Hi. There will probably be some people that read this and wonder If I've lost my mind. Sometimes I think I have myself. But anyways what I wanted to know is this. I've been out for 14 months from Floridas DOC. But sometimes when I get depressed over things, like not being able to find a job, support my family, being judged and looked down upon, etc. etc., I find myself wishing that I was back in FLDOC. I know that I never want to go back really, it's just that it really was easier in there. There was so much that you didn't have to worry about. Like all of the things that I mentioned above. When I start to feel that way I begin to feel guilty. Because I think about all of the people I know that are still in there and are never going to get their freedom back. I feel like I'm taking my life for granted. Even though in my heart I know that I'm not, I'm just depressed. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Or am I really just crazy?

I can't speak firsthand, but I know from many loved ones that what you're feeling is common. That's why some people even prefer doing a full term to parole,especially with all the pressure that involves. So no, you're not crazy... I think those back and forth emotions are really normal, don't worry...

I know how hard it is, my husband struggled so much when he got out, ended up going back.. Please know your a good person, you don't need/or have to be in prison, you can make it.. I know for my guy he just got use to having a controlled life..Was it easier for him? Sometimes I think it was, but I can tell you this, he is dieing now that he's back there. So please be good to yourself...Remember what it was like...Don't do that to yourself ok????? God's speed my friend.....Just remember God dosen't give us more than we can handle..Stay strong.....Your reaching out writing here, please listen to everyone here, ok??? and keep talking...We will all help you, I know I will...

My brother and my man have both felt like that sometimes. It is true that you have less to worry about in there , but you need to really realize that you have a family or someone out here in the worl that depends on you and when you make desions that are not the smaretest and end up locked up again it not only affects you but also your loved ones. Just don't give up , the sun is always shinning some where even though it rains !

JJ,

I have been thinking about your post all day, wanting to answer it, but not really knowing how too.

I came home in March of 2003, I was 49, confident that I could get back on my feet quickly and regain my livelihood, and go on with life as I had before my conviction.

In some ways I did, I did land a job almost the very day I came home, started back to work two weeks later and am still there. I came home to the same support system of friends and family that helped me through my trial and imprisonment. That is where the easy part ended.

Emotionally, in a lot of ways I am still inside. I did come home early on a court order, pending appeals and eventually an agreement was reached - we dropped the appeals for a lesser sentence and not having to return to prison.

But those dark days before I knew for sure I would not have to go back, I almost gave up several times. I kept thinking with all the anxiety, heartache, and fear I am feeling, as well as the anxiety and financial hardship that I am putting my friends and family through, it would just be easier to give up do the 85% of six years then get on with life.

After all, I had been away from my family before, did six years sea duty plus a couple of tours of duty out of country while I was active duty military, my children and I were both used to being apart. And in reality prison was much easier than the sea duty or overseas tours, tell you the honest truth I almost prefered being locked up to my overseas tours.

Even now with the restitution that I have to pay, and the restrictions placed on my life until 2008, being judged by others, and condemned by many I sometimes think it would be just easier to go back.

I have had it better than some, but it has not been easy, life has been a challenge since March 17, 2003.

Then like you I think of those I left behind who will never come home, Liz, my niece Holly, many, many others. For them alone I can not give up.

I look around at what I do have, I am Blessed with a loving partner, family, and some of the friends I had before the conviction, blessed with PTO and the friends I have met here, that we care for very much.

That is what kept me from going back.

No you are not crazy and yes, those of us who have been to prison have all thought of going back, because it would be easier.

When you are down and depressed, lean on us here at PTO for awhile, we have all been there.

When your ready to dust yourself off and get back into the fray of life, we will cheer you on, and celebrate your victories as others have for us.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

Patti

I can't say that I was ever in your situation.But this is normal among the newly released.I know this by talking to others and post on here.Like with any change it'll take time to adjust.No matter what look foward to tomm, You never know what It'll hold,I know this hurts but try thinking of some bad things about prison maybe as preventive thought.Just my suggest.I fear this syndrome will happen to Jose.But I am giving him all I can as reasurrance ya know.I just adore him and I don't want him to be upset.I'm praying for you..God Bless

Get to a doctor and get some depression meds, and go to counseling in most places you can get the counseling and or the meds for free

Out here you have to think for yourself. In there they tell you when to go to bed. They tell you when to get up. They tell you when to eat. They tell you when to exercise. They feed you. They clothe you. The system thinks it owns you - and that is the bottom line. Nobody owns you. You are the master of your own destiny not some screw who has the power to control your movements by pushing a switch to open a gate or a cell door. Or some petty puffed up bureaucrat who sits on a parole board and sanctimoniously decides who will go and who will stay. Mate, it is a big world out here. Enjoy it. I remember the first time I came home. It was June 11, 1980. I had just done 11 of an 18 year whack. (I went in October 13, 1969). Some friends from the inside gave me some sound advice - that advice was to grab a lady friend and go away for a couple of weeks by ourselves. At first I wanted to ring friends and make my connections, I wanted to hit the streets running, make up for lost time, cram 11 years back into my life. I had left solid friends on the other side of the walls and their advice was sound. I grabbed a lady friend and we went away. No phones. No tv. No newspapers. Just us. The two of us. A friend loaned me a caravan that was sited near a beach and we stayed there. As the days melted away I slowly got back in touch with reality. I watched the sun set. And I watched the sun rise. I ate fish and sea food - I had never tasted fresh sea food for over a decade. There were no cells. No bars. No lights out. There was no hustle and bustle. For the first time in a decade I began to relax. Some of tension went. I could think clearly. And that was the trick for me. I had to clear my mind before I could move on. Sure, even today I still have a prison mentality because you can never erase that but I could rationalise and then make my choices instead of making irrational choices on the spur of the moment. It is a big world out here man, enjoy it. One last word of advice - real friends don't want to see their friends coming back to the house of many doors. The longer you stay out the longer you are beating the system. Then, and only then, the system is forced to relinquish any ownership it may have had over your body. Cheers my friend. I hope I have been of some help to you.

My bf is in a halfway house, and already claiming it would have been a lot easier just to serve out his time! I also had a friend whose son would violate on purpose when they let him out because he was so institutionalized. And remember the guy in the Shawshank Redemtpion who couldn't adjust after all those years? No, you are not alone. Just remember how much you wanted out while you were in, and remember that real life isn't easy for anyone, but at least it's real life, and you do NOT want to go back!

Hey I would say keep looking you will eventually find a job that does not discriminate...I work for a roofing company as the secretary and we always hire people fresh outta jail...as a matter of fact we have a convicted murderer here and he is the sweetest old man..he's been here the longest and gets paid very well..whenever i get discouraged about having my man in jail i go to him he calms me about the prison systems hre in florida...what kind of field do you have experience in...I can imagine that it would be harder to get a desk job...Listen if you have god on your side nothing is impossible...kepp faith and you will be able to provide for your family...god bless...

jj... I know exactly how you feel. I have been out of prison for 6 years now, and believe it or not, on rare occassion... the thought still crosses my mind.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a thought that happen daily... life just gets overwhelming at times. Truth be told, it probably doesn't help that I have friends on the inside... writing to me, worried about coming home, everything being okay, paying bills, getting a job, etc.... It makes me stop and think sometimes.

I know when I first got released, I had intense prob. followed by supervised.... I think I wanted to go back atleast 3 times a week.. :)... but it just isn't an option.

While every blue moon I may have a fleeting thought of how 'easy' life was 'inside'... I wouldn't trade my freedom for the world.

To sum up... you are not crazy! :)

Look at it like a challenge. Prove you're strong enough to make it on the outside.

The things you feel are similar to someone whose been in the military for any length of time. Same deal there, to an extent. They tell you when to exercise, eat, sleep, wake up, what to wear, where to be, what to do.... on and on. The thing about prisons and the military, also, are that they are both volunteer organizations. You have to sign up to go.

There are penalties to pay for crimes, and they don't all go away when the time is done. Things aren't magically put back into order for you or for the victim. Everyone goes on as best they can.

You most likely dreamed of being out and what you'd do. Go do it. Yes, it's hard on the outside. Instead of being told what to do, it's all up to you. Make the right choices.

The world is full of people making it on the outside. You're as tough as they are, aren't you? It's a 24 hour a day fight out here, and it's up to you and only you to do what you're supposed to do, be where you're supposed to be, etc.

But every successful Avon Lady is doing it. You're tougher than they are. Prove it to yourself. Don't waste this chance.

I hope you have heard what everyone is saying. Your past is just that and it will take time to clean the cobwebs, take a breather and hopefully you'll be able to start seeing the beauty around you and within. I'm glad your home!
Take care!

Listen up! First, I cannot speak from personally ever being incarcerated but I lost my husband last year just one day after Christmas while he was imprisoned in New York State. He spent the last 14 years of his life incarcerated. He left out here 3 sons, 2 of whom are my own. They each just turned 19 and 20 years old. My 20 year old has done some months of county time already and this is largely to do with the cold and hard fact that his daddy was not a participant in his life for the most crucial years. You know, I can relate though on the level of feeling at times that I was doing the time with him, and I would even write in letters to my husband that sometimes it seemed to me that it just might be easier to be in there and not to worry with all the daily hells out here, responsibility for everything! But please, if you think of just one thing each and every day, think of this...you left with your life...there is some greater meaning to something you have yet to do with that life...go and live it and be thankful. If you do have children all you need to do is think of them and your other family members hearts you'd break all over again if you were to be returned to prison at any time. Some men only get to be returned home referred to as "remains", yeah, that is exactly what a clerk at the prison expressed to me when I had to make funeral arrangements. Peace and health to you and yours - allways.

JJ it's so ironic that I would come across this thread because a little while ago I came across a what's your fear in waiting or to wait or something like that post and the fear I stated is that my husband would have job situation issues when it takes longer than he hoped to find a job.

You said you have a family so I'm sorry JJ but that means you can't be selfish. To think about yourself and your situation and then think about going back is so not the move. Your doing the time may not be a big thing but it's a huge thing for your wife and burden on your family. If you got a wife JJ, I'm sorry, but get that crap out of your head because if you do somethin stupid and go back to prison on your wife, man, that will be messed up, that would be so messed up that I'm makin my own self cry!! Trust me when I tell you, your wife would rather support you and hold the family down with you out here rather than you in there. So shucks, get a hobby or somethin so that you'll have somethin to do between interviews. Just don't give up Baby, please don't give up. Pray and ask God to open a job door for you and don't give up. Ask him every day.

I think you may want to chill a lil bit with the writing the guys, I'm sorry, because vibes from them are trying to grab hold of you and pull you in. The fellaz ain't sending the vibes -- they're just there in the communication.

Don't do it JJ. Read over everybody's comments on the thread because everyone's said some good stuff that you needed to hear. Please don't mess up your family with inconvenience and costs.

My son has been in and out of jail
he is up in court 10th of march yet again and he said he hopes he goes prison so he can sort his head out
I dont think you are mad somtimes when you have been away in prison the real world were you have to do normall things like get a job look after your famliy gets to much you have people saying when did you get out blah blah blah
and people can just make you feel worthless
i do understand my son is going through a ruff time at the momant to
my preys are with you and i hope you find the strength to carry on with
out being behind bars

Never give up and Never give in! Peace

I know right where you are coming from. I felt that way for a long time. I got out of prison in May 1999 and got off parole feb 2001 Caught 13 more felonies by June 2001 and another in Dec. 2001 Got out of jail again may 2003. NOt to mention the drunk drivings I got in the mean time. So I have been in and out for years. It took my last DUI (3rd) for my PO to say this is enough I will give you one more chance and I took that and looked at what it ment. I have been sober since then and do not run with the old crowd. I am now married to a good guy (who doesnt drink, use drugs or do time) who helps me thru my recovery. NOt saying that you need a partner to make it but you do need to look inside your self and find what makes you happy. He is my happiness and once you find yours you will find that it is easier out here than in there.
Look to us for help and dont let the system win.

I just wanted to drop a note to all of you that have replied to my post and tell you how much it has meant to me. I haven't been to the site in a long time, but I've been doing really good. I have a really good job now that I love, and I'm in line for another promotion the beginning of next month. I also get off of probation in less than three months. My wife and I have plans to buy our own home the beginning of next year, and our daughter has grown into a beautiful toddler :) And now when I think about prison, my thoughts are about how I NEVER want to go back to that life again. Again, thanks to you all. I'm keeping you all in my prayers and sincerely hope that your's and your loved ones lives are doing well.

JJ

JJ........i started reading your post thinking i would respond as my son had alot of the same feelings as you and frisco lady.......i was going to offer my support...then i saw that it was an old post and just scrolled down to see WHO had brought it back up........

i am soooooooooo glad you managed to make it ok......congradulations on your soon to be bought NEW home.........you offer hope for those of us who have had a loved one go back "in" because of those feelings that you experienced.........

thank you for posting and letting us know how you are......

I remember wanting to go back after I got released.It,s not like I really wanted to be back in prison but I couldn,t handle things.First of all I was in for 9 yrs. and my last two yrs. were in solitary.So many things had changed.It was like being paroled to a diferant planet.Many guys do go back.I belive it,s because they just can,t relate any more.It was very over welming for me.And that feeling never really goes away.I hope the best for you.Try counciling,church and talk to someone who can undrestand.I,ll pray for you.Good luck.I know how bad Fla. prisons are.

I remember wanting to go back because when I was released I was released to nothing, just the streets and the clothes on my back. Not even a few bucks. Within 24 hours I was hungry and back doing what I had to do to live which is what got me in prison in the first place. This is now years later though and its very strange really, I still think of one of the cells I was in like it was a safe home to me or something which it really wasnt. Its a twisted memory from a twisted past but its like my memory has a fondness to it, like a womb. I figure its because when your in prison your whole self is taken away and with that is much of the responsiblities of life. When things get crazy and hard out here sometimes being back there doesnt seem too bad until I think about it long enough and realize how lucky I am to be free now. If that makes sense.
I dont think its abnormal, after all it was your home and your world for however long you were there.

JJ, thanks for the update and it makes me very happy to hear you and your family are doing so well! :thumbsup: Keep it up, take care of your loved ones and everything else will always fall into place:)

I have a friend whom I just bailed out of Durango County Jail. He was in there for 2 months awaiting trial which is at the end of March. Prior to going in he had been doing meth on and off for 5 years. While in jail he got very sick going through withdrawals. He was clean for 2 months until I bailed him out. Right back on meth he is today. I think subconsciously he's looking forward to going back to jail because that's the only place he can find the discipline he needs to stay off meth. He told me he'd rather do the time in jail than take probation, which was hard for me to understand. His charge was 1 count theft- means of transportation. He will most likely be found guilty and will be offered probation. Rather than taking it he'll serve the time because HE WANTS TO.

In Jail/Prison you're taken care of. Inmates adapt after a certain amount of time and they have other people in there who are going through the same experience that they are. It takes alot of strength and responsiblity to make it work in the outside world. It's definitely not for the weak. You have to be strong to survive in the outside world. Stronger than you have to be in prison. In prison a person is taken care of and doesn't have to worry about paying bills, taxes, etc. It's definitely a life style for some people. I can understand wanting to give up and give in to the system. However, after a little while of doing that I'd get very tired of being incarcerated.

Here in Los Angeles, homeless people repeatedly get themselves arrested in order to have a place to live and food to eat in jail.

Everybody imagines prison to be a horrible place where no one would ever want to be but for many people it's a way of life that they adapt quite easily to. My friend seems like one of those. Interesting psychology.

I know in Ottawa where I use to live the Detention center is packed during the winter. Many homeless either head south or get arrested. A couple of feet of snow is not very nice and jail can be real cozy when you live on the streets. Its pretty sad that life has to be that way for some. Its not unheard of for people in the major cities to be found frozen to death in the winter up here in Canada. So that is more than enough reason to get arrested.

hello,

i can't say that i know exactly what your going through because i haven't been in your situation, but i can surely understand how your feeling....even for those that have been out here i'm sure there are moments in time where we can all relate to your frustration....don't give up sweetie....i know this world we live in can be so judemental and very unfair...but surround yourself with positive people who support you and understand....the PTO family is a great place to start....you won't find a more supportive group of people anywhere!!!!!! Believe That!!!!!

No you are not crazy I have been in prison and some times I want to go back. at least there I had freinds and I did not have to do much but I don't want to go back my famly abanend me and I have no frends and I am alone all the time

did 23 1/3 yrs. been out sonce 12/00, I still feel like I want to be back inside, In the last couple of years, I feel more and more like this. Yes in a way it's easier inside, but many ways harder. Inside I made a difference, I wazs a Jailhouse Lawyer, and a very good one, out here I feel useless. I'm Homeless, jobless, and not be choice. Every employer I've had a job with, except 2 have stolen from me. My last helped in my current situation. No one really wants to help us, except us. No one 4-gives you for your crimes, not society. I still feel like I want to be back in, why. We are taught to thiunk a certain way inside and when we get out, we find noone thinks like us, except for people like us. Society, in general has No Honor, loyality and many need to do time themselves. last week I had the Police callered on me 4 times because people want to dip into business that don't concern them. Then when I want to take care of business myself, (I don't call the police), people want to cry about it. Like in prison when the guards search your cell and destroys pictures of your wife and children and then want to cry when ya go up side their head. Society wants to treat us like crap, and then cry about what happens. Yes I still feel the same way, for me I can benifit my brothers more from Inside because of what I do, then out here. It won't ever go away.

No you are not the only one. Iwas just released from the colorado department of corrections. It seems as if I cant find a single person who can relate to anything I say or do. Its funny the way people look at me all crazy when i say something or do something so i have just kind of stopped talking to these people out here stopped trying to relate to people who think i am crazy or weird or just a fuck up. When i was in locked up at least we all understoos eachother. It's strange to think about how much prison became my everstuff. And somehow I closed out the world so much I dont know how to get back in it. Mabie we can talk to each other because I so understand how you feel..............

I can somewhat understand, how you feel. Now that I'm an exinmate myself, but at the same time..I would never want to go back.

all the time i spent in prison i spent sleeping, reading (lots of reading!),thinking about and planning for the future, when i would be free. i had everything worked out and i knew exactly what i was going to do and how i was going to do it. i had so many dreams and plans. ive been out a year now and everything is wrong. im not where i figured i would be in life and i haven't done anything i had planned and none of my dreams have happened. and just recently everything has come crashing down on me, the reality of everything, of life, and it sucks because i knew what i was going to do and i knew that i could do it. but i haven't done it and i feel like i can never do any of it. it was so easy in prison, i had no bills or responsibility's and no worries and i had my dreams, ideas and plans and everything was going to work out and be good. now i have to work and pay a myriad of bills and worry about probation, random piss tests,
meetings and relationships. i have no time to read or plan or dream and it sucks. i have those same thoughts. it would be easier to go back and spend the rest of my life behind a 40 foot wall, disconnected from the world and all its stresses. but that would be the weak thing to do and i always told myself when i was locked up especially at the beginning that if i could get through this i would be able to get through anything.
life is a bitch.

Many do after being released and are the ones who go back in. Just decide you want to be free

Life is filled with choices. I perfer the problems out here over the proceived lack of stress in prison. For me it was more stessful, lack of sleep, bad food, constant noise and lights, and all the drama.

Yes, I do not have as much time to read or knit but every morning I wake up and feel blessed to not be in there.

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote the original post! I've been home for 5 years now...it's hard to believe. I can't say that sometimes i don't wonder if it would be easier, but it would take a lot for me to go back in there. I have a wonderful career as a union electrician, i have a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm actually trying to look into going back to the florida prison system to talk to other women who are going thru pre-release, share my story and let people see that it's hard as hell, but if you stick to it you can make it after prison. I want to thank everyone who has replied over the years to this post. It's meant a lot too me.

Bravo for you JJ-J21956!! Glad to hear it has turned out posative for you. Prayers coming your way for you would be a blessing to those women in pre-release, letting them know about what you went through and your experances.