Well, everyone please post a response to this. Sometimes I am at my wit's end. I went to visit my husband in the new place he has been transferred to, which is much closer than where he once was. This place has a program that he was interested in, which encompasses substance abuse and domestic violence. I don't think he had a real major problem with alcohol, but when we were together ten years ago, we had a major problem with domestic violence. I guess I am getting into our entire history. We used to fight quite a bit and it had a major effect on me, but, as much as a SWORE to everyone in my life that I hated him, when I reunited with him after 7 years this past August in order to leave him in my past and heal those scars, I immediately saw the changes in him and my heart was re-opened to him...or was it ever closed? I wanted to keep trying to hate him, but I couldn't. It was a force bigger than me..I believe it was God Himself. Anyway, I am glad he is in this program, it does a lot for me seeing that he would do that and commit to having this be the best marriage. I feel that he changed so much to the man that I need that I married him. My mother hates him because of where he is and what happened in our past, and I understand her feelings and she is entitled to them, but she is at the point where she barley talks to me anymore and we used to have this really great relationship. She says its because I went off on her about herself (my mom doesn't like anyone to criticize her, but she can tell you about yourself all day). NONE of my family has called to say congratulations or even to say you're stupid or ANYTHING. Sad, huh? But fortunately, many of my friends have been supportive, even though they have no clue of what it's like to be married to someone in jail. So, at the visit, we start off uncomfortably and it leads to an argument. We are both tired of arguing and we do it often. I think it may be because we got married quickly and because of our frustrations from his being in jail. He then begins to get down on himself and call himself a liability to me and not an asset, saying that he is garbage and he would rather die than be in jail any longer and he hates he can't be here with me and I am college educated and he has a "punk-ass GED" and lots of other stuff. It took a lot for me to be strong because I am very emotional but all I could tell him was to hold on and be strong and that he can count on me. No matter what, if we do argue, and no matter how much, we always fix it and come out stronger. But why do we argue so much? Does this happen to any of you? Does any of this happen to any of you? My husband has been in there for nine years, this is the beginning of his 10th. I am the last person he had sex with before he went in, but now it is a matter of making love and I wonder if I will please him. I wonder if I will be a good wife. I wonder if my family will get their asses off of their backs and be open to me. I wonder if my mother will ever be happy with herself, and if she will come around. I wonder if my husband will ever be happy because I know he is scarred that he lost this many years of his life. I sometimes wonder if he will be the man he says (but that doubt is diminishing), I wonder how our life will be when he gets out...I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. Help me out. Tell me what you think. You cannot know how glad I am to be able to come here and share everything, not just bits and pieces here and there with people in my life who may understand this and that. I know this is a lot to read, but I hope I didn't bore you.

ONE YEAR LEFT!!!

Tiffany,
You can worry and wonder about everyone in your life or concentrate and take care of the only person you have any control to do anything about..... Yourself. No matter what you can't be responsible for other people's emotions.

Take care of yourself. When you are healthy and comfortable with the choices you made this will reflect. You will feel better. WHen people see you are OK with this they will accept or not. It's not your job to justify and excuse your life to anyone. You will make yourself tired and crazy trying.

If you used to have a good relationship with your mom maybe there is hope. Realize mom's want the very best for thier daughters. Remember this when she is giving you the critisim. Sometimes they just want to be heard. Sometimes you just have to say "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way"

Alot of times this will diffuse the conflict because your not agreeing and defending All you did was just validate someone feelings. We all have the right to our feelings.

Take care of you.

Tiffany:

I am a Mom, so I relate to your Mother's feelings. She has never seen the Good Side of your Husband. She has only seen the hurt he has given to you. Her main focus is protecting you. I know, if you reach out to her, she will be there for you. She may not agree with your decisions, but she still loves you and will stand beside you if only you ask her to.

I know that 10 years is a long time. Things do change and so do people. Some of us have to learn the hard way and it seems your husband has been one of those people. It is hard on you because you have to listen to his doubts about himself along with having your own doubts.

Always remember, there is help out there. See a counselor if necessary. Join a Church and become part of that family. Become close with God through prayer and faith. Learn most importantly, that strength comes from within. When we learn to trust ourselves and our decisions, we will have more strength to deal with challenges in our lives.


My love and prayers are with you..

Donna

I agree very much with Torrey's advice to take care of "your side of the street"... I can very much relate to your constant wonder about what will happen in the future/upon his release... but to worry over a time that hasn't arrived yet is futile. I think the key is to work on your communication skills so that you can have disagreements and work out issues without a disagreement or an issue escalating into an "argument" or "fight." Undoubtedly, you will face rocky times and lots of issues and struggles when your husband is released... so now is the time to strengthen your relationship so you will be able to weather those storms together. It sounds like your husband struggles with a lot of his own issues, and know that those won't go away upon his release... you need to prepare him for the fact that life will likely not fall into place as quickly as he may want it to.... Both of you need to work on just getting through one day at a time as it presents itself... and try to find the joys as well as the struggles in EACH day... I don't know if that made any sense or not... :)

Hi Tiffany, well I can certainly relate to your feelings and emotions during this time. And it is hard to always have upbeat visits/phone conversations when we're dealing with life and they can't help out. Someone had posted a marriage seminar that you guys can do thru the mail but for some reason I can't seem to find the info. I sent away for it a few weeks ago and they just cashed my check... so when I get the information I'll be sure to let you know how it is. I've heard that it's a wonder course that helps communication and such! I'll keep you posted.

First, I want to thank all of you for your loving and kind words. I cannot explain how comforting it is to know that there are people out there who really understand exactly what it is that I am going through. This situation is absolutely not a joke and it is very difficult when you want to share some of your feelings with the ones you love, and they block you out. So THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO ALL OF YOU.

It is hard to learn to take care of myself, because I have always run away from myself and my pain and have taken care of someone else. It was easier that way than to face my own demons. Its easier to help my husband through his pain and anguish in prison than to deal with my own crap. Where do you start? I have been in counseling for a long time and have a great support group of friends.

I can understand how my mom feels, I just hope she comes around soon. I know our life after my hubby gets out won't be all wine and roses, but I know we can make it. I am trying to take this time to get to know myself and take care of myself, and to build our relationship. Will she come around in time before we have kids, or get married again? I hope so because it would makes things a lot worse, and I wouldn't be as easy to accept her back in my life.

Well, I won't write a novel again. GaPeach, please send me that info. on the marriage seminar as soon as you can. Thanks...to everyone for the wonderful advice.

Tiffany...
don't ever worry about getting things off your chest here.. no matter how long the post... sometimes just that helps... :)

TIFFANY-YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A VERY INTELLIGENT AND INSIGHTFUL WOMAN-I THINK YOU HAVE ALL OF YOUR OWN ANSWERS INSIDE OF YOU-IT IS OFTEN EASIER AS YOU SAID TO FOCUS ON OTHERS THAN OURSELVES B/C IT IS HARD TO FACE WHO WE ARE. THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY SCARY ABOUT THAT. MY PHILOSOPHY BASICALLY IS DO THE BEST YOU CAN, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS AND EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT OKAY. SOUNDS VERY SIMPLE BUT I TRULY BELIEVE THIS.I TRULY CAN RELATE TO MUCH OF WHAT YOU POSTED --AND I TELL YOU WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME--BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND EXHALE.

TAKE CARE

SHERRI

Hey Peach please email me that info when you get it it would be so helpful to me...Tiffany just wanted to say that things will work themselves ou tif you take care of you..like the others said.

Again, I want to thank everyone for the kind words. Sometimes we just gotta let all of this crap out. I am just as willing to listen and help as you all have been with me.

And did anyone notice that they changed the link from just husbands to "husbands and boyfriends"? That's good!

I think its good title if you have some of each? Boyfriends and Husbands. LOL

Tiffany, I can certainly relate. My husband has been in and out for 12 years now. I've been with him for 2 of those years. I've been through the mom thing, the arguing, the insecurities...you name it.

Kenny and my mom now have a good relationship, and her and I have repaired our own. She didn't want me to get hurt. But she sees now that Kenny is trying to make a change. But after that many years in, it's difficult and he struggles all the time. It's tough to shake the prison mentality.

Now I can't say all inmates pull the "poor me" bs, but I can say that the majority I have met do. Everytime Kenny and I argue he comes down hard on himself...then I have to deal with the paranoia that follows. It's tough to deal with. But you need to remember that they are dealing with their own insecurities...worrying if they can make it outside, how people will treat them, wondering if they can hack responsibility. Kenny tells me all the time he's afraid he won't make it. They're living in a plastic bubble of sorts that has it's own rules. They tend to be very defensive. I just let Kenny talk. When he's feeling better, I make sure I tell him how wonderful I think he is and how lucky I feel to have him in my life. It's helped a lot.

As for your mom, probably the best thing you could do is agree to disagree. If he has changed, she'll see that.

Tiffany,

I feel your pain and anger all at the same time. My mother too hates my husband only because of where he is. Yet she has never met him. As a matter of fact she wants me to get a divorce. But she cannot make me do what I don't want to do.

You have to be strong and hold your head up. On those days your husband gets down is the day you have to be even stronger. It is not an easy road. My husband has been locked up for 7 years. 2 in the county jail and 5 in the state prison.

We got married while he was in jail and right before he went to prison.

Keep your head up and be strong. I truly understand how you are feeling.

Cindy

All I can tell you is that I could have written parts of your first post and the only thing that matters truly is if your heart feels right ababout what you are doing, and even your mother doesn't matter if your heart says yes.

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing there is.

Morrigan

I haven't been here because I am finishing school, but thank you thank you thank you everybody that cared enough to write me back. I have exposed myself and gotten positive feedback, which is all I wanted in the first place. I am here to listen to you as well.

Tiffany 11 Months Left!!!

Tiffany.... was glad to hear from you again.... was starting to wonder how things were going... glad you found some comfort...