OK i HAVE A QUESTION AND i HOPE THAT SOME COULD HELP ME... i'M NOT IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I'M WITH SOMEONE THAT HAS ALOT OF ANGER ISSUES AND TAKES THINGS OVER BOARD... HE HAS TOLD ME THAT IF I DO THIS OR IF I DO THAT HIS GOING TO F ME UP BUT HIS NEVER DONE SO... SO MY QUESTION IS HOW DO I DEAL WITH A PERSON THAT HAS ANGER ISSUES HOW DO I TALK TO HIM SO IT DON'T EXCALADE TO IT..

ANY HELP WITH BE GREAT
:thumbsup:

It's not a matter of not escalating the fight. ABUSE IS ABUSE...this is just not physical.

NOBODY should threaten you or talk down to you like that. I have been in a abusive relationship, as well as grew up surrounded by domestic violence. The more he talks that way, the more chance you have that he WILL put his hands on you.

I'm sorry Rosie...I don't pass judgment or pry into people's business, but I have been following your posts, and your boyfriend sounds dangerous to your physical and mental well being.

All I see is the lying, and threatening, and TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT he has for you. You sound like a beautiful and caring person. I don't point a finger at anyone else because my past history with my boyfriend is not all positive. This man sounds like he needs help and needs to make changes in his life. I don't say that you shouldn't be supportive or stick by him, but I think that you need to lay a set of rules down on how you DEMAND TO BE TREATED.

If my boyfriend ever threatened to f**k me up FOR ANY REASON, those would be the last words he would utter to ME.

Please understand that I am only trying to be helpful. Your posts worry me that you are headed for much more heartache and perhaps worse.

I'm being blunt again. Get rid of him before he makes good on his threats.

The only way I can imagine responding to a statement like that is, "Yeah, buster, and end up right back behind these bars..." Even if he's kidding that kind of talk just don't fly.

Rosie - Read your own post over and over again... You *ARE* in an abusive relationship even if you choose to not admit it. What cottontail said holds a lot of truth to it! From what you said it seems like you're walking on eggshells around him...always trying to find the RIGHT words to say to prevent the next fight. I work with domestic violence victims and I hear that same line day in, day out. All physically violent incidents my victims are involved in start out with verbally abusive arguments first. He sounds like he's a time bomb just waiting to go off. In that sort of situation there's absolutely nothing YOU can do. It's a problem he has and it doesn't seem like he's realizing he even has a problem.

Please, take care of yourself!!!

I Think That You Should Be Very Careful...

You know this sounds very familar to me, I went through a situation like this a few years back. I beg you, please leave while you still can before it gets to the point where you can't. There is never any excuse for any type of abuse, even if its not physical. When I first met my ex, at the end of our dates he would always sulk and pout and he said it was because he didnt want me to go home. I thought it was sweet and we eventually moved in together. The moodiness only got worse. He was jealous, possessive, verbally, and eventually physically abusive. He would keep track of the mileage on my car, always accuse me of looking at other men when I wasnt, wouldnt let me go out with my friends, called me a whore and a stupid bitch and other nasty things, he would throw food at me if it wasn't exactly the way he liked it, and he threatened to kill my dog. Then when things got physically abusive, he would choke me, smack me, and punch me. Then it escalated to him slicing my leg with a knife in front of his younger brother and sister. The final straw was when he held a gun to my head. He couldnt believe that I finally had enough and said "Im out". All he could say was "baby, you know I would never hurt you, the gun wasn't loaded-you should have known that". LMAO....Anyways, my point is that you should end the relationship before he gets the chance to end it for you. Please be careful and think about the situation again.

wow it looks like alot or people go through this pretty bad.. I would like to hear more on this.. it scares me to death about getting physically abused I mean his pushed and shoved and I keep telling myself that it's not going to get worse but this whole time he was on something...he promised me that he wasn't going to do any of that stuff so i got to give him a chance with out that stuff in his body!

I'm also in a violent relationship, the other day he told me if I left him he would kill me. He has cheated and lied so many times, the sad part is I can live with the physical abuse it's the mental abuse that kills me. So he say's he never wants to hurt me again, that he's a new man. Well he apparently hasn't graduated that class, he threatened me by saying he would kill me if I left.
The sad thing is we got married in August 04. I know I love him , I just hope he will change. I still have my thumb in a cast, from the last go- around we had, and he's been gone since May 04. I lost everyone due to taking him back. So I guess I really need to talk about it. Sorry Guys.

Don't ever apologize, jasonsbuttafly... You have nothing to be sorry for.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk sometime. I'll always have an open ear to this sort of situation...

Take it from someone else who has been there - it's abuse. It usually starts off that way, the control factor - you can't do this or you can't do that or else...trust me, it only gets worse. Once he's figured out he's got control over you, the verbal abuse gets compounded with physical abuse - another form of keeping you in line.

You can talk to him about it, but if he's not open to the fact that's being abusive or starts blaming it all on you, you're wasting your breath. If you are going to talk to him, make sure it's in a public place and he's in the right frame of mind, maybe during a nice dinner together, or after having a good day together. My only piece of advice other than that is not to start the conversation off with the abuse issue - start talking about other things, let him become involved in the conversation, and then broach the subject. He may feel like he's being attacked otherwise and shut you right out, or worse.

Good luck to you - you're in my prayers.

Alot Have Said That It Sounds Like Early Abuse So I'm Going To Mention This To Him

Well honey I am having the same problem with my husband so I don't know what to tell you. It's a difficult situation for sure and it's not as easy to just dump him as some people would think. It is a lack of respect and I have talked to my husband about this but he is very hard headed and I guess it just goes in one ear and out the other cause he doesn't change. At the moment he is being nice but the thing about it is that they can change into that other mean person at any time and there's nothing you can really do about it except keep yourself safe. I guess time will tell and if anyone has any good advice I need it too!

I feel so discouraged sometimes when I see women so caught up in the cycle that they absolutely cannot see where it's going to take them. I nearly lost my life because I wouldn't listen or seek help for many years. It never gets better. It always gets worse. Period.

If a woman doesn't break the cycle and get some help for herself, she'll go from one abusive relationship right into another, always believing it will never happen to her again or believing that THIS time, he's really changed. Or sticking with the same man till she's either permanently disabled and disfigured or dead. The man will swear it's the last time, cry, go to church, go to counselling even-------and all of it is to keep her there or get her back. None of it means anything. The cycle continues.

I look back on all the years of my life that I wasted, trying to "work it out" with one after another. Thinking I was smarter than to ever get into another abusive relationship. Thinking he'd really changed. Getting my hopes up because he went to AA, went to church, went to counselling-------yadda yadda. Thinking I was doing what God would have me do in sticking it out (and believe me, abusive men will run that one into the ground.)

I pray that all of you will stop this cycle, seek counselling for yourself (women's shelters usually give it for free and you don't have to be staying there) and salvage some of your lives before you've seen it all wasted on abusive relationships. Or before you lose your life, because that's where it can so easily end.

I edited this to change "I pray some of you will stop this cycle" to "I pray ALL of you will."

toi ama,

I second that emotion!

my man has never been abusive but he does have an anger problem. I know that when he gets angry just to move out of his way...I try and not say anything to get him more upset I try to make him understand certain things.. We just gets this way from one subject and it's my fault that I bring it up and i don't let it go... I know your probably saying that it ain't my fault but if I jsut learned to leave things alone than i wouldn't get him so angry but me being such a big mouth and nosie about everything..

I always told myself that when I got out of my relationship with my abuser, I would make a conscious effort to help others. Without the help from some of you on prison talk, I would still be in it. My relationship started out with him just getting angry like yours. I didn't think of it as abusive, but threatening to do anything to you is abusive. You may think of it as an empty threat, but most likely it isn't. A real man, who really loves you, won't make threats. Billy, my ex who is in prison, started out angry, but then came the unrelentless control over everything I did, ate, listened to, people I talked to, what I wore etc. Then it escalating, day by day, little by little without me even knowing it, until I tried to leave the house one day and he wouldn't let me. I tried to get out the door and he shoved me a few times, I tried again, and he hit me. Of course he was also using a lot of meth, which made each confrontation scarier and scarier. Now he is in prison and will be out in January. He keeps writing letters, even suicide letters to get my attention. He would call and call, until I changed my phone number. Now, at work, I pick up the phone and hear, "This is MCI. You have a collect call from an inmate at....." Because I stayed with this person for so long and ignored all of the signs, I will be in great fear in January. He has been to prison for stalking two women before, has sexual assault charges, and many more that I didn't learn about at first...until it was too late. I may have to move, quit my very good job, and start my life all over. Please, don't ignore the signs...it was so hard to leave Billy...but things did get better.

Wow that is so scary. But because of my angry, abusive husband I also may have to move and quit my job and rearrange my whole life just to be safe. So I can relate.

honey, i was in a relationship where he talked down to me so bad. i have never had that before, someone so jealous or possesive. he said he would never hurt me but i was a little apprehensive when he would say things like "im gonna fuck you up" and bla bla bla. well turns out, i made he mad one night and low and behold...he threw me over a chair and gave me a concussion. i was shocked, it was horrible. then when i tried to leave him he threatned to kill me and ALLLL this other mess. and it started from little things. that is my point. i never thought that would happen to me. i am very normal and so was he. i am just telling you...BE CAREFUL. take those little signs seriously, i sure wish i did. ~ashtynn

I Will Keep An Out On The Signs. I Know That Some Are There.. So I Know I Have To Be Careful

Sorry but I have to say he would be gone!!

"I try and not say anything to get him more upset I try to make him understand certain things.. We just gets this way from one subject and it's my fault that I bring it up and i don't let it go ... I know your probably saying that it ain't my fault but if I just learned to leave things alone than i wouldn't get him so angry but me being such a big mouth and nosie about everything.."

I don't think that you understand how far this thinking is from the norm and that saddens me to no end.

it's my fault that I bring it up and i don't let it go With this statement you have excused his anger and blamed yourself for it. He now has a free pass to get pissed whenever he wants because he can now blame it on you and what you did or didn't do.

My dad had a temper and I vowed hundreds of times that if I ever lived to adulthood I would never have a temper like his, and I don't. I get pissed and upset just like every other person on this earth but I don't take it out one someone. He'd burn his mouth on the coffee then throw a fit, I'd sit down on the couch to fast and he'd loose it, door would get stuck, logs for the fireplace wouldn't stay stack so they went flying, etc etc etc..................

What did I learn? Absolutely nothing that I did or didn't do would change his anger. Nothing. The problem is not with you but with him and as soon as you understand this the better off your life will be.

I to am in a abusive relationship when we first met i didnt know about his anger and being arrested for hitting his x wifes bf with a two by four and causeing the man damages hes been in jail two times with his x wife and two times with me and its getting worse its worse when he drinks he has a mental problem called Explsive Disorder where he can explode with a drop of a hat and he has here latley i stay cause i have no place to go i dont have family and he knows it i dont have a car so i have to walk if he dont hit me he will verbaly assult me and i have been told im dumb and stupid and he will tell me he hates me he thinks im plotting against him i have problems im trying ot deal with im in the process of being sued for 4,800 cause of a check that was sent to me that turned out to be counterfeit and i cant deal with worrying about that and worryin about him i dont work i take care of him but why he dont tell me hes sorry for anything at all im the one that will say im sorry and i dont know what to do or where to go to i love him and i know its stupid cause i know one day that i might not walk out of this relationship cause he already told me he would bury me and i konw what he means but i still am with him i guess im praying that he will change or his therpisy will see whats going on i had allready told them about whats going on so i dont konw we go to Morgantown Tuesday for his threatment at Cresnut Ridge in Morgantown so who konws they might put him in i dont know what to do if they do i dont work i have no income he is the only one that does i guess that is why im still here i have no mom my mom died when i was 2 and i only have my x hubbys gf and her mom that i talk to and my two kids that is 19,16 and he has even started on them to and my son is 19 and he and him got into a few fights so i dont konw i live in Wv and im alone

angel... I'm so sorry you are in that horrible situation. You have to leave if you want to be safe. I would run to the local womens shelter. If you don't know where if is call the emergency room and they can tell you. You will be safe at the shelter, they won't let him know you are there.

There are lots of women out there that have been thourgh the same thing. You will find them in your home town in the womens shelter.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! PLEASE RUN!!!

My man is in prison and he attempts to control me from behind bars. He tells me how he wants me to wear my hair, to let my nails grow (or don't visit), and he doesn't like for me to go out with friends. We have been on a visit before and a person (guy) will walk behind him and I glance up he'll swear I'm looking at that person. We had a family visit and I nodded back at a guy that nodded at me and he said don't ever disrespect him like that again and went on and on. Then he made some comment later about me ending up in a hospital. He is in prison due to the fact he burned his ex-girlfriend. So I know all the RED FLAGS are there but I have been with him for so long and I love him so much and it's sooo hard. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Well has he ever been physically abusive toward you? Or is it just a control thing at the moment? I would be very cautious with this guy seeing that he burned his ex. That's scary!

This is my first time to speak up but after reading your post I felt I had too. My husband started out about 2 years ago with mental abuse. Two weeks ago he used a knife on me. I guess what I am trying to say is it doesnt get better, it escalates over time. Take advice from someone who has been there. Get out while you can!!!
Take Care!

I want to say something to those women who are still in an abusive relationship. Please, get involved in your local domestic violence prevention center, or call the hotline. the national number is: 1-800-799-7233.
I just got out of an abusive relationship with a man I waited for when he was in prison. I didn't know the signs because I wasn't educated in domestic violence. I finally had to get an order of protection, have it served on him at work, and then he was put in jail because he immediately violated it. I found out from his parole officer after everything came down (he had threatened to kill me many times) that he had actually killed his fiance by throwing her off a 4th floor balcony. He had lied to me about the exact nature of his crime, saying he killed a street associate in self defense during a drug deal gone bad.
He lied, lied, lied to me. I had suspected he abused his first wife, but didn't actually find out until after he went to jail. He had tried to kill her, and held her hostage on a number of occasions as he did to me. He subjected me to cruel emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. It kept getting worse and worse.
I came a few seconds from being killed by him. a few seconds!! I came home to get some things after staying in a hotel overnight with my daughter (whom he also abused) and felt in my guts that he was in the house, even though it was deathly quiet, I backed out of the house and ran to the car and called the police. They came and arrested him. He tried to lie his way out of it, but still got some jail time, and now he is getting extradited back to his home state because of parole violation. I have written to the parole board, written to officials in his home state. Everyone is on my side, even his family. I stood up to him, and he finally saw that he can't mess with me anymore. Unfortunately, he will probably never forget. He will blame me for the rest of his life. I feel so free now that I'm out from the relationship. I did it, and so can any of you out there. I feel for you, I pray for you, and I hope that you find the courage and strength to get out. Take care and God Bless you all

sweeties listen to some one who has been through it all if you read when the truth hurts my post on hear to hear you . it never gets better only worse it starts with threats and ends with death or crippled ,in a comma or paralyzed , get out if you are scared he wont let you go wait till he is gone take what you can and go . your local DHR office or human resorce office has programs to help get you to safty even setting you up in a apartment and paying deposits . i am on one of those programs my ex was so bad they have moved me 6 times because he finds me ,but mine is a different story . please dont say but the kids love and need there dady . you are doing them more harm by staying . children become what they live boys become the abuser and girls learn to take the abuse . i made these mistakes with my children i saw the damage it did because they wanted their daddy . they are kids ,they dont know what is good for them. i had my kids tell me they would have been better off if i would have left years ago. my son who is 22 now told me before i left his dad that i was going to be the reason he ended up in prison for killing his dad to protect me. at 12 years old he pulled a loaded shotgun on his dad to keep him from beatting me to death . so with this in mind think carefully and then decided what is best for you

Wow, this thread is fascinating. The stories are compelling, the fear and pain is evident in them all. Rosie, I must say that your man is an abuser, whether you recognize it or not. Funny how we women tend to raise the bar when it's OUR men doing these things. What I mean is, we'll rationalize it like crazy. "He yelled at me, but he didn't threaten me, so it's not abuse". Then, "he threatened me, but he swears he'd never hurt me, so it's not abuse". Then, "he shoved me, but he didn't HIT me, so it's not abuse". Then, "he hit me, but it was with an open hand, not a punch, so it's not abuse". And FINALLY, "ok so he punched me, but I provoked him so it's not his fault".

Been there, done that. Actually I've been on both ends of it. Abuser and abusee. My husband took a LOT of crap from me, and I from him. Usually, experts do not like to hear about chemicals being to blame for it, because under the chemicals is still a person that is making the choice to be violent or not. HOWEVER, I think Meth is in a class by itself as far as turning folks into different, RADICALLY different people. Meth Psychosis is very real. There are people out there who have absolutely no predisposition to violence, who get hooked on meth, and become absolutely crazy and violent. Those are the ones I have full belief in that if they get help, if they get the right tools, AND if they hold themselves 100% accountable for what they've done, can change for the better.