I know we all go through this....some times it is harder than others. I am really struggling. *sigh* I am supposed to be his rock...

It seems that as soon as we get through one crisis another one pops up. First it was his typewriter...then his father had quadruple bypass surgery...then his cell got hit hard a few times in one week (for no reason that we can pin point)...He's really bummed out to say the least. And those are just his issues...there is a whole other set that are my own.

I guess I am finding it harder because I have read tons and tons of posts lately about people's loved ones coming home. I couldn't be happier for them !!! :) To be honest there are parts of me that are extremely jealous...He isn't coming home...he's on death row *ugh* I feel like there is nothing to look forward to.

I have shared with him how I am feeling...I have told him how unfair I think it all is that the person I have met and fallen in love with, my soul mate is on death row....that I have been a good person all my life...that I have good enough for the both of us...that he needs to be set free !!! I know silly logic. *sigh* What compounds things is that I feel so alone in this journey...besides him I have no support from my friends and family. The only person that has a slight idea as to how much I feel for him is my sister and she's been very negative about the whole thing :( He's tried to explain to me since the beginning that it would be this way...that all we would have is each other...that society wouldn't accept us. I didn't listen, I thought that I was special, that my support system would accept what ever choices I made...I was wrong !!!

He called the other night and said..."You know sweetie I have told you time and time again that your presence in my life has removed the bars and concrete walls...you are all I can see and it is an amazing feeling." He has told me this many times. However he went on to say that "it also saddens me...I find myself pining in ways I never have before. Long ago, I accepted my fate and cut myself off from the outside world...I had no real desire to be a part of it. Your presence has left me yearning and pining for you. I wish things could be different, that I could be free and we could be together...and you could have the life you deserve." It broke my heart to hear him say that. He also said that he understood if it was too much for me...it was like he was giving me an out. I told him "when are you going to get it through your head I am not going anywhere." He let out a sigh and said "I knew you were going to say that but I just needed to hear it".

I am trying so hard to be his rock...he isn't writing like he used to...which is understandable...and I have been making sure to write him daily to try and push us past this low point. It is draining me...I feel helpless that I can't do more *ugh*

Please ladies I need some words of wisdom. What do you do during down times? How can I cheer him up?

Thanks for listening.

Sigh... I can feel every word you've written... although my inmate is a lifer, but so many of the feelings are the same. Never being able to know so many things that others do.

For most of this year, he has been able to make me feel happy for all we have, to live in the moment and cherish all of it. Now the last few weeks, it has gotten harder to appreciate that... harder to accept all that will never be.

I have to go back to that attitude he taught me in when I met him... to find one thing to look forward to each day, to realize we have something many people only dream of, to appeciate all we have instead of thinking about what we don't have. He taught me to see these things and now during the hard times, it's good to remember them.

I guess that's all I can offer... remember all the good things that brought you together and keep that spirit going. Remember you have something great that some people spend a lifetime seeking and never find.

Hope it helps... (((hugs)))

Hugs,
I Love reading your posts.. You always have so much insight. But sometimes its always hard to stay strong. Thats what your PTO family is here for. I believe it will do you a world of good to get the things off your mind you are stressing about and get all the wonderful responses from our PTO family.
I can tell you and your man have a very loving relationship. One worth all the things you both have to go thru.
I'm not exactly in your shoes. My guy was sentenced to 2.5 to 30 yrs. I cant even think it might be 30 yrs, but deep down I know it could be. We will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have no family support , a few friends are kind of ok, but they don't trust him..
Good luck to you and hope you are feeling better

Just remember you have us to support you. You are never alone. My man is a life but he does have a chance for parole and I worry that maybe he won't get it. I don't like to think like that and I try not to but it is possible. So I cna't imagine Death Row. He sounds like he really loves you and I can tell you have brought much joy into his life and that you love him also.

Thank you for your replies. I am feeling a bit better today.

Luann ~ you are right that PTO is here for me. Unfortunately my sweetie is not a fan of my posting here. I understand that privacy is very important to him...and he is always concerned about who is lurking or where the words of wisdom are coming from. I have explained to him time and time again that it isn't about him...it's about me and my need for support. He said do what you need to do !!!

We also have no secrets...so when I post I email him a copy of what I wrote...it really upsets him. I guess I could post here and not tell him but then I feel like I am being sneaky. I am not sure how to deal with this issue.

I suppose to some the notion that he doesn't like PTO is stupid...especially considering all the wonderful letters I have read from loved ones on the inside thanking PTO. It is not a conspiracy on his part...it wouldn't matter if it was PTO or any other site and considering his previous experiences, without going into detail I completely understand his reasons.

That is why I am reluctant to post about my feelings/issues/etc. I usually read other peoples posts and relate to their concerns and use the responses they received to get me through.

Qwerty ~ you are so right. I needed that reminder...I need to focus on what we have instead of what we don't have :) :) : ) Thank you.

Mrs Phil ~ Thank you...I hope your man gets parole !!!

Ice -- I know every relationship is different, but why share every post with him if it upsets him?

I don't share with my guy what I post here because to me PTO is MY therapy... it's about my own issues and I want and need that privacy. I wouldn't keep it from him if he asked, but he doesn't. (I also don't give out his personal details out of respect for him.)

I think your man not liking PTO is completely understandable where he is, I wouldn't call it stupid. But maybe you don't need to share every post with him, or just share the big stuff. I believe every person who's in a couple needs to have some things that are private. We are indviduals and there will always be some things even our soulmate can't help us with, and that's okay -- that's why we have friends and other people to round out our lives. That's my opinion anyway... it's not about keeping secrets, it's about keeping sane :).

PTO is the only place where a lot of us can share this stuff, since not even our best girlfriends understand.

I also really love all your posts and insight...

Qwerty ~ Good point.

Just to clarify...I only send him the threads I start that concern me/us....I think there has only been about 4 or 5 of them that I sent.

I agree that it isn't about secrets...and you are right there are things that he just doesn't need to know !!! My problem lies with something that happened early on in our relationship involving PTO. It was almost the end of us. It didn't involve cheating, another woman or jealousy or anything like that. In hindsight it wasn't really that big of a deal...but shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell him that *laughs* Communication has always been our strong point...so we talked through it.

I guess part of me in an effort to avoid it from happening again has just been keeping it all in...and trying to deal with it on my own. He isn't a controlling person...He's told me to do whatever I need to do. I guess this is something we should discuss. I should just tell him straight up how I am feeling about the whole thing and suggest that it's best if I keep PTO to myself. :) :) :)

Thanks Qwerty ~ I also really enjoy your posts !!!

I told Phil about PTO and I don't think he really understands the concept mainly because he has been away so long he doesn't understand how this whol computer thing works. But he seems to be happy that I have others that can give me support and I can share my feelings with. I have never sent him any posts from here.

((((hugs))))
I totally understand your words. About PTO, perhaps you could send him Con-tact news, and he can get an idea what we are about, support for families and there loved ones.
I always say that it is better to love than not love at all. I wouldnt change anything, my feelings, etc, for the person that I love on death row. It does have its ups and downs, like you will get 20 loving letters, then out of the blue, a bad day for them, and then insecurities, then you will get a letter like that. I normally find by the time I answer that letter, his mood has picked up again. All we can do is keep telling them we arent going anywhere, thats there main fear, of meeting somebody that they care about, just to find out that we are leaving them.
As for people that talk down about my feelings, they normally have some issues of there own that I dont talk down about, and I just think now, well I certainly have found my true friends, the people that respect me, my feelings and my decisions for the person I am. I guess in all relationships someone has to be the "rock" and sometimes its us, and sometimes it them. I know when my life has fallen apart, he has been there for me, with words of love and encouragement.
Just know we are here for you on PTO, and we can be your rock, when you have to be his, we are here for each other. (((hugs))) Holiday season is always a hard time of the year when you see people with there loved ones on the outside. What you are feeling is totally understandable.

Ice when i was reading your post it really felt like me talking. I understand you completely. But you have us here at PTO to support you when you ge this way. Charles gets defensive about what i post at times, they feel they basically have really nothing, and they dont really want to share what they have with you with the the world, he feels our relationship is private and I feel the same way!! But sometimes its very hard to deal with things when you really dont have the suppost of your family and friends.
I have also been in a funk, but it will pass..we just got to push ourselves.

i can tell you that i have first hand experience on what youre going thru. im about to marry my baby on death row. i dont regret a thing. its gonna weigh a toll on you any way it goes. dont get sad when you see others post that their man is about to come home. just try and let the love you have for your man see you thru. and if you ever need to talk im here for you.

Thanks RegisSweetness :)