hI I'M MELISSA AND I'M 24 MY BOYFRIEND HURTS ME MAKES ME LIVE IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE I WANT TO LEAVE BUT I HAVE NO FRIEND TO TALK TO NOBODY TO HELP ME AND SAY I CAN DO IT DOES ANYONE LIVE IN NJ AND HAS BEEN THROW THE SAME THING AS ME PLEASE GET IN CONTACK WITH ME

undefined I was married to a wife beater for 23 years. I wont not let him hit the children, but he had no problem letting me have it. The first three years were great. He like hitting the wall, but then came the day my face was better. I was 8 months pg with our daughter. i was scared. But after 10 years I became numb to the fact. If I didn't cry and took it tit would end faster. I would not tell anyone or would I allough my children to tell. My son says it never happened and my daughter and I talk about it. But what made me finally leave was the last time. He tryed to kill me he left me for dead in the desert. It was my time to go. Some how I crawled to the highway and was picked up by a highway potorlmen. He save my life. He took me to a safe house. I was so afrad I would not tell them my name. But I left to soon, my son wAS STILL IN HIGHSCHOOL AND STAYED WITH HIS FATHER AND ENDED UP IN PRISON AT 18 FOR 5AND 1/2 YEARS. Hes uot now but still at his fathers. I hope he doent do the same thing to his wife. You can only tell your story,but you can't tell some one in the same pishion what to do they will figuret it out on their own. But will it be to late?
Typetester

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I have been lurking for a while...but I had to register and get this off of my chest. Please excuse the rambling, but I have to puncture this old, infected wound and get it out of my soul: And please forgive the pain and sadness this post may bring but I've never brought myself to even say it out loud *CRY*:cry:

It hurts that the person you adore can just punch you in the face and not think anything of it, only after when he sees your bloody nose and you're crying in the bathroom do they feel guilty and try to make you feel better. And how did this start? I found out a woman was calling his beeper and I confronted him about it. Still, I kept loving him.
How about when you're helplessly defending yourself about some little stupid something (Oh! I put mustard in your sandwich, and you HATE mustard? That's why you threw your keys at me with such force that they embedded in the wall...) and he grabs you with so much hate in his eyes, rage and disgust smoldering in his face! You don't know what he's going to do to you at that moment and your life flashes before your eyes? Still, I kept loving him.
He has a bad day and GUESS who got the (literal) swift, painful kick in the ass, so painful that the bruised tailbone doesn't allow you to sit for hours? Not to mention the deep, painful humility of being kicked like a dog and him seeing you jump up and down in shattering pain....don't they have a heart? Still, I kept loving him.
I forgot to park the car in the right parking spot (NOT under the tree, where birds poop on it) and he grabs a handful of my hair, close to the scalp and pulls me across the room and out the door to move it...IN THE RAIN....Still I kept loving him.
Some forgotten mistake I made and FLICK! a lighted cigarette was plucked into my face, missing my eye by a 1/2 inch? And most painfully, just as I gasped and raised my hand to the burned spot by my eye, I noticed his disdainful, uncaring look on his face...My heart breaking, I still loved him.

Christmas Day, 1999....he's drunk and while fighting with me, he violently pokes me in the eye....I scream in pain and to my horror, my 4-year old daughter runs and starts slapping her tiny hands against his stomach-- "Don't hurt my mama!" He pulled her aside roughly, but I notice through my blinded tears and pain what he does, and clutch our daughter to my chest and roar at him-- "OH NO, YOU BASTARD--YOU'VE DONE IT FOR THE LAST TIME, AND YOU WON'T START WITH OUR BABY!" I would have killed him on the spot if my daughter wouldn't have been in my arms. He beat me in submission, he took away my self-worth, my self-esteem, almost destroyed me physically, but like a lioness I attacked him when he touched my child.

I left him and never went back. It will be 5 years this Christmas Day. He has been in jail two times for DWI. His alcoholism was the fuel for the demons in his mind and soul. Sober, he was a good person. Drunk, he was the monster I have written of. Both times he was in jail, I helped him the most I could with support and a little bit of money. I have raised my two daughters (my oldest from a previous marriage, also to a an abusive alcoholic but I left him when my oldest was a baby) on my own (with the help of my loving parents, God bless them) and they are good students, well-adjusted and know that woman are to be treated with love and respect and should NEVER be abused in any fashion. The youngest still loves her Dad very much but does remember that day 5 years ago. She says to me, "Mama, remember that day when I saved your life? When Daddy hit you in the eye?" I hug her and say, "Yes, my baby, I remember." She doesn't realize that she REALLY saved my life.

Thanks for listening.

This week I have been reliving alot of my past as I am ready to let it go and move forward with my life. I grew up in an abusive home, my mother would dicipline with her fists. All my life I thought it was natural to strike out at people when you were angry, or drunk, or just felt like it. I got married at 20 and never expected the cycle to stop. Two months after my wedding, I caught my husband messing around with my sister. When I said something about it and moved to the couch, the beatings started. I lived like that for 2 years and never really thought of the impact it was making on my son. One day my husband decided to really hurt me, because after so many years of being treated like I was nothing I was a zombie emotionally. He put a gun to my son's ( who was 4 at the time ) head and told me that he would kill him and let me watch it and then kill me. That day I left with my son, the clothes on my back, 2 dollars in my purse, and a car with no brakes (I wasn't allowed to have the good car, even though he took my paychecks and I was paying for it too. ) I was taken to a Women's Shelter and lived there for 3 months, until I could find a place to live.
Leaving the shelter with my son was a hard thing to do. Here I had people that would make sure I was safe, on the outside I had to fend for myself. And even though I had a good job, how could I possibly make it on my own since I couldn't live without a man and was too stupid to do anything right? These were the thoughts that were normal to me back then, and I really believed every statement to the very core of me.
I finished up nursing school and tried to have a decent life and bring my son up right. I met my second husband 2 years later. I knew him for 4 days and we took a drive to Kentucky from Michigan and got married. He treated me like a queen and I had no idea how to react. Never laid a hand on me, always told me to walk with my head up and face the world. He accepted my son as his own and gave us security and love. I had no idea that the rest of the world lived like this and was sucking up every minute of it, because I believed it would end and my life would be the life I always knew. After 5 years of marriage the police came to the door at 3:30am and asked me to come with them to identify a body they presumed was my husbands. It was him and it was time to leave my comfy world and do it all over again. A big part of my heart went with him the day he was buried and for years I thought that being treated nice was gone too.
Fast forward 5 years, I meet husband #3. I was treated good for the year we were together and then we got married. Two weeks later I was beaten to the point of deafness in one ear. Something snapped in me that night. He fell asleep and I put some liquid Crisco on the stove to boil. Attempts to clean the blood didn't work and the more I looked at my face, the madder I got. I took the boiling oil and threw it on him, covering him from the armpits to the knees. He called 911 and wanted them to arrest me for this. When the police came to the door I was so dizzy from the ruptured eardrum I kept falling against the wall while they were talking to me. He sat there screaming at all of us, asking "what about me?" The police took both of us to separate hospitals with me being the only one leaving after getting treatment.
The Grand Jury indicted him on Felonious Assult and Domestic Violence charges and I got the choice to pick between the 2. Of course I went for the FA charges, he would be incarcerated for years as opposed to months.
At his trial, he told the judge that I needed dicipline and if he needed to hit me for me to act right then he would. The judge didn't agree and he was gone for 3 years.
4 years later I still hold my belief that a pot of grease needs to be kept on a burner on the stove at all times, I still flinch when anyone, man or woman, tries to touch me. I know now that the hitting and being scared are not normal and I should not be afraid, but for having lived with this for 33 out of 37 years, it's hard to let go of.
Many years have been spent on a therapist, much needed soul searching has been done and I can finally say out loud for everyone to hear that I am a good person and I deserve to be treated good. What makes me even happier still is the fact that I believe it to the very center of my being!!!

i've noticed this part of the forum several times but never felt that i had a right to post here. my story is not like most people's... but i guess i can talk about it...

i met my ex when i was 16 and he was 17. we had a cool start to our relationship, but it mostly involved drugs and sex. a few months into it i started realizing i didnt want to be with him, and brought up that we shouldnt be together. his reaction to me was that i wasnt good enough anyways, and he told me he wanted to see his ex. of course i didnt expect him to say it, but i let it go. he would call me and talk about how great she was all the time, how she was better then me and how he never loved me to begin with. it hurt, and when he was done with her a month later he apologized, said he loved me, and asked for me back. i said yes.
the same thing happened for a few months, and i stayed with him. eventually he turned 18 and moved in with some friends. i constantly wanted his attention, but he got more involved into drugs. it got to the point that i was running away from his house when i stayed there, prefering to stay on the streets instead of with him or at my parents house. when i turned 18 later that year he asked me to move in with him and his friend in a new apartment. i jumped at the chance because i thought it would make things better.
we got a 2 bedroom and things went downhill. they started dealing drugs and brought constant people into our apartment. i hated it and would fight with my ex constantly. i was tired of being used because i had a job and money, and i didnt want all those people over. of course, he would be spun out of his mind and scream at me until i stopped talking to him. his friends and our roomate would watch the whole thing and do nothing.
i stopped seeing my friends and my family because i wanted to be there when he decided he wanted to be around me. sadly, i lost everyone, and he still wanted nothing to do with me except for sex or money. i gave up trying to be there for him and ended up sleeping with one of his dealer friends. of course everyone found out and he flipped out on me. he broke my stereo, speakers, mirrors, cds, pictures, everything. he threw my things against walls and basically destroyed everything i had. i got tired of it and decided to stand up for myself one day, so i stood in front of him and told him he couldnt leave the room until we talked, instead of that working he threatened to kill himself by jumping out our window, and when i yelled 'no!' and ran to him crying he threw me onto the floor and swung open our mirrored closet doors shattering the glass over the floor and me. our roomate watched the whole thing and did nothing.
this happened more often, but the door to our room would be shut. when i was crying and pleading with him while he screamed and broke things and threw me around, our neighbors actually asked us to stop because their kids were trying to sleep.
i moved out a few months after i moved into that apartment, and went back to my parents, but of course when he said he was sorry i went right back.
of course nothing changed, he threw his cell phone at me and it broke on my side, leaving a softball sized black bruise/welt, hit me with his shoes, slammed doors on my bare feet, almost everything he could do that didnt involve hitting me with his hands. of course he would pick me up and throw me, but never slap or hit me. finally we all moved out of that apartment (with over $2,000 worth of damages in a 5 month period) and moved into a new one. he kicked the front door and bedroom doors down to get to me, so i moved out. i got my own apartment alone, didnt speak to him for two months, and then got together with him again. this time he tried to hit me, but i ducked and he broke a hole through my wall. my neighbors called the police and after my he left and they showed up i actually sat there, bruised, bleeding, crying and with a hole in my wall, making excuses for him. "its fine, it was my fault" "dont worry, its nothing."
that was when i realized i had enough and left him for good. its been over 5 months and i havent been spoken to him since. i went through 3 years of that and i dont know how i did it...

the horrible thing was that i would always hear another woman in our apartments screaming for help at night because her husband abused her, and i always thought, "i would never want to be her..." i never considered what he was doing as abuse because he never actually hit me with his hands...

one thing i have to say though, i fought back like mad. i dont think i ever stood down once and i think thats what pissed him off more... i've hit him back and got in his face when he did it to me. i dont know if that was the right thing to do, but i didnt like the feeling of him overpowering me so much.
i didnt grow up in a 'broken' home, i have a loving family, awesome friends, a great job... i just thought that he was my true love, my first love, and i thought that maybe one day he would want me like i wanted him...

luckly though, if it wasnt for him i would have never met nick (who knew nothing of the abuse until i told him just recently) and i am thankful at least for that, because nick is an amazing part of my life now. :)

Hi everyone. I am really not sure how to go about this, I am normally not one to ask for advice or help, but I feel like I am in way over my head. I am 20 years old and I am from Los angeles. I recently moved to San Diego away from everyone and everything I have ever known. Growing up my friends were my family so it was and is still a very big shock for me to be so cut off from any kind of social life, especially not being in LA.
My brother had spent 2 years in Ironwood state prison and was released a few days before I ended my last relationship. He came to my house and begged me to take him to a parolee program close to my house so that he could see his homeboy. I refused to take him because I have had past experiences with convicts that I no longer want to be involved with anymore, but after 2 hours of his whining I gave in. I was furious the entire trip over there and was not pleased when my brother insisted I meet this guy.
This guy had been his cellmate for a period of 6 months in prison. My brother though a few years older I could see looked up to and had a respect I had never seen him give anyone before the way he had with this guy. Of course i'm sure alot of you felt the same, that there was just that something about them that wouldn't let you look away.
Anyways my brother gave him my number so that they could keep in touch or come visit some time, and this guy was gonna help me get my brother into a program. I saw that this guy had a really good head on his shoulders, and unlike most people he really cared about my brother. I loved that. So from the day I met this guy on we ended up on the phone almost everyday because my brother couldn't go a single day without committing crime and I was clueless as to how I would be able to keep him out of prison, and getting on the right track. But something inside told me that somehow someway this guy would be a part of my life forever. very weird, I have never come close to feeling anything like that about anyone or anything before. Then one weekend this guy got a pass to leave his program for a night and he came to stay at my house with me and my brother. We barely talked that whole night but immediatley after he left we became inseparable on the phone. He has had an amazingly unfortunate past, as have I. Not quite as extreme as his, but we have a deep understanding for what it is to be abandoned, gave up on, no family, blah blah blah. I for the first time ever felt someone understood exactly where I was coming from.
He was the sweetest most caring and genuine person I had ever met. I loved everything about him and I didn't even know him. A month later he decided that he was ready to leave his program after 5 months to come stay with me. I had no clue as to what was about to happen. I never in a million years could have saw this coming. The first few weeks were great but little by little I would get on his nerves more and more. I am a very sarcastic person, I have always been a smart ass but all in good fun. He used to love that about me, suddenly I had no respect for him, I was "taking his kindness for weakness", and was provoking him to come at me like a man. Then came the name calling and **** talking, he would say things to me I never would say to people I didn't like. really hurtfull, damaging things. And it stayed like that for 2 months litterally every single day until he finally hit me. I didn't even raise my voice or call him a name, he was waiting for me to give him a reason and when i didn't he did it anyway. then he hit me twice in a row a few nights later because I fell asleep while he was in the shower late at night. I lost my job because of him causing so much drama and greif at work. He literally broke me down til i now have no clue who i was or who i am, I'm afraid to talk cuz I might offend him, I'm afraid to be tired or be in pain because he comes up with way out accusations as to why I feel a certain way. After the millionth apology I finally had no choice to tell him he must get help . I told him I would support him and stand by his side the entire way. He agreed and told me once again that he hates acting like this but when he's pissed theres no way he can control it. And of course that he only does this because he loves me. if he didn't love me he wouldn't waste his time getting upset. So after a few more days of constant chaos, I ask him to stay and work for 1 more week, I would visit LA meanwhile, because I needed help with rent cuz he had cost me my job. He says okay, and promises to make sure i am okay when he does leave. he owes me that right? i have supported us both entirely on my own since day 1. He plans to meet up with a counselor from his previous program to discuss options of places to go. He leaves with this friend knowing he has to be at work in 1 1/2 hours. 10 minutes before he is supposed to owrk he calls and says he's coming home to talk. he comes home with this ex con, ex dope fiend, exct. and has this dude tell me that I am jeopordizing his life, told me I don't realize that he could spend 25-life being a 2 striker, and that I need to see that it's not about me, it's about him and what he needs. and he would be packing his stuff to go to a program. dude has no clue. If I wasn't aware of his 25-life I would have called the cops and pressed charges, but i don't have the heart to put him back in the place that made him like this. And here he leaves me with no food, no money for rent, or bills or transportation money to find a job. NOTHING. and I never wanted anything more than to show him there was a good side to life. I was going to love him like no one ever could, and I honestly know that I do.
The boy means the world to me, Nothing has ever meant as much as he does. It doesn't matter whether we are a couple or not, I always want to be a part of his life and be there if he needs a friend. HOW CAN I STILL FEEL SO DEEPLY ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAS HURT ME MORE THAN ANYONE BEFORE??????????

It's a natural feeling. I was abused for years, was told that I needed to leave by many people, stayed until I was almost killed one night.
Part of the "circle of abuse" is the mental hold they have. By being afraid, the hold is pretty strong. It leads to worse things, believe me.
It's not your fault, but please make sure your safe. Call a crisis center of Domestic Violence shelter for help as soon as possible.

i have read and read and read........i must say i can relate to almost "EVERY"
post on this subject..there's a little of me and my experiences in it all...this is why i am building my website...there are many different hotlines,websites,etc.on my site,as well as a small piece of my story.
i have not updated in a while due to dealing with my own life and that of my loved ones,however,be patient with me and i will soon be posting new stuff.if any of you would like to share your stories there,please feel free to do so..it is great therapy and it also helps others to know they are not alone.....
one more thing,as many of you said here......everyone who goes through abuse must deal with it in their own way and on their own time,however,please keep in mind...some survive and some don't AND "NOOOOOO-ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED"!!!!!!!! ENUFF IS ENUFF!
http:/enuffabuse.bravehost.com

pto was introduced to me by someone very dear to my heart beacuse my son is incarcerated(since mother's day)and strangely enough,i ended up here! IRONIC!!!..:eek:

Hi Ladies,
Domestic Violence is everywhere. Even with people we would not even think of. I am a survivor. It starts out so small. They win our hearts first. Then the name calling, put downs, putting words in your mouth. I am divorcing for the 2nd time. 2 different men. Both DV. I was at a point in my life that I believed I was damaged property. Dad also had his hands in this. First husband I was still caught up in the way of no snitching, don't tell etc... When my daughter was 18 months old, I had enough and found it in me and kicked him out. Was with him almost 7 years. I used to fight back, until I had my first child. Who passed at 33 days old of SIDS. He got me good then. Never about me, just him. What am I crying for it is his son. Oh let me tell you. Life was a mess. And all the drugs I got into. I kicked him to the curb when my second child was 18 months old. Had some strength behind, a homeboy. Another story. He ended with me going to prison. 2 years of that, 2 years on the streets single, and strong as ever. Then I ran into the demon man. Snake man as I call him. 10 years later, I am almost divorced. He beat me good. Broke everything in my house, wrecked all the cars, we went hungry, he would be home when he would be home. He was always sorry, never do it again. All good for 3 to 5 days. No more walking on eggshells. NO MORE. I can go on and on. But another time. Just GOD BLESS all of you. And get out. Remember you before him? Remember? That is you. And you can be again. He is no one. And LOVE DOES NOT HURT, and you deserve to be HAPPY. Only you can end it, he won't change and he ain't leaving. There is help. PRAY< PRAY PRAY.

Hello. I am not new to this site but new to this part. My boyfriend first went to prison for drugs, a few years ago. Now he is in there again for battery, against me. It started from the beginning and just got worse. I hope he gets the proper help in there, and also when he's released. I never thought I'd be a woman who would tolerate physical and mental abuse. Well, mental, I guess I've experienced with other boyfriends who were in my life before. But not physical. I still want to be with him:banghead: :slap: :blush:. I am hoping he can change. Maybe I'm just a fool to think that. Anyways, my name is Sheila.:o

The scariest thing about this kind of abuse is how it creeps up on you a little bit at a time, until you feel very trapped by both the fear and the shame. But you need to get away and get help, for sure!

Hi, I just went thru the same nightmare and really had no idea how to get out of the situation. I called Safe Shelter here in my area. These folks have been very helpful. The most important thing to remember is that you HAVE to take a stand and not let him hurt you any further. I would start by calling the police and make a report of the situation but be ready to leave. No matter what you think, it will NOT get better. This guy that I was with threatened to kill me if I went to the police. I am a professional and was trapped in his abuse for 8 months. He is on probation for 9 years under the 1st Offenders Act for a list of felonies. I want to know if anyone out there is aware of what he is facing at this point?? I have a Protective Order which he has violated and a warrant for aggrevated stalking was issued today. If anyone can be of help to me, I would certainly appreciate it.

Hi Sheila,

He will not get better. I want to think the same thing but they normally don't get better. It kills me to think that I have allowed him to do this to me and to make me think I am to blame but it's not me. NO ONE deserves to be beat on......NO ONE!!! Hope this helps!! I do understand how hard it is but stand up for you this time. He has no respect for you at this point. If you want to help him, it's called tough love! I know how hard it is but think of how he has humiliated you and disrespected you. You are so much better than his lies. My ex is facing a long time in prison which I hate but I didn't do it, he did it to himself. I hope I am not too harsh but I am so upset with having to do this. The best gift you can give him is to pray for him. ;)

I was in an abusive relationship about a year and a half ago. He was abusive in many ways from the very start. I should have left the first time he slapped me but I stayed and if only got worse. He started controlling every move I made. I rarely got to leave the house or even stand on the porch. He hardly ever got to my family events or do laundry until he needed clothes washed.

He started out dragging me from room to room in fits of anger. Then one night he completely freaked out on my and as I was laying on the floor trying to sleep before work, he jumped on me and grabbed my face and began pounding it repeatedly on the floor. I don't remember too much about that first attack apon me. The first part is mainly black. I do remember feeling the blood running down my face and the horrible screams coming from my mouth. I've never screamed like that before. I somehow broke free and ran into the living room, where he pushed my face against the wall and throw me back into the kitchen causing me to nearly break my jaw on the door frame, then he drug me kicking and screaming into the bathroom where he locked me in and made me clean myself up. I was covered with marks all over my face. I still have most of the scars from that night. I couldn't hold me head up on my own for 3 days and kept having dizzy spells and felt light-headed all the time. I still get terrible headaches, memory problems and stuff like that. I wasn't allowed to leave the house until my face cleared up and was kept in the back room like a dog.

When I was allowed to leave after that, I couldn't leave alone. But the first time I left with his friend's girlfriend and was gone two hours at now fault of my own, I came home and he freaked on me again. He told me car keys and kept telling me to leave. So, I started walking to get out of there as fast as I could. But he followed me and pulled me back to the house by my hair. When we got to the porch, I tripped on the steps. He then grabbed my hair again and pulled me in the house. I was real lucky someone called the cops and they showed up a few minutes later. Or else who knows what would have happened to me. He was only in jail for a month but I took that month and moved what little I had left out. It was the scariest period of my life. I never knew what was going to happen to me and feared for my life half the time. I'm thankful it's over and that I had enough strength left in me to get out.

I'm so glad to hear you made it out SleepSweet. No one not even a 'dog' deserves to live like that. I hope you keep moving forward in life and never look back at that man... samantha

Thanks okie. It was a year since it happened on May 2. And I haven't seen him since. For a while he tried to call my parents house for me but I refused to answer the phone or speak to him in anyway. I'm stronger for what I've been through and now if there's any signs like that, I don't stick around to find out the outcome. Next time I may not be as lucky. But there's not going to be a next time. I'd rather be alone than be treated like that again.

They can be the sweetest most loving men in the world!
We met through a mutual friend and I fell hard and fast.

Red flags.........
He was so easy to talk to. He was really interested in me and what I had to say. He wanted my thoughts, was so attentive, a good listener. He showed me respect, had good manners and he made me feel beauitful-even though I've modeled and cheered on a pro team squad, I'm not too bad to look at but I loved it that he was looking deeper-he was different, he was really real. He would ask question after question, wanted to know what made me, me, he said and so wonderful.
He just made me melt.
I said red flag because that how abusers start out-getting to know everything about you right off the bat.....so better to manipulate you.
This was the first day-we spent 8 hours talking. He knew alot about me.

Then he talked about himself....
He told me he had a terminal disease. He said he's been beating the odds that he should be a dead by now, however some have lived as long and longer. He "used" what I talked earlier:the power of the human brain.
He said because of his healthly positive outlook, meditations, determination and will power he had slowed this disease down.
Wow! He had a real jest for life! He wasn't even near cute but that didn't matter to me, he was so wonderful so strong and so real.

I fell for to disease thing hook line and sinker. I would later go and subscribe to the newsletter. I researched it, got on the internet-I wanted to help him.

He said he wanted to move to the Caribbean and spend the rest of his days. What a coincidence, I told him that I was between jobs and was planning an extended trip down there very soon! Ha! So I suggested we be travel parnters and go together! This is still the first day we met, so unlike me!

We left for St. Thomas 2 weeks later..I was in love, he was so perfect, he convined me it was the same for him....I tehn did belive in love a first sight. I was like the left side and he was the right, he the sun me the moon, he was my missing piece.

We stayed and island hopped for a few months, with one incident, the first, I should had ran!...laying in bed cuddling behind him I took a glass of water from the table and poured and little on his neck and was starting to lick it off seductively or so I thought when he just reached his arm around (and this his dieased arm that he could "barely move" not when he thought about it anyway)he grabbed the glass out of my hand in a flash and hurled it across the room yelling to never toss cold water on him again.
I thought at the time maybe it was irrating his diaease, the muscles----tensing them up or something...
Nothing from either of use was said about it.

Anyway while vacating we decided to go back home, sell, pull up stakes, blow that town and move to paradise! How wonderful! We both wanted the same things, we loved doing the same things. We had to think of a business to open up down there. He had no money and I didn't care, we were a team!! Red Flag: He was very active down there diving and all for someone who was knocking on death's door...I didn't pay any attention, my head was in the clouds!

But coming home, that's when things changed, shit hit the fan. I had friends to see and catch up with, I had things to do. I had responibilies. We weren't 24/7 anymore and he couldn't stand it, not having complete control over me or my actions. His true self was coming out-his jealousy, insecuries, his fear of losing me.
Always interuptive while I was on the phone, and wouldn't stop when I hushed him. Telling my friends when they'ld call and invite us to out for dinner or something that we don't do couple things, we like being just two. At first it didn't bother me, but then things started grading on my nerves, got real old. He said I was selfish and I was losing myself to/in him.

Then, I wasn't moving fast enough, wasn't getting it together for the move fast enough...
He started yelling at me-and at the beginning I was talking back to him. He started the name calling. He would say things that he knew would really hurt me. Then would write me love letters, or buy something goofy and make me laugh...because he was sorry, it was the dieaese getting to him he said, the frustration, the pain. Said the pain was tolerable where warm and he wanted to hurry up and go. This was x-mas time and I still had a house and contents to deal with + before l could move!

Abuse continued to esculate, and I was becoming more quiet as he got louder. Afraid to open my mouth when he was on a tryant.
I was so sad and missed the old us, wanting us back..I didn't know then that "you can never go back"....I was trying to please him but underneath I was having big time doubts about everything.
There was no talking to him about my feelings-things would get twisted.
He might lose it. He was having a hard time with this dieaese, always the excuse and I would feel selfish and guilty for not being more understanding.


I was seriously procrastating this move, but we had other stuff out of our control pop up too. I was thinking one day, that an island is small..and I wouldn't have aywhere to run which is what I often did these days to get away from him. And I could "disappear" easily too.
I was doubting his dieaese, because my family (with Dr.s) said it was impossible. I really had read articles where some people lived more then 12-13 years with it...he was on 12, and he was going strong!!!. I was beginning to believe my family.
Reality was setting in.

He lashed out at me daily. I think I became addicted to the "honeymoon peroids" of the cycle.

"Accidential" cigarette burns by him became frequent-burning my leg or arm-and everytime I would ask him to watch the cig (as he talks with his hands, arms) everytime! I would ask him to be careful I would still get burnt with it. I couldn't tell he was mad or anything either.
He even stopped apologing for it. When I saw it coming I would just move. I was so heartbroken. I was feeling sorry for him!
They are master manipulaters! I think it's a bad gene from that gene pool mostly. My abuser came from a (seemily) normal, upper middle class family.

I started writing in a journal after I met him...I never did that before. Reading it now, it was right there, there in my face, I knew it wasn't right but I choose to remain powerless. I didn't want to give up. He was so ugly, and so awkward, the poor guy, and no one would ever love him, not like me. And if he really didn't have long to live..
I kept trying..not knowing then as I do now that nothing is ever good enough for these men. You can never make them happy. Impossible. Plus, leopards don't change their spots!

Hair pulling, spitting, forced sex, burns, keeping me from sleep by either kicking me, hitting me or asking me something stupid getting louder and louder and not stopping until I would wake up and answer. Torturing, humiluating and hurting me.
He wasn't trying to hard with the apologies anymore.
He was now saying I make him do it, I push his buttons. That I know he has trouble with his anger and cannot control it so I need to stop getting him like that!

He poured bleach in my salt water aquarium, killing my expensive pets.
He kicked panels out of my doors at home and put holes in my walls.
He left me at night in dangerous places.
He left me while on a trip to Flordia, stranded w/o money, purse or cell phone just the clohes on my back.


He admitted, or rather manipulated me by enrolling in anger mangerment classes-he bitched about them, didn't like the rednecks, the teacher and only went to 2 classes. I said that's it up to him, he can get out of them whatever he wants and for that comment I got pushed down on the couch and made to stay, to afraid to move while he was in my face yelling about something then yelling more while pacing, he was foaming at tghe mouth! This was the longest one yet, 3 hours straight non-stop! I managed to break away at some point and ran-he always had my purse and /or keys where I couldn't get them if I did manage to escape...this was a frequent event.
I had a friend I left spare's of everything with, plus keys hidden outside-he never knew and he was cagey-like smart and always watching me.


One time I called the police from a neighbors house at 2:00am, when he tossed me out of my own house after waking me out of the blue and laying into me about something or another. It was still cold out, barefoot with mininal clothes running me out, he wanted me to go this time, and was laughing like the madman that he is at me before closing the door.
I wandered away then came back an hour or so later and saw his car gone and lights out. He parked the car out of sight.
I got my spare, let myself in but he was waiting and jumped me from the shadows.
This guy by the way is 6'4"-250 lbs.
He got rough, he wrapped his hands aroung my thoath, he orally raped me.
I threatened to call the cops.
He dare I call, said he wasn't going anywhere and I would be the one to get locked up.
I called the cops from a neighbors, he stayed hidden inside. Cops asked if he was living here, I said he was here alot but no he wasn't. They asked how long he's been in my house. I answered and he said that's considered by law as his living there. They asked if he had any belongings or clothes in there, I said yes. They said I would have to evict him then. I said his name was on nothing, I owned the property...too bad for me. I said, "but he chocked me, pushed me, forced himself in my mouth while straddlings my head", and I fear him more now especially after calling the police!. They checked me out, prepared to take pictues. They had to break down a bedroom door because he wouldn't come out. Off he went to jail 3 counts Simple Battery.
I went back to work the next day. I was finished with him and was getting my life back.
I got a temporary restraining order.
He got out.
He was sending flowers with touching notes.
He was sent jewerly, designed by him even.
He was crying to my friends, professing his love-they didn't know how bad things really were, I didn't talk to them as much anymore-friends are calling me telling me he really loves me, that he was crying! They asked what was up They have never been in an abusive relationship-me neither which is why I didn't know what to do, how to feel...I let him he beat me down, and I let him strip me of my being.
I went back again, determined not to be a failure.
He made and went with me to the courthouse to dismiss the now 12 month restraining order.
I asked he wait in the hall-only women in there and he did. I was the only one in there at that time however.
I asked for the paperwork, finished with it, gave it back.
She got busy with it.
She suggested I think it over, said she remembered me when I went in to get it, that I was scared and things haven't changed.
I said she was 100% right and thank you.
I took the paper anyway, the one you take to get filed, get your court date.
I didn't do that it was to show the "proof" to abuser hoping he didn't know the proceedor. He didn't.

Abuser tryed running me over with his car, his neighbors calls the cops. I showed the cops the restraining order, abuser said we had that dismissed, and if not I was just trying to trick him and get him in trouble.They asked me the story I told him. I feared him. Cop said the TRO works both ways not just one and arrested me, abuser assused me of slapping his face. He had a red mark, yea, look closer-it's zit. Agg. Assault. Received 36 months prison.

I had an old friend, who's an ex-cop, to move in with me. I went no where without him for a long time and his presence helped me sleep.

I needed help and direction I got in touch with my Victim Advocate assigned to me. She guided me though, gave me an education and an understanding of the minds of these guys. We were speaking almost daily. I also went to DV support groups.
I even screwed up once by talking then meeting with the abuser!
She was patience and understanding and said the usual is 3 times back-that's average. I just went that once. I could not have done it without her!e mails
She told me to keep records of all his texts, voice mails (which she retreived off my phone for me).
Keep a log of the times and days and get pictures of "gifts" left, ( my abuser was g
She said don't talk to him at all. Any talk, anything said at all was only seen as encouragement to him. And we want NONE of that!
I didn't talk to him at all.
She said he would get worst when he realizes I am gone.
It did.
She explained how the cycle of abuse works. My abuser was on a 4-5 week cycle.
Frist it's the I love you's, and the sorrys.
Then it's begging me to talk with him.
Then, "why won't you talk to me"."If you ever loved me you would". "Did we not ever mean a thing? "you never loved me if you did you would talk to me"
Then it's the "you better talk with me" "what the hell did I ever do to you's" or the "your going to get it."
Then the "your a fuckin bitch" stuff, harrassing phone calls at work get worse. ( I called the police and kept those reports in my file.)
"Better watch your back" "666"
Then windows busted out on my truck, tires slashed, damaged air conditioner unit outside the house and on the hottest night of the year, then abuser leaves a msg. Saying "I hope you sweat to death" on answering machine.
My file is very thick from my records kept on this guy's actions and aggressions ...as soon as things calmed for awhile....no fear, they will start right back!
He eventually got himself an Agg. Stalking too, the judge told him to stay 3 years.
He's been in jail since 4/2004 and have written a Victim Impactment Statement and my Victim Advocate wrote a letter to the Pardon's Board as well. I'm pushing for him to serve his full sentence, max release 10/07.
He is banished from GA when released, but I will be extra careful for while when he is released. The 10 years probation is awesome because there's is no douth he'll screw it up and be right back rhere.
I hope not!


My charges were dropped...jury trial didn't understand clearly the definition of Aggravated Assault and reducted it to Reckless Conduct-1 year.
The juors asked to stay for the sentencing..this was the first time I heard all his priors....long list, can't remember them and they aren't allowed to show or tell me again.


The system works. My abuser has been though the system numerous times-hopefully this will be his last but I doubt it. At least he got off the street for a while and maybe saved myself or some other girl.
Without the guidance and support from the VA assigned to me I would have been totally lost with what to do!

I believe you should count your blessings that you made it out alive survivor04. From what I've seen domestic violence is sneaky, deadly and can effect alot of people. For you and your family's sake never look back....

Can you call a domestic violence hotline or a battered women's shelter? They will help you. And they are only happy to do so. You don't have to tell him your name, if you don't want to. But, if he has made you feel in fear of your life...please, don't be afraid to call the police. He is not worth your life...no man is! PM me anytime you need to talk. I am on a couple of times a week and will get back to you right away, okay? Take care and I wish you the best.
Love, Sheila:o