I am a single mother of 2 daughters, ages 12 & 9. Their father is in prison and has been for the past 2-3 years and will be for the next 18years. My youngest daughter is having some anger issues and her attitude has changed tremendously. (which i know that's gonna happen) She wants to see him all the time and says that it not fair that she can't see her dad but everyone else gets to see their dad... what do i tell her? HELP!!!

DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW WHERE THEIR FATHER IS? HAVE THEY BEEN TO VISIT AT ALL? IF SO, HOW FREQUENTLY? IF NOT,ARE YOU OPPOSED TO THEM SEEING HIM? PLEASE LET ME KNOW AND I WILL TRY AND HELP.

Yes, they know where he is and has been to see him. but she wants to be able to see him every day. They went during the Christmas break with his mother. We are 8 hrs away from him.

OBVIOUSLY DAILY VISITS ARE NOT A REALISTIC OPTION AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN AVAILABLE- MAYBE YOU COULD COMPROMISE AND LET HER GO ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH? 12 YEARS OLD IS A TOUGH AGE ANYWAY AND IS ONLY COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT THAT HER DAD IS IN PRISON. HER REACTIONS (ANGER, CHANGE IN ATTITUDE) ARE COMMON FOR HER AGE AND PROBABLY EXACERBATED BY THE SITUATION. ONE THING I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND IS MAKING HER VISITS WITH HER DAD CONTINGENT UPON HER BAHVIOR. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ARE DOING THAT OR NOT, BUT I WOULD USE ANOTHER PRIVILEGE TO TAKE AWAY. SHE DOES NEED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER BEHAVIOR. KIDS THIS AGE ARE REALLY TESTING THOSE LIMITS AND IS IMPORTANT TO BE FIRM AND CONSISTENT. A LOT OF TIME WHEN ONE PARENT IS ABSENT THE CHILD BUILDS THIS IMAGE OF THEM AS THE "GOOD PARENT" BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE ONES IMPOSING RULES, SETTING LIMITS AND GIVING DISCIPLINE. IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD SIT DOWN AND TTALK WITH YOUR DAUGHTER OPENLY AND HONESTLY SBOUT THE SITUATION-LET HER KNOW WHAT YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF HER ARE, AND THAT YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER AND WANT THE BEST FOR HER. I HAVE TWO 17 YEAR OLDS AND A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD AND IN MY EXPERIENCE 12-13 IS THE HARDEST AGE. WHEN THEY GET IN HS, THINGS CALM DOWN A LITTLE. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I THINK IS TO KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN, BUT STAND YOUR GROUND AS THE AUTHORITY FIGURE. TALK WITH HER ABOUT WHAT IS REALISTIC ABOUT SEEING HER DAD AND OFFER HER AS MANY OPTIONS AS YOU CAN IN THAT REGARD. THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON THIS-GOOD LUCK!

DEAREST MOTHER OF 2


THIS IS THE HARDEST THING THAT A CHILD CAN ENCOUNTER.... IT IS SO VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION AND HAVE THEM UNDERSTAND IT..

IF THERE IS A INMATE FAMILIES SUPPORT GROUP IN YOUR AREA, PLEASE GET INVOLVED WITH THEM.... PLEASE BRING THIS CHILD TO CHURCH AND LET THE LOVE OF GOD COME OVER HER.... HAVE HER COUNSELED IN SOME MANNER... BUT REALLY TRY TO HAVE IT BE A COUNSEL OF LOVE NOT NECESSARILY KNOWLEDGE..

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU


DONNA

Mother of two
I hope that things will get better for you. I am raising my grandchild and she is 11. Her father is in prison and he may not ever be released. It is hard on her because she never lived with my son and we live so far away(he is in Attica, NY and we are just across the boarder from youngstown OH, in western PA. It is a 61/2 hour trip for us to visit.
It has been difficult trying to get her to understand,but I tell her the truth and then listen as she vents her feelings. It is so hard to know what to say to our children in circumstances like these. IF you would like, and think it would help, I would be willing to let Sarah sent letters or e mails to your daughter. It might benifit her (your daughter) to have someone her own age and similar circumstances to vent to. And to share other things as well, fun things with. Sarah likes horses, reading,math, school work in general,drawing, music, talking to her online friends,helping me with the business that my sister and I are beginning, and so much more I can't begin to tell you.
She is an intelligent and compassionate child with a heart. I am a little prejudiced when it comes to her(she is more like my daughter than grandchild), but others have told me this. She has her rough days and sometimes I would like to just scream, but is a good kid generally speaking. I monitor her online time and so you would have no worries there. Feel free to e mail me if you wish. I wish I could help you more.
Remember to keep yourself strong by letting yourself express your feelings to others who care. Take care of yourself so you can care for your children. Have a good day!:)

How are things with you Mother of 2? Please let us know.

Things are getting better, but still I am having to deal with "why can't i see my dad everyday?" My youngest, Kristan, has her days but all in all is getting better. She got 2 letters from him last week and that made her feel a lot better. I think she was thinking he forgot about them. so if he keeps sending letters, maybe that will help her. I wrote to him and told him the problems I'm having with her and he wrote back to her and told her that he thinks of her everyday and looks at her pictures everyday. So cross your fingers, but it looks like he's making an attempt to help me.

That is good to hear. At least it is a step in the right direction.

HI mother of 2--I am mother of 5.....I totally understand what you are going through my oldest daughter is 7 and she has been going through the same kind of issues...what I have found that works real well is talking, crying even yelling to get out their feelings...make her know that she can come to you for comfort when she is feeling bad, writing letters is a way that she can feel connected to him have pictures of him available to her, I havent been going through this as long as you have but it has been a year and I have seen a gradual change in all my children's behavior...my oldest son Travis (6) I feel is having a very tough time and even more so because he doesnt articulate his feelings well, he keeps most things inside.....send me a PM f you want my phone number, maybe the kids can talk to eachother and help eachother out, I know i feel better because I come on here and get my sadness, frustration and lonliness out with a group of people who know what I am dealing with so maybe it will help them too...let me know if I cna help you out in any way....and WElcome to the PTO family!!--Amelia

mother of 2,

Is there any way that you can carpool or something to get to visit more and take the kids more? Every 2 weeks would be awesome if you could work it out.......It helps with my kids.

Deb

We have no one to carpool with. We have no family out here in W. TX and no one knows our situation. His mom takes them when we go to Dallas.

Hi
The hardest thing when my husband went to jail was dealing with it with the kids. My kids are a bit older and they understood what happened. In my case, they couldn't see him, but they wrote him. I would suggest your daughter write a daily letter and send one every day. It will get everything out of her and off to him, plus keep the lines of communication open.

Good Luck.

I have suggested they write to their dad everyday, but they choose not to. Their response is "he doesn't write to me every day" I don't know what to do. :confused:

Can you take them to visit every 2 weeks or so? Can they write a couple times a week and their dad write to them a couple times a week? You're in Texas so I'm thinking he can't call right? Some how, the lines of communication have to stay open and the relationship be nurtured however you can make that happen......

Deb

No, he can't call. But, they received a letter from him yesterday. I told them last night that when they are done with their homework to write to him and they didn't want to. But he stated in his letter that when he hears the song "A Thousand Miles" he thinks of them. So, this morning I downloaded it so they could hear it. We weren't sure what song he was talking about. What I'm thinking of doing is when he writes and gives them songs that remind him of them, I'll download it and put all the songs on a Cd for them. When I wrote to him to tell him the issues with our children, I never got a response back from him, but he did write to the girls. It's not possible for us to go every 2 weeks or so because we are over 500 miles away from him. I do talk to them about him. We talk about the things we used to do together or things he used to do with them. I try to keep him alive in their minds.

just hang in there and be there for them it sounds as if you are doinga good job..lean on us for any help we can give you....:D--One day at a time!

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT MOVING CLOSER TO WHERE HE IS IN PRISON? WHERE IS HE IN PRISON AT?
YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT TRYING TO GET HIM MOVED CLOSER TO YOU AND THE CHILDREN, YOU MIGHT TALK TO YOUR STATE REPERSENTATIVE, MAYBE HE COULD HELP YOU GET HIM MOVED CLOSER HOME, BECAUSE THE CHILDREN ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THIS. IF YOU ARE THE CHILDREN HAVE ANY HEALTH PROBLEMS, THAT WILL HELP IN GETTING HIM MOVED CLOSER TO HOME, THAT IS HOW I GOT MY SON MOVED ABOUT 15 MILES FROM OUR HOME, MY HEALTH WAS BAD, AND MY STATE REP. GOT HIM MOVED FOR ME. IT WANT HURT TO TRY AND KEEP TRYING, IF IT IS AFFECTING THE CHILDREN THIS MUCH, IT MIGHT CAUSE SOME BAD ADJUSTMENTS IN THEIR LATER LIFE, JUST TRY ANYTHING TO GET HIM CLOSER FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, DONT GIVE UP IF YOU ARE TURNED DOWN, JUST KEEP TRYING, THE CHURCH, JUST ANYBODY THAT MIGHT HELP YOU. GOOD LUCK AND DONT BLAME THE CHILDREN, SOME OF THEM JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THIS, I AM HAVING PROBLEMS DEALING WITH MY SON. THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO COME FOR HELP, PTO HAS HELPED ME IN MANY WAS, ALWAYS SOMEONE TO TALK TO AND LISTEN, NO MATTER WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY, JUST LET IT ALL OUT HERE. WE ARE HERE TO HELP, SO MANY CHILDREN ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS LIKE THIS, AND I THINK THE PRISONS SHOULD CONSIDER THE CHILDREN AND FAMILY IN WHERE THEY PUT AN INMATE . SO KEEP ON TRYING DONT GIVE UP. AND YOU GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE AND OFFERS HERE TONIGHT. SOMETIMES CHILDREN WILL EXPRESS THEMSELVES TO OTHER CHILDREN BEFORE AN ADULT. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Like other's here have suggested, maybe she can get in touch with some of our kids?! My daughter also is 12 years old and going through s tough time- for one because of 'that' age. But her stepdad has been in jail for nearly 9 months now. We can't visit him, either, because it is too far. The last time she got to see him was once for 20 minutes before he got extadited in August. She can't talk to him either...
Crissy doesn't vent too much- she keeps it inside her, but every now and then she will talk about her feelings and I know it hurts her a lot - she is carrying his picture with her now.

Good luck- and if you want your daughter to get in touch with mine, I will pm you her e-mail addy.

Tanya

We can't move closer, we just moved out here to west texas. I could ask to get him moved to colorado city but his mom is in dallas and it's about 200 miles for her to go see him. she is in bad health and so is his dad. i couldn't do that to them. if he moved to colorado city, that would be a 4 hr trip for them. His dad had a stroke a couple of years ago, accutally it was before he went to jail. While i was taking care of his dad, he was out messing with a 13 year old girl, which happens to be his niece. That is the reason he's where he is. what angers me is that he didn't even think of his children and how it would affect them. I don't really care if he thought of me, but he knows how much his children love him and he does this to them? Sorry i just needed to vent.
Thanks for all the support.

Hi my dad is in prison for 240 years and he is 2547 miles away from me I seen him for the first time in 9 years in feb. of this year no matter what you do or say she will still not understand the why's and how's of the whole situation I will be 24 in june and I still dont understand the why's and how's have you tried writing him a letter and having him explain it my mom lost her mind when my dad was arrested so we went to live with an aunt that turned us in too slaves so I am not really sure I can be of much help except for to let you know what it feels like from a kids point of view I moved out when I was 17 and got married and have been fighting my dads case ever since so there is no sure answers on how to help her but just be there and encourage her to write and let her yell and scream I chose a specail field and when I needed time away to just think I would go there and I made it my place alone I could go and talk outloud to him though he never heard me it still made me feel closer I doubt I have been of any help but I wish you the very best

First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you for your support. The girls went to my mom's during spring break. They got to see their dad on Sunday. His mom took them Sunday and I asked that she take them the Saturday before we left town, but she never did. I went to a wedding that Saturday and that would have been the perfect time. We left town to come back home last Sunday. They had a good visit with him and seemed to be more on the upscale. We are doing good and things are getting better. Thanks again for all your support. I'll keep you informed.:)

My children are younger 3 and 4 and I tell them this: Daddy did something naughty and is on a time out. Grown-ups take thier time outs in jail. When daddy is done with his time out he will come home and never be naughty again.
At thier age it seems to satisfy them. They have yet to ask what thier daddy did. So I follow the sex talk rule and only answer what they ask and in simple terms.

There are five stages a person goes through along the path to acceptance------the first is denial and then there's anger somewhere on the list. Everyone goes through these stages at different rates, and your girls may be at the anger stage. Like someone else said, the girls are at an age where they start to rebel a little bit anyway, and this makes it harder. Just be loving and patient with them and they'll come through it. I know it's really hard. Maybe FedX would make a section here for kids to post back and forth to each other.

Its tough having kids and the other half in jail! Steve&kids

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. But their dad will NEVER come back to my house as long as I live, and the girls know that.(not what he did, but that there is no chance for us to be together again). He did something very very terrible to be where he's at. That is one reason I don't want to see him, so I let his mom take them to see him. He made my life a living hell while we were married. I'm just grateful that I'm alive today to talk about it. The girls are doing very very well and they are excited about me remarrying. Keep us in your prayers. Thanks again.

good luck with your new marraige and I want to commend you for acknowledging your children's need to have their father in their life, even though you dont want him in yours---I hope he realizes how important he is to those girls and does right by them!