Hi PTO Family,

Now that my friend is home (May 17, 2004), it's hard to believe that he is physically here. Sometimes I catch myself staring at him, because I remember when we wrote about our future, etc.

Even though he is home, there are times when I feel frustrated, don't know how to help him, etc. You feel frustrated when you realize that their situation can often effect your life. For example, we were suppose to go out of town on Saturday, but his po decided to visit that morning, he has to get approval for everything (if he wants to stay out of trouble), etc.

I often feel frustrated when I can't help him work out his own frustrations. Work on his job is slow; therefore, he's often sent home early and doesn't have to report to work for days. I can feel his hurt, but I don't know what to say. He's out hitting the pavements looking for work, but b/c of his record, many places are cordial, but will not hire someone w/ a record.

It's also frustrating when he forgets that he is on parole and thinks that he can just do what ever he wants and or go where ever he wants. He wants to think that he's free, but is he really, when he has an 18 year tail.

When they are home, you worry about them in different ways. i.e., safety, finding employment, how will they handle anger, rejection, returning, etc. You try to stay positive, but at times, it becomes overwhelming.

Yes, I am glad that he's home, but I have to learn how to relax and enjoy the moment. I must admit, I am scared. I have to learn to stop treating him like a child and not wanting him out of my sight. I feel like it's my job to protect and save him and that as long as he's in my company, he'll be o-kay. This is not realistic, but this is how I am feeling and must work through.

Now, since he's been home, he has accomplished the following:

a job w/in a month of his return (able to return to old job)
insured car (car paid in full). Pays car insurance on time
got a cell phone
established credit (mac card and credit card)
registered to vote (state that he lives in allows felons to vote)
volunteers within the community
attends church on his own
put deposit on my engagement ring :-)

He does not ask me for money, he saves his own and takes care of his own personal things. Now, if I see I need, I will pitch in.

In a nut shell, when they come, it's a big adjustment and at times, your emotions are like a roller coaster.

Seeing what I've written, I guess I am struggling w/ realizing that he is independent and wants to try somethings on his own, and now that he is home, he does not have to depend on me as much Wow, what an insight.

While he was away, I had to do everything and it became second nature for me to take care of his business and my own. Now that he's here, I guess I am having a difficult time relinquishing my control/hold. Ouch!

Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed this.

Having a forum to discuss/share w/ those who loved ones are home, means a great deal to me.

Thanks for sharing your experience!!! It helps alot to see what life is really like once they are home!!! You gave us alot of insight...on what it is like with your feelings...not just things that have happened while he was home!! Thanks again. Hugs:p
-Jackie

Sounds like things are going well I wish you continued success!!!

All the best,
Patty

Thanks for sharing.Sounds like while there are still some frustrations for the most part everything is good.Congrats :)

In a nut shell, when they come, it's a big adjustment and at times, your emotions are like a roller coaster.

Seeing what I've written, I guess I am struggling w/ realizing that he is independent and wants to try somethings on his own, and now that he is home, he does not have to depend on me as much Wow, what an insight.

While he was away, I had to do everything and it became second nature for me to take care of his business and my own. Now that he's here, I guess I am having a difficult time relinquishing my control/hold. Ouch!

.
Thanks so much for posting. I'm glad things are going well. He's done so much! That's great!

I just wanted to say thanks because you made me go "Oh, okay.. " about my own situation. you helped me breathe a little easier. since my T has been home I have been up and down, up and down. My emotions are DEFINITELY like a roller coaster!

It is hard to realize that he is more independent now, that I'm not one of his sole contacts to the outside world. That he doesn't need me to be there every step he makes.. maybe I'm selfish? but it is hard to get used to. I'm sososo happy for him. But it's so hard.

I've been feeling that same way just the past week. And I'm glad that you posted here.

I hope everything continues to go well for both of you. Best of Luck!!!

In spite of the frustration, things are good. We stay prayful and keep open the lines of communication.

I often find myself getting frustrated when he beat up on himself. He feels that he should have accomplished more than he has. He often feels like a failure. I constantly re-assure him, but it's hard to change the way a person feels.

He did 21 years and 6 months, and in my opinion, he's doing better than some that have never been in prison. I constantly let him know that I am proud of him and point out his accomplishments. When I do this, he appears to mellow out and reflect on his accomplishments.

When they come home, we have to daily validate and affirm them. I have to be careful w/ what I say, think and do, because he often interjects my behavior. This keeps me on my toes and especially from being negative. :-)

Women that are in relationships w/ someone that is/was incarcerated is a strong woman. We are truly every woman in ever sense of the word. You have to have strength, character, determination, focus, etc. to endure the ramifications of a love one being in or out of prison.

I am so glad that I have strong women that I can go to for advice, vent and share.

Guys, thanks so much.

Peace & Blessings

Thanks for sharing Thunder. You are thanking us but i feel it is we who should thank you. It does seem as though you are (and he) doing well. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your post was very enlightening. I will take your advice in all areas.

Hang in there, Thunder. It will take some time for the both of you to readjust but with patience (and a lot of tongue biting) things will turn around. This is not to say that you shouldn't set boundries. Sometimes readjustments can be pretty rocky. Just keep your eye on the prize and work it, hun!!!

Thunder ~ Keep on doin' what you're doin ( I sAy this ALot lately i think it helps me too) in any case, life moves forward we're all growing and changing. Accentuate the positive.

All the best,
Patty

Thunder, what he is doing, is WONDERFUL and what you are doing is too...You sound great to me....thanks for sharing, and keep on enjoying those wonderful times.

Mrs. G.,

Thanks. It's just so great to be able to share w/ others that truly understand. Even though my family is supportive, it still feels great sharing w/ those that are experiencing what I am.

I am so glad that we have this forum, b/c many times I would look through the others, and just didn't know what to say or post. At each junction, there are different needs, feelings, expectations, etc. However, it is our duty to cheer those on as well as support those that still have a love in side and or expecting one to come home.

What I would recommed for coming home is opening up an account for them and shopping for clothes. I was able to save $1,000 for him in addition to buying him clothes for the summer and winter (I shop w/ coupons only and when there is a sale). When he came home, I gave him the money. All I can say is to God be the glory, that I was able to put aside that money, etc. He has not touched that money thus far. He wanted to use it on my ring, etc. But I stipulated that money is to be used for his personal use only.

When they come home, they want to feel like they are in control, and that their manhood and pride are still in tack. They need lots of understanding and often times, space. They also want to know that they are being understood.

Have a wonderful weekend.

thanks for sharing this, it helps a great deal. you did mention this to me in another thread as well, I was thinking about getting him clothes, however, who knows what size he is in jeans, and other things...and I was thinking he may want to pick them out himself, what can I do about this?

how did you open a bank account in his name for him? good idea because he has been telling me he wants to start saving.

Boy I can relate to so much of this. The other day we were about to go to the oral surgeon, and I said wait, I need to call and verify your appointment at such-and-such, and he goes, babe, give me that, I'll verify my own appointment; i'm out now. and I thought, DUH. So I am also working on backing off, handing over the controls and going to the background on many things. My guy had a lot of things handled this past first week, and I restrained myself from fussing over him with medical needs, etc. I just said listen, I know you don't like to be coddled so if you need or want anything please just ask and I'll be happy to help. That seemed to be the right thing to say.
This past week has not been the lovey dovey week I had imagined, that's for sure, but there are many positives and I think the adjustment is probably going well, all things considered. it's all new to us.

It's funny you should mention that Mary, I seem to have alot of people around me continuously that need my assistance, I'm not griping that's just who I am I suppose. In any case, the other night Sebastian asked if it bothered me that he doesn't need me to take care of him in some of the ways that my close friends/family do. I told him of course not, it was a blessing to me to have a partner holding up his end, it's a bonus, yanno?

There are so many things that we are all going through now. The emotions, trials and tribulations run the gamut. I hope we all can just keep it together and continue to look to each other for encouragement and support. I'm so glad this forum was started!

All the best to everybody,
Patty

I am learning a great deal from you ladies....thanks a lot...

when do you know when to back off? will they tell you? for me, I feel like, the longer they are in, the more out of touch they are with how life is out here and what do you do for them and what do you let them do for themselves? right? For example. My husband never rode the NYV trains or does not remember? He also mentioned wanting to live in a one room apartment. I get his fears, how do you deal with that? right now I just tell him to stop looking so far ahead because we are not there yet...but it helps to plan also....

I know my husband is very independant and shows he is wise intelligent self sufficient, responsible, independant, but he also might be afraid to ask for help because he has learned to do for himself so much, and I might have a problem OFFERING him too much help- or DOING for him when he can do for himself.

Mrs. G.,

My friend's bank account was opened via my bank. Family members can join. He completed the paper work and paid the $5.00 maintenance fee.

He was released in 02 and during this time, he opened the account. Nine months later, he was returned, b/c he had a run in w/ a supervisor at the ccc he was in. He and the supervisor did 15 years together in prison and during this time, they had an altercation (when my friend arrived to the ccc, the supervisor remembered him and told him that he didn't forget and would get him back. Information was falsified against my friend via the supervisor, and he demanded that he be returned. It was learned that my friend did not do anything, but he had already been sent back).

The money that he saved when he was home in 02, was sent to him during his 18 month bit. I am so glad that he had this account, b/c I used the money to send him.

For the most part, he is consisten w/ his weight; therefore, I was able to shop for him.

Mrs. G. it takes time to know when to back off, b/c for the longest, we've had to assume total responsibility for them. I had/have power of attorney of his affairs. The letter was notarized and I used it to conduct all of business (banking, filing income taxes, etc.).

I think we just have to watch their clues and body language. They swear that we don't listen to them and that we are trying to control them and make them into mini me's. :-)

When they come home, they have so much to absorb. Each situation/person is different. Just listen and ask few questions. I've noticed that when he's ready to talk/open, I can't get him to shut up. :-)

What you're doing is great, planning for the future. Keep doing it, and it will pay off.

I had/have power of attorney of his affairs. The letter was notarized and I used it to conduct all of business (banking, filing income taxes, etc.).

how can I get this?

thunder, I am getting the power of attorney this week, mailed out to him, did you check off everything or just the permission to open a bank account and to file taxes?

so, also, I have bad credit and do not want him mixed up with that, so if he has a seperate account in my bank under his name, the IRS cannot touch him right? Or any of his assets? I know there is a form to fill out with the IRS, innocent spouse, to excuse him of my debt. Thanks Thunder!

Mrs. G,

I put everything in writing regarding what I had power of attorney over (banking, real estate, employment - I had to get his income tax and file it for him). I left no stone un-covered. I found verbiage for power of attorney during an engine search via www.mamma.com I tailored the verbiage to meet the needs of my friend.

I belong to a credit union; therefore, he was able to get his own account as a relative. The statements came/come in his own name. With power of attorney, I was able to get him to sign a form, giving me access to transfer funds from his account to mine, etc. I did this just in case anyone and or entity tried to access his account. I transferred all of his money into my account and when he needed it, I sent money orders to him.

Best wishes

I got a power of attorney, Durable Form and I have to fill in the things I want power over.

I want him to have his own account, just for him and he will start sending money to me to deposit for him. My mom wants to give him some as well as some of his sisters. I will put one in the same bank I go to, HSBC....and maybe I would have access to transfer money from mine to his, that would be good too. Thanks Thunder