For those of you who have loved addicts and let them go, when did you decide enough is enough?

My boyfriend is a crack addict. (I do not use drugs myself) I dated him for awhile while we were in high school (over 10 years ago). He was released last August from prison after doing a 3 1/2 year bid for robbery(drug related). And we got back together about a month and half after being released( I never corresponded or contacted him from the time we stopped dating in high school, till 2 weeks before his release). We both come from good backgrounds. A few months after we started dating, he had disappeared a few times, and was naive to that whole thing and believed his excuses until his mother wised me up to the situation and I told him to tell me the truth, that's all I want and now he doesn't disappear(except once in a great while), but uses in his home mostly now, atleast 3 times a week. He is honest with me now regarding the fact he uses, when he's going to buy some, where he's buying and when he uses(at the beginning he wasn't honest with me). If I am there, at his house, and he is using, sometimes I will leave and go back to my place, and sometimes I will stay and ignore his antics. Which include him running around the house all paranoid, closing all the window shades, hiding rocks around the house, putting boots and things in front of the doors incase someone comes in, he will hear them(like his parole officer). It is truly a pathetic thing to see.


We do not have any children together. When he is not high, he is good to me. He'll make me dinner, draw me a bubble bath, rub my back, give me lots of hugs, pedicures, calls me a few times a day, when were sleeping, he holds me all night. Actually, when he's high, and I'm around him, he's not nasty to me or anything, he pretty much does his own thing and moves around me in the house. I am so hung up on this guy it's not even funny. And I don't know why, I have never allowed myself to put up with this type of crap. I am having a real hard time letting go, even though deep down I think I should. He has told me that "I'm all he's got", and that "I'm his heart". (He's not close with his mother and father and he is an only child) If he didn't care, why would he say those things? What's in it for him to keep me around? I am coming from a relationship with a guy that never did any of those things for me, and never talked to me like that, and made me feel special which I think has alot to do with why I'm so hung up on him.


I have thought about writing anonymous letters to his parole officer, not even mentioning my boyfriends name, just telling her that she has a parolee that uses, and she should check his house during this time of week. His parents are sick of this crap and his lying, and I think he's getting out of hand with the drugs. I don't think his parents will call. I don't actually think I would blatently tell on him, it's just a thought that crossed my mind as one option. He does attend group sessions at a local drug rehab clinic (this is a parole stipulation). Everytime I discuss this with him, he blames it on the stress in his life. And how no one has to deal with what he deals with at work (he works for his father, and personally I think he's the biggest asshole to walk the face of the earth, but it's still not an excuse to use). He is not accountable for his behavior. Bottom line, I hate seeing him throw his life away, and if he was locked up again, maybe his parents wouldn't worry like they do, and maybe he would decide that the drugs aren't worth it. I do know that ultimately, it's his choice and there's not anything I can say or do to make him quit. He's gotta want it.

Please help me out, with some "real world" advice. I can't talk to my family or friends about this. How do I get up the nerve to let go?

Well I have been there I loved an addict and finally left him after he was in prison for about 6 months we were together altogether 2 years. I stayed time and time again when he would swere he wasn't using and then fus up and say he was .I stayed cause well I thought ok he is stressed out so he uses or ok he is getting help this time. Well everytime he went back to using. I was making exuses for him and that is what they like for someone to feel like they do blame everything but the addiction. He went to prison sayed he was clean then got to go to work release and well he failed the drug test there so that is when I left. I just couldn't do it anymore. He was like you said never mean to me and was always doing something nice for me. But Later on I relaized that he was being mean a sense cause we would fight about things and he would blame me for things or blame someone, never was it his fault.
And Mike also said all those things about how I am his everything and his heart well I finally relized that I wasn't the drugs were, I came after the drugs, if he had to chose I really don't think he could of chose me over the drugs he could for a short moment but not a long term. And I know now that Mike was saying those to keep me around not cause he loved me but cause he thought he needed me I was an enabler to him.

You have to make this choice of leaving or not. I for one just decided it was enough I was tired of the lying of the drugs of what the drugs made him. I fianlly understood that I didn't want this life, and I was leaving. Mike has tired to contact me since I broke it off with him but I just didn't respond to his letters and dreed the day that he gets out cause he has done said he won't let me go, but he has to. I have God on my side protecting me and He will keep me safe.
Sorry to go on but I wanted to let you know I have been there too and if you need to talk pm me anytime. There is a lot of others here who have loved addicts some have stayed some have left you have to decide if you want to stay or not. Only you know in your heart what to do. Thanks for posting remember anytime pm me OK
Hugs
BRandi

Well I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I have the same feelings you do about your boyfriend. My boyfriend treats me above and beyond what most other men would treat a woman, but he has the addiction. The addiction has come in between him and I for a long time. The only reason I have stuck around for so long is the fact that I do know that he really wants to quit. He is in the rehab process right now. We have been together for over 4 years now. I have heard excuses, lies, etc. I have left him a couple of times even, but I wasn't ready at the time I guess. Like Misinmike has mentioned when they are using drugs they love them more than you. It is true. Personally I think that you can not have a fullfilling relationship with someone that is using - especially if you are clean. I was clean the whole time he was using. He never used around me. Although we I was in a relationship I always felt lonely. I didn't realize it until he was arrested. When I started sleeping alone, living alone, etc. I felt the same as I did when he was with me and at his worst. When they are under the influence and even after the sober up the drugs are still effecting their reality. I wouldn't say I was an enabler, but I would say I suffer from acute codependency. Don't get me wrong all love my boyfriend with all my heart, and I know that he loves me, but sometimes we do need to let go. I know if he can't pull himself together I will leave. I also thought about calling his parole officer or the police, but he eventually got arrested doing drugs in a hotel room. It was better off that way. I wouldn't want to have that hanging over my head, but then again that phone call may save his life. The addict isn't the only one that is influenced by drugs, that people that love the addicted are affected as well. I suggest you attedn Nar-ANon meetings. They are support meetings for people that love addicts.

Very well said Flecky, Nar Anon online helped me a lot, although I never went to a meeting, but people say it helps. I also was an codependecy, I really should of used that word instead of enabler cause I was more of the codependecy than enabler most of the time, thanks for reminding me of that. I hope your boyfriend can stay clean this time Flecky. God bless you all

iznam- this is so hard. My boyfriend is also an addict and was locked up twice because of drugs. Being in love with someone who has a problem with any addiction is one of the worst things ever. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that I know exactly what you are going through. The way he treats you (like a queen) the things he says, the anger and hurt you feel when he is using when you know what a wonderful person he can be when he is straight- all of it. Until he gets clean, the way you're feeling now will just get worse. It's horrible to watch them when you know they are high- especially if they deny it. It's good that he tells you, but then again, it doesn't seem to bother him too much that you know. It's almost like even though he knows your against it, you're still "ok" with it because you stay with him, so everythings alright. I know that very well cuz I have done it. (I don't want that to sound harsh so please don't take it that way)
All I can tell you is that this is a very tough decision to make- and only you can make it. Do you stick around and hope he gets better? Do you stay in a relationship with him afraid that some day you are going to get a call that he is locked up again, or worse, dead? Or do you walk away and hope that he realizes that he is losing everything in his life because of drugs and it is really time to straighten up. I don't know- I have had these same questions myself in the past. I have chosen to stick it out, and even though my boyfriend has slipped up a few times, it is getting better. If it were to take a turn for the worse would I stay around? Honestly, probably not. I know that I have my own life to lead and letting his life and his actions consume me is basically ruining me. Then the bitterness and the anger set in, and it's not fair to either one of us.
Your boyfriend needs to decide what he wants to do, and in my opinion, if he doesn't want to get clean or isn't making an effort, well, move on, at least for now. Your not helping him by staying with him while he is still using, and I say this because I have done the same thing! I know your feelings, your anguish, your anger, your love- it's all mixed together and so hard to deal with.
Whatever you decide, it is your decision! If you choose to leave, please know that all of us here will stand behind you all the way. If you choose to stay, the same applies. Love is strong- and if do decide to stay, I would understand that too.
Geeze, I doubt I helped you any- I just want you to know that I completely understand where you are coming from. If you need anything at all, please feel free to pm me!
Take care of you!!!!

iznam3...I know what kind of pain you are feeling. My husband is an addict and I have been with him for ten-years...since 1999, he has been in twenty rehabs, incarcerated for 15-months, etc. Two weeks ago, he was arrested for a violation of probation and I then found out he had been arrested two additional times since his release from jail in March.

You said you don't have children with him and that is a blessing.

Loving an addict is the most painful experience, personally...I can not live this life with him anymore. My heart aches typing this but I share a nine-year old child and a life with him. I suspect that you haven't been happy for a while...it's funny how the addicts every move and action becomes your own...how you become obsessed with what they may or may not do next. History tells me that my husband will NEVER change. Addiction grabs hold of more than the person that is using. It has caused my precious son so much heartache and pain and a huge sense of loss, as if his Dad has died.

I hope that you have the strength to survive the battle ahead of you, because it is indeed a battle. I suppose anything is possible if changing behavior patterns is the long-term goal. I wish you luck and the hope of a happy future, unfortunately in my case, many lives were devastated and even though the addict is no longer in my house, all the effects of his addiction have been left behind...

Wow, I know what it is like to be in love with an addict and it is not an easy thing. I lived on an emotional roller coaster for the past 8 years. The man of my dreams, my best friend, my soul mate, the sweetest man in the world had another side to him that a lot of people didnt know about....he was a meth addict. Living on a permanent high for the last 7 years. It took a lot from me before I finally let go because I wanted to believe him everytime he said he was going to stop. All the times he dissapeared in the middle of the night, all the pipes and straws I found laying around, the empty bags and I could go on and on. He didnt have to tell me when he was high, I know him to well and I could always tell. The man never folled me once. I finally kicked him out of my house after he got fired from his job dissapeared for two days and got pulled over on his way home and was arrested for posession of a controlled substance. When he was OR'ed the next day faithfully I was there to pick him up. I told him this was it and he had to get his life together or move out. Well he wasnt ready to stop so I kicked him out. That was THE HARDEST thing I ever have done in my life. I turned my back on the man I loved so much. But I had to do it, I became so co-dependant of him I lost myself in the process. I felt like I was living a double life because my family and friends had no idea the man I wanted to marry was using meth from twice a week to every day for the last 7 years. I cried for so many days and so many nights watching him pack his car and seeing him come to get his things all tweeked out broke me up inside. I felt like I lost my best friend and soul mate to the dope. But he couldnt help it and deep down I KNEW this man would change. But you have to hit your bottom before you are ready. Most addicts relapse 8 times before finally getting clean. Well after our break up things got 100% worse he was using much more frequently and got arrested several time for various reasons...all leading back to his addiction. Whatever he was doing he wouldnt have been doing had he not been high. He was a different man while on drugs, a man I hated. After his last time to jail and having to sit there for a couple weeks he saw his life flash before him. He lost his girl, his job, his apartment and almost his family and now his freedom. He finally decided this was his turn to change and he did it. He has been clean 4 months now and I am so proud of him. I took a huge step back from him while he was going through his recovery because he had to do this on his own. I never lost track of our love though and after all that we had been through in 8 years there is no way I possibily could. I now see the man I feel in love with that perfect man he always treated me like such a princess whether he was using or not. But now he is that perfect man all the time and I am so proud of how far he has come. I know he will make it through this and I hate that he had to hit so many bumps in the road before he finally quit but it had to be up to him, not anyone else. I am sorry to ramble on but I wanted you to know that everyone can change...you have to want it though and work at it every day. He still craves it a lot but he has to be stronger than those cravings. I have faith one day him and I will have our future together and one day be married. Until then my heart will always belong to him and I will always love him. His addiction actually made our love even stronger and I am so grateful that we now have a fighting chance. There are so many more things that lie ahead on our paths and many things I am going to have to change also. His addiction was a huge problem but for sure not the only one. It is a long process but there is nobody I would walk this path with besides him. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. i wish all of the luck. Keep strong and smile.

My friend and I went into recovery together. In the past 10 mos. I've learned more about myself and what addiction is and does to a person and my very brief conclusion is that any using person needs a ultimatum--me or the drugs. Period, the end.

For your sanity, safety and all else, if you want to keep hanging around while he continues to get high, that is your choice. It is a painful, yet very strong thing to leave an addict. It's just as hard to stop choosing to be an addict. I know, I was.

I don't believe the "disease theory" or the "enabler" label. If he decides to STOP, really STOP, there is AA, NA, etc., and a zillion support elements out there. My prayers for you and the choice ahead of you. It has been said, 'the job of making a decision is often times harder than any decision necessary to carry it out.'

I called his PO. I didn't care what he thought and I was not in the least bit guilty. He was breaking his parole, and going over to the other side.

When he is clean he is a doll. When he is using he is the most rotten bas***d you ever met. He was treating like my ex did(he didn't drink or use drugs he is just psycho) and I said I am not going to let another man treat me like this and called his PO. He was suppose to report the next day and instead ran off. He'll get caught eventually.

He has hit bottom now. He has no one left. His family is done and I am done. He lost his daughter. Now he has to deal with himself. Take care of himself. Make his life what he will. He chose heroin over love and life. He will either live or die. It is his choice.

You know luna child I know how it is to be in your position and I know how angry and frustrated and hurt and disgusted, etc. that you are feeling. What you have to understand is....well let me tell you about my boyfriend, he was addicted to the life and the drug and he was using meth. Heroin is the ONLY drug you can become physically dependant on, so my man was just mentally addicted. Now that he is clean and sober we have talked about a bunch of stuff and he never wanted to do what he was doing but he couldnt help it as he was so caught up and sucked into the dope game. He finally did hit his bottom and change...it can happen girl just try to be patient. I dealt with it for 8 years and it is not an easy road at all...but I wish you luck and your ex luck too. Addiction is very sad and takes over so many peoples lives terribly

I have Loved two addicts in my life. One is the father of my 3 kids the other one is Louis... Addiction is a thing that will take over all of your life if you let it.. I really want to tell you to run from this but that is what I would want to do.. If you think that you can not make this problem yours it might help.. Not everyone has the same bottom.. Some people never hit bottom!!

That is very true, someone very close to me is also an addict and I dont know if he will ever be 100% clean and sober. I guess when you love someone it is unconditional and you just have to make sure you take care of yourself. But, addiction is a terrible thing that affects many people's loved ones.

I will love his little a@@ forever. But, I can't have that in my house. I also found out he was scr**wing around on me and I refuse to tolerate that.

His family has dealt with him for 25 years. They have done everything known to man. They are done. It is tough love time. He is on his own. His mom has been an angel sent by God to help me. If it wasn't for her, I don't know where I would be. She told me I have to be strong. She said he will be coming back to you. He does love you and you are the first woman to ever stand up to him and show him your not going to put up with his s**t. He told his mom and sister both, that he loved me. I think that is the one thing that has really kept me sane. I know he loved me. And he knows how much I love him. But he also knows I won't tolerate drugs or other women. That's the bottom line. He can't do it, then it's his loss. I have mental health issues stemming from an abusive marriage and I don't have the mental strength to deal with him. He has to want it bad enough to dig into himself to find the strength to heal himself. Hitting the bottom is his only hope. And the kind of person he is, he will. But, I am afraid he is going to die, either by an OD or his own hand. So is his mom. She knows she is going to bury him. We have all accepted that fact. If he comes out of this one it will be a miracle. If they catch him before something happens, it will be his only saving grace. No one can help him now but himself and God. I pray every day that somehow something will happen to make him come around.

Have you ever been to Nar-Anon...it may help you.

I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. What I know from the side of being the problem rather than "victim" is that someone else couldn't fix me. It was only when I finally hit a bottom with no one to rescue me that I could take the actions to get and stay sober. People loved me along the way, but I lied and cheated and always made my substance of choice the most important thing in my life.
When I read the above, it seems so dumb. How could I have been that stupid!? I can't explain logically my problem...the "why" of why I did what I did. I just did what I did because I was sick, stubborn, scared, selfish and unwilling to ask for help. Finally I surrendered to my problem and got with my flock (sober folks) and did what they did. Whether I liked it or not. Otherwise, I was dangerous to me and to others. And pretty darn worthless.
Good luck to all.

Iznam - so many of us have been in the same spot. My ex is an alcoholic, witourh 6 DWIs in his sheet, though he did not drink for the 2 years he was in, this last time. He began again around Christmas, and though he was, like yours, a dream when he was sober - cooking dinner, building bookshelves, fixing anything,giving massages - he started to throw me around when drunk. I called the police. I realized that whether or not he could lick his addiction, I could lick mine - to HIM. And it hurts. But it's like any other addiction - the longing is still there, I just don't have to "use".

Very well said!