those things woman dream about.

Good for you!! :thumbsup:
I met my husband while he was locked up too- never knew him on the outside before. It's amazing how many little idiosyncracies one person can have. You'll probably find he's fascinated with money ( just cause they can't have it in jail ) , bubble gum and porno. I got real upset about the porno at first, but as he explained to me, that was all he had for 20 years - they get used to " fending for themselves" and being with a real woman is sometimes just plain physically uncomfortable for them. That is one issue that required alot of patience for me. It's nothing wrong with us - it's not that they don't want to- sometimes they just plain can't and all of us ladies know how defensive a guy is about his masculinity. That is probably one of the biggest issues when they first come home, followed by alternating bossiness and clinging. You just gotta put your mind to it, and ride out the storm - count to 10 Mississippi and you'll be fine

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Joe is coming home in 8 months or so, and I AM SCARED AS HELL, but I am praying for the strength to get through it. it is wonderful, though, to hear the truth from someone living it.

...and the Ron Jeremy part had me rollin'..................OMG!!! :D

It is very interesting, how so many of us have so much in common, and on so many levels!
Of course I'm hoping for the best out of this marriage, but this time I'm gonna get something for myself too. I think I was confused when I thought that I needed someone to complete myself, when actually, I have to do that for myself. I'm trying to avoid that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, wondering if?............
This may not make any sense to you, but my husband has finished his bid, they took the bracelet off of his leg, so there's no more restrictions. So now here's the reality part, what road will he choose? What choices will he make.
I don't want to worry myself with this, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt!
I have to say this though, I just finished doing my last bid with anyone else.
I need for him to know that zI love him with all my heart, but I can't do that!

Mrsalvarez, I am so happy for you ...WOW, home after 20 years? My husband has been in for 15.5 now and I met him there almost 5 years ago. He will be home soon, 2006...
He loves porno too, and it doesn't bother me because it is all he had for years to stimulate his mind, we get trailer vists so we have experienced intimacy and with time it has been so wonderful, PM me sometime, and also, come by NEW YORK....

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