Is there a difference between the two? I have learned through my experiences that there is for me. My son has had behavior issues for years. Behavior that stems from the root. (theres always a root) Im still not sure of what the main root is but he is a very angry child. Angry inside and no understanding on why so he acts out with his behavior. He is getting older now and more in control of his actions but what is it that we do to help/hurt them? I know that there are chemical inbalances and such but do you suppose the child who just acts out, with no target inbalance medically, is capable of finding his/her own root issue? Are we in denial sometimes as parents?
Your thoughts??

from my experiences,with my boys, which have a lot of anger inside, try and get them to talk about the anger, as much as you can, with me my boys really didn't open up, now they are adults and still have that anger, acting out is really a way of asking for help.But they are usually in denial, as well as us as parnets ( I think)
something had to start the anger in childhood, and believe me no matter what you should have could have or did it was something that could not have been prevented. As for me I think I could have been a better mother, even though at the time I thought I was doing the best I could have. I was a single parent , in return my one son all ways wanted a relationship with his father ( like a father and son) I never stopped him from seeing him, it was his father that just didn't get it. Not to blame him but I could not for fill that father relationship. I did get remarried, and that was not what he needed either, it was some very hard times. My advise would be to see if you could get them to anger mangerment classes, or maybe he does need medication for this to help in everyday life . My one son when he gets real down and sometimes he drinks he has called me up at 2 in the morning and just went off on how it is all my fault he is like this and can't be happy, i just listen if nothing else he is venting and i feel that is good, even though it hurts. He is a single father now and I can see sometimes his anger comes out, He is now on meds, and there is nothing mentaly wrong with him, but he needs to be able to handle things in a different way without his inside anger taking over. last Nov he tried to hang himself, his girlfriend found him just in time, and I believe that was a wake up call for him to see he needed help. That night he was at my house for a while and was is a really good mood, laughing and just having fun, went home and the next thing I was over there and fthen at the hospital , I don't know if this is something you are going thru , but I wish you the best of luck, I pray ever night that he can find happiness within himself. ** Sorry for such a long story but I do believe that parents are in denial, even the person that has the anger as well . best of luck to you and your.

Angel, I'm going to answer this from my OWN experiences with my anger issues as a child which provoked my behavior. I'm not saying this is true for ALL teens or children, but in my case it is. I also did NOT understand my underlying issues with the rage that burned inside me when I was young. It wasn't until I was grown and underwent extensive therapy that I came to terms with it. My issues started with my mother, who by all means should have NEVER had children. She was VERY mean to me as a child and took us kids away from my dad when I was 3. At the time I could not comprehend why. I can remember feeling and thinking at 7 yrs old "Why am I here on this Earth" And why would God allow me to go thru such horrible torture? I wanted to die. I HATED life. I loved my Mom so much and I couldn't understand WHY she hated me so much. I had severe ANGER and rage. Because of abuse, lack of love and NOT understanding. I lashed out BECAUSE I had no other way to be heard. It truly is a cry for help. I didn't mean to be a bad Kid. I fealt misunderstood, misguded and was BLAMED for all my behavior. Cus you know as parents we say to our kids "you should know better" but what US kids are thinking at the time and feeling at the time rationalizes our behavior in OUR minds. Kids don't see the consequences as us adults do. Kids react on emotion and fear. Anger, is a cover emotion to fear and sadness. Uderneath ALL that anger is hurt, pain, and fear. NOBODY saw that when I was a kid. :( So I lashed out even more. I fealt extreme guilt over my actions, which ONLY caused more anger and more lashing out. WHen I finally faced my own demons, I finally started to understand and was able to turn my own life around.

Stacy

Thank you both for writing and heres my thing...My son has underlying issues that stem from what I believe to be his father. His father is "the perfect one" or so he thinks he is. My son respects him and would do anything for him. I dont want to detour him from his father but I think his father keeps bringing him down further and further. Meanwhile, his brother now old enough too seems to be wanting the same attention from is dad. Dad refuses to share this with them. Every time they go to his house he is full of lectures about how they can do better. Even if they have shown all Bs on a report card and struggled to get that, he expects better. Now, he is not a violent person at all. What the kids lack is his attention in general and positive reinforcement. I cant count the number of times they came home from his house and I would ask what they did and their response would be, Nothing, dad slept all day or Did you guys play any games...no we had to be quiet so dad didnt wake up.
Now, I have had my children all my life and he, well he takes them every other weekend. NEVER more. Never for a week to camp or just hang out. Never for two weeks in a row so they can join in on the birthday party going on. Never one extra day NEVER does he call just to say hi.
We are civil with eachother and have been up until this point. I just decided to let him start doing some of the leg work because I am the one who made sure they went over to his house all the time. Well since my son is stuck at home on tether and has been for three weeks now, I am pretty busy running him to program and school board meetings etc. HE HASNT CALLED ONCE SINCE HE HAS BEEN HOME!
Where do I draw the line on what I do for the father? When is it really time for him to step up to the plate? I dont even think he realizes what he is doing to this boy or the other one when he doesnt even call. Im just so frusterated with it all and I have to contintue to do the soul searching and encourageing and telling my boys that "your dad loves you, he is just busy is all" I stopped doing it because I think its doing more damage than good. Id rather them know the truth. The roots I believe start there and I cant get through to him that he need to be active in their lives. Am I wrong??
Im not saying I am perfect, but I did raise all my children well. I made sure they were provided everything PLUS. Meanwhile, all that stuff means nothing to them because Dad is not there. WOW...were all long winded LOL

Angel, your sons behavior is actually pretty normal considering what you just explained about their dad. They are trying so hard to figure out a way to get dads attention and at the same time try to understand WHY Dad doesn't do more for him. OF course right now YOU are the bad guy, BECAUSE you have rules and guidelines they must follow. HOWEVER, Dad seems to just not care and right now in there young lives they NEED dad to care. So they go to ALL lengths to show Dad how much they LOVE him in hopes he'll respond. In time Angel, your boys will see their father for who he REALLY is and also see you for the WONDERFUL mother you are. They will turn their oppinions around and THANK you for your continued efforts to keep them on the right track. Someday, those boys won't give a rats ass about Dad, and Dad will have to face those consequences. This won't happen until they are grown and venture out into this world on their own and learn what LIFE is really all about. Once they are parents themselves, they will then see that Dad really isn't all that wonderful. You hang in there and continue to fight for that boy. He's a very intelligent and intellectual individual. He'll straighten up, I have faith.

((((HUGS))))

Stacy

angeltob,
I think you are doing the right thing,but don't make excuses for their father, with my children the youngest doesn't even care about his father, or at least he doen't show it, He really does, however he doesn't care what he thinks.him and my husband is kinda of close, but no mater what you can't replace that father son bond. On the other hand my oldest the one like your's that all wanted to be told he did something right in his fathers eyes, still at 27 it really upsets him. His father has not done a thing for him, and why he keeps hanging on to that father thing i will not understand, i don't know how old your children are, but maybe take the back seat for a while and let them pick if they want to go see him, don't push it , I did make sure when boys were small they went to see there dad I even drove them to WI and pick them up so they could spend time and hoping they could have a relationship - it did not work, and now at times my oldest said I should never did that. So who knows what I know my boys love me, but all so everything is my fault, I would give anything for my boys to look forward and not behind, I am very proud of them they both have a children - my oldest has custoy of his son, and youset he is still with her mom, but not married but does everything with and for her, he has her 4 days a week. anyway this is a good thread i seem to vent a lot sorry. hope it helps you just hang in there like someone told me your mistake of yesterday may not be a mistake, it could be a lesson learned, you do the best you can at the time, and learned from it - good luck - stay strong

Stacy and Cubfan, You guys are great! You know, there are times I just want to totally go off and spit in the face of the man my children want to be like. I hope and pray that they at least see that he is not a good role model for them. He does just fine with the ones he lives with though. (or so I hear from my boys) My boys are 14 and 12. I also have an 8 year old boy too. The youngest of which has been blessed with his father each and every day. I see through my children the differences between living a "single parent" life and having both parents in the house. My little one is structured within himself. Its not to say he wont have issues later on but he is such a little man. He has common sense that the two older ones sometimes dont have together. I believe that the link is in both parents being there the whole time. (roots)
I do believe I have done my very best and I still do. I am in no way going to belittle myself because I am proud of all my work and my children. However, mentally what goes on with them must be a struggle and I try and keep sight of the fact that there is an absent parent in their lives. Its a good thing they have eachother. Now that my oldest is maturing in his thinking, he shares some tidbits here and there regarding dad. Never though does he tear dad apart. He only says things like "dont count on it" or "your better off asking stepdad" I know that they are hurting and it breaks my heart. I stick up for them sometimes when it comes to my hubby because I dont think he sees what they really need sometimes. Its crazy really...here I am, a helper of those who cant help themselves for a living, and I cant seem to get through to my own. I mean, I am trained for this kind of thing right? I just hope that they are not so hurt in the end up hating. Especially themselves. I remind them every day that they are good people and come from a good upbringing and how much they are loved. Now a days, I even tell them not to worry so much because they are getting everything they need right here. Cub, you said it right when you said when they are older and have children of their own is when they will see the errors. Meanwhile I pray that I dont ruin that for them with my "tough love" attitude. Im young yet but I do want to have grandchildren some day!! Thanks you guys! It really is great to vent. Heck, half of this here probably didnt make sense and here I am asking myself if I have gotten off subject. LOL (and they call me a leader!) go figure!

It takes a lot for children to actually come out and speak about what is bothering them. I know as a child I didn't feel that my parents understood me. I respected my mother so i didn't ever try and talk back to her, so when i was angry with her (which was often when she wouldn't let me do what i wanted to) I bottled it up. There is a root to the anger and i think if we could find out what that is with each individual child then we would be rich. Every child has his and her own issues that they are going through. The best thing is trying to breach that generation gap and talk with them. My mother and i could never talk, not until i grew up and realized she was more than a mother to me and she really did care, so i let her in, bit by bit, adn now i call her on the weekends and we are like best friends. I wish i could have talked to her sooner. So i don't know if any of this made any sense at all, but my best advice to all parents is to keep reaching out.


Peter