*deep breath*

Well...I am not sure what to say or how to say it...I guess I'm just feeling really overwhelmed...and I'm afraid this is something he can't help me with...he doesn't know how things feel from my side...I'm hoping that someone can give me some words of wisdom...

Here is a man on death row...that I am head over heels for...and things get more and more intense with each letter and now phone calls...He told me last night that I was his everything. Which means so much more than saying "i love you"...and I am losing it...

Since the beginning he told me that he appreciated me because I had these two worlds My world and Our world...in our world I am his and he is mine...and in my world I go about my day to day life...studying, dating, going out, etc...and I used to be so good at seperating the two...the problem is the closer we get the more time I want to spend in "our" world...not that I am going out less or that school is suffering....more that I have no interest in anyone else...

I can never have "normal" with him...he will never be coming home...and at the end of it all the state will take him away from me....*sigh* How do you ladies do it ? I am not sure I can...and yet I can't imagine giving him up...I enjoy and cherish every moment God will afford us...I'm just so emotional these days...missing him...

I'm probably not making any sense...I guess I worry that I am going crazy or losing touch with reality...I want something or someone to tell me it's okay to love him...that things will be just fine...unfortunately I think I am the only one who can confirm that and has those answers :(

I don't want to seem bitter...but I am...i read post after post of people in love with their man...and the count down to when he is getting home...I am soooooo happy for them and jealous to no end. To me...that makes so much more sense...it seems rational to allow yourself to fall in love with someone who will come home some day....I don't believe love just happens...love is a choice...*sigh* I am questioning everything and myself...I'm really struggling with this. I have shared all of this with him...and while he is supportive...he can't possibly understand/relate. How could he ? Just as I can't truly feel what he is feeling...

thanks for letting me get this out....

AWWW Ice, I feel for you, kiddo... I can't imagine how it must hurt to know you'll never be together on the outside. It's so painful for us that are just waiting patiently for the short journey to be over...You sound young...I'm a grandmother...I've seen a lot in this wicked world....good and bad...you didn't say how you met your man, inside or out? This could make a huge difference...you sound so sweet, so innocent. I could tell you that you have a long exciting life ahead of you and deserve to share it with a wonderful man - have children - a home - a career - wherever your path takes you..but apparently at this moment your heart takes you to a man in prison who will never get out. That's a tough reality... However, you have many choices...and time will take care of that. You may meet someone else you could love and then be torn between two men...you could abandon him now and close this chapter of your life...but you don't sound like you would or could. I don't think I could make that decision if I felt I loved him...but your heart will let you decide when the time is right...
It's all noble and everything to stand by your man but sacrificing your own happiness would not be right and I'm sure your guy wouldn't want you to. I'm not suggesting that you "give him up" but the day may come when you will want to... and no one should judge you. Many a lady, throughout time, has longed for a man that is inaccessible...they go on with life, however painfully, but always carry him in their hearts...you may have to do the same thing...your man is very dependent on you at this time - all these tough guys on the outside are cupcakes inside when it comes to the love of a soft, nuturing woman...and he needs that, for now...don't feel guilty, if and when time comes to a close - you can always remain a loving friend...in many ways its like the grieving process of death...you will probably go through the same stages....painfully...but you must follow your heart...I wish you well and will say a prayer for you....

Dazzler, very well put girl...(((IceBlueSparkle))) your heart is genuine. I admire how you & your friend communicate. It's wonderful that he's found comfort in saying, "you are his everything." You are his Angel. The mystery of Love...I honestly don't know what more can be said. Just do what's best for you. Your happiness is most important. Whatever your decision. PTO has your back. Stay strong;)

Ice I think dazzler said everything that can be said, a wise woman she is. I don't believe anything is accidental, I don't know your situation but I believe that God will walk you through every step of it, and will help you choose the steps that are right for you. Loving makes us vulnerable, and teaches us who we really are and what it is we need in life.

Dazzler couldnt of put it any better, I could relate to everything that she was saying.

Ice, I dont know if its my beliefs, or my opinion, but I agree, we are put in the paths of people for reasons, and sometimes those reasons are beyond us. To feel that kind of love though, I do know this, its a gift, that some people search many lifetimes to find. Its harder when the person you deeply love is on death row, and I know, everytime you read of an execution, your heart breaks, because you feel for there loved ones, as you tend to put yourself in their shoes for a little while, and think... I dont want to go through that. But the love you have gets you through it, and gives you the strength, and you pick up and continue. I can tell you this though, it is ok to love him, and it is ok to care, and no matter what journey your life takes you on, at the end of the day, it makes you the special person that you are inside, warm, caring and loving. ((((hugs)))))

Thank you so much everyone!!! I can't tell you what a relief it has been to read your posts. In some ways I feel a big burden has lifted just by finally saying it all out loud!!!

Dazzler you are so wise :) Definately a lot of things to think about....

Thank you again :)



Thanks sooooooo much.

well im here to say its ok to love him. my man is on DR and i love him very much and will stick it out with him till the end. the bottom line is wether hes a bum on the street or on DR hes still a man with feelings and intitled to and capable of love. so dont feel like somethings wrong or beat yourself up about it. if the love is there go for it and enjoy it. you may be missing out on something wonderful if you dont.