I have a male friend who is incarcerated. Prior to prison he was married to a female (since divorced). In prison, it seems he came out to be gay. I thought well it is just because of where he is in a male prison.

He then had his name legally changed to that of a female and he also enjoys cross dressing.

He also is romantically involved with a girlfriend of mine and so I thought perhaps then he is bisexual.

I am just trying to understand all of this. I am not making any judgements or certainly not asking for any judgements to be made.

He likes being called by his female name and of course is with the exception of the prison administration.

It is just difficult for me to understand what is going on with him/her.

Perhaps someone has some pointers, tips for me where I may make some sense of all of this.

Any and all help will be appreciated.

For those of you wondering why I am posting this at all since I am not the girlfriend, it is because I am trying to help the girlfriend understand all of this.

Thanks for all of your help.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Babygirl

You say: "In prison he turned out to be gay". Do you mean he ACTUALLY had sexual gay experiences with other males on his OWN WILL, or do you say so, just because he changed his name to that of a female ???

Also, this is just out of curiosity, how did he LEGALLY change his name while in prison ?? I just ask, because in France you can't legally change your name and sexual identity unless you have a complete changing of sex surgery.

Now I'm gonna try to answer your question as best as I can.

The fact that he enjoys cross dressing, and had a name change, doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean he's gay. (That's why I asked you if he actually had gay sex with other males). For some reasons, some people don't like who they are, ie male or female, and really think it was a bad trick of the nature to be born with a sex they don't feel comfortable with. That doesn't always make those people gay or lesbian.

I'm gonna tell you a story. My roomy has a colleague, who's a very nice girl and who we at times invite home for dinner. Well, her parents are living in a small village in Provence. And, when they are both alone at home, her dad is no longer her dad but her second mom. He spends the whole day dressed as a woman, and his wife calls him by a woman's name. BUT, he never had sex with another man, and had a normal sexual life with his wife. They love each other, and Isabelle, their daughter loves her father/2nd mother, even though it was not easy for her to deal with this when she found out.

There is nothing to explain Babygirl, there are just a lot of different people with different walks of life all around the world.

As for your girlfriend, I think she has 2 options:

1- she dumps him

2- she loves him no matter what, and accepts the fact that the man of her life likes to cross dress and be called Brenda rather than John.

I think that it is something they have to talk about together, in a peaceful tolerant and friendly way.

I don't know if I really answered your question, and I hope I haven't confused you or your girfriend more than you were. Also, your girlfriend must be aware than her b/f is certainly suffering from this situation, even though he can't help it. She will probably not make him change his new way of life, because he certainly had this deep down in him for years, and now that he had the courage to assume what he really is, he won't probably step back.

Should you or your girlfriend need to ask other questions, please feel free, I'll do my best to try and help you, even though I don't always have the answers.

All my best wishes.

Phil

Babygirl

You say: "In prison he turned out to be gay". Do you mean he ACTUALLY had sexual gay experiences with other males on his OWN WILL, or do you say so, just because he changed his name to that of a female ???

Also, this is just out of curiosity, how did he LEGALLY change his name while in prison ?? I just ask, because in France you can't legally change your name and sexual identity unless you have a complete changing of sex surgery.

Now I'm gonna try to answer your question as best as I can.

The fact that he enjoys cross dressing, and had a name change, doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean he's gay. (That's why I asked you if he actually had gay sex with other males). For some reasons, some people don't like who they are, ie male or female, and really think it was a bad trick of the nature to be born with a sex they don't feel comfortable with. That doesn't always make those people gay or lesbian.

I'm gonna tell you a story. My roomy has a colleague, who's a very nice girl and who we at times invite home for dinner. Well, her parents are living in a small village in Provence. And, when they are both alone at home, her dad is no longer her dad but her second mom. He spends the whole day dressed as a woman, and his wife calls him by a woman's name. BUT, he never had sex with another man, and had a normal sexual life with his wife. They love each other, and Isabelle, their daughter loves her father/2nd mother, even though it was not easy for her to deal with this when she found out.

There is nothing to explain Babygirl, there are just a lot of different people with different walks of life all around the world.

As for your girlfriend, I think she has 2 options:

1- she dumps him

2- she loves him no matter what, and accepts the fact that the man of her life likes to cross dress and be called Brenda rather than John.

I think that it is something they have to talk about together, in a peaceful tolerant and friendly way.

I don't know if I really answered your question, and I hope I haven't confused you or your girfriend more than you were. Also, your girlfriend must be aware than her b/f is certainly suffering from this situation, even though he can't help it. She will probably not make him change his new way of life, because he certainly had this deep down in him for years, and now that he had the courage to assume what he really is, he won't probably step back.

Should you or your girlfriend need to ask other questions, please feel free, I'll do my best to try and help you, even though I don't always have the answers.

All my best wishes.

Phil

First of all let me say a very big Thank You for your response. I am most grateful.

Yes, he has had sexual experiences with men while incarcerated. He didn't have them out in the free world. That was what made me believe that it was only because he was incarcerated and that was all that was available to him. At that point I really didnt feel he was gay. And as I said before he was incarcerated, he was married to a female. However, he was extremely young at the time. He is now in his mid thirties.

Yes, he did have his name changed legally while incarcerated. Now if you were to pull up his name on the DOC site, it lists his male name, I am thinking because this was the name he was incarcerated under. They have his female name under Aliases.

Actually the new name that he chose, still contains part of his male first name with an extension on it and the last name is just spelled differently. He did however, change his middle name to that of a female.

His girlfriend has accepted him for who he/she is to her, however, finds it very confusing at times.
She did ask him once if they were to marry (this is a possibility), who he/she would be. He said he would be the man. His girlfriend is straight, I might add.

I am going to have to recheck your reply as I can't see it all on here and reply once again.

Thanks for taking the time to help me to understand.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Part Two

With this person it isn't a matter of he doesn't like the sex he was born with. He/She enjoys both worlds. I am not sure if it is one more than the other however, because of being incarcerated.

If I was to speculate and that is all it would be is speculation, I would say he probably likes his female side more, only because of the name change.

He also likes to wear female type make-up and does so in a limited way of course as none is available to him, so he has to utilize what is available. Sometimes it is an ink pen with different colored ink.

Now whether they marry remains to be seen. He has a very long sentence and at this point in time my girlfriend just doesn't know.

She is trying to understand more about him. She is very accepting of him, however, it is difficult.

Thanks for your story you told me of the friend. That is quite amazing for real.

I personally have a transgendered person in my family. He didnt like that he was born a male, so decided very late in life to have surgery and become a female. He made the transition and now is very happy. However, does not have any intimate friends. She now suffers from depression at times also. However, as I recall had this depression before the surgery. So it wasnt caused by the surgery.

Thanks again Phil for your help. Any other comments, please feel free to post.

Remember Hope is a good thing it springs life eternal.

babygirl,

Phil's answer was very real and very possible. The fact that your friend is having sex with other men in prison (willingly) probably means that he does in fact enjoy his physical contact with men. It is difficult to classify him as transgendered (or on his way in that direction) because you indicate that he is still perhaps interested in sex with a female partner and that in itself would cancel any indication that he was transgendered. Transgendered are not gay so to want to change sex and be with the same sex would not be impossible but not also something that you would expect...

There is a whole world of terms for men like him in prison - where my Partner is locked up they would call him a 'Baby'. Baby's dress like women and are 'available' to the male inmates. Some may be gay by nature, some for survival, some have perhaps found it to be a great hustle? There may be many reasons.

I think that it is a difficult situation to understand no matter how you disect it and analyze it. I think that your female friend needs to be very careful with her emotions so that she is not hurt, but in the same regard, if she is accepting of him as he is and can love him and receive love back from him then more power to her!!!

I think that what I am saying is that for your friend to have her 'eyes wide open' and make her decisions from the mind and not necessarily from the heart. If she is open and comfortable then great, but to be careful with her emotions.

I think that open communication and sharing about this is the best thing.

babygirl,

Phil's answer was very real and very possible. The fact that your friend is having sex with other men in prison (willingly) probably means that he does in fact enjoy his physical contact with men. It is difficult to classify him as transgendered (or on his way in that direction) because you indicate that he is still perhaps interested in sex with a female partner and that in itself would cancel any indication that he was transgendered. Transgendered are not gay so to want to change sex and be with the same sex would not be impossible but not also something that you would expect...

There is a whole world of terms for men like him in prison - where my Partner is locked up they would call him a 'Baby'. Baby's dress like women and are 'available' to the male inmates. Some may be gay by nature, some for survival, some have perhaps found it to be a great hustle? There may be many reasons.

I think that it is a difficult situation to understand no matter how you disect it and analyze it. I think that your female friend needs to be very careful with her emotions so that she is not hurt, but in the same regard, if she is accepting of him as he is and can love him and receive love back from him then more power to her!!!

I think that what I am saying is that for your friend to have her 'eyes wide open' and make her decisions from the mind and not necessarily from the heart. If she is open and comfortable then great, but to be careful with her emotions.

I think that open communication and sharing about this is the best thing.

Thank you very much for your most thoughtful reply. You and Phil both have been very kind in helping me to understand this situation so that I may be of some help to my friends.

Yes, I agree open communication and sharing about this is the best thing for all concerned.

Thanks again, I do appreciate it.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Hi Babygirl, The Guy I Am In Love Had A Sexual Encounter With The Same Man For Awhile Now But I Didnt Find Out Until I Was Already In Love With Him. He Has Been Married Twice Before. I Think One Of The Reason Why Was Because Of The Other Guy. He Swears He Never Loved Him And He Loves Me Wants To Marry Him. My Question Is Can It Be Possiable He Just Likes To Have Sex With Men But No String Attached? I Really Believe He Loves Me , I Guess I Am Afraid He Will Meet Somweone Else In Prison

Hi Babygirl, The Guy I Am In Love Had A Sexual Encounter With The Same Man For Awhile Now But I Didnt Find Out Until I Was Already In Love With Him. He Has Been Married Twice Before. I Think One Of The Reason Why Was Because Of The Other Guy. He Swears He Never Loved Him And He Loves Me Wants To Marry Him. My Question Is Can It Be Possiable He Just Likes To Have Sex With Men But No String Attached? I Really Believe He Loves Me , I Guess I Am Afraid He Will Meet Somweone Else In Prison

Yes, of course it is possible he likes to have sex with men with no strings attached. It is also possible (as I believe), that is what is available to him now and that is why he does it.

As far as your situation have you been able to sit down and have an honest communication with him about it and see where he is coming from?

Perhaps he is in the same situation, I believe my friend to be in.

As far as meeting someone else in prison, if he was out here on the street, he could do that also.

I have no answers for real, but I do believe in open and honest communication without judging anyone.

Good luck to you, perhaps Phil and Teb will come along and help you find some answers and try and put it in perspective for you.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Being gay myself and having a boyfriend in prison has allowed me to discuss the 'male perspective' fully with my boyfriend from his eyes. He has told me things that most guys in prison would NEVER talk to their female friends, wives, g/f's about. I am NOT suggesting that there are secret things going on inside the walls by any means...

I do honestly believe that a man can have sex with another man in prison and never look back once released. Prison is void of all 'human touch' and some guys need that - most guys need that - and much of the 'sex' is all about someone elses touch than love or anything remotely emotional. It is another hand...

Now - there could actually be some 'bond' there as well. I know of a few guys that have long standing 'arrangements' with other guys - they ONLY do it together. They are NOT however in love and not going to be with men when they get out because they are not gay... they do it for the human touch side of things and they have established a trust between them that they can count on and respect.

The most open of communication is needed between you and don't ever be afraid to ask the most difficult of questions to him! This is your heart and your potential hurt so you have to be careful. Just ask the questions - keep your eyes wide open - and hopefully you will make the right decision!

Good luck!

Being gay myself and having a boyfriend in prison has allowed me to discuss the 'male perspective' fully with my boyfriend from his eyes. He has told me things that most guys in prison would NEVER talk to their female friends, wives, g/f's about. I am NOT suggesting that there are secret things going on inside the walls by any means...

I do honestly believe that a man can have sex with another man in prison and never look back once released. Prison is void of all 'human touch' and some guys need that - most guys need that - and much of the 'sex' is all about someone elses touch than love or anything remotely emotional. It is another hand...

Now - there could actually be some 'bond' there as well. I know of a few guys that have long standing 'arrangements' with other guys - they ONLY do it together. They are NOT however in love and not going to be with men when they get out because they are not gay... they do it for the human touch side of things and they have established a trust between them that they can count on and respect.

The most open of communication is needed between you and don't ever be afraid to ask the most difficult of questions to him! This is your heart and your potential hurt so you have to be careful. Just ask the questions - keep your eyes wide open - and hopefully you will make the right decision!

Good luck!

Teb, thanks so much for yet more food for thought.

I also have believed that it has been about touch and not being in love.

There have been many studies done that have proven that everyone needs touch by someone else. Now, I am not necessarily saying sex, just touch.

That is why I have always felt that sometimes in prison this lifestyle goes on because that is what is available. At the same time when they are released I dont feel the same lifestyle would continue, UNLESS of course they are truely gay.

So I thank you again for being so honest and open. It is refreshing to get the male point of view on this.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

WOW...I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR NAME WHILE INCARCERATED. I'M ALWAYS LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ON THIS SITE

I wish I had seen this earlier. I think my friend's situation is very similar. PM if you want to talk. I was wondering if that had happened to anyone else.

WOW...I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR NAME WHILE INCARCERATED. I'M ALWAYS LEARNING SOMETHING NEW ON THIS SITE

Well I can only speak for the state of Kentucky. I don't know if it can be done in all states or not.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.