A lot depends on each person and how much time they have been down I know, but there is a time period of confusion of how a person is suppost to act, react and interact in Society.

There are many dreams made on the inside and when on the street, they fall flat, don't turn out as planed.

I hope this thread will bring out some of the pit falls, what "could" happen, what "might" happen and so forth.

The idea is to get some of this information flowing, so those on the outside can get there loved ones thinking about what "might be", when there are released.

So, share you experiences and how they effected you with family, friends, job and Society in general.

Freedom is a state of mind. I was incarcerated for 14 months and what kept me going was the knowledge that although I was inside a human warehouse, only I could allow myself to be imprisoned. Therefore, when I was finally released, it wasnt that hard of a transition to return to society. The harsh defenses I had up while away were dropped as soon as I saw my beautiful children. The biggest problem is the insecurities that creep in when interacting with old friends and co workers. But my believe in God gave me the strength to remember that the only perfect one is God himself ! When properly motivated to prove your worth (to yourself) you can overcome the negative connotations that are associated with being an Ex Offender. I cetainly didnt include that info on my resume, but I was blessed to have an opportunity fall into my lap that put me in an Administrative position at a local Church. Once I got hired and worked my you know what off for the first two weeks, I confided in the Pastor and told him about my past. He appreciated my honesty and has kept my secret to this day.
To those newly released, I offer
this advice" There are two rules to live by to be successful in life
1. No matter what, don't quit!
2. When in doubt, refer to # 1 !
Don't let anyone define your your future.

Thank you sky! I hope others will add some insight also.

This is a really great thread...thanks for starting it BRay. I hope others do add to it. I'd really appreciate reading everyone's experiences.

I honestly believe freedom after incarceration means healing and recovery. I believe each person heals in their own time. I think the biggest pitfall is not remebering the feelings we have during incarceration. The feelings thoughts and beliefs we have about never returning to incarceration. Whenever, I am offered a deal that could send me back, I remeber the fears, lonliness, deprevation. It keeps me free mentally and physically free. I would never want to lose my freedom again.
I also try to remeber it easier to change the screwed up penal system from outside not inside!

okay, ya'll bare with me... my shift key keeps sticking so i'm gonna type in all lower case letters...hehehe

how long does it take to feel free? that's a good question...

i served right at 3 years in prison... when it came time to be released, i was a mixture of excitement and fear. i think most of it was excitement though.
once out, it was like i had forgotten how to live in the real world. the first thing we did, me and my mom, was go to a steak house... i wanted some real food. i actually had to get my mom to cut my steak for me... i couldn't quite get the steak knife to work right. then there's other little things, like forgetting to close the bathroom door, always being on guard when anyone tried to do something nice for me, and things of that nature.
once back in 'society', things were so different. i think my biggest problem with 'feeling free' again, was the readjusting period.... relearning what it was like to pay bills, to leave enough driving time to get to work, to go out somewhere without having to ask...
i guess it took me a couple months or so... but it's so much more than that. even once you start feeling the freedom, it's still not the same. i came out on intense probation, and am actually still on supervised now... so there's a part of me that still doesn't feel completely free, and i've been out since nov. of 98. once someone hear's that you done prison time, they look at you differently, they treat you differently. people won't trust you, they'll cut you cross looks, and then there's always the gossip.
i guess that feeling of freedom comes to everybody differently. for me personally, i still haven't had the opportunity to feel completely free, so i really can't answer this question completely.

jodygirl

(((((hugs))))) to all of you.

thank you for sharing.

xo,
em

Thanks for this post guys! I'm still waiting on the other side of the wall and wondering what it will be like for my baby when he gets home. He's pretty "free spirited" and is still young. I hope he's okay when he gets home.
My son gets out in 5 months and we are all pretty neverous. He'll have 4 years "on paper" once he's out. He's talking about going back to high school. I'm not sure if that's a good choice or not that's if we can get a school to take him. I'm not sure he'd be able to adjust to that type of situation agian. He's been in for 2 yrs. He went in at 16 missed 11th,12th grades. He wants to play football and go to his Senior Prom, etc. He has enough credits to go 1 year and do it. But I'm not sure. We want to support him and are trying to find some type of support groups in Florida but aren't having much luck. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places?! If anyone knows where I can find help it would be great!!
Thanks agian! I learn so much from you. Your all great! ;)
cheryl

Jody, I hear you....


I have several friends who were incarcerated and the fears they had after comming home were tremendous. One of them jumped each time a phone would ring. One could not stand for a TV to be on... One could not tolerate noise of anykind when sleeping.... (That was because in a dorm there is so very much noise and they really did not sleep at all.)

Just driving on the highway is a fear.... Going into a store or restaurant and seeing the prices now compared to when they were incarcerated.

Feeling secure that they can support themselves.

There are so very many things. Every single area in the US needs an Inmate Support Group that will help inmates to re-adjust to freedom..

My Love
Donna

I totally agree Donna.....
and it's especially hard for those who don't have any family or friends waiting on them when they get out.
I have one friend that always seems to fall back into the system... when I asked her why she always goes back, she replied , "Jody, it's just too hard. I've been in the system so long, I don't know how to live in your world anymore."
She was recently paroled out 'again'... and i tried to get her to move to texas with me, but she wouldn't come.


Jodygirl

This is on topic but not directly...

From the reading and research that I have done I think that one of the best things that we can do is help these men and women plan for release. We need to set up a support group inside of our own families and relationships to help them with the challenge of coming back home. 2 years or 20 years inside will be handled differently by each Prisoner and each one of them will have different challenges. I personally think that just being aware of the challenges is half the battle.

We most of all have to be there for them.

I really like the idea of this thead and look forward to more actual experinece and advice shared here! Thanks B-Ray!

This is very interesting. My son is going to be released from Folsom next Friday morning. He has been in for a little over 13 months.

I know that is not a long time compared to some, but I have been wondering what it will be like for him. Suddenly he will be back in the real world. Thirteen months ago he was suddenly thrust into the world inside. That would be tough.

He certainly has a better problem facing him beginning next Friday.

Jodygirl,
I know what you are talking about. It seems like my husband does the same thing, But before, it was always a few months here and there, then the time before this, it was a very "easy" 18 months in State Jail which I totally spoiled him so he had no reason to be "afraid" of going back. But when he was arrested this time and the charges he was facing could have gotten him 25 to life, (they were dropped because they were bullshit), but he still had to wait until he was sentenced and it was hell. He was sentenced to 8 years TDC, 1st time in a "real" penitentary, and his story has now changed. He is actually doing things to change and be a better man and a better husband, which he never cared about before. So I think that unless they are really ready to give up that life and grow up, they just keep going back. But also, I am ALL he has now. No family, although he does have a sister and a mother, but they havent even called to see if he was still alive (he ran from the police and wrecked at 90mph). It's true that it does help to have people who dont give up on you and I know I will never give up on him. As long as he tries, i'll be here.
I guess its al in "if and when" they WANT to stop returning, and whether or not they have a reason not to.
diane

These are some of the questions I have been asking myself. What will life be like for us when he is out? How will he adjust? I do not really have a fear of him going back in because he does not have a substance abuse problem, I hope I am not fooling myself.

B-RAY I THINK YOU CAN HEAL AND MOVE ON BUT SOCIATY IS VERY UNFORGIVEN HOW UNFAIR.

Well being an ex myself though quite a while back and having James on the verge of his parole hearing, I have to say recently he talks quite a bit about his fears of not getting parole. But what I hear him say that worries me is his dreams of when he comes out. I know so well from my own experience that most of those dreams and plans you can have can fall apart when you get out. I truly believe that if you dont have someone that will support you and be there for you, the road will be very tough. I had plenty of dreams and plans, when I did get out, I faced a world that was completely different then the one that I had before I went in. I couldnt go back to where I had come from since it was a world of trouble, I was in a new world when I came out that I couldnt quite grasp or trust. But prison can teach you to cope with almost anything and fake your way threw the rest just to survive sanely. So what I learned in prison is what gave me strength to keep trying, no matter how many walls I hit, which were plenty. I dont think James really has a perspective of this right now, its been too long and the world he was last with as a free man wont know him now. I am worried like hell that he wont be paroled yet again, but what worries me most is when he gets out. Even though we are going to get married, I live pretty far away and will have to only visit him and he wont be able to visit me, though he tells me he has a plan to do this when he gets out. I wont let him since he would be violating his parole rules. I know its so hard for him to realize so much of what he will face when he gets out. He has plans of buying this and that for his son, going here and there, and getting certain jobs. This wont come easy for him and he will of course have a financial situation when he gets out, as in no money. This will probably be a big reality check for him, it was for me and found myself coming close to crossing a line again a few times. I think when he gets out it will be very hard for him at first. He is a strong guy though and I know that if he can get himself threw a couple of months and get a job, he will be ok. He has spent years learning to do what it takes to hold his head high in prison, and with some adjustments, he will find out that in some ways, real life can be sort of the same except when it comes to someone you trust. The ones that come out that dont have someone they trust are worse off I think, that was me for sure, hey I didnt trust anyone for years and I certainly didnt have a support system when I got out. I think often the friends you think you might still have when you get out will be different, time kind of carries on when you are in there, and you forget people change, they also dont always want to trust you when you have been inside, no matter what it was for, its funny how your senses can be fine tuned to pick up stuff like that. Life on the outside can sometimes be like a prison without walls. Rules, schedules, headtrips, etc. But like I said if you have someone that will be there for you it can make all the difference in the world.

Witchlin

Hello Everyone, I just saw this Post and decided that I should write in hopes of helping someone who has just recently been released or someone who has been out for awhile and is still having trouble. I am going to try to touch base with the most important things because if I dont, This could turn out to be way to long!! First of all, I want to say that when I got arrested I was charged with quite a few felonies, and it was the first time in my entire life that I had ever been in trouble with the law!!! I was facing a Mandatory Minimum Sentence of 25 years and a 5000,000 fine!!! No, I didnt hurt anyone, just myself, but what I did and got caught carried a Mandatory Minimum Sentence of 25 years. It took a year of going back and forth with my Attorney and the States Attorneys office to get the 25 years dropped to 1 year, and that Only Happened by THE GRACE OF GOD!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT GOD INTERVENED IN MY SENTENCE AND THAT IS WHY IT WAS REDUCED!!!! FROM DAY ONE I HAVE ALWAYS GAVE GOD ALL THE GLORY AMD PRAISE FOR ME ONLY HAVING TO DO A YEAR!!!!!! AND HERE COMES THE BEST PART, I WAS RELEASED ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! I have been home 5 years last october, will be 6 this comming October on my Birthday!!! It was very hard on me being locked up and away from my family for that year, I had never been away from them!! But GOD WAS WITH ME THE ENTIRE TIME AND KEPT ME SAFE AND BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO HIM!!!! When I was first released for about 2 years, I had very bad Nightmares all the time about being locked up. Little things would set me off, sounds of keys rattling, any thing Stainless Steel, etc. Finally one day I cried out to God and ask him to Take away the bad memories out of my mind. He didnt, but he did ease them to where I had Peace. I am glad that he didnt take them completely away because that is what has and is helping me to still stay on the straight and Narrow today!! I know one thing, If I would not have got caught, I would not be alive today!!! I hope that this helps someone here, because it is still hard to relive my Past!!!!! Thank You

I am an ex-offender..6 years in a state prison in Florida (Santa Rosa) I am almost 30 and spent most of my life either in a cell or on parole. You cant imagine how tough it is when you get out. I went in at 18...had not lived at all. I had troub le using a knife, dressing myself and a million other things. Being outside at night freaked me out at first. Even now..weird things still throw me off..i don'tknwo that you ever get over doing that much time..but you can learn to deal.

JasonR

My son has been in prison since he was 24... He actually served 2 years at 18, released at 20 and back in at 24, so most of his adult life has been in prison also... His max out date is 2011. So, as you can see, it will be awhile unless something happens with Parole or appeal.... I worry so much about this very situation, because he will come home... He is not a bad man, He got into a situation that he could not handle. May God Bless you and keep you.... Remember, he is your only answer. Turn yourself over to him and he will carry you through this situation....

My prayers are with you

Donna

hi all
my soon to be husband has served 13 years in jail of a 12/2-25 year sentance. He has a CR date set for 2006 and parole next April...Weare hopeful and dream and we are positive and strong, we do not want to waste time thinking of the bad, although we both realize the obstacles ahead....I feel for him and worry for him. He is so hopeful and determined and mentally strong. He has been in theraputic and or positive constructive programs almost his whole time inside, and he has been am ART facilitator for 5 years now. He is capable, more than capble and I do not doubt him but I still worry and I am scared to death-yet I have faith, and believe in him, is that fooling myself? Are we in for a rude awakening?

Hopefully my James will get out next april. When he does come home, he will have served 8 of a 10 year sentence. He has been in his whole adult life. It worry's me as to how he will adjust. I know he is a strong man, but everything is going to be a challenge. What if anything can I do to help him with the transition? How can I make it a little easier for him? What should I expect? I must say that this is one of the most helpful post! Thank you in advance for any help that you can give...

Lisa

__________________
Lisa:cuffs:James

I remember after my release of feeling "out of place." Like people were looking at me and knowing I was in prison. I didn't carry any bad memories from prison but I didn't feel good about myself. It is difficult to talk to others about prison life if they have never been thro it. After my second release I noticed all these responsibilities were back in my life. In prison you worry only about staying out of trouble. Now I have to work, feed myself, clothes, be nice to my neighbors...etc. It was easier to get back into the role of being an inmate than to straighten up and become a model citizen. Who ever figures this one out will stop this high return rate. God bless that one, amen.

rtee

rtee... wow, you made a powerful statement there... about how it was easier to get back into the role of being an inmate rather then to become a model citizen!

I had been in and out of jail several times, but only once did I go and do prison time. I know when I was released, I felt the same way you did... thinking that everyone just knew I was in prison! This November marks my 5th year of being out of prison, (and will finally come off of probation... wooohooo), but I still have that same 'feeling' from time to time.
It really makes me wonder... will I ever be able to totally put those 3 years I spent in prison behind me? Hmmm... I just don't know!~ I think it will always be there, somehow, someway!

Jodygirl

I can´t say anything, but want to thank you !!! All this post are really helpful , to learn in everyway...I newver got in trouble or saw a prison from the inside...I try to learn so much about the system, and since I met Eddie , how I can help him, if he get out ...it´s his second time there..the first he war 6 years, 6 month outside, now 6 years again..I always was try to understand why you do the same thing, if you know , you go back...??? All this post here, Eddie´s letter I really can understand the situation...but be honesty...after this long time, you can really help to stay without trouble after he get out??? How you can help? Is love enough ?

Knuffiwelt

your words break my heart. Guys like me get locked up and complain how bad it is. How much we want to come home. And promise we never do that again. How awful it must be on you people who love us. The feelings of helplessness, lonelyness... etc. I am so sorry that I've put anyone thro this. I was 17 the first time I went to prison and it must have been pure hell on my mother. I can only imagine the tears that you all shed for aholes like me. You and my mother didn't deserve to go thro this hurt. Whether your loved one says it or not, I'd like for you all to know that we are sorry for this pain we put you thro.

-Jodygirl :)
Just love that Mother Teresa

rtee

sheesh, i just saw this post and my heart goes out to you all.

WOW I'm glad to see this back in the forefront. I forgot I started this last January.

For some, as it's basicly been stated, the court, cuff's and time spent, is enough to keep them outside the wall.

Even tho, forgetting is a desire, it's a tool in helping one to stay out of trouble as the years pass, once a person finds there comfort zone.

The time from hitting the gates to finding that comfort zone is where things are hard! It's one thing to have hopes and dreams, but planning for reality is the key, and that's where ya'll come in.

The problem is when a person comes out with the attitude of, I'll do what I want, when I want and screw the system. There's the RED flag ya'll need to be looking for, that type of attitude before they get out.

This attitude isn't something you write about, but what you pick up on through there actions and reactions. A con is a con and will do and say anything to get what they want. The old honey-bun game.

Keep the post coming, they just might be the key for somebody and you just might gain from it too!

sabine~

I understand how you feel. I ask myself everyday is my love enought to keep him out of trouble. James went in as a child, and has spent almost his entire adult 20-28 year old life in Jail. I sent him a letter one day and was talking about burning a cd - he actually thought I put a lighter to the CD. I didnt realize just how much he has missed out on until that day. He has alot of responsibility now.. A wife, sick grandmother and sick mother, so I feel he will do right, but what can I do to make it easier on him? I think about this everyday.

Personally, I think it is the day to day responsibilities that get to them. I know my man told me last week that "doing time is easy". He said he could do time standing on his head. The staying out is the issue. He also got into how hard the Parole restrictions are and how you mess up in the least little way and they throw you back in. We got into a rather heated discussion, because my take on that is don't mess up at all then. That way YOU are in control and YOU win. He tends to see it more as a "them" against "us" mentality. That worries me. This is definitely something we need to discuss more before his release. They are so busy with useless programs in jails when what they need to be teaching is basic life skills and proper release plans.
Just my thoughts,

S

Shan & Kev

Your words are so true. The time was easy to do. Being out here is a real struggle. The worst part is that jail gives an attitude. Most of the guards are no-bodies who take advantage of their authority. They treat you like it's their job to make your time more of a punishment. Some guys snap and go off. It's not easy to take crap from anyone. And it's not just the guards who are aholes. There is no easy way to do it. Just be supportive and let them know how much you missed them when they were gone. Threats don't work with grown men. But I will have to admit, if they don't straighten up, then your best bet is to move on.

Me no step on any1's toe.

I am so glad I found this thread. Thanks so much to everyone for their insights.

My son is 19 and will be coming home July 30 after 9 months in state jail. As the time has drawn closer Ive been searching for any and all information that will help him.

Information for me that can offer insight into what to expect. Problems, emotional issues he will be facing so I can give him the support and understanding he will need to get on his feet.

If anyone feels comfortable sharing what they feared the most when first released, the issues that were the hardest to face, any insight into what will be key to his readjustment I would be very greatful.

God Bless,
Susan

I really appreciate all of the information and insight that I've gained from this thread. Some of the information shared almost brings me to tears. I have so many fears and concerns. However, I will try to focus on the positive. I can never say that I understand, but it will help me to give the best support I can to my friend. Thank all of you so much.

wow, i just want to say thanks for having this up & going.
my 1st & only time in jail was on a 30 day sentence although i only did 17 (thank god).

but, what i am trying to understand & just realize is that when billy gets out he will be around 33 yrs old. he went in when he was 20, other then getting into some minor trouble when he was a teenager..this is like his 1 MAJOR thing he has done..and that 1 major thing landed him 20 yrs (he has already done 10 on the 20 yr sentence).

anyways, when i think about it, i can see, from his eyes, that YEAH, things are going 2 be SO different. i mean he went in in 1993, the cars have changed, clothes have changed, music has changed, gas prices has changed, mortgage rates & rent prices has changed, his family has changed, HE has changed, i havent really changed (im still the weird person he met 4 yrs ago..lol)...tv shows have changed, JOBS have changed.

i DO take for granted what i am able to do as a "FREE" person..on the outside. i drive like a..WOMAN!!! i spend $$$ like its growing off of trees, i cuss to much, i smoke too much, i drink 2 damn much..lol, im cool w/wearing white..im USE to having a door that i can shut, im use to having my cell phone AND cordless phone WITH CALLER ID..but, on the OTHER Hand (his side)..he has to deal with the cells, that make that LOUD noise when they shut..he is use to the CO's. he is use to wearing ONLY white outfits, he is use to showering with 30 other NASTY men, he is use to always having his guard up & not being able to fully trust anyone (which is understandable). he is use to being disrespected & molested by those nasty MEANIES that are in the same unit as him. he is use to only making a 5 minute call once every 3 months.

BASICALLY, what i am getting at is that...everything i have...its like, oh yeah, got a new car, and?..oh yeah, im hungry, i think i will go & get some food...oh yeah i need a cigarette,....WHAT he is going 2 have a MAJOR problem with is everything that has changed...i dont know where i am going with this, but i just felt the need 2 get it ALL off my chest..

EVERYTHING i have i expect it to be given to me (im just incredibly selfish & spoiled). with billy, when he gets out, i know it is going to be SUCH a hard road for him, with finding work, with US, with him never EVER wanting to wear white again (lol)...but as i always tell him "no matter WHAT happens, between you, me & us...i will ALWAYS be by your side". & love can conquer all...i am willing to do anything in my power to make his life just a tiny bit easier for him when he gets out.

well, i am rambeling on & on & im dying of hunger, so ill end this now! lol

I guess I am a success story of sorts. I spent 8.5 on the inside of several women's federal correctional institutes. I spent five years of my life under the supervision of a Federal Probation Officer after that.

It was not easy to turn my thinking around upon reentering society. I still watched my back, still tried to manipulate everyone and still put sugar packets in my bra. (ha ha) I was fortunate to have a strong support group. My family was there for me in every step I took. I guess the thing that kept me going is KNOWING that I was never going to go back there. As mentioned in earlier posts, it is not the time that is hard. For me, it was being away from my family that was the hardest. My sister was killed while I was away, my brother had two children, whom I hardly knew. My parents grew older and suffered greatly for my stupid choices. I swore that I would make it up to them.

There was assistance on the inside for me too. I attended a drug program prior to my release and met a counselor/friend whom I could confide in. I told her my fears, my passions, and my dreams. She allowed me the time to express my hatred and my anger at the system that put me there in the first place. She was compassionate and loving. There are people on the inside who care. I found a lot of support amongst other female prisoners as well. I still keep in touch with several. They are MOSTLY success stories as well. So, we must have done something right. The few that did return fell into a trap of going back to old routines and friends. YOU MUST find healthy ways to occupy your time. For me, it is work, family and the ocean.

I do have to say from my experience, it is possible for those family members/friends who support us to be overwhelming. We understand that you want what is best for us but do not expect us to feel comfortable talking about the experiences that we faced or are facing upon reentering into society. That will come with time. Just love.. Love is enough. Home cooked meals are great too. ;) just kidding.

Find support groups, such as this post to discuss what you are feeling. Let go of the past and look towards the future. It is what YOU make of it. I know that I am more fortunate then most but I still sometimes wonder how easy it would be to go back. The lack of responsibility is alluring at times. I know in my heart that I will never but it still appears in my mind from time to time.

When I do not think about my incarceration for long periods of time, which does happen after a while, something will remind me and I stop, breath and look at the little things that I take for granted. That is what is important.

I found this site, just today, because I search for commonalities amongst people who share the same type of history. I hope and I pray that with my posts that I may be able to help someone along the way. I do feel free most of the time, but the skeleton in my closet always finds a way to reappear. I am working on acceptance now and I am tired of living a lie to most people that I meet. I am tired of having to find the right time to explain my history and how it has shaped the person that I am now. This is my struggle now.

There is hope.

I'm not sure how much I can add to this thread. But I do know about dreams and plans that are made while your loved one is locked-up. And how thins can fall apart when they come home.
Jeff and I had made huge plans, all the way down to what we would name our first child together. We even argued about my having a baby at home. I wanted to, he said not a chance. Anyway, I started to prepare. I bought a much bigger house, thinking we would need the extra room. Talked to my family about a good job for Jeff. We were going to be the model american family. Then when he came home on parole, it was just to find that we can't be together anyway, yet. Because I have two children under 18..
It's been hard. No it's been hell really. To be seperated when your loved one is locked-up is one thing. You can still write to them and visit them and talk on the phone. Jeff and I can have no contact for the duration of his parole. I've carried on, as best as I can. I still have a life to live. But there are times at the end of the day when it's really quiet that I have time to think. That the whole situation makes me soooo very angry. The Michigan Department of Corrections has taken so much from my family and I and Jeff it all seems soo unfair and unesessary.. I pray every day that no one else I love ever has to deal with the MDOC agian. I always thought the punishment should fit the crime, this one dose'nt. I just don't get it...

Originally posted by starnetsa



I found this site, just today, because I search for commonalities amongst people who share the same type of history. I hope and I pray that with my posts that I may be able to help someone along the way. I do feel free most of the time, but the skeleton in my closet always finds a way to reappear. I am working on acceptance now and I am tired of living a lie to most people that I meet. I am tired of having to find the right time to explain my history and how it has shaped the person that I am now. This is my struggle now.

There is hope.

Boy, do this words ever hit home with me. I got nearly 30 years of crime and incarceration under my belt. Almost all my education and knowledge has come from jail. I didn't learn a thing in public schools, cept how to smoke in the boy's room. I find it very hard to communicate with others without bringing up my criminal past. And if I lie and they find out, well that weighs heavier on me than if I just went ahead and said I'm an ex-con. I do feel more comfortable around other ex-cons but I hate to say it, most others still have that "criminal attitude." And I'm thro with that life. I stopped writting my name on cell house walls. Although, I know how easy it would be to go back, criminal record never goes away.

I Think, There is Hope too.

Rtee,

I am glad that you have found common ground with my words. I also thought that I was the only one but it is good to know that this challenge belongs to many.

Sometimes, I want to shout from the top of the mountain. I am an EX-CON, deal with it. Just to get it over with. I wish that there was some way. Instead, we are forced with judging when the time is right, if at all.

It is easy to say F*** them all but a discouraging thing to do. If anything I learned in prison is that even the hardest person needs love.

Hoping for hope...

This thread has become MORE then i hoped for! I want to thank each one of you for sharing! Feeling free comes harder for some, reguardless of the amount of time spent inside.

The words that ya'll have spoken, just might be what someone needs to hear.

When there is "HOPE" there is no end to the possibilities!

This is a great thread, thank you so much. I ache to feel completely free again.

I felt the most free was the 10+ yrs in Alaska 10 mile out of a town and 1/3 mile off the main road.

Now in this neighborhood, I don't have any problems. But I feel a sence of isolation I must keep, therefore not completly free even 40 some years after the fact.

I completely understand what you're saying, star and rtee.... it took me some time, but I have gotten to the point where I don't really care what people think of me or my past.

When I am asked, I hold my head high and tell them, Yes, I am an ex-con! We've all made mistakes in our lifetime, but I don't feel as though we should have to spend the rest of our lives paying for them. I've been out for almost 5 years now, and I still come across certain people who like to point fingers and judge me. This no longer bothers me... and I think everyone eventually gets to that point.

As for feeling free... that time will come to us all!

Jodygirl

Jody,
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I WAS DOWN 7 YEARS AND SO MUCH HAS CHANGED SINCE IVE BEEN HOME LAST. NOT ONLY PRICES OF THINGS, BUT BEING ABLE TO USE YOUR CREDIT CARD TO BUY GROCERIES AND USING A CHECK CARD INSTEAD OF WRITING A CHECK AND SOME PLACES GIVE YOUR CHECK RIGHT BACK TO YOU AFTER YOU MAKE A PURCHASE...IT WAS A TRIP. ALSO, YOU WERE RIGHT, PEOPLE DO LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENT WHEN THEY LEARN YOU WERE INCARCERATED. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN TO FAMILY CAUSE THEY HAVENT BEEN THERE,BUT IM GLAD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE...IT HELPS JUST TO KNOW SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS AND HAVE BEEN WHERE U ARE.....THANX....DGIRL4UA

dgril, I'm glad you read through this thread and it has helped knowing that there are those here at PTO that DO understand.

If you have issues/stiuations that you do not feel comfortable posting in an open forum. You can PM anyone of us by using the 2nd box in blue, at the bottom of a person's post anywere on the site. Also, on the front page at the top, there is a list of who is online here at PTO. Click there name and you can PM them from there profile.

Again, welcome aboard and have a GRRRREAT Day!

B-Ray
Moderator (names in bold letter on the front page are Moderators/Staff members)

dgirl... I am so glad that you found this site! It really is hard to cope and try to 'fit in society' again when you feel alone, and that nobody understands what you're going through. We are definitely here for eachother... with open arms and much understanding.

Jodygirl

I paroled this past February after four years. The first year I was locked up, all I could think about was going home. The next two years I wouldn't allow myself to think about it at all. Then during the fourth year when I thought about it, I was terrified. It doesn't take long to become "institutionalized". The lights are turned on for you, the lights are turned off for you. You are told when to eat, what to eat, when to sleep, when to wake up, when to shower, what to wear. The only control not taken from you is the control you have over your mind; that you have to give away.

Since my parole, some days are easier than others. Life did not stand still while I was locked up, and there some things that take me off guard, and other things that I am trying to adjust to. I don't know if I am struggling with freedom, or struggling with all the changes in my life.

I am not the same person I was when I committed my crime. I cannot say that prison was a good thing that happened to me, but I can say that it literally and figuratively saved my life. Now, comes the hard part. What am I going to do with the life that I have gotten back, one that is so different from what I have always known?

My community is very closed and unforgiving. In some ways I can understand that. I abused the trust and confidence that was placed in me. There are no resources here to help ex-felons transition, especially if you do not have a drug or alcohol history. Even my PO has no suggestions for me. Work is impossible to find. I am fortunate to have been able to parole to my sister's home, and I am very grateful for my familys generosity and caring. However, I no longer fit........who would ever think home was some place I don't belong?

I blame no one but myself for the crime I committed and take full responsibility for it. I never want to forget what it was like to be imprisoned. I do, however, want to get past it.

I am trying to take one day at a time, but as I said before, some days are diamonds, some days are stones.

guysgal... thank you for sharing what you're going through.

I know what you mean about your community being closed and unforgiving; mine is the same way. My crime happened back in 1996, and I still have people today that associate me with the crime.... "Hey, aren't you the girl that.... blah, blah, blah." It is definitely a hard transition from prison back to home, but things do tend to get easier! It just takes some time!

I'm glad you've found us, and I'm glad you're adding your input here! Keep your head up and stay strong!!!

Jodygirl

B-Ray,

Thanks so much for starting this thread. I wish I had found PTO during the time my friend was pre-release and adjusting fairly well (great paying job w/ benifits, community involvement, church, etc.). Unfortunately, he was returned due to failure to complete program (one month from finishing). He was in a half way house w/ a guy (who was a supervisor) that he did time w/; apparently, they had a run in and the guy informed him upon arrivial, that he hadn't forgotten him.

I have shared PTO w/ him and he is excited that I have finally found a venue to vent, seek support, insight, etc.

PTO is truly a life saver and I am confident that w/ PTO's input, once my friend is granted parole and becomes a member of PTO, he will not return.

Again, thanks so much for this thread and creating PTO.

You guys are the greatest.

God Speed!!!

thunder, sorry for the late reply.

I glad that this thread has help. Such comments give me purpose in being here.

Helping those "EX's" to regroup and stay out, is another reason PTO was created by Fed-X.

We look forward to your friend becoming a member and his insights of the system will be most valuable!

I felt free the minute I climbed in the car and realized I didn't have to go back. Everything else just fell into place. Now it seems like I have never been gone.

you know i have been wondering this very question, now that time is getting closer (year and a half) until Jim is able to be released .. so far he has served 8 years, and i wanted to know what i can do in order to prepair him and our whole family to help him deal with being out in society again. he feels really strong about him being ready and he is not going back, and i believe him but he is also aware that it is going to be an adjustment.. this is not his first bit by any means but this is his longest and he never expected this when he was sentenced he said when he was a juvenile they would give him little bits and it would be over and just do the same thing over and over well this time it bit him in the butt and he said never again, and he has worked so very hard to change himself and put the blame where it belongs for once. i really believe he has his head on straight i just need some help to figure out my roll to help him once he is out to try to keep it from being so frustrating.

Unless one can take away that felony record, it's a life sentence - and the world won't let you forget it. Once upon a time I was under the illusion of: once you pay your debt to society, then it's clean slate time. That shows how dumb I am. Society hands you a new request for payment everytime you apply for job, apply for a government program, register to vote, and on and on and on.

I hear ya offpaper!! Selfemployment has made things easier and working for a sub-contractor in the oil fields. They don't care as long as you can do the job. At least it was so when I was in Alaska.

robin_n_jim, I'm glad your head is in the right place! Since each situation is different, it's hard to nail down what and how to do things. Personalities and talents are involved.

You might read what I wrote in this thread:

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39842&perpage=15&pagenumber=1

offpaper... wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head with your comment!
Over 5 years now, and because of that 'felony record', there are still jobs that I haven't had the opportunity to get, etc, etc....
It surely does stick with you, but I believe in the long run, as long as you are persistent, that the trouble and hardache pay off. It not only makes you stronger, but it also helps you to educate yourself and learn so that maybe in the future you'll be able to help someone that has to walk in your shoes!

Everybody says Eric and I will have to just leave the area or else the cops will just keep trying to do him dirt again. In fact the only thing the people who really know the story can blamne him for, is not having left town years ago. Heck, his parents are elderly, all his friends are here- and by now he's convinced that he emits some kinda vibe that just causes them to look at him funny.
He is the self-employable type and so am I, and I think our only hope is in-their-face- vindication, public vindication. But after we get that done- well, even the woman from the NYCLU said it. "Sounds like if he doesn't leave town, they'll just keep doing this (police assault, malicious prosecution.)"
Talk about unfair! meanwhile, once we get the appeal all done, don't be surprised if I'm on here talking about moving to California.
Kinda off topic, sorry. But my heart goes out to all...I wish I was CEO, I would get the word out that ex-prisoners should apply on their merits, and I bet I would end up with the most loyal, intelligent workforce in town. It makes me sick that the debt is not marked "paid in full" and a new chance given.

I've often looked at this thread and wondered how long it would take me to feel free.

It will have been a year this coming March 17th, though I will be on paper for a long time to come.

I realize that it is in some ways freedom is a state of mind and in others it is a physical fact. In the physical sense I am still severely restricted even in the free world. Financially, I will be paying for my actions for several years to come. Both in restitution as well as opportunities that are no longer open to me. My life will remain under scrutiny for a long time. Then there are the things I may never be able to do again, vote, travel over seas, etc. ad infinitum.

However, though there are limitations that I have to deal with, the thought that I can now walk the 30 yards to my beloved beach and sit there and enjoy life and the freedom of taking that walk, that is when my spirit sours and I know I am home and free.

I have lost friends and still have to deal with judgemental people who continue to condemn me because they feel that I was not punished enough for my actions. I am learning how to dismiss them, they are essentially unimportant to my life. They are the ones who are not free, I am on the other hand learning to deal with my actions and the consequences of them.

That part of my life is over and done, will it haunt me, yes, for years to come. But I am not that person anymore, I am someone who has the education of those actions and those consequences.

I am free where it counts - in my heart and my mind and I look to the future with confidence and pride in my past.

Patti

Me Lady, from time to time it will raise it's ugly head even after many years. But it's a matter of saying, hummm you again, FORGET YOU and move on.

There will be things or pepole and we can not change that! But in spit of that fact, there's a whole lot of life and fun to live!!

What becomes important are the thing not seen on the inside. The closeness of a partner, the wilderness of nature and the peace within it, The reconnection of a few and with the PTO society the MASSES. Simple things become important and enjoyable and the long list goes on and on and on!

And those of us that survive, are a guide for those that follow, putting purposes in our ordeal! Or we can swim in it's mud. The choice is ours!

As to, "what might have been" is not to be concidered PERIOD! It is what is possible that we must find our value, to reevaluate our being and find comfort in what we have become is the key.

great attitude BRAY!
the choice is YOURS!

On new years eve i met the greatest guy ever. We were both alone and hooked up. We had the best time ever. The next day he told me that he had been in jail for 6 months. He didn't know how his life was going to go. He was scared hadn't worked in a long time. Depressed and slept most of the time. And he tended to lie some. I didn't know how to approch this a friend said to push hard don't let up call all the time show up etc. Well I pushed him away. Now he will only talk shortly when I call he is nice to me but sounds sad. He has no "free" friends. I don't know what to do next I just call everyday and say I'm still here.

Tammy 1st Welcome to PTO

Not enought information to go on, but it sound to me, like he has done more time then 6 months in jail? 6 years in prison might fit more with what you have revealed so far. But there again, a "lot" will depend on his mentality/personality.

He might be stand offish because what "might" have transpired in the past (type of crime) and is self protecting? Most likely he is feeling his way in finding where he fits in society and isn't going to "trust" anyone, until he does get his footing?

I would suggest to see if he is moving forward in some direction, or just surviving without much effort. The latter means NO furture worth being involved in beyound a friend.

Thanks, What I know so far is he had a pretty good life going. Him and his wife got into drugs and drinking she had an affair and he got 2 back to back dui's. She got the house and everything. Now that he is trying to start over he seems not real sure what to do. If he goes out and parties he will go back to jail. He seems depressed said "he had life by the balls......now life has him by the balls" He is very sweet and cute. Somewhat implusive and moody. I guess he is just trying to figure out where he wants his life to go. We were pretty intense there for week or so. I think I pushed him to hard to get back in life. He also has panic attacks. I don't think he trust me thinks I'll hurt him like she did. I also think there is somethings he didn't tell me and thinks I'll be mad when I find out. I am going to ask him for us to just start it all over and this time we both be truthful and who we really are. What do you think?
Tammy

i have been in society now since 1996, because of the Lord's expectation of me i went with be honest and true to myself and to others as well...my faith got me through the hard times and continue's to do so... i was taken back by your insight because i couldve wrote it myself... your faith and strenght in Christ is evident and i praise you in the Name of our Father... peace and blessings to all.. and feel free to email me .. or if you need some help online or locating someone or etc... let me know and i will see what i can do ...my heart goes out to all of those incarcerated and those who have to deal with this pain on a daily basis...if i can help let me know... c.t.this invite goes out to inmates and relatives alike.... we are all God's children and deserve a second, third etc. chance... Jesus does... Freedom is a state of mind. I was incarcerated for 14 months and what kept me going was the knowledge that although I was inside a human warehouse, only I could allow myself to be imprisoned. Therefore, when I was finally released, it wasnt that hard of a transition to return to society. The harsh defenses I had up while away were dropped as soon as I saw my beautiful children. The biggest problem is the insecurities that creep in when interacting with old friends and co workers. But my believe in God gave me the strength to remember that the only perfect one is God himself ! When properly motivated to prove your worth (to yourself) you can overcome the negative connotations that are associated with being an Ex Offender. I cetainly didnt include that info on my resume, but I was blessed to have an opportunity fall into my lap that put me in an Administrative position at a local Church. Once I got hired and worked my you know what off for the first two weeks, I confided in the Pastor and told him about my past. He appreciated my honesty and has kept my secret to this day.
To those newly released, I offer
this advice" There are two rules to live by to be successful in life
1. No matter what, don't quit!
2. When in doubt, refer to # 1 !
Don't let anyone define your your future.

I honestly believe freedom after incarceration means healing and recovery. I believe each person heals in their own time. I think the biggest pitfall is not remebering the feelings we have during incarceration. The feelings thoughts and beliefs we have about never returning to incarceration. Whenever, I am offered a deal that could send me back, I remeber the fears, lonliness, deprevation. It keeps me free mentally and physically free. I would never want to lose my freedom again.
I also try to remeber it easier to change the screwed up penal system from outside not inside!=katybug03] I agree with you 100% my healing and recover started while I was in. I concentrated on positives and asked God to help me to not magnify the negative of prison life.(the fear, lonliness and deprivation) The 3 yrs that I spent healed me from a drug addiction and alcoholism. I don't go to aa or na meetings(which I probably should) but I do know that for me when I am not feeling the peace and serenity here at home now, I am short changing myself and it is a conscious choice. So it is up to me to just be. Also, I am trying to help a prisoner get the medical help that he need, that is how I found this sight.

this is a great thread my soulmate and heart comes home in 4 months after 11 years and he wants to save the world I am worried about him cause there is a lot going on out here and he seems to be a little overly confident.. He has a great family to come home to and of course me :-) but I still worry he has no idea what is ahead.. he is a very self less person and cares about everyone that he loves 1st and foremost so much he always looks out for us 1st and tries to be strong He has me his sis and his mom plus my daughter and his nephew that he wants to take care of and that is good to have that heart but truth is all we need from Him is for him to be OK.. I pray that he will be I want to love him forever He is my heart... since I was 13 years old now Im 28 and have never loved him more than right now

I am so sorry for being late on this thread; let me add my two cents worth if I can. If a person is released and on probation, then the feeling of freedom is not total, because you are in essence living on "borrowed time". The strength of that time is directly based on the conditions of your probation. For example, in my case when I was released, I was under a 3 year probation and amongst the conditions was to pay $10,000. If I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, then that would be no trouble, but I was not. I had 3 years to fulfill my conditions, or I would be found in fault of my probation, or in "probation violation" and could be sentenced to another 3 years in prison. When you consider that many inmates have little to no money anyway, especially after released, and the odds of getting a good-paying job are even smaller than before because you have a record, it makes it more difficult to get back on track. Anyone can get a job at McDonalds, but to pay the debts to society in probation that will not get it. This is the difficulty I faced, knowing that no regular job I got would get me $10,000 in 3 years; let us not forget any other bills and the needs of any human, like food, shelter and clothing. Heaven forbid if I had any children! But these factors make is much harder to believe that you have your freedom, when you know that in a set period of time, it can be taken back. As long as a person is in probation, there is no absolute feeling of freedom. I wrote a post on another site here on PTO about how that situation played out, but in a nutshell, I got it payed by an act of God. So now I am out of probation, a free man, no strings attached. Now I feel like I am free, because I have no restrictions on me that might pull me back into prison. However, the prison life is now a part of me, since I lived it, and in truth it must remain, so I can know what it was like to lose my freedom for a period of time, and also so I can share some of those experiences, as I do on the NC forums.

I still don't feel free.

Only came out 7 weeks ago, hoping time will heal.

I understand what you are saying Caribbeanqueen, that even after you leave prison, the images and thoughts of prison are still there. I believe they will always be there, but time can heal the images. The more time that passes, the more you start to get back in to the flow of regular life. When I first got out, I remebered the times they officers would have count time, and when chow was served. It took weeks for me to get that out of my head, and look at the now, not the "then". Life has to move on, and when you look at the opportunities you have in front of you, it makes it easier to move on, rather than look back. Again, this takes time; for some it might be a couple of weeks, for some a couple of months, for some longer, but eventually time will get you back to the flow of the everyday and free life.

My friend has served 11 yrs on a 21 yrs sentence and hopes for clemency in 2005 or the sentencing laws in AZ will change. He has been in prison before that--most of his adult life and is now 52. I imagine it will be more difficult for him than most to adjust--he has no opportunity to prepare for the workforce where he is. I think he can make it if he stays away from alcohol and I'm encouraging him to connect with his family (Native American on a reservation). Anyone had the experience of being long-term, older?

There is no easy solution to readjusting to the free world. It can be like coming from one jail to another bigger jail without walls and razor wire. I remeber the first time I got out after doing 11 years mostly in max. If I went to a hotel or bar and bought a drink I always produced the largest denomination bill in my wallet - I was not big-noting - I just did not know the price of drinks and I wasn't going to embarrass myself by producing a smaller bill if the drink cost more than that. I have since spoken to lots of ex-crims who also do the same thing. Curious habit - unfortunately I still do it and usually come home with a pocketful of shrapnel (change). From '85 to '91 I ran a halfway house for ex-prisoners in Sydney, Australia and used the tricks I learned to adapt to the outside world to help others. The house was mainly staffed by ex-prisoners and during the financial year 1987-88 our recidivist rate was nearly zero of the 160 odd ex-prisoners who came from prison to the house only 3 returned to jail. Even probation and parole had a recidivst rate over fifty percent. So we were quite proud that the State did not get a higher percentage of our residents. I guess one of the answers for ex-prisoners to streamline back into society is by getting a helping hand from ex-prisoners who have already made it and can help them avoid the pitfalls. They walk the walk and talk the talk and their experience can be passed on straightforwardly. Hope my response has given some food for thought. cheers from the land down under.

Thank you all for keeping this thread alive!


I remember making BIG plans of doing this and that where EVERYTHING is going to be so COOL! I was in my 20's back then and had no earthly idea what reality was all about.

Reality hit when I could only find a job pumping gas part time. I also remember pulling out the large bills (when I had them) to buy something because I didn't know the price. Another reason I see now for doing things like that is based on the feeling of bewilderment of not knowing where I belonged, where I fit. The feeling of being an outcast, black sheep, not wanted even when those around didn't know my past.

Where I can give myself some credit is realizing pumping gas wasn't going to get it and I got into a trade school and excelled for the 1st time (I was a school dropout) in my young life and got a job paying 3 time the amount per hour.

Finding selfworth is the hardest to obtain and the system isn't geared to help in that area at all! It isn't something that can be given, but must come from within and that takes some self evauation that most young'n doesn't want to do!

Knowing ones abilities and interest will be a guide to what path to presue. But even knowing that, it takes a lot of effort to get beyound what society throws at us. It's a whole lot easier to remain in dispare and do nothing and go nowhere and hang with those like minded which leads to trouble again!

To begain too feel "free" once must dump the "stinking think'n" and pull themselves out of the mire, because NO ONE is going to do it for them!

I hear what you are saying...what if he has changed his ways of thinking, can he still feel trapped out here by society and how much will it affect him, if he has matured and had a lot of time to think and find his self worth. What if he has become mentally strong, what will still hurt him out here if he is confident and ready, or is he? how can one prepare, you cannot really can you? He is not still caught in the stinking thinking trap, but what happens when reality hits him after 16.5 years incarcerated? he has big plans too, he wants to go to school for a trade, he wants to get a car and we want to have a family, one day buy a house and live normal lives, but can we really? Just some thoughts I had right now, I had posted on this thread a long time ago too.
I got a lot out of it. I know it is up to us what will happen and if we try hard enough we can make it no matter what, but are we ready like we think we are?

QUOTE "are we ready like we think we are?"


Well that's the best thing you two have going! Make a plan and work the plan knowing it's subject to change. The problem could lay in moving with any "change"! That's what to watch out for.

It's one thing to get P*SSED off with changes (expect it), but staying in that mood is a major problem. If the attitude is to step back and regroup, your still on your way. IMO at the get-go it's a survival mode (whatever it takes) and how long in that mode is unknown until things develop. Just be careful about putting the cart before the horse (what to expect) in the here and now.

If he thinks the ugly head of the past isn't going to arise from time to time, well it WILL even 40 odd years later and it doesn't matter how STRONG he is, it does have an effect, for how long depends on him.

You see, the past can knock selfworth right out the window when things are not going smoothly as expected. The other delimma is when thing are going good and it raise's it's ugy head, one questions if they deserve what they have.

A lot of what I say is from personal experience and what I've picked up from others. It may not fit his personality. Another thing, if he choose who to befriend wisely will be a big help and bury the past as much as possible. There's no braging right about being down because you never know the outcome down the line and I don't care how much one thinks they can trust a "friend"!!!

Thank you for this...

my past has it's way of knocking my self worth out the window, yet I have not gotten over many things either...I know he will never get over being in prison for so many years, but it does not haunt him and shame him anymore, his past is gone and he has accepted it, I really do not know how he had the strength to do it, I for one, have tried and still cannot shake it all away. Yet, I am still sure, like you say, the ugly past for him will be there forever...and it will creep up on him from time to time, it is up to him how long and how he deals with it. thanks again....

The time I did in prison is definitely a part of me....
I have been out for .... 6 years this November... and when people start talking about inmates or the system, (Especially when insulting), I feel alot of the old feeling start bubbling. I have learned over time to hold tight to my experiences.... the many things I learned in prison have brought me this far since my release.
My past will always be with me, always be a part of me... I just had to learn not to still live in it.

Jodygirl

jodygirl, how many years did you spend in prison? thanks for sharing this...

THIS THREAD IS A YEAR OLD, BUT ITS VERY INTERESTING. MY COUSIN SAID IT TOOK HIM A WEEK TO FEEL FREE!! AND HE WAS INCARCERATED FOR 10YRS.

Mrs G, I was only down for 3 years, (which seemed like an eternity at the time)....

I really believe people are making a mistake by 'trying to forget' about what they've been through, because 'forgetting' is never an option for someone who has served time, (imo).
It takes some time, different for eveyone, but I also believe that eventually everyone comes to terms with their past... no matter how happy, sad, distrubing, hurtful.. it may be.

To all of those who have served time and are now out... just a question... do you literally try to 'forget' about the part of your life when you were in prison?

Jodygirl, you make an excellent point; you don't try to wash memories of prison, you come to terms and find out what you was supposed to learn about it and yourself. I don't talk much about prison to people because I don't know if it is something they want to talk about. But to those who are interested, there is much to tell. It is funny, I will never say I had "fun" while in prison, because it was very trying. But I saw it as a challenge to myself. Not just to live through it, but to experience it in the best way I can. I have always believed in helping others, even when I couldn't help myself. We all have something we can contribute, even if it is small. Here at PTO, I have found that all those posts I put up about my experiences and journals has indeed helped someone. Mind you, that was never my intent when I went to prison,but things kinda worked out that way. Sometimes when I think about difficult situations in prison, I get upset with myself that I didn't see things like I do now, or that I didn't get the answer as soon as I wanted. There are many situations I can share that got me so mad, but there are situations too that made me laugh. Both the good and the bad helped me establish who I am, since life itself is a learning exerience. For that reason, you cannot tune out the negatives, because they help you learn too. You can suppress them, but if you don't come to grips with you, it can resurface in a very negative way. The purpose of prison is punishment and rehabilitation, but many forget about the second part. You have got to come from prison learning something about yourself, and you have to come out stronger than you went in. I don't mean that physically. A guy can spend an hour on the weightpile every day in prison for 10 years, and not be any stronger inside than the day he went in. He could easily end up right back in prison inside of 6 months, because he didn't learn about himself. I think it is vital to remember those trying times, so you can share with others. It could help someone keep from going to prison, or help those like PTO to understand more about it.

wow, thanks for sharing this, I totally agree mason- this is key to longevity and succcess out here after incarceration, I believe it is.

A guy can spend an hour on the weightpile every day in prison for 10 years, and not be any stronger inside than the day he went in. He could easily end up right back in prison inside of 6 months, because he didn't learn about himself.

great! thankfully my husband has done both LOL


jodygirl:
eventually everyone comes to terms with their past... no matter how happy, sad, disturbing, hurtful.. it may be.

yes, I agree with this, thank goodness my husband has done this in the past 14 years of his incarceration, although not free yet to the outside world, is free from the pain of his past and we have talked about this...you cannot forget, it has made you who you are, you only learn how to use it and get by it to keep on going with what you are living today...there is no other way but to come to terms with it, not to forget it.

thanks! :thumbsup:

I have a question for ex-inmates, how much has therpay helped in your being free?
how much has your local organizations helped you in getting you "free" ?

Very well put Masonik....
MrsG, Personally, I never went through any kind of therapy when I got out of prison. I was fortunate enough to have my family there for me... they were my therapists... they were the one's that helped me adopt back into society.
As far as local organizations, I'm sure there are some out there that would have helped me, but I didn't look into it. I was ready, and anxious to start my life with the tools I Had learned on my own. While I was locked up, I had eventually made it to an Honor Grade camp... I believe that this helped me tremendously.
The camp itself was not fenced in, I actually got to cross a street, and the visits were held outdoors without fences or guards with guns. These small things helped more than I can put into words to help me prepare for the real world. They were small stepping stones of sorts.... then I was eventually granted passes to leave the prison grounds... with NA and AA sponsors... they took me to meetings or to their homes for dinner or even out for dinner.... Things like this are what took the place of therapy and local organizations, I think.
By the time I was finally released, I was already allowed to get a small taste of the outside world, and that sort of prepared me.

Jodygirl, thanks for sharing that, I am sure you can be very proud of yourself! I only worry because he is coming home after 16 years in 2006....he has a great head on his shoulders and he has me and family, he is prepared as much as he can be, he has done alot of changing for the better, he is a great person, and I have faith in him.

again, thanks for sharing that with me

When my Son got out the 1 st time he felt a kind of anxiety in public, like he felt out of place going to the stores such as K-mart it really bothered him he would have me go to the registers, etc and he would stand aside a look arouned scanning with his eyes everyone and everything!

I don't know if I will feel free again. At least once I am off of paper, and completed all the requirements, maybe things will feel more 'free'

Was just surfing thru and i saw your post How long does it take to feel free?Well i can only tell you the things my brother told me about feeling free....You see my brother spent many years in k.d.o.c. ,he went to prison at the tender age of 18 he was finally Free on Feb.1,2005 the day he died he was 45 years,he had been released for 1 month befor he died,we spent alot of time together,i only left his side 2x in one month so it was a long time in one sense but nothing in the other.The things we take for granted we should never do.The one thing that stood out for me was the fact he would be so fast to say i don't like that and not even know what it was he did not like,one day i asked him brother do you like sorbet?he said no well i had some strawberry and i fixed him a bowl and gave it to him,he said this is really good i really like it then he asked me what it was and i told him sorbet,i laughed ...then i said why did you tell me you didn't like it?he answered me by saying sissy i didn't know what it was and i didn't want you to think i was stupid(sighs)just little things like that ,he never knew what sirra mist was until i bought him a bottle of it he loved it,does anyone know what they feed them?lwell for 99cents not much(frowns)I'm sorry i am rattling on again.back to the question .I don't think a person really feels free,there is always something to remind them,our world is not very nice sometimes..just my thoughts..

May You Always Walk In Beauty
Smokies sister Sarah

How long does it take to feel free? Well, I am starting to feel as though I am free, although I still feel a bit of the whole 'system' thing lurking around. When I left prison they gave me release papers and said to take those where ever I went for up to 3 months in case I was picked up by the police, and their system wouldn't have been updated yet. Needless to say I haven't worried about that too much, as I don't plan on getting picked up by the cops, but anyway. Getting back into doing normal things, like driving a car, and going down the pub, having a party with friends, really helps, but at the same time you feel like a bit of an outsider. I was only inside for 4 months, but it is really a brick wall in the road of life that leaves you stunned for a while.

I can't fathom how it must feel for people who spend 10... 15 years in jail. I met a number of people who were either coming towards the end of their laggons, or just facing it, and I guess it becomes something of your reality. Life on the inside can emulate life on the outside in some respects. The outside is quite a scarey place compared to the ordered normality of the inside. Strange, however it may seem.

I really like the variety of responses here, because it proves that every inmate does his time his own way. It is very refreshing to hear experiences from other people like myself, who has been in the prison system. That answer of how long it takes to feel free is so relative. For one person it could be the second they leave the prison gates, for another the might still be struggling with it, even after being free for 10 years...or more.

For me, you never forget where you came from...prison. It will always be there, like some lurking shawdow, ready to try to pull you back in if you do the least thing wrong. Kinda like society at times, so quick to judge and keep judging even after you paid your debt.

But greater than that is the freedom I have, and my determination to keep it. No, I didn't sprout wings and a halo when I left prison, but I don't remember anyone growing them either. But the point is to enjoy life, and do your best to be successful in whatever you do, while helping others along the way. I know there may be other factors, but to me feeling free is having those ideals. And I guess the moment I embraced them I was indeed free...at least to my description. And that did take awhile, many months. But I still remember the prison days, and they will always be a part of me now. Does that dilute my enjoyment of being free? No,not at all. I am in control of what I do, and what I choose to do, and I choose to enjoy my freedom. I hope many other inmates can do the same. Many already are.

Hi.
I hope I just found out how to reply to all of your wonderful writings. A friend of my sons got out and told me: He went to the store for the first time and there were so many choices and decisions to make that he walked out with a pack of gum. He could not make a decision of any kind.

I wanted to jump back in this conversation even though I have 3 or so already in here, but I wanted to weigh in after a year or so...

It has been over a year since I was last here, and as I reflect on the time I had from my release in 2001, I have to ask myself, do I feel free?

If you asked me to answer either YES or NO, then I would say...

NO.

I can explain that in a sec, but let me answer another way; if you asked me how much I feel free, in percentages, I might say something like 80%.

And that is after 6 years of freedom.

So why would I say that I don't feel free? Simple...because I don't.

Sounds like a smart-aleck answer, but let me explain:

By definition "freedom" means to have independence, or exemption from defeat or duty. (according to Oxford American Dictionary)

As a former inmate, I have to ask myself, am I independent from defeat? The mere idea that I am an EX con means I will never be free from that title. I will never be totally free from that title. So in the most general of terms, there is no true independence from prison.

But that is an extreme, let me try to add more to this discussion from my experience.

Since my release in 2001, I had one hell of a time trying to get my life back together. Not because I had no education because I am a college grad. Not because I had no experience, because I had plenty in the realms of radio and television. It was hard to get and keep a decent job simply because of my record...

there goes your exemption of defeat; in the eyes of most of society, an ex con is forever a defeated man or woman....

But in this struggle I had to make a decision of whether this person (myself) had a life to live, or to just give up. I mean, it wasn't getting any easier for me, and that needs to be said for those of you with loved ones coming out soon.

Still I had a dream I wanted to accomplish, I had goals, I had desires. And the only way I was going to make them happen was to at least try. If I failed, then that is one more failure to my list of woes. But what if I succeeded?

Folks, there will come a time for most inmates where he has to make that decision to go on and make a life or fall back and end up being one of those stereotypical images of the ex con that comes out and goes right back in prison because they can't adjust.

But as I continued to do what I could, more and more time was passing from the day I left prison. This gave me more time to see the things I wanted to do in life, and to challenge myself as to whether I really deserved it.

NOTE THAT LAST STATEMENT, IT MEANS MORE THAN YOU KNOW...

Once an inmate believes that he deserves a good life like anyone else, he has made the right step. Success does not fall in the laps of those who feel guilty for themselves, whether a free man or a former inmate. It goes to those who are willing to push themselves for it.

In the last year or two, I have written prison blogs, numerous posts on other sites, and worked in local radio....longer story that I won't share now.

But the result, to this date, is that even though I have done a lot, I still have that shadow of prison...but I suppose some of you can argue that it is there because I write about it so much. Not so true.

It's there because it is a part of my life.

I can mimimize the amount of "prison" on my mind, but I will never forget that I was in prison. That means that in the truest form, there will never be freedom from prison.

But that does not mean I am hindered by it either. By me writing about my experiences, I can control what it does to me. When I make posts that get people responding and understanding what prison is about, it shows me that even though I had a very difficult situation, I can still help others to cope or at least understand what prison may be about.

So, how long did it take for me to feel free? I can't answer that, but I can say that in no way do I feel bondaged to prison. I can't change the fact that I was in prison, but maybe though my writings I can help others not feel so weighed down by it. As long as an ex con is just that...an EX con, he has just as much a chance to be successful in life as anyone else...

which ironically means that you are free.

I don't tink anyone will ever truly forget prison ( I mean, hey, no one else will let you live it down...just kidding)...society always holds it against you, but the reality is I know I am free, I feel free, but in many ways I am not. am still on parole for another year even though I have a very good relationship with my PO, but the bottom line is I am not "free".

I have busted my tail out here and am going on 5 years of freedom. I served 12, and I feel like I have accomplished so much and I think that is key too...the ore you accomplish out here, the more people forget. People have made choices, and they move on...it can happen to anyone. It still takes time to adjust out here, but it is worth it...believe that.

Brian

Here is something spoken by Theodore Roosevelt at one of his speeches addressing the nation: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievements; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

I've been out for six plus years now, and I still don't feel free.

Let's be honest -- prison does a lot of things to a person; mentally and physically. You see things that you'd never usually see in 'real' life, and you experience things that you'd never usually see or do (Cook with a garbage bag? you've got to be kidding me!)

Even though I'm free physically, once people hear I was in prison, immediately the social stigma comes up. Dating is a challenge, let alone finding and maintaining employment. Banking's a challenge.

There are days where I wish that I'd never wake up...but, then you fly across the US, and watch the sunset from 40,000 feet...and it makes everything worth living.

Anyway; just my thoughts...

BigE

I was released on January 7th 2005, I am on 5 years of Supervised Release. I guess the one thing to remember is that you are not free. When I met with my probation officer on the 7th, I had the attitude to just send me back until I have completed my obligation of hell to United States. Yes I am a federal Felon with not alot to gain these days. I am a white collar criminal, as if that matters, as I tried to look for work I' ve been told that I am to big of a risk and most of the people I know will not even talk to me. My family is good but no employment and real purpose. Iam hoping that it will all end and a sense of freedom will come the day a probation officer is not part of my life.

It will soon be four years since I was released - coincidentally the same about of time I served. For the the most part, things are very good, but there are also times that I think I will never feel free.

It has been four years this coming March, and I am still on the proverbial leash.

I have come to believe that though I am still on paper, freedom is sense of being, there are things I cannot do, and if the I do they can lock me up again, so be it, if they do.

Last April, I was picked up during a War Protest and but for the grace of God I would have been sent back, just for that.

Well, I am going to do what I am going to do regardless of the consequences, whether in prison or home I am the one that has to live with my conscience, not the state.

Do I want to go back - no - am I afraid that I will: yes. But then again I know in my heart that whether off or on paper like any other convicted felon I will never truly feel free again, but then again felon or not are any of us truly free in this country anymore?

I am again attending war protests------

So, what will be, will be.

Patti

my friend will be getting out after 17 yrs, I am looking for a couple of things...like articles to help me understand where he's been and how to help him. And also for articles i could send to him to let him know what to expect, and how to "survive" on the outside.

I served five years in state and federal prison. When I was released to go to the Halfway house (still the BOP) they dropped me off at the bus station and said I had eight hours to report. Despite the fact that it was the "bus ride from hell" with everything that could go wrong, well, going wrong. Including a flat tire in the middle of Iowa that took 5 hours to repair. Needless to say I didn't make my deadline but it was all provable, so not a problem. My transition back into the community was relatively easy. However, it was strange. Nothing really changed, but I had. The experience either makes us better or worse. I personally took advantage of the time, went to school and got accepted to the University of Nebraska when I was finally free. College is actually a nice place to transition into, if your family members have that option available. The routine of college life is much like the routine of prison. There is a lot of good information in previous posts. I started a reintegration program here in Lincoln a few months after I got out, we work with individuals making these transitions back into the community. The biggest problems I address are getting them into GOOD paying jobs that they are HAPPY with. This is the biggest obsticle (and this is another reason I push for higher education, puts time between release date and actual career start date, it also shows employees that ex-offenders can change, learn, and most important, can accomplish big things if they set their mind to it). We are never really finished with our sentence, we will always have to prove ourselves to somebody. And in my opinion this is a good way to do it. The next problem I see a lot is the housing situation, not a problem for some but there are alot of boundries that have been violated between ex-offenders and family members. I tell people I work with that it may be a long time before they will earn that trust back, and in some rare occations those bridges may never be repaired completely. Keep the faith and contiue to forge forward despite the road blocks that present themselves.
I recieve my BA in psychology in May, I had initially intended on persueing a career surrounding this population. But as fate would have it, I fell victom to capitalism and have since accepted a Manager Position in a constuction company (a door opened and I entered). Never pass up any oppurtunity when the other choice is uncertainty.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Winston Churchill

When you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
Winston Churchill

Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
Maurits Cornelis Escher

sorry about the multiple post, don't know what happened

Thanks for sharing that jc16291...very good advice! :)

It's been nearly 9 months since my release after serving two years. And the one thing I know for certain is this: freedom is a state of mind. Freedom is not a destination. It's what you feel, not what comes to you. I remember sitting day after day in the worst place on earth, surrounded by steel, cement blocks, chaos and depression. But some days, I felt more free IN prison that I feel/felt in the real world. But now? Somedays? I feel more in imprisoned than I did when I was IN prison.

You forget about the things that are going to stress you out and make you worry while you're in prison. What did you have to worry about in prison? Only what you perceive to be a problem in the real world. You might've worried about someone putting money on your books (or not), or whether your significant other (if you had one) would cheat on you, what you were missing out on.

But you probably weren't stressing about a square meal... rent being due... utilities... finding a job... how to get across town without a car... things that you don't have to worry about in prison. So when you get back in the real world... yes, it takes time to feel 'free'. But you know what? I'd rather stress about paying a bill or finding a job or sitting in traffic or whatever than I would have someone tell me what to do 24/7. And to me, having a choice whether good, bad or indifferent? That's freedom.

This is my favorite quote that I carried with me my entire incarceration, and to this day, it is written on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker:

Make your heart you kingdom, otherwise the world will be your prison.

Take care, and peace be with everyone inside and out.

My husband said he started to feel free on the day he was released. His parents picked him up and they stopped at a store. He then asked them for permission to go to the bathroom, he was 42 at the time, and his dad said "Well can you? You're big boy you can decided if you want to go or not, you do not have to ask permission anymore".

For me it was a little different. It was probably a good week before I started to feel free and it had everything to do with bad weather. It had started raining and my husband and I walked out into it. It was night, pitch black and the rain drops were silver from the reflection of light. It was standing there in that glorious rain in the middle of the night that started it for me. I still get out in the rain any chance I get, that is my reaffirmation that no matter how hard it gets, I am free, I have a loving God and a loving family.

LSWesterman, thank you for posting too this thread.

The rain - that is when I am truly free.

I just read my older post to this thread.

I am still not home in my beloved San Francisco - home - but that time will come and soon.

I still participate in war protests though it is a no-no - I will not give up my principles.

Freedom as I said in my first post to this thread was and is still very much a state of mind and heart.

This part of my first post here says it all: "However, though there are limitations that I have to deal with, the thought that I can now walk the 30 yards to my beloved beach and sit there and enjoy life and the freedom of taking that walk, that is when my spirit sours and I know I am home and free."


In a few minutes Linda and I will walk in the rain the mile to where we keep our boat. And after a while we will be out on the Chesapeake Bay, in the wind and the rain. My heart will skip a beat as the boat buries her bow into the seas and the wind sings in the rigging and though shortened our sails will fill with the song of the wind and sea - the spray will cleanse our faces as we race into the Atlantic - that is when I am free.

Memories of earlier sails kept my spirit alive in prison - and sailing refreshes my spirit now.

I have finally come to the realization that though I am still on paper - I am free where it truly counts.

Patti

over 13 to be exact. and "god" isnt here. the mdoc isnt here except waiting in the wings to slap the cuffs back on. no family support, nothing but me.

Im determined. Im motivated. I am NOT a drug addict or alcoholic. I do NOT engage in ANY criminal behavior.

Sounds pretty good? only to a short timer. I wasnt prepared for all this. I never thought I would have confidence problems, or fear-when I didnt feel those inside. I never thought jealousy would EVER be an issue with me, and it is. I never thought I would feel "less then" and I do.

Dont have anything positive to add here except all this shiny good stuff isnt reality. no-one is here for you but you. know that. believe that. and figure out how to deal with it. pto is a good start i think. but then again....i thought i would be ok once i got out so what the hell do i know?

Hi erinmichaels,
I've read a couple of your posts now and I feel like i need to say something to you, but I don't know that there is anything to say. I was a short termer, only served 3 years and have been out for 9 years now. I still come to PTO because of how much they helped me, because I have a great friend who still has 8 years left to serve, and because my past will always be a part of who I am.
I really don't know what to say to you to help. I don't know that anyone has the answers you're looking for. It's not easy... it's not a walk in the park... it's not all peaches and cream because you're no longer fenced in. Life is hard once you're out, period! There's no way around that! I only served three years and can remember days after getting out that I just wanted to go back because I 'knew' the prison. Because I 'knew' how to get by in there. Because life would be easier without all the new challenges of adopting back into society.
It is each person's decision wether or not they make it once released. You're right, PTO is a great start. Don't look for 'god' to make it all better over night... just know that it will get better in time. I'm sure my words are empty to you right now because you're angry... but assure you... with persistence and determination, it will get better.
There are alot of great, caring people here... utilize them.

How long does it take to feel free? This is an excellent question and many of these responses have been great.

As a guy who has been out since 2001, and at the moment I write this, it is near Christmas, it is worth reflecting. Do I feel free?

Well, knowing and feeling are two different points of view, so there is no question that I know I am free...the fact that I am sitting in front of my computer typing, and that I have the freedom to write my prison blogs on my computer in my house on my time means I am free.

But do I FEEL free.......

Free to do what?

Free to get a good job? Not really. I lost jobs because of the dreaded background check. I had minimum wage jobs and lesser paying jobs even though I am a college grad...not worth much if you are an ex felon.

Free to vote? Not really. In my state ex felons can't vote, and the process to register for the rights are so complicated and intrusive that I am not encouraged to do it. I have heard that our state governement is talking about giving that right back to inmates...but I dare not hold my breath.

Free to pursue the American Dream? Well, in the truest essence, yes, I do have that freedom. But the essesnce is conditional to freedom of prejudice. Let's face it, an ex felon is not going to get favor for anything if compared to an average citizen.

Even now, about 7 years after my release, I KNOW I am free, but at times I don't feel like I have the freedom to pursue my goals and dreams. Sure, I can stop typing right now, go outside and walk to the nearest mall and buy a Christmas CD. That is freedom.

But as an ex felon I have a hard time marketing my prison books and cards, because ironically, I am an ex felon. Get that, I supposed if I had never gone to prison, I could write a best seller on prisons.

I think many guys who get out of prison will have to look at the deepest parts of "freedom" and see what it really means to them. I think I wrote a post or something on my prison blog about the percentage of my freedom, and I think I said like 3%. That meant that I felt 97% free, 3% incarcerated.

That was about 2 or 3 years ago. If you asked me today, I would say about 99% free, 1% incarcerated. Or let me change that last word. Incarcerated is not the right word, because I know without a doubt I am not in prison. That is obvious.

Perhaps the better word is condemned.

As an ex felon, I have had my share of problems after I got out, many of which I have blogged about. And sure, there were many days where I felt that things were getting better and I was "turning that corner". But many times I seem to be reminded that no matter what I do, I will always be remembered for the negative, not the positive.

I learned that unfortunately working for a Christian radio station... in fact two of them. It is interesting that we like to say that a man (or woman) should always be judged on the content of their character, but most times we don't do that.

We judge on appearance and sin. Ex felons have a hard time trying to prove themselves when people look to judge them only by their record. It reminds me of someone who thought it would be a great idea if there was a list of businesses owned by ex felons, so we could support them.

Nice idea, but it would be suicide for the owners.

Although the idea sounds sincere, it would be quickly abused by people who would make sure that others know about businesses owned by "criminals", rather than ex felons. If I had a clothing store and my community knew I was an ex felon...I'd be out of business in less than 6 months. And that does not include the hell my own town would put on me by city officials making it harder for the ex felon.

It is the reason why started writing prison books and making prison cards and the like. You know I am an ex felon, and what I write is about that. I think you have to carve your own place and find a way to fit in.

By doing that, I then begin to feel free, because I have an opportunity to make things happen, rather than being blown from here or there based on what someone thought of me. I can't change that with my books, but I also don't expect a person with no sympathy to inmates to read my stuff anyway.

So do I feel free...I suppose overall I do. Even after several years, I know I am free, but it may be many more years before I really, REALLY feel that freedom that all citizens should have...I AM a citizen now, even though I am an ex felon.

Maybe it's gonna take years before society realizes that.

Forever, I guess.

Maybe it's just me, but when it's at work, or at a meeting somewhere, or at church, whatever, when something is discovered to be stolen, vandalized, drugs found, then I feel guilty. Freedom, how it was before going inside, has yet to happen and it's been nine years since being out.

Aw, screw it. Boo hoo. Poor me. I did it. I got caught. and, this is the sentence. deal with it or chug kool-aid.

As I sit here and reread my old post and those of others, I am reflecting on the last 10 months. It's been 10 months since my release and I realize that it all has been a struggle. I remember when I signed for my sentence, I thought thank God, I'll do my time, won't have anymore paper and I can get on with my life. For the thirteen years before I served my time, I was either on paper or on the run and for those thirteen years I was subject to the whims of those around me. It was either do what they say or they would "turn me in". That was the threat I dealt with from my ex-husband, my mother and just in general from my whole family. What is sad, is I was in a abusive relationship and I took my boys and ran after coming home from work and discovering a hand shaped bruise forming on my sons' face. For two years I ran, worked and raised my sons. I was finally picked up when my ex found me and I refused to come back. I lost my sons by default because I was incarcerated at the time. When I was released, I was not allowed to be anywhere near my sons because I am an "ex-felon". These last ten months, I have spent building my own business ( I can not get a job because I am an ex felon), It looks like I'll be getting custody of my sons because my 16 year old wants to be with me and had the nerve to testify in court about how his father has treated him and his brother all of their lives. In essence, in a lot of ways I'll always pay for what I did when I was 20 years old, and for me that's ok. I'll always be an ex felon...that was a choice I made when I made the decision to committ the crime that I committed. Yes, I can vote and I always tell people about myself when I meet them, that way there is no surprises. Either you like me or you don't, that's not my problem...that's theirs. What it boils down to is this....Yes, I am free. I am free to live my life without being threatened by others. I am free to be pulled over for speeding without worrying that I am going to go to jail for a warrant. I am free to keep on working on my business (which is starting to do really well), I am free to be a mom, wife and friend. But most of all, I am free to be me. That, to me, is true freedom.

May God keep and bless each and everyone of you.

I was released on January 7th 2005, I am on 5 years of Supervised Release. I guess the one thing to remember is that you are not free. When I met with my probation officer on the 7th, I had the attitude to just send me back until I have completed my obligation of hell to United States. Yes I am a federal Felon with not alot to gain these days. I am a white collar criminal, as if that matters, as I tried to look for work I' ve been told that I am to big of a risk and most of the people I know will not even talk to me. My family is good but no employment and real purpose. Iam hoping that it will all end and a sense of freedom will come the day a probation officer is not part of my life.

I asked him if my reporting schedual can be lightened up since I have been out a little over 6 months and have been doing good. He told me that I am under "maximum" supervision due to the nature of my crime and the length of time I served. So, I am still doing time, even out here. Just in the best prison I´ve ever known. Thats the way I see it, dont want to get too comfortable until its over with. Too easy to forget that I have, through my actions 14 years ago, gave the state power and control over me and my life.

I dont know if I will ever truely feel "free". All I know is that however I feel........its better than I felt inside.

I hope you and everyone else on here, myself include, somehow/someway gets off paper and feels however THAT feels. And if THAT doesnt feel "free", then it is what it is. Just live without the wondering. Just live.

Aw, screw it. Boo hoo. Poor me. I did it. I got caught. and, this is the sentence. deal with it or chug kool-aid.

I like your attitude!!!!!:D

No one ever feels free after a stint inside. That is what sets us apart from the balance of mankind. We know, in a very personal way, just how disgusting people can become (and yes, how fascistic) when they're scared.

People are afraid of ex-cons. The question is what, if anything, can we do to allay their fears.

Probably not much. (Too) many of us just keep committing outrages, generating bad press, making the hair stand up on people's necks.

Drop as far out of sight as you can, don't break any more laws, be a good citizen.

Hell, I've been out of jail 9 and 1/2 years and I still don't feel free.

i have been out a few weeks and i don't feel free at all. I just keep panicking that if i leave my house and go to work and stuff then i'm not going to be coming back. I'm also really bad with crossing roads... don't know if that's just me or not???