I hope I am putting this in the right fourm, it is about my boyfriend being an addict and wondering how many people who have loved ones that are addicts take part of the blame.
I was talking to my sister today who is also a recovering drug addict her drug was crank. I was telling her how I told Mike that I was still getting over all this pain he caused me by all the lies and things he did to get in prison that had to do with his addiction, his addiction was pain pills shooting them up or snorting them. Anyways I told her that I was telling Mike about how much pain HE caused me with all he done, and she looks at me and says "well you shouldn't blame it all on him, you did find the needles and spoons and stuff and didn't tell him or leave him so part of your hurt you have is from yourself not doing something about it then!" I was like WHAT? no no, I am not taking the blame for this crap Mike is the one who started back on the drugs each and every time no one made him do them he chose to and knew what it would do if the toched them even once. So I was not taking blame becasue I found the needles and didn't "cut him lose" or tell him he needed help. Cause I think no matter what I would of done, he would of kept doing what he wanted to cause an addict don't quite for anyone but theirself.
When I found the spoons I just throw them in the trash hoping it wasn't what I knew it was kind of like if i don't see it it ain't there ya know. The burnt up candles all the time I found about a week before he went in jail so I didn't have much time to think of a way to talk to him about it, and things I did talk to him about that I knew he was hiding or whatever he just made up some lie for. The needles I found the day after he went to jail, and he tole me within about a week of him being in jail that he was hooked on pain pills. I didn't confort him about what I found but the good Lord took care of both of us by him going to jail to fix his life and realize what will happen if he kept doing the drugs. Anyways does anyone else not take the blame for the hurt they caused while messed up. I don't really take the blame because he is the one who lied ,used drugs, and done what he did to be in prison.
Thanks for listening it just got me to wondering after sister told me that I need to take part of the blame, was I wrong for not doing something about itand should I take part of the blame for the hurt did i bring on myself by not doing something about it?

i understand how you feel. what you did is called "enabling". you made excuses for him and for what he was doing. no it wasnt your fault that he was using. that is his addiction not yours! the only thing you did wrong was to allow him to do it around you. you are right he is the only person who can stop this addiction. you or nobody else can do it for him... my example with my husband. he was excuse me is addicted to crack. when i found out about it. i confronted him he said he would quit then when he didnt i threw him out. they have to hit the bottom before they realize they have a problem. he was not allowed near me till he cleaned up. well i thought he was then i let him back in. well i found out he was using again or still and i threw him out for the last time. i told him if you want drugs to be apart of your life get out of mine(i know it sounds harsh) well in the end we were fighting i came home from an evening out and he was hiding in my attack. well i knew he had a warrant out for his arrest so i called the police. he went to jail that night and all in all i saved his life. no it wasnt a good situation at all. he thanks me know for "saving his life"..

you didnt say anything to him because you didnt want to admit to yourself what he was doing. i did that for awhile also. when you can realize that it wasnt your fault he was using you will be ok. you cant fix people they have to do it for them selves. no i wouldnt take blame for his actions at all Its not your fault. forget that info and move on. sounds like his sister doesnt want to admit he has a problem.

ok i have rambled enough.. i am hear if you need me
i have been there and going through the same.

thanks mlk, I needed to hear I am not alone on this. I was wondering though what did you mean by saying I allowed him to do it around me? I never seen Mike do the drugs, I didn't know what you meant by that if maybe you meant I was allowing him to use and not leave him when i found out.
And it was my sister who told me that some the hurt is my fault.
Thaks I may pm you soon cause well I am having a hard time with all that is going on and being able to move on and forget the past and the lies. Thanks so much

Good advice mlk2001, I 100% agree with the "enabling" info you gave. That is what is our responsibility, to not enable our husbands because that is adding to the problem. You know the saying "sweep it under the rug"? People often use that expression when dealing with seemingly "little" things, but eventually, all those "little" things "swept under the rug" sure creates a big lumpy mess!! Love never gives up, and it always rejoices in the truth.

what i meant by allowing him to do it around you was.. you stated that you found spoons and needles and didnt say anything about it to him. that should have been your first sign... when you saw those things you should have said something to him and gave him the door. i know that sounds harsh and its hard to do when you love someone. no you may have never seen him do them but he left evidence for you to find. that is just as bad as doing them in front of you. me in my situation with my husband i brought it up in his face and held nothing back. i agree with oscar714 when you sweep so much under a rug and forget about it eventually there will be a huge heap you cant walk over or around. very well said! like i said girl i am here for you. pm me anytime. dont let his sister say you where part of the pain that was caused. HE DID THIS ALL ON HIS OWN!!!!!!!!!!!! he used not you!

thanks again to both of you.
I understand now what you are saying about allowing him to use, we wern't living together or nothing I was just snopping around and found some of the stuff.
I do sometimes wish I said something to the man about finding that stuff, but like when I found out he pawned my ring I knew the truth and he still denied it and denied so I figured he would do the same with the spoons and crap. But now if I found anything I would confort him. See when he got out of county jail, I found pill bottles all over place I told him I was done I done knew all the lies so he wasnt' going to deny using to me again and I threw the bottles at him and cussed and yelled at him and he just sat there and said, "it is not what you think I am not using" but later the next day he said he was and went and got help at a methadone clinc so I didnt leave him that time either, cause he put me on the information sheet which meant I could call anytime and check and see if he was taking the treatments and stuff.

Anyways I have went on enough about all this. I am not letting my sister get to me by saying what she did, thanks yall are the best

He caused the pain...you share the pain...you are not to blame...he is the one that must choose to stop using, to change...and you will then have to choose to stay or to not stay with him...and to learn how to heal from the pain that he has caused both of you...

You don't need to take the blame for anything. Taking any type of blame for his addiction will take away from him realizing all he has done. It is only excusing and cushioning his addicted mind. My boyfriend was a herion addict. I found needles and spoons myself. I confronted him about it. He would take take off and rent hotel rooms to do his drugs in. He would charge the rooms on his credit card. I went as far as ripping up his check book and credit cards to shutting of the phone so he couldn't contact anyone for drugs. I printed off pictures of people that had died of over doses and I showed them to him. I got him into counseling, but he ended up finding people to supply him with even more drugs. I did everything I could possibly think of to stop him from what he had done. And you know what I realized? There wasn't a thing I could do, but let him go. He was so deep into his addiction that if somebody would have had a gun to my head and said they would kill me if he didn't quit using he wouldn't have stopped. I don't take the blame for anything. Nobody should take the blame for an addicts behavior. He caused you the pain. And you feel the pain because you love him. His sister sounds like she is still in denial of all the pain she has caused her loved ones.

Denim, thanks for the reminder that of I share the pain. I have chose to take a break from him for a while until I can get over some of this pain. That is what caused this disusion between me and my sister. Mike is not taking the break so well he hasn't wrote in two weeks, but hey he is the one that put himself in the situation that led to me having to rethink things between us. I hope that one day I will get over this pain of loving addict. I have started writting about it for me and mike, I am putting down everything I remember and how each thing he did or said hurt me and made me feel. Mike says it is great cause some of that stuff he didn't know I was feeling. He is doing the same thing, he also is writting about his life as an addict. I hope it helps the both of us to get over some pain, and have us something to look back on and remember how much we have overcome together.

Flecky, Yes I think mysister is still in denial about her troubles, she is now divorsing her husband who is an addict and like I said she is trying to stay clean herself. I don't know how is really doing cause she can't tell me why she wanted to quite and she isn't going to any counsling or anything. But she does talk to me about it. I just worry with her being an addict since she was like 14 and now she is 19 that she will turn back to the drugs. And thank you for sharing your story with me. You are a strong woman to realize you have to just let go. You said he was so bad into the drugs he wouldn't been able to quit if someone held a gun to your head, I feel that way about Mike too. He was so far gone the drug had taken totally over he was bad and deep into it. I didn't know it was that bad until he would tell me how much he was using and the amount he had to take at the methdone place to keep him from having withdrawls. But thanks so much for the support everyone and for sharing your story. It all means so much to me.
God bless you all,
Brandi

Misinmike I thought this might help yu it's a poem afamily member wrote ! Explains it pretty good....HUGS
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Contributor Title: A Poem- "Dancing with the Devil" by TR
Tricia

Dancing with the devil

Excuse me sir, but have you seen my brother?
Things have not been the same since we lost our mother.
It’s all so unfair and I just don’t understand
Why he keeps playing the same losing hand.
Our mother used to say in her all-knowing voice:
“If it is to be it is your choice.”
Whenever she said that I used to get mad,
I thought all I ever got was what I already had.
But now I know that just isn’t true- you get what you choose it’s really up to you.
Back to my brother, whom I love very much, it seems he’s been using drugs as a crutch.
It hurts so much to see him this way. I could not take any more so I went away. Now I wonder about him everyday. I hope and I pray he will find his way.
The last time I saw him, he was quite a sight. He did not even look like my brother but a creature of the night. Something sinister had taken over his mind, and you could clearly see
that he had lost his grip on reality,
Paranoia, fear and addiction were his newfound friends, delivered in a syringe of coke and heroin.
I thought his life was coming to an end.
In desperation I asked for help of anyone I knew.
The harder I tried to help, the greater his resentment grew. Leaving him alone to fight his demons was the hardest
yet only thing left to do.
My darkest days followed as I forced myself to let go.
I could not save him this I now know.
My brother is a man who knows what’s wrong and right.
He’s dancing with the devil late into the night.
Perhaps this is the way he wants to live, it’s not my place to say. I just think that somewhere along his journey he had lost his way.
There’s a universal belief that
a man’s destiny lies in the choices that he makes.
The daily struggle with what he leaves and what he takes.
Our mother is watching she’s been down this road too-
A daily struggle with temptation she all to well knew. She left her children with a birds eye view
of the loss and regret dancing with the devil gets you.
She always said it’s a choice
people do what they want to do.
The ones you hurt the most are the ones that love you.

Thank you Thank you ldysirois, I was ready to cry it so hit so close to home. This poem meant a lot to me, I am priting it out to keep. It speaks so true to what it is like to have a loved one lost in addiction. Thank you so much for sharing and for the hugs it all means a lot to me.
God bless you
Brandi

Your so much welcome I hope it will help! My neice wrote this about her mother and brother! Which her mother has passed away now and her brother is still hangin on to drugs..

misinmike,
sorry, you are going through all this...
i hate how drugs destroy wonderful people, and the suffering their families and friends go through...

of course, there is no way, for even a minute this has anything to do with you, other then going through the pain of what he did and said while he was in his addiction...

that is cool you are writing...it will help in so many ways, and the fact that he is willing to write about his life as a drug addict is awesome...huge first step to recovery...

i hope your sister stays clean!! as everyone said, her comments came from her own issues...maybe, she is still blaming others for her addiction..

i am a recovereing addict, and i had to hit a hard rock bottom, but somehow, divine intervention i believe saved me...for i reallly was a hope to die...but, you know suddenly one day, i said no more, and i had no where to go, my family was sick of rescuing me, enabling me, but mainly realized no one could save me, but myself...but, once i surrenderded my life changed...i lived in rehabs, i then went back to college and so on..i was clean for 8 years, i then had a very short relapse, but, the guilt, and not wanting to loose everything i had rebuilt especially the relationships with my family....i quickly told my therapist...that was almost 2 years ago....now, i am on the other side, my man is a hardcore addict...he is in prison...and staying clean....

i have been through a lot with him, and healing from the paiin he caused me by his words and actions...i have set my boundaries and i am sticking with them..and, he can't play with my emotions...because i am a recovering addict, and i know addicts bs, and their thinking...i also after getting clean was a peer counselor for recovering addicts..

please pm me anytime..
and, i can see that you know the power of prayer is amazing=}
fondly
francis

Does anyone have rough statistical information on addicts that have recovered due to attending church regularly? I would start going and would encourage my man to go if I knew it would help with his problem.

Wow, am so glad that so many are understading of this particular situation. My fiance and I have been together for about five years now and there are a lot of things that I have learned over that time in terms of how to deal with his drug addiction.

Have you ever seen that commercial where this girl is standing on a dock and there is a girl drowning in the lake and the girl on the dock turns her back and lets her drown. To me, that is what someone is doing if they know a loved one or friend is using and they do nothing about it or stay in denial. I made that mistake several times, he told me he was using and I just tried to be there for him and didn't call or tell anyone. I thought he would be pissed if I turned him in.

This last time I felt like he needed to learn his own lesson and that I was not responsible for what he did, he was off of parole so I thought that there was nothing I could have done anyway.

I know now, that I was enabling him to keep doing what he was doing, that I gave him no consequences for his actions. Since he has been in he has made me promise that if I know he is using to call his probation offficer or to take him to the police so that he can go to jail and take a break and re-focus. I should have called his old probation officer when I knew he was using, granted jail isn't always the best, but sometimes it is what is needed.

When he comes home, and if he relapses I will not hesitate to pick up the phone and call for help. It keeps things from getting worse. I finally did turn him in latter when he when he told me he was going to hurt someone. He thanked me for saving his life.

If your boyfriend, friend, parent, whatever. . . lets you know in some way that they are using, they are asking for HELP. If you find spoons, needles, or drugs they are asking for help, some of them get in so deep they do not know how to get out and their subconscious mind makes them leave clues around so someone will step in.

As far as success rate related to church attendance, I know that those who go to church and keep going even after they have a long term of sobriety under their belt, have a much better chance or recovery. I do not know specific numbers, but I also think that not going to some sort of meeting, function, get together etc. . . lessens ones term of sobriety.

Things like meetings and services make someone feel included and valuable (unless it is a bad group) and that is usually a good thing for anyone.

Take care all.

I'm a recovering addict myself, and Eddy and I both walked that road to hell together. A LOT LOT LOT of people blame him for getting me hooked on meth, and on the surface I suppose I can see why that would be; I didn't do drugs for years before I met him, though I'd dabbled a bit as a teenager and young adult. But he NEVER, EVER forced me to do drugs, that was MY choice. Before either of us knew it, our "weekend warrior" crank habit had become a fullscale, fullblown addiction, which cost us everything, including his freedom and almost our marriage and kids. I'll celebrate my 3rd anniversary of sobriety on the 31st of this month, and with a clear head I can look back and say he did NOT create my addiction. He may have enabled it, but that was a 2 way street, because we were both doing plenty of enabling of each other. Misery loves company I guess.
In any case, confronting an addict is difficult. They're in denial, embarrassed about their behaviors, and don't want to hear it til they're ready to face their own demons...and even then, it's hard to hear from someone you love what an @$$ you've been. An addict is a master at lying and denial and rationalizing the irrational. I'm not sure what I'd have done in your situation, if anything different. What I do know is, it's NOT your fault that he's an addict, any more than Eddy's to blame for my dependency or I am for his.
PEACE
Kim

We are each the captain of our own ship. I don't care if I was enabled or not. The choice was mine to quit or not. No one is to blame but myself for my own actions. I have chosen a different road the past 15 years but my hubby chose a different course. Was I aware? Yes. Could I do anything about it? No. To quit or use was his decision. I made a conscious decision to not watch him kill himself and told him he would have to find somewhere else to live. He had 3 days to pack his shit and move. Unfortunately, the cops beat him and me to the punch. I believe in some kind of warped way that his arrest saved his life. If he as much as looks like he's going to use again when he gets out, he's on his own. I have nothing left to lose. If he wants to try a new direction, I'm right here and waiting. Blame? He has no one to blame but himself. If I have been a fool to wait for him, I have no one to blame but myself....oh, maybe those big blue eyes of his...