I'VE BEEN HERE A LITTLE WHILE BUT NEVER DID A FORMAL INTRODUCTION- I'M SHERRI LIVING IN NORTH CAROLINA (ALTHOUGH I AM A MILITARY BRAT -LIVED ALL OVER) MY RON IS IN PRISON UNTIL 12/2005 AND LIKE MANY OF YOU I AM DOING THE TIME WITH HIM BEHIND THESE INVISIBLE BARS--I AM ALSO A SOCIAL WORKER AND PRISON REFORM ACTIVIST--AND I REALLY WANT TO BE INSTRUMENTAL IN MAKING SOME CHANGES IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM--I AM ALSO A MOM OF SIX (YES, I SAID SIX) DAUGHTERS WHO ARE MY ONGOING INSPIRATION-I'M GLAD TO BE HERE AND LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING TO KNOW YOU ALL!!

Sherri:

I have just joined this group and am glad to see that others are from North Carolina. I live in Maiden, N. C. and my Son is in the NC Dept of Corrections and has been for 12 years. he is 36 years old and we have seen so much injustice in the NC Justice System. I know you are a member of Cure. I am very interested in becomming involved with Cure and hope to see you very soon.

Sincerely
Donna Day

Sherri.....I have a question that has been burning in my heart for a while. You, being a social worker and have a husband in prison might be able to help me, or at least give me something to think about.

As a social worker, you have dealt with domestic violence, drugs, etc. My husband who is in INS detention, he was originally arrested for domestic violence, while he was in the local jail, INS got a hold of him and this other thing started. However, that doesn't block out why he was originally arrested. Yes, he did drugs, yes he did some dealing and yes he has prior drug convictions, and yes, he has now said he found God and things will change when he comes back. I know the cycle of abuse. My question is, and I know many women whose husbands are in prison are asked this, why should I stay with a man whose has physically, emotionally and verbally abused me? I love him, there is no denying that, and yes, I do want him back. I have to admit though, there are days that I wonder if I am doing the right thing. There are days I am afraid.

These are just some thoughts going through my head.
Thanks for listening
Joy

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am going to send you an email, as I think my response may be too lengthy to post here.

In short, I can certainly understand your concerns, and you have every reason to have hesitations and reservations about standing by your husband and believing in a happy and healthy life together post-prison term. My personal belief is that people can and do change, but they must be able to demonstrate that they can maintain those changes. Whe one really changes, it is not just a specific behavior that changes, it is the way he or she thinks, acts, the way he perceives life and the way that he lives, every day--the choices he makes on a day to day basis.

That is my opinion. One thing I know for certain is that you have to take care of yourself; you have to love and respect yourself. Before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else, you have to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

Take care. You're in my heart and prayers.

Much love

Sherri

Joy,
I too am a social worker and as you know have dealt with INS. I agree with Sherri, when someone changes they must change their lifestyle as a whole that in turn will change the negative behaviors. You must remember one thing, he cannot and should not change for you, or anyone else for that matter. He will only change when he is ready to change for himself. However it is usually easier for one to realize that they must change when they have the support of a loved one. I believe that if you love him you should stand by him and support him. But please remember while he is in prison it is easy for him to think with a clear head the real test will be once he comes home.
Did you get my e-mail? If you want to chat, I'm here anytime!!! We all need advice and support.
Michelle