View Full Version : Husband in prison/jail for domestic violence
My question, for those women who has someone in prison/jail for domestic violence...should they wait for him and support him in jail, or should they say I love you but our marriage is over.
04-17-2002, 07:56 AM
I'm not one of those women but I have tell you .
"You could color me gone."
04-17-2002, 05:48 PM
I am not in that situation either, but would have to stay neutral and say it depends on the specific situation. Also, remember the victim often stays loyal out of fear or low self esteem.
04-17-2002, 09:45 PM
I agree it would depend on the situation each case needs to be handled with it's own merits so it is hard to say in a general idea like that.. you know that is not my strong suit right now since my friend was just murdered due to DV. I have a bias opinion at the moment which I will refrain from expressing..
04-18-2002, 11:13 AM
again, this is not an easy question to answer--and one a woman would have to answer for herself. I think it is much easier to say what you would do or recommend in such a situation, but it is very different when you are in the midst of the situation. i agree some women stay out of fear and/or low self-esteem, and obviously that is not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. BUT I think EVERYONE has the potential to change--including men who have physically abused women--and we can't just write them all off as damaged goods. The question would be are they committed to change, and are they taking the necessary steps to make those changes--
04-18-2002, 11:29 AM
Domestic violence does not affect many people.
A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, Report to the nation on Crime and Justice. The Data. Washington DC Office of Justice Program, US Dept. of Justice. Oct 1983)
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the united States - more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1991)
Battered women are more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give birth to babies with low birth weights. (Surgeon General, United States, 1992)
Sixty-three percent of the young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are serving time for homicide have killed their mother's abuser. (March of Dimes, 1992)
Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.
Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)
"One in five women victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses report they had been victimized over and over again by the same person." (The Basics of Batterer Treatment, Common Purpose, Inc., Jamaica Plain, MA)
Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas.
Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered - by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. (Surgeon General Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: Battered Women, publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA)
"Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. these have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990)
Domestic violence is just a push, slap or punch - it does not produce serious injuries.
Battered women are often severely injured - 22 to 35 percent of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse. (David Adams, "Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You be the Judge." Boston Bar Journal, 33-4, July/August 1989)
One in four pregnant women have a history of partner violence. (Journal of the American Medical Association, 1992)
It is easy for battered women to leave their abuser.
Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. (Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988)
Nationally, 50 percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. (Senator Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991)
There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are shelters for battered women and their children. (Senate Judiciary Hearings, Violence Against Women Act, 1990)
This list identifies a series of behaviors typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people. All of these forms of abuse, psychological, economic, and physical - come from the batterer's desire for power and control. The list can help you recognize if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship. check off those behaviors that apply to the relationship. The more checks on the page, the more dangerous the situation may be.
Emotional and Economic Attacks
*Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse: Name-calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures.
*Pressure Tactics: Rushing you to make decisions through "guilt-tripping" and other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what to do.
*Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do; making big decisions; using "logic."
*Disrespect: Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family.
*Abusing Trust: Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous.
*Breaking Promises: Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with child care or housework.
*Emotional Withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights, or opinions.
*Minimizing, Denying & Blaming: Making Light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn't happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it.
*Economic Control: Interfering with your work or not letting you work; refusing to give you or taking your money; taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car; threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies.
* Self-Destructive Behavior: Abusing drugs or alcohol; threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm; deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences (e.g., telling off the boss)..
* Isolation: Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives; monitoring phone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go..
* Harassment: Making uninvited visits or calls; following you; checking up on you; embarrassing you in public; refusing to leave when asked..
Acts of Violence
* Intimidation: Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments; out shouting you; driving recklessly..
* Destruction: Destroying your possessions (e.g., furniture); punching walls; throwing and/or breaking things..
* Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others..
* Sexual Violence: Degrading treatment based on your sex or sexual orientation; using force or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts..
* Physical Violence: Being violent to you, your children, household pets or others; Slapping; punching; grabbing; kicking; choking; pushing; biting; burning; stabbing; shoots; etc..
* Weapons: Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you; threatening or attempting to kill you or those you love..
Cycle of Domestic Violence
The Cycle of Domestic Violence shows how domestic violence often becomes a pattern made up of three stages.
criticism, yelling, swearing, using angry gestures, coercion, threats
physical and sexual attacks and threats
apologies, blaming, promises to change, gifts
It also explains how three dynamics, love hope and fear, keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship.
keep the cycle in motion
for your partner, the relationship has its good points, it's notall bad
that it will change, the relationship didn't begin like this
that the threats to kill you or your family will become reality
04-18-2002, 02:36 PM
No one but the victim can answer that question. As I've said, I made the choice to stay, but I would never tell anyone else to do that. Each person will have different factors that will affect their decisions.
04-18-2002, 02:49 PM
No Way Stay, but that is my own personal opinion. I have never known a man who does that to change. I believe it takes a woman with a low-self esteem to live in that situation. Love is not a good enough reason and if you have kids you are crazy for staying because it will affect them greatly and they will probably do the same thing to females later on in life.
04-18-2002, 03:14 PM
If the batterer husband is in prison he can't hurt you while he is in there. Just becareful when he gets out. More women get killed after he goes to counseling. (I don't know the numbers on when they get out of prison but I bet they are close)
04-19-2002, 07:53 AM
RENEE- I RESPECT YOUR OPINION HOWEVER I PERSONALLY HAVE SEEN MEN CHANGE--PARTICULARLY WHEN THERE IS SUBSTANCE ABUSE INVOLVED WHICH IS QUITE FREQUENTLY. I WORK WITH A LOT OF CLIENTS WITH ADDICTIONS AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ISSUES. OFTEN, WHEN THEY STOP DRINKING/USING, THE ABUSING STOPS. THAT IS BECAUSE ADDICTION IS A WAY OF LIFE, AND WHEN PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR WAY OF LIFE, EVRYTHING CHANGES. JUST MY THOUGHTS...
Just a question for food for thought. If we all believe in our husbands, who have committed crimes, (some have been in several times) do not believe that people can change......then why are we sitting here on the computer and waiting for our husbands to come home?
I think this issue is similar to the people that are in prison for sex related crimes. It is a touchy subject and one that many, many people have strong feelings about. This is a situation that is not just black and white. Like those that we are fighting for in prison, DR....whom we believe are human beings and can change, why can't someone stop and look at the man/woman who is the abuser as a human being.
Just another 2 cents.........
04-19-2002, 11:31 PM
I don't think anyone regarded the batterer as not "being a human being"
There is always hope of people changing.
We were just posting the numbers that don't change from the research that is out there for us. The power of information is for you to take or leave. Same thing for advise. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
04-21-2002, 07:43 AM
JOY -I THINK YOU HAVE SOME VALID POINTS. TORREY, I THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT RESEARCH STUDIES USE RANDOM AND NON-RANDOM SAMPLES THAT THEY FEEL ARE ADEQUATE TO GENERALIZE TO AN ENTIRE POPULATION. AND GENERALLY, FOR EVERY RESEARCH STUDY THAT INDICATES ONE THING, YOU CAN FIND SOMEWHERE ANOTHER RESEARCH STUDY TO DISPUTE IT. MY POINT BEING, PEOPLE ARE INDIVIDUALS AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GENERALIZATIONS. IF I DID, I DON'T THINK I WOULD WORK IN THE FIELD THAT I DO.
04-21-2002, 03:33 PM
I have to agree that for every study there is usually one that disputes it. I have seen it so often in our field.
04-22-2002, 08:02 AM
Thanks for the new information girls. Could anyyone send me the sources for the reports that contridiict the Government, Police, public , and private research on the higher numbers of repeat abusers VS the abuser changed and never did it again?
04-22-2002, 08:32 AM
Hey Girls -- Guess Who....
Yes, there is always the chance that husbands and boyfriends who commit domestic violence can change.. But, THEY HAVE TO REALLY WANT TO FIRST..... No one can change anything about themselves unless they admit they have a problem.
The reason Renee said what she did about not staying in the situation is this. She is engaged to my son, who was the Child of an Alcoholic Domestic Violence offender. I lived with him for 21 years. I hid the problem from the outside world... Would not let my children tell anyone about what happened at home because I really felt that it was much better to have a father even if he was alcoholic abuser.
She has seen up front the damage that does to children. I never realized the damage is did to all three of my sons until after I made my mind up to leave their father. I did not see the anger in them or the hurt they carried.
Yes, Like I Said, Everyone can change but Only if they want to. My son's father is still alive (barely) He is still an alcoholic. His son's have absolutely nothing to do with him. He has gotten so sick with Schlorisis of the Liver that he is no longer abusive. He is married to a very good lady who is originally from England. She takes care of him now. He is in a wheelchair. He still says even now, He will never quit drinking. His statement is "I have to die from something"
Yes, they are sick. But they really do have to want to be different.
04-22-2002, 08:54 AM
Hey I am one that agreed there is hope that "people can change" I don't mean to sound out of line Donna but giving your X credit for changing and no longer being an abuser now is not quiet a fair example. He is sick and in a wheel chair. I think he gave it up because he had no choice. *S*
I also studied this problem, drug addictions and other abnormal psycholgy and know the reality. One woman 6 feet under because she believed "He really loved her, he would change and never beat her again is one too many for me"
The advise was "let them change and then take them back."
With this topic all I offered was all the information that I had. Knowledge is power. Everyone needs to study and make up thier own minds. Domestic abuse is such a horror for everyone especially children. Take care everyone.
04-22-2002, 10:04 AM
The point I was trying to make was HE HAS NEVER CHANGED because he did not want to. I left him after 21 years and have since remarried.
He is still an Alcoholic and will be until he dies.... That is what he wants to be. The domestic Violence part stopped with his new wife because he is too sick to be violent... Not because he changed.
Yes, They can change but only if THEY WANT TO.
04-22-2002, 01:50 PM
04-22-2002, 02:51 PM
My Fiancee is in prison do to 2 men attacking him and he defending himself. If he was in do to an intentional violent act I would not be associating with him. I have heard before that men who beat on women can change, but all I'm saying is I have never seen it myself.
What all this boils down to is that the subject of Domestic Violence is a subject like Capital Punishment. You are either for it or not. There are no grey areas in the middle.
No judgements should be passed here on anyone who stays with someone that has done any kind of domestic abuse (verbal or otherwise).
To those who say they would never stay and put up with that kind of abuse.....
until you walk in the shoes of a wife in that situation, don't judge.
To those who are upset at those that judge the women who do stay...
don't be upset that someone cares for you and don't
want you to get hurt.
Please, don't argue about this subject anymore.
04-22-2002, 10:11 PM
Excuse me Joy,
You are the one that asked the question
"Should a wife stay with her husband who is in prison/jail for domestic violence?" You want us to just shut up because you don't like what you hear?
No offense but If you don't want to hear the answers discussed maybe you should not ask? Maybe it's just me but I did not hear arguing. I heard a intellingent conversation a bout it. Several opinions and several views.
But I'm done. Stay safe.
04-23-2002, 06:21 AM
You are right, each person has their own opionion on Domestic Violence.
What I was telling you is from someone who has lived in that situation for 21 years and then decided to leave...... That decision was made too late because domestic violence does harm people other that the woman and man who are involved.
When it starts to harm children, it is time to get out.... Before that harm is so embedded that a child grows up thinking that violence is the way to handle situations.
I am not arguing at all. This is just my opinion due to first hand experience....Most domestic violence is caused by a tiered effect. When a child is abused he becomes an abuser. Unless the chain is broken, it will continue through the ages. Yes, it can be stopped but the person who is violent must stop it..... No one can do that but him.
Still Love you All
05-01-2002, 11:30 PM
When we used to live together before he went to jail 9 years ago, my husband and I had issues with domestic violence. I stayed for awhile and left for 7 years and just returned last August...just to heal those scars, but soon after, we were married. WHY? BECAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE. I would NEVER have married him if I thought it was going to be that way again. And I told my husband in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS...if he even raises his hand to me, I AM GONE. I have changed, too. I have learned that I will NOT accept that type of treatment. NO ONE DESERVES THAT. You have to look inside your heart and really decide what you need. I love my hisband with everything I have inside, BUT I WILL LEAVE IF IT COMES TO THAT. He was transferred recently to a program for substance abuse and domestic violence. HE HAS TO WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGE TOO.
05-02-2002, 11:03 AM
TIFFANY-THANKS FOR SHARING A REAL STORY ABOUT HOW PEOLE CAN CHANGE-ANYONE CAN CHANGE IS THE POINT I TRIED TO MAKE EARLIER IN THESE POSTS-LIKE YOU SAID IF THEY WANT TO CHANGE --AND I THINK A LOT OF TIMES IT TAKES THE WOMAN LEAVING AND SAYING I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS EVER AGAIN BEFORE A MAN SEES THE NEED TO CHANGE-DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS WRONG BYUT IT IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR AND ANY BEHAVIOR THAT IS LEARNED CAN BE UNLEARNED-IF WE DO NOT BELIEVE THAT CHANGE IS POSSIBLE, WE MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP ON ANYONE SUPPORTING THE REHABILIATATION OF INMATES, SEX OFFENDERS, BATTERERS OR ANYONE ELSE. IN FACT WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP ON THIS CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN. IMO.
05-02-2002, 11:32 AM
YES, THEY CAN CHANGE IF THEY SO DESIRE..... IF THEIR ATTITUDE IS ONE OF "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, IT'S WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM" , THEN THERE WILL NEVER BE A CHANGE.
THE PERSON COMMITTING THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HAS TO WANT TO BE DIFFERENT BEFORE HE CAN CHANGE......
05-02-2002, 11:37 AM
05-09-2002, 01:49 PM
I would love to hear from you this time next year Tiffany. Stay in touch.
05-13-2002, 10:44 AM
Hate to break it to you, but NO, absolutely I will not stay with someone like that. If the domestic violence has been brought on you, and that's the cause of him being in jail then there's no reason why you should support him, marriage or no marriage.
05-02-2004, 09:19 PM
i do not believe that a woman should stay with a man who abuses her, either physically or emotionally.
05-02-2004, 11:46 PM
I just got out of an abusive marriage and stayed too long to boot. Hurting yourself isn't worth it. If the man has hurt you once trust me he will do it again. I am talking only from experience.
05-03-2004, 02:06 AM
My man isn't in for DV. I was in a very abusive relationship w/ my ex for way too long. It took him whoopin my a$$ while I was pregnant w/ my son to make me leave. Not that I didn't want to go before, but I was too scared. I was gonna be damned if he took my sons life. To this day, is still have to run from him and I haven't been with him in over 3 years. I've got a no contact order and everything and it doesn't do me a damn bit of good. I keep tellin the courts and the police, I'm going to have to be murdered before I or my son can be safe. What a shame.
I know it's up to the woman that was battered or abused on if she wants to stay or go. I would never do it again. I heard the I'm sorry's and I love you's way too often after he beat me. I will never put myself in harms way again. Again, this is all my opinion and my experience. I don't think it's worth the wait b/c I truely believe that if they put hands on you once, they'll do it again. It may be awhile, but it'll eventually happen.
05-03-2004, 03:18 AM
what do you think about a man who threatens his partner when he is loaded, but has never hit her...has threatened a few times only when he is loaded..
05-03-2004, 03:25 AM
I'm not sure if you're just asking me Francis or all of us, but me personally, since I've gone through what I've gone through before, I'd leave. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to be abuse. I don't care if he's loaded or not, it's verbal abuse and you don't have to take it. If it were me, I'd be gone. If the threat is there whether loaded or sober, there will come a time that will be more than just a threat. It will happen, and if it happens while he's loaded, it will happen when he's sober. I'm only speaking from my experience. It started out as threats and within a short time, it became the real thing. It's not something to be taken lightly. I'm sorry to say, but if I were you, I'd go. The reason being, it's almost like being a sitting duck waiting for it to really happen. Then when it really does, you're like damn, he did it for real. Then the cycle starts and once it happens it's hard to get out. Some women have the strength and willpower to leave the first time, I unfortunately did not. Maybe it's because I was young and dumb. I dont' know. I do know, that I'll be damned if I ever take verbal, physical, emotional abuse again. I won't. I can't. I'm too strong for that now. I hope this helps you Francis. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you. I can relate to a lot. My prayers are with you.
05-03-2004, 03:58 AM
wow, thank you...!!!
i am so happy you are out of that situation, and in a loving relationship...i know it is not ez to leave...due to the whole fear, intimidatiion, control tactics...plus, i know one can get very beaten down emotionally, and that makes it very hard to leave...
i know what you mean, if he really did make good on his threats, i would be in shock...and, you are right, this sitting duck feeling is horrible....and, since he has been in prison this past year i don't have the daily reality....he says he has changed, and is in therapy..and will always be in therapy...
would you consider that...or still leave...
he knows he can not parole to me, nor can we be together until i see him stay clean and sober, and straight for a period of time..
i and i send the best to you and yours
05-03-2004, 04:18 AM
Francis, I have to give it to you, you just asked me a tough question.
Honestly, I'd say, I'd still have to go. The reason being for that is because, anyone can say that they've changed. I understand that he's in therapy and all, but a lot of people do that just to get what they want. Especially when they're in prison. I hate to say it, but a lot of people, men and women alike, have their minds closed already regardless of if they're getting "help" or not. They're doing it to get by. Even if he is trying to change, in a way, you'll always be a sitting duck, b/c you NEVER know when you're going to say, do, look, etc... to push them over the edge. The other thing is, he knows that he has to prove himself to you until you let him back in, what will happen once you let him back in? It all goes hand in hand. Anyone can be good for a period of time, especially if they want the "prize" at the end. Does that make sense?
Ex: There were times I thought he was in the best mood ever. We'd be watching tv and I'd turn the tv down one little bar if that, and he would snap. Whoop the holy sh*t out of me. It didn't matter.
The thing is Francis, you never know what button you're going to push to make them go over the edge. The thing is, you ALWAYS have to remember, that it's not your fault. It's theirs and you have to hold them accountable. That's what I didn't do for a long long time. Now, I look back and I think to myself, damn I was dumb, not only dumb but stupid b/c I LET him put hands on me. The first time for a threat, for whatever, SHAMEon him, but any time after that, SHAME on you. That's what you have to remember.
If you trust him and believe in him, cool. But if you have that nagging feeling somewhere in your head, in your heart, in your gut, listen to it and get the hell out!!! I can tell you do, b/c you're asking. Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I can tell that you're unsure and I can tell that you're tired of being a sitting duck b/c if you weren't, then you'd know without an ounce of doubt and you wouldn't ask the what if's.
I commend you for recognizing it early on. I didn't do that and I paid the consequences and I still do. It's horrible way to live. I live in fear every day of my life. I have to remember that the law isn't here for me until something happens to me or to my son. I'm the only one that can protect myself and my baby boy. I'll be damned if I ever let anything happen to either one of us.
My advice to you is: Look inside of yourself and ask yourself, is this really what I want, do I really want to be a sitting duck? Am I afraid that I coudl do something to push him over the edge ( Like I said, it can be the littlest thing)? There's so many more questions to ask yourself, but if you answered yes to either of these, then my suggestion to you, is move on with your life. Dont' let yourself be a target for something that you don't deserve. If you have kids, if you don't go for yourself, go for your kids.
I really hope this helps you. I'm here for you and I"ll help in any way that I can. I let my ex abuse me from the time I was 18 until I was damn near 22 years old. I still run from him. I'm still scared. Fortunately, I am now with a man that loves me more than anything else in the world. He loves my son as if he were his own. I want what's best for you and no I don't know your man, but any man that threatens,etc...I don't trust. I don't think you should either.
You are very welcome!
05-03-2004, 04:35 AM
hey, Tana....you make a lot of sense...and, you are right on your analysis of where i am at..on my fears, concerns..doubts.....
quite wise and strong..you are..
i know that is a horrible fearful feeling you must be in if you still need to hide from him...i have been in that fear...and the terror is beyond any fear i have ever felt.....
you survived a very bad situation..4 years sounds unbearable...
what a monster..
well, off to bed, i am typing so haphazzardly...
hope work goes well..
i will talk to you tomorrow..
darling picture of you two=}
05-03-2004, 05:03 AM
Hey Francis...I'm glad I could be of some help.
I've learned to recognize the signs, and it's unfortunate of how I had to learn them, but I look at it this way, it made me so much stronger, but yet meaner in ways.
Thank you Francis...I try and help in any way that I can.
I still run from him b/c I have a child by him. I finally left him for good about 2 1/2 months before my son was born. I never went back and I never will. He doesn't want my son, he only wants my son to hurt me. He tried to kidnap him the same day he threatend to choke the mess out of me, my son was 6 days old. I know he'd run off with my son just out of spite. He is a monster and that's why I keep my son and I as safe as possible.
Thank You. Justin is the love of my life!! I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He's wonderful!! Pretty soon, I should have some pictures of my son in the gallery. I'll let you know when so you can take a look. He's such a cutie if I say so myself. = )
I'm getting ready to go home for the night, well morning, but I'll be back in again tonight. I look forward to talking to you.
Take care. Sweet Dreams.
05-03-2004, 10:38 AM
Look at the poll! Overwhelmingly....leave!!!!
05-03-2004, 12:56 PM
thanks for the words..
i just noticed your man is in supermax...i am so sorry...those places are insane..you both are in my hopes and prayers...
05-04-2004, 10:04 PM
well i do not know if i have ever shared this with anyone but my husband had a past of abusing women he has hit me once and choked me twice i did threaten to leave but then was scared it is hard when you think someone would never hurt you then that happens i left once we talked and got back together he never touched me again but i have never forgiven him for what he did do that was the first time i have ever had to go through that but i thought after it happened i was suppose to hate him but i didn't i wanted to help him and ever since the last time wich was 5 mths before he went to jail he never touched me again and if he got angry he would go for a walk or go lay down from expierience
i do not fear my husband any longer because to me he has changed if it were to ever happen again i know that would be the end i actually think you all are the first people to know that about me well bye for now
05-04-2004, 10:12 PM
wow, missrondale.....thank you for sharing such a hopeful experience, i am sorry it ever happened...
but, to hear what you wrote is so hopefull...i mean i know i have changed so much...in ways that most would never have believed i could...we never know what is in someone's heart, nor their courage...but, your man proved what a good heart, strenghth, and courage he has!!!!
i will keep you both in my hopes and prayers!!!!=}
06-12-2004, 12:28 PM
I, too, am biased from personal experience to encourage anyone to stay with a person who has physically abused them. People can definately change but only if they are totally committed to change. If he/she is willing to go through counseling and to face their own issues that cause them to resort to violence as a way of dealing with conflict then there is hope for real change. Fronm my own experience, I tolerated the abuse for five years, would leave and go back when he'd promise to get counseling. There would be no abuse for a while after I returned, then it would start again - verbal, progressing to slaps, punching then worse. And of course he was always repentent after it happened, promising to never do it again. The last time, he grabbed up my daughter and started to sla m her into a wall because he was angry with me - she was three. I went ballistic and told him that he would NEVER make my child have that kind of fear for another human being and I left. He then pulled a gun on me and told me if I left that he would kill me. I told him to go ahead, because I would spend every ounce of my strength making him eat that gun and that I would cling so tightly to him as I was dying that he would be unable to remove my body and he would spent his life in prison for killing me (even surprised me at my quick thinking and desire for revenge but years of abuse builds a rage inside you). That was 27 years ago and he still refuses to take responsibility for his abuse. He has had three wives since then and numerous girlfriends - all whom he physically and emotionally abused. You have read the statistics. You may beat them - or you may become another number added to them.