Just wondering what type help bi-polar people have that are in recovery for drugs . I know they have to be drug tested while they are in the follow up program?
Anyone been thru this?

my son takes lithium and was taking thorazine i don't know that there is a problem with any prescribed drugs if they are in a program...my son use to self medicate with all sorts of drugs and was tested alot while on probation but "they" knew he was taking meds for his bi-polar..can't imagine a problem

my son takes lithium and was taking thorazine i don't know that there is a problem with any prescribed drugs if they are in a program...my son use to self medicate with all sorts of drugs and was tested alot while on probation but "they" knew he was taking meds for his bi-polar..can't imagine a problem
I appreciate this info

http://remedyfind.com/all_remedies.asp?id=68
This is a pretty good site.
I know people in treatment who are recovering and taking
Prozac
Effexor
Lithium
Celexa
Paxil
Zoloft
Wellbutrin
Topamax
Buspar

http://remedyfind.com/all_remedies.asp?id=68
This is a pretty good site.
I know people in treatment who are recovering and taking
Prozac
Effexor
Lithium
Celexa
Paxil
Zoloft
Wellbutrin
Topamax
Buspar
Again Sunnie---Thanks for this site and the list of meds. I have watched the news with interest about the possibily effects of these meds and the connection to sucide (sp)--boy there is a fine balanceing act involved in taking these meds that are really needed. Granddaughter was given paxil that was changed to prozac plus lithium
Proud grannie

My ex husband is bipolar and unfortunately they always tend to fall back and self medicate, that's why he's my ex-husband. Regardless - He was on Depakote and Welbuterin. I don't think there's problems if the meds are prescribed. At least with Depakote and Lithium they can check they're levels to make sure they are taking their meds.

My ex husband is bipolar and unfortunately they always tend to fall back and self medicate, that's why he's my ex-husband. Regardless - He was on Depakote and Welbuterin. I don't think there's problems if the meds are prescribed. At least with Depakote and Lithium they can check they're levels to make sure they are taking their meds.
Guess I don't have enough faith but I am scared to death my granddaughter will start to "self medicate" again. She had a bad drinking problem along with the drugs--She said she thought you could drink and it not show up on your drug test; not that she intended to drink again. Statements like that scare me. By the way does drinking show up in any of the test they do when you are still in the program?
Grandson on the other hand has gone to the half-way house and seems happy as a lark and very determined to make it--started a new job Mon and was very excited about that. If I was a betting person I would bet he makes it.
Sorry about you X
Proud grannie

I take Paxil......

Guess I don't have enough faith but I am scared to death my granddaughter will start to "self medicate" again. She had a bad drinking problem along with the drugs--She said she thought you could drink and it not show up on your drug test; not that she intended to drink again. Statements like that scare me. By the way does drinking show up in any of the test they do when you are still in the program?
Grandson on the other hand has gone to the half-way house and seems happy as a lark and very determined to make it--started a new job Mon and was very excited about that. If I was a betting person I would bet he makes it.
Sorry about you X
Proud grannie
Drinking doesn't necessarily show up on the test but I would imagine they could do a breathalizer. Besides drinking intereferes with the medication. The medication doesn't allow teh medication to work properly. She shouldn't drink at all. Bipolar's should never drink or use drugs but unfortunately they do. When the drink it usually sends them into the depression phase of their illness. They have support groups for bipolar people and their families. Maybe you should consider this.

Right now granddaughter is in counseling everyday--when she gets out of the half-way house she will have to still go to meetings ;I am not sure how often
Proud grannie

I take celexa. I was scared to death to take ANY medications after being totally drug free for 15 years (thats still not as long as i was taking drugs) celexa has been a life saver..its related to paxil and zoloft fut different...how olds your grand daughter??? i am thinking i have read that suicide with medications for depression and bi polar is more common in teen agers than adults...

I take celexa. I was scared to death to take ANY medications after being totally drug free for 15 years (thats still not as long as i was taking drugs) celexa has been a life saver..its related to paxil and zoloft fut different...how olds your grand daughter??? i am thinking i have read that suicide with medications for depression and bi polar is more common in teen agers than adults... My granddaughter will be 21--she acts more like a 10 year old right now. She has been suicidal before she went into the SAFP program. It may have been due to the drugs or her mental health problems.
proud grannie

I have bipolar disorder. Its very hard. ive lived with my whole life and was able to deal with school and stuff but after i had my son it got worse, i know i had postpartem depression mixed in but now its been two years and ive been through, lexapro from10mg to 20/depakote from 500mg to 2000mg/ klonipin 1mg to 2mg/ welbutrin SR to XL and 150 to 300mg and even with all that and the exhastion that comes with, i am still crazy! i have high ups and downs, and the are beginning to rapid cycle more often, and i am now hurt those i love and care about because i tend to get angry and have this rage that just takes over me. its like im a different person. im afraid im just going to really hurt someone or myself and /or runnaway and leave all of this behind. bp is the hardest thing in the world next to schitzo or physical health problems.
i just hope this openness will help some of you and also maybe some ppl will talk to me or ask questions, i know a lot about it. but i just really need some contacts and friends in here. thanx my prison talk community.
ps the anger i am finding out has to do with my ex in prison and his deciet that i cant get over, guess im bitter and we all know it eats u alive, but i also still love and miss him so help and advice and discussion is greatly appreciated here too:) :)

My mother was bi polar so I have been face to face with it. She refused to take her meds though so life in her house growing up was tough. My heart goes out to you, I cant imagine how hard it is to deal with. what stage have you been diagnosed with? the woman who helped railroad Nick was in the worst stage you could possibly get into bc she can actually hide her conditiona nd she too doesnt take medication. Good for you in taking the responsiblity to stay on your meds.

I have bipolar disorder. Its very hard. ive lived with my whole life and was able to deal with school and stuff but after i had my son it got worse, i know i had postpartem depression mixed in but now its been two years and ive been through, lexapro from10mg to 20/depakote from 500mg to 2000mg/ klonipin 1mg to 2mg/ welbutrin SR to XL and 150 to 300mg and even with all that and the exhastion that comes with, i am still crazy! i have high ups and downs, and the are beginning to rapid cycle more often, and i am now hurt those i love and care about because i tend to get angry and have this rage that just takes over me. its like im a different person. im afraid im just going to really hurt someone or myself and /or runnaway and leave all of this behind. bp is the hardest thing in the world next to schitzo or physical health problems.
i just hope this openness will help some of you and also maybe some ppl will talk to me or ask questions, i know a lot about it. but i just really need some contacts and friends in here. thanx my prison talk community.
ps the anger i am finding out has to do with my ex in prison and his deciet that i cant get over, guess im bitter and we all know it eats u alive, but i also still love and miss him so help and advice and discussion is greatly appreciated here too:) :)

Curious,
Have you ever been on Risperdal? Remeron? Have you discussed with your doc about your feelings? I work in MH and the doctors I work with have great outcomes with bipolar pts. Of course occassionally they go off of their meds and are readmitted but for the most part they lead a normal life. What age were you diagnosed? May I ask how old you are now? Why Klonopin? Pm me if you would like and I can maybe answer some questions or help you in some way. Also what part of Ga are you? I live in Ga also.

ONE

I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder -- however there's reason to believe that I don't have it from another Psychologist. I had been on lexapro, and as it helped my mood a bit, it would do that to anyone. Sometimes the greatest anti-depressent is a good friend to talk about things with. I'm here if you want to talk.

I could not imagine having bipolar. Life is hard enough when you don't have to deal with mood swings and major depression. If I am over stepping my bounds, I apologize, but do have any kind of spiritual rejuvenation. This is something different for everybody. It may be going to church or it may be just some time where you read your Bible and pray. My true belief is that all the medicines in the world cannot compare with what God can do for us.

This is not me preaching, but just my opinion.

I have bipolar also. About 10 years ago I was diagnosed as manic depressive and then a year ago I was told that I have bipolar along with ADD. I take lexapro, trileptal, klonopin, adderall, ambien along with high blood pressure and IBS meds. Life is tough with this disease, every day is different. I have my highs and lows, and I know when I'm on a high and a low. If I don't take my meds, I'm very angry, lash out at everyone around me and so on. I have to take my meds, I know that. I have lots of family support and a terrific fiancee who understands me when I'm on a high and when I'm down, which is really supportive, even though he's not by my side right now, but soon will be....80 days to go!!

I have bipolar disorder. Its very hard. ive lived with my whole life and was able to deal with school and stuff but after i had my son it got worse, i know i had postpartem depression mixed in but now its been two years and ive been through, lexapro from10mg to 20/depakote from 500mg to 2000mg/ klonipin 1mg to 2mg/ welbutrin SR to XL and 150 to 300mg and even with all that and the exhastion that comes with, i am still crazy! i have high ups and downs, and the are beginning to rapid cycle more often, and i am now hurt those i love and care about because i tend to get angry and have this rage that just takes over me. its like im a different person. im afraid im just going to really hurt someone or myself and /or runnaway and leave all of this behind. bp is the hardest thing in the world next to schitzo or physical health problems.
i just hope this openness will help some of you and also maybe some ppl will talk to me or ask questions, i know a lot about it. but i just really need some contacts and friends in here. thanx my prison talk community.
ps the anger i am finding out has to do with my ex in prison and his deciet that i cant get over, guess im bitter and we all know it eats u alive, but i also still love and miss him so help and advice and discussion is greatly appreciated here too:) :) My diagnosis is
severe clinical depression with recurrent symptoms
personality trait disorder and anxiety
My husband has some of the same symptoms as I. But the doctors in DOC wont diagnose him. I have been on celexa, effexor, zoloft, prozac, atarax, buspar, xanax, amatryptaline, chlonopin, tetra??? tons and tons more...currently I went off my meds. I am going to the doctor tomarrow to get them back...I take prilosec, atacand(blood pressure meds), ativan(anxiety) and tomarrow I will get me lexapro and lithium back. Not counting the meds I take for asthma! Just call me the walking drug store.

i know the feeling all, and i know this is an old thread but forgot about it, so anyways, if anyone out there wants to continue talking about this, im here for now, i got off all my meds, and now am doing great, tweety musta been right God can heal all, but i already knew that, just wasnt ready to be healed, im doing alot better now, out on my own, talking to baby's daddy again, and i feel great, once in awhile i have an episode, but i have a large network of family and friends to help out. i hope others are doing good, and that this helps ppl to realize there is hope out there, that was my biggest problem, i had no hope...
please post and let me know how everyone is doing?

I have been suffering from panic attack, I realized it it a ways from where you are at but could really use some support. I am so scared I live in fear everyday. I think it is somehow realted to IBS because sorry if I have to go to the bathroom I panic....
I take lexapro 20mg ativan as needed and ambian as needed.
Any advice

I have been on several different combinations of meds and were not happy with them. Currently I am taking Topomax for mood stabilizer Wellbutrin for antidepressant and buspar for anxiety. It is working pretty well this time. All the other combos were awful. I still have highs and lows but they are pretty minimal and pretty close to regular peoples. I also am lucky to have a very supportive fiance who is also my ex husband. I hate taking the meds and have gone off several time but each time have endend up in bad shape and several times in the hospital so I have come to the conclusion that I will probably just have to take them. It is such a discouraging disease for me because it seems like I really never feel good anymore. I jsut feel okay. Does that make sense to anyone. My ex says thats why I go off my meds a lot. I want to feel better than just okay and I think when I'm manic I do. But actually I'm just out of control. I don't know like I said I find it very discouraging but I take it a day at a time now and work hard at taking my meds right. I'm sorry I'm rambling this really struck a nerve this morning. Thanks for sharing your feelings so openly Curious.

I also take Topamax but I take it mostly for headaches and Dysyrel for sleep. It's a good combo for me after trying everything on the market over the years. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder several years ago.

HEY,
ga scarlet: i know how you feel, with this disease u have to realize its forever, and if u are the type who cant go off ur meds then u cant but i know how it feels to just feel ok and want that high to make u feel better, i feel everything u r talkin about and i understand, its great that u have support, that is a key.
msknotty: know what u r feeling, have ibs too and occasional panic attacks, just take ur meds and get support, the docs r gettin better with treating ibs, so hopefully u r in good hands...
keep me posted everyone
TTFN

oh and hi valerie and thanx for the help

Hello all,

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar(Axis II), severe depression, PTSD, and attachment disorder.

My biggest problem is racing thoughts. I cycle constantly. When I would PMS I was homocidally psychotic. They kept checking my hormones and said nothing was out of order but I know something is the matter. They put me on Depo-provera to stop my cycles and I haven't had a problem since, being psychotic that is.

I tried every drug there is. This new psychiatrist put me on Cymbalta(a new drug)and it seems to be working but I topped off and they added Abilify. I also take Klonipin, and Xanax for emergencys only. I take an aspirin a day because of my age, weight, I smoke and the Depo is a birth control. They are taking me off of it because it causes osteoporosis. I don't know what is going to happen now. They want me to have a hysterectomy. I take PMS meds for water gain, Flonase and Zyrtec for allergies, a vitamin, Lisinopreal for kidney damage from diabetes. I have my diabetes under control from diet and don't take meds for that.

I wake up manic in the morning. My kids love it though. Mommys an ass and funny. But when I crash, I crash.

Anything I can do to help, PM me.

i have been diagnosed with Fetal alcohol syndrom, bipolar, anixiety,pstd, panic attacks, depression and who knows what else
NOT EASY THAT IS FOR SURE

I was diagnosed with bi-polar about 20 years ago- I as well used to suffer from extreme panic dis-order-- although over time it has gotten better. I have taken just about everything including having ect treatments-- alot of it didnt seem to help. I was very resistant to any type of group therapy and just treated it like it was simply a chemical disorder... well a few years ago after my third major nervous breakdown and and 11th suicide attempt - when everyone was about ready to give up and put me in a group home-- something just happened. I had - had enough- I was court ordered into a hospital and was refusing my medication- which I wouldnt advocate- but taking 15 pills a day- it just wasent working. I was released finally after threatening to become a Christian Scientist so they couldnt force treatment on me- to a day program- I had no choice I had to go--- and I finally gave in and started going to groups -- got lucky and got a Dr. who stream-lined my meds instead of adding more-- got a blood test and found out I had HepC which is now being treated ( never mind I never lied about my past to any Dr. they just never bothered to check.) I had really just about given up and now here I am three years later... It's not perfect - I'm in the middle of Hep C treatment (which for me I think alot of the symptoms they were writing off as bi-polar were actually from the HepC) I'm not working due to the treatment but mentally I feel like a new person. I'm taking only 10mg of Lexapro and controlling my panic disorder without meds... Now I know when I'm able to go back to work ( and I can't wait) I may need to up some things- I don't handle stress like other people do- I shut down-- but I just want you to know there is hope--but most of all you have to listen and help yourself-- you can't blindly just turn yourself over-- that's how I ended up with all the ect treatments-- you have to be active in your own treatment program which may mean participation in some things you're resistant to---I know I will always be bi-polar I will always suffer from depression that most people don't understand--but I will survive! Best of luck to you and everyone on here-- trust me I know how hard it is- and how people who don't suffer from it just don't understand.

Hello, I appreciate many of you stating your diagnosis in an effort to help others. I am here for information/help. I believe my ex (a lifer) is bipolar. I have told him this and just sent him a book. I believe he broke up with me during a "crash" and is now regretting it.

What conerns me more is that he is in the SHU and the isolation and lack of human contact is sending him into delusions (as it would anyone).

Questions:

1. when you found out you were bipolar was it like "ah there is a reason for all this" or was it upsetting?

2. did you suspect you were before you were diagnosed?

3. how did you feel about going on meds?

4. since being on meds do you feel better?

5. did you have delusions? what type? have they improved since meds?

These are personal questions and only if you want to answer of course. Thank you so much.

Hi Curious, How are you feeling?

I don't have any personal experience but I hope this site gives you support and know we are proud of you and also proud you are sticking with the meds.I have bipolar disorder. Its very hard. ive lived with my whole life and was able to deal with school and stuff but after i had my son it got worse, i know i had postpartem depression mixed in but now its been two years and ive been through, lexapro from10mg to 20/depakote from 500mg to 2000mg/ klonipin 1mg to 2mg/ welbutrin SR to XL and 150 to 300mg and even with all that and the exhastion that comes with, i am still crazy! i have high ups and downs, and the are beginning to rapid cycle more often, and i am now hurt those i love and care about because i tend to get angry and have this rage that just takes over me. its like im a different person. im afraid im just going to really hurt someone or myself and /or runnaway and leave all of this behind. bp is the hardest thing in the world next to schitzo or physical health problems.
i just hope this openness will help some of you and also maybe some ppl will talk to me or ask questions, i know a lot about it. but i just really need some contacts and friends in here. thanx my prison talk community.
ps the anger i am finding out has to do with my ex in prison and his deciet that i cant get over, guess im bitter and we all know it eats u alive, but i also still love and miss him so help and advice and discussion is greatly appreciated here too:) :)

I will tell all of one great physician and he can cure all without any meds.......

HIS NAME IS GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he did it for me and he will do it for you..............

Although this is opinions and I respect them all, I feel we need to be careful about making suggestions about medications and or lack of medications, and God can heal. God also created psychisians and there are medications out there that have literally saved people's lives. Part of being bi-polor it's common to self medicate and not be medicated because thoughts of being cured now or that being normal is something that is so important. I feel it's EXTREMELY imperative to stay under the care of a professional who specializes in this and any concerns and questions should be directed towards them, but we do support you and there are lots of us who know what you go through.
Keep up the good work

Very well said Sunnie and you are so right! :)

Although this is opinions and I respect them all, I feel we need to be careful about making suggestions about medications and or lack of medications, and God can heal. God also created psychisians and there are medications out there that have literally saved people's lives. Part of being bi-polor it's common to self medicate and not be medicated because thoughts of being cured now or that being normal is something that is so important. I feel it's EXTREMELY imperative to stay under the care of a professional who specializes in this and any concerns and questions should be directed towards them, but we do support you and there are lots of us who know what you go through.
Keep up the good work I agree. I think many people do not realize this is a biologically based disorder and if one reads about it they will know the brain function of people with bipolar is different. Hence meds are a necessity.

I agree, meds are VERY important. my mother was bipolar and she would go on and off her meds, with disasterous results. Thye self-medication thing is so true, she abused alcohol when she was off her meds and eventually mixed a lethal combination of meds and alcohol and died. Please, please stay on the meds, they are as Mia points out a necessity

ok Im sorry i havent posted in awhile i just didnt expect this thread to take off so well.
mzknotty-understand the ibs thing, have problems myself, it will get better and pm me anytime u need to talk
gascarlet-thanx for being open too. totally understand. the normal thing sux, crave highs even lows all the time, its so hard to feel normal, b/c normal to us isnt normal to everyone else.use to do drugs and drink, etc to create drama so i could achieve highs or lows, but now, i watch movies, and sleep to get thru the times i cant stand it. maybe thats why im not on meds right now, i feel i need some highs or lows to feel normal, b/c meds take away even normal highs and lows, i dont know, until i go off the deep end,again, im staying this way, but my family would know if something was up and stop me first., but i totally get it, i think that is the worst part of bipolar, u either never feel normal or your normal all the time...
man this thread got big, no one will even post on my buffy thread!
just like valerie pointed out, it takes patience to find the right drug combo, for me no drug is better than any so far....
lunachild-i totally get the pms thing too. its always worse then, this has been the worst week so far. pm if u need to talk ever.i get what ur goin thru, i got a 2 yr old and its harder with kids, they dont understand why mommy cries, or screams, or anything with crashes, but they always love the highs
soulmates4ever-i agree its not easy, any advice u can give is awesome
samsfi-thanks for being so honest and helpful, u helped me and other i hope, please continue to give advice, good luck, esp. with working again, it helps me to stay busy, as long as its limited stress, i totally agree with listening to yourself and getting help, b/c only u can decide to change ur life
Everyone read samsfis post its very helpful and so true, u know last year i almost checked myself into a home in atlanta b/c i just thought i couldnt live anymore and take care of my son on my own
more in a sec
TTFN

MiaBellaAngela-thanx for offering help and trying to understand us. heres my anaylisis:
1. upsetting, spurred a reason to crash, but when i looked back on my life i realized it was just cycles over and over again.
2. yes, online survey for depression diagnosied me i have every syptom but suicide, but i want to runnaway and wouldnt mind if i died all the time
3. at first i expected the meds to be a miracle, then i hated it b/c it meant i had a prioblem, and my mind made me think i was insane, guilt, which i have alot of, took over, and i just despised myself for taking them, but they did help at times, and later felt like they made me worse. so i dont know my opinion on meds, tried it, off now, we will see if i get on again, i just hate feeling normal.
4. sometimes i feel better, but like i said i hate normalsy, it eats at me and i feel like this isnt me and i crave highs or even lows again to get by, i survive on my highs or lows sometimes, but thats the problem with bipolar, then the high or lows take over..
5. yes, they said even the ppl or shadows in the corner of my eyes were delusions, and the meds did help with thati just didnt know i had them.
Your welcome, i love sharing, i was so alone thru all this and i just dont want anyone else to feel alone, i and we all are here to help get thru the highs and lows of bipolar!
Valerie-thanxs for asking girl, im doing good, alot happened this year, now im on my own and out of my bad situation that was making life worse, so its me and the baby now, stopped meds back in jan, had a huge crash last month with my mom, scared her, but then nothing else since april when i started living alone again, talking to babys daddy in prison again, trying to make things work, even quit smoking, had a bad week though, been real depressed, but movies and internet r getting me thru it, im learning to control my cravings, also drug free for 4 yrs 4/20/05 this yr its great, trying hard to ride out this week, know it will get better, thanks for your love and support girl!
Jesuschick-oh sweety i already said that in here, but please be sweeter to the ppl in here, b/c there is such a thing as chemical imbalances that require meds to live insociety, if u dont get that then please dont press....besides i think sunnie said it all, god and meds work in this case.
Sunnie thanks for your advice and input, i totally agree and should have said it first, i just want to encourage others in there times of need.thanx.
suzeg3 and all others-thanx for supporting this discussion
I feel god and meds work together, i have a great book called jesus the great psychologist, and some others and they all suggest that god can help with anything but sometimes your trial in life is to get thru this with his help and the doctors, the trial maybe to live on meds, to get better, god works thru ppl now to perform miracles sometimes, so please understand im not preaching it just worked out this way for me, but next week i may be on meds again, so please keep posting advice, questions, and support, u guys r all great. thanx!!!

just like right now i should be going to bed or something, but i just wanna post, chat, or watch movies, cause it doesnt matter, tomorrow, is just another day , boring and the same thing over and over again, my son making me smile or laugh is all that keeps me going, and i no longer care if im tired b/c i feel tired even when i get enough sleep, i think ive got insomnia again, but like i said this is just a low and it will pass to, soon i'll be back to my self again, i hope...good night all

Your sounding good and your attitude sounds good too. You seem to know that the bad times will pass and hey ya can't beat that. Keep up the good work.

thanx valerie for the encouragement, now if i can just get my house cleaned and live day to day with out being depressed or craving a high, i'll be fine

HI curious. I'm glad to see you again. You do sound like your'e doing pretty good where your'e at right now. For myself. I have actually had the best five days in a row that I have had in the last five years. I don't know why and I don't care it is just a releif. I don't feel like a zombie and I don't feel like I can jump off the roof either. I take my shower first thing in the morning do the housework daily and have cooked dinner everyday. My husband was in shock on the third day I think. I know it probably won't last too much longer but it is nice for now. I agree this has been a great thread for us to talk when we have a common problem. Thanks everyone.

ga scarlet-so glad u have had a good week, wish i could do the daily routine thing, i never get past 'well, im up and outta bed.' but good for u, i know we all need a good week to give us some hope to keep going, thanks for sharing:)
TTFN

Thanks curious. I think my husband is still trying to remember the last time he has had home cooking 5 days in a row. But I have to say as far as my husband goes he is very understanding about the bi-polar. He has learned so much about it over the last 2 years and he really takes very good care of me and tries to help me so much. I am very lucky as far as that goes.

my sweety in prison, is very understanding too, he likes it, esp when im high cause then he gets to play:)
but when im low he is sweet and understanding, plus he tries to not fight with me, im glad u have such great support, keep up the good work!

I am bi-polar...when I was taking my meds, Neurontin and Wellbutrin SR worked for me...now my 2 youngest daughters have been diagnosed as mentally ill...my 17 year old has a dual personality disorder with cutting tendencies, and my baby girl (14 today) is SEVERLY Bi-polar....She has been hospitalized 4 times and is taking...Haldol, Abilify, Wellbutrin XL, Trazadone, and was just started on Neurontin in addition to all of these. She is Bipolar II and also has hallucinations and voices in her head. I have her in therapy, but no one can tell me how to deal with her, or if I am doing the right thing in how I deal with her....Some days are rough around here..Let me tell you.

So no, none of you are alone, there are so many of us in this boat, I'm glad I found this thread, I'll be following it regularly!

Hugs
Michelle

HI Michelle,
Happy birthday to your daughter and glad to have you aboard.

Five good days in a row ga!!! wow! At least when I'm manic I do get the house clean and thats about all I can say good about that.

hey everyone! hi michelle, welcome, hope u find support here, wow, that does sound tought, i hope my boy doesnt inherit any of this, good luck and keep in touch, we will try to help where we can, Valerie so glad ur still having a great week, i finally broke out and cleaned my house at 11pm last night, isnt it funny how that happens, but i just couldnt stand it anymore, hopefully this means i have broken out of my depression week! i hope, hi ga scarlet, hope all is good with u still. glad everyone is coming back and providing encouragement, ive never had a thread work this good, thanx all!

I'm still hanging in. Today is my husbands day off of work so I think this PM we are going up to the mountains to get out of the desert heat. It is supposed to be 111 today here. If that doesn't kill my good mood I don't know what will. Ha Ha. Just kidding. It is usually that hot here in the summer. I'll be here for a little while this am though. It is hard when you have kids that have the same problems as you. My daughter has depression that has not been termed bi-polar yet but is still in oberservation stage and my 10 year old son has extreme ADHD and is like a tornado inside the house if not medicated. I feel so sorry for him. His first two years of school were a nightmare for him. Always in trouble and just couldn't figure out why. He was trying his best to be good. Anyways Hi to everyone and I can't wait to get up to the mountains where it is green and not brown like here in the desert.

my baby girl (14 today) is SEVERLY Bi-polar....She has been hospitalized 4 times and is taking...Haldol, Abilify, Wellbutrin XL, Trazadone, and was just started on Neurontin in addition to all of these.

Yikes, that's quite the cocktail :eek: I can't believe they have her on Haldol...I thought psych professionals were finally starting to move away from that one. When my fiance was on halperidol, he was totally off the wall; they switched him to a Geodon/Lithium combo, and he's made significant progress. Like your daughter, he has hallucinations (very violent ones)...but when the meds are "right", he is able to keep them at bay.

I'm glad you posted here, Michelle, and Happy Birthday to your daughter!

Hugs,
Susan

Thank you everyone for all the support and the welcomes!!

Valerie, so glad you have had so many good days! I know how important they are!!

Up to the moutains *sigh* Sounds heavenly!! Have a great time and enjoy the cool!!

As for Kate and her Haldol....I fought tooth and nail when they tried to take her off of it. It is one of the first ones that worked for her.... so just keeping my fingers crossed that maybe she has built up a resistence and maybe needs an increase in dosages...She thinks the "little green men" she sees are her only friends but they tell her to do bad things to herself...Just breaks my heart! I don't know how to respond to that. We tried the Geodon the first time she was hospitalized...she didn't eat the whole time she was on it and had severe stomach pain.

Well, off to get some housework done..tomorrow is trash day (OH JOY!!!)

Michelle

Hi Michelle, ((((((Hugs)))))) Boy do you ever have your hands full.I just wanted to say Hi and and say you hang in there and God Bless.

I'm back from the mountains and I think my good week just came apart. Had a huge screaming fight with the ex abut my son. I was shaking and crying for almost an hour. It took my husband twenty minutes just to get me breathing normally again. Sometimes I hate that man. Now everything is making me cry. I think i'm okay and it just starts again. Boy he is a turd. I think he does this to me on purpose sometimes. Or maybe I'm just paranoid about him who knows. I won't be sleeping tonight. sorry for laying it on you girls but I figured you could probably understand and my poor husband has been litening for almost 2 hours now. I had to find a new place to vent. Thanks

Ok I am checking in on this..........I myself suffer from depression; anxiety, and ADHD so I take on a daily basis; Wellbutrin SR and Klonipin. I also take Neurontin but I am diabetic and neuropathy in feet so that medication is set to treat that. My psychiatrist had me on Topamax for mood swings but since my original psych didn't diagnose me as being bi-polar he took me off that medication which I have actually been told Topamax and Klonipin are same type of medication. I would have to say that the meds help and usually when I forget to take it my mood swings get really bad; My husband is always able to notice the difference!

I was told by many that I shouldn't take the meds because of my beliefs but I realized that I suffered for many years without meds. But they have helped; my son is also ADHD and takes Adderall 15mg which he only takes during school year and it has really help him excel through his studies.........

GA SCARLET you can vent here anytime, thats what we're here for.Try not to let anyone ruin your good days. How was the mountains? It was 102 here today so the mountains sound really good, wish I was there now. Sounds like you have a nice husband now and sometimes we just have to focus on the good. I hope you feel better soon.

The mountains were great we went up to Idylwild (sp) I am in Palm Desert Valerie so you know how hot it was here. 111 ughhh. Thats why we go up there for lunch sometimes cause its only an hour. You guys are right. I shouldn't let him get to me that is why he's the ex. LOL Also my husband now is great. He made me a super dinner. Scrambled eggs with onions and cheese, ham, and toast. I am feeling much better than I did a couple of hours ago. Good to have you aboard Zhane. They said tomorrow it is supposed to be 114 and humid. I guess we will have to think of somewhere else to go. Thanks girls you always make me feel better when I feel down.

Well good for you and so happy you feel better . I'm in Hemet so we have the same "closet mountains" Oh yes I know how hot it is in P.D.

Bi-polar is sooo difficult and often will play out very differently from person to person.

However not to piss anyone off-- I'm saying this with as much respect as I can:
If you feel you can turn it over to God to fix it all-- that's wonderful I am very happy for you and that you have been healed.
But please use caution in suggesting to others that it is the only course of treatment they need. Many people are desperate and will try anything ( for me it was herion!)-- I think we all know from what many of us have been through; what works for one person may not be the answer or may even have an adverse reaction in another.
I will be honest I am agnostic- but I'm not disagreeable to the fact that if you have faith in God it can and will work for you. However I think it might be better to suggest it as something to go along with medical treatment. I realize the people that have suggested this may not have at all intended for someone to stop medication or seeing their Dr. But realize a desperate person not thinking exactly clearly may take it that way.

There are many Psych Dr's and there is even an entire faciltiy here in Oklahoma that treats psych patients from a Christian perspective and combines prayer - faith and the such with they're medical treatment. I might suggest that as a good alternative to people just stopping all their treatment and picking up a bible.
I'm very sorry if it offends anyone-- but the remifications for some people doing so could be death.

--I know recently Tom Cruise came out in an interview with his Scientology point of view that there is no such thing as 'chemical imbalance'-- My niece had just taken a drink of her coke and practically spit it across the room she was laughing so hard. My niece would like to personally extend an invite to Mr. Cruise that if he really believes that; let me stop my meds for a few months then he can come and stay in our home for a month!! She is very sure he'll have a different perspective after that!!! LOL

samsfi-i am so pleased that u said that, i wanted to type a similar post but was afraid of causing a problem, i even wrote to one of the moderators expressing my desire for ppl to not get the wrong idea about all this jesus heals all stuff, i believe jesus helped me emensly but i know that drugs are the way for bipolar, i just want to caution everyone to remeber, this is an encouragem,ent thread and not to be taken as a fix for our problems, i want all to take caution with their docs and not to do anything rash, also, if someone wants to mention god, great, but dont suggest that he is the only way to fix ur problems, b/c sometimes god tests us, and having bipolar maybe something someone has to live with, with meds, and going off them may screw up gods plan, trust is important, but not to the degree that u but yourself or ur family in danger, be aware all.
samsfi has writting in a nice way, just what i wanted to say, so lets keep this thread alive with encouraging words to day by day moments, and stop looking for a quick fix.
samsfi-didnt know that about cruise, he is getting so weird.
also, all i am doing much better, out of my depression and i even think im gonna go visit james this weekend for the first time:)
hope everyone is doing good, take care all!
TTFN

Hi, everyone ;)

As the Moderator of this forum, I am interested in hearing all your thoughts, of course. However, while I understand that certain folks have seen positive results with a faith-based route of treatment, the line between sharing what works for you, and pushing it (even gently) upon others (who may or may not share your beliefs) is a very fine one indeed.

Bipolar is, in fact, a chemical imbalance. To suggest that such an imbalance need only be subjected to a Higher Power for a resolution is, in my opinion, unfair at best...irresponsible at worst.

Religion is such a hot-button topic; it tends to stir the pot when that was not the intent. So, I am asking that all members refrain from promoting their personal beliefs as a cure-all for mental illness.

As an aside, my fiance was born a Baptist but now practices Native American spirituality...however, he also prays to Jesus daily, and is a believer in both God and Grandfather. A little over a year ago, the psychiatrist changed my guy's med cocktail in the hopes it would produce better results. Day by day, he felt more "out of control" than ever. When he would call, he'd tell me things were getting worse, until he finally insisted the psychiatrist change the meds back to their original doses. In the time it took for his system to cycle back into the old meds, he had a manic episode and cut both his forearms open, losing a frightening amount of blood and taking 30 stitches. A week later, the meds finally absorbed and he was stabilized.

Now, if he had chosen to "give that situation over to God" (instead of taking the meds), I don't think he'd be here today. I am not an agnostic--I was born and raised a strict Roman Catholic.

But with this illness and all its daily challenges, my money is on science.

Thanks to all for your cooperation....and keep on sharing, it may help someone without you even knowing it!

I agree Irisheyes-- we need to be here for support-- I do however feel there is room for all points of view on: medicines- Dr's - treatment methods and faith. I think many of us are interested to hear what has and may not have worked for others.

-- however even if some of us are Dr's (I myself am not) they can't ethically and should not suggest someone makes a change in their treatment without actually physically knowing the person.
I think sharing with one another what has worked for us and has not- what we have learned and been told is a great resource-- but we should take care not to word things as an end all be all fix.
We may not be aware that someone who is currently suicidal or not thinking clearly may be taking these statements to heart - even if they are not meant that way.
So my suggestion is lets continue to share- and use a bit of caution in the words we pick. There should be room for everyone's point of view and suggestions- but let's use care to word them as such.
I say this because I have been that person who was suicidal and not thinking clearly -- I might hold the worlds record for being stiched up and having my stomach pumped and at least I hope I do because I would hate to think someone else has gone as far as I have. I have had to make a decision that I really don't want to awaken from another coma if you know what I mean-- and it's easy to say now while I'm doing well- not so easy during those bad times. And it's during those times we find ourselves in a 'vacumn' so to speak and desperate to do anything no matter how off the wall it may be.

Well said Susan :)
That was what I was trying to convey in what I touched on about mental illness from a religious standpoint. Shaun's situation is all too common unfortunately. I am thankful everyday he's still around as I know you are too. Medication has been a God send for many. I too was raised Catholic and my opinion would be he would encourage and expect me to accept any "lifeboats" he through my way in whatever form they came in :)

well, a little late I guess.....

ga..I understand the ex thing. I'm so happy that your husband understands and lets you vent about it..and like Valerie said, that is what we are here for, not just the up times, but support and understanding in the down times also. The mountains sound heavenly. It is only 90 here today, but the humidity is almost 100%. Thank you so much Hurricane Dennis :0) Hang in there. I'm thinking about you!!!!

Michelle

THank you Susan for your input. I appreciate it very much. I am so glad you are feeling better Curious. I saw all the rain from Dennis on the news. Wow I'll bet it is humid on the eastern side of the country. I am trying to figure out a revolutionary new way of co-parenting 3 children without having to communicate with their father. HA HA. We'll be able to talk again by Friday probably thats the way it usually goes. My youngest boy is coming to visit this weekend so hopefully it will be fixed by then.

I am Bipolar and with rapid cycling and a homicidal rage disorder, antisocial behavior, bla, bla . I have been on every medication known to man, Depakote 1,000 mg twice a day with Risperdol, topamax, lithium,tegretol,klonopin, Zoloft,Effexor,Paxil, Prozac. I take nothing now because it all made me sick. I do not work, I am a nurse (LPN) by trade and can not do it. My daughter who is 30 is now on Zoloft and has recently been diagnosed as Bipolar, I think my son is as well but he will not go to the Dr. I made my children's life a living hell growing up . I went through 3 husbands and upteen lovers but no one could tolerate my behavior. I pretty much isolate my self . I go to the store at certain times and avoid crowds..
Having to go to the prison for visits takes every thing I have. My husband is bipolar too and has an attention deficit disorder. So we make an interesting combo LOL
As far as being healed by a higher power, it hasn't happend yet and I have been sick since childhood and am 50 now. I am with Irisheyes on this , my money is on Science. Although, I am thrilled for anyone who has received healing .

ok i have written everthing i wanted to say in response to everyones posts, but man its just too much, so here is the short and sweet version.
welcome all new ppl, thanks for everyones input and advice on the religious issue, but i would love to change the topic back to what we r going thru day to day that we need advice, encouragement and help on.
also, what is everyones relationship to the prison system and how has that affected your disorders?
i am doing so much better now, but i still miss my man so much, major conflict of minds to as whether to finally go visit for the first time and take baby or not?
i'm really torn and sorta just stuck, always afraid, and full of guilt, i hate it.
sometimes i feel like my fears hold me back from experiencing life, then other times, i think my manics are what get me in trouble, i feel like i can never tell if im being rational or just on a high, wish there was an on and off button on me so i could not make decisions when im not being rational.
neways hope everyone is having a great week, and hope to hear from all of u:)
TTFN

What is everyones relationship to the prison system and how has that affected your disorders?

That's a great question...it deserves its own thread, so here you go:

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1273956#post1273956

Hi Ya Curious , I have two sons in prison and would say that it's effected me I'm sure.As far as bringing the baby I would say no but not all would agree with me.As far as decisions go what I do is try not to make any decisions when I'm manic and if I do ,I re-think them when I'm not. I know it's easier said then done but TRY not to feel guility cause guilt is a high price to pay. I hope that helps you atleast a little and I'm glad your feeling better.

Hi all...

It is interesting to read everyone's post about bi polar and other things. As a teenager, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and self inflicted myself repeatedly by cutting my arms and tried suicide 7 times. I went to therapy for about 8 years and found alot of issues had been in a "box" so to speak and worked pretty much all of it out for the most part. I was on prozac for that 8 years and I decided one day that I didn't want to take it anymore. I did really well until a year later, I got into a fatal car accident where it almost took my life. The first year after the car accident was really hard. I went back to therapy and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. It took me over a year to recover physically with my back and neck and arm. But emotionally, it has damaged me in a big way. I didn't drive or I wouldn't get in anyones car because I was so terrified for over a year. I holed up in my house in fear. Of course, I slowly learned how not to even get in a car. Now I drive fine. But I have a fear of someone else driving me. When someone is driving the car and not me, I get anxiety and start to panic about getting into a car accident. My mind start to race.Lately, I've been feeling like its taking over my life because I refuse to get into anyone's car but my own now. I know it sounds insane and I think it is starting to affect me in a big way and have been thinking of going back to therapy to help me with this problem. Whenever a car is about change lane into my lane, I would always feel my heart drop that I wasn't going to slow down in time or stop in time or the car would hit me. I hate that feeling every time! The anxiety didn't actually start getting bad until after my grandmother passed away over 2 years ago. I feel like I am crazy when I start to panic in anyone's car. I feel embarrass when I get anxiety then and it's starting to affect me. At this point, I think the best thing to do is go back to therapy and duke it out.

I'm very sorry if I offended anyone, I seen where people were telling what they had done to help with their disorders. I told what I had done, I too tried all kinds of different meds. and nothing seemed to help me. I went to the street drugs and was on them many years. I lived in my own little world until I found out who I was and how my life began and why it was the way it was. I too have a chemical imbalance and suffered with many highs and lows. I found something that worked better for me. Just because it worked for me don't mean it that I am trying to push it on anyone else. No two people are alike. If you are going to have and open thread them you need to be open to other peoples comments. I see lots of things that I don't agree with, but I don't tell them so, I just go onto the next.

Jesuschick-- if what I wrote offended you I am sorry- possibly you should re-read what I wrote and re-read your post from 6/27 and some of the other posts in this thread. Then maybe you will understand my suggestion that we be careful how we word things.
I think possibly at this point we should stop debating this issue and get back to what's really important- and that is supporting each other. I feel I did my best to post my comments in an un-biased structure and showed support for all points of views; simply pointing out that we should not post our thoughts on treatment as end all be all fixes. Even a Dr. would be remiss to do so.
I understand these forums are for support but that by definition takes on the direction of sharing information as well. If someone posts something that someone else doesnt exactly agree with they should have a right to express their thoughts on the subject as long as they do so in an appropriate and respectful manner.
As I see that my comments have frustrated so many and obviously taken away from what this forum and thread were actually meant for-- It's obviously counter-productive to the group as a whole for me to share my thoughts.

I felt as though some felt like I was trying to push my beliefs on them which is totally untrue, I was just commenting on what has helped me

Curious, My disorder seemed to worsen under the stress of my prsecution and my prsecution was brought on by my actions that were connected to my gambling addition that were possibly connected to my disorder that was undiagnosed and untreated. Is that confusing enough? LOL. Anyway needless to say I created a big ole mess and now I am in the process of taking responsibility and cleaning it up and taking care of myself better. I must say that I am really in much better shape now than I was two years ago before I even knew what was wrong with me. I have a sentencing date of October 3 and go in for my Pre sentencing interview on July 21. I'm really scared and nervous but everyone here on this site has been so wonderful since I joined in March that I really don't feel like everything is hopeless anymore. I do believe that I will get through it now and that has been a big step.

I found something that worked better for me. Just because it worked for me don't mean it that I am trying to push it on anyone else. No two people are alike. If you are going to have and open thread them you need to be open to other peoples comments. I see lots of things that I don't agree with, but I don't tell them so, I just go onto the next.

Jesuschick, no one is saying you can't post your thoughts....all I am saying is that everyone be careful in how they word those posts, especially when they include such a reactionary topic (i.e. religion). And yes, religion IS a very politically and emotionally charged issue for many people.


As I see that my comments have frustrated so many and obviously taken away from what this forum and thread were actually meant for-- It's obviously counter-productive to the group as a whole for me to share my thoughts.

I'm sorry you feel that way, samsfi...but I assure you, that is not the case.
I understood the thoughts you were trying to get across, just fine.


As a Moderator, I'm asking at this point that we all get back to the discussion at hand, which is bipolar disorder.
The quibbling of the last 24 hours won't do a thing towards supporting each other.

Peace and light to all,
Susan

man u ppl r postin freaks, he he
valerie-thanks, that does help, trying to figure out whats best for me and baby, best selfishly i just want james all to myself, whether hes gonna get on track or not, but now with a child, i have to be rational all the time and i hate it
aprilaluvtony-wow, i can relate some, im not that bad, but evertime i even have a little fenderbender i get like that for awhile, but i usually get over it, i think u might want to try therapy again, it might help to work thru ur fears, anything that keeps u from leading a normal life deserves therapy, but thats just my opinion
jesuschick-sorry if we offended u, just trying to make sure ppl r careful, please stay and share, im sure we can all learn from ur experience, i too went to street drugs for many years, so if u wanna talk pm me, sorry about the misunderstanding, im just afraid for ppl, i had a rough past few yrs and am finally on the high road, for the same reason u are, so dont get me wrong, i share ur passion, please forgive my lack of manners, thanks
samsfi- i agree with ur post, wow its like u and i share a brain but u r better at getting thoughts into appropriate words, i agree we should drop this whole idea, i just want to give and get support here, not offend ppl or have heated discussions, so thanks for all ur input
ga scarlet-thanks for helping me change the subject, wow, didnt know u were facing prison issues ur self, well, hang in there girl and let me know how its going, i understand the cycle of crime and bipolar-i too did my own crime, i ran with a tough group, involving drugs, stealing, gangs, and well, all that other crap. im doing so much better now too, but its hard cause like i always say once and addict always and addict, and bipolar makes sure that its even harder to stay straight and sober, plus my son keeps me strait, i dont wanna ruin his life, but i understand how hard it is to have addictions and then one day u wake up and pay the price, i am still continually paying for my actions of the past, luckly i never got in legal trouble but i was very close...
susan-thanks for ur advice and input, hopefully things will get back to normal, thanks again
well, all i am sick as a dog, it sux, i hate being sick, i just wanna cry, i am finally breaking thru the light to a happier place and then boom im sick, now its gonna take longer to get better, cause all i can do is sit on the couch and watch tv, very productive!
Well, hope everyone elses day is going smoothly, i hope i get a letter today, that would help alot
TTFN

:D Poof....Things are back to normal :thumbsup:

thank goodness!
valerie-how r u doin?

Good, It's 108 here today so I have a good excuse (good enough for me)not to do house work or do much of anything for that matter. lol

I am not doing anything that requires me to go outside if I don't have to. It is miserable out there today. All my shows have been preempted by golf :blah:. We are posting freaks. I am going to my presentencing appointment next week I think that is why I am starting to spaz again. I only slept 4 hours last night. I have to research a cheap new car for my parents. Any ideas guys. Something small less than 15000. maybe. Before I got in trouble I was living way beyond my means and had too too exprensive of cars that I couldn't really afford. SInce then I have had two junkers that no longer run and were both over 15 years old. I am not sure what to start looking at. Try to stay cool Val. :D Get better Curious. Hey to Everybody !! :thumbsup:

My doctor just diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder, and I am not really taking it that well, i knew some things were wrong with me, but was not sure what it was. I was severly depressed for awhile and even meds didnt help. I have good days and bad days. Today is not such a good day. Im glad to see Im not the only one here suffering from this.

valerie and ga scarlet- stay cool, its hot in ga today too, still sick, but very manic, not good, too sick to do anything, its driving me crazy!
ga scarlet-good luck on ur sentencing, and i dont know much about cars but toyotas, esp. camerys are really good cars, and they last along time, do u have carmax out there? they have good deals on used cars that r nice!
dana71-welcome girl! gosh i remember when i found out, its a hard reality, well, if u have anyquestions, or what to explain anymore, we r here. hope u got a good doc and r in good hands, i'll be praying they find something that works for u.
how is everyone else doing?
well, TTFN

Wow, I haven't hit this post in awhile. You guys ARE a bunch of posting fools:)! Hello and welcome to all the new faces. I have been in a downward spiral for a about month now. I can't remember a manic. It started after Jason got arrested and started blaming me and my bi-polar and severe PMS for his addiction. I fianally told him not to write me anymore and he hasn't. But, I still think I haven't totally broken the hold.

Right now, with Tyree in the picture, I am excited about meeting him and depressed at the same time. Hell, if that isn't a redundant bi-polar cycling I don't know what the hell is. I just try to stay in one spot. I need my little hideaway back here in the woods right now. I have to plan every move I make. From cooking dinner to going to take a shower. I am just trying to hang on to the basics here.

I have two teenage boys. One was severely mentally, emotionally and physically abused by his father. The other one is autistic and he never touched him but he was traumatized by what his father did to his brother and me. I just got him on Prozac and he is scheduled to see a psychiatrist about a mobile therapist 3 times a week. This kid is in a constant rage. The Prozac has been a life saver. He is also on Adderall for ADD and he is severely ODD. The psyche told me he had never tested a kid so bad. The autistic one is the one that seems to have all the sensitivity which is awesome to see, because these kids usually don't show any kind of emotion. But he is totally tuned in to me. He knows when I am bad and just kicks in doing the laundry and dishes and TRYING to cook:)! Have to love his little butt. When I am manic he is my playmate. Both my kids know I'm not all there and they just let it go.

I know now I was bi-polar as a kid. I can remember it. The PTSD came from the ex and all the deaths I have had in my life. I'm not suppose to drive because I have stress lapses where I forget where I am or where I am going. It takes me three days to recover just from going into the city.

ga scarlet-it is to bad you have to deal with your ex. My counselor told me not to even talk to mine. I have a panic attack and I can just feel this rage flowing right through me. I had a counselor ask me one time if I was homicidal and I told her, "If you lived with what I have lived with for the last 15 years, you'd be homicidal too". Last time she saw me:)!

I think(hope and pray) that I am going to blessed with Tyree. He wanted to know all the details of what was wrong with me and he doesn't care. He SAYS he can handle me! Ha, how many men have I ran over in the past years? I haven't met one yet that could, except my brother. Sometimes I think I am better off by myself. I just haven't met a man stronger than me. Maybe I pick them so I can have some form of control. One counselor told me I just liked the thrill of the hunt. It's a focus thing for me. I zero in, look for the weak spot, hit it and gut it. That's why I like intelligent men. More of a challenge. My brother is on my wavelength so I can't get away with anything with him. He knows.

I can't wait to meet Tyree. He thinks he has my number. He's already tryed playing with me so we'll see.

Curious thanks, hopefully my doctor has found something that works for me as well, haha, right now Im on paxil, and I take Zanax at night to help me sleep. Im not really having a good reaction from the paxil, makes me feel like I have a hang over in the morning.

Lunachild~maybe Tyree needs to read some books about bipolar, he may think he can handle you, but its no walk in the park this illness. if he is going to have a future with you he needs all the education he can get on bipolar.

lunachild-who is tyree? man u are one strong woman, im proud for u to be on your own, sounds like ur boys are an awesome help, im a criminology major and one of my focuses was women, and i even took classes on family violence and women in the criminal justice system, and we spent alot of time on abuse and women, i read some real eye opener books, i've never been physically abused, but i know its b/c of the disorder that i've let men walk all over me, i have victim mentality, but at the same time i do what u said, i chew em up and spit em out, i play games, and hurt em in the worst ways, james is the only one who as much as we hurt each other, he still loves me and wanted to be with me no matter what i do, i feel the pain and frustration of trying to make things work with ppl who try to handle our disorder, sometimes being bipolar means being alone inside all the time......at least for me thats how it is. hopefully james is the one and ill have a family finally.
dana71-sorry the paxil is making u hungover, i hate that, i never took paxil so dont know, but just remeber, the goal is to get u stable, but ur not gonna want to stay stable, to be bipolar means that to feel normal according to the worlds standards, doesnt feel normnal at all, b/c normal is highs and lows to us, so just stick with it and be open an honest to ur doc. try keeping a journal to show him how u feel and what actions u do, plus it helps u remeber, hang in there girl, their is hope, just reread the posts here.
well, hope everyone else is doing good.
i just woke up so i dont know yet:)
TTFN

I'm here finally. Usually I check in in the morning but I was still driving my parents everywhere because their car isn't fixed yet. I think we are going to look at Toyotas on Sunday. Thank God. They need a new car so bad. They have theirs in the repair shop once a month. A car payment would be less. I am better today I slept a full 8 hours last night first time since the fight with the idiot. Unfortunately I have to see him tomorrow. I just have to make it a quick and painless child exchange. I am excited about my son coming to visit though. We are going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on the big screen at the Imax theater. So I hope everyone is hanging in there today and welcome Dana. I hope you will feel better soon. It took me a year and a half to find the right combination but most of the time I feel pretty good now. My life is pretty manageable and I have learned as much as I can about the disorder to try and understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. It was very overwhelming for me at first and also very scary but after a little time passed and I gained more understanding about the disorder itself I did feel better about managing it. Best to all of you. I have to go to the store now for the dinner stuff. I am wearing myself out. Tomorrow is Kentucky Fried Chicken for sure.

PS Hello Luna Haven't talked to you in it seems like forever.
Good luck with Tyree.

HI everyone ! Hope your weekends are going okay. We are just haning out watching TV tonight. I'll check in tomorrow.

Hi ga scarlet, I hope your having a good weekend with son. Oh did you find a car?

OMG I think I have it I have as of late became very angry verbaly abusive and hateful to my loved ones here at home. I swing from happy go lucky to the Devil woman from H***. My stress level is off the charts I have tried several anti depresent that my doctor had suggested.None have worked so far I allso suffer from panic attracks do these two walk side by side???
I have two Children serving time in TEXAS my son has been in for 9 years on a 20yr. and is only 26 the other my daughter is 28 and just went in doing 2 -3 years running cc.How does someone get tested for BI polar. All the doctors in the area I live in want to prescribe you is something that will make me sleep and I am raising a 12 yr old so sleeping 24 hr a day 7 days a week is out.If any of you out there.Can help please PM me .I feel is growing and my loved ones don't need to be mistreated for something that is wrong with me. Please I am begging I need help

Do you have a general physician, ok.hummingbird? If not, you need to get one ASAP. If you have one, ask him/her to refer you to a competent psychiatrist in your area. Once you have that appointment, make it clear you would like a full assessment for a possible bipolar (or other mental illness) diagnosis.

Do not allow ANY doctor to blow you off, or brush aside your concerns....OR medicate you without fully examining you (sometimes that requires more than one visit!)

Please let us know how you make out, and feel free to PM me anytime, ok?

Susan

I never was suicidal have always been indifferent where death is concerned , if it happens that is fine with me but I have not attempted it , my rages have always been directed towards others or objects. I did used to explode running my fist through windows and such but I have a nice scar on my wrist and never regained feeling in that hand because of it , so that pretty much ended my glass breaking years.
I do have racing thoughts that just never shut down. I have them from the time I awake til I finally sleep. Somethings I go for days without sleep and some days that is all I do.
I find that staying alone and very seldom coming out helps LOL but not many can do that.

I think all of us feel embarrassed that we are ill because the world does not understand mental illness . I have so many people say," YOu don't look retarded". I nicely reply, NO, moron, that is because I am not mentally retarded, I am criminally insane.. That usually shuts them up LOL

Lilith,
I'm not retarded. I hate to say it but that made me laugh. My two teenagers started treating me as if I became completely stupid two years ago right after my diagnosis. I have had this for almost 20 years I just had never been diagnosed. I have told them repeatedly i did not get stupid overnight just because my mood swings and personality changes have a name. I do think that in a very broad way there is a lack of understanding and as soon as the word mental and not physical illness is used it sometimes becomes somehow distasteful and or not valid. I run into this sometimes anyway. I am having a good visit with my son but we are not going to see the movie till next week. More car issues. No biggee we can wait. I had to have a complete and very intense examination by a forensic psychiatrist for my case and I just got the report in yesterdays mail. It was a little unnerving. It makes me uncomfortable when people know things about me that I don't think I have let them see. I know it is his profession but it still is weird to me. Which in his report he says is one of my personality traits. It just made me feel kind of out of sorts I guess but I couldn't pinpoint the exact emotion. Talk to you girls later. Everybody hang in there.

Im kind of embarressed to talk about this, I dont think I have a severe case of it yet, but I have a very bad temper and I have broke alot of nice things, i slam things around and it just seems i just have alot of anger in me, i try to go to the gym and work it off all my fustrations, sometimes it helps sometime it dont.

ga scarlet, it always makes me laugh too but it is so annoying.. People really look and treat you different.. Little whispers ,"shes crazy you know ", then you really would like to put your foot up their rear just to show them what crazy is LOL
I know what you mean about having people know things about you and I am sure sorry about the car problems.. Wish you the very best and keep us posted

Dana , I do the same thing.. when I WAS working, I knocked the med cart over and would throw the water pitcher and cups of hot tea against the wall and one time I came in for my second shift and was getting report from the day nurse, she had meds and a bunch of orders she had not done and wanted me to do it, normally I was such a nice person so when I reached down and knocked off every pill she had up on the counter and pushed her ( she was about 6ft and I am 5ft 5when I stand on my toes) I just started cussing and she sent me home and they were all shocked and whispering as I was leaving . Then came the time when we had a 53 yr old man who was an alchoholic and he was going through DTs, he would masturbate and throw it on the girls and try to fondle every one, I was in one of those crazy moods and he started it, I snapped and started cussing, he grabbed a metal walker and was going to hit me , then I knocked him down and just went beserk. Of course, I was sent home, and 4 hours later 5 squad cars came to arrest me.. I was going to be charged with a class x felony but the administrator went to bat for me and the fact he was only 53 saved me. I had a huge fine and Know longer work..( they frown on knocking the patients out in nursing LOL)
I find the older I get I am much better or maybe it is because I have no little kids around and am alone and go know where .
That exercising sounds like a wonderful idea. I am trying to walk every morning but only did about 5 blocks today.

Hey guys. I got home a little while ago from taking my son back to his dads. He is like a little tornado. I love him but he wears me out.
We had fun though. I am hanging in there. I think I am just going to let my parents deal with their own car because after asking for my help and my doing a crapload of research and printouts they have decided to fix their junker and nurse it along for another six months. I give up. Who can deal with parents. My kids can't deal with me either. Ha Ha. Okay I am off to the shower and bed. Talk to ya tomorrow.

Hey Girls, What is everybody doing? I haven't heard from any of you. I hope everyone is okay. I am back to my regular routine. Just kind of hanging out at the house. I had my PSR interview. It seemed like it went ok. Now I just have to wait and see. You guys let me know how you are doing. I miss our chats. Try to smile everybody.

Hello ga scarlet. I haven't been here in literally weeks. I am literally losing it. I quit taking all my meds. I hate being numb. I can feel the pressure building inside of me and the meds keep me from letting it out and I just can't believe that it is healthy. The tears ducts are the only place on your body that releases the chemicals produced by stress. God put them there for a reason.

I thought I was losing my mind last week. I was disoriented and confused. I quit taking my little cocktail altogether. I am leeching my system. The only ones I still take is the one for my kidneys, a vitamin and a birth control.

I was on the Depo-Provera shot. I took it for birth control before Jason came home. It was my only option given my age, I smoke and diabetes. Even though Jason wouldn't have anything to do with me, I stayed on it, because I have raging PMS and I know that my periods are having a lot to do with my mental state. They took me off in March because they found it is causing osteoporosis. Well, I have been having my period for the last 4 months. Then, last Tuesday, not this past Tuesday, I started hemmoraghing. I got so bad I couldn't stand up. I had cramps so bad all I did was cry. Nothing would help and I was getting weaker and weaker. I called my doctor Monday and they put me on this birth control to stop it. Then Tuesday, my legs started hurting, my spine and my head felt like someone was sawing the top of it off. Wednesday, I called my doctor and told them what was going on and they called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. My blood pressure was super low, I lost part of my total body fluids and my bone marrow couldn't keep up with the blood loss. I lay there for 6 hours getting fluids pumped into me. I guess I slept most of the time. They wouldn't even let me go to the bathroom. The nurses had to change me every hour. By then I didn't give a s**t.

I still can't do much and I can't bend over and stand up. I have been dumping water into myself by the quarts. My boys have been awesome. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cooking the meals, doing the dishes, and taking care of me. Usually they won't touch anything.

The doctors have said I have to have a hysterectomy. Yesterday, I just cryed for hours. I am scared of what will happen. On the one hand it could be great and all my problems would be over because I know a lot of my problems are hormonal. And on the other side, it could cause even worse problems. If anyone has had one or knows someone who has, give me some feedback. I am going to a major hospitals woman's clinic and getting everything tested. I know I have fibroids and poly-cystic ovary disease. I haven't started menopause yet. I have another issue that I really don't want to post about, that is a huge factor and the one that is bothering me the worst and making me upset all the time. If any of you can give me any info, PM me and I will tell you. July has not been my best month this year.

That's an awful ordel you've been through lunachild. Yes I've had a hysterectomy and I've never been sorry. Now that's me so I can't speak for anyone else of course. That's wonderful that your boy's are helping you. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Hi ga scarlet, You sound good and I'm glad your PSR interview went well.Still trying to stay cool here.lol..... How are you doing with this heat? Isn't it awful? It looks like rain today.

Hi everyone!!!!

It is very cloudy here and not even really that hot. Only about 104 haha. I'm feeling pretty good. Luna I'm going to PM you right now. You must have the best boys in the world. I send them both a big hug cuase they are so good to their mom. Hi Val.

I know I am bi-polar(axis ll) whatever that means. But my first indication of bi-polar episodes, that I can recall, are when I was five. So I was born with it. I realized it one day in counceling. My dad wouldn't take me to Sunday school and I literally trashed the whole damn house. I remember doing it. I am trying to figure everything out. I have had 40 years of a little bit of everything and I am wondering how to catagorize it. I always catagorize everything. It is the only way I can manage things. I can't get past algebra. Never have been able to. So I have made a waterfall in my head, and the "water" is algebraic equations. I put things to traumatic to deal with behind there and I can't get to it and it can't come out, unless I learn how to do algrebra. I had a counselor one time tell me I was going to blow a fuse one day and she was right. I have a serious mental block to algebra and my counselor told me until I can deal with things, I will never accomplish math. I use it for mental protection. You wanna talk about racing thoughts. She told me that I think to much about about thinking. I have a very high IQ and I am so afraid of literally losing my mind, that I keep thinking non-stop, trying to sort things out, so I don't, and in the long run I am probably actually doing myself in. Does that make any sense to anyone? I am so absolutely severely depressed the mania phases never get above any stage to an actual point of happiness. I really can't remember the last time I was happy. Actually happy. I know this has affected my kids bad. I had a severely depressed mother. I know now the damage that caused. She wasn't bi-polar though and neither one of my boys are.

Most of the rages occurred during my period. Of late, they were homicidal. I was totally psychotic during my periods. I have been cycling bad for most of my lifetime. The rage I carry about my ex and Jason and myself for letting them do it to me and the guilt about my kids is overwhelming. Jason put me right over the edge. I need to let go of this rage and anger but I don't know how. I have been crying for almost two weeks. I don't know if I am having a nervous breakdown or not. I hate being weak and sick. This mess I just went through has put me way down.

I am sorry this is so long, but I am a very prolific writer, and writing is the only way I can make sense of things. I can actually put my thoughts in order because I have to take the time to think. I know I should journal but I am begging for someone to hear me. I have been told several times I should write a book. The way I write it would be several volumes.

I remember my bedtime stories being from the tomes of Edgar Allen Poe and the Bible. Now how damn twisted is that? I was talking to one of my landlords one day and we got into a conversation about the Florida Keys and that led to Earnest Hemingway. He asked me when Hemingway was in the Keys and I told him 1956. He said '57 and "you are smart". I told him not to even go there with me and he said, "No, really. I know people with college degrees that wouldn't have known that"! Then I told him about being raised with Poe and the Bible for bedtime stories and he said it was no damn wonder I was crazy:).

I know now that I suffer from attachment disorder. Never having any demonstrative love or affection. I can't ever remember any love or affection. Neither of my parents showed it. I have always been looking for love, but I always chose men weaker than me. Because of not having any control inside, I try to control the outside forces. That is the one thing killing me and I can't stop it. Being so absolutely alone. Never being loved or held or touched. I pick men I end up resenting or detesting. I tryed to dump all this love inside me on the boys, but my ex used to accuse me of wanting to have sex with my oldest one so I wouldn't go near him. That has destroyed him and now he is on meds and seeing a psychiatrist. The rage inside of him is palatable. I have to deal with that all day, everyday. And the other one is autistic, in his own world and does not like to be touched. I can't even love my kids.

I am in so much mental anguish and I don't know where to go. I think I should be admitted and my counselor probably will. She just about has, twice, but I convinced her I had to take care of the kids. My girlfriends now realize I am in seriously bad shape and they told me that if I need to be admitted they will come here and stay with my boys. I think I am going to have to. I am getting to the point where I just can't fight myself anymore and I just need to let go. I would be in a excellent mental hospital and my therapist and psychiatrist would see me there. I have to have a hysterectomy and that might solve some issues as far as hormones are concerned. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My one boy, who is 17 now, used to tell his friends that he was going to have a cabin in the woods and when his wife was having her period, he was going to take his kids and leave. I told him that not every woman is like this when she has her period. I have other problems too.

Now when he sees something coming on, he grabs his brother and takes off. He also tells me he is going to get a really good job, buy a big piece of property and build his house and put a trailer on it for me and my autistic one. He knows that he is one who is going to end up caring for us and for a 17 yo he is pretty astute and responsible. He is having mental problems too, but we are dealing with it. It took me a long time to get someone to believe anything was wrong with him. I knew there was but no one else thought so. His is from living with me and his father abusing him. He has learning disabilities. He is 18 in Dec. and just got to the 10th grade. His brother told him, "Hell, you had 3 years of 9th grade, you didn't have any reason not to get it right eventually"!:) He will never be able to actually graduate at this point(he'll be to old before he can, they kick you out of the high school at 21) so he is going to Job Corps and training to be an electrician. This is a totally excellent program and if anyone knows a teen(16-24,without a record) they get job training, their diploma or GED, paid an allowance (the longer they stay there it goes up), clothing allowance, housing, food, drivers license, they take them shopping, to the movies, etc...., a big rec center on campus and it is all paid for by your state. No weapons, drugs(they are tested) or violence or your automatically dismissed. They provide transportation home for holidays or emergencys and come and get them and take them back. Medical facilities on campus. This is his only chance for a life.

I am getting him diagnosed, meds and psychiatric help first, and letting him do high school until he is ready to go alone. He isn't ready yet. He is to immature. His problems are locking him in. I moved to this little town to get them away from the drugs and gangs. I went to this school and I figured everyone knowing my family would make it easier for them and it did. The city school wrote him off as a bad seed and ignored him. His one saving grace was his principal, who used to teach at this little school and knew me and my brother. He knew where Jordan got his attitude from! I went to the guidance office, told her everything, she got with his IEP team, and they jumped on getting him help. They got both of them mentors, a D&A counselor from a childrens home that teaches in the high school and a former PO who teaches there and Jordan really hit off with. He lives in the city we moved from and he talked to the cops there and got the low-down on them. Jordan can't give these guys any s**t they haven't already heard so he's wasting his time trying to play these guys. They keep him under control. They wrestle with him and bounce him around. He's a rough kid and never had any positive male role models who would play like that with him. He is a huge kid and can hold his own so I don't care. He needs it. My brother comes down here and bounces both of them all over the place. His father just bounced him into corners all the time. He was starting to play with gangs and I knew I had to get them the hell out of there if I was going to save him. My brother told me this place was for rent and called the guys who own it. I live on a hunting camp, private property, in the middle of the woods and only a dirt road in and out. I basically isolated us until we can get it together again. It is going slow but it is going. We are getting there. This school is a blessing. With IEP's and 504 educational plans I can get anything done. Federal law(IDEA). I have become one hell of an advocate. I don't let them push me around or ignore my kids needs. I have been doing it since my autistic one was in kindergarden. We didn't realize what was wrong with Jordan until 7th grade. The city school wouldn't do anything for him. The school here called his principal and he told them, "Give him his assignments and leave him alone and you won't have any problems with him". He gets in trouble because he is very intelligent and he puts questions to the teachers that p**s them off. Like about the teachers unions being one of the top 10 lobbyists in Washington, DC. Damn, he lit that place up with that one.:)

Luna, I am glad to see you on here. It sounds like you are spinning a little or maybe a lot. I hate that too. There is no shame in needing a rest and getting stabelized (sp). I can't spell since I quit working. I'm never sure if anything is right. If the hospital is good and your doctors are good it might help but you have to be okay with it. I don't want you to feel like I am trying to tell you what to do. I just want you to know that I am listening and I support your decisions. I know they are hard to make. I have been in the hospital twice in the last two years. Once to stabelize and once for an attempt so it was an involuntary hold. Both times I was better for it after so it worked out for me. Please don't be down on yourself for your boys you love them that is obvious to me and I bet it is to them too. Write as much as you want or need I'll read it all. It sounds like you moved them to the right place. My kids school out here is a disaster. I had to notify them my daughter was truant. They hadn't figured it out even though she had missed 18 days in one month with no excuses from home. They were very releived when I put her on home study. They just wanted to be rid of the problem not help with it.

Talked to my daughter today who is Bipolar too and she is on zoloft , she is also 7 months preg with her 4th child. She says the zoloft has worked miracles for her.
I was on Zoloft and Depakote about 4or 5 yrs back and I was so calm and even keeled that is scared me LOL but about 9 months later I started getting sick again and went completely nuts, loosing ,yet , anothe job due to it . My meds were change and nothing ever worked for me like that combo did.

Luna, I was totally psychotic too when it was around my period and spent a life time since child hood like you with being bipolar but when I was a child they did not have that label for me. As I said, I have been on every thing and they all made me sick , tired, unbalanced and I just can not live that way so I do not take them. I still go off, the day before yesterday , the creature that lives next to me had his stereo blasting and it is always late at nite all night, I could feel the vibration from his bass , before I knew it I picked up a cast iron chinese lantern and threw into the wall, he did quiet down for a bit . I could feel my self building up for days, I have been agitated and talking excessively and writing and pacing so I knew something wicked this way comes. Now , I am tired and listless and am suppose to leave out in morning for my visit and I just can't do it. that 10 hr. round trip in this intense heat with a car that I am unsure about to sit for 4 to 6 hrs. pretending that life is wonder and fighting that possed vending machine, I just can not do it. I know he will be worried but I can't and I won't so I am just going to bed and perhaps tues I will be able to do it.

Good luck Luna ! Oh, I had been in and through menopause at 42. My symptoms started in my early thirties but I did not realize that is what was happening until period had stopped at 42 and I went to DR. , actually for my bipolarism and high blood pressure and she ran tests and said I actually in the end stages of meno pause.

They have tested me three times for hormonal inbalances. They p**s me off, because I live in this damn miserable body and mind and I know damn well SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY GOING ON! The Depo shot stopped my periods and I was able to manage. DUH??????!!!!! HORMONES in play here you friggin idiots. My psychiatrist told me to go to a major hospital and get a complete, detailed workup done. Well, hell is knocking on the door and it is time for me to go.

Another aside, I am a very spiritual and very intuitive person. On meds, I can't be trusted to roll out of bed in the morning and manage. I am numb and indifferent. Off meds, I may be bouncing like a damn superball, but I am alive and I can think and feel and my gut kicks in and I can function better on my gut reactions. (As a matter of fact it just kept me from making a huge, disasterous mistake with Tyree. He is out of the picture.) I called my best friend at midnight and she knows me like a book and she confirmed everything I was feeling and assured me that I was right. Can't quite trust myself yet to make descisions. But, only after a week, it kicked in. I have lived on my intuition and it has never been wrong. The pills stop me from feeling that. I need it. I need the sick feeling I get when I know something is wrong. I need the hairs standing up on my arms and neck when I am in the presence of pure evil. It has been my mind and souls only protection. I know to back away from something. I need to be able to think fast and furious. I need to be able to read people and feel people so I can react. I miss my dreams that come true. I was having them for a reason and even though they scared me, it was my spiritual connection. I miss my de'ja vus. I always equated them to God letting me know that I was in the space I was suppose to be in at that point in time and I was making the right descisions. These were my safe points. The meds kept me from feeling my spiritual self and they are to much a part of me and how I have managed to survive this long, to sacrifice for the sake of being a zombie or robot that fits into mainstream society and doesn't kick up a fuss. I don't fit, never have, don't give a rat's a** whether anyone likes it or not! I will just be a "colorful character", crazy as hell, big-ass ball, bouncing through my life. I hate being dumbed and numbed.

My message on my answering machine:)-"Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man"! My friends laugh, my kid's friends know I'm nuts, tight-a**es hang up;)! You can tell I am on a major manic spiral.

I don't think I can handle men in my life. They want to own me, run me, want me to fit the mold, and like my mom used to always say, "God broke that one"! I won't ever let any damn man tell me what to do.

I loved my grandpa(he wasn't wrapped to tight;)) and I think he knew. He used to tell me either "Your as crazy as a sh*t-house rat" or "Your as crazy as a rat in a tin sh*t-house".


One of my favorite songs: Roger Miller-"Playing solitare til dawn, with a deck of 51, counting flowers on the wall, doesn't bother me at all, oh, don't tell me, I have nothing to do.... :cool:


Ciao

PS: If it wasn't for us crazies :thumbsup: , how would all the buttoned up tight-a**es in this world justify their existance? :p

lilthinwaiting-I know just exactly how you feel. I hate the meds. I have a real bad time with noise. I wonder if that is a common thread. It puts me into an absolute rage. That damn thumping. I just wanna choke someone when I hear that. But when I'm listening to music I will either be dancing around the house or drumming on the table. I'm a thrower too;).

When Jason was still here, I was losing it. He wouldn't have anything to do with me, hurt me so bad I still haven't gotten over it. One day I was in a solid red rage. I went outside, got the wood maul and proceeded to destroy my bedroom. A friend was here and he said the scariest thing was totally no expression on my face. Then I looked at him, smiled, set a table in the middle of the room and one slice, cut it in half. I did the whole bedroom suit. Jason put on his shoes and started running down the road;)! He said later, "Christ Nancy, you were swinging that maul like Thor". Guess you don't wanna pi** me off then! ;)

I used to always tell him(Jason)that I could hit him in the head with my baseball bat, drop him down a mine shaft on the mountain, pour a bag of lime down there, drop a big rock to hold him down, tell his PO he absconded and I didn't know where to(he has a record of doing that). Who in hell would bother looking for him?:) No wonder he never slept with me or waited until he was sure I was asleep :D !

One day I got this phone call. This guy tells me he graduated from high school with me and my now-ex is having an online affair with his wife. He told me he had everything on disc if I wanted it for evidence in a divorce. Then he called my ex and threatened to blow his head off. Ex was running around closing the curtains all the time and I would follow him and open them again. He goes, "He threatened to shoot me. What if he hits one of the kids"? I replied(so lovingly :D ), "He's a damn redneck. They all know how to shoot. He's NOT gonna miss".

Sometimes I just enjoy myself to much! Can't beat it so I might as well have fun with it. Better than sitting around a zombie or feeling sorry for myself. I know I am psycho. I just need a playmate that will love me for it :thumbsup:.

I seriously think I need to be admitted. One hour a week of psychotherapy and the occasional med check with a psychiatrist is not enough time to effectively deal with the issues I have. I am seriously rolling right now. I can't stop it. I had to see my doctor today and even though he thinks I am funny as hell, he knows I am on a merry-go-round and I even had him rabbitty before I got out of there.

Things are working with me and the oldest. We had a BIG talk the other night and he is starting to act like a grown up. He will be 18 in Dec. and acts like he is 13. He is trying to pull himself together. I told him he has to do the things he can do and with the meds, psychiatrist and mobile therapist and his mentors, he can work on the rest. I told him no one can do this for him and he has to make a choice about how his future is going to pan out. He is to worried about what others think.

He(my doctor) doesn't think I need a hysterectomy. He is advocating for hormonal treatment. He said a hysterectomy right now would put me right through the floor and unless it is absolutely life-threatening, I am not a canidate for one. The abdominal surgery I had, diabetes and asthma put me at to high a risk. But he agreed with the psychiatrist that I need to have a major workup done on everything. He said if I need a referance(because of Medicaid) to have whomever I choose to see, fax him and he will send one. I have a great doctor. I am going to make an appointment at a major hospital in their woman's clinic. I need to coordinate all these drs and get something done.

Very few people understand us LOL I like to think we are just sensitive souls~grins~
I can't take bright lights either. The noise factor just sends me off the deep end. It's strange how that seems to be common denominator. They can put man on the moon but they can't find a way to get us balanced out so we can become like the rest of the mouseketeers. Go figure!
Right now I am getting in that low non feeling stage. I still can't get myself in the frame of mine to go to that prison . I keep putting it off Can't sleep ,yet I am tired. DUh, maybe that is why I am tired, I can't sleep LOL I have always had trouble living with people and that troubles me because I am going to have to do just that once this prison sentence is over with . I lay awake alot thinking , do I really want this, I never have wanted someone with me and I have made the commitment but I am really not sure I can do it. Of course, a week from now or tomorrow I will have a different point of view.

Yea, we may be crazy but we have fun with it and I don't take it so serious. What else are you going to do. They frown upon you killing people so that takes the excitement down a bit but I can dream about it~smiles~

Have a good one!

gascarlet-Is the school district paying for her education? They HAVE to pay for her education, no matter what. Does she have an educational plan?, a 504 or a IEP. You can make them do what they have to with that. It gives you all the power and say in her education.

They were going to take Jordan away from this teacher that is a PO. I told them they have to do something to keep him with this guy. They(the IEP team) offered a mentoring program and they talked to this teacher and he said he would mentor both boys. Then the D&A counselor volunteered to jump into the fray too. So I killed two birds with one stone. This school has been totally awesome. They got him into counseling and they are trying to line up this mobile therapist, a guy who use to be a guidance counselor and one the school knows personally, and they said Jordan is just the kinda kid he likes to get his hands on.

lilthinwaiting-You made me laugh. I know how you feel about living with someone. You can't manage your own a** and then to have to deal with all the issues having someone else there brings. It is to emotionally overwhelming. You probably tend to make excuses and do s**t to drive others away. Just so you don't have to deal. I do it all the time. I can't live with anyone. At least my kids are strong and know whats going down and are old enough to understand when Mommys going sideways or over the top or edge. And we are sensitive souls. To sensitive! My doctors and therapists have all told me I don't belong in this world. I don't fit, I can't handle it. I am to gentle and to naive. My boy told me the other night that I can't handle the bad in this world. I can't deal with how fast the world is. A very bright and astute young man I have raised. He is pulling his act together because he sees his mom losing it and he knows he is the one that has to keep us going. He is maturing at a phenomenal rate. I see it everyday. Even the one who is autistic, is kicking in and getting things done around the house, because mom can't quite get it together right now. And mommys a hell of a lot more fun when she is bouncing. At least I am not in a heap, crying. Or in a drug induced stupor. Things are a lot more raucous around here; mom's nuts, Jordans hyper and angry and Juss is so hyper he never stops moving for a second. We are all strong and bull-headed as hell and we make quite the circus act! But we laugh. And we seem to pull it together knowing we are all in this mess together. The meds put us on separate planes and divides us. We can't do that. We probably don't even know how to live together normally. We have never been "normal"! All we have is each other because either people can't deal with us or we scare them:). It will take someone really special to walk in here and manage.

God is so absolutely on my side and hanging in there with me! I don't know what I would do without my total and absolute faith. My friends, who know me inside and out, who have been calling here everyday, to make sure I am still within range and not totally blown. I just prayed the other day, "God do something here. You need to help me somehow!"

Well, I have been posting about my mental and health problems and how I know that one is exacerbating the other. But no one has pulled it together so I have to. I know I will always be bi-polar and depressed, ADD and attachment disorder, but I know that what is going on with my hormones is making it unmanagable and out of control. I said I was going to a major hospital's womans health care center and they are going to test every damn thing! I'll stay there until they do.

Well, last night, I was cruising WebMD, looking for everything, writing down things, writing down questions I have, etc... Then I hit the website of the hospital I want to go to. And lo and behold I found her in the gyn/ob site. She is a CRNP, a much older woman, which I like, and she specializes in...get this...."Women with complex medical issues, women who have mental, physical, social and spiritual issues related to their problems". It is like God sent me a guardian angel. I just cried. It was like, "Oh my God, someone who will get what I am talking about". It was an answer to my prayers. I am actually getting excited about making an appointment to see her, and I am lining up all my ducks in a row. My doctor, my psychiatrist and my therapist. I am going to make the appointment and arrangements to get there, and have all my records faxed to her before my appointment. I am writing down everything that I feel is wrong, questions I have, etc. so I don't forget anything. I have been advocating for my kids for years and now it's time to advocate for myself. I am not going to go on living like this.

Luna, I am so glad you found a doctor that sounds like she has a good grip on the different components you are facing. Yea!!!! You are doing the right thing taking charge. They paid for her schooling. She did her assignments at home and then went to school once a week at the school district office to take her tests and turn in the work. We actually enjoyed the time. This september she is starting school in her dads district back at regular school. She is ready to make a fresh start. She has done so well in couseling with her dad and she has a real goal. She has already talked to the counselor at school to find out what to do to catch up her grades from last year so we are feeling pretty positive about her now. You sound so much better and positive Let us know if you get to see this doctor She sounds very interesting. Okay Curious, Val Where are you guys.

Hey ga scarlet! I'm here just too hot to post.LOL! I wonder where Curious is myself.I hope she's OK as I hope the same for all in this forum.HEY GIRLIES LETS HEAR FROM YOU !!!!!

I jsut took my kids back to their dads last night. They visited for 8 days this time. I am wore out. I need a good rest after that one. We had a really good time though. We had a movie festival at home one day. We went to the childrens discovery museum another day and my son and I saw Charlie and the Chocolat Factory on the Imax big screen. It was great fun. The only down side is the pool at our apartment is as warm as bathwater. We didn't swim much. My husband is taking me to an early dinner at Tony Romas as a reward for keeping it together so well this week and just because he is a good guy. So I'm am off to the shower to make myself pretty. Talk to you guys soon. Take care everybody.

hellooo all!!! Lots of stress the last few weeks, computer acting up, car broke down, katie depressed again....but I got a brand new car and think I got the glitches out of the computer.

School starts in a few weeks, should have more time then I hope!!

I wanted school to start the day after it let out:) Even they are anxious now. Bored to tears and psycho mom is no way to spend a summer.

I read an article posted on Domestic Violence forum, "Romeo Bleeding" and it IS Jason. I just cried. We should have never met, two worlds that should have never collided. Now I know what happened and it is neither of our faults. He can't help himself and I am the way I am and I need to learn to defend myself from predatory people. But it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I always have to have answers. A reason. I had to learn to accept the fact that my boy was autistic and there is nothing I can do about it. It made it easier to accept the fact that what is the matter with Jason is pathological and he will be for the rest of his life, it takes out any other elements. He is basically incapable of forming a relationship with anyone. I'm good now. I can be his friend.

I am on Prozac now and I haven't felt better in 20 years!!!!! I even laughed yesterday. Really laughed and laughed. It totally lifted the depression and the apathy. And gave me energy. I feel like a whole different person. God, I love my doctor. He has wanted me on this since he met me, even wrote a letter of recommendation to my psychiatrist.