Here are some helpful items to get together when you are planning on leaving an abusive situation. Keep these items in a safe place until you are ready to leave, or if you need to leave suddenly. If you have children, take them. And take your pets too (if you can).


1. Identification for yourself and your children:

birth certificates
social security cards (or numbers written on paper if you can't find the cards);
driver's license;
photo identification or passports;
welfare identification;
green card
2. Important Personal Papers

marriage certificate;
divorce papers;
custody orders;
legal protection or restraining orders;
health insurance papers or medical cards;
medical records for all family members;
children's school records;
investment papers/records and account numbers;
work permits;
immigration papers;
rental agreement/lease or house deed;
car title, registration, and insurance information.
3. Funds

cash;
credit cards;
ATM cards;
checkbook and bank book (with deposit slips).
4. Keys

house;
car;
safety deposit box or post office box.
5. A way to communicate

phone calling card;
cell phone;
address book.
6. Medications

at least 1 month's supply for all medicines you and your children are taking, as well as a copy of the prescriptions.
7. A way to get by

jewelry or small objects you can sell, if you run out of money or stop having access to your accounts.
8. Things to help you cope

pictures;
keepsakes;
children's small toys and books.

These safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help to improve your safety situation.

Personal Safety With an Abuser

Identify your partner's use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs;
Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving;
Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and where there are always ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas;
Don't run to where the children are as your partner may hurt them as well;
If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target; dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined;
If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know the numbers to call for help; know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know your local battered women's shelter number. Don't be afraid to call the police;
Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help;
Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal them that they should get help or leave the house;
Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you nor they are at fault or cause the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to keep safe;
Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children;
Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan;
Keep weapons like guns or knives locked up and as inaccessible as possible;
Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver's door unlocked and others locked - for a quick escape;
Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you;
Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night. Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear.
Getting Ready to Leave

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures, etc.;
Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you;
If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit;
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them (for example, a room with a lock or a friend's house where they can go for help). Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not protect you;
Contact your local battered women's shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them in a crisis;
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made if possible;
Acquire job skills as you can, such as learning to type or taking courses at a community college;
Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

You may request a police stand-by or escort when you leave;
If you need to sneak away, be prepared;
Make a plan for how and where you will escape;
Plan for a quick escape;
Put aside emergency money as you can;
Hide an extra set of car keys;
Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using next-door neighbors, close family members or mutual friends;
Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items such as medications, bank information, etc.
After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

Get a restraining order and if the offender is leaving

Change locks and phone number;
Change work hours and route taken to work;
Change route taken to transport children to school;
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times;
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect;
Give copies of restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender;
Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
If you leave

Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail;
Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports;
Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number;
Change your work hours if possible;
Alert school authorities of situation;
Consider changing your children's schools;
Reschedule appointments that offender is aware of;
Use different stores and frequent different social spots;
Alert neighbors and request that they call police if they feel you may be in danger;
Talk to trusted people about the violence;
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible;
Install a lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to the house (motion sensitive lights);
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible;
Tell people who take care of your children which individuals are allowed to pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of your restraining order;
Call the telephone company to request Caller ID. Ask that your phone be blocked so that if you call, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Definition
Domestic violence constitutes the willful intimidation, assault, battery, sexual assault or other abusive behavior perpetrated by one family member, household member, or intimate partner against another. In most state laws addressing domestic violence, the relationship necessary for a charge of domestic assault or abuse generally includes a spouse, former spouse, persons currently residing together or those that have within the previous year, or persons who share a common child. In addition, as of 1997, a significant number of states have included dating relationships in their statutory definitions of domestic relationships.

Overview
Domestic violence has been present since the early days of recorded history, and was even sanctioned in English common law as late as the early twentieth century. The women’s movement in the 1970s, which brought to light the social plight of women and advocated for women’s rights, fostered a growing concern over the treatment of women in the home. In response to this increase in public consciousness, shelters and resources were established to provide assistance to victims of domestic violence. The first shelter for battered women was established in 1974. Since then, hundreds of shelters and domestic violence programs throughout the United States provide emotional, financial, vocational, and sometimes legal assistance and support to domestic violence survivors and their children.

Domestic violence affects not only those abused, but witnesses, family members, co-workers, friends, and the community at large. Children who witness domestic violence are victims themselves and growing up amidst violence predisposes them to a multitude of social and physical problems. Constant exposure to violence in the home and abusive role models teaches these children that violence is a normal way of life and places them at risk of becoming society’s next generation of victims and abusers.

Dynamics of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is about power and control. The abuser wants to dominate the victim/survivor and wants all the power in the relationship—and uses violence in order to establish and maintain authority and power. Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually not sick or deranged, but have learned abusive, manipulative techniques and behaviors that allow them to dominate and control others and obtain the responses they desire.
An abuser will often restrict a victim’s outlets, forbidding the victim to maintain outside employment, friends, and family ties. This has an isolating effect, leaving victims with no support system, and creating dependency. Abusers also limit a survivor’s options by not allowing access to checking accounts, credit cards or other sources of money or financial independence.

Perpetrators of domestic violence may constantly criticize, belittle and humiliate their partners. Causing the victim to feel worthless, ugly, stupid and crazy does not allow for a survivor’s healthy self-perception. Low self-esteem may contribute to victims feeling they deserve the abuse, affecting their ability to see themselves as worthy of better treatment.

Reactions of Domestic Violence Victims
Domestic violence victims are often exposed repeatedly to threats, violence, intimidation, and physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Constant, repeated exposure to violence has a profound effect on a victim’s daily activities and functioning, thinking, interpersonal relationships, and sense of self. Some victims, because of the chronic nature of the violence, may develop Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, a mental health disorder characterized by flashbacks, significant anxiety, depression and fatigue.
Other reactions a domestic violence survivor may experience include:


Fear;
Nightmares and sleep disturbances;
Anxiety;
Anger;
Difficulty concentrating;
Depression;
Low self-esteem;
Shame and embarrassment;
Chronic physical complaints;
Substance abuse;
Social withdrawal;
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness;
Self-blame;
Numbness; and
Hypervigilence (inability to relax, jumpiness)

Domestic violence victims will often blame their own behavior, rather than the violent actions of the abuser. Victims may try continually to alter their behavior and circumstances in order to please the abuser—believing that if they follow certain rules and make sure the abuser is happy—they will not be hurt. However, violence perpetrated by abusers is often self-driven and depends little on victims’ actions or words.

Domestic violence victims may minimize the seriousness of incidents in order to cope, and not seek medical attention or assistance when needed. Victims, because they fear the perpetrator and may be ashamed of their situation, may be reluctant to disclose the abuse to family, friends, work, the authorities, or victim assistance professionals. As a consequence, they may suffer in silence and isolation.

Perpetrators of Domestic Violence
There is no typical domestic violence perpetrator, but psychologists have identified some common characteristics. Many abusers suffer from low self-esteem, and their sense of self and identity is tied to their partner. Therefore, if abusers feel they are somehow losing the victim, either through separation, divorce, emotional detachment, or pregnancy (fearing victims will replace love for them with love for a child), they will lash out. If victims "leave" through any of these methods, abusers feel they are losing power, control, and their self-identity. This is why it is particularly dangerous for victims during periods of separation or divorce from their partner. Abusers will often do anything to maintain control and keep the victim under control. This dynamic also makes escalating violence inevitable, as many victims must become emotionally unavailable, or must physically leave, in order to survive.
While the public may think of domestic violence abusers as out of control, crazy, and unpredictable, the contrary is most often true. Use of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse intermingled with periods of respite, love, and happiness are deliberate coercive tools used to generate submission. Abusers may violently assault, then minutes later offer words of regret. Many will buy gifts of flowers, candy and other presents in order to win favor and forgiveness. This creates a very confusing environment for victims. Abusers may say they will never harm their partners again, and promise to obtain help or counseling. Often, these promises are only made to prevent victims from leaving. Without getting help, the violence will most likely recur.

The violence used by abusers is controlled and manipulative. Victims often can predict exactly when violence will erupt. Many law enforcement officers have commented on their surprise at finding significant evidence of a violent incident, a harmed victim, and a composed perpetrator casually speaking with officers as if nothing occurred.

Finally, many victims describe domestic violence perpetrators as having a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality. Abusers often experience dramatic mood swings of highs and lows. They may be loving one minute, and spiteful and cruel the next. Abusers are frequently characterized by those outside the home as generous, caring, and good, and behave drastically differently in their home environment. Perpetrators of domestic violence are rarely violent to those outside of their domicile.

Why Victims May Stay
Very few individuals would become involved in a relationship they knew to be violent. Domestic violence has subtle origins. What starts out as love, courtship and concern, may turn into domination, forced adherence to rigid sex roles and obsessive jealousy. Victims are not masochists. They do not enjoy being hurt, abused, battered and controlled. Victims may stay with someone who is abusing them for various reasons which include:

Fear of the abuser;
Love;
Threats to harm the victim, loved ones or pets;
Threats of suicide;
Believing the abuser will take their children;
Religious reasons;
Believing the abuser will change;
Self-blame;
Limited financial options;
Believing that violence is normal;
Believing in the sanctity of marriage and the family;
Limited housing options;
Blaming the abuse on alcohol, financial pressures, or other outside factors;
Low self-esteem;
Fear of the unknown, of change;
Isolation;
Embarrassment and shame;
Believing no one can help;
Cultural beliefs;
Denial; and
Pressure from friends and family to stay.
Suggestions for Domestic Violence Survivors

Contact a local domestic violence program. These programs are in many communities around the country and can provide: counseling and support groups; information about legal options, the criminal justice system, and social services; shelter; attorney referrals; vocational counseling; safety planning; and case advocacy. Programs will assist victims regardless of their decision to stay in, or leave, the relationship.
Create a comprehensive safety plan. With assistance from a victim service professional, victims should create an individualized plan for safety in all situations, including a checklist of necessary items to take when leaving an abusive situation.
Consider legal options. In every state, domestic violence is a crime. For information on criminal penalties for abusers, and protections for victims through the criminal justice system, victims should contact local law enforcement or prosecutor’s office. Reporting domestic violence incidents may raise safety concerns, so this option should be discussed with a victim service professional. Whether victims choose to report, it may be helpful to document evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, witness statements, tape recordings), to be used in criminal proceedings, or in custody or divorce hearings. Every state also has a process for obtaining civil protective orders (also known as no contact orders, or restraining orders) that prohibit contact between an abuser and a victim. For more information on civil protective orders, victims should contact a local domestic violence program.
If Someone You Know Is Involved in an Abusive Relationship

Become involved. Advise victims of ways you can help (i.e., providing housing, money, child care, etc.). Help victims locate shelter and resources. Offer to call attorneys or make appointments with social service agencies. Provide transportation to the appointments and support throughout the decision-making process. If you hear a violent incident occurring, call the police.
Demonstrate concern. Tell victims the abuse is not their fault. Let them know you are afraid for their welfare and the welfare of their children. Many victims may not be able to see the harm violence does to their family until someone outside the family voices their concern. Hearing that others see the effects of violence on the children will often prompt victims to seek assistance.
Provide support and encouragement. Victims should hear from friends and family that they are worth better treatment and deserve to be loved. Supportive positive messages may enable victims to find the strength within themselves to escape the violence. Understand if victims are reluctant to leave: staying may be a survival strategy. Let victims know you are willing to help when they are ready to ask for assistance.

If you find yourself or someone you know a victim of domestic violence, please contact any of the agencies listed below. They will help!

Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 4762
Montgomery, AL 36101
Phone: 334-832-4842
FAX: 334-832-4803
http://www.acadv.org (http://www.acadv.org/)

Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
130 Seward, Suite 209
Juneau, Alaska 99801
(907) 586-3650
http://www.andvsa.org (http://www.andvsa.org/)

Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
100 West Camelback Street, Suite 109
Phoenix, AZ 85013
Phone: 602-279-2900
FAX: 602-279-2980
www.azacadv.org (http://www.azacadv.org/)

Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence
#1 Sheriff Lane, Suite C
North Little Rock, AR 72114
Phone: 501-812-0571
FAX: 501-812-0578

California Alliance Against Domestic Violence
926 J Street, Suite 1000
Sacramento CA 95814
Telephone 916-444-7163 or 800-524-4765
Fax 916-444-7165
e-mail caadv@cwo.com (caadv@cwo.com)
http://www.caadv.org (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/links/caadvd.htm)

California Alliance Against Domestic Violence - Southern Office
8929 S. Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 520
Los Angeles CA 90045-3605
Telephone 310-649-2479
Fax 310-649-3953

Statewide California Coalition for Battered Women (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/links/sccbwd.htm)
3711 Long Beach Blvd., #718
Long Beach, CA 90807
Telephone: 562/981-1202
Fax: 981-3202
Toll-free: 888/722-2952
e-mail: sccbw@sccbw.org (sccbw@sccbw.org)

Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 18902 Denver, CO 80218
Phone: 303-831-9632
FAX: 303-832-7067

Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence
106 Pitken Street
East Hartford, CT 06108
860-282-7899
FAX: 860-282-7892
800-281-1481 (In State)
888-774-2900 (In State Hotline)

D. C. Coalition Against Domestic Violence
513 U Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
202-387-5630 (phone)
202-387-5684 (fax)
dccadv@aol.com (dccadv@aol.com) (email)

Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence
100 West 10th Street, Suite 703
Wilmington, DE 19801
Phone: 302-658-2958
FAX: 302-658-5049

Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence
308 E. Park Avenue
Tallahassee, FL 32301
(850) 425-2749
Fax: (850) 425-3091
TDD: (850) 621-4202
In-state: 800-500-1119

Georgia Coalition on Family Violence
3420 Norman Berry Drive Suite 280
Atlanta, GA 30354
Phone: 404-209-0280
FAX: 404-766-3800
800-334-2836 (In State Hotline)

Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
98-939 Moanalua Road
Aiea, HI 96701-5012
Phone: 808-486-5072
FAX: 808-486-5169

Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
815 Park Blvd., Suite 140
Boise, ID 83712
Phone: 208-384-0419
FAX: 208-331-0687
E-mail: domvio@micron.net (domvio@micron.net)

Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence
801 S. 11th St.
Springfield, IL 62703
Phone: 217-789-2830
FAX: 217-789-1939
http://www.ilcadv.org (http://www.ilcadv.org/)

Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2511 E. 46th Street, Suite N-3
Indianapolis, IN 46205
TOLL-FREE: 800-332-7385
Phone: 317-543-3908
FAX: 317-377-7050
http://www.violenceresource.org (http://www.violenceresource.org/)

Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence
2603 Bell Avenue, Suite 100
Des Moines, IA 50321
Phone: 515-244-8028
FAX: 515-244-7417
In-State Hotline (Not part of the Coalition) 800-942-0333
http://www.icadv.org (http://www.icadv.org/)

Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
220 SW 33rd Street, Suite 100
Topeka, KS 66611
Phone: 785-232-9784
FAX: 785-266-1874
http://www.kcsdv.org (http://www.kcsdv.org/)

Kentucky Domestic Violence Association
P.O. Box 356
Frankfort, KY 40602
Phone: 502-695-2444
FAX: 502-695-2488
http://www.kdva.org (http://www.kdva.org/)

Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 77308
Baton Rouge, LA 70879
Phone: 222-752-1296
FAX: 222-751-8927
http://www.lcadv.org (http://www.lcadv.org/)

Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence
128 Main Street
Bangor, ME 04401
Phone: 207-941-1194
FAX: 207-941-2327

Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence
6911 Laurel Bowie Road, Suite 309
Bowie, MD 20715
TOLL-FREE: 800-MD-HELPS
Phone: 301-352-4574
FAX: 301-809-0422
http://www.mnadv.org (http://www.mnadv.org/)

Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence
Jane Doe, Inc.
14 Beacon Street, Suite 507
Boston, MA 02108
Phone: 617-248-0922
FAX: 617-248-0902

Michigan Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
3893 Okemos Road, Ste B2
Okemos MI 48864
ph: 517-347-7000
fax: 517-347-1377

Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women
450 North Syndicate Street, Suite 122
St. Paul, MN 55104
Phone: 612-646-6177
FAX: 612-646-1527
(800) 289-6177
http://www.mcbw.org (http://www.mcbw.org/)

Mississippi State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 4703
Jackson, MS 39296-4703
TOLL-FREE: 800-898-3234
Phone: 601-981-9196
FAX: 601-981-2501
http://www.mcadv.org (http://www.mcadv.org/)

Missouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence
415 East McCarty
Jefferson City, MO 65101
Phone: 573-634-4161
FAX: 573-636-3728

Montana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 633
Helena, MT 59624
Phone: 406-443-7794
FAX: 406-443-7818

Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition
825 M Street, Suite 404
Lincoln, NE 68508-2253
In-State Toll Free: 800-876-6238
Phone: 402-476-6256
FAX: 402-476-6806
http://www.ndvsac.org (http://www.ndvsac.org/)

Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence
100 West Grove Street, Suite 315
Reno, NV 89509
TOLL-FREE: 800-230-1955
Phone: 775-828-1115
FAX: 775-828-9911

New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic
and Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 353
Concord, NH 03302-0353
In-State Toll Free: 800-852-3388
Phone: 603-224-8893
Fax: 603-228-6096
http://www.nhcadsv.org (http://www.nhcadsv.org/)

New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
2620 Whitehorse Hamilton Square Road
Trenton, NJ 08690
TOLL-FREE: for Battered Lesbians: 800-224-0211 (in NJ only)
In-State Toll Free: 800-572-7233
Phone: 609-584-8107
FAX: 609-584-9750
http://www.nhcadsv.org (http://www.nhcadsv.org/)

New Mexico State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
114 Oak NE
Albuquerque, NM 87106
TOLL-FREE: 800-773-3645 (in NM Only)
Phone: 505-246-9240
FAX: 505-246-9434
http://www.nmcadv.org (http://www.nmcadv.org/)

New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
79 Central Avenue
Albany, NY 12206
TOLL-FREE: 800-942-6906
TOLL-FREE (Spanish): 800-942-6908
Phone: 518-432-4864
FAX: 518-463-3155
E-mail: nyscadv@aol.com (nyscadv@aol.com)
http://www.nyscadv.org (http://www.nyscadv.org/)

North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence
115 Market Street, Suite 400
Durham, NC 27707
Phone: 919-956-9124
FAX: 919-682-1449

North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services
State Networking Office
418 East Rosser Avenue, Suite 320
Bismarck, ND 58501-4046
TOLL-FREE: 800-472-2911 (In ND Only)
Phone: 701-255-6240
FAX: 701-255-1904

Ohio Domestic Violence Network
4807 Evanswood Drive, Suite 201
Columbus, OH 43229
Toll Free: 800-934-9840
Phone: 614-781-9651
Fax: 614-781-9652
E-mail: info@odvn.org (info@odvn.org)
Website: www.odvn.org (http://www.odvn.org/)

Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
2525 NW Expressway, Suite 101
Oklahoma City, OK 73112
phone 405-848-1815
fax 405-848-3469
TOLL FREE 1-800-522-7233

Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
659 Cottage St NE
Salem, OR 97301
503-365-9644
503-566-7870 fax
E-mail: ocadsv@teleport.com (ocadsv@teleport.com)
http://www.ocadsv.com (http://www.ocadsv.com/)

Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence/National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112-2778
TOLL-FREE: 800-932-4632
Phone: 717-545-6400
FAX: 717-671-8149
http://www.pcadv.org (http://www.pcadv.org/)

Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence
422 Post Road, Suite 202
Warwick, RI 02888
In-State TOLL-FREE: 800-494-8100
Phone: 401-467-9940
FAX: 401-467-9943
http://www.ricadv.org (http://www.ricadv.org/)

South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual
Assault
P.O. Box 7776
Columbia, SC 29202-7776
TOLL-FREE: 800-260-9293
Phone: 803-750-1222
FAX: 803-750-1246
http://www.sccadvsa.org (http://www.sccadvsa.org/)

South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
P.O. Box 141
Pierre, SD 57501
TOLL-FREE: 800-572-9196
Phone: 605-945-0869
FAX: 605-945-0870

Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 120972
Nashville, TN 37212
Office: 615) 386-9406
Fax: (615) 383-2967
Toll Free Information Line: (800) 289-9018 (8 a.m. - 5 p.m. M-F)
Statewide Domestic Violence and Child Abuse Hotline: (800) 356-6767
Email: tcadsv@telelink.net
http://www.tcadsv.citysearch.com (http://www.tcadsv.citysearch.com/)

Texas Council on Family Violence
8701 P.O. Box 16180
Austin, TX 78716
Phone: 512-794-1133
FAX: 512-794-1199
http://www.tcfv.org (http://www.tcfv.org/)

Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council
120 North 200 West, #319
Salt Lake City, UT 84103
TOLL-FREE in Utah: 800-897-LINK
Phone: 801-538-4635
FAX: 801-538-4016

Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault
P.O. Box 405
Montpelier, VT 05601
Phone: 802-223-1302
FAX: 802-223-6943

Virginians Against Domestic Violence
2850 Sandy Bay Road, Suite 101
Williamsburg, VA 23185
TOLL-FREE: 800-838-VADV
Phone: 757-221-0990
FAX: 757-229-1553

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
8645 Martin Way NE
Suite 103
Lacey, WA 98516
360/407-0756
360/407-0761 FAX
360/407-0760 TTY
http://www.wscadv.org (http://www.wscadv.org/)

West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Elk Office Center
4710 Chimney Drive, Suite A
Charleston, WV 25302
Phone: 304-965-3552
FAX: 304-965-3572
http://www.wvcadv.org (http://www.wvcadv.org/)

Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence
307 South Paterson, Suite 1
Madison, WI 53703
Phone: 608-255-0539
FAX: 608-255-3560
http://www.wcasa.org (http://www.wcasa.org/)

Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 236
Laramie, WY 82073
Phone: 307-755-5481
FAX: 307-755-5482

U.S. Virgin Islands

Women’s Coalition of St. Croix
Box 2734 St. Croix, VI 00822
Phone: 809-773-9272

Women’s Resource Center
8 Kongens GadeSt. Thomas, VI 00802 Phone: 809-722-2907

Puerto Rico

Coordinadora Paz para la Mujer, Inc
Proyecto Coalicion Contra la Violencia Domestica
P.O. Box 1007 RMS 108
San Juan, Puerto Rico 00919
Phone: 787-281-7579
Fax: 787-767-6843

Correo electronico: pazparalamujer@yunque.net (pazparalamujer@yunque.net)
Comision Para Los Asuntos De La MujerBox 11382
Fernandez Juancus Station Santurce, Puerto Rico 00910
787-722-2907

I found these sites to be very helpful, insightful and most definitley, an eye opener!

http://www.fortunecity.com/athena/satin/0/bsigns.html

SIGNS OF THE BATTERER

* He is jealous.
* He blames others for his faults.
* He blames circumstances for his problems.
* He demonstrates unpredictable behavior.
* He belittles his partner verbally.
* He cannot control his anger.
* He always asks for a second chance.
* He says he'll change - that he won't do it again.
* He may have been an abused child, or witnessed his father's abuse of his mother.
* He plays on his partner's guilt. (If you loved me you'd ... )
* His behavior often becomes worse when he uses drugs or alcohol.
* He is closed-minded. His way is the only way.
* He may seem charming, gregarious, gentle to non-family members.
* He dislikes women, believes that "a woman's place is in the home, and that men have the right to control women.
* He abuses his children.

Adapted from the Mennonite Domestic Violence Task Force pamphlet.

http://www.metrobatteredwomen.com/battering.html

Many women are interested in knowing how they can predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is not a "typical victim " or "perpetrator". Any woman can be battered, regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Battering usually occurs between a man and a woman partner. However, violence can exist in other domestic relationships as well; lesbian battering and older parents beaten by their adult children are examples.*

Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has several (three or more) of these behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence – the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). In the beginning these behaviors can be "explained" by the batterer as love and concern. However, as time goes on these behaviors become more severe and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*To facilitate reading, there are places within this at which the word "he" is used to name the role of the abuser. This wording is not meant to discount the various situations in which domestic violence occurs.

* JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question his partner about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

* CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for his partner’s safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if his partner is "late" coming back from the store or elsewhere and will question her closely about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let his partner make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

* QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to," "I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser will pressure his partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later she may feel very guilty or that she is "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.

* UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects his partner to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need – you’re all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.

* ISOLATION: The Abusive person tried to cut off his partner from all resources. If she has men friends, she’s a whore; if she has women friends, she’s a lesbian; if she’s close to her family, she’s "tied to the apron string." The abuser accuses people who are supportive to his partner of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let his partner use the car (or have one that’s reliable), or may try to keep her from working, going to school, or church.

* BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him, someone is always doing him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame his partner for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell his partner that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

* BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell his partner, "You make me so mad," You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate his partner. Less obvious are claims that "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."

* HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he’s really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen – things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.

* CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: This is a person who kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability (such as, whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper) or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home.

* "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw his partner down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where his partner is helpless and will let her know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether his partner wants to have sex or will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with his partner while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

* VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades his partner, cursing her, running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell his partner that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking his partner up to verbally abuse her and not letting her go to sleep.

* RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects his partner to serve him, perhaps saying that she must stay at home, or that she must obey him in all things- even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

* DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser’s "sudden" mood changes – they may think that the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their parents, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

** The following four signs are found in those who are indeed batterers.

* PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say that he has hit women in the past but it was the woman’s fault, or that it was the only time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if she is with him long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

* THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman – "I’ll slap your mouth off." "I’ll kill you." "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats, saying that "everybody talks like that."

* BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize his partner into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near his partner. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is a great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

* ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold his partner against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me!"

Thanks for this info queenmae...I'm making this a sticky for everyone to read.

hello all. I was in an abusive relationship for a year, it is shame and embarassment that makes women stay. I know for myself, i'd bragged on this man and told everyone how wonderful he was.....then....he changed...or more like his true colors came out...I did leave and worked it out with the love of my life, my true love, who stuck by me through everything.he is amazing.

Wow...its Crazy-just When You Think You Know It All.

Women Can Be Abusers 2 Right??? It Kinda Scary Cuz I Think At Times When I Become Angry, But Mostly When Im Felling Hurt, Or Sad...Im The One Who Takes Flight On Him.
I Dont Take Any Of The Bull$**t That I Had To Endure While I Was A Kid.
I Used To See This All The Time While I Was Growing Up-and I Knew It Was Wrong-I Knew He Was Hurting Her, But It Was Just Soo Scary...cuz I Knew I Couldnt Do Anything To Stop Him From Hurting Her, So I Used 2 Hide Moslty In The Same Room As The 2 Of Them, And Watch Him Beat Her...sometimes Until She Bled, But Most Of The Time Until He Broke Her Bones. And LeT Me Tell You; It Isnt Easy Expressing Fellings, And All That Mushy Stuff After You Experience Them Kind Of Things For Almost Every Day Of Your Life.

What Then??? My Boo Has Never Hit Me, And He Says He Never Will, No Matter What I Do To Him.
I Dont Want To Be Labeled An Abuser...but I Think That Is What I Have Become :(...and No One Deserves That. Not Even Me. I Need Some Advice, Please. BECAUSE I WILL NOT WALK AWAY, I DONT KNOW HOW, AND I NEVER PLAN TO, AND I KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, CUZ ONE DAY I FEAR COMMING ACROSS A MAN WHO IS JUST THE SAME. AND THEM IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH.:(

Any Advice?

I was in a abusive relationship with my ex-husband and I can relate to most of the things on that list.

I'm such an airhead :D LOL, I didn't know you made this into a sticky and was looking and looking and looking in the thread I had posted it LOL. I kept saying to myself, "I know I put it in this thread, where did it go." haha I feel priviledged LOL. But being a former battered wife, I wanted to go to the sites to reread the signs. Thank you. I hope it will help everyone, a loved one, even if it helps just one person, that's well worth it! Thanks again, Karla

P.S. MoReNoLuVzNoTtY: My only suggestion to you would be to maybe get some counseling. No one deserves to be abused, be it man or woman. Why would someone want to put their hands on a partner? If you get to the point you feel this is necessary, what you have or need to do, take a breath, count to 10 and leave, just walk away. I'm not a counselor, that's why I suggested for you to go to one for some help. I don't want to disrespect you in any way. I'm only giving my 2 cents worth. If you need to talk, you can PM me anytime ok. Take care! :wave:

I have too go to court in 2 weeks and I am sooooo scared that I will find out he only married me too shut me up. He is not the same person I met in the prison and definitely not too be trusted at this point and I am abused too the point that his family doesn't even talk too me; they ask about me but they don't ask too speak too me . He spent hours on his cell talking too them and left me home sick when visited them on 2 occasions.
I was in chicago with him and his brother just turned me against him. I don't like men who cheat on their wives. And sisters that tell their brothers not too trust his women because she in society when I was in the church. I am definitely hurt becaue we only just got married March 26th 2005 . Sad my marriage feels like my waitng was for nothing. 4 times he has hit me and thats 4 times too many. Unless he gets help he has lost me. I always push him out of my face. And calls me all kinds of names under the sun. Works and won't give me a dime will pay some bills and I woory that he gave me nothing this week How am I too pay for things now that I lost my job. Wound up quitting because he kept calling my cell. Saddddddddddddd!

Terresgirl

Strill wearing my wedding band and still hoping that thing will change. It's been 2 days so far that he was escourted by the police too leave our home. somebody please respond.:confused: :(

I was married for 20 years to a man who controled my every part of my being. There is not one thing on that list that I can't identify with.........

Many people have asked since I have left and divorced him 5 yrs ago....WHY did you stay? I had to think about it because I did not really know other than I truely thought he would change and I did love him and He was the father to my children and family meant everything to me..

He took away my dignity..my pride...my selfworth and eventually I knew he would take MY LIFE.

It wasn't until the last year I was with him that I KNEW if I did not leave he would kill me..NOT on purpose..it would be an accident..he would have just gone too far and I knew he was headed that way..The beatings got so bad I just knew I was not going to live through many more...

So now that I have left my life is full of scares that just won't heal...This is disgusting to say but I miss him ..I miss the man I loved so much and tried so hard to be with. This is an emotional scare that I will bare for life.

If I had it to do all over agian...I would have left after the first beating...not 20 yrs later!!

I hope this helps anyone in this position!! GET OUT IT NEVER STOPS! At least for me it didn't..20 years and it never stopped. 20 years of trying to please him and be the person he wnted me to be.....It wasn't everyday it was several times a year 5 or 6 to say.

I wish everyone luck who is in this situation. I will not judge you because I do understand why WE stay.

PM me if you would like to talk about it...

My ex, tried to kill me a few years back. We were not married - thank God. I did have a warning previous to that, when he tried to do the same thing by strangling and then trying to drown me. I stayed with him only becuase I was in shock. When I finally came around to my senses I got out. It was this that prompted him to try and take my life.

Don't wait until he gets so wound up that he will do anything. I have no idea what the legal system is like where you are but where I am it is absolutely pants. A man can try and take your life (or take your life), can do all kinds of things to you and tell the courts he was nagged or provoked and get away with it. :mad:

Please, if things have gone beyond what you are comfortable sharing with anyone then you already know you are not being treated right.

And I can identify with the woman that said she still loved the man. You cannot turn feelings on and off like that. I still loved my ex for a while and it was my male friends who counselled me.

I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I wish you real love. I wish you safety and respect. I wish you joy. I wish you peace.
Love from Malaika.

Another sign is when you do a background check on them and they have two domestic violence injunctions against them....I met someone who was all the above and I just wanted to be friends....

Hi everybody, :rolleyes:

This past January, my 6 year olds father was released from prison, he came over to spend the night at my house to spend time with me and his daughter. We got into a arguement because I told my 6 year old it was time for her to go to bed (it was very late), I don't remember too much of what happend, but he came after me, hit me so many times that he knocked me out for approximately 5 - 6 hours, when I woke up and got to the phone to call 911 the police & ambulance came, and took me to the local hospital. The Doctors stapled the whole left side of my head back up + had to give me several stitches in 3 different places on my face + my left eye was swallon shut for 2 weeks straight. He (my daughters father is now awaiting trial for 2 first degree felonies - 1. aggrivated assault with a deadly weapon causing serious bodily harm 2. unlawful restraint.
He will recieve anything from 25 years to life.
Well, I just wanted to share my story.
Ya'll take care.:o

Wow I'm sorry that happened to you. How are you doing now both physically and emotionally? How is your daughter? I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Hello everyone...I have a site on domestic violence awareness, I also share my story of becoming a survivor in hopes that it could help others still in that lifestyle. My web address is www/myspace.com/stayanddieorliveandlearn, just click on my blog to read my story.

much love,
MrsRivera