I love my DR guy,he has my heart but im having these little doubts in the back of my mind that im being used.He asks me for stamps,c/ds etc.I couldnt do this for him at the time as i didnt have a credit card,When trying to explain this to him he said if i cant do these simple things for him then i cant love him,he also said he would never ask for anything of me again.two letters later he asked for money.He never listens,he asked me to visit him.At the moment that is just impossible and told him so,what does he do,sends me visiting forms.Iget butterflies everytime i receive his mail but i also dread it.He is a very upfront guy,but sometimes the things he says can be hurtful.He does say he loves me,but does he?:confused: :confused:

This is a difficult question to answer. If you suspect that you are being made a fool of then perhaps you are. The sad part about it is that some, and I say "some" death row inmates do use people to get anything they can. They profess their love for you and perhaps they really do love you, but when it comes to demands and wanting, and not understanding the fact that you cannot do it, and then still says "if you don't then you don't love him, then perhaps it's time to re-think the whole situation. I was in a similiar situation, but mine was not love, it was friendship, and i was badly burnt believe me. If you are not sure and not upfront with him about what you can and cant do for him, then you need to perhaps as I said rethink this. A few of the guys are users, and this is what gives the rest of the death row inmates a bad name, and prevents other people from wanting to make contact with them.

Good luck with this, i hope you do what you think is the best thing.

As with anything else or anyone else yes deception could occur. And it is not just death row guys. Can I ask you something? How much do you really know about him? Are you much older than he is? Just curious. I would really consider before you get even more involved and hurt. And before you make that Atlantic crossing be more sure of his intentions. I have heard of inmates using ladies in Europe for money. I think this is wrong. I wish you luck. Better days are ahead.

I don't care if you're on the Row or in a mansion, "if you won't do this you don't love me" is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL and to me it's a huge red flag. If he loved you, hon, he would listen to what you are telling him. He may THINK he loves you, because his idea of love is kinda warped, but true love is respectful of the loved one. If I were you, I would send nothing.

I agree with haswtch:)

Haswtch Nailed It!

FOLLOW UR INSTINCTS SWEETIE. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S USING YOU.

As the ladies have said the "if you love me thing is not from a person who loves you. The asking is one thing and when you explain you can't someone who loves you understands and doesn't threaten you with blackmail.

Honey is you think he may be playing you, then it is time for you to step back and look at the situation.

softie

ditto what haswtch says, inside or out... Asking for things is normal.. but his reaction when you said no is telling. It does not mean he doesn't have feelings for you, but it still ain't right to treat a person like that. DR or not, love is a two-way street.

Sorry to hear this. :(

Love is free, and its priceless. The other things he is asking for are material things. Love doesnt pressure you, or make your doubt things.

I would write him a honest letter, dont put yourself in a position, where you feel you have to get him things to be together. If he was outside, and you were together, realistically, you would put your bills and family first no matter what.

I don't care if you're on the Row or in a mansion, "if you won't do this you don't love me" is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL and to me it's a huge red flag. If he loved you, hon, he would listen to what you are telling him. He may THINK he loves you, because his idea of love is kinda warped, but true love is respectful of the loved one. If I were you, I would send nothing.
I agree.

Just to update you......I got 2 unexpected phone calls last night.I voiced my concerns & he had just got out of the hole.He was angry with the world in general,not me.He said he shouldnt of said what he did & he was sorry the way he had been treating me.We have decided 2 start again from the beginning,One day at a time,so fingers crossed this could be the start of something wonderful.Only time will tell.Thankyou PTO.........Rosita,No there isnt much age difference,just 2 years.Im 36 & he is 34:thumbsup:

Rubensgirl
That is excellent news :)

I love my DR guy,he has my heart but im having these little doubts in the back of my mind that im being used.He asks me for stamps,c/ds etc.I couldnt do this for him at the time as i didnt have a credit card,When trying to explain this to him he said if i cant do these simple things for him then i cant love him,he also said he would never ask for anything of me again.two letters later he asked for money.He never listens,he asked me to visit him.At the moment that is just impossible and told him so,what does he do,sends me visiting forms.Iget butterflies everytime i receive his mail but i also dread it.He is a very upfront guy,but sometimes the things he says can be hurtful.He does say he loves me,but does he?:confused: :confused:
I will be straight and tell you that this situation doesn't sound good! Love isn't about what you can do for him. I know that if I could never do another thing for my fiance he would never trip. He did 7 years before I was back in town so he can take care of himself and SO SHOULD ANY MAN! If he doesn't listen to you WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM? I will admit that sometimes their social skills are lacking because of their enviornment but it sounds to me like this guy is out for what he can get. You are going to have to make a decesion about committing your time to find out if it is the right thing or going with the obvious signs that you already have in front of you. Instead of asking for you to give/send him the world he should be apologizing for putting you in a situation where you are forced to be seperated from him.

Do some serious thinking and PRAYING before you get in too deep because its hard to get out. I've seen it to many times and it isn't pretty.

Good Luck and God Bless.

To me, that is like a guy in the real world telling a girl, "If you love me, you will have sex with me." Usually it's just a ploy to get what they want.

Be careful.

glad to hear he recognized his own wrong...but I would still watch my step a little...but wishing you luck. Did he really hear you, or is he just saying what he needs to say to keep you from leaving?
None of us can really imagine what kind of pressure cooker he is living in. God bless you for giving him another chance. Look out for yourself though, ok?

Yeh he heard me,he's been the sweetest guy ever since,but with everything nothing is guaranteed.Only time will tell but all is well & may it continue:)

Sorry to say girl, but it sounds to me like youre being taking for a ride! :( I hope that you are very careful in this situation. Its a sad fact that there's rumours going around the American institutions that us European women have lots of money and that we're willing to dish some of it out to them. :( I'm in love with a guy who started out as my 'penpal'... He has hardly ever asks me for anything. The only things that he's asked me for were photos whenever i travel the world so that he can see it all too. I would send that to him anyday of the week... Thats standard to me.
I hope that everything works out for you and him... I really do. Let him know that you cant give what you dont have.

In the beginning maybe he did think he would see what he could get out of me,but not now,I trust him 110% where me & him are concerned.Its been 9 months now & I havnt even sent him a single stamp & he is still there for me as I am for him.These last few weeks ive been dealing with alot & without him & of course you guys here at Pto I dont think I could of got through it.
We started afresh after what happened & things are great

Thankyou for all your advice & comments:thumbsup:

I'm glad that things are looking up for the two of you. :) Good luck with it all.

ill keep it real, it dont seem like hes oin this for love with you, it does kinda seem like youre being used. if he says things like "if you cant do things for me then you cant love me" then it does kind of sound like hes giving you an ultimatum. so now the question lies on you: do you want a guy who you feel never listens to you, or one who disregards your feelings? you deserve better than that. and youre to the point where you dread getting his letters!!! thats not a good way to feel. me myself couldnt be in a relationship where i felt like that. i get excited when i get letters from my baby. they bring me joy. start standing up for yourself. dont allow yourself to be used. if he cant understand that then maybe you really dont need this guy. thats just my :twocents: though.

glad it's working out for you

Honey, my fiance asks me for money, most of the time joking, because he knows I have none. And when I tell him, sorry baby, have to pay rent. Or sorry baby, have to pay this HUGE phone bill we have somehow come up with...LOL!!!, he totally understands. And that's the end of it. He's happy as long as I'm sending him my love in all the letters he gets. As I'm happy with his letters, being that's all he CAN give. In my opinion, it sounds like you are being used. But I have learned to listen to what I feel and not what everyone says. You go with how you feel. Good luck.

I would write him saying, you should be happy that I'm even trying to reach out to you all the way from the other side of the planet. Tell him that you need him to listen,
See the reason why I would write him back offended is because just because he is on death row doesnt mean he has the right to say all these things that might hurt you. If you love someone it is not just compromise for you but also for him it works two ways.
I think you need to put your foot down and make your point clear before you move on writing about other subjects. Tell him that you didn't like what he did and that it hurted you, just be honest. If he really loves you he can handle and respect that.

I send out mail for my man, and I send him 100 $ every month and if he needs extra's I'll send it to him too. He is always the one being worried about me having enough money actually. He's like "I don't need all the extra things if you don't have the money".
He could live off of noodles if he had to, and money is not an issue to us. We have the most important thing, and that is eachother

I hope things are still going great for you two. True love conquers all!

Let me tell you the deal, as a former federal inmate. The jist of it is, he has found someone on the outside he can still control, because he can't control another man in the joint. See that's is serious confrontation with serious concequences. The man does not love you, he just wants your financial support since more then likely no one else is doing it. My opinion, let'em go it's not worth the headache and aggrivation. As a man, and former inmate I depended on no one. he put himself in there not you, and besides there are so many hustles in the joint if you go with out it's your own fault.

Follow your gut reactions.

It's like a guy and girl get togther...he don't want relationship all he wants is bang bang bang. She wants relationship and he shows he only wants bang bang bang by his cues.

If he loved you so much and said money wasn't a problem-why would he write two letters later that he wants it.
If he loved you so much, why would he trip over that you don't love him if you can't do something simple as giving him money. I hate to say this, but not all of us are financially well off enough to send money that we don't have. It's just reality.

Where is he at that you can send him CDs?

I actually had a situation similar to this one...a guy I write to said something along the lines of, "if you really cared about me you would visit", even though I told him that I couldn't because the DOC doesn't allow you to be on more than one person's list unless you're immediate family. However, we still write and he respects my relationship.

Thankyou for all your support ,I appreciate everyones views on my situation,but its over.He's still calling,I dont pick up ,and his last few letters were not very nice at all but he will take the hint sooner or later,I was hoping we could stay friends,send cards at birthdays,Christmas but that doesnt look possible right now.

**************************{tracy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} may you find someone who deserves you!

I am sorry Tracey! I know that there is someone out there waiting to treat you like the queen you are! much love!

Baby dont be a fool sometimes it hurts but that doesnt sound right please dont let this man bring you down if you feel he's using you leave him !!!!cause like it was said before "LOVE IS FREE" but if you wanna take a chance you never know a good woman can change a man:thumbsup: test him dont send him anything for a while and see what he does

I am not going to play Devils advocate on this one because it did appear to be emotional blackmail. But there is his side as well.

My girl never asks for money but if I don't supply them... who will?

I won't sit back and make her ask for them. Not saying you are in the worng for doing so... just saying his back is against the wall. And the whole "You would if you loved me" act... thats an extremely transparent coping mechanism. He obviously learned that early on life and has not improved on it much.

The best thing to do is exactly what you did. Communicate your side to him. He can either respect your position or cut ties.

Mutually respect needs to be given.. especially when the circumstances are as such.

People in general will cope and manipulate if thats all they know. Does it mean their goal is not worthy? Or does it just mean noone can ever trust that person because they always resort to childish tactis?

That is for you to decide. But talking about it helps.

Just to update you......I got 2 unexpected phone calls last night.I voiced my concerns & he had just got out of the hole.He was angry with the world in general,not me.He said he shouldnt of said what he did & he was sorry the way he had been treating me.We have decided 2 start again from the beginning,One day at a time,so fingers crossed this could be the start of something wonderful.Only time will tell.Thankyou PTO.........Rosita,No there isnt much age difference,just 2 years.Im 36 & he is 34:thumbsup:


Thas great news! I wish you the best!!

Tracey you have to be very careful.My boyfriend in prison did the same with me asked for money, told me the same if you loved me you would share the cost of our phone calls, when I didnt he was nice for a while about 8 months then they start with it again then you say NO again and they are nice then it happens again and then they start with this unconditional love etc. But then there are men on the outside that can be just the same, I agree with the man about them trying to control us, I found that too, he always wanted me to do what he wanted and his way no other way? I wrote to him 4 years the other week I got 4 envelopes full of all my photos no explanation no nothing, and then 15 minutes of verbal abuse down the telephone. I hope that your relationship works out well and I wish you all the best

love sue

PS I have a friend who more or less had exactly the same experience now her boyfriend has put a nasty ad on a website saying she is a nasty jealous woman,
so please be careful?

sue

I am that jealous and selfish woman. Though that inmate has that opinion of me he still calls me and tries to speak with me. Then he is doing his phone games even in the night, let the phone ringe only one time and hang up when I pick up the phone.
That inmate used to write me ii he had his requests that I have done things to let him think about our friend-ship, that was his way to move me to do all his favbours.The last months were full of his blackmailings and in our biggest troubles he used his cousin to email me that he wants to marry me?
Love is not sacred for some certain inmates the use love crap to bother us to do all for them and then their neverending requests for money money and photos and long letters.
When my mother died this man had nothing else to do to ask for daily long letters.
No we are no fools nothing is wrong with us. But still I ask me why I am outside and this inmate who knows the unconditional love without expectations and who is so respectful for all his relations is behind the bars and still keeps fooling his pen-pals.
By the way that man told me not the death of a mother is the worst time of a person but being in the hole (SHU).
I just can say be careful if you are writing an inmate they do use self-pity and blackmailing ti achieve their requests.
I cannot use the feeling that someone else is sending that inmate money and he uses it to call me?

Tracy
I saw your last message afterwards and I am truely sorry that you had to find that out the hard way, there are nicer men out there and they are not all the same ive written to a couple of inmates who never asked me for anything else than a letter.I wish you well

Sue

P.S.
I forgot to mention that there was a report on inmates on the German TV. There was a guard who told that most of the inmates ask their girl to send some sexy photos whixh are allowed in Prison (no nude ones) and plaese write about their dreams about sexual desires. That guard waned the women to do that because most of the inmates are clever men who know how to get some favours from other inmates. With other words the inmates give these sexy photos to tother inamtes for some cigaresttes for examples. They change the sexy letters among other inmates or pass these letters to other inmates who give them some magazines in change. So please take care if some inmates ask you for sexy photos or hot sensual letters. I denied this stuff to N.J.N ( inmate on a pen pal site) and he called me selfish. So I am selfish so what?
Take care
Kerstin

Hey Girl, It Sounds Like He Is Using You. You Don't Have To Put Up With That. You Deserve Better Than Having Someone To Ask You For Things. That's Not Love!!!

The only thing I would like to add to what everyone here has said already is that God gave us instincts for many reasons - one important one is to protect ourselves. If your GUT is telling you that something is not quite right, chances are.....it isn't.

I know these comments are hard to take but everyone is sharing with you....something I think you already know deep inside. If you want to give it a try, then just keep listening to your gut. You will know.....

Take care of YOU.

Watch for your blessings.....Nancy Mae

I think I might just call his bluff and turn the situation around, if it happens again.
How about "if you loved me, you'd understand how much it hurts me not to be able to do things for you and you wouldn't rub my nose in it?" Or, "maybe you're right and we should rethink this. We should just take a break for a month or so and see how we feel then". Then lets see how he feels. Put the guilt on him.

Just to update you......I got 2 unexpected phone calls last night.I voiced my concerns & he had just got out of the hole.He was angry with the world in general,not me.He said he shouldnt of said what he did & he was sorry the way he had been treating me.We have decided 2 start again from the beginning,One day at a time,so fingers crossed this could be the start of something wonderful.Only time will tell.Thankyou PTO.........Rosita,No there isnt much age difference,just 2 years.Im 36 & he is 34:thumbsup:

Just wanted to say congratulations on trying to work things out... and I don't want to be a downer but keep your eyes and gut feelings as open as your heart. I would hate to see anyone hurt.

i agree my pp has never asked me for any money in the 4 years i have know him,follow your heart

Originally Posted by haswtch
I don't care if you're on the Row or in a mansion, "if you won't do this you don't love me" is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL and to me it's a huge red flag. If he loved you, hon, he would listen to what you are telling him. He may THINK he loves you, because his idea of love is kinda warped, but true love is respectful of the loved one. If I were you, I would send nothing.

I So Totally agree........I have a WONDERFUL friend - he used to be on the row and he NEVER ASKED / asks me for anything, and that is a friend. He always is the one to shower me with beautiful stationary, cards even sent me a little present........
Tha's coming from a friend...
So be careful.

Hi I really like the advice given by denverswife tracy and if my one starts again thats definately what I would do

sue