View Full Version : Can You Really Love Someone You Have Never Seen?


amyhouston2
12-18-2004, 01:53 PM
I AM JUST CURIOUS ON HOW DO YOU START TO LOVE SOMEONE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN, LIKE THOSE PEN PALS AND IF SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING-WRITTING THEM. NO OFFENSE..............:confused: , AND WHEN THEY GET OUT DO THEY PLAN ON LIVING WITH YOU?(EVEN IF YOU AHVE NEVER REALLY MET THEM.)

Ravenslove
12-18-2004, 02:45 PM
You can fall in love in letters and over the phone. I was married to a man for 21 years and never knew him as well as I know Raven now. Yes I have met Raven but I fall in love with him over and over again through our letters. No offense taken.

Retired-10
12-18-2004, 02:49 PM
I talked to my guy through letters for nearly six months before I realized it was love. I've never met him, nor will I, until after his release. It's not his plan but even if he asked to I would NEVER let him live with me. I won't let any man live with me until I have a ring on my finger. That's just rushing into things and I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm in no hurry. If it's meant to happen, it will. This is a stronger love than I've ever known. We communicate better than relationships I've had in the free world.

Francesca
12-18-2004, 03:21 PM
I think it's easier to get closer by letter because you tend to cut through the 'social niceties' a lot - it's a one on one conversation - and because you've 'lost' the cues like bodylanguage, voice tone, eye contact that we communicate with without realising, you have to say what you mean so the other person gets the message - if you try to beat around the bush then you tend to get crossed wires.

It's hard to write a letter about 'nothing' the way you can have a conversation with someone but at the end of the day though you've talked it's been 'surface' stuff. And because as well if you are talking to a pen pal - if you start saying 'Oh I saw X last night' - then you end up having to explain who X is and how long you knew them etc......

I have a pal who told me he'd been writing to me and someone else he'd met via a pen - pal site, but he felt by sharing his thaughts with both of us he was 'cheating' - so he stopped writing to the other pen pal he had (which isn't something I'd asked him for) but you do tend to be more honest about what's on your mind and going on inside you - 'cause you cant 'really' send a letter going 'Dear Y, I'm fine, yours sincerely Z' .

I admit that there's something in the anticipation of mail as well - though that may be an effect rather than a cause.


I also have to admit it depends on the pen pal (obvious but true) I have one pal I have a soft spot for but my other pals I see as just that - pals - and I couldn't put my finger on the reason - to wax lyrical for a sec:o maybe it's if you find yourself writing to someone who speaks words you hear with your soul.

F

rottn
12-18-2004, 03:26 PM
By writing, you get to know a person without everything else in the way. I don't have to worry about how i look in the morning if I want to write, don't have to worry about being pressured for sex. It's easy to really be you in your letters and phone calls before meeting, I think anyway. Once I met Kevin, I already knew him. We have a great relationship based on communication, honesty, and respect.

Keltria
12-18-2004, 04:08 PM
My man said to me and i quote "This is better than being with each other first off - the sex does not cloud your judgement of who you are falling in love with and you get to love the real person and not just get to love the sex". Love happens, whenever, wherever and whyever it does, no matter how. Do i intend living with him..... hell yeah!!!

jeffsprincess
12-18-2004, 04:20 PM
Im sure you can, it has happened, but it has never happened to me. I believe you can fall inlove with the idea of who they are, but until your face to face and can see someones facial expressions, I dont think you know them for real. You have to get to know the whole package. It is so easy to fall inlove through love letters, but you have to remember, anyone can write something on paper, its when you come face to face is when you know the real deal. Just my 2 cents

mrsdragoness
12-18-2004, 05:25 PM
Like everyone else says, you get to know who they are inside that way. By not being able to see, touch, or feel him I was able to get to know WHO he was before the physical attraction got in the way of me discovering his true self.

Once I met him it only cemented the feelings of love that I had for him.

And I think that even though many of us can tell you HOW we could fall in love with someone we had never actually met face to face its only of those things that If you have never experienced it, you won't be able understand it!

mrsd

Detroit Star
12-18-2004, 07:09 PM
Ok i know it has nothing to do with pen pals, but my mother is engaded to her bf who she started to talk to over the phone. It was about 2months till they met eachother in person. So love is instant sometimes. Kelly

Dixie_sweetie
12-18-2004, 07:54 PM
Someone said that you don't know someone until you met them because anyone can write something down. Well I for one think that is BULL!!! I was with Mike for 2 years before he went to prison, and let me tell you he lied and pulled more crap, I think you can fool someone just as easliy by seeing them than you can through letters. I mean I saw this man almost everyday for 2 years and now I know that i never really "knew" him at all. And yes they can make up stuff over the phone or in letters but ANYONE can make up stuff face to face as well!!!!
And I bellive like someone else said "that the sex don't cloud your judement"
That is so true, I mean in letters you don't have the sexual tension, or worrying how you look that day, The first impersion that person gets is what you say. So you get to know the inside first which is how it really should be. But in this mixed up world everyone thinks that the looks or sex is what matters and that is what you are judged by first off is your looks. And socitey made us that way. They put it in your head that when look at someone you know you love them, or that you HAVE to have sex to have a realtionship. And no of that is ture.
I for one have a softspot for my pen pal. I have since the first letter he wrote. Because of the way he writes, and how much he always tells me he appericates the letters I send him and how thankful he is for my friendship.
This is just my 2 cents.
God bless you all

Enjay
12-18-2004, 08:51 PM
I started writing Sonny when I was living with my boyfriend at the time. Sonny was an acquaintence of my boyfriends that he ran into County jail. They talked about our relationship like guys will. Well, Sonny used to try to help me with my relationship which was really on the rocks. :( He was very sweet and a good friend. Never tried butting in, always waited to be asked for his opinion. When my BF and I broke up, then our letters started changing. We were already good friends and then it changed. He asked me to marry him before we even met and I said yes. We have been married 2 years Jan 25th! We are closer then anyone I have ever been with. I was married for 13 years and my husband and I NEVER talked. :eek: REALLY talked. The BF I was with when Sonny and I started writing? We lived together 5 years and weren't as close as Sonny and I are. You do get to know the PERSON and not just fall in love with their looks or a physical attraction. When I first met him, I thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever met! Had never even seen a pic of him. I still think the same way!! Love does that! I have 22 pen pals and I have become good friends with quite a few. But none are like Sonny. It was different with him from the very beginning! :D

Justice4Alexa
12-18-2004, 09:15 PM
I met Nick b4 he went to jail but I have to say you all have alot of valid points I think that I can slightly relate too. I know that although Nick and I could talk hours on end when he was free, I have to say that I learned more about who he is since he has went in. I think this time has really layed a strong foundation for whats in the future for us, we can tell each other anything. Really if you cant have sex, all that you can truly work on is your friendship and compaionship which are the key funtamentals of any relationship. This time requires alot of listening which I think couples stop doing for each other. When you read the letters you are listening, you can not cut them off you have to hear what they are saying and I think it definately teached you patience bc when you have a question about something said in a letter you have to either remember to ask on the phone or wait until his response to your letter comes back. I think that if Nick didnt go to jail we could have both taken for granted so much of what we had then.

I do have a question if you would pls dont take offense. But do all of you know exactly why your men are in, have you read their case, know their family etc. I know that I feel it would have been difficult to stand by Nick if I hadnt gone to the trial and studied his case inside out, like I said Feel, bc i am unsure since my situation is different. And thank you all for sharing your opinion, it was very intriguing. Love ya Angie

Valerie
12-18-2004, 09:45 PM
I've enjoyed reading your input ladies!!! I rarely wander into this forum but the topic caught my eye. I have always been a bit curious as to how this type of relationship comes about. Its never happened to me so I have no idea. After being on PTO for a few years,I see that it is more common.I can't really say that I do understand fully but I can see how it would happen.Thank you for the life lesson.

Enjay
12-18-2004, 10:23 PM
As far as knowing his case, when you marry a con inside part of the marriage packet is them asking if you know his case and how long he has to serve. But before I even got that far he sent me his whole record from when he was a teen till now!! About 3 inches thick!! :eek: But I was new to this stuff and even after reading it I didn't understand all of it. So I asked him questions. He was more then willing to answer. He blames no one but himself. Then I met all his family!! :eek: :blah: They are just down right bad people. They all stole from me, they are all addicts, and they are not allowed in my house! :angry: But I am glad I met them because it helped me know why Sonny is where he's at and has been and done the things he has. I'm still learning about him and love him more because he is trying to rise above his past. :)

BayCityBabe
12-18-2004, 10:31 PM
It ca and does happen.As someone else was saying you dont have the body language and have to be clear , precise and to the pint so there arent' any misunderstandings or miscommunications.And you get to know them before sex comes into play and plays a major factor:D

PTO56489
12-18-2004, 11:29 PM
Parts of me wonder why this question is being posed...to stir the pot a bit I presume? I have seen many posts which make a distinction between people who are married and those who are "merely a girlfriend" or people who knew each other before and those who met afterwards. I don't really understand why it makes a difference *shrugs* To me it creates a division and puts up a wall in the whole supportive process. Just my opinion.

That aside...I have never met my sweetie face to face...SOON (he won't let me come until he can pay for half the trip). From letters, a ton of pictures and phone calls alone...I am completely smitten....and truely love this man. I agree that letters can bring people very close...and quickly too. It brings you together on different level...the "physical" is removed...I have found that with most of my pen pals a very strong emotional/mental bond has been formed. Perhaps it is easier to let go and write about things you wouldn't normally discuss in a face to face situation (at least at the beginning of a friendship/relationship)

I recall when we were only writing letters and the feelings were strong...then we spoke on the phone...we knew it would make it or break it....it brought us even closer...the next step is a visit...which again will move us forward or backwards. I can't forsee it making us anything more than stronger.

However it is true...there are things that you can't get from letters/calls alone...like their facial expressions...how their touch makes you feel...what a kiss from them is like...or peering into their eyes...seeing them laugh...etc... FOR ME even without all these things he gives me things that no other person has been able to provide...so I am willing to take that chance...and see what happens.

I also think that when you haven't met each other you have to be very creative to be able to bring the essence of your physical self to the other person. Like...I know how big his hand is...I know what kind of shampoo he uses (the smell of his hair)...he knows what my perfume smells like...he knows what kind of clothes I wear (i send pictures when i go shopping)...he knows what my hair looks like a million different ways...etc...

I guess it's like meeting someone online...I mean how many people have you met here and you consider them your friends...without having met them in person. It's the same kind of thing...

Retired-10
12-18-2004, 11:38 PM
Excellent points, iceblue! I agree about what you said when people on here differentiate between those who knew their significant others before prison rather than meeting as penpals after the began their incarceration.

I've only written letters to my guy. He's in Texas so we're unable to talk on the phone. He'll be out soon and I'm meeting him soon after his release. I've already asked him, however, to never stop writing to me. Sure, it can change to emails or what have you but there's something he and I have in our written communication that I just don't ever want to give up. I don't need to be sitting in front of him to know his facial expressions. I know the feeling he's going to have as I'm writing his letters.

My mom & stepdad met on the internet and I really don't see that as being much different. My mom was in Illinois, my stepdad was in Ohio. They talked for two months on the phone and emails before meeting. They knew when they met it was love. They've been married for five years now. That's not too much different from what prisoners/penpals deal with.

Valerie
12-19-2004, 12:24 AM
The only people I've ever met online where right here at PTO! I feel someone can't really know me on the computer because I really can't express myself at all on here.I joined PTO because I have a son in prison and never would have thought I'd find any real friends. I'm aware that real friends are rare and I feel so fortunate to have actually found a few here. So with this being true,I guess I can see that one could find romance online.

Keltria
12-19-2004, 12:47 AM
In reply to the second question asked.... if i knew his crime - all of it - every single last detail. It was important to him that i knew, amid protests from me because I am not interested in his past, it's who he is now, who he intends being and our future together that is important to me.

qwerty
12-19-2004, 02:47 AM
hmmm... I did not think I could really "feel" how this could happen (because I have never experienced it).

Also, I once got fixed up with an acquaintance's son and we hit it off SO great in our emails! Then we finally went on a date and it was awful.:( So I've always been skeptical.....

Then I read IceBlue's post. And it's true, I feel very close to some people here on PTO and I haven't even spoken to them on the phone. So, hmmm... I guess now I believe it. :)

Silva
12-19-2004, 08:23 AM
me and Ray are a little different, we got to know each other online first, then by phone too. We used web cams sometimes, we both agreed that we didnt want to do anything intimate that way, but it allowed me to see his sons, where he was living etc. We used to talk for hours, literally, on the phone, so we already know we have almost everything except his love for Jim Carey & John Wayne films in common! I loved him from the first conversation, and he was telling me he loved me after the first week of us knowing each other.

Then he went to jail, and our relationship has taken on another dimension with the letters. The 7 or 8 hours a day we used to spend talking has transfered itself to the written word, our letters are continual.... sometimes we will both write in the middle of the night, just because we can. You dont get the instant response, but you can concentrate your thoughts and it DOES help.

Before Ray went to jail, we'd talked about me visiting in February 05 for my birthday. He wanted me to meet his folks properly. Things have changed a little now; we've decided to wait til he gets into TDCJ so that we'll have longer visits and I'll know not to book a flight to Dallas if he ends up in a prison the other side of the State. But hopefully I'll be staying with his mum while I'm there, his ex-wife has offered to drive me wherever, and I'm looking forward to seeing his boys too. All people I have never met. And I know exactly what crime he committed, but I am informed enough to know that it was truely a one-off thing and that I am in no way scared of him because of it.

Us having a future is what's kept him going recently. He has his heart set on a fruit farm with fishing lakes, and that sounds good to me too. It doesnt matter to either of us if its there in the US or here in the UK, we'll go wherever is easiest for us to be together. He is looking at quite a few years inside, so the rough plan we have at the moment is that I stay here for a couple more years, then I'll move out there so visiting will be easier, and we'll take it from there. And if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, or even when he calls me tonight, of course I'd say yes.

RegisSweetness
12-19-2004, 09:47 AM
i believe you can fall in love and love someone youve never seen. you call fall for their personality, and the way they make you feel based on what you do know about them. how long a love like that can last.....i dunno......but i truly believe that you can love someone youve never seen. theres no doubt about that.

Tears_N_Texas
12-19-2004, 02:04 PM
Yes I do. Even though my Husband and I knew one another before he went away I do belive it's possible. I have heard story after story of people who fell in love through letters and stayed in close touch over the years only to meet much later in life and stay together.

2nice
12-19-2004, 02:18 PM
It is very easy to fall in love with a man that you have never met before... through letters. I think that it is because sometimes you talk even more than you would talk if you were face to face. Jerry knows me inside out... more than i know myself! It was a while before i actually saw him face to face. Seeing the love in hs eyes and himseeing the love in my eyes is the best feeling in the whole wide world (put aside the love). We plan on living together once he gets home, if all goes wel with our plans. We're actually going to get married, ASAP! It all feels absolutely right. Ive never wanted to get married before now.

MrsPhil
12-19-2004, 02:45 PM
My man said to me and i quote "This is better than being with each other first off - the sex does not cloud your judgement of who you are falling in love with and you get to love the real person and not just get to love the sex". Love happens, whenever, wherever and whyever it does, no matter how. Do i intend living with him..... hell yeah!!!
I absolutly agree! We have been together four years and I met him after he wasin so obviously we haven't had sex. And I think that our love is so much stronger because it was sbuilt on friendship first. The sex will come and when it does it will be a bonus to everything else we already have.

Shiningstaar
12-19-2004, 03:22 PM
this situation doesn't apply to me since i've known my guy for 14yrs, but i'll contribute my 2 cents:

i tend to agree w/ Jeffsprincess, it's really easy to write anything or portray yourself to be something you're not in letters. how do you know that you're falling for who the person REALLY is. seeing someone face to face it's alot easier to recognize the BS.

i met my guy 14 yrs ago, but in 2001 (prior to him getting locked up) we had a big blowout and stopped speaking. a year ago i tracked him down and started writing him. we've been writing now for a little over a year and i felt myself falling for him again. BUT, i needed to know for sure. so i drove 18hrs from chicago to texas so that i could look him in his eyes and know for sure that he wasn't playing games. that the changes in him were REAL and not BS. I knew i could tell right off the back by seeing him.

the point being sometimes the face to face interaction has nothing to do with sexual attraction but more to do with the subtle body language we all throw out. i'm pretty good at knowing when i'm being lied to and through a letter you can't tell, but looking into someone's eyes you can. they call the eyes the "window to the soul" for a reason..

just my 2 cents....

amyhouston2
12-20-2004, 07:45 AM
hello
:D my name is amy and i am the one who posted this thread. there seems to ba a few people who are taking this offensive, and truly it is not an offensive thread. we are all here to say our opinions and to hear others opinions and all this was, was just another thread to get others responses. i come to this site everyday and i have noticed alot of ladies that are in love with people that have never seen and i just wanted every ones opinion:p

sickofprisons
12-20-2004, 08:16 AM
Not to be facetious, but blind people never see anybody and still manage to fall in love! I think what you are referring to is actually spending time with a person rather than knowing them from a distance. I think it's certainly possible to fall in love that way; there is the same pitfall either way. If they are being honest and letting you see their true self, it's fine. If they are covering up or inventing a persona they think you will prefer, it will fall apart.That holds true whether you meet them in person or in prison.

LovingSoul4u2
12-20-2004, 08:24 AM
I think it's easier to get closer by letter because you tend to cut through the 'social niceties' a lot - it's a one on one conversation - and because you've 'lost' the cues like bodylanguage, voice tone, eye contact that we communicate with without realising, you have to say what you mean so the other person gets the message - if you try to beat around the bush then you tend to get crossed wires.

It's hard to write a letter about 'nothing' the way you can have a conversation with someone but at the end of the day though you've talked it's been 'surface' stuff. And because as well if you are talking to a pen pal - if you start saying 'Oh I saw X last night' - then you end up having to explain who X is and how long you knew them etc......

I have a pal who told me he'd been writing to me and someone else he'd met via a pen - pal site, but he felt by sharing his thaughts with both of us he was 'cheating' - so he stopped writing to the other pen pal he had (which isn't something I'd asked him for) but you do tend to be more honest about what's on your mind and going on inside you - 'cause you cant 'really' send a letter going 'Dear Y, I'm fine, yours sincerely Z' .

I admit that there's something in the anticipation of mail as well - though that may be an effect rather than a cause.


I also have to admit it depends on the pen pal (obvious but true) I have one pal I have a soft spot for but my other pals I see as just that - pals - and I couldn't put my finger on the reason - to wax lyrical for a sec:o maybe it's if you find yourself writing to someone who speaks words you hear with your soul.

F

Ditto! You stated that well Francesca. I (officially) met my husband in prison. Through his letters, phone calls, and visits I got to know the REAL him. But that was due mainly through his letters. All the body language, etc. was taken away and I got to know and love the real person and we heard each other through our souls. Now we are ONE SOUL!

"For as low as you go, ask God to take you that high."

Woody's Girl
12-20-2004, 09:03 AM
I don't know about falling in love with someone I have never actually seen before, but maybe it is possible, because I met a guy 1 night, and I gave him my number, the guy had no pen and paper, but he asked for my number, he stated that he lives in Minnesota, and that he was leaving at 7 AM in the morning, so I was like yeah what ever, and the next day, I had a call from a 763 number - it was the guy from the club the night before, with no paper or pen, he had remembered my number, anyways to make a long story short. Through telephone conversations only (after I had seen him one time) I knew I wanted to be with this man. He came to Houston about 1 1/2 months after, for a week, then again another 2 months later for 2 weeks, then 1 1/2 later for 2 more weeks and LOVE wasn't even the word. This relationship was so intense, because it was more mental than physical and I actually enjoy it that way. So, I guess the answer is YES, in a sense, because you are falling in love with the persons mind; but I hope once you finally do meet the person, it's okay, and not disappointing, to find out you are actually in love with HellBoy, or Shrek .
Kesha

MiaBellaAngela
12-20-2004, 09:27 AM
To answer the question in general (not specific to your situation): I think we can love someone we never met but I do not think we can be in love with someone we never met. We can love them from a humanitarian viewpoint. However, if you feel in love and you never met, cances are you are in love with the way YOU feel, not the other person. IMHO.

4MyBabyBoy
12-20-2004, 09:56 AM
My relationship with my man started similar to Enjay's. It is amazing how God works...and yes, it is so possible to fall in love and find your "Mr. Right" without seeing him face to face at first. Definitely.

sharonno1
12-20-2004, 10:21 AM
yes u can it starts off with friendship and builds from there through letters we have developed a bond i have never had before or ever drempt of having what we have is strong we have never met been writing now for 4 years he is on dr sq hoping to meet next year

4MyBabyBoy
12-20-2004, 10:38 AM
To answer the question in general (not specific to your situation): I think we can love someone we never met but I do not think we can be in love with someone we never met. We can love them from a humanitarian viewpoint. However, if you feel in love and you never met, cances are you are in love with the way YOU feel, not the other person. IMHO.

Mia, there are plenty who would argue your statement. I'm sure we all know what we, OURSELVES, feel and whether or not its real love and we're in love. Or else, how could these strongs relationships and strong marriages work???
I guess it's one of those things you just have to live to understand. ;)

Patty
12-20-2004, 10:52 AM
As most know Sebastian misdialed a family members number from county jail and got me... literally! We talked on the phone and wrote letters and fell in love before we were ever in the same room together. When I saw him walking towards me across a crowded visiting room I knew that my heart had led me in the right direction. "There's MY man," I thought. He felt the same. Sebastian came home to me in September of this year. We are very much in love and look forward to a happy future together so yes it can happen it is happening.

All the best,
Patty

MiaBellaAngela
12-20-2004, 10:55 AM
Mia, there are plenty who would argue your statement. I'm sure we all know what we, OURSELVES, feel and whether or not its real love and we're in love. Or else, how could these strongs relationships and strong marriages work???
I guess it's one of those things you just have to live to understand. ;)That is okay. It is just my opinion and others can have their opinion. I agree to disagree.;)

sweetestsin7
12-20-2004, 10:55 AM
No offense taken....I fell in love with my baby. And he isn't going to live with me right away, we're going to be together, but like any relationship, we're going to make sure we're really going ot work out before we step up to a big move in! :D Yes, I do love him though and I always will. It's a lot easier that people think to fall in love with someone you've never "met".

swtthang
12-20-2004, 03:39 PM
yes, it's a spiritual thing. :)

MissOne
01-06-2005, 04:59 PM
... This relationship was so intense, because it was more mental than physical and I actually enjoy it that way. So, I guess the answer is YES, in a sense, because you are falling in love with the persons mind; but I hope once you finally do meet the person, it's okay, and not disappointing, to find out you are actually in love with HellBoy, or Shrek .
Kesha

I cracked up when i read this. You crazy.

NEway, to answer the post. I fell in love in a matter of months to a man i had not seen. HOW? I loved the words and thoughts he wrote on paper. SIMPLE.

TC'sGirl
01-06-2005, 05:04 PM
Yes you can. It's hard as hell but you can fall in love with someone you have never met in person.

magical_lady76
01-06-2005, 05:40 PM
Ok I'm going to give my opinion here too. I think it is definitely possible to fall in love without meeting first because most married people don't have to work nearly as hard at making a relationship work. Yes they can write things to lure you in but they can also speak the same words standing next to you. In letters you are forced to share personal things about yourself because that's the only way for you to learn about each other. Now I'll be the first to admit Cons (no offense) are some of the most charming, silver tongued men in the world because they have to be but I believe there are some that are sincere. You don't know in the real world if you are getting a guy who is telling you the truth or feeding you some line but we all have to take chances. I do believe just like the ones you meet face to face there are some good and some bad. I think face to face relationships are all too often mistaken for love when it is merely lust so therefore letters only rules that one out.