Hi all !

I have just recently started writing to somoene on death row.:) I know that i will have to be strong emotionnaly because there's going to be some hard times.:(But my main question is : Is there some things that i should not write about, some things i should not say or mention ?:confused: Why i'm asking this is because i do not want to upset this person in any way. I would like to have some comments from people who are already writing to death row inmates.:)

Thanks !

Mellie

I think one of the keys to any great penpal relationship is to NEVER ask about their crime. Let them tell you in their own time. In addition with a DR penpal...never talk about their sentence until they do.

I disagree somewhat...I think you have to feed off of the relationship and the type of person you are writing. My guy and I have a very open and honest relationship and I have come at him with some very tough questions since the beginning.

My other pen pals on death row...I have also be upfront about what I know about their case. I agree that I would not ask about specifics about their crimes. They will most likely not be able to answer any questions or discuss details...as they must protect their appeals !! You never know if the letter will be read before you receive it.

I approach it like any other relationship...there are certain friends in our lives we can say to and ask about anything and their are others that you can't. As you exchange more and more letters then you will get a better feel for what you can and cannot say or ask.

Hi Mellie and welcome to PTO :D

All I can suggest is just be yourself, the person you are, and be that way in your letters, the person you are, and you will have a great friendship develop. What iceblue said is excellent advice as well. As for there crime, they will open up and talk about it when they are ready. Happy Writing!!

Hi Mellie,

I absolutely agree with Ice and Kyla. I write to DR-inmates since a couple of years now and most of the guys started talking about their case on their own. I usually tell them at the beginning if they wanna tell me about their case that's fine for me...if not that is also fine for me. And I also let them know that I don't want them to talk about anything that could be used against them in any way. Usually they're pretty open and let you know with whom you deal with. But after a little time you'll find out yourself and get the feeling for the writing:-) But don't worry to ask something they don't wanna answer. They will tell you and I think that's ok then. Just write from the heart and they'll notice it and will be happy.

Greetings from overseas,
Peach

Peach that is so true.
My friends on death row have always said ask questions, the only wrong question is the one that you dont ask!!

Welcome to PTO. I have a DR pen pal and we talk about general things. I follow his lead and, by doing that don't make a mistake.

Absolutely right Kyla. I have a new penpal on DR in Texas and he wrote me in his first letter: "There is nothing you should not know about me and the more you know the easier it will be to write." So, this says everything, right? Some might not be this easy going, but hey, it's like in the "outside world" - everybody is different. But especially in this place of hell - the most want to talk about everything...lots of them have nobody they can talk to at all and that might be the reason why the most are so open.

Peach
:)

Peach I agree, all my friends are open like that. I think it helps develop a faster friendship as well, because you "arent treading water" with them, testing what is the right and wrong thing to say. I admit, some things are hard to talk about in mail, I never asked what the crime was, but was open about my life and found that they were open about theres. I always made it clear that i wasnt writing to be there friend to judge them, and either way, if they wanted to talk about it or not, that was up to them. Most replied what I quoted before, ask what you want, the wrong question is the one that you dont ask.

Kyla, I had to smile a little, that's exactly what I tell them always: I don't judge anybody, this is not my job on this planet and I leave it up to them if they wanna talk to me about their crime or not. It's fine for me however they decide.
I think when you write to a death row inmate you should be aware that they're not sitting in there because they drove over a red traffic light...even if there are enough innocent on the Row (but that's a different subject). You need to make clear in yourself if you can handle what they might did and try to get the person to know behind this crime or how they are now. Lots of them have changed and learned out of what they did and has grown. In all these years of my experience with DR-inmates I just had a problem with one penpal...he talked about his crimes like the weather (he killed 8 or 9 people) and he placed a teddybear next to the victims...and at the end of his letters he signed with "Love, Teddybear"
:no:
That was a hard one to take, even for me. But this man was really sick and mentally retarded, I'm sure. I don't think that he really realized what he has done.
But other then that, I only made good experiences and I really have to say I made some good friends and they definitely enrich my life! They bring as much brightness and joy in my life as I do in their's (I hope at least).

Peach

Hi all
my pen pal told me to ask qustions so i did and he asked me qustions too
and i can tell u we have a real good friendship
DR inmates well most want to be part of your famliy in a small way so most are honest
you will find with each letter it will get easy to write what you feel and it will help your penpal no you better and he will write you same way happy writing hun i wouldnt be without my pen pal

I posted this back in decemer i think, and i've been writing to this person on Florida DR and everything's been great. We have an open friendship, we ask each other many questions and it's been a wonderful journey so far. We write weekly, we are alike in many ways and we both think it's strange but very nice. :)
So, i do not regret writing to somoene on DR. It was the best thing i did.

Mellie

I am glad things are going well with your pen pal :) :)

Mellie, I am just curious how you decided who you wanted to write to? I think your profile says you found them on Lostvault. I'm glad you're writing - I'm sure it means a lot. I've just always been curious how a person chooses who to write to on DR. Personally, I think if someone told me of a person that just really had no one to talk to, got little mail or visits, etc., I would probably go by that. Don't know tho'......just a question.....:)

Mellie! Welcome to PTO, and enjoy your new friendship. I have been writing with my friend (also DR inmate) for one year now - he was very open about his case because of many things, but it took quite long before I really started to know what his life there on row really is... And it breaks my heart. Good luck to you, and lots of hugs.

Ebony's Spice : Well, i did find him on lostvault, and i went with the ad that appealed to me. He had over 1000 people who viewed his ad so that made me hesitate a little bit. I carried his address in my book for 1 month and finaly decided to send him a little card to present myself. He wriote back saying that he would be happy to correspond and that's how things started. It was the best decision, we are alike in many many ways, it's almost scary but we have developped a great friendship that i know will last a long time.

Mellie

Hi to all,

ehem....I`m new here. :-)
This Thread helped me a lot, because I had the same questions as Mellie28. I sent my first letter to someone on DR in TX three weeks ago. I was quite excited and wondering whether I would get an reply and if my letter wasn`t boring him or anything else - and last Wednesday I got a very nice letter back! :-) And he said, that I didn`t bore him at all, definitely caught his interest in corresponding with me and that he can discuss anything, that nothing I write will upset or offend him, because he is a very open-minded person. So the second letter was much easier for me to write :-) . Though I won`t start asking him about his case - if he one day likes to talk about it it`s fine to me, if not, fine too. Many say "my penpal is innocent" - if mine is or not doesn`t matter to me at all, I don`t see him as a "criminal" and I don`t judge him. He said "Maybe we can learn from each other" - that`s what I want to: being a friend for him and learn from him. And it seems, that he likes to be also a friend for me and learn from me, too.

Many Greetz from Germany,

Julia

Talk about anything and everything. Did you take the dog to the park today? Describe it in detail! It's not boring when life is the color of silly putty and you have me, myself & I for company.
I babble on like I would if we were sitting down for dinner. Have a conversation. Have fun. Laugh and cry, it's life. Tell him your fears, not so much about the whole DR thing, but about real life. Open and honest.
He likes to know what I'm up to. That I'm having a life, not pining away. It forces me to get out and live in a way, so I have something to write to him about.
The circumstances surrounding their living situtation is a 1000 pound gorilla sitting in the middle of the room. Until you know, it will weigh on your mind, his too. But it's hard to write about, too many eyes. And if they have non-contact visits, it could be taped. I'm sure his state has resources to research, if it's important to you. But does that change how your perceive him? Do you want to know? Are you ready for the responsibility? Whoa! That's the kind of heavy discussion that needs a silly card to be sent immediately! No different than if he was home.
Have fun! Life's too short!

I have two death row penpals one is in Mississippi the other is in Texas. They both told me from the beginning that i should feel free to ask anything i wanted or needed to know. I told them both that i had no need to know any details but at the same time was open to anything they wanted to talk about. I just let them know that i wasn't going to make any judgements. One of these guys has been there over 20 years and the other one 10 years so i imagine they are very different people now anyway. We have gotten pretty close and talk about a lot of things but not usually the crimes.

I think after a period of time you should be able to talk just about anything, there are some things you just cannot talk about concerning their case because of the mailroom. But I have yet to talk to my pal about his crime in any form of detail, nor has he offered , when i did ask something all i got was a short answer.
We have been friends and then some for along time and for him to keep me in the dark is making me feel like crap.

I understand that, Dana, I would, too. I don't have alot of details about my fiancees crime. He will only go so far, but could be because of the mailroom/appeals. They have to be careful what they write. Mine sent news articles and gave me the basic, but nothing really specific, such as why or anything like that.

i would say start off the conversations as a general introduction of yourself, let him respond then follow from there. remember that most guys on death row find i hard to trust peoiple and just blurting out questions about their crime can scare them off or humiliate them. id prefer to let them bring it up on their own until youve built up a comfort zone as friends and you both feel comfortable enough to speak on it. other than that talk to them like normal. theyre people too.

When writing to someone on Death Row-
First off, introduce yourself and describe your interests. If they respond, and ask for a photo, send a nice one of yourself, and also talk about general things that are part of
your daily life, basically what's been written in the thread.

I wouldn't ask about their crime unless you've been writing for awhile. I write to one guy on Death Row, and have been since August, and no mention of the crime. The other guy I just started writing to explained his crime in detail (I didn't ask about it).
So if they bring it up, I would be a little bit cautious until you develop a friendship/comfort zone.

One of my pals sends me articles about the death penalty. This experience will most likely change you-in a good way, I promise.

hi dear,
i have 2 good friends on texas dr and we talk about everything...so do feel free to share everything with ur friend too...THE ONLY EXCEPTION IS THE CASE: don´t talk about the case. letters will be read and u have to realize that they will. talking about the case could endanger ur friend seriously esp. if he´s still on appeals.....remember there´s no privacy about mail on DR´s, they spy anything you write there and vice versa!!!!!!!
what i do wish u is having a wonderful friendship with ur new friend on DR....and i hope u can bring sum light into his life...and he in yours!!!!
love to both of you
marcia

Hi all !

I have just recently started writing to somoene on death row.:) I know that i will have to be strong emotionnaly because there's going to be some hard times.:(But my main question is : Is there some things that i should not write about, some things i should not say or mention ?:confused: Why i'm asking this is because i do not want to upset this person in any way. I would like to have some comments from people who are already writing to death row inmates.:)

Thanks !

Mellie
Hi Mellie, I have been writing one man on DR for 13 years now, and he found me in a magazine... being from Germany I did not know what "death row"meant, not back then.... So I could really develope a great friendship with him before I found out... and what you can write them about, anything...
I write to a few more since then, people whose adress I got on the internet... I do as most here, I do not ask them about their cases, if they want to tell me, then fine, if not, thats also ok. I made some real good friends with most of them, I only had one I had a problem with, so eventually we stopped writing. But the rest is all great, some of them I would consider the best friends I ever had...
Good luck to you and your pen pal :)

P.S. The one I know for 13 years is no longer on the row, his sentence was changed to Life without parole at the end of 2003.. :thumbsup:

I think this tip may help in writing to DR inmates at San Quentin....


When writing to a male DR inmate think baby steps....

Do not ask all the questions in one letter....

Ask questions little bit at a time....

P.S. it will make the inmate happy that you are sending him so many letters...