I'm not a parent of an inmate but I'm looking for feedback from parents. My brother-in-law is an inmate(http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7710)

I know he has done a lot of things over the past years that have hurt, frustated, angered, etc. his parents. I do understand they have have been hurt. However, right now he is sitting in jail waiting to go to prison in a couple of months and needs his parents. His parents have no contact with him. He has written them a couple of letters and they have yet to respond.



Have any of you gone through this?

Did you finally come around?

What made you come around?

How long did it take?

My husbands parents have never come around. They have been detached from him for years - well his father has. His mother, will on occasion, sneak and mail a card. My father-in-law would have strictly forbidden it, and if he had known, my mother-in-law would have hell to pay.

According to my husband's baby sister my father-in-law says he loves Wayne, he prays for him daily, but he can't deal with the heartache again.

I haven't been through what he's been through with Wayne, so I don't judge him. This man is in his 70's now and will it be worth it to live out his days, not knowing his oldest child, when Wayne is just a letter away?

I know that has to be hard for him. I rember when i first found out that Michael ( someone i grew up with) was in prsion. I wrote him and through our correspondane I learned that Aubt Marvis( his mom) and his sisters would not write Michael. The would how ever send him a little money like on his b_day and christmas. I called to tak to them about this. His sister did'nt know what to say to him. meaning that she was afraid to talk abotu their life out here cause they thought it would mame things worse for michael. Knowing that Michael would never see the out side of those walls. I explained to them that was the last thing Michael wanted. He wanted to feel apart of the family. I told them it makes these guys feel like they are not apart of the family when you treat them like they dont exist. Michael sister now writes him more then she did. I know for them that it is hard for them as well. The could not handle seeing Michael lock up for the rest of his life. as i told them, it is time to face reality, he is thee and he is never getting out. It is more about not accepting what has actually happen. I know that is the case for alot of these guys.,

best wishes to you andf your family

The father of the inmate needs to get around his hurting and show his son the love that he is keeping inside. The hurt is there and could be there for eternity but he needs to forgo some of his feelings and show his son the love that is in his heart.

as i have not had the experience of having a child...or an incarcerated child...i cannot speak of my own experience.

what i do believe to be true is that if you b.i.l. receives as much support as he can from the people who are willing to give it...this support will have nothing but a positive effect. no, it will not replace the love and support of his parents. but we cannot control who or what they are...

tara, you can affect your own responses. you can perhaps be an example for them. you can try to talk to them. and you can do whatever you feel like you can do to help your b.i.l.

my other question is...how hard has he worked to reach out to his parents? is he doing everything in his power on his end to work on the relationship? if not, perhaps he should start...i know you mentioned that he wrote "a couple of letters..." maybe he needs to do more?

i wish him luck. it's so tough on so many of us to have someone incarcerated. not everyone handles it well right away.

all the best,
emme

I have two sons. The oldest is in prison, although he is about to get out. He will be paroled on the 31st of January. He was involved in an auto accident, which was clearly his fault, and he ended up serving about 13 months. We have supported him and will continue to. His lawyer cost $12,000 and I am being sued by the wife of his friend who died in the accident. I think I am being sued because they think I have money. I do have some, although I am far from wealthy.

My other son has been a least as bad a problem. He has stolen from us, lied constantly about everything and been in jail where he is now for hot checks. He is looking at a prison term in Florida. He is 22 and has been completely irresponsible and dishonest since about age 17.

Still, he is our son. We get mad. We swear we won't help this time. But we can't bring ourselves to let him catch a lengthy prison term without getting him legal help. This son disappears for long periods and we know he is up to no good and that he will end up in jail. He doesn't seem to care about contacting us until he needs help.

These two boys are luckier than many in prison in that they have family with some financial resources to pay for attorneys and soften the blow they have earned for themselves. Still we wonder if we are doing the right thing. It might be better to let them face the consequences on their own.

It is pretty tough on a parent to have both sons end up in prison. It has been expensive paying for lawyers, but what do you do when they are faced with long prison sentences if you don't pay up? I don't think many of these young men realize how much anguish they cause their families.

It is humiliating and expensive, but you have to stick with them.

I too in the beginning, totally disowned my son.... I told him that no son of mine would do this kind of thing.... I was so very angry and hurt and I could not let go of it mostly because I saw the hurt it caused my other two sons and how they reacted to this situation... Also, remember, I have 6 grandchildren from 19 to 5 yrs old. It hurt them too.

But, as time went on, about 3 months, I remembered him growning up and the love he showed me. Butch was never a disobiediant child. He never caused me problems, he did what I asked him to do. He never used drugs, smoked or drank... So, I remembered all this and I realized that I absolutely could not turn my back on him when he needed me the most ever.

Yes, I have spent great sums of money for his defense and appeals. All parents go through this. And, it usually never works.

Any parent should sit down and think within themselves, IS MY CHILD ACTUALLY THIS BAD? If you come up with the answer yes, then you still must insure that you get that Child some mental health care. Something has happened that has caused this anger within him.... Don't ever give up on your children.... You made them and they are your blood.

Donna

Originally posted by emme

my other question is...how hard has he worked to reach out to his parents? is he doing everything in his power on his end to work on the relationship? if not, perhaps he should start...i know you mentioned that he wrote "a couple of letters..." maybe he needs to do more?



I think in his mind he has tried very hard in the past to work things out with his family. When he doesn't get the results he wants right away he gets discouraged and gives up. Then they see it as him not caring and only coming back when he needs them.

He has been in jail for just abut a month now and has written his parents twice. I guess the 1st letter was mostly an apology and the second was started out at as an apology and turned into a "how can you desert me" letter. As far as I know they have not written back to either letter.

I know it's very hard for them to understand what his life has been like. They live in two completely different worlds. I do hope they will realize that he needs their love and support. Even if they write back telling him how upset they are I think it will mean something.

My husband and I have both told him he needs to put a lot more effort in if he wants some sort of realtionship with them. We also both told him that he can't expect to have the same relationship he had before all this stuff started. I know they 3 of them need to meet somwhere in the middle.

I guess only time can tell...

TARA.....I HAVE NEVER TURNED MY BACK TO TODD.....AND I NEVER WILL.....AFTER ALL HE IS STILLMY SON NO MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED........TELL YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW TO HANG IN THERE ........MAYBE HIS PARENTS WILL COME AROUND..........SHERRON

For me, this post was indeed thought provoking and very timely. I love my son without a shadow of a doubt. I have been there for him through thick and thin. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict and he has been in and out of prison since he was 13. He is now 28, and a year and a half ago he went down once again for the sixth (6) yes read 6th time.
He has lied, cheated, used, stole and hurt me beyond belief. He has lied, cheated, used, stole and hurt everyone that is close to him. He has stolen my jewellery and household effects to pawn, my money out of my purse and my pockets.
I have stuck with him always. I have always been there, visits every second weekend, mail, cards, money in his account.
Almost 2 years ago he came home after serving 2 years of a 4 year sentence, paroled early as they thought he was doing so well. At my last visit I told him I was so happy that I would never have to visit him inside again, nor would I. He went to a half way house and he was doing so well. He got a job and was attending his CA meetings. His sister bought him $500 worth of clothes, I got him a tv, stereo and gave him my old car to drive on the condition that he payed for the registration and insurance. Life was good and I was so incredibly proud of him for making a new start and I told him that constantly. I believed at 28 he had enough.
WRONG !!!!!!! 2 months later he was back on the crack and AWOL from the halfway house. Again, he had deceived us. We all thought he was doing so well.
He robbed a bank, stole a car and took off, only to be arrested once again. Ironically he was caught, driving the wrong way down a one way street.....
So after this long winded post, I say when do we draw the line, do we ever? I don't know. My hurt and my anger is still so fresh after almost 2 years. I have talked to him and told him how I feel and he understands but I know it must hurt him that I am not the mom he knows. I find it so hard to be nice when he phones and I cannot bring myself to tell him I love him. I am still so angry at him for making the choices he did and for hurting me, his sister and his 7 year old daughter once again.
Lee has been transferred closer to us and I can go and visit but do I want to? Not at this point in time. I love him but I hate what his choices have done to us. Maybe he needs to do his own time for a while, instead of having his mom making life easy for him with visits, mail and money. He has never had to do it on his own.
Thank you for asking this question, I needed to put down in words what I am thinking.
Gillian

I just cannot understand the concept of some parents, I guess we are all different. I love my children and no matter what I will always be there for them through thick or thin, I brought them into this world they didnt ask to be born and as long as I live I will stand by them no matter what...hugs, JER

I have a bit of an update....

My husband was over his parents house yesterday for the Super Bowl and he brought up the fact that Mark had written us a few letters and both of us had responded to him. They said that they had recieved 2 from him and had not written back but they are planning on writing back.

My husband also mentioned that he may got visits Mark in jail. I guess my father- in-law was receptive to the idea of my husband visiting Mark.

I have no idea what the tone of theirl letter will be but I think it's a good thing that they are planning on wrting him back.

Obviously everyone reacts differently when faced with this nightmare. I've never known anyone personally that had to deal with it, and I thought I would be the last person to ever have a son in jail. But life loves to throw those curves. I just recently had to say good bye to my only son, he turned 19 while in county jail awaiting his transfer. Like many of the other posts, my son too has spent the last couple of years doing just about everything he was raised not to do. My emotions have run the gamut....anger, resentment, confusion, heartbreak etc. I never could have imagined you could hurt so bad and go on living.

What he has done to himself and the rest of my family has forever changed us all, there is no doubt about it. But none of this, at least for me, has changed the fact I am and will always be his mother and I love him with all my heart. I will write the letters, accept the collect calls, send the money and make the visits.

Beans-mom

I can understand and hear the frustration and pain in your voice. he has betrayed you repeatedly and broken your heart and done it again and again even after doing so well, being off the drugs and alcohol. Your post helped me understand how my davids mom feels..She is so hurt and devestated this time around more so than any of the other 13 years he's been locked up in and out..4 years being the longest term. He too had straightened his life then BLAM right back on drugs and within 2 months right back in jail...I try to be compassionate, but how can I really understand when I don't have a child in prison. Love the sinner not the sin...you don't have to like his choices and actions, or hwo he is under the influence of crack cocaine. But love is hard to express especially in anger or disappointment, but your son really needs to hear that you still love him..it doesn't say you forgive or condone it, but my suggestion is tell him you love him, because I hate to think what would happen if God forbid a tradjedy..could you live with how it would feel having never said that? I don't feel love because of davids actions...and it's like choking on something saying it, but i love who he was drug free...but because of the hurt I feel, it's a struggle to say it..I force myself, because somewhere deep down I love him, I just HATE what he did..I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
Sunnie

Hi
How are you and David doing? And of course, how is his mom doing lol? I was thinking about you today for some reason so I thought I had better post to you.
Things here are pretty much the same. Lee was transferred close to us but he lost his visiting privileges until June. His sister and I will be going to see him then and we are bringing his daughter with us. Should be interesting.
Hope all is well in your world.
Gillian