I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?

Very good question leenallie! My guy only has at most 6 more months to go and has not been in long so thankfully I haven't had to deal with this but we have discussed how we're going to say we've met to others once he's released. "Through a personal ad" since I was his penpal before falling in love with him :) I guess we're going to skip the whole prison part of the equation because it's really irrelevent and will only cause us more of a headache because of the people you've mentioned in your post that don't know when to stop asking questions! I'm looking forward to hearing the responses to this!

That personal ad is a good idea. Cause we met as pen pals too, a guy we both know on his block gave him my address. I hate saying the pen pal thing anyway cause it sound so cheesy. When I visit the form has my picture on it that I show and underneath it says Penpal, I wonder after I am his wife if it will still say penpal. Good idea about the personal ad and not mentioning prison, it freaks people out.

When people are so rude I usually just say "for breaking the law."

That's a cute response, mrsd! I can just imagine someone saying "for breaking the law" and simply walking away.

I've usually said for being in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing, but now I have to steal MrsD's response! That is a good one! Amibiguous answers are always the best to me. How much longer? A while. Too long. Those sort of answers. A nice way of saying none of your business. If I want someone to know the details, they will. You can always just say that you'd rather not talk about it.
Keep your patience. Some people don't think before they speak. (Often!) :)
Jenn

I have a friend whose husband use to be in prison and whenever she was asked that question, she would look them straight in the eye and say for killing the person who asked that same stupid question you just did. Shut them up real quick. Now that isn't what he was in prison for but people soon got the word around and no ever asked her again.

I usually say he has a drug problem...that wasn't his charge, but it is his problem. I figure anyone that I want to know the truth already does.

My answer is ever changing....

I like the personal ad response !! CLEVER :)

It depends on how well I know the person and if I feel like being bombarded with all the other questions...if I want them off my back...I will give them a serious look right into their eyes and say "For killing someone"...the ferociousness of my response usually gets them to back off...they are SHOCKED for starters and I think my tone tells them let's not even go there.

Other times I say for breaking the law...other times I say "Oh I forgot to ask and then give a wicked laugh"...other times I try to quickly skip over the question or pretend I didn't even hear it...or I try to come up with a ridiculous question for them to make them squirm a bit too and get my point across...

It just really depends on who it is...and why i think they are asking...

He has suggested I tell people he was "jaywalking", and tell them they better not jaywalk in Polk County which is where he caught this case and got convicted.

You just have to love mrsdragon's reply. It is short, true and to the point, without giving anything away.

If someone is rude enough to ask, they do not deserve a detailed answer.

I save the detailed answers to those I wish to know the story. Then I decide how many details to share.

Hey, it works for me anyway.

I have been asked this question several times. And I tell them the truth but I always tell them that he is innocent. And I am sure a lot of people don't believe me but that is their problem. I know he is. And I will defend him to anyone. He on the other hand does not think I should tell people where he is because he is afraid they won't want to be my friends. But if they don't because of that then I don't want them as friends.

When people find out my fiance is in prison, and they ask the inevitable question....I smile and say, "For singing too loud in the choir."

Gets 'em every time :D

LOL i just answered this question last night and it was a kodak moment. I was at a Christmas party with my best friend, we were talking about our kids for a while. Well about a half hour later I'm talking to my friend and this guy walks up and is standing a lil too close for comfort. He asks "wheres your daughters father?" My response: "prison" Him: "OH! what did he do" me: "murdered some guy for hitting on me" Him: "okay bye" The look on his face was classic! Every once in a while id glance over and he him talking to someone, both of them looking at me. I'm sure I was the talk of the night "The girl whose man is in prison" :rolleyes: some people are so shallow!

Cute story, cheyandsteph!!! I bet the look on his face was priceless!

I tell the truth ... I met him on-line ... case closed.

I usually say "he got caught up in the system" curtly so they know not to ask any further question, or I would be "caught up" too...sheesh I hate that pre-judgemental question!

I always just tell the honest truth....He was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong crowd...if they have time to listen I will elaborate..if not, I just leave it at that....
~katie

if i am asked that question i tell them the truth and if they have a problem with it so be it

It depends who's asking...someone close I'll just say the truth, if it's someone I don't know well, I'd just say "he was caught up...", something like that.

Girl I feel ya on this, I HATE when people ask me that! It IS so rude and it irks me even being asked, so I am usually vague because really it's none of their damn business. Unless you are a close friend of mine, or you just happen to find out, I won't be sharing details. My hubby did caught up in other people's mistakes, so...that part is true! And I love MrsD's response too...that's my new answer! :D Heehee

For me, it also depends on who's asking. I usually just tell the truth, "He killed a man."

If it is someone who actually cares, I will add the rest of the truth: "He was a kid who believed he was a soldier fighting for a cause. He knows now that he was mistaken."

I like the "Breaking the law" & "He got caught up in the system".

I don't mind telling the truth (which I always do), but then I get "Well I hope he learned his lesson". What lesson? :confused: Oh, and then when you give them the release date :eek: Small people have such small minds :argh:

I tell them that I don't mean to be rude but I would rather not say. It really isn't any of their business unless you choose to tell them. I don't tell people because they may judge me and him based on what he has done in the past and is now facing the consequences for.

...he won the prize...I like Mrs.D's answer too!

The way to keep people from asking you what did he do, is to keep your personal life to yourself. I have never been one for standing around yacking with co-workers or getting my family envloved in my personal life. I didn't date until I was 18 by then I was in college and on my own. I have never even brought a man home for my family to meet. No one in my family or my place of employment knows where my husband is. Yes they know I'm married. I not ashamed of my Husband. It's none of their business that he is in prison or why. I don't owe anyone an answer to what goes on in my life. If I wanted them to know they wouldn't have to ask. I don't go around asking people why all their kids don't have the same father or why they sleep in different rooms. Simply because I spend 6 months of the year concentrating on my own life and the other 6 months taking care of what I missed in the 1st go around. I agree it is very rude for people to assume that they are entitled to ask you any kind of personal questions. When someone ask me where is your Husband.. I say he's minding his business. My favorite question is when people I really don't even acknowledge ask "so when are we going to meet your new husband" I reply he's not new and did you meet him when we were dating? Oh well then there's no need for it now. That always shuts them up. I don't have time or patience to deal with judgemental people. My attitude is not the best as it is. When people ask me personal questions I always have a quick smart mouth answer. That turns them off and they never ask me anything again. See when it comes to my personal life I don't have a problem hurting someone's feelings. The very few people who I do trust know where and why he is in prison. The circle of the trusted actually consist of his family and 2 of my friends. People can assume all they want to about my personal life. They will never find out from me. If someone says anything I will remind them I am the only authority on my life. Anything else is 2nd and 3rd hand hear say. My main irritant is nosey people.

My standard answer is drugs,just that one word plain and simple and I offer nothing more...that isn't the only thing but it was the biggest and created some of the other issues.

When I ask someone why their loved one is in prison, I'm trying to say "I care". I understand you are hurting just like I am. I don't ask someone to be ugly or nosy or mean or any of that. I think we are all here to help each other get through the hard time we all are having. I really don't understand "a smart answer" to someone who is trying to tell you they care.

njtexas... I don't think people here are referring so much to others on sites like this because we all know that we're in slightly similar situations. I think we all mean people like coworkers or other acquaintances who come to find out our loved ones are in prison and they're nosey and need to know why. I do understand what you're trying to say.

What someone is in for shouldn't matter...drugs, murder, a sex offense, a white collar crime...prison is prison and it sucks for any loved one left on the outside.

NJTEXAS.. Most people that are not in our situations DON'T care they just want to have something to talk about. And once again it's none of their business and I'm not in the habit of explaining my life to people. Unless they have been down the road I'm on or involved with the parole process there is no need for me to discuss my Husband with them

ME TOO!!

Especially when I say "long story" and they try to guess. "Was it ---? ----? --- ----??" ARRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!! Obviously I don't want you to know otherwise I'd have just told you! :rolleyes:

Good question! I just shared with that today at a prison ministry. I talked about the shame I carried for my husband being in prison. When he first got put in and people would ask me " where is your husband?" and I would say " Out of town" (not EXACTLY a lie) then they would ask " "oh, is he in the service? or working?" and I would say " yea, he works for the state of Texas"!!! But now, I just say he is in prison for doing something stupid.

For me on the other hand if someone ask I will tell the truth, thank god all the people that know me have also known Luis just as long. For anyone else I owe them no explanations. I dont offer the information, I live my life for my sons and for me. I have no shame, I am a very smart mouth and if what I say offends people then its their problem.

so there is no need for me to say why he is in jail because all of our friends and family already know.

I might say "why do you ask?" This puts it back on them!

Humor is great...if we couldn't maintain a sense of humor about this where would we be? I don't talk to many people about my partner being in prison. We live in a very small, close-knit community on an Indian Reservation. You have NEVER experienced the negative power of gossip until you've been in a place like this I'm from California and I've never experienced anything like the destructive power of gossip in this community. It's as if people want to hurt others with gossip. So I say nothing. If anyone asks where my man is, I just say he's away. To PTO folks who'll understand.....I think that so few people understand the true nature of addictions. Most people blame the addicted person. They don't understand that my guy didn't make a conscious decision to be addicted to alcohol. His genetics (Native American) put him at extreme risk, and the extreme poverty and an alcoholic father cemented his relationship with alcohol. Just because our men made mistakes in life doesn't make them bad people. There's so many factors that contributed to my man's problems with alcohol. But most people just want to blame him. So, I decided not to share info about him with people that don't care about him, his life, and his recovery.

:eek: Too cute!!!LOL i just answered this question last night and it was a kodak moment. I was at a Christmas party with my best friend, we were talking about our kids for a while. Well about a half hour later I'm talking to my friend and this guy walks up and is standing a lil too close for comfort. He asks "wheres your daughters father?" My response: "prison" Him: "OH! what did he do" me: "murdered some guy for hitting on me" Him: "okay bye" The look on his face was classic! Every once in a while id glance over and he him talking to someone, both of them looking at me. I'm sure I was the talk of the night "The girl whose man is in prison" :rolleyes: some people are so shallow!

Well....I love Benji's response!!! I usually tell ppl what he did when I feel confident with them that they won't judge. Usually if someone looks him up and I know that they did I have to explain the charge to them. I feel bad telling ppl it is none of their business, so I kinda just say wrong place....wrong time....drunken mistake. Or he was drinking for the 3rd time in his life and he messed with the wrong person. Ppl can take it for whatever they want. I can't lie too much because in FL you can look any inmate you want up and see the charge. My hubby's charge is so lame because he is charged with something that didn't even happen the way it sounds....but oh well, that's FL law.

Love IN Christ,
Megan

Honey, I generally just say, "He got mixed up with the wrong stuff, but he's made a mistake and he's paying for it." I don't answer people if they say, "What did he do, because it IS rude to ask." Just brush it off, don't tell them anything too interesting, but don't lie. He got mixed up with the wrong side of the law and that's the truth. They don't need to know, honey. It's not their lives, it's yours. I hope that helped, somewhat.

I usually tell them the truth, hell if they cant handle it then they should not have asked in the first place. If they want nothing to do with me after that, well then it's no loss really. Cant accept my man, then you cant accept me!!!

When close friends or family asked, i told them the truth. I know that they asked out of concern for me. When people that i dont know ask, i tell them, that he's in for making a mistake!!

I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT HAPPENED TI MY HUBBY AND I AM NOT ASHAMED TO TELL ANY BODY ABOUT IT. ALOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS HAPPEN IN EVERYONES LIFE AND SOME PEOPLES ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS. THAT IS WHAT KEEPS OUR WORLD TURNING. GOD DOES NOT PUT YOU THROUGH ANY THING YOU CANT HANDLE. IF SOMEONE ASKED ME, I WOULD TELL THEM , I SUPPORT MY HUBBY, MY KIDS, AND I TELL MY KIDS THE TRUTH. THEY KNOW THAT THEIR DADDY LOVES THEM MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY. SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF MY SITUATION BECAUSE THEY HAVE PROBABLY BEEN THROUGH WORSER THINGS THAN ME BUT THEY ARE TOO ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT.


I WILL TELL THE WORLD OF MINE:thumbsup:

Some people can be very cruel in their responses after you tell them.....I have had to tell a few strangers since we were to be married.....I believe, since he is innocent, from now on I will say "because he was a victim of the system"..........

I generally tell them the truth... "His ex-wife accused him of something he didn't do!" That is usually enough... they draw their own conclusions. I don't know what is said or what happens when I am not there, but so far I have not run into anyone that didn't say something along the lines of... "That's horrible... I hope it all works out for you guys!" Of course, I live in San Jose, California... the population here is big enough that for the most part the only people that would ask would be people that I already know and am friends with... and so far... I've not had one friend walk away or turn their back on me because of it. Just lucky I guess...:)

I will add however that not one of my co-workers is aware of where my finace is... I have listened to and over-heard enough breakroom conversations where people who have had problems or made mistakes, legal or otherwise, have been ripped to shreds and called any number of horrible names, whether it is someone that they know or just read about in the paper.

Although I know that Rick is innocent, and I am not ashamed of what is happening because I believe that the truth will somehow prevail... I can't stand the thought of the people that I work with ripping my fiance apart without ever even meeting him, and I know that is exactly what would happen if they ever found out! :mad: Perhaps it is silly of me to care what these people think about my fiance or me... but I have to work with these people... it's simply easier to allow them to think that he is in the service or simply away on business... so when they make that assumption I simply smile and let them think whatever they want! :p

My daughters teacher asked her what her daddy did to be in jail...She got an earful from me...You do not ask a 7yr old child that.

I love "breaking the law" and "singing too loud in the choir". My co-workers think he's at work, my family thinks he's in for a drug charge - he's not. i'm so tired of all the lies - it's really wearing me out - i'd much rather come up with a cute response that shuts 'em up!

I have given a variety of responses,he is my boy's daddy,so I used to feel I had to say something.Now I just say he is in there for being foolish,which is true.

when they ask me what did he do... I ask them wouldnt you rather know how he is doing now???? and wouldnt you like to know what he is doing to improve himself? I am not ashamed of my guy..he made a mistake...a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge, horrible, un-repairable mistake, and I tell people, too, depending on who it is, but not before they hear what he is doing now...and what he's done since then

I just tell them assult charges with some theft thrown in for good measure

because of the nature of the crime (yeah, it's pretty bad lol) - i ususally don't mention the whole prison thing. I say "we have a long distance relationship" or i mention that he works in a library (i leave out the fact that it is a prison library for 45 cents an hour! LOL) its hard. people who KNOW me- know the truth - but strangers, and co-workers, it's better to not even try to explain, because they can't see past the "charges" and i have had people really treat me different after they knew why he was "in".

I have never had someone ask me "What is he there for?" Usually when I say he is in prison it doesn't go beyond that. But if someone is ever so bold to ask me, I would have told them the truth but now I think I will use Mrsdragon's answer "for breaking the law". I am a private person and when I was working my co-workers only knew of my marriage when my name plate changed. One asked to see a picture and I always carry pictures of my husband in my purse and showed it to her. She looked at the picture and said "oh he's in the military", from then on everyone thought he was in the military and I never corrected them. My very best friend has never asked me why or what he's in there for, so I don't believe I will answer a stranger who is bold enough to ask me that question. Some of my family know the details, they didn't ask, I told them, those that don't know the details, I've never discussed it with them and they won't ever ask me. All they know is that I love my husband and he loves me and that's enough for them.

"For as low as you go, ask God to take you that high."

i havent had anyone ask me that question, cause nobody know's that he's in prison but some of my family, and they didnt ask. actually they feel sorry for him. cause they've met him and think he's a very nice person :) but if someone did ask me that question, i would tell them " i dont put his buisness out like that" !! they will get the point then!!

Haha I do that too! I will be like huh? What? Who? What are you talking about!? And when they ask again I'm just like "your crazy" it stumps them at first, but then they shut up and get the drift... or walk away even more confussed then when they started. *shrug* like it's been said, those who should know probably already do. :D



My answer is ever changing....

I like the personal ad response !! CLEVER :)

It depends on how well I know the person and if I feel like being bombarded with all the other questions...if I want them off my back...I will give them a serious look right into their eyes and say "For killing someone"...the ferociousness of my response usually gets them to back off...they are SHOCKED for starters and I think my tone tells them let's not even go there.

Other times I say for breaking the law...other times I say "Oh I forgot to ask and then give a wicked laugh"...other times I try to quickly skip over the question or pretend I didn't even hear it...or I try to come up with a ridiculous question for them to make them squirm a bit too and get my point across...

It just really depends on who it is...and why i think they are asking...

:eek: That is just plain RUDE! How could you ask a kid that? In my opinion its none of her damn business!! <just my opinion of course> but Id be Pi$$ed!!!
My daughters teacher asked her what her daddy did to be in jail...She got an earful from me...You do not ask a 7yr old child that.

Chris-N-Mary, i dont blame you i wouldv'e been mad too!!! that teacher wouldv'e got a serious tongue lashin from me!!!!!! that was none of his/her damn buisness!!!!!

My daughters teacher asked her what her daddy did to be in jail...She got an earful from me...You do not ask a 7yr old child that.

You know when people are rude enough to ask us adults what they are in prison for, that is one thing, but a teacher asking a 7yr old, that really is carrying it to extremes.

I certainly hope you did give her an earful. She would have gotten two earfulls from me.

Yeah..she did hear it from me. I think it was ridiculous that she did that. It was none of her business...and my daughter came home in tears...I was fuming mad!

If it's someone I feel comfortabe with, I'll tell them the truth. I Usually don't even tell people that I just meet that he's in prison at all... it's none of their business!!!!! No one at my work knows where he is, they think he's at home with me every night!!!!!! If I think someone's gonna judge me for being with him, I won't tell them anything because I don't want to hear the negativity!!!! I love him, regardless of what anyone says or thinks!!!! I don't lie about where he is.. I just don't tell them anything about him. My co-workers often ask why he doesn't show up to company parties with me (we have ALOT of them) and I usually say he had to work or he's not feeling well or has his kids for the weekend and wanted to spend time with them ... anything that sounds good at the moment!!!!! I'm sneaky when it comes to him but only because so many people pass judgements just because he is where he is!!!!

:blah: to the people passing judgements:blah:

really i hate answering that question as well. My man has done alot of time for violence that cored from a dug problem. I dont even tell people that he has been to prison or is in jail unless its someone that i can tell the whole story to. The bottom line is, its nobodys business unless you want it to be. If someone asks where he is i tell them he is working out of town if i dont want them to know. Something like this is your personal business and if your not willing to share then dont offer it up.



I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?

I know what my man did is wrong and very violent but if anyone asks me where he is or why is he in for i tell them the truth i dont care what the reaction they have is as long as i have accepted what happened it does not bother me at all what they think...i know he regrets what he did not because he got caught but because it was wrong i even share pics i have if they ask i am very proud of him. :thumbsup:

I just say "For being himself", which it was- He was convicted because the jury saw a gangsta, not because he really did what they said he did- If he had been a white, rich kid the case would have been dropped. I also like "political prisoner" because he got jacked because of his political beliefs- like not following all the laws..he, he, he. Gotta luv my g.

I don't tell people Richie is in prison,but most people know I am planning to marry him and that I fly to PA to seem him often,so when they ask why he is not here,I just tell them 'He works for the DOC in PA and the job has great benefits'
After all,he only has to work every other month,he has free room and board,they deliver his groceries to him and sadly,he won't be leaving that job anytime soon.

At first I was very nervous about what people would think and say, but God dealtwith me on the issue. So now my response is crimes go alphebetically a to z pick one and he probably did it. If they ask for more detailed I tell them he has 12 charges ranging from auto theft to armed burglery due to a drug problem. For the most part when someone starts to ask detailed info. I have found out that they to have someone or know someone in prison or has a drug problem and its their way testing the water to see how judgemental we are.

i just tell them the truth,we are both from the same small area so everyone already kows why he's locked up anyway,some just ask to see what i'm going to say.i really don't care what other people think .i seldom ever get asked anything other then how my guys doing.take care squeaky.

I get asked "where my husband is?" ALL the time!

If I want SHOCK VALUE...I say "in prison"! They look at me, and DON'T ask "what did he do?", BUT say YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE WITH A PRISONER!

I DIE LAUGHING...how do people WITH "prisoners" look??

when people ask what did he do...i tell them the truth. he was the passenger in a car that he didn't know was stolen, and when the police told the driver to pull over, he (the driver) eluded the police ten city blocks, and my hubby was arrested too.

whether or not the people like the truth is their problem. but then again, people in my life know better than to be so rude and ask what he did...also, like another poster said...if i think it's important for you to know...chances are you already do...

Those who are close to me know, those who find out and are being busy I tell them that the last person who pissed me off really shouldn't have. Then I just laugh. Let them wonder.

I let very few people in my life , that has always been. My family knows and a couple of life time friends and his mother but that is it. I don't go around people so know one asks. I just feel it is none of there business and I don't talk about him with my close friends, they have given me their thoughts about him from day one so I know it is pointless to speak about his crimes and most people don't care , they have there own dramas to deal with.

I Have Had People To Ask Me How My Husband Is Doing, Or What Is He Up Too, And I Know That They Know He's In Jail. That Makes Me So Mad!!!! So I Just Tell Those People That He's Fine & That He's Been Eating & Sleeping Just Like Everybody Else!! They Usually Don't Try To Ask Me Anyting Else After That.-----but If It's Someone That's My Friend Or My Husband's Friend, I'll Discuss It With Them.

I just tell them, 'he brok the law' and leave it at that. They usually just look at me funny, then leave it alone. :)

My ex boss was constantly trying to catch me unawares to find out what he was in for! lol Never did.. Now he is gone and my new boss asked only once.

sherrie

I am honest... I have always been a person that couldnt care less what "people" think, my family on the other hand that was a little trickier, to tell them and tell them to watch what they say all in the same breath took a little talent for some of them that is. I understand people's reaction to a certain point, I understand concern but I can't tolerate ignorance, he has been in there a long time and potentially the rest of his life. But anyone close enough to me to ask me about my personal life deserves an honest answer, I am not ashamed of him and won't let anyone make me feel like I am. People make mistakes I am not asking anyone else to be in my situation or to accept it for that matter.

I tell them the truth, that he killed someone, and people dont usually ask much more than that.

I get that alot too. "oh, what did he do, or what's he in for?" basically, i just say for being stupid. i know that's not the correct answer, but oh well. i just can't wait til he comes out. in that way, i can show my man off : ) lol. good luck to all of you ladies : ) and gents : )

THANK YOU :D :D I needed this thread today. I have been dealing with the same issue. And I am soooo sick of it. When I tell them he is in for 2 second degrees they are all worried and think how horrible it is i want to be with this person. I don't want their advice.

I have tried the jaywalking one that works pretty well. If you say it well enough and walk away it works. But if you stick around the "seriously what is he in for?" comes up.

I am not good at lying at all. So it ends up being pretty obvious on my face that it is not something we are very proud of.

I needed this today thank you.

I absolutely love all of the answers! It is my son in prison. Five years so far. Just got hie parole approved last month. Release date is Nov.2007. At first I was a little upset, but he has to take an eightten month program, no way out of it. When people ask me, I simply say"For stupid." Simple, plain, truthful. As I have told many, no mother has a child and says when he grows, he'll go to prison, YEA! That would be dumb. I love him no matter what. He made a mistake so what. I know what happened and I know the truth. He messed up. But is coming out a better person. He was so excited when I got to visit him two weeks ago. Great attitude. He said.
"Mom, Nov.2007 is much better than August 2010. Got to love him.

Thank goodness for this thread!

I avoid telling people he's in prison. Whenever I have they just shut down and look at me like I'm a candidate for a straitjacket. Some ask, "What did he do?"

Oh boy, here we go again. I don't tell them. I usually give a blank stare; or I offer to give them his address so they can correspond with him and ask him themselves.

He's a man! Him being a prisoner does not define who he is! Good golly, miss molly, he's accomplished more in prison than a lot of people (myself included) will ever accomplish in the free world. He's been the editor of a prison newspaper which won several awards, writes articles for a magazine, he paints... yet, when I tell people he's in prison that's all they can see.

He's guilty of the crime he did -- yes. He takes the full blame -- doesn't play the "if this or that hadn't been done to me" it "never would have happened." He accepts full responsibility for it.

These judgemental whinies that can't see past the "he's in prison so he's bad" crap just make me wanna' go ... go ... and spit nails!

I mean, when a friend talks about whoever they're seeing, do you ask them "how has she/he sinned?" Of course not. Maybe because crimes are public record, some people believe they have the right to pry and make themselves judge and jury.

Okay. I'm ranting. I believe I'm done now.

Well I have not had a problem with this question until last night. Very few people know my husband and the friends I do have I have told most of them, I have no problem with that.

However, last night was another story and I am hoping that this person will understand my response to her.

I have never met this woman, never spoken to her, only passed some forwards in email to her and she has done the same to me.

She came right out and asked what my husbands charges were. She said she hated to ask and wanted to know also when he was getting out.

I wrote her back that I was not trying to be rude, but if she hated to ask, why was she asking?

Needless to say, I have not heard back from her.

If I choose to tell someone that is my business, if I don't that is also my business. I have my own reasons.

I think it is great to be able to share, or vent but sometimes there are circumstances that prevents this and I find that for me, for now this is where I am in my thought process.

Hopefully she will understand. I have not ever asked her what her loved one is in for or when he gets out. Nor would I. It is none of my business. If she wants me to know, she will tell me.

Just my thoughts.

I don't think people realize the rudeness... maybe that's a little extreme... boldness, maybe, of "What's he/she in for..." I mean, I have to admit, I had pretty much the same mindset before I met my man. He was the first contact I ever had with the prison institution. Maybe it's due to ignorance... hell I don't know.

I met Robert through an internet site. I had chosen several penpals from an internet site to correspond with. Why I chose prisoners? Maybe because of what had happened in my own world, it was an attempt to understand... something.

First concern was what crime they committed; not because of outright boorishness, but concern for my children's safety. No, I wasn't going to invite anyone to come live with me -- romance was not the goal. And the concern was not just because they were prisoners--one shouldn't trust any stranger be they prisoner or a law abiding citizen. After all, a "law-abiding citizen" can be one that just hasn't been caught yet.

I wrote to Robert--he answered and in his first letter, told me what crime he had committed. And I hadn't asked. That's what impressed me the most -- the "here I am -- take it or leave it" attitude. The other two to whom I had written -- well, correspondence kind of dwindled out. I believe Robert had me hooked from the first letter on.

Maybe the people who ask the what-did-he-do question do not have a family member/acquaintance incarcerated. With them, the general attitude appears to be if one is in prison, they have lost all individuality--their whole persona is gone; talents, personalities, quirks, good (or bad) sense of humor, abilities to love and yearning to be loved--the only characteristic left is what crime they committed. Inmates are not people anymore; they become the dangerous species... in the public eye.

People! I hate "people"!:cool: I only like individual persons! :confused: :p

I would like to come up with a good answer though. One that will make them stop and, well, be enlightened. Or maybe the "none of your da-- business" will have to do.

I too had various answers, depending on the situation. I don't mind telling people I trust, whether they're good friends or not. Some employers knew, others didn't. My favorite "oops" was when a boss asked "So- what does your husband do?"... before I could even stop my mouth, out popped, "Time, yours?". I thought she was going to faint! She simply said, "He's a contractor", and that was the end of it.

A few times I've used the "Felony stupid in public" line, or the infamous, "He works for the state"... but usually I just don't let myself get into those situations where I'll have to lie. I hate doing it, but I also hate the ignorance that comes with the truth.

I think some people at my last job had it figured out, but never said anything. He was so close to coming home that I could use the "Works out of state" line, and get by with it. And- I forwarded my home phone to the cell phone, so he was always calling me at work, and co-workers would hear what seemed to be a "normal" conversation... I'm sure they were ALL confused!

Now that he's home, it amazes me how free HE is with the info. He did a new tattoo on me that has the number of days he was gone, 4601- and one of his clients saw it the other night. She asked me what it meant, and I just said, "a period of time I don't ever want to forget...". He popped right up and told her, "It's the number of days I was in the joint"... Yikes! She just looked at me and smiled, and told me he must have really been worth waiting for. Um, yeah!

I've learned that more often than not, people don't really want all the details, and I have always been able to "read" people fairly well. So- if they asked, I'd size them up quick, and answer accordingly.

Missy

I love the answer "Time, yours"? That must have really been a sight to see. I am sure no one could come back with anything to that answer. What in the world could they say, unless they were rude enough to ask "What for". I am sure though you would of been ready for it.

Thanks for the laugh and for sharing.

Actually, I WAS ready... if she'd asked "for what?", I would simply have told her "Roughly 16 years..." That surely would have shut her up. I really didn't mean to let the "time" comment slip out, but once the damage was done, why not run with it? LOL!

I have nothing to hide...except from my mom...lol she is my greatest critic...so i tell her hes in there for stuff related to a riot...she knew my hubby before he went in he used to come party at my house back when and such but ya...everyone else i tell em what is there to hide? if you don't like it don't talk to me :)

I HATE when people talk about why Lee is down....mostly everyone i hang out with in town knows though. (Not told by me) People here have BIG mouths...I think it is extremely rude to ask me that question. But if they do...i tell him "He shot someone...on accident" And then from there i let them judge me or not..I really don't care too much about what people think about "us"

I say for not minding his own business. Hopefully they get the point.

I don't think people mean to be rude when they ask this - it's simply a normal human question, curiosity... and a lack of sensitivity to realize it might be intrusive hurt the other person's feelings. Look at all the people who walk up to pregnant women and pat their bellies! How rude is that?! Yet they mean no harm. Simply haven't considered how it feels to the other person.
I would give an evasive answer the first time, and hopefully the other person would get the point. If he persists with questions he has no business knowing about, then I could get a little tougher in my come-back. But the first curious question - cut 'em some slack.

I just say......"That's the last thing I want to talk about". It has always worked for me. And it really is how I feel.

when i am asked what did he do.. i just say he didnt listen to his wife.. and now look at him ..

LOL!! That's funny e_wife!!! It depends on whose asking...I have two different answers. For those who are just being nosy...like other visitors waiting in line and are looking for something to tell their friends when they get home, I just tell that that their question is considered 'taboo' and it was a good thing they asked me instead of the wrong person because some of these ladies get pretty PO'ed when they're asked that...I know it sounds mean but it does stop them from asking again!!!
The other answer is I tell the truth, I give my friends and ppl I like, the condensed version of what happened.


penwife

I love the answer "Time, yours"? That must have really been a sight to see. I am sure no one could come back with anything to that answer. What in the world could they say, unless they were rude enough to ask "What for". I am sure though you would of been ready for it.

Thanks for the laugh and for sharing.

i don't see who made that "time" comment...but i'm going to use it. for the first time in a long time, i had to deal with someone saying to me, "well obviously what he did this time isn't the only thing he did." i'll reply from now on, "well the last time he did time (and like another poster said)...for being stupid in public. oh, you didn't know that was a felony?" :D
thank goodness the person that asked this wasn't related to me or really close to me...so i didn't get so upset...but i found a new response for the people who don't know but want to be nosy heh.:thumbsup:

I just say......"That's the last thing I want to talk about". .

I like that one -- hopefully, whoever asks gets the point that it is an invasive question. Plus, it's not a rude reply.

people are so rude, most of the time i tell them if i wanted you to know i would have sent you a memo did you get it? guess i didnt want you to know did i?
then if i do take the time to tell them and they say something smart, i look them straight in the eye , well when he gets out he will be living with me , not you , so dont worry about it!

yea I have to agree people can be rude but i've just had to say either i'd rather not say or change the subject... not that i'm ashamed or anything but it isn't everyones business and like the one that says if i choose to make it somebodys business i will but that is a very sensative question indeed....

When people are so rude I usually just say "for breaking the law."

I'm going to use that too! It's funny.

I don't know if anyone will find humor in it or not (it might be one of those things where you just had to be there). But EVERYONE and their MOTHER feels the need to know, when they find out he is in jail. So oneday I someone asked me the dreaded question.....
So what did he do? I said, "Killed a cop." The look one their face was so funny. Then I was like I'm just joking. By that time they are so caught up by what I said, they forget the fact that I never answered them.

i usually say to add experience to his resume. hey, it makes them pause long enough for me to walk away.

well i feel if they dont like my decision to be with the man i love then they obviously dont need my friendship ya know so im like Burglary evem though there is more but at least im not ashamed u know lol

just my opinion

i usually say to add experience to his resume. hey, it makes them pause long enough for me to walk away.

Good one!


pw

I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?
i will just say he is in the feds so what do you think

i hate that question too because what he did was so horrible and it was against awomen so i dont want to tell no one because i love him and i hate when people look at me like im some wacko because i still want to be with him. i know him and i kn owfor a fact he is sorry for what he did , he was drunk and in rage and he doesnt even understand himself why he did it but his first phone call he sounded so depressed and so apologetic for what he did i knew right there i would give him another chance to be loved. anyway idont tell anyone that i am with him just my closest friend and my mom who introduced us before this happened. i do this because i have enough worries right with my life and my man problems that i dont have time or the energy to battle people opinions of me or my man.

I say he was found guilty of having a piss poor lawyer.

I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?


hi im new but my better half is in prison for assult with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury and yes when people ask what he done and then ask how long hes got it is a little nerve racking but im kinda getting use to it cause every ones reaction is the same cause my man has 9-12 yrs and i have 2 sons by him and when i tell people im waiting not thats what really gets theme going but i see it this way they dont know the person u love as well as u do so just ignore because people sometimes cant look past things and can never have a understanding of your life and how u have to live with this from day to day so ignore people cause it really does not matter what anyone else thinks right?

I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?


hi im new but my better half is in prison for assult with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury and yes when people ask what he done and then ask how long hes got it is a little nerve racking but im kinda getting use to it cause every ones reaction is the same cause my man has 9-12 yrs and i have 2 sons by him and when i tell people im waiting not thats what really gets theme going but i see it this way they dont know the person u love as well as u do so just ignore because people sometimes cant look past things and can never have a understanding of your life and how u have to live with this from day to day so ignore people cause it really does not matter what anyone else thinks right?

I don't think you should outright lie about it because it is all public information that can be accessed just by going to a web site. When someone finds out that you lied, that will make them lose all respect for you. Remember there is a difference between lying and not telling all of the information. I like the response saying he/she broke the law. Thats short and simple. I am sure once they know that he/she broke the law they will go home and hop on the computer and look up the dirt. Try to make the topic not come up. You will be surprised, if you don't talk about it, people don't know. Makes sense, huh.

If I think that person will try and pass judgement,I tell them none of their damn business. If it is someone who is down to earth and understanding I will tell them, but not the whole story.

I tell anyone who asks armed robbery. If they want to know more they ask and I answer truthfully. I never volunteer information and unless I am sure of the person or people I am with or around. The longer I have been with my husband I have learned not to try and explain to those that are not involved in prison life. It simply goes over their heads and is beyond their human ability to comprehend the choices we have made and our decisions to live our lives as we do.

This is just general, not about anyone here.

Why would someone tell that their husband is in jail, and then get mad when the person asks what he's in for?! That doesn't make any sense to me. If the person didn't tell that he was in prison, there would be no problem. How can someone bring something up and then get mad when a question is asked about it?! I don't tell people anything that I don't want them asking questions about. That seems to be the easiest way to avoid it.

Junes Girl, I have no answer to that. People are just funny, not ha ha but strange. If I bring up my brother I expect people will ask what he did, that is just natural, they figure if I am open enough to tell them he is in prison then I am open enough to say why.

they figure if I am open enough to tell them he is in prison then I am open enough to say why.

Yeah, that's what I meant! Sorry about your brother. I guess it depends also on what people are comfortable with. I never told anybody in "real" life except family and a few friends that my husband was in jail. I had a friend whose brother was in for murder and she told people that when they asked. She said it in a confident and comfortable manner, like "he's my brother and I love him", and I think because of her attitude nobody said anything rude to her.

The thing is, if I said to someone, "my husband is in prison", and I end the sentence there, a person with the common sense of a pea-hen would understand that since I stopped speaking, that is the end of the conversation. If I wanted them to know, I would have said "My husband is in prison for aggravated robbery and aggravated assault".

I've got to say that if you don't want people to know, then don't answer about where they are. People are curious by nature, so if you are unwilling to answer why they are there, then don't answer about their location. We all know that the majority of folks out here are less than understanding about people doing time. It is unrealistic to expect people not to ask why, when they find out your loved one is incarcerated. I agree, its rude, but that doesn't make it any less human nature.

I have to agree on that one. I think once you have told them he is in prison you have opened up the lines of communication. Good or bad, so if you don't want to be asked questions don't tell. You could also just say I don't like to talk about it. I know this is a delicate issue, I know people who have asked my brother and he always says he got in with the wrong people, which isn't true but he tries to protect my privacy. ( The wrong people were the tellers at the banks he robbed) LOL. OK sorry!

Very good thread.

Not a lot of people know my dad is in prison since he lives in Michigan and I live in Ohio, but once in awhile, someone finds out. I don't mind telling you folks, he's in for 2nd degree murder, several counts of kidnapping and rape.

If someone is naive enough to actually go as far as to ask "what for", I just reply...making a mistake. They usually get the message and let it be.

I just tell them that he got into a fight with his friends


KarrieMI

What a great answer!

You know someone in my family asked me that a few months ago after saying that he went for murder I asked where did you get that from? She couldn't answer then I straightened her out and just stated he is in for self defense.OH and that was the end of that

When my husband was in jail the first time I told everyone who asked about him that he was out of town on buisness for 4 months (his sentence) and i had a whole story that i was really good at telling bc WE had traveled together on buisness in 03 and there were lots of men who were doing what we did by thereselves with wives in other states at home for months at a time. So it was all very believable, but it got really old having to come up with awnsers to EVERYTHING for certain nosey ppl. Again i was really good at it but still. Im honestly not a really good liar i just knew exacally what to say most the time. Now that hes in jail again i just dont say unless of course they ask and i just tell them hes in jail bc its so much easier then what i did before and when they ask why (wich i always expect) I tell them its personal and id rather not share. Most the time i get funky looks bc at this point u know they are thinking its something horrible but oh well!! Only i know the facts and i really dont care what others think about any of it. But i was reading the begining of this thread and i do like what someone posted and i think thats gonna be my new reason!!! "for breaking the law!!!"

This is just general, not about anyone here.

Why would someone tell that their husband is in jail, and then get mad when the person asks what he's in for?! That doesn't make any sense to me. If the person didn't tell that he was in prison, there would be no problem. How can someone bring something up and then get mad when a question is asked about it?! I don't tell people anything that I don't want them asking questions about. That seems to be the easiest way to avoid it.

I get asked by other prison visitors what my man is in prison for all of the time!
I did not tell them he was there, they have seen us in the visiting room!
So for them to ask me why he's in prison, well this is a valid reason for me to get upset at being asked!

Oh, my husband? Well, he is a Missionary in Africa right now. Usually they say, "Wow!" - I say, "Yes, quite the experience, you would not believe the animals he is around and puts up with daily..." No one wants to know about a Missionary. They stop right there. Don't even ask for how long.

Oh, my husband? Well, he is a Missionary in Africa right now. Usually they say, "Wow!" - I say, "Yes, quite the experience, you would not believe the animals he is around and puts up with daily..." No one wants to know about a Missionary. They stop right there. Don't even ask for how long.

I think I am stealing your answer. There's SO many good points in it. Since he's learning Spanish, I'm gonna change my location to Guatemala. :)

Jenn

I think I am stealing your answer. There's SO many good points in it. Since he's learning Spanish, I'm gonna change my location to Guatemala. :)

Jenn

Go right ahead, Jenn! The "worst" response I ever received was, "No way - Has he ever run into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie over there???"

Hehe, yeah. My Husband. The Saint.

I might have to share that with his mother. She wouldn't want to "Lie" by adding a location, but she could make it work... and he IS active with his religious group.. ;)

Thanks!! :) ;) ;);)

Jenn

Well here in Oklahoma that is one question that is not asked in visitation. That is none of your business for one. Now on the other hand if your husband/ boyfriend or whoever you are visiting wants to tell you then that is a differant story, but you never go up to them and ask that question. That is one rule we go by here. Now I'm not speaking for everyone I'm just speaking by the rules me and my husband has and all the family has.

Welcome!

I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?

HEY! WHEN I AM ASKED THAT QUESTION I JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY, LIKE ARE YOU TALKING TO ME??? I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST BECAUSE MISSISSIPPI HAD SO MANY :eek: PEOPLE AROUND WITH NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT ASK QUESTIONS WHICH ARE NONE OF THEIR BUSINESSS......
STAND TALL GIRLFRIEND!!! AND STAND BY YOUR MAN!!!

I've found the one thing that will stop them in their tracks...

"Ummmm, why do you want to know?" sounds real simple, but you'd be surprised at the looks I get with that...


As far as his sentence...you could use the same response, but I will tell them this and leave them with their jaw dragging the floor...sometimes this response will cause curiosity to kill the cat and I get other 'non-ya' questions...sometimes I answer them, sometimes I don't.


I have even told a couple of people that they really needed to talk to him about that.

A rule of thumb for me is I never bring him up with people that don't know unless I have time for added conversation. I am not private about anything with friends and family, ask me I will tell you, just make sure you want to know the answer (if I know).

But, at work I don't talk about him. Not because I am ashamed or it's real ugly or any of that. It's because I don't have time to school people that don't understand and people that don't understand are usually petrified (I've had ignorant people treat me like I was a drug dealer or a mass murderer after finding out the basics, in my line of work, and I am just a book keeper).

Just my two cents there...

Oh, my husband? Well, he is a Missionary in Africa right now. Usually they say, "Wow!" - I say, "Yes, quite the experience, you would not believe the animals he is around and puts up with daily..." No one wants to know about a Missionary. They stop right there. Don't even ask for how long.

Thats a good simple one!! I might have to steal that one myself!!!!

I just saw...for being bad. It's really no one's business, and for those that do know, well, those are the ones that are going to stick by us and help us through the hell we are going through with him there. Besides, if they really want to know...they can look it up themselves!!

(It's not a complete lie - our guys are around "animals" daily!) :D

Why do people always want to know what someone did as soon as they hear that they are in prison?
Doesnt make sense to me?
I rarely ever ask anyone not on here not anywhere what did their man do to be in prison it's none of my business, heck I have enough of my own so called prison business going on in my life I dont really need to know someone else's! But I can and do say this though, and that is I have asked someone before but not till after we made a friendship and were traveling pals together but not just Dang Girl Your Man's in Prison
what's he in for? LOL Because I seem to attract that question all the time! Now my family even extended already know that Chuy is in prison and what for but other's always want to know when he's coming home also and I always give a million different answers or tell them any day and they'll be like any day YEP is my answer heck they dont need to know my business!
I just dont understand people sometimes! I think it's human nature to be curious it's just rude to be nosey!

KarrieMI

Yanno what, the people that ask this question are the same ones that don't have any shame about asking how much something cost or how much you make. Alot of them aren't even aware they're being rude, so I let them know.

I won't make up some elaborate lie n say my man is somewhere hes not. I'll say he's in prison. If someone asks what he did, I'll say "that's our business"-flat out. I never ask anyone questions that aren't my business, so I won't answer them when I'm asked.

My response has varied depending on who is asking. My favorite one is this "it doesn't matter" because honestly it just doesn't. he isn't the man who went to prison 11 years ago, heck he isn't even the same man I started writing to 9 months ago...

It is nobody's business why he is in prison so I just say that I do not wish to discuss it. End of subject. Works for me.

I answer this question all the time... my man is a lifer and has been in 20 years. But i generally say, well he made a mistake 20 years ago and california refuses to let him go because they like having my man work for them.....The next question i get is when will he get out....i always just say i dont know....People are curious by nature and most of the time i believe it is noones business but my own. I often volunteer no information depending on who it is and why i think they want to know. I never talk about it with people whom i dont trust or know well. Just a personal thing for me.

I really hate answering that question, and I find it rude, if I met you at work or whereever and it came up your husband,boyfriend,son whoever was incarcerated I would NEVER ask "what did he do", I would wait for someone to offer the information. I sometimes tell the truth, then from the reactions I wish I hadn't. Should I lie? Also when they ask how long he has I sometimes have lied and not said what he has cause his sentence seems to freak out street folk.
What do you all say, do you make it sound less then it is, say you don't want to go into it, what?
I always say, if you want to know then ask him!
Of course, they can't; but then thats not my problem is it? :ha:

My bf has been in for like 12 years, he was only 16 when he went in , and i was still in high school at the time. Everybody was like be careful talking to her. " her boyfriend might kill you." So i was left dealing with everything on the outside. Kinda sucks when they want to judge.

I feel where you all are coming from. I get the same questions, but half of the time I tell then what he's in for. It doesn't matter to me, because I'm the one who has to love him not them. As long as I'm happy!!

I feel where you all are coming from. I get the same questions, but half of the time I tell then what he's in for. It doesn't matter to me, because I'm the one who has to love him not them. As long as I'm happy!!


That's a good attitude to have!



Ann

I lie it's just easier then the truth, I love John more then anything in this world but he was so wrong I almost never tell anyone why he is locked up I have even gone as far as just saying husbands just away they always assume at war

actually I got asked that today. I am not embarrassed by my man and will stand beside him no matter what. I tell the truth! He made a mistake and now he's paying for it and i will be here waiting when he gets out! if they don't like it they can just walk away! the person who asked me said "you don't have to tell me" and I said it's alright I'm not afraid of what anybody thinks. I'm proud to be his girl no matter where he is or what he's done. He's still the many I fell in love with and that will never change!!!!!!!!!!!

Humor is great...if we couldn't maintain a sense of humor about this where would we be? I don't talk to many people about my partner being in prison. We live in a very small, close-knit community on an Indian Reservation. You have NEVER experienced the negative power of gossip until you've been in a place like this I'm from California and I've never experienced anything like the destructive power of gossip in this community. It's as if people want to hurt others with gossip. So I say nothing. If anyone asks where my man is, I just say he's away. To PTO folks who'll understand.....I think that so few people understand the true nature of addictions. Most people blame the addicted person. They don't understand that my guy didn't make a conscious decision to be addicted to alcohol. His genetics (Native American) put him at extreme risk, and the extreme poverty and an alcoholic father cemented his relationship with alcohol. Just because our men made mistakes in life doesn't make them bad people. There's so many factors that contributed to my man's problems with alcohol. But most people just want to blame him. So, I decided not to share info about him with people that don't care about him, his life, and his recovery. i am with you i am pretty sure my husband didn't just wake up one day and say whatthe heck i think i will be a alcoholic and of course there are the stupid people that think it is so easy just to give it up and never relapse it is something you fight everday for the rest of your life.

I tell them. He's in there cuz his ex not me. Hes my man 110%. I love him. & ya'll are right. That was then, this is now. I miss him so much.

If it's someone that I don't really know very well that wants to know what my boyfriends in prison for, I'll iether lie, change the subject or flat out tell them just for shock value. If they really must know the details, they better be prepaird to hear them. As for the people in my everyday life, I have no probem letting them know his crime, becouse they are not judgemental people and they don't condem him for his mistakes. Knowone is perfect. Jesus said, " He without sin cast the first stone."

I used to try and avoid the question, now, except for on PTO, I say "bootlegging Bibles"...leaves 'em thinking long enough for me to slip away or change the subject.

You know what..it isn't anybody's business. But if they want to go. screw it. I'll tell him. I love him no matter what. Of course huh? I wouldn't be sittin' here right?. lol It is what it is.. ya know

I usually say he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught.. If they push I get details

This is going to sound terrible. But there has been a few times in my life I have told people what my wife was in prison for just to get rid of them. usually they are people that are rather annoying and nosey. So when they ask, "What is your wife in prison for" I very casually say murder and they run away like I have Ebola. Which is exactly what I want them to do. Sometimes it can work to our advantage when you tell people that, lol.

It's not that I'm ashamed,but I've made such horrible choices in men and I grew up here in this very small harbor, and I choose NOT to tell anyone because it's hard enough dealing with him in prison, that I don't want or need to hear any negative remarks from the people I've known all my life.Does that make sense? I have one more year left before my daughter grad(not his child)then I can move out of this one horse town, to be closer to my man.where ever that may be. he just got in trouble and got transferred clear across the state that he's incarserated in.Im so bummed. anyhow I choose to tell afew select people that I can trust not to judge me. call me chicken, but i've been ridiculed enough all my life I don't need to hear it about the man I love.

I hate it when it's asked that way...I agree with the movie Cadence...it's not "what did he do" it's "what is he accused of"

i hate that question too...mines in for murder...so I tell them...then they ask me for the 'details' of what happened...WTF??? Why the heck do people need to know the details for?

Most of the time I tell them, "If you wanna know, go visit him and ask him yourself."

Some of your answers, to the questions, that we all face, were awesome!!

It gets tiring sometimes, trying to explain, defend, answer the endless string of questions that seem to follow, I have found that humor works for me.

I live in a very small town in the deep south, so I usually just tell them...

"are you old enough to remember the incident with the old sheep and the large chicken?...it was horrible, we don't like to discuss it" and walk away, leaving their minds to wander where ever it wants to.

As far as those who we allow into our lives? we have always been upfront and honest, leaving the choice up to them, if they choose to accept it and remain in our inner circle, or turn away from us.

Most know us and Love us and deal with it accordingly, but I have has 4 incidents of people calling children's services, to report a SO living with my kids and all 4 times it was done out of spite, some people seem to feel the need to project themselves into our lives whether we want them there or not.

Thanks for the smiles this morning, finding this site was so awesome for me.

My boyfriend is at Pelican Bay SHU... so when people ask me "why is your boyfriend in prison?", i usually just tell them to take the trek up to the bay & ask him themselves. That place has such a stigma attached to it & is known as keeping "the worst of the worst" (which is pure BS in my opinion), so my response usually shuts them up pretty quickly... i'm sure in their narrow little minds they have the worst possible things running through their heads. Anyone who is close to me or him already KNOWS why he's there, anyone else... it's none of their business. I'm not ashamed of him AT ALL, i just feel like if he wants people to know, he'll make it known, it's not place to put him on blast.

i THiNK iTz KiNDA RUDE FOR ANYONE TO ASK AND WHEN THEY SEE A PiCTURE OF MY JOE THEY USUALLY FORM THiER OWN OPiONiONz ON HiM i COULD CARE LESS WHAT HEz iN FOR HEz NOT A MURDER OR CHiLD MOLESTER AND GOT WAY TO MUCH TiME FOR HiS DRUG CASE BUT iM THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO SAY BY HiS SiDE NO ONE ELSE! MY LiL SiSTER TELLz GUYz WHO TRY TO HiT ON ME JOEz iN FOR KiLLiNG A GUY WHO WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE! LOLz

Life is just like that ppl are nosy no matter what its about, and when they get a little hint of what is going on in your like they make their own opinion without even knowing the truth, the whole story or even partial of the story. They formulate their opinion cause many feel that is what someone else wants to hear. As i always stated i don't see where its someone's business what my husband did, i don't ask ppl what their man does, or how he got to where ever it may be or how he did what ever he does. ya know

i THiNK iTz KiNDA RUDE FOR ANYONE TO ASK AND WHEN THEY SEE A PiCTURE OF MY JOE THEY USUALLY FORM THiER OWN OPiONiONz ON HiM i COULD CARE LESS WHAT HEz iN FOR HEz NOT A MURDER OR CHiLD MOLESTER AND GOT WAY TO MUCH TiME FOR HiS DRUG CASE BUT iM THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO SAY BY HiS SiDE NO ONE ELSE!

Well, even if he WAS in for murder or molesting, it would still be rude. Some of us here have loved ones serving sentences for one of those charges, don't forget.

sometimes i tell them(depending on who they are) sometimes i tell them it was for a crime when he was younger.. i tell them only if i feel that they need to know! otherwise it is noyb!

Usually I tell them that he did something stupid when he was younger. Then I change the subject.

Anybody I want to have personal details about my life I've talked to about it already.

In my opinion we shouldn't judge other folks on what crime their loved one committed! Comparing crimes makes us no better or worse than the next guy...we are all here for support and so that is what we should concentrate on!!!


ann

I hate that question being asked, i think its rude as well. I always respond with a smart ass answer "something illegal"

it is rude, but many are curious. I usually say that he made a bad decision when he was younger. I do not go into details because it is none of their business and I feel that if they want to know that he should be the one to tell them or not.

I like MrsPhils response- people will ask, but you dont have to tell themanything. Tell themt he truth and that will always set you free. then you dont have to remember what you told people, being vague creates more questions. One shouldnt judge, but we know they do. Well I wouldnt want to be their friend either if they cant accept me for me and all my baggage.

I hate that question being asked, i think its rude as well. I always respond with a smart ass answer "something illegal"

SOOOO FUNNY!:p

I find that most of the people asking that question are women visiting inmates at the prison. I sometimes answer honestly but won't provide details. If they're that curious they usually ask their men or family member or write his name down from the visiting log and look up his charges, as I have been told by someone who did just that. I sometimes answer the question and sometimes I don't because one answer seems to open the door to other questions: How long is his bid? How did you meet? Where is he from? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? And on and on. My response is you're asking why too many personal questions. Why?

I always say wat didnt he do?

I always say wat didnt he do?LOL

I usually say he committed a crime. But I have confided in those close to me, and of course there were some who found out because my brother's name was released in the local newspaper...that was a fun time [/sarcasm]

I tell them, Now, you all, let that be a lesson to you, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, tear that tag off the mattress under any circumstance...

Usually I dont bring it up, but if I did some of you ladies have great responses! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i MAY STEAL A COUPLE THANX!

I like to tell them "nunya". None ya damn business. haha

Its really hard for my to answer this question, especially when my friends ask where my boyfriend went. When they find out he's in prison it makes it even more difficult when they ask the question "what's he in for"? I don't want to lie to my friends, but I don't want them to judge me or him. When strangers find out he's locked up and ask for what I usually just say over some BS. They usually don't push the subject, but when they do I just reply with short answers like he broke his probation or broke the law. It's none of anyones business what he's in for, and its rude to ask. If I want to tell you what he did then I will, don't hassle me about it though.

I just stare at them...

i let them know the whole story cuz it wasnt his fault
and i hate ppl assuming shit!!

LOL!! Lot's of good answers!


Ann

Its really hard for my to answer this question, especially when my friends ask where my boyfriend went. When they find out he's in prison it makes it even more difficult when they ask the question "what's he in for"? I don't want to lie to my friends, but I don't want them to judge me or him. When strangers find out he's locked up and ask for what I usually just say over some BS. They usually don't push the subject, but when they do I just reply with short answers like he broke his probation or broke the law. It's none of anyones business what he's in for, and its rude to ask. If I want to tell you what he did then I will, don't hassle me about it though.


I understand what you are talking about as where i work only a few knows where my husband is, and the other day some of my coworkers were talking about a talk show that was going to be about women who loves men in prison and my co workers were like , those men who are in prison are losers and worthless, i would have walked on.. I just rolled my eyes and walked away cause i got so mad at them .

people out here are very shallow. Most who ask that question are just trying to obtain a thread to gossip on! Guess their own lives are not interesting enough. I don't ever let them bother me cause I'm quite sure if we could look into their closets...we'd find plenty there! My only judge i worry about is God! I just pray for them.

LMAO at 'MonsterGirlsMom' reply, I gotta say I wish I was there to capture his face once you told him that. But it sure does spark a nerve when people, especially those that you barely even know have the audacity to ask such a personal question. I highly agree with Leenallie as well, it should be up to the person if she feels she wants to get into detail with what he had done. I feel IT IS being rude and pushy to ask that. However, if it's someone I've known for a long time, like family or a close friend, I don't mind the question being asked but I do feel awkward saying what he has done and so when I do feel this way, I tend to say "It's a LOoong story", and usually at that point they get the idea that it's something I don't want to discuss.

I can understand feeling it is rude to ask...but at the same time I think it is natural curiosity to do so. I don't think people mean to be rude - at least those who have asked me never seemed rude to me. Just curious - as, frankly, I would be too if I was in their shoes. Before all of this, had I met someone who loved someone (brother, lover, sister...doesn't matter) in prison I'd be curious as to what landed them there and what is was like for all those involved.

It's funny because I think if a co-worker told me her husband was in jail, I might still have that curiosity...and yet, on here I see so many different names posting so many different things...and it doesn't actually occur to me to ask what their man did, because I'm more interested in THEM. Oh well. :)

Now I can still understand the interest, because it's just not something that is a part of everyone's life, not a side of life people know that much about. So if it comes up, when asked, I answer relatively truthfully. Depending on the circumstances of the conversation I may or may not go into much detail. But usually just a quick response satisfies the curiousity.

I do like all of the responses on here though, there are some funny ones that I would love to use sometime. But all in all, frankly, I'm way too open of a person for that. I'd just tell, because in the end for me it's easier. Otherwise they'd just continue to be curious and speculate all the more.

I hate when people(mainly my co workers) ask me that rude question, and some don't ask they just assume that he is in prison for possesion charges cause people knew what he did by the way we were livin I had a thousand dollar a week allowance, and you could tell, but the people I think would understand I tell them he is in for murder and the first thing they say is you gonna wait, and I tell em time will tell!!!

Its hard for me to tell people it was a personel ad... because this is NOT a big town and most everyone knows I was a C/O... So Im tagged as the enemy, crossing sides. I get people asking me "was it, or him worth it"? People are shallow and most everyone feels like he just used me.. HE did NOT.. Never asked me for anything but my love, whatever I did I did on my own out of love and we're still together.

Depending on who it is. I will tell the truth, if I know they won't pass judgement. If it's someone who will have a smart a$$ remark. I'll make up something. They don't need to know the truth.

When people are so rude I usually just say "for breaking the law."

Ha, I like that. Actually, I didn't think about it before I saw this thread--I normally just tell the truth, although it's an abbreviated version of the truth because the story is sooooo drawn out. But I think now I'll be a smartass and say something like "He's in for five years because he KO'd a guy for being nosy and asking too many questions."

:p

My friends have asked what he's in for and I tell them, he is very open about what he did and knows he did wrong.

My friends have asked what he's in for and I tell them, he is very open about what he did and knows he did wrong.

That is a great thing, when they accept what they did. My husband is like that but he is just like if its some random man who is trying to get with me, just tell him my husband is at home. lol

When ppl ask, I usually just say "for breaking the law"--it's simple and the truth. When I was younger, I used to try and tell the story, but that was exhausting.

I don't go into detail about his crime, but i tell them the truth, they can judge him if they want but I know who he is and that's all that matters to me:)

I don't go into detail about his crime, but i tell them the truth, they can judge him if they want but I know who he is and that's all that matters to me:)


I agree with this, cause it is true ppl will judge our loved ones no matter what they do or whom they are. we take the time to love our loved one for the good and the bad.

I think it's ok to say that he broke the law, it's nobody's business.

I just tell people he went to trial wothout a paid lawyer. In the just system money talks

yeah I get this all the time too. I have his name tattooed on my neck and everyone always asks me if its my son or what and I tell them no its my fiance and they ask me where he is and I tell them prison and they be like for what..I just smile and say Murder. or when i go to make copies of our pictures I get asked whens he coming home and when i tell them 2029 they ask me if i'm waiting for him faithfully as if!!! lol

depends on whose asking in all honesty. there are certain folks id prefer knew as little as possible.

I say nothing to my new friends or work colleges. If someone asks where he is I will lie and say he is in the army.

Those who need to know do and those that dont know dont.

I am over the shocked look on peoples face and then some say oh well he shouldnt be locked up for that - I am yes he should he broke the law! I have lost jobs because my husband is in jail. The kids have lost friends because their step dad is in jail. I have lost false friends and been bullied and harassed from it too.

My close friend has told people he is jail and then goes it is because he broke the law that is why. Why are you being rude and asking such personal questions? Got to love her.

I say nothing to my new friends or work colleges. If someone asks where he is I will lie and say he is in the army.

Those who need to know do and those that dont know dont.

I am over the shocked look on peoples face and then some say oh well he shouldnt be locked up for that - I am yes he should he broke the law! I have lost jobs because my husband is in jail. The kids have lost friends because their step dad is in jail. I have lost false friends and been bullied and harassed from it too.

My close friend has told people he is jail and then goes it is because he broke the law that is why. Why are you being rude and asking such personal questions? Got to love her.

Its just crazy cause ppl are so quick to judge, for all they know he could be in jail for unpaid parking tickets. They just make their decision on the world jail and run with it. Its very sad.

I don't offer the information to that many people that he is in prison so the question of "what did he do" doesn't come up to often. Usually if I trust the person enough to tell them that he is in prison I don't mind telling them what he is in for. I don't make it sound like less than it is I just tell them the whole story because no one was hurt. Its only a violent offense because there was a gun.

Bob? Oh he's out of state in college. Med school is after that and there is years of training.

Honestly, it's nobody's business. Close family knows the truth. Anyone else gets the college story.

Bob? Oh he's out of state in college. Med school is after that and there is years of training.

Honestly, it's nobody's business. Close family knows the truth. Anyone else gets the college story.

I'm not trying to be a smart aleck and I feel for your situation, but that's kind of funny :D