After 8 years I finally got home!

But it isnt all great. My 3 month old is now 8. I missed 8 years... we visited alost weekly - but I was the dad she came to visit and we had fun.. now I am a full time parent and a disciplinarian - hard for her to accept. "Mom doesnt do that....but mommy does this.... mommy daddy put me in time-out"
My wife has changed, shes so independant.... People want me to 'make up" the lost time... thats impossible! I cant make more than 24 hours in a day!

Heck - for 8 years scheduling was no problem - I was told when to eat, what to eat, where to be and when. Now it seems there isnt enough time to do daily living! I was able to live out of a 2 cubic foot box for all of my belongings - neatness was a priority! Now I have 1900 square feet and a small mess drives me crazy -I still wolf down my food and a knife scares me (I'm not supposed to have that...).

My kid blows a whistle and I stand still. Panic. Sleeping with someone in the bed is foreign! I love my wife and missed the snuggling - but I developed an instinct for sleeping lightly - for safty.

If someone passes and says "HI how are you today" I think "What does he/she want from me?"

There are times I want to be alone - quiet. Read. Not anti-social, its just what I did for peace the last 8 years. My wife wonders - what is wrong? is he mad? Depressed? No. I learned to live quiet - not disturb and not be disturbed. Its my peace. Now 2 tV's going, kids in the house making a rukus (yes it is music to my ears... but...)

I know it will get better, with time - but I will NEVER get rid of the stain that place left on me.

Prison was easy. Follow the rules - no problem. Learning to live again in society is hard. Yes there are laws - but I look at people in the store fighting over the last box of Cheerios and wonder "what are these people thinking" How rude. If they were in prison they would ket the crap stomped outta them or worse.
- - - - - - -
It has now been 1 year and I still think about "in there". My panics are less. I don't immediately think defensively. Some of the names of people 'in there" are fading. I am torn - do I write? do I send money? There were some great guys who helped me alot. Some even kept me with the will to continue my legal fight, or the will to live. But I want to forget. Writing just brings back the memories.

My 'decompression' continues - and it is getting easier. It has been one of the hardest yet easiest things I have ever expierienced.

My family understands. They are my rock now (and always have been). It has been them who have helped me and believed in me and my re-adjustment. We talked about it. At length. There are some things I will not talk about - they do not need to know - and I dont need to remember them.
I know they wonder. But I just cant share some events.

I have met with others that have been released and yes they feel the same things - just keep all this in mind after your loved one comes home - there will be differences... they will fade and you will eventually get your original man/woman back.

I have some funny re-adjustment stories - if you want to hear about them - just keep watching the forums - you'll see me around. It is such a great catharsis to be able to share and help others.

I'm glad you're here with us and I look forward to reading more of your posts.... Thanks for sharing with all of us... ((hugs))

Deb

Thank you for your post.I think it will help a us who have our loved ones coming home soon.
Glad you are here,welcome :)

What an awesome post. I look forward to reading more.

Thank you soooo much for writing that. It is priceless insight, answers a lot of concerns I think a lot of us share...keep it coming!

Out,

Thanks for such a GREAT post !!!! You shed lights on things that people who never went in, would never think of. I for one learned a lot from your post. Thank you.

Please keep them coming. :)

Phil

Thank you so much for sharing that with us, I also learned alot from it. After reading that you definitely opened my eyes to how my husband may or may not adjust to being back in the "free world" (as he likes to call it). We know things are not going to be a walk in the park when he gets out, but I think he thinks less of the adjusting part yet it is a fact that crosses my mind often. Thanks again, I really look forward to seeing more of your posts! :)

oh i am so glad you shared that. i love reading your posts...they are so real and insightful from the bottom of this girls heart...thank you!

This was a great post, really insightful. Thanks for sharing and looking forward to reading more.

Thanks for posting. That was great to read... you're really helping out those who may have somebody coming home soon. It's great to hear the other side, too.
thanks so much again.

My husband was in prison before and he can't stand any type of mess. No clutter, no keeping anything not really needed....

Thanks for helping us see things differently.

Thank U So Much For Sharing You Broght Tears To My Eyes .
It Will Help Me Understand My Husband Better When He Comes Come. (he Has 8 More Years To Go )

AWESOME! Thank you so so much for sharing. Truely, you just answered thousands of loved ones questions on what to expect. This will allow us to be more aware and NOT jump to conclusion. We ALL are going to have to adapt to this someday, and you just shed light on what life will be like for us. Thank you for giving us a window into an released person mind :)

Much appreciated!

Stacy

Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I have tried to consider all the difficulties we will face, but I know there are things I cannot even imagine- like the mess bothering him. I would have never thought of that! I really think your post will help a lot of us! THANKS!

Your post was absolutely insightful, enlightening, and beautiful. You covered so many topics, I would have never thought of. My man seems to want me to be under the impression that his readjustment period will be a few weeks, not months or years like I think it would be. Whats up with that? I look forward with great urgency to read more of your posts. Thank you for sharing and being open minded and displaying courage in doing so. You are helping so many :-).

Your writing is great. Congrats for doing so well at your adjustment.

I'm going to send this post to Brant.

What more can I add?? ;) Thanks for showing us what we will be dealing with when our loved one comes home.

Keep em coming!

mrsd

Thanks for being here...sure helps me right now. ALOT!!!

There are times I want to be alone - quiet. Read. Not anti-social, its just what I did for peace the last 8 years. My wife wonders - what is wrong? is he mad? Depressed? No. I learned to live quiet - not disturb and not be disturbed. Its my peace.

please share more.

Great post. I really empathize even though I and none of my close ones have been anywhere near prison...thank goodness. But I am now trying to help somehow.

I hope it just gets better and better. Obviously it is an uphill struggle but I am equally confident you will make it easily. Wish it was less of a struggle. Big hug (even though I am male).
I am sure you received lots of support from your wife and family. May you both never have to see the inside of a prison again. I am sure you will never forget PTO. I am constantly amazed by the wonderful people here (including you)

Titantoo.

After 8 years I finally got home!

But it isnt all great. My 3 month old is now 8. I missed 8 years... we visited alost weekly - but I was the dad she came to visit and we had fun.. now I am a full time parent and a disciplinarian - hard for her to accept. "Mom doesnt do that....but mommy does this.... mommy daddy put me in time-out"
My wife has changed, shes so independant.... People want me to 'make up" the lost time... thats impossible! I cant make more than 24 hours in a day!

Heck - for 8 years scheduling was no problem - I was told when to eat, what to eat, where to be and when. Now it seems there isnt enough time to do daily living! I was able to live out of a 2 cubic foot box for all of my belongings - neatness was a priority! Now I have 1900 square feet and a small mess drives me crazy -I still wolf down my food and a knife scares me (I'm not supposed to have that...).

My kid blows a whistle and I stand still. Panic. Sleeping with someone in the bed is foreign! I love my wife and missed the snuggling - but I developed an instinct for sleeping lightly - for safty.

If someone passes and says "HI how are you today" I think "What does he/she want from me?"

There are times I want to be alone - quiet. Read. Not anti-social, its just what I did for peace the last 8 years. My wife wonders - what is wrong? is he mad? Depressed? No. I learned to live quiet - not disturb and not be disturbed. Its my peace. Now 2 tV's going, kids in the house making a rukus (yes it is music to my ears... but...)

I know it will get better, with time - but I will NEVER get rid of the stain that place left on me.

Prison was easy. Follow the rules - no problem. Learning to live again in society is hard. Yes there are laws - but I look at people in the store fighting over the last box of Cheerios and wonder "what are these people thinking" How rude. If they were in prison they would ket the crap stomped outta them or worse.
- - - - - - -
It has now been 1 year and I still think about "in there". My panics are less. I don't immediately think defensively. Some of the names of people 'in there" are fading. I am torn - do I write? do I send money? There were some great guys who helped me alot. Some even kept me with the will to continue my legal fight, or the will to live. But I want to forget. Writing just brings back the memories.

My 'decompression' continues - and it is getting easier. It has been one of the hardest yet easiest things I have ever expierienced.

My family understands. They are my rock now (and always have been). It has been them who have helped me and believed in me and my re-adjustment. We talked about it. At length. There are some things I will not talk about - they do not need to know - and I dont need to remember them.
I know they wonder. But I just cant share some events.

I have met with others that have been released and yes they feel the same things - just keep all this in mind after your loved one comes home - there will be differences... they will fade and you will eventually get your original man/woman back.

I have some funny re-adjustment stories - if you want to hear about them - just keep watching the forums - you'll see me around. It is such a great catharsis to be able to share and help others.

Great post and thanks so much for sharing. I find it so interesting how each individual is just that ~ individual, the adjustment period and details of are so different, complex, unique. I look at my man making an easy adjustment and I'm happy for that but I know that is not the case for so many for a variety of reasons. Posts like yours will help so many to understand where their mates are coming from.

Thanks again,
Patty

I feel like my man could have written that! Oh man. Thank you for writing. I look forward to you posting again. I get so caught up in my needs, stress and wants, that it is hard to see it from his side of it. I do try though. When I do, I usually shut up and leave him alone. Thanks again!

Wow! I cant believe it has been that long ago I wrote that! God have things changed! I wont bore you with my sucesses, but I will brag that we now have another child!

Adjustment? Total? No way. I couldnt sleep tonight - still some disturbing dreams creep in - so I thought I would post.

I cant seem to "let go" totally of that place. Its always there. Kinda like a kids fear of the basement... even when they get the guts to go there that memory of the fear is still there.

I have written those few that were helpful, and yes, I have sent money - because I can. I got approved for a special visit to a very close friend but when the day came to go - I chickened out. I just couldnt go near the place.

I now snuggle with my wife in bed - and can tolerate the sounds of everyday life - and snicker at the kid arguing over breakfast. I have found my peace and quiet by taking walks, or drives to nowhere and just sitting for 20 minutes.

I refuse to eat off of a tray and am still repusled at the sight of a "spork" - cafeteria type restaraunts are a no no.

The strange thing is, I cant let go of my cravings for 'cup 'o noodles' or Ramen noodles.... and my 10 year old gets a kick outta seeing all of my prision "mcguyver" tricks - like boiling water in a paper milk carton - fuelled by toilet paper, homemade flashlights for bedtime reading (red LED's make for a great reading tool at night).

I drive my wife crazy with my ability to pack PILES of stuff in small areas, and my obsession with my job - it is so rewarding to get handed that paycheck (even when it was minimum wage!). The fact that I do not have to have my haircut "regulation" makes me look like a balding redneck with a mullet really pushes her over the edge, but I do it because I can.

So I guess one does readjust. Time. Patience. The ability to adjust when the memories do leak back in.

Wow, I was wondering who had posted on this post several years after it was started :) Glad to hear that you are doing well, and congrats on the new kiddo!! My guy and I don't talk about him being in prison much, but we do sometimes ... like when I see Prisonbreak, I ask "Was it really like that?" and he said "No, God No, it's so different -- this or that would never happen in there!" A balding redneck with a mullet, huh? Sounds attractive! ;)

Thanks for the update. I wish you more success as your journey contines.

Another youngun huh:)! how wonderful! Nice to hear from you again and that you're still doing well!

Thanks for sharing and that's for the update. I'm laughing about the ramen noodles cause from what I hear that's the last thing they ever want to see again...LOL. Congratulations on the new arrival!!! It's good to know that things are going well for you.

Thanks for sharing ,it was happy and heartbreaking to read,and I look forward to reading your further posts,it would be interesting to read what advice you would give to inmates who are preparing for life on the outside.

I think you should take up writting and get it all out and who knows make some money doing it cause you have a way and a flow that keeps one wanting to read more.

Thanks for the update. You don't realize your post shined a light on me this morning. I thought I knew how to handle my man, who has been released 4 months ago. I was just prepared to battle if his bahavior was bad, if he wanted to run the streets that's the easy part. But I wasn't prepared to deal with HIS emotions. What's a lieutenant to do when the troop isn't any type of bahavior problem?? He would do or say other little things(not disrepectful to me) that I wouldn't understand. I figured once he was free and had a place to stay, a wifey and child that loves him, that would be all he needed. But it's much deeper than that. Thanks to you breaking it down it explains alot of things. I wish you and yours much continued success and happiness.

How wonderful to hear your words. I aksed my husband one time about some things like this. I think it takes a long time to really reajust to being out here. All of us have had to become very independent and its hard to let go and share. Keep up the good work--being free is so much more fun.

Great post , Thanks for the incite

Great post, Thank You.

I appreciated the first post as well as the update. Thank you! I won't say that I worry about what it will be like when my husband comes home but I do think about it.