OKAY, I KNOW I AM NEW AT THIS BUT SOMEONE PLEASEEEEEEE EXPLAIN TO ME ABOUT THIS MAIL ROLER COASTER RIDE!!
SO FAR THIS WEEK I HAVE CRIED , LAUGHED, CRIED AND SO ON. FRIDAY'S LETTER MADE ME CRY AND GET SO PISSED IT TOOK ME 3 TRIES TO ANSWER IT, SATURDAYS LETTER LIFTED MY HEART AND TODAYS LETTER CRUSHED ME AGAIN! ONE MINUTE HE SIGNS THEM I LOVE YOU THE NEXT IT'S PEACE AND LOVE. ONE MINUTE IT'S IF YOU MEET SOMEONE YOU WANT, GO FOR IT, THE NEXT IS I WANT YOU TO BE THE ONE I SEE WHEN I GET OUT? ONE MINUTE, I HAVE 2 MORE YEARS DOWN, GO WITH YOUR HEART , THE NEXT LINE IS I AM SO EXCITED AT GETTING TO SEE YOU , BUT HAVING NO VISITORS DOESNT BOTHER ME EITHER???? SOMEONE PLEASE, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU GO THROUGH THIS EMOTIONAL MAIL HELL, PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME? WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD? I NEED TO GET STABLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE I GO SEE HIM IN 2 WEEKS. I AM TAKING OUR 5 YEAR OLD SON TO FINALLY MEET HIM , NOT AN IDEAL PLACE BUT AT LEAST MY SON WILL FINALLY MEET HIS " DAD".I DONT KNOW HOW TO ACT WHEN I GET THERE BECAUSE OF THIS MAIL AND I DONT WANT TO HARP ON IT IN THE MAIL AND STRESS HIM OUT, I KNOW IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO TIME, I DONT WANT TO ADD TO HIS STRESS. HE DOESNT MUCH LIKE DRAMA.....:confused:

Basically, he is telling you that he loves you to bits, but, he knows he is inside and he is a very aware that you are out in the free world and come into contact with other guys, so, he is wanting you to wait for him, but, preparing himself for the fact that you may not. He is saying that he has no visitors, so you are going to be the event of the year for him, but if you don't visit, then that is how it is for him normally. He want to see you woman!But is afraid you won't wait and he is scared and excited and afraid to lose you.
Is this your first visit? If it is, then I personally wouldn't take my son with me. I would wait until I had met him on my own and take my little boy the next time. Maybe you have already told your son you are taking him? If not, better to hold off. First visits are a bit traumatic. Goint into a prison can be very scary and emotionally draining. When you take your 5 year old, you will at least know what to expect then.Hope you have a wonderful visit. Let us know how it went okay?

I know what you are talking about... My man does the same... :( But I had to learn to deal with it... He sometimes thinks that I deserve someone better than hime.. Yeah, sure... duh! Whenever he writes me a letter telling me to forget about him or something like that I write him a letter full of I love you's and I miss you's and it works! I guess they just need a lot of reassurance. They are locked up and have all the time of the world to think...
Hang in there girl!

Take care,
Anja

To agree with Jude and Anja - the guys have a lot of time where all they can do is think, brood and trade 'horror stories' of guys whose partners have left them 'cause they're doing time. Sounds very much like he loves you but appreciates you're out in the world and would love you to wait for him but wants it to be your choice not something you feel you have to do.

There are some similar posts in the 'lifers' forum - seems to happen quite a bit...

Lately I just cry... I have not gotten anything from my jesse in a month

Jesse's Girl sorry hun. :) I know how hard it is when you are waiting for mail! Stay strong........... ;)

Now PSMITH, he is the one that is being bi-polar. I know you want a good visit. He is the one that needs to settle down. I don't know what gets into them. You already have enough to deal with out here. Maybe you can just ask him how can you help....right now is there anyway you can assure him of your support & love. See if that calms him down a bit.

My husband has been acting flaky for a long time. I love him very much. Spoil him. Take excellent care of him. I am very loyal. Extremely faithful. Does he care? No. Can't see past his own world....that he says I don't understand!

Take care of you first and your child. You are the one who helps your man. You have got to stay well to try for some happiness in this life. For you and your child. Then you will still be able to be there for your man. And you will not become resentful. As I have become toward mine. I hope things settle down. Soon. ;)

I have enough pen pals that i get a few letters each week, but I know when the box is empty I sometimes just feel lonsome. They are all just friends, but I guess i'm used to getting those letters like I get phone calls from my friends each day.

HANG IN!! It does settle down. He and you both need the reassurance of love and support, and sometimes in there, it is hard for him to see past his life...They want for our happiness, and that sometimes makes them stir crazy and they say all kinds of stuff.
I don't get a ton of mail, cuz may man is not a big writer, but when i do, he makes me laugh, cry, scream, and holler, all in the same letter. I love him without conditions and sometimes i just have to let it roll of my back or it eats me up.
As for the visit thing, someone said go by yourself the first time....I totally agree. You need to see him and be with him and get that reassurance that he is OK....If he is in a funky space seeing you will snap him out of it, and the next time i would bring your son. It is important for all of you to cherish the time together.....It means everything to all of you....and once you see him, all that worry and doubt will feel like it never existed...
Good Luck, and Stay Strong...

Brooks has done the same thing... the if you find someone else I would understand - then next sentence - do you think you can wait for me? Reality is - they are just as confused as we are... I mean think about it - out here - we have everyone questioning why we stand by our men, and all the "statistics" telling us they will never change - they will go right back in shortly after being out, they are using us, blah blah blah.... And I think everyone has had the sneaky feeling of... what if everyone is right and I am a fool and blinded by love... Well on the inside - they have everyone telling them - oh she'll leave you, it never works out - she'll feed you this line and when you get out she will have moved on - yada yada yada. What I had to do is to politely take what is told to me and file it away - to ignore it is stupid - however, I also weighed what I knew about him, what I felt, and what I believed. Words are one thing - actions are another. I am showing him by my daily letters, being there for phone calls, and busting my butt to go see him two states away that I mean what I say. The roller coaster sucks... but you have to figure out where you stand before hand and do so with all your might... doing so will start to ease his mind. I wrote him the words to the song Surrender by Natalie Merchant (??)....

I will go down with this ship, and I won't raise my hands above my head and surrender... There will be no white flag above my door..... I'm in love - and always will be....

Hang in there....