I have been home since March 2003, and I have to admit that I have had to struggle to make a successful return to the outside world.

After each small victory I have been able to celebrate and take pride in my accomplishment.

After each setback, I have done what we all do ex-con or not, I have tried to figure out what went wrong and went back at the problem with renewed vigor and either overcome the problem, figured a way around it, or decided that it was not worth the effort and went on to the next challenge.

I have a good job, Linda and I managed to save our home, I have been successfully paying my restitution and it will end in June of 2005. I will be on paper until 2008, but I know that I can do it and that it too shall end. And I have been trying to help others who are trying to overcome the challenges of coming home from prison - that is the most satisfying part of my return home.

So what is the problem you ask?

I did something yesterday that I thought I would never in my wildest dreams be able to do again. I know you are going to think me silly, but what I did was buy a car for my Birthday present to myself.

Linda and I need a second car both for our jobs and the fact that we have just had major problems with our original car and we don't quite trust it. We had just picked it back up from the shop Saturday.

But our "new second car" is not just any car, it is the car of my dreams, a car that I have wanted since I first rode in one in 1975.

My car is a mint condition 1975 Mercedes 450SL.

You would think that I would be happy and in a way I am. You would think that I would be saying to myself - I have made it, I have overcome prison and all the challenges that I have faced since coming home.

So why do I feel guilty about my success? I wish I knew.

Am I making any sense? Does anyone else understand what I am feeling and why?

Patti

What you mean "mint condition" ?????? :confused:

Phil

Phil,

It is just like the car is brand new. I could not believe how beautifully maintained it had been over the last 30 years.

Patti

Patti ~ I wonder if it is truly the successes you have achieved that are really bothering you. I could be wrong but taking on a new car, whether there are payments involved or you just laid out a huge amount of cash can sometimes lead to a major case of the guilties (how could I do this to our budget, are we gonna be okay, etc). I am sure you and Linda thought this through thorougly and yet on some level you have some misgivings. I suggest a long leisurely drive with your love and remind yourself that you are worthy and deserving.

Enjoy,
Patty

LOL !!! :D :D I just checked in my dictionary, and "in mint condition" actually means something !!! :D I NEVER heard this expression before, I thought maybe you made a typo !!! For me mint is for sweets or chewing gum !! :D Gosh I'm really learning a lot on PTO !!! :)

Congrats on your new car, Patti, and on your successful come back !!! :) We're very proud of you, nothing to worry about honey !!! There are worse things in life than buying a Mercedes !!! :D

(((HUGS)))

Phil, "in mint condition" despite too much wine last night ... :p

Patti,
You worked for the money and if there are no disagreements with Linda, DRIVE IT GIRL!! You deserve everything in life as much as the next person and when you get them, enjoy them. You get your dream car and verification that your life is good. You can get and be anything that you want.

Patti...I am sure that when you were in prison, you were "put down", physically, emotionally, spiritually. We absorb our environment..after months and years of hearing how worthless you are as a convict...when you do something luxurious for yourself, I would think that there would be feelings of "guilt", even if you have nothing to feel guilty about. As women and mothers, we are so used to looking out for everyone else, when we do something just for us, it seems odd....selfish...but it's not...enjoy your car. I just splurged and treated myself to a long coveted convertible and I love it! ENJOY.

Linda and I took a ride today. For the first time since I can remember I have enjoyed a vehicle so, so much. She rides like a dream!

You know, during that ride I not only came to joy with our new car, I came - again - to joy with life.

We all have our struggles and Phil, Patty, Lisa, and MiamiChica have hit it on the nose, and yes, it is time to enjoy the fruits of accomplishment.

This morning a friend from prison came by, and we were talking about a girl we both knew who we have seen on the streets, and how sad it was to see her and how afraid we were and are of failure.

This friend came by to show me her engagement ring and introduce her future husband - she has regained two very important things in life, love, and the wisdom and confidence to know that come what may she is going to make it.

Linda is my Love, and I am slowly working on the wisdom and confidence.

Yes, it is time to enjoy the fruits of my struggle.

I am going to enjoy my dream car for a very long time.

Thank You all,

Patti

I'm so happy for you and for Linda and for all of us. Thank you so much for sharing, it made my day!!!

Enjoy the ride,
Patty

Congratulations on the new car!!!

And for coming to terms with your sucesses!! Very hard thing to do.

Do you have a picture yet of the car???

JJT

JJT,

Taking the film to the developer tomorrow after work!

Patti

Congrats on the car,I'd love it too. Maybe your just feeling bad for the ones that didn't make it. Well you did and you deserve the car and everything good life has to offer. YOU EARNED IT!!!!

Enjoy your dream...you deserve it...be proud of yourself!

Patti,
Congratulations on the car and all of your accomplishments! Be proud of yourself--we're proud of you!!

Nancy

Linda,You are a wonderful woman who deserves every ounce of happines and sucess you get!
Enjoy that car of yours lady you deserve it :)

Yaaaay Patti! may you both have much joy in the hot wheels and in everything you do. It is so well deserved. I know- you wish you could buy one just like it for everyone you love- but that's OK.

:) Patti - the car sounds wonderful - and I'm looking forward to the pictures.

I have to agree with most of the people here though that you have/had no reason to feel guilty - you and Linda have worked hard both physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to get where you are - and you should enjoy it.

As a friend of mine has told me 'Prison is made to break your spirit' ....and you shouldn't feel guilty that you're free and after all the work you and Linda have put in things are going well for you

Francesca

"pleasure is a freedom-song.
And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart" Kahlil Gibran