I tried to post this last night during all the commotion, but I guess I took too long and the computer lost the post. I am in an abusive relationship, and because I am a male, most think it impossible.

I got a bad reputation when I was 19 years old, I'll be 38. My 1st wife had abused my 3 month old daughter and CPS called me at work. When I got home the neighbors were all there, and it seems my wife had slapped my daughter so bad the hand print was still there 45 minutes later. CPS released my daughter into my care, but after everyone had left I beat my wife up. I am not proud of that fact, but it happened. My family allowed my daughter and I to move in with them, so I left my wife, but my mother always considered me a looser and a failure after that.

Not to long later I ended up in prison. I think I was just so lost to depression, alcohol and drugs I just needed to escape. So I robbed 2 convenience stores in a stolen car and off to TDC I went.

After serving 6 years in prison I met a lady, I had only been free 14 months. We married and I discovered she had a lot of bad baggage, and she began to take it out on me. We fought and argued, and made up and had a wonderful sex life. The fighting escalated, but so did the sex. A year into the relationship she would get physical and slap me, the verbal abuse was terrible, and then she hooked up with my Mom, and my life tutrned into hell. I ended up being arrested for assaulting her, when I was the one being assaulted. The good thing was that I was never arrested on actual assault charges, she just complained to my PO and he had me arrested on a blue warrant, or violators warrant. In the mean time I had hired a lawyer and my wife had talked to several people in the neighbor hood a long with her friends, and admitted she lied and just wanted me out of the house, not back in prison. She said I touched her against her will, but that I had never hit her. She was arrested for filing false charges. My parole was reinsted after 88 days, but guess where I returned to. I loved her and thought that with counseling things would turn out right.

Needless to say that was a lie. I ended up inviting a friend of ours and his family to live with us to have a witness, and she continued to be abusive, yelling screaming, slapping, lying, calling the police reporting the car stolen when I had possession of it etc. I finally divorced her and moved to another town.

I met another lady. An older lady that seemed to have her life together with a good job, home and automobile. We moved in together only to discover her alcohol problem and my victim complex. We would fight and argue. My Mother told her that I had a reputation for hitting women, to be careful. This lady tripped out in public on several occasions and while I was still on parole I left her on the beach. The authorities contacted me and asked me to come get her and like a fool I did. We continued to argue so bad that one night I tried to leave and she attacked me, and was cut by my watch. I left and she ended up going to my mother for medical attention. My mother got with her sister, and her sister got with my PO and everyone went to the DA. She actually filed charges, so I absconded.

The charges were dropped, she filed an affidavet clearing me, but I was revoked for absconding. I wasn't faithful to her during our seperation, and my mother made sure to tell her, but despite all of this she stuck with me for 2 years and 9 months that I was incarcerated. Guess where I paroled to? Yep right back into the fiery furnace.

I guess I should tell you about the house. Upon being released from TDCJ-ID, she was suppossed to pick me up, but when I got to the bus station she was nowhere around. I called her and she had taken off from work, but didn't come to Huntsville so I rode the bus back to Houston. When I arrived in Houston I called her and she wanted me to wait at the downtown bus station for her to pick me up. I told her I'd take a bus. I was put out because she had procrastinated so long and not picked me up at either place. I figured out the Metro routes and hopped on a bus that took me "home". Upon arrival the house looked like someone had ransacked it. Everything was everywhere. Shoes, paperwork, dishes, tools, you name it. You couldn't walk, you couldn't cook, you could barely shower, and reach the bed. Which of course we promptly did.

During the days that followed my release I started cleaning up and sorting the place out. I wanted to find my birth certificate and important documents so I could get a Social Security card, driver's license, etc. What I found was disturbing. She had been writing porno letters to a "friend" of mine from prison. Including pictures and everything. She had kept a scrap book! I would ask her questions and she would lie to me, the more letters I read, the more she lied. Finally I gave her the scrapbook and she accussed me of going through her personal belongings as if I had violated her.

A week ago she asked me to buy her booze for her and I did. When I returned from the store she was on the phone, so I handed her her booze and she lost it! Sitting in the living room talking on the phone she lost her booze! Well she ranted and raved and blamed me for her lost bottle. When I found it she accussed me of hiding it from her.

Last night she was suppossed to go somewhere to do volunteer work, and since I refuse to go with her to do the volunteer work, I offered the idea that she should get ready early and maybe we could grab a bite to eat. She accussed me of alterior motives and that I just wanted to go meet someone else. She expected me to go with her and sit in the car like her puppy dog waiting on her to finish. Since I have been "home", her Friday night excursions have kept her out until 5am at the latest. She told her friends where she volunteers at that I am jealous. Last night she didn't go to her volunteer job. I went upstairs to bed after her accusations, and she woke me up 3 hours later throwing stuff around the house. She took all the keys, placed them in her purse and marched around the house with rainboots on as if patroling to make sure I didn't escape. I did escape to my office and my computer. I tried to post last night, but since this post is so long the computer timed out and I lost it.

So here is the insanity of it all. How do I pick these women? How do I leave right now? All of my belongings are mixed with her's. I don't have work yet, nor another a place to stay. I really don't want to be a homeless person living at a ministry with a few belongings in a plastic sack, but it looks like I have no choice. I've been violated on parole, and I don't want to go back again! I have prayed that I could take this long enough to get work, and the finances to get out, but it's been 25 days and the best I've done is get my Social Security card, get enrolled at Worksource, and apply for about 100 jobs with 2 interviews so far. I cn't live like this, I may not be perfect, but I diserve better than this. I'm tired of feeling like a victim, and just want peace and security.

My heart goes out to you for realizing there is a problem in the first place. Men ARE victimized by domestic violence but unfortunately their situations rarely get acknowledged. I'm a victims advocate for domestic violence victims so I did some huntin' for ya... I see you're in the Houston area... Here are some places I want you to check out immediately:
http://www.hawc.org/ - Houston Area Womens Center - yes, it's a "womans" center but when I was working at a DV shelter we got plenty of calls from battered men. They'll be able to direct you in the right way to a place that could assist you.
http://www.ci.houston.tx.us/department/police/fvu.htm - The Houston Police Department's Family Violence Unit - They have investigators, crisis counselors, etc. who would be able to help to get you out of your current situation.
http://www.womenslaw.org/tx/tx_links.htm - Scroll down to Houston - many agencies who can offer assistance are listed!
http://www.avda-tx.org/ - Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse - They offer a variety of client services, most improtantly, victim advocacy

Most importantly...DO NOT GIVE UP!

Thanx for your care and concern. I'm realy concerned about my parole. I am newly paroled to her, and like my article said all of my stuff is still mixed with hers. I've got most of my important documents found and in a folder, but I have to do it when she's not looking. She'l lying in the bedroom right now listening to me type and any second she'll come in here and accuse me of surfing porn. This really sucks! If I call the police I'll be the one on the streets and she'll claim I am abusing her. I'm praying I can just sit it out until I get work and maybe I can file a restraining order and get the cops over here long enough to search the house and get all or most of my stuff moved out. I'm gonna have to get my parole officer involved to and he's a cantankerous old man

What I would suggest to a victim of mine in your situation... Go to one of the "family violence units" listed in Houston on that webpage TODAY!!! Tell them the story... You need to get your story out there before she tries to make up some story about YOU. Ask for a police escort to come back with you while you gather up your things. Focus on the most important items...the paperwork and anything that means a lot to you. You can always come back another time with a police escort but at this time, documentation is what you need. Tell your parole officer what is going on immediately so that if something happens, hopefully they won't violate you. Don't hold anything back with anyone...you have to be open and honest with everyone you're about to encounter. Keep your chin up. It's not going to be an easy road for you but you know that it'll put you in a better place.

Thanx, I know I've gotta get out of here, but I am really scared. I'm a man, and I'm in a position that I'm acting like a mouse. I'm tired of being locked up, but here I am in a prison of my own making.

You didn't create this prison. You can't control what she does...only what YOU choose to do. It seems like you know what the right choice is to make at this time... I'm sure you can find the strength to do it if you try!

While you are on paper, I suggest that you be by yourself. I know it's lonely, but it will keep you in good shape in the long run. I've been the victim in DV situations, and while not on parole, still look bad to the cops that respond. Even though my ex was out of my house, he kept stopping by and that resulted in a 911 call by either the neighbors or myself. After a while they took their time getting there. I never invited him over and they treated me like it was my fault he stopped by uninvited. I try not to get into intense relationships at this point in my life because I don't want anyone that close to me. This is just my opinion.

I had to parole to "somebody." To get out of Texas prisons you have to have a person to parole to, and you can't move until your PO says to. Usually 6 months. I can't wait 6 months. If I could get work, and convince my PO I could support myself it would be easier, but now it looks as if I'm gonna go to a half way house. I'm backing up all my computer stuff online, and stashing documents I find, and my tools in a chest, and clothes in one spot.

Talk to your PO, txcwby... This is NOT the typical situation that most parolees are in. Call your PO bright and early on Monday morning and explain the situation. Do you have a friend who would let you stash your stuff at their place?

No one, that's why I came back. I just hoped I could get out of prison and get to working and change things, but it's just not happening fast enough.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with the others suggstion that you talk to your PO. You also said something about a halfway house. This may be the best option for you at this point. It would give you a chance to work, save money and maybe work on some issues while you are there. It would give you a chance to adjust to life without the drama. Stay strong.

Call the shelters TODAY and make arrangements, gather your things in one place and have them ready at the drop of a hat, call your po on Monday as SOON as the office opens..... and get out of there!! You have nothing to be embarrassed about here. YOU are not the cause of this issue with her. She will continue and you need a fresh start. You have enough things to do right now that you don't need to be battling your "homefront" too...take the halfway house...it's a good option. I wish you good graces and please act now....you DO deserve more than this !!!!!!!

Keep us posted and I'll pray for you!!

Cheryl

I sent you a PM.....get back to me...when you can!!!

Wow, what a horrible situation. Although male victims aren't as common, they are out there. I have to agree with everyone else - staying there is not a good idea. If you can go to a halfway house, do it. At least you will have a chance to get away from her and get your head on straight, become stronger emotionally, and take care of yourself.

Good luck :)

Get out of the situation as fast as you can. Call the shelter tonight, and first thing monday morning call your PO.

Peter

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are ok; I see you haven't posted since yesterday morning. Please get your story out there to someone in authority! I know it must be scary, being on parole and all, but you don't need her going and making up stories about you and having you taken back in! My heart goes out to you.
Please let us know how you are doing. We care!

Nancy

I really and truly appreciate everybody's response. I admit there is a definite problem, and I am going to talk to my PO. I have spent a lot of time in prison, and being an inmate for the past 10 out of 14 years I really have a problem calling the police and/or going to a halfway house. This morning I have the 4th interview at a really cool job. If I get this job I'll be making $13 an hour. I've really prayed about this, and I started praying before I left prison. I want to try to hold out and leave on my own. If I can do it properly, and my PO knows what is going on, then everything will be better. She has been there for me in her own way the whole time I was incarcerated. I do love her and don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to.

Please do this...and good luck!
Call the shelters TODAY and make arrangements, gather your things in one place and have them ready at the drop of a hat, call your po on Monday as SOON as the office opens..... and get out of there!! You have nothing to be embarrassed about here. YOU are not the cause of this issue with her. She will continue and you need a fresh start. You have enough things to do right now that you don't need to be battling your "homefront" too...take the halfway house...it's a good option. I wish you good graces and please act now....you DO deserve more than this !!!!!!!

Keep us posted and I'll pray for you!!

Cheryl

I am so sorry about your situation and I know that it happens to men. I was also in this life once upon a time being from an abusive home thinking it was the way it was. So I know that you can make all the excuses you want of why you are there still but until you get enough nothing anyone says will get through to you. This is not meant to be mean or hurtful only truthful. You are only a victum if you stay in it no one can do anything but you. If you will go back and read this letter you wrote and be honest with your self about what is going on then you don't need anyones advice you are not stupid. You can see what you need to do and if you don't you are going to go back to prison and you know this. Go to your PO and put it all on the table and ask for his help and follow thru don't do it for a day or a week and go back cause it will only continue, start today and make it the first day of the rest of your life and be happy.First you have to take care of yourself and get off parole and getting help for your addictive behavior is what you need to focus on not another woman or relationship and your parole officer can and will help you do this if you apply yourself by the time your off paper hopefully you will be able to make the correct choices in your life. A halfway house is alot better than what your living in at least you can come and go and have peace of mind and do what you need to do to stay free. The choices you make on and off parole are what determines your life and you know this I"m sure you went thru changes in prison and know this. Apply them and you will see a difference in the your life. You didnt get this way in a month and it won't end in a month it is a long and hard process to face but once you do you will be glad you did. Your the only one that can make the decision of what to do nothing is as important as your freedom you know that papers,clothes nothing you can recover those things once you get out of that house those are all excuses and you know that so take that first step and make that move and start a new life for yourself. I wish you luck and wish there was an easy out but life is not easy you know that. My girlfried once told me don't be stupid stupid I try to remember that in my choices i make sometimes they work sometimes i still am but never again will any person raise a hand or abuse me in anyway if they do it's my fault. Good luck hope this isn't to harsh but life is never going to be easy.

I reckon I knew it could happen, but I needed to talk. Today she read my post and came home for lunch with a printed copy. I was honest with her, and told her I needed to talk with someone, and that's what the group is for. We had a wonderful talk this afternoon, but tonight she keeps making these sarcastic, sly comments about what she read. I'm not gonna fight, I'm tired of fighting. I told her to f&^%k off with her sarcasm and went and cooked dinner and we ate, now I'm back on the computer. I really do love her and just wish everything would be the way it's supposed to be.

The fact that you and she had a good talk about things, and then she went back to being sarcastic, just shows that she's not ready to accept her part of the responsibility in the things that are wrong with your relationship. Sad to say, but it doesn't look like it's going to get better. Try to find somewhere else to live for the time being.

Anytime you need to talk, feel free to post.

Hi, I would just like to say that I pray everything works out for the best for you. Keep praying and believing. Nothing is impossible to God and he can make a way out of no way.

I have been in a DV relationship and it was not fun. Like you I kept taking him back over and over again. One day he finally kicked my door in and that was the breaking point for me. After getting a protection order from the courts, I have moved on into a real loving relationship which took some time. After this I had a hard time trusting men but now things have changed...thanks to God. I really hope things work out for you and that you are no longer abused and treated with love and respect.

Believing things will get better is something that victims always think. I used to think this way too. Every person has to reach their breaking point...you should have reached yours a long time ago. You need to get out now..before you hurt her...or before she hurts you. Because you have a history and have a record, you will be looked upon as the bad guy. She will have this working in her favor. If she's sincere about making things work with you, ask her if she's willing to go to counseling and or anger management with you. If she agrees, then thats a great first step.

Recognizing that you or she has a problem is the first step towards making things right. You say you love her. I was surprised because that reminded me of what I said when it seemed as if things were "getting better"...It only got worse. Being in love isnt enough. She has to want to change...and if you really love her, you'll step back while she attempts to get the help she needs to control her anger, better herself and the relationship.

I once went to a training on "Dealing with the resistant victim." The speaker said something that sticks with me to this day and it holds so much truth. Why do victims stay? They stay in hopes of things eventually going back to the way it used to be. The way it was in the beginning...the way it was when you had that tingly feeling thinking about the other person...the way it was when you realized you had fallen in love.

Times change. Things change. People change. It can't ever be the way it used to be. The only thing that you can change is YOU.

What ever happened to love honor and obey? Till death do us part? Treating others like we'd want to be treated? I'm embarrassed scared and confused because I've never ran from a person in my life! I love her, and yesterday we talked, we went shopping, we talked on the phone. I haven't heard a fat lady sing yet. When I do I'll be outta here. No sympathy and support, just cut and run? I can't do it. I'm not in denial, I'm not pussy footin' @ I just got outta prison! We've been apart 2 years and 9 months. Sure we both have screwed up like a mot#$^f&^Ker, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it, but so is she. I don't want to go back to prison, but I don't want to give up on my lover either. She was down for me as only she could be, and that means perhaps she's the only person in the world who even gave 1/2 a s$#t about me. I needed this post, and I love everyone's advice, but I'm not running away just yet. I've got work to do.

Well it seems nothing anyone says is getting thru and it won't till your ready. I just hope the next time we hear from you that you are not headed back to prison sounds like it is awaiting game to see when it is going to happen. Maybe she was there for you while you were down but doesn't sound like it works to well when your free if you go back you can always have that relationship you had is that what your waiting for cause its what your going to get. If staying free is not your first priority then something is wrong no matter what it takes you would do. Getting your life on the right track should be your first priority then work on your relationship with her if there is one if not move on your better off in the long run. While in a halfway house you can both go to counseling and work thru this if she is willing if not what have you lost. At least it wasnt your freedom you lost think hard on this it scares me your not willing to look out for you first. Good luck sounds like you will need it.

You haven't posted in awhile. How are things going?

I haven't posted in awhile, thanks Isadora for pointing that out. Things haven't changed too much, but they have changed. My gf read the article, and I got a lot of feedback from a number of people. As you can see the popular vote was to pack up and leave, well I haven't. We talk, and then we argue, and then we talk some more. I'm outta work, and she's footing the bill, and it's tuff. I'm not making excuses just trying to understand. We've discussed counseling, but that's as far as we've been. I went to church and I've been using various forms of support. For the most part I work around the house cleaning, cooking, and job hunting, and spend a lot of time on the computer. When it looks like things are going south I'll kiss her, turn on the computer, or basically just mind my own business. Oh, I'm not an angel, I have my out bursts too, but we haven't had another incident with the prison guard complex so I feel there has been progress. Noone has gotten physical and I don't think it'll come to that as long as we stay in our corners. I appreciate everyones concern and feedback, even when I don't promptly use the advice I still read it and keep it handy.:thumbsup:

You just have to remember to TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! Sometimes the best advice is what our hearts tell us to do. It is not easy to be in your situation, and for all of us to offer our take on it, is easy to do. The hard part is living in it. You know what to do and you have the resources....and when you are ready, things will fall into place...know what I mean. Baby steps....and I am here if you need me!!! You know that!!

No sympathy and support, just cut and run?
tx -

I can't find one post here that wasn't sympathetic to your situation and/or supportive. Everyone who replied is truly concerned about you and your situation. Most, if not all of us here, have been in an abusive relationship and knows exactly what will happen when promises are made over and over again - absolutely nothing. The bottom line is people who want to change will, for themselves, not for anyone else. Your ultimate question is can you live with it if she doesn't change, and is prison really an alternative that you're willing to accept?

The members who advised to you to remove yourself from the situation, myself included, are giving you the ultimate supportive response - advising you to take a break for a while before one or the both of you really get hurt.

Good luck :)