Im not sure if Im just ment to be with an abuser, my father would beat my brothers and I and my mother till we bleed. I told myself I would never be with a person like my dad. Well now I believe I em. Jay has many mental problems but it was nothing I wasnt use to. My step-mother is bi polar and so is Jay. I didnt know the extent of his anger till we got in our first true fight. It was over a comment and since I once was a very outgoing person on my words and actions I told him off. It was a major mistake on my part. He threw me into the sofa and then sat on my chest. He knew I had breathing problems but right then he didnt care. He never hit me, what he did was worse then any beating from my father. He grabbed my skin till it turned red and then would push his fingers under my collar bone and rib cage. The more I fought back the worse I got, I tryed pushing him off and it only fueled him to push, grap and apply more weight on me. I never once thought he would be the kinda person to flip out on me and do something like this. I was 17 when I started dating Jay and when I would go home my mother would ask me were the bruises came from and being the person I was I told her they came from play fights, but as the bruises got darker I couldnt tell her that no more. So I started to wear clothes that covered me up. Pretty soon Jay no longer put bruises on my arms or legs just on parts of my bady coverd by something. I thought of leaving him but after about 2 days of debating I would decide that I was just being stupid. The physical abuse did stop to a point. He would no longer do it at anytime, it only happened during sex. He said it was just him being rough, but I knew better. I allowed that to go on, but to him he still needed some way to prove he still had power over me. That is when the yelling started. He did it infront of his friends and his brother well he was around. Blue Jays brother left becuase Jay hit the drugs hard and I was the only one who didnt run. Sometimes I wish I could have left him but you just sometimes cant. I know that right now Ill stay with him till he says its over and it may be stupid of me to do that but I just cant leave and the bad part is my mother and everyone who knows Im with him fear that I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life, long or short. Kelly

How can one respond to that? I guess we really cant. YOu have your mind set and you made it clear that you dont care about your safety whatso ever. Cuz you know staying with him is something that may or may not end your life. This is a lifestyle that you choose to live. I just that you think twice before bringing a child into this enviroment for it wont be right for you to bring a baby into a place that is not going to be a safe haven. You have made it clear that you dont want advice for all that does is agitate you. all we can do is pray for you and hope that one day you will realize that you life is more important than that type of love. You grew up in a house full of pain y would want to remain in the same enviroment. Its like basically the same things just different place and different man. You told me that no one wants you .. the reason no one wants you is becuz you dont want you . You HAVE to LOVE YOURSELF before anyone can see that beauty whether it is inner or outer beauty. A man who loves you doesnt hit you ..he walks away when mad.. a man who cares for you cares about your opinion and would never tell you to shut up you opinion doesnt matter. WISHING YOU THE BEST IN YOUR LIFE!!

Jillian

Nobody, and I mean men as well as women, deserves to be hurtmentally and physically. I grew up with abuse all my life too, and continued to seek out relationships that would give me the "security" I thought I needed. It can stop with you, but you have to want it to stop. It took me 33 years to realize that I deserved way better than what I was getting in relationships. I had to be alone for a while to work on myself and learn to love myself before I could be with anyone else. It worked and when you have people treating you good, it's a feeling that was unimagineable to me 10 years ago. PM me if you ever need to talk.

Hi, here's a great big hug for you :grouphug:. Hon, I am also from an abusive background. I believe we are all here to be loved, not abused. You need to begin to heal ... please don't be like me and wait till you're in your 40's to seek help. Keep writing your feelings or even if you have to write on paper and rip up your writings or burn them, point is to get it out, it will help you. There are good books out there too and online abuse forums, etc. You can recover but you have to work at it. And one good thing I can think of is that us abuse survivors are known to be extremely resourceful bunch of folks. That's how we managed to stay alive and that resourcefulness comes in handy just about every day of my life. I'm very proud of that and I believe it sets myself - and everyone of us - apart in a really positive way. Best wishes to you, pm if I can be of help.