This message will probably be rather long because I have had so much on my mind since my son's father got out on parole November 22. I knew there would be an adjustment period but this is ridiculous. He is soooooooooooooooo sensitive about everything and when I calmly try to explain things to him such as how I feel he thinks I am trying to argue. I am already a sensitive person so you could see how our personalities would clash. We love each other dearly but I keep trying to explain to him that I have lived alone as a single mother for so long (7 years) that I have a hard time cohabitating with someone and all that that entails both in parenting (We have a 2year old together and I have a 7 and 8 year old). Intimacy is never a problem. He is very affectionate, loving and helpful around the house, but he just keeps reminding me all the time how difficult I am to get along with which makes me afraid he will leave me. I keep telling him I wish he would be more understanding as I try to be for him but he just doesn't seem to get it. He is always either asking my permission to do everything or else fighting me tooth and nail about how I run my house. :angry: If that wasn't bad enough they told him he has 30 days to find a job (3 more weeks now) or else he will get locked back up (he is on house arrest). THis has been extremely frustrating and difficult because he has no GED, a record, no car, no sense of how to use public transportation and no confidence. So on the one hand I am trying to help and encouraged him but on the other I get mad that he is not trying hard enough. I almost feel like I am dealing with a child with no social skills. I have to call him at least 3-5 times a day while I am at work (and I teach!) just to get him through his agenda for the day. Could someone please give me some advice:eek: ! I love him with all my heart and just wish he could have a job so we could settle into some sense of peace.

Wow you are really dealing with it honey. It is so difficult to gain employment these days for people without prison records which makes it that much harder for those who must deal with that.

It is difficult to know what to say to them sometimes but you just need to lead with your heart. I feel for you because you have a child in common both a blessing and at the same time extra responsibility. How is he interacting with the kids?

He hasn't been home long at all so you've many hurdles to cross together and that is key: TOGETHER. I'll be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Stay strong!

All the best to you and your family,
Patty

I totally can relate My Husband & I went through the motions when he first came home.
They sent him to a halfway house. And then they sent him home two months later now he’s on home confinement. The first month he was home was real challenging he couldn’t find work and we were constantly butting heads about everything.

My advice is to give him some time to adjust he hasn’t been out that long. Keep encouraging him in the ways that you do. This is not an easy transition but it doesn’t help matters by stressing even more over it.
Have him look in to temp agencies for work, my husband went through them and didn’t have any problems finding work. He got hired on permanent with a company and is making good money.
So you just never know. I know the pressure can be hard on both of you especially with the time restraints they put on him. Also keep communicating to him. I had some similar issues as you. At first I felt like I was just wasting my breath, but I just kept on communicating to him my feelings. After a while when things started to settle down a bit. He heard me and works hard at correcting things.
Best of luck to you.
Blessings

Thank you for your experience and encouragement. It feels good to know someone else has survived this and moved on.

I just wanted to say, hang in there, do not give up!
My fiance got out in June and we are struggling right now, he lost his job 2 months ago, but at least he is staying home taking care of our 2 children which saves us $350/week in daycare expenses. He, like your husband, is often telling me I am so moody and why can't we just get along, etc, etc. Ironically, thats how I feel about him most days, too!!! It's extremely frustrating to feel like everything should be working out so well when they get home, but in reality, we are begining a new world of trials most days.

Be strong and know that we are all here for you. If you ever need to talk, PM me :)
((((hugs))))

Hang in there...it sounds like he is really trying hard to adjust and he is having a hard time overcoming these hurdles. Keep being supportive and doing what you have to do to help him. It can very trying at times, but it will all fall in place. He is used to being told what to do and when to do it so he expects you to be that way with him. I can understand it is hard on you and as time progresses he will get used to life on the outside. Keep pushing and never give up! He will adjust...it just takes time. I wish you both the best.

I feel you!
You have captured the two things I'm most afraid of when my man gets out, namely how I'm going to react to fitting him into different aspects of my life. I, too have been a single Mom for 7 yrs, and though it isn't always perfect, I do a decent job of holding it all together, and am proud of that, and not only that, I'm mainly pretty happy. (Without a man taking up all my energy I've developed a pretty rich life, lots of friends, projects, etc.. ) When I get cold feet about T moving in here I mainly worry about how I will react, not him. Blending a family is hard. The most common reason for second marriages to break up is because of friction over parenting styles. I'll notice myself getting prickly sometimes over the most innocent comments he makes about my kids--even things I know I should be happy about. For instance once he said "I'm going to teach him (my son) how to play football. When I look at his picture I see that he can achieve great things. you may not know that about him..." (something like that) My response was NOT "gee, that's great that you want to spend time with him, I know that he is hungry to have a man in his life." (which is what I wish I would feel) It was much more along the lines of "what makes you think that you know more about him from looking at a picture than I do after growing him in my belly, suckling him at my breast and doing everything else for him on a daily basis over the last 7 yrs? GRR!" I know that for him to bond with the kids and love them, (which they and I DO want) he's going to have to feel confident that he's needed, and that he's a good father. I know that! But I'm not sure I am ready to admit that my kids need anything but ME.
You also brought up my other big issue, which is helping him start over financially, support him through getting his education (I'm way more educated than him) without either of us getting the idea that I think I'm better than him. I don't, but on the other hand it is true that I really don't need him to get by and he's going to need me in a lot of ways. Also, he has a more traditional view of male/female relations than I do. He has always been the breadwinner in his relationships before. He "brings home" a paycheck to show his love. I think he thinks about this very literally. IE he actually fantasizes about the day when he will hand me a paycheck. I'm preparing myself to treat that paycheck as the valentine it will be, and not let it raise my hackles (assuming, please God!, that there will be a paycheck!) but truth is, I have quite a lot of my sense of myself bound up in NOT needing a man to support me. So this will present a bit of a dilemma. I think I'm probably ready to appreciate him for what he is, so probably it will be OK, but I'm not sure the fact that there may be issues for me has even entered his radar.

Oh well, way more than you wanted to know I'm sure. But anyway, thanks for the post. Hang in there!

Neither my husband nor I have kids - either together or from previous relationships, so I can't tell you that I understand that aspect of his homecoming.

I can tell you, though, that it's tough when they come home. For almost 2 years I had formed habits, worked, and done everything on my own. I had proven that I didn't have to have Wayne in my life, but that I wanted him in it. I had also become passionate about getting him out of prison and spent every waking hour trying to figure out what I could do to bring him home. Suddenly he's home and in a way it was a shock to my system. I found that I was so pissed at him for getting locked up in the first place and it took a while for me to resolve that anger.

I had to remind myself why I fell in love with him in the first place. What was that "thing" that made me drive 7 hours for a 4 hour visit? I had to be patient with him and he had to be patient with me and in a short time, everything fell back into place.

Hang in there...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.