Hello.

Please bare with me as I vent. I haven't posted an "issue" in a while...and I am feeling desperate right now. My sister and I went out for some drinks tonight and she put it all out there. She is really concerned about my relationship with my guy. And to be honest I can't blame her...loving someone on death row is not easy. And it is far from what I imagined for myself. And I can't expect her to possibly understand....And I don't blame her for speaking her mind. If she was in my shoes I would say the same thing.

The truth is I really love this man. He has given me more than anyone else ever has in my entire life. He is amazing and I love him with every ounce of my soul. I struggle with things enough without hearing my sister's concerns. She didn't bring to my attention anything new. I have thought about it all. I feel confused and hurt. I don't know how to deal with the situation. I don't want to stop loving him. At the same time I also see where my sister is coming from. *sigh* I am feeling very overwhelmed right now.

My entire life I have always wanted approval from other people. So I guess my sister's comments throwing me off shouldn't come as a surprise.

I know we all go through the disapproval from our loved ones and society. I am just distraught and feeling sad. I guess I wished I lived in an ideal world where everyone just understood.

I am not sure what to do. Leaving him is not an option. He means too much to me. How do you deal with comments from your loved one? I never thought I would be here...I always thought I was strong enough to shrug it off. Guess I'm not...*sigh*

Just needed to vent.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. While we can all understand our loved ones concerns for our welfare and happiness when we have loved ones and friends in prison, their comments can hurt and make what is already a difficult and emotional situation even harder. I heard from one of my close friends on d/row the other day and he was saying how hard it can be to have a relationship when you're on d/row, but we both then said that love - real love transends anything and everything, even peoples prejudice and ignorance. Others not in our shoes don't understand always why we feel as we do.
Personally, when anyone has said anything to me or made comments, I just accept and say to them that they are entitled to their opinion, but it is not mine. Also, say you left this guy you love, would you be happy then? Would it make your sister/family happy to see you unhappy? We have to live our lives as best as we can for us and if all we are doing is loving another human being, then I can never see this as wrong or as a reason for others to critisize us.....
Ice Blue, you sum it all up here by saying what this guy means to you and you are experiencing love that many probably never even touch on.
I know it can be so hard when family/friends don't understand but it's your life and if your heart tells you to be with this man, then I think you have your answer and I hope this knowledge you have will help you through these difficult times.
Take care
Love and smiles for you.

My entire life I have always wanted approval from other people. So I guess my sister's comments throwing me off shouldn't come as a surprise.

I cant relate to loving someone on death row, but I can relate to many other things. I have never thought of it as wanting others approval, but now that you mention it thats exactly what it is.

Other peoples opinions and what they thougth or would think have always mattered to me. I know it shouldnt, but thats just who I am.

My family is in no way supportive of my relationship with an inmate. They honestly think it will go away. It has taken me a long time to get past the fact that they will never be happy with my choice.

Like you I have found the greatest love I have ever known. I just cant give that up no matter what they or anyone else thinks. I decided a long time ago that I would rather have him and his love under these conditions then not have him at all.

I could walk away because thats what others want me to do, but I will never be happy and will never find love like this again. For every reason someone else can give you to leave you have twice as many reasons to stay

((((hugs))))

I am not saying your family is closed minded, but I have friends that are very closed minded on loving someone on death row, to the point, they think its easy to humiliate me. If I go out, and meet people, I find no man brings the joy in my heart that my friend on deathrow brings, no one treats me with kindness the way he does, all the little things he does from me, with the little supplies he has, means more to me than all the gold in the world, because they came from him, so I can completely understand your emotions.
In time though, all the stress and the "they know everything" attitude changes, and they do just give up on the topic, and i only talk about it with a few selective people. Are you in contact with his family? I find that is a huge help to, because when I talk to his mother, we both love the same person unconditionally, and its easy to talk. Also, we are here for you to vent and talk away as much as you need to. The most of all things I get off people is "what if the state of Texas kills him". Well I pray, like you all do that never happens, but if I had a choice to fall in love with him all over again, I would choose that, because love is unconditonal, and what we hold in our hearts for each other is unconditional love as well.
((((hugs)))) and dont give up, because what you share with your man, alot of people dont, as communication is all we have with them beside a few hours visits, and you find yourself pouring everything out to them on paper, and there is no communication barriers.
If you even want to talk, PM me anytime.

I have been (and still am) in the same position as you with several of my dearest friends since I got involved with a lifer. I always want my loved ones' approval too!!

It's been a very long haul to get them to try to understand. Thanks goodness they have always at least been respectful about it, but they sure make it clear they don't like it!! That was really hard at first, because I was not to going to write them off and walk away.

It sounds like your sister cares and isn't being closed-minded, just concerned. No one wants to see you get hurt. It's natural. Our world is SOOO foreign to many people.

It's hard, but with people we care about, we sometimes have to try to remember this is hard for them too, and it hurts them as well to bring it up.

Try to give it time. Try to teach her what you have learned. Eventually, the people in your life who really care will come to respect your choices even if they don't agree with them.

For me, it's been more than a year of wrangling about it all, but well worth it. My best friend just told me that she still doesn't "get" it, but she has learned from me there are other definitons of love out there. Another dear friend just told me he knows I'm stubborn, so he just gave up, and still loves me anyway! :)

(((hugs)))

stay strong your sis loves you and worries about you! Worry if she didnt, But tell her this is something you must do, your heart tells you-go with it dont fight it.
And if it was wrong learn from it, grow from it and go on-life has so many lessens.many we pass and a lot we fail but the main thing is learn from it.

Thanks for your posts. You all made some great points. I know my sister thinks she is looking out for me and she had no malicious intentions. It seems her comments hit me harder than I would have expected. I am still feeling really bummed out.

I can't wait until he calls...

Thank you again I really needed some support. You rock.

Ice Blue -- maybe you can have your love write a note to your sister telling her how much you mean to him. Or maybe you can tell her about PTO and how many good, sane people actually love someone who is in prison. Or have her read The Prisoner's Wife. She may never see it like you do, but it may help her to see that it's real love that's going on here, not someone just messing up their life. I mean, it requires sacrifice to love an inmate, especially on d/row, but that's part of real love.
Love is why God created anything to begin with, and real love is what you and your friend have found.

Jayzlove ~ those are all great suggestions. I haven't included her in my relationship....everything she said to me was based on assumptions. They have spoken on the phone once and she said he sounded very nice (she accepted the charges when I was away for the weekend).

I don't really feel the desire/want/need to include anyone in our relationship. I guess I figured that by keeping it to myself I would avoid comments. And by explaining things to her I feel like I am trying to justify my actions....and I don't like that feeling. Maybe I have approached this all wrong....and I really should try to make her see what is REALLY going on...

My approach has been that no one is going to understand so why waste my breath? Maybe that is the wrong approach.

I know what you mean ice. I have family members that say they will not talk to me anymore if I marry my boyfriend on deathrow. Just keep your head up because someone will always have something to say about anything you do.
Damaris ((abrazos)) ((hugs)):)

I had an "a-ha" experience today...it has been eating away at me ~ why does it bother me so much that someone had an opinion about 'us'. I realized it isn't that someone had something to say...it's because it was my sister. For the most part I find it easier to share with strangers or people I am not close to because I don't really care what they think. It hurt because it was someone I am close to and someone who KNOWS me so well...It was a slap in the face because basically she is saying that despite everything she knows about me and my character that I am having poor judgement in this situation.

I haven't spoken to my sister about it since. I am not sure how to bring it up or if I should just let sleeping dogs lie. I am still not 100% but definately feeling more up. Thanks for the support :) I really needed it.

IceBlue,
It is hard to love an inmate on Death Row-no, I'm not involved with someone on the Row, but I have three penpals that are there. One is way funnier than any guy I've ever met, and he treats me with more respect than the "outside" guys do. People are always going to be judgemental about relationships-my mother doesn't like me writing to them at ALL-but I told her it's my decision, and it was no longer brought up. Another inmate I write to has a long list of fighting in prison and is "a violent offender"-yet he's intelligent.

All I'm going to say is keep your head up, for your own sake and that of your man. I'm sure it's hard enough without letting your sister make you feel bad. We can't help who we fall in love with-and sometimes (especially from reading stories like yours and the other ladies here on PTO), your love is stronger than most couples have. It takes a lot of courage to love someone on the Row, and I commend you for it. Don't let anyone, even someone like your sister, bring you down. It's your relationship, not hers. I hope you stay strong and that you continue to bring your love to someone who needs it. Good luck!

i understand how you feel sparkle because i am somewhat in your situation. i have always wanted everyones approval for things i did and choices i made, and in the end no one ends up unhappy but you because everyone will not accept what you do. so i have learned to what pleases me. they may not approve of your man now but how do you know theyll aprove of the next man you choose, then what will you do??? dumpv him and try different people till they find one they like? whos to say youll like for yourself what they like for you? so do what makes you feel right. i dont let nobody tell me about my man cuz i love him so much AND hes on death row. hes still a person, a child of God and deserves the same love anyone else does. if you ever need to talk you can pm me. in the meantime your happiness is what counts most in your life. take care.

Thank you Danip and RegisSweetness.

Regissweetness ~ that is a great point. Who's to say that they will ever approve of anyone I date!! And you are right at the end of the day I have to live with myself and if this is what makes me happy then why should I suffer so they can be happy !!

My sister hasn't said anything else to me but it seems she likes to bring it up when other people are around....she's constantly telling people that I have deathrow pen pals. And it causes me to bombarded with judgement and stupid questions.
Even the people at HER work know...she works at the bank. I brought in a cheque my guy had sent me for the phone bill...and right across the top is San Quentin Prison...she had to get it initialled so they wouldn't put a hold on it...and when her supervisor saw the prison name on the top he demanded to know the story...he said no story no intials. I know he was trying to be cute and all but seriously it is none of his business. I would have rather just had a hold put on it...than have her blab her mouth off. Well wouldn't ya know it came up in the lunch room later that day. I wish she didn't tell me these kinds of things....and just kept them to herself. Don't get me wrong my sister is a sweet person and I love her dearly...I don't think she realizes how she is affecting me.

Yesterday I finally told her to stop it. It's none of her business or anyone elses and that I'd appreciate it if she'd stop telling the world. She justified it by saying that people are fascinated by it. I can't seem to get her to understand how she's hurting me by telling everyone. She agreed not to bring it up anymore...we'll see!!!!!!!!