I was on the phone the other night with francis discussing this very topic and how I felt the need to address it somehow. This morning I was reading a thread where Mary posted about the "Patty experience" and how not everyone would have that. Yeah it's time for me to say this...

It's true that up to this point (and let's please remember he's only been home since Sept. 15th) Sebastian and I have enjoyed our relationship even more than I had imagined we would. I was certain of our feelings but since we had only met during his incarceration I had some insecurities. We all know that the odds are stacked against these type of relationships but we are both living up to the commitment and plans we made while he was locked down and I feel truly blessed.

We have had the house arrest at mama's, the terms of his parole and a continuous job search to deal with. We've had a couple of disagreements that we thankfully worked out quickly in the manner we promised we would when we discussed the boundaries and expectations of this relationship.

We spend as much time together as parole and my work schedule will allow and make one another the priority. It hasn't been that difficult even for me who in some ways is still practicing at this thing called patience. He likes to go to the gym with the guys and does so while I'm at work. I love to shop at SuperWalmart with my best friend and I do that during the hours we cannot be together. We both agree that Sunday dinner is an important tradition, a way to strenghten family/extended family bonds and so we bring our people together each week. These are just a few examples of how we work together and I have high hopes for our relationship.

Having said that I know that things can change in a second and when we least expect them to. Perhaps this is why I won't take any of this for granted. The time we did together and the time we share now are so precious to me and if the worst happened and our relationship had to end I would never regret for a moment the time spent together.

You, my PTO family mean so much to me. If there was one thing I could change right now it would be that none would have to be disappointed or frustrated by the way their homecomings are turning out. Whether the problems are large or small, I have high hopes for all of you.

The thing is we are all individuals and the same can be said for our significant others. While we share many similar experiences we all process them differently. It is important to me to remind you how far you have come. I want you to be hopeful and to know the joy and love you waited for all this time.

I post alot about our homecoming, show you our pictures and document most of the important and/or silly things going on because I am happy and I want to share that with you, also because I know that while I was waiting for his release I ate up every word I could find about others homecomings. I am trying to be helpful at the same time I do not believe we can acurately measure the strength of our own relationship based on that of another's. Remember that we cannot hold others up to our same standards.

I wish you all every happiness and hope that that all of your relationships will be fulfilling and joyous. :grouphug:

Your friend,
Patty

Thank Patty,great post.You are right all of our experiences will be different and can't be measured by anothers.I think it is important for all of us to share our individual experiences both good and bad and get feed back on them.Yours is a great story and we love to hear it,it gives us hope but I know my story won't be the same as yours as well all have different variables in our relationships already so the homecomings will be different in all cases.I'm just glad you are here as an FL and glad to hear your story and also value your input as I'm sure most of us do!

Looking forward to sharing my story however it unfolds!!

I agree. Everyone's experiences, with life in general, will always be different. I also think that is why some people feel so "let down" when their expectations for how things would be when their loved one returns are not met. You can not base your thoughts, ideas or expectations for your own life/relationship on what someone else has experienced. I have a bad habit, which I actually picked up from my fiance, to prepare for the worst. And honestly, that is what I did when I found out he would be coming home. I am one of the fortunate people who only had to spend 13 months away from my fiance and now we have 3 yrs left on paper. I knew that with his personality and all he had been through during his incarceration, things were not going to be peachy keen when he got out. So I prepared myself for a NEW roller coaster ride. It's like going to Six Flags.... we hopped off the ride of his incarceration and ran right over to the line for Post incaceration adjustment.

I would easily describe our experience as "Good" if I had to pick one word. I would not go as far as some people by sayign wonderful, great, etc. because that would not be true. And whenever I give advice to others who are getting ready for homecoming, I tell them the same thing.

Some days are great, everything seems sunny, happy and like we have no worries. Then there are the days where it seems he sinks back into the mind frame of incarceration.... he is angry, he shuts down, he won't open up or communicate. There are days when I feel I am horse trying to pull a semi!!!

But they balance each other out, and luckily my mind remembers the good time more than the bad. If I was to dwell on each bad day, I would be digging myself into a hole that I wouldn't be able to get out of. Yes, we still love each other very much, if not more than before all this happened FOR SURE, and yes, our relationship is DEFINITELY stronger because of what we have overcome. BUT, we are still normal people who have daily struggles, worries, stress, concerns. No one can be happy all the time, and that is only to be expected :)

This is what keeps me sane.... knowing that no one is happy ALL the time. But when I sum it up, things are good. We have a loving family, a warm, happy home and a bond that NO ONE can break!

Thanks for sharing guys...it means a lot, I have learned so much from you both. :)

Everyone,

Great post and feedback. When our loved ones were away, we often talked (with them and others) about the type of life w/ wanted w/ them. It's easy to write dreams and goals down on paper, but when it comes to bringing the relationship in to fuition, it takes dedication and hard work.

My situation is not perfect (because we are two human beings), but for the most part, it's o-kay. There are days when I love the heck out of this man and want to be w/ him, then there are days when I ask myself, what the hell am I doing and or thinking.

Sometimes, we think that we can handle it while they are away, but when they come home, it's another story. Anything worth having is workt working for. We have to make concerted efforts to make it work.

There are some who might not ever experience any complications, etc. We need to listen to their advice, etc.

Sometimes I don't know what to post, b/c I don't always have anwers for what others are experiencing, b/c I have not experienced, etc. The biggest thing that I am experiencing is learning how to let this man totally into my life. I have to remember that I am apart of a union; therefore, he has to be apart of major decisions, etc (house hunting, etc.).

I think it's so crucial that we allow everyone to post their experience, support them, etc. and not speculate it they are being realistic and or true about how things are going since there loved ones are home.

For the most part, many of our loved ones have been home since the beginning of the year, and we are still in the honey moon/dating phase; and once we've have some time in (year or more), we'll be able to see how we're doing.

Patty, thanks for the heart felt post.

Your welcome and thank YOU to everybody who has posted thus far I hope others will.

Keepin' It Real,
Patty

Patty,
I've really loved your posts (including this one) I never got the idea that you are living in some kind of perfect dream world, but rather when I read what you write, or see the beautiful pictures (I always check for new ones even if they are getting a teeny tad repetitive--you need to move your computer into a different room or something;) but that's beside the point) I think: "what a wonderful job she does affirming the positive in this relationship! Sebastian must feel completely cherished, I bet that gives him a lot of strength." I remind myself that I need to keep the small positives in mind and celebrate them, too. I think reading your posts has probably affected my relationship in a positive way already, and T isn't even out yet. You've mentioned arguments in passing, and celebrated peeing with the door open. My natural impulse would probably be to pee with the door open and not even notice, but to dwell on the argument. I, for one, have a lot to learn from the fact that you do the opposite.
I bet I could learn a lot from how you two went about discussing your priories and commitments, too. I'd love to see you post more about that. (If you ever wanted to take on the job of online volunteer couples counseling:))
Anyway, please keep doing exactly what you're doing! I'm sure you are doing a lot more good than you know!

What God has for me is for me and I rest in that. GOOD OR BAD!!! :D

Do your thang girlfriend :)

I am happy to hear that your relationship continues to go well.. I was one of the ones whose relationship went down the drains when he got out. I didn't allow him to move right in with me as we wanted to do this right since I have small kids at home who had not met him.. Well.. he ended up meeting someone else who was living at the homeless shelter he was at and they hooked up.. Now he is back out there getting high and doing who knows what else... I wish so badly we could have had the relationship that we talked about for a almost a year when he was locked up.. Guess it just wasn't meant to be..

Thanks for sharing your good news adn showing others that it CAN happen!

Patty and everyone else....

I have found these forums to be extremely helpful to me during my husband's incarceration...unfortunately, my marriage has come to an end and my husband is back in jail.

I also looked forward to hearing about everyone's homecoming stories and experiences adjusting once they were finally home. I prayed and hoped for the best and sadly, I just wasn't enough to change my husband and although the pain is great, I still appreciate all the wonderful advice and encouragement and hope that I once had.

Stories of success and possibility for happiness always made me feel that our breakthough was "just around the corner".

In the end, I guess it was good that my son and I experienced this pain because it really has strengthened our bond and made us able to endure what lies ahead.

Patty, First thing I want to say is I love you. You are an inspiriation to me for when my Herb gets home. I have learned so much from you: they can't keep him forever, to having faith and trusting in God, to staying postivie, not over reacting to things. I have learned by reading all your threads and post that I have to change myself also. That I can't expect him to come home esp. if he has been working on himself to change.
All of our homecoming stories are going to be different. We are all different people with different situations. Not all are going to be good and not all are going to be bad. Some will make it some won't. But that is the chances we take loving someone in prison.
I get ideas on what to do and not to do when I read your stuff. I find it very uplifting and supportive. I like the fact that you are willing to share 100% all the good and bad that happens while he was incarcerated and since he has been home.
That is what I thought we where about. Patty don't ever stop, We Need you, I need you.....Love Jeanne

I have to say that my realationship ended after he got out. we were together before he went to jail. we didn't have parole when he got out so it was kinda bad in a way. i think if he had some rules he might not have started using drugs again. the frist two and a half monthes were great, then he was having truoble finding work and he felt bad becuase i was the only one with any money. anyway, he contacted some old freinds who dealt drugs and decided to go and work for them. i told him not too but he got pissed becuase he thuoght i was assuming he would just start doing drugs again. well of course he did. as soon as he started using again things just feel apart. he ended up living with me whwn he was trying to stay sober and when he was on a bender he went to some other place. it was too stressful for me and all my money was going to try and pay his drug bills eventually. then some girl called me looking for him and told me that she was his girlfriend and told me that i had no right to talk to him or anything. anyway he denied it but by then i was exhaousted and i had just had enough so i left. a month after i left he ended up in the pen for 2 and ahalf years. he was started writing me again, but i don't think i can do this with him agian.
so it is always nice to hear when it works.

I read your posts because it is a positive when a lot is negative in all of this. My hubby is still in but when he starts promising all this stuff of how he'll do this or that I stop him. Nope, I want reality. He will show me when he gets home. If he can't, we'll deal with it then. He promised me 6 years ago all the flower fun stuff and none of it happened. I won't go there with him this time around. Starting as a pen pal or not, our relationships are our own.

Keep it going on the positive!!!

You are all filled with kindness, now DON'T make me cry y'all are toooo good to me. Thanks again to everyone that has shared their experiences and hopes for the future with us, it means so much to so many of this I am sure.

Gonna take a minute here to respond to Phaenrate =) about discussing priorities and commitments: I'm pretty sure everyone knows that we met through a misdialed phone call and built a friendship from there. When it became apparent we were catchin' feelings for one another it was not without it's difficulties. I had just ended a really lousy relationship which left a really bad taste in my mouth. I still wanted to enjoy the company of men (not dead just pissed off LOL) but TRUST was not gonna come easily and let's not forget that he was doin' time and as open minded as I can try to be well you KNOW.

We talked easily, could share everything, nothing was forbidden territory. He was patient and kind and I warmed eventually. Once we had decided that we wanted to pursue/continue a relationship upon his release we talked and wrote on a daily basis about what we expected from one another and from ourselves. We bragged on our strong points and revealed our weaknesses. We talked about pet peeves and things we found unacceptable/negotiable/interesting etc.

I believe we established the ground rules for the perfect (for us) relationship prior to his coming home. Once he arrived I was prepared for some of the things we discussed to fall by the way side, I mean let's face it, it's easy to talk about more difficult to put into practice. I was COMPLETELY wrong. Both of us are living up to those expectations and commitments, we are resolving conflicts like "grown folks" and without hurting one another. We are NOT compromised as individuals and RESPECT each other to the fullest. We are working together to turn our hopes and dreams into REALITY. I feel like his first priority, it goes without saying that he is mine. This is everything we discussed and promised and believed in ONLY BETTER.

COMMUNICATION is/has been/always will be the key! As odd as it sounds meeting during his incarceration really worked in our favor. We both believe that. We also believe that we came into one anothers life at a time when we were open, ready and willing to put the work in, and let's be honest anything worth having is worth working towards.

There was a chance that one or the both of us would not or could not live up to the commitment made but so far the huge leap of faith is paying off. I couldn't be happier.

Patty

I just wasn't enough to change my husband

mrs maze, this is so NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you should never think this! You had no power over changing him, no matter how great of a lady you are, and You are!!! No matter how much you loved him, you were not supposed to change him, just love him, and you did, that is all you can do!! YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH, but no one can change anyone...You did your part, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

I am so very sorry for all this pain you have endured, please know that you are not alone, I know this for sure, I understand this pain and take heart, it will fade with time. It really will, thanks for being so brave to share this with us.

What I have learned in most relationships is that it TAKES TWO!!!!

Ya know what I mean? And this is in any relationship, not just a prison one. it takes two to work on it DAILY!

And why things work out or don't is a fact of life...sometimes it just does not work out, sometimes it works out better than you even imagined!

And really it is the journey, not the destination that counts here...

and what did you learn from this? so many many things about love and life and ....whatever you can think of. Nothing is a waste....

...

I think, even while inside they can show you many things, about who they are...but yes, the future is unknown and to me, that is the beauty of life, you can live it, ONE DAY AT A TIME! I chose to enjoy it for what it is today!

Once he arrived I was prepared for some of the things we discussed to fall by the way side, I mean let's face it, it's easy to talk about more difficult to put into practice. I was COMPLETELY wrong.

thanks for saying that Patty :)

My husband always tells me it takes a special woman to do what we do, so I tell all you ladies (and gentlemen) that when we receive our blessings we must fight to make it work and survive. My husband faces a Life sentence unless he receives the help he's needing, but I keep the positive in mind at all times whether it's during his incarceration or when he'll be home.

So I thank you Patty and all the wonderful people that have made this endurable whether it's the ups or the downs. Because we all need them and we all have them. Keep strong because the struggle doesn't end once they come home.

Keep strong because the struggle doesn't end once they come home.

Truer words were never spoken...

Thanks for the reminder,
Patty

Great post Patty..=)

I agree..we're all different..every situation wont be the same..but i'm glad we can share our experiences and in a way learn from eachother..

Since he's been home things haven't been perfect...but in life, wuts really perfect? but day by day they get better..we have our ups and downs..but as much as him being locked up hurt..i know that us ladies will not take anything for granted..and i'm so greatfull for that and for everyones stories..we really do learn something new each day

God bless <3

Great point schnuckums ~ the day I STOP learning, just shoot me, k? =)

Hugggz,
Patty

WOW... :) I'm so glad that I found this thread. Even though my honey is not home yet, it was very informative and from the heart.
Patty, you write so well...I will take all of this information on this thread and put it to good use...
I never thought that we should talk about what it's gonna be like when he gets out, BEFORE he gets out. That is a great idea...
...You are all so precious ;)

Wtg4Mike ~ I'm glad you stopped in and if any of what you read helps you then all the better. We gotta stick together.

All the best,
Patty