Well PTO, as I sit here I start thinking of reality and how much it hurts:( ....I love my Jimbo with all my heart and I would and have done everything for him, including putting him in state jail over being wanted. That was the only solution I had to his drinking getting out of control. He tells me now that he would have and could have stopped at any time, even though he is an alcoholic..
He was only hostile once with me and threw a clay flower pot inside the house from outside:eek: , and he never lost any patience after that.
After he's been locked up for what will be 18mths. on Jan. 7th, 2006, I am hoping that he will not go back to drinking, but I guess he might, he did it after being locked up for 7 mths. He tells me that he has quit for good in one letter, and then he says he'll slow down in another. He has Hepatitus C, which affects your liver and alcohol only makes it worse. I don't want him to fall back into that habit, although I don't own him either and I am not his mother and since he is over 21 I can't control him either.:D I love this man and the feeling is mutual, but before he would start drinking and fall asleep early, and then he got to the point of being at the store to buy beer as soon as they opened their doors. My kids love this man as their dad and he is not related to any of them, but he loves them.
I want him to quit drinking, and I told him that I would attend AA with him to support him and we could get past this. He went and started drinking fruit juice and such when he wanted a beer and that went good for a while and then gradually went back to drinking all day. I have been with an alcoholic before and it turned violent when he would black out from drinking and I don't want to put my kids through that much less myself.
Shouldn't 18 mths. without alcohol cure you, or am I just assuming that that is all there is to quiting.
Help me understand why someone would want to go back to that when they could go on and stay sober.????????????
I am not an alcoholic, so I don't know first hand of how hard it is to quit. I see and hear about people that have stayed sober for years, but I guess that has to do with support and strength, will power.

Pauline

Hi Pauline,

I am a recovering drug addict. I have been clean for a while and I would like to share with you what I've come to know on my journey in recovery.

Addiction is a disease. It is a disease of the body (the physical addiction), the mind (the obsession/compuslion to use chemicals) and the spirit (a lack of relationship with a Higher Power or God). Nobody ever chose to be an addict and I've never met an addict (and I've met thousands of them) who wanted to be one. However, being an addict doesn't excuse me from taking responsibility for my actions and my recovery.

Addiction is an incurable and fatal disease. It can, however, be arrested. For years I tried to stop by sheer will power. I tried to "slow down" and "cut back" only to call myself a failure at the end of the day. You see, my drug of choice was "more" and I wanted more and more and more until more almost killed me. I had been in and out of rehabs and even jails a few times. I had quit for brief periods of time only to pick the drugs right back up.

What helped me was a 12 step program called Narcotics Anonymous. There's a sister fellowship for Alcoholics called Alcoholics Anonymous. These are support groups for those of us that are addicts and alcoholics. They've saved countless lives and they've been the only thing that's ever worked for me.

Alcoholics Anonymous also has a lot of literature available - for free - for those in prisons and jails. It's called something along the lines of "Behind the Walls." It's good stuff and it's available.

AA also has a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics called Al-Anon. You see, every addict/alcoholic has enablers in their life. These are people who make excuses for them, who give them money, sympathy, or who shoulders the blame for their drinking. Al-Anon helps those enablers to learn how to be in a healthy relationship with a recovering alcoholic or how to get out of the relationship with a drinking one.

I am one drug away from where I was the last day I used. I am one drug away from jails, instutions, or death. I am one drug away from hurting the people who love me the most. You see, for me, there is no cutting back and not slacking off. If I use then I die - in more ways than one - and I take the people I love the most with me.

I don't know if any of this has helped you, but by golly it sure helped me. It reminded me of where I've come from and where I want to go. You see, not too awfully long ago, I was your Jimbo. I was trying to reason my way into using dope again. I was trying to convince myself that it would be different next time. I was right. The last relapse damn near killed me - it was sure different. It was a hell of a lot worse.

I, too, have Hep C and it comes from doing dope. I was a needle junkie wasn't careful. I only have one liver and I try to protect it from any outside toxins that might shorten my life. Alcohol is the worst thing I could possibly do for my liver.

Just remind Jimbo that his best thinking landed him in jail. His good intentions got him where he is.

He's fortunate to have you by his side! Best wishes to the both of you! ;)

Jimbo's Lady!!!
i feel for you..

oh, my goodness....Danielle broke it down for you, me, everyone perfectly!!!!!!

i am a recovering addict as well...and, also on the other side...mine can't stay clean, and his binges are so bad, he hallucinates and makes violent threats...

i myself was clean for 8 years, slipped for 3 weeks, that was 2 years ago....
and, my slip, scared the heck out of me...i didn't want to go down again....thank G-d..i stopped, left the area i was in for a month, told my family...
i didn't use a lot on my slip...but, it was really only by the grace of G-d...that i didn't go on a bad binge..and, could stop...
i am telling you this..so you understand your man...

there is no cure, but a daily reprieve....
one is to many and more is never enough....that is the nature of the beast=addiction be it to drugs or liquid drugs=alcohol...

you can pm me anytime
al-anon would be awesome for you!!!!
francis

The only way an addict/alcoholic can stay sober is to not drink. You offering to go to meetings with them as support, while a very nice and kind gesture, won't keep them sober.

Alcoholism is not curable. Once you have it, you will always have it. YOu can't get rid of it like a rash with ointment. There is no cure. You can arrest it but if you drink again, it can and will come back.

If I could help you to understand the addict mind and why even with negative consequences we choose to use, I would be a bazillionair! I'll tell you why "I" do it. Because I get the f-it's, I think I "deserve" it, I want to have "fun" or I do it for no reason other than to just do it.....there's no rule when I get the obsession to use. NO RULE...that's pretty scary.

Alanon's a great ssupport group as well !

Al-Anon helps those enablers to learn how to be in a healthy relationship with a recovering alcoholic or how to get out of the relationship with a drinking one.
I"ve been to alanon and I don't ever recall them telling anyone to get out of a relationship. Rather, they teach love by detachment basically...Love the Person...detach from the Alcoholic. The Alcoholic can drink and ruin THEIR life and alanon takes the focus OFF the alcoholic and recenters it onto the family member who's seeking support in Alanon. So if you go to Alanon and the Alcoholic in your life is still drinking, don't think you have to leave them. I just kind of wanted to clarify that.!

Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! You can be a recovering alcoholic or an alcoholic. I would suggest you go to Alanon now and learn helpful things from them.
There is so much more to it than not drinking again.

ONE

Hi Pauline,

Been there. I used to get so angry at him and demand to know why he just couldn't quit. He could never answer that until he joined AA, and even now there really is no answer. I agree with Pooh, Al Anon will help you learn to detatch from Jimbo's disease, it's not yours it's his, so don't own it or let it own you. You can encourage him to go to AA, ask him to read the Big Book, leave AA fliers around, but until he is ready there is nothing you can do. I am here if you need to talk, only a pm away.

He must have some interventions.
My uncle passed away at the age of 56. Pretty young I thought until I went over his lifestyle. He had been a heavy man all his life and drank continuously. He smoked like a chimney, and when diagnosed with congestive heart failure and diabetes he refused to quit. We never understood why. Why was his lifestyle more important than his life with us and his family. I still don't get it. He lived like he was invincible.

Danielle kinda of sumed it up in a nut shell. Pauline you know that I am a recovering alcholic and addict. Anytime you want to talk about call me. Just know that you can not control it. Jimbo has got to want to quit. There are no guarantees when he gets home. But I would definitely go to Alnon while he is in there, that is what will help you. Is he having to take any drug and alcohol abuse programs while he is in prison?
My prayers and thoughts are with you. Just know that I love you like a sister girl. and that I am here if you need me.
Friend for Life
Jeanne

jimbosgirl..
how are you doing???!
i hope this info help, it is all right on..

the crziest thing about an addict/alcoholic...many times we want to stop we know it is a miserable life...but, we choose to get loaded again, instead of going to a 12-step meeting for help..

many addicts/alchoholics are self-medicating ie: depression, bi-polar..
also, we have to grow up take responsibility, learn to live life on life's terms...that is why 12-step is so helpful..getting a sponser..to work the steps...
getting honest, open and willing..
getting grateful..when we feel life has done us wrong...
falling to our knees and begging (which we don't need to) but, sometimes that is how it feels..to our higher power..HELP ME!!!

addiction is cunning, baffelling, and powerful...
but, there is hope!!!
by you going to al-anon you will be empowering yourself know matter what your man ends up doing..
al-anon is really helpful for all..

alcoholics anonymous, and narcotics anonymous have saved many lives...there is much support and one addict/alcoholic help another is powerful!!

i am praying for you both!!!!
in the big book of alcoholics anonymous there is a very quoted line..pg 449

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in G-d's world by mistake.

....unless i could accept life on life's terms, I can not be happy."

Really, helpful for all!!!!

much peace and love to all of you and yours!!!
i am pm away
francis

All good advice, and from people who care what happens to you, and your loved ones.

I can relate to what Francis said...It is self medication! Whether it is drugs, legal or illegal, or alcohol, the person is not able (for a variety of reasons) to face something in their life.

I have worked with many addicts (mostly drugs) but the underlying cause is the same...escape!

Just want you to know I am praying for you and Jimbo...but I hope you will listen to all these caring members who have your best interest at heart. Stay strong!

I get on here tonight and OMG the responses alone have blown me away. I have really never thought of the things the way it has been presented to me through all of you caring people who have either been through or going through or with someone with the same problems.
I will definitely look into joining Al-Anon, after the first of the year. I definitely want to give him some support and now I understand the definition of TOUGH LOVE!
I would hate to live without him, but I can because I will have done it for 18 mths.
I understand that he has to make the first step, and it is something he has to do.
What do I do if he stops for a while and then falls, do I stick by him, or move on, after giving him an ultimatum?
Ok I guess that is the purpose of Al-Anon and to learn more about his problem.
What if he just does not want to help himself? Am I just fighting a losing problem?
He went to drug rehab, but he hasn't used drugs in at least 6 yrs, and he is not on any medication. The drug rehab was part of his probation which is where he was at for about 2 wks, and then he walked out and violented probation. That is the reason he is in state jail. He is a quiet drinker and usually does not bother anyone, he justs sits quietly and drinks. He supports his own habit. I don't talk to him when he drinks alot due to the fact, that he just irritates me with slurring speech, falling asleep and spilling the beer on my carpet or in my recliner.

I accepted him as a drinker and I feel guilty for wanting to change him into my perfect mate.

I do want to thank all of you for the advice and the tears your responses brought!!!!!!!

Thanks yall

Pauline
I

hey Pauline!!!

you wrote: "I don't talk to him when he drinks alot due to the fact, that he just irritates me with slurring speech, falling asleep and spilling the beer on my carpet or in my recliner. "

that doesn't sound much fun to me...
you have nothing to feel guilty about...wanting a good satisfying relationship is healthy...
you deserve to enjoy your life and relationship...

i hope jimbo chooses sobriety..

yes, at al-anon is where you would share about your situation, your concerns...believe you me, you will receive plenty of thoughts, guidance etc.=}

his recovery is his responsibilitty...

i perrsonally, would not stay with a using addict or alcoholic..it is lonely, boring, irritating, unsatisfying,.....

not much love, nurturing, going out, enjoying a movie etc.

much peace to you both
remember anytime you can pm me
francis

Thank you for this thread/post. It could not come at a better time, kind of a "REMINDER" for myself.. i too being sober/clean for 11 years.. NO ONE or NOTHING could come between me and my drugs of choice.. (more) is a great way of putting it danielle.. and i too struggle with loved ones who have not been able to grab the gift of sobriety and hold on for dear life...... sometimes i have to be reminded of this.. as i have found out , not eveyone "gets this"... IT is sooo hard dealing with an active.. does not mean we can not love em... but dam it is a very emotional and painful.. ride

THANKS FOR SHARING ..

Donna
merry christmas and a happy healthy new year

Pauline I totaly understand what your saying. My man has been down 3 times and this time he got a drug charge. I was ready to let go cause he would not say that he had a problem and that he would use again when he came home. I have 3 kids and I have been though so much with their father that i will not go though anything like that again, the sleepless nights and broke noses all of the things that come with being with some one that has no controll over anything. I wrote a break up letter and now he is saying that he knows that he can't come out thinking that he can drink again, I'm scared to death of what is going to happen when he gets to come home ( not for a year or more.) I know that I have to change myself cause I feel the need to SAVE him even though I know that I can't SAVE someone else. It is such a hard thing cause this never leaves them. They have to learn to live a different life. Changing Friends and places they go. I'm going to try to stay with him but he has to show with his actions that he wants to do this for himself not for me or anyone else. If you ever need to talk PM me cause I really know what you are feeling!!!!!

Amy

Pauline I totaly understand what your saying. My man has been down 3 times and this time he got a drug charge. I was ready to let go cause he would not say that he had a problem and that he would use again when he came home. I have 3 kids and I have been though so much with their father that i will not go though anything like that again, the sleepless nights and broke noses all of the things that come with being with some one that has no controll over anything. I wrote a break up letter and now he is saying that he knows that he can't come out thinking that he can drink again, I'm scared to death of what is going to happen when he gets to come home ( not for a year or more.) I know that I have to change myself cause I feel the need to SAVE him even though I know that I can't SAVE someone else. It is such a hard thing cause this never leaves them. They have to learn to live a different life. Changing Friends and places they go. I'm going to try to stay with him but he has to show with his actions that he wants to do this for himself not for me or anyone else. If you ever need to talk PM me cause I really know what you are feeling!!!!!

Amy

I would and have offered him the world. He had it made being a stay at home mom/dad because I go nuts if I am not working. I have learned to be more independent now that he is gone for now. I have had alot of time to just sit and think and cry and try to figure out who I am and why I am the person I have become... I guess you could say I have been doing alot of soul searching. Since he has been locked up my stress level has went to nearly zero except when dealing with TDCJ. I have 3 kids and they deserve more than I could ever offer them. My oldest has been through several bad relationships with me and I don't him to grow up going through what I have been through. I don't mind him casually drinking because I drink every now and then and I have been known to get a little wasted but only when the kids are asleep. I love him more than anything, but the way he was when he would drink is more than I want to deal with in my life. I want to stay hoping he can overcome his addiction to alcohol, but on the other hand, I don't want to waste my life and grow old with an alcoholic.

He wants to quit in one letter and slow down in another. I don't know where I should stand. I have stood beside behind and in front of him for the past 3 yrs. and I am tired emotionally from it.
He is a wonderful person sober and he is aware of being an alocoholic. He is 43 yrs. old and I am 31. We have known each other for 8 yrs. He used to do heavy drugs and was addicted and he is a recovering drug addict and even refused pain killers when he cut his arm here at home from a broken window and refused meds for a dislocated shoulder. He has been drinking since his teens and drugs at that time also. His mom was a alcoholic and she died at a early age. I am not putting the blame on his problem on them because he can change his life since it is his choice.
I will give him a chance or two to get his problem under control but after that I am moving on because I deserve better, but this time there will be no other man..........TO MANY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!! I am going to stay single and raise my kids the best I can alone and be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I feel as if he is trying I will work with him.

Thanks

Pauline

There is not much I can add to what others have said....Good advice.

My parents were alcoholics and all the men in my life (well, except one) have been alcoholics. I now know that it is because I know what to expect. I know life is miserable with an alcoholic, but at least I knew what to expect!! Wierd thinking, but that's how it's been. I was married for 13 years to one. A very quiet drunk. Would buy a 24 oz on the way home from work and keep drinking tell he passed out. Got up and worked every day, a functioning drunk. No one else saw a problem with it. He never comunicated, just hid in his drink. Didn't believe he was an alcoholic because he "only drinks beer." We could never go anywhere where he could not drink. So he never went to our sons school events, never went to a movie (except a drive in with a cooler of beer!). It got second nature to plan things around his drinking. He always had a beer in his hand!! He always drank and drove and scared me to death. I expected a call from the police that he was dead or in jail. Then we got a divorce and I lived 5 years with another alcoholic! Who I loved to death but couldn't help. He kept telling me I could help him quit and I kept telling him I couldn't, he needed professional help. He was way out of control. Spent 4 months in County for DUI and came out and got so drunk the same day that he fell out of the cab and our iguana tore him up!! He would get violent, punch walls, throw bricks at the car and house, stuff like that. I asked him to move into a trailer we had and get his s#@* together. He walked out the door and didn't come back for over 2 years!! He would do really well, not drink for a few months and then would be right back at it. He would hate himself for drinking again which made him drink more. I see it sorta like a diet. We stay on it for a while and then we go off and feel bad cause we do and so eat more out of frustration and self dislike/hate, guilt. Even if they want to quit, and fall off the wagon, just that can set them up for a long bout of putting themselves down. Trying to drink themselves into not caring. I would always say "If he would only stop drinking our life would be great." But, in reality, that's not true. There is no telling what the future holds. They can be sober for years and then fall. It's a hard life. Oh, and that BF who left? He showed up a couple years later, wanted to get back together, but nothing had changed, he was still drinking and said he would "cut back." His leaving me had sent me into bankruptcy (he left me with all the bills!), my new car was repo'ed, and I went through h#@* with worry about him and financial problems. I survived, but I don't ever want to depend on anyone again. Sorry this is so long.

hello everyone i have not posted for a very long time. my now ex got out of prison oct 2003. he was in for about 9 months for the third time. i went to calif picked him up and we lived together until june of this yr. I will say i did not know the extent of his drinking becuz i had only known him about three months before he went in. when he first got out he got a job right away didnt drink or use, and in june he announced he was moving needed to find himself. I truly believed thru our letters and what he told me he was ready for a change. i invested a considerable amount of money into this man and i foolishly thought i could help him. within one month of him moving out he was fired, drinking again using pills and had a so called affair with his daughters best friend. he was on a very loose parole and was rarely tested. he was even in a drug diversion class for 90 days and managed to get thru it. everytime he has made contact with me mainly thru the phone he was very drunk, he would constantly after moving out call me asking if i was with someone showing up unannounced totally out of control. it was very hard to see someone who had been doing very well go down so quickly. i just cant handle it and i will say that i knew from the beginning he had a problem and i did not listen to my inner voice. he has to want to be sober more than anything in this world number one priority. i can not compete with jose cuervo and budlight and that is his love. i came out of this alot wiser but was devastated, but i learned a valuable lesson that what you see is what you get. there is nothing in this world that will change someone unless it truly comes from inside and he just doesnt want to be sober at the present time. this man is 40 yrs old and has been in and out the system since the eighties. i hope things work out for you but i cant stand by and watch a person destroy themself. i deserve so much better. he will be off parole next month and i have no idea what is happening with him. take care of yourself first and if he wants to maintan sobriety he will find a way.

carol

What part of Hep C does he not understand? You won't have to worry about his drinking for very long - he'll be dead within two years if he keeps drinking. Prison stopped mine and now he tells me that when he looks back, its like a dream or a fog he was in. He tells me he could hear me talking trying to reason with him but it was like I was in some kind of vacuum and not really there. He can't believe he has thrown away these past five years when he doesn't have that many left anyway - regardless. That does not mean I don't worry that he might drink again when he comes out - I do - but I will not watch him kill himself this time. He had a huge case of the "why me's" knowing that others drank far more than he. He also thought that he could have just one - like on a birthday or Christmas or something - NOT. He once suggested during a very hot visit that an ice cold beer sure would taste good. I left. He's talking a good story now and I hope he believes it himself. He was not a violent drinker or a blackout drunk, he was a functioning alcoholic. I think now that he is a stage 1-2 Hep victim and knows that even ideal conditions will give him a max of only ten years he might be paying attention. What a price to pay though for all of us.

Pauline -- alcholics aren't cured. They can go into a remission but they are never cured of their addiction. I have lived with it all my life -- my father, my abusive ex-husband and my youngest son. He has to want to quit or he won't. Michael, my son is now clean and sober 13 1/2 months -- one long day at a time -- but HE did it for himself -- no one else. You can't save him, you can't make him quit -- you can love him but you don't have to like what he does -- that is what I told Mike when I threw him out -- I love you but I can't tolerate what you are doing! Jim has to hit absolute rock bottom before he is going to change or else have some life altering experience involving the alcohol. I feel for you girl -- your plate is really full -- you have my numbers -- call anytime -- you know I care.

Val

Pauline -- alcholics aren't cured. Jim has to hit absolute rock bottom before he is going to change or else have some life altering experience involving the alcohol. Val
And this is where I'm apprehensive. I've heard that the addict does not stop until they hit rock bottom. I'm apprehensive because there is no rock bottom for my husband. He said being in prison and being away from his wife (me) is rock bottom, yet this is his 4th bid since we married so I can't buy it that prison is his rock bottom. He's lived in the streets because when he's active he can't live home. So sleeping on the street, on a step, in a corner where many people don't pass -- anywhere -- that's hasn't been his rock bottom. Is quitting "because you want to" enuf, or must he hit rock bottom. He feels if something doesn't kill you then it's not that bad which leads me to believe that his rock bottom is death. He's another one of those who feels he's invinsible. He didnt' want to become an addict like someone said as no one does. HOWEVER, he grew up in the hood so hood police were scared to go to his neighborhood. He saw the addicts walkin around lookin like spaced zombies and then has the nerve to tell someone "let me try some of that". The person told him "you don't want none of this", but he wanted it so the person gave it to him (20 somethin years ago). He never imagined that the drug would effect him the same way that it effected EVERY SINGLE OTHER ADDICT who chose that particular drug. Can you really quit without hitting rock bottom. He strikes me as the one who will be the last person to smoke the last rock when the day comes that there is no such thing as crack. I want to leave b/c I don't want to do the next three years of phone bills and the full works, only for everything to get smoked up 3 months after his released and then washed down with a "I'm sorry". Of course no one can tell me what to do, but if someone wants to PM me and tell me, I'm a big girl, I can take it. Also, because I'm very real, I am not offended at all if someone were to say that either of us were stupid.

Alcohol is the only reason my man is in prison. From the time he graduated till now he's fought with alcohol. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was not so good. I keep believing that he will kick it someday. He's been sober for 3 months now, for sure. Jail does that to you, you know? He's got still 6 more months until he's out. If he goes back to drinking there will be no help for him. He is going to loose his family. He's been to AA, he's been to classes, he knows more about alcohol than anyone I know. If he doesn't get the message this time, he never will. Please pray he gets and keeps the message.

There is lots of good information and experience in this thread (IMHO).

I have been sober for a while and I'll share that, if I'm drinking, alcohol is my king, my god, my higher power. Nothing else can compete with it. I am a total slave to it. Yeah, I kept a job and a house, but my soul was owned by booze. You can't fix me or be more attractive than booze. My thinking gets very obsessive even though I won't tell you about it. I lie to protect my drinking. I hide to protect my drinking. It is more important than life itself.

I had gotten sober for a couple years in the '80's, but when I picked up a drink again, I hadn't returned to being a 'normal' drinker. Actually, I was never a normal drinker! It took a few more years until I was honest enough and ready to get sober. I always told myself I could quit again if I wanted to but that just wasn't true. It is the first drink, like the engine of the train, that runs over me. If I put one in me, it is very likely that I'll have 20 more.

In the end, I had to be convinced that picking up a drink was a my NUMBER ONE problem. I was dangerous, sad, worthless and defeated. Not because someone else told me that--it was the truth about me and I was convinced. It was only then that the beast of alcoholism began to let go of me.

Hugs.

Hey there, girl - the reality is that each addict has his own "rock bottom"; no one is like another. One friend of mine hit bottom when his wife shut him in the bedroom with a bottle and said "Don't you dare come out and ruin your daughter's birthday party!" My brother hit bottom at my house, for no greater reason than that I said to him that I loved him, but I didn't like his drinking in my house. Who knows!? Whatever you do, don't make the mistake of counting prison time as sober time. The fact that they can't be drunk or stoned in there doesn't make them sober. The day they come out into the real world, the temptation is real, too, and all the preparation in the world isn't enough sometimes. Mine was dry for 2 years in, and for 8 months after release, but he couldn't hold it, and I finally called the police when he got drunk and abusive. I wish him well, and every now and then my heart calls him stupidstupidstupid, because he had everything and blew it again. But I have to deal with MY addiction - him. And deny it. And eliminate it. That's the only action I can really take - curing my own problem.

Good luck with yours.

Hi everyone,

I have just read through this thread and have to say that I find it extremely helpful also for my situation. Thanks to everyone who is sharing their experiences of what addiction is really like!

The man I love is an alcoholic. We fell in love 1996 while he was in prison ... 12 years he was behind bars, for some drug-related crime. I am from Europe, I have no addiction and I had no clue about it either. He told me about his past, he told me he is an alcoholic. I did not really know what it means ... that he could drink again when he gets out. I thought that was out of the question.

He did get out of prison in May 2002, I was there. We had a great time together. I went back to visit him, our relationship got stronger and stronger. And he was doing real fine. Got a good job, was with his family, remained sober. In April 2003 he asked me to marry him. We started the Immigration process for me to be able to be with him. It took more than a year, because they did a thorough security review because he was still on parole.

Guess what happened during that year while we had to be apart? He started drinking again! I had to watch from afar as he was going down. We had many talks on the phone during which he told me about how terrible he was feeling and why he was drinking. I was not prepared to give him up, I wanted to get over there and help him. - Thinking, hoping, that he would have a reason to quit once I am with him.

Well, he did not let it come that far. Last July, one week before I would have had my visa-interview, he called and told me he does not want me to come over. He said he found another woman and wants to be with her. My world shattered.

To make a long story short: after our breakup he drank even more, and within three months he lost his job, his girlfriend, and his home. And in October, he was arrested for violating his parole. He has since been in county jail, was recently transfered to a Medical Center in Minnesota and has got 6 months inside. We are in touch again, writing to each other, just as we did before he got out the first time. He says he still loves me and wants me as his wife. My feelings for him have never changed, and I still want to be with him.

And now I am in the same situation as most of you who wrote on this thread: I am scared he will go back to drinking and mess everything up all over again! I am thinking of ways to be with him when he gets out, because I still want to believe that he would stay sober if only I were with him. But I guess that's not true. If he does not manage to stay sober on his own, then it would also make no difference if I was there. Right?

I love him with all my heart, I have forgiven him for messing up, and I would love to have a second chance with him to make this difficult relationship work. I will watch and see what is going to happen once he is out again. I hope that the treatment he is now receiving in prison will be helpful and I pray he will succeed this time. I cannot do anything else, it is not in my power to make this work. And it does not really make a difference whether I am there with him right away or not. That's hard to accept - not being able to do anything to help him ... but I do understand.

Thanks everyone for letting me share my story.

My name is Kevin and I am an Alcoholic. I have been sober since 2/7/2004, thanks to my home group my sponsor and my higher power. I have read alot of good and true things in this forum. This is for louis's girl. Working through my 12 step program, someone told me an important thing about working with other alcoholics/addicts. "I" can't get them sober and "I" cant get them drunk. It is something for you to think about.

My name is Kevin and I am an Alcoholic. I have been sober since 2/7/2004, thanks to my home group my sponsor and my higher power. I have read alot of good and true things in this forum. This is for louis's girl. Working through my 12 step program, someone told me an important thing about working with other alcoholics/addicts. "I" can't get them sober and "I" cant get them drunk. It is something for you to think about.


Thank you for reminding me of that. Being Codependent I forget sometimes what my role is in loving an addict but I kicked my addict to the side cause he is not staying sober on the inside and that is not what i need in my life at this time or anytime!!!!!