Hi, I'm new to this site and grateful to find it, its nice to know I'm not the only one out there who chooses to "Stand by her Man in Prison"! My "Larry" is doing 2.5 years for battery charges (repeat offender) which only ever happens when hes drunk. He knows he can't drink & that this is the last chance he'll probably have to straighten his life out (not to mention our life together). I just don't know if it'll be enough. He's such a wonderful man when he isn't drunk & acting 10 foot tall & bullet proof, problem is he's lived that lifestyle for so long, I'm just worried about him getting clean after he comes home (November 2005)!

He was very unfair to me during these times and it took alot to even forgive him this last time he got arrested (we "were" supposed to be on our way to Disney when he went to the bar after work instead, he hasn't been home since, so much for our vacation). But I did forgive him (still trying to "forget"), and I've miss him terribly. One of my concerns is that I also drink but I don't feel I do it in excess, I control it - I don't let it control me. I'm asking for feedback on what advice you may have about how to support him when he comes home. We both really want this to work... I'm told by some I'd "better" quit drinking also if I'll be around him at all. Others say don't drink at home. Others (himself included) say it won't matter if he wants to - he will, nothing will stop him.

I personally feel that way too (since most times that he's screwed up he's usually not with me). But I don't want to play it by ear, and I don't want to lose him. Hope you can offer some advice.

I'd appreciate your feedback - Have a Happy Holiday everyone!

Carol

Carol & Larry :p
Together Again
November 9th 2005
*
I Miss You Baby!

Don't ever forget, but you can forgive him. I'm an addict and have done horrible things to those I love, mainly my kids, but I also was a codependant w/ my xhusband's addiction though I wasn't using when he was. All you can do is take care of yourself and pray he takes care of him. He CAN change IF he gets help for his addiction and works at it every day for the rest of his life. He also has to lose the old playplaces and playmates and find new sober people to hang out.

You can support his recovery but you can't do it for him! But you have to take care of you first, that's most important!

I am very glad to see you asking the questions and gathering information before his release. I feel that the release plans starts the day they enter!

I cannot tell you what to do, and I don't give advise. I can share with you what Fellah and I have decided.

We don't drink. We don't do any drugs. We keep each other clean and sober. Each of us has our own addiction, different than the other. So none of it will come into our home or lives.

We joke about it, we talk about it, we deal with it. Never make any subject taboo to talk about!

JJT

:) Hi, I'm glad to see some responses but I'm not getting the details I was hoping for... Will it be "too much" for him (though he says it won't) if I drink alcohol in his presence when he gets home? He HAS to quit since he doesn't know when to say "enough". But with all the turmoil he's put me through (and for all I know may contuinue to in time, but I'm SO praying NOT), I don't really feel I should change that about myself when I don't have the problems he does. So, I really don't want to quit, but I sure don't want to make it harder on him either. I'm hoping for some more feedback, any opinions will do. Does anyone know of a similar situation I could learn from?

I'd also really like to have a few Female friends to share stories with if you'd also be interested in a support system (I still have 11 months as of Jan 9th before my Larry comes home - we just had a "great" visit this past weeekend, he had another birthday in Prison, but at least we were together).
Happy Birthday Larry ~ 33 yrs old ~ Lawtey CI
P.S. ~ Do you know of anyone else in Lawtey CI?

Hope to hear from some of you soon~
Thanks, Carol

Carol---Wow we will be reunited about the same time---only a few days apart.

You must stop drinking---period. I suggest that the two of you attend AA/NA together. You may not be an alcoholic but you will learn lots of supportive tools in AA. He will have to stay away from alcohol. Alcoholics think they can drink just one!! But they cant and its hard for people to realize that. You may want to check with AA and see what they have for spouses---you may find a support group to attend until he is released. It will help occupy time and teach you alot.

I wish you the best. PM me if you would like---by the way I live in GA.

ONE

In my opinion yes, drinking in front of him is not a good idea. My suggestion to you is to go to ala-non and if you want to be supportive, learn as much about the
disease he has as you can. It's going to be very hard a temptation for him to walk away from at first, when he gets out, but the bigger his support, the better.

Hi guys, thanks to those who posted replies. I appreciate the support. I talked to a friend who suggested Alanon... I'm learning that its HIS drinking problem, not mine. And I can't (and shouldn't) make him, press him or stay on him to stop and/or take care of himself. Only he can do that. I get to go see him for Christmas - and by this time next year he'll be home for the holidays. Can't wait for that day!

10 months & 19 days to go!!
I Love & Miss You Baby ~ SO Much!

Carol Ann
LarryGirl5 :p

hi!!
my man is an addict/alchoholic....who ends up in prison all the time due to his addiction!!!

al-anon is a good idea

you can pm me anytiime to talk, whatever=}

you may consider at first just haaving drinks with your girlfriends when you go out or something...

after awhile...i have mixed feelings....of course i wouldn't i wouldn't go to the baars with your man...but, after the first year of his sobriety...you might rethink about a drink of wine..

i don't know, take it one day a time, definittelly go to al-anon, also talk to people there about this...they hve the experience..

i mean my friends, family drink in front of me..but, i have been clean 10 years.. i've had two roomies who drank a lot...but, again, this was after i had been clean a long time..

my man, who be mia like yours...a 10 minute errand turned into days..due to drug binges..it is horrible worrying and waiting, and angry and sad etc.

much peace, recovery, and love to you and yours
francis
again pm me anytime

I'm in agreement with some of the others that you both need to quit drinking all together.
If you value your realtionship at all. I see so many stories here that have that same line "He's such a wonderful man when he isn't drunk & acting 10 foot tall & bullet proof" You could become his external trigger and his enabler especially if he sees you with alcohol. If you don't drink and can handle your alcohol then setting it down for good shouldn't be a problem.
I use to drink like a sailor in port ( I was) and just walked away from it one day in 1991 and haven't missed it sinse. I had hard enough time not getting into trouble sober, I didn't need alcohol for a kicker. That is how I know it's possible to do so.

I guess I'm wondering "why would you not want to quit drinking"?

My husband got hepatitis C and was told quit drinking or die. I was a bartender. I quit my job and I quit drinking. He didn't - he just drank on the sly - even after having a liver transplant. If the situation was reversed, I would not expect him or other family members to stop drinking completely because of me. I don't see a problem with having a drink now and then as long as I'm not putting it in his face. I would quit because that is what would be right for me to do if in his situation. As a bartender, I saw many who had to quit drinking for one reason or another but liked the social atmosphere of the bar. They drank coffee or sodas and enjoyed themselves and the companionship. Its all a matter of priorities - yours will have to decide if you or liquor is his priority. Whether you have an occasional drink or not should not really factor in unless you wish to quit for him. I'm simply saying that my husband just wanted to drink and it didn't matter what I did. When he gets out in April he will be drinking alone if that is what he chooses to do. I will not sit by and watch him kill himself after waiting for him all these years. He is diabetic as well as having Hep C. If that isn't enough reason for him to quit, I don't know what is but I still intend to have a cold beer every now and then because I enjoy it.

If drinking is no big deal, then it should be no big deal to NOT drink...I remember someone somewhere telling me that. No you cant do his recovery for him, but you can help...one way is to show him that alcohol is not necessary in your life, you'd rather give it up then take a chance.

I dunno what anybody else learned in AA, but you dont keep that stuff around the house, if your even thinking about being on the wagon...recovery takes as many yuears to recover as you spent drinking...for me, now 15 years clean and sober, i went into my first bar the other night...not coz i wanted to, but because friends were gathering there after another friends funeral...i had no fear of drinking really, its just that i don't understand the hanging around bars except to drink...

i am rambling, i am not judging, just offering my experience and lessons...someone above mentioned Al anon, a great place to start, because if you have been enabling him you will learn about it there...and how to NOT

In my case I am going to quit drinking. My husband has done time in prison ALL over alcohol. He too tells me I can drink my wine if I want when he gets home but I'm not going to. My husband is more important to me than having a drink. I feel that we both will much better minus the booze. Whenever he drinks he does some stupid stuff! Stupid enough to land himself in prison. He has never told me that he would quit drinking until he got to prison. He knows that is what caused his incarceration. I believe he will & I will be supportive to him. I have 5 months & 4 days to go & I can't wait!!!!

LarrysGal...feel free to PM my anytime if you wanna chat. I'm in Oregon.

* AN UPDATE *
I was checking some messages and wanted to comment. One says "I don't know why you "wouldn't" want to quit drinking"... or "If you handle it well - quitting for good shouldn't BE a problem"... First of all, without dispute - we DO love each other very much. But no one but me can understand the horrible devestation he put me through (sometimes even physical, but not hitting) and I want advice thats best for ME not just him (I'm just hoping the two will work out hand in hand). The point is that I wonder why I SHOULD change everything about my drinking habits (as controlled as they are) for him and his problem/recovery when he could very well hurt me (by getting in trouble & leaving again) all over again. I'm tired of being the one who bends over backwards to make it right and having it blow up in my face anyway. Does anyone understand this? I DO watch myself & do the right thing, and though I decided to slow down & have not had a drink yet this year (I'll slow down dramatically to support him), I still don't see why MY actions have to depend on his success so much. Yes I want to support him & I will but if I weren't in the picture at all - he'd have the whole world to tempt him either way. I'm just frustrated... haven't found an alanon meeting yet either - I'm busy with 2 jobs but still intend to go.
I Miss Larry...
Thanks for letting me vent.
Carol

I read in your original post how alcohol was what caused him to do such awful things. I can relate to that. Alcohol has been in my family for years. My parents, relatives, and children. Alcohol has been the cause of so much evil. Granted one chooses to do what one does by taking that first drink, however no one knows how they are going to react until they take that "first" drink. I do mean the first drink that has that chemical effect on their body and they aren't aware of it until they experience the first drink and their body says I really like you and I really want more of you. I have been so blessed to not have the alcohol problem, however I have a food addiction. Most cannot understand that type of addiction unless they have it. I know someone who has the sex addiction....on and on and on...so many addictions.

I agree with you that you have given up much of yourself for the man you love, probably more than any of us know. You say you are willing to wait and stand by your man. I truly did not mean to be judgemental by asking "why would you want to drink" I guess I asked that question because you wanted to be so supportive but you are right. You have the right to look after yourself and do what is best for you. I do have to say that if I were dieting thou, and you were eating a big piece of chocolate cake and I were at a weak moment in my life...I probably would grab a bite...would that be your responsbility no...Ultimately it would be mine, but you see food doesn't alter ones mind and actions towards another necessarily like alcohol does and thats where I think you have had to take on the brunt of things. I hope I have explained without rambling too much.........I pray you walk in peace when the two of you are joined again.



Char