My Fiance has a history of being abusive to females.. So far (2.5 yrs)he hasn't
been abusive to me. I do know that one of his exgirlfriends is an alcoholic and drug addict she was just as abusive to him.. even stabbed him in the leg with a knife.. but he also abused his daughter's mother and even went back to prison when he was on parole for slapping a girlfriend back in 1996.
What are the chances of him being abusive to me in the future.?. He treats me with respect now. and tells me I am the only girlfriend that has amounted to anything.. Having a career, owning a house.. and not a druggie or alcoholic.
I want to know the signs to look for.. He isnt controlling, he trusts me

I think it depends on the man, but yes they can and do change their abusive behaviors. My first husband did. After he beat me into a coma (I was 8 months preggers), he changed his ways. It was too late for US, but we divorced and he remarried. He has never laid a hand on his second wife and they have been married 31 years now.

My husband aslo was in an abusive marriage - on both sides. He and his wife both hit each other. Yet he never hit his former g/f and I have every confidence that he won't be abusive toward me.

They can change if they want to... it sounds like your fiance has. Sometimes there are warning signs, sometimes not. If he's treating you with respect and isn't controlling, I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and work on being happy together. If his attitude and demeanor changes, then its time to be wary and talk to him about it... but talk to him anyway... let him know that you are leary! Discussing your fears will only help the two of you work on those issues.

People do grow! I dated a man for 19 months who had abused people in the past, but then his mom died and various other things made him stop and think. We had some bitter arguments and I saw him check himself a time or two. Like anything else, if they want to change for THEMSELVES, they can...

Mrsd
thank you for your response. I'm glad I found pto. and am able to get some opinions from woman, that have been through things like this and have first hand knowlege about these things. Now I am more optimistic about my relationship with L

Haswtch,
thank you for your input..and to point out people can change do to circumstances and just growing up, like i wrote to mrsd
its nice to get opinons from people that do have knowlege on this subject. I find
a lot of people dont think they can change and pretty much tell you to give up on them..

my sister dated a guy who we had known for a long long time. before he dated my sister, he had been happily married. his wife passed away.
he was very abusive to my sister. now im not saying any woman deserves to be abused...but my sister would provoke him to the point that any HUMAN... male or female would just go crazy. i really do think that my sister just brought out the worst in him. i am still friends with him, and he is in a loving relationship, and married again.
he isnt anything but a gentleman to his wife.
so yes, i do think that men can be abusive in one relationship and not in another.

Thank you, ladies, for this thread. I too believe that people can change when they are willing to change, but sometimes it's "h*ll" finding the support to see it through. Whatever the case, I firmly believe that the change will happen when they/we buy into it and make it our own. :thumbsup: :)

This was just the thread I was looking for, my fiance was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict where they were both abusive to each other, but he was the one that was incarcerated. I didn't meet him until he was out of prison for a year. We have been together for 1 1/2 years and this is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. I have been previously married twice with three children and have been looking for signs that he is going to do it again and I've seen him upset at others, but he is in complete control with me, I guess I'll just have to keep any eye on the situation.

Thanks of the insight. I do believe that there is hope and that people are different depending on the other person in the relationship. I'm not saying that anyone deserves to be abused, I'm just saying that some people can bring the worst out in a person and some people can bring the best out in a person if it is there.

Mish

My boyfriend was also in an abusive relationship where they both abused each other.During the 15 plus years I have known him and dated him off and on he has never so much as raised a hand to me.

Yes people can be different depending on the dynamics of a relationship. My father was abusive when he was with my mother. They seemed to push each others buttons. But, they have both been remarried twice and neither of those relationships were abusive. They are like different people once they divorced.

Some of the signs to look for are listed in the following link.

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/abuse_signs.html

Luann...I do think that men can change their colors in different relationships and I will hope that your guy continues to be the sweet gentleman you've fallen in love with.

That being said, however, I thought of one of my penpals when you were describing your guy. He tells me how much he likes to be in control and how he is always the dominant one in a relationship. It's hard for him to be dominant when he's the one in prison and I'm the one in the free world, ya know? He and I aren't dating but it just really makes me raise an eyebrow as to what he'd be like to date in the free world. I definitely see him as a potential abuser...

Again, I hope that's not the case with your guy :)

Interesting thread.....I have only come across one abusive man but he was only abusive when he'd drink. When he wasen't, he was a very respectable man....who liked to drink haha. Not funny. Anyways, I don't know if he could be different with another woman but I was smart enough to get out early. Years later we became friends again....he bent over backwards paying for me whenever we'd get together - I think because he felt guilty. I think he could be a good man to someone someday cause he's sweet when sober....but I'm not sure, since we have now lost touch! Last I heard he was in prison for assults! If he would just quit drinking it would be a start!

I do believe people can change. I was married to an abusive husband, and he was abusive with the two marriages before me, he has been abusive to his current girlfriend in the past. But I had a injunction against him and when he violated it I had him taken to court. The judge wanted to throw him in jail. I asked the judge if he could give him a choice: jail or getting help with his anger and abusive ways. The judge just looked at me. He said: ma'm he has a injuction sheet a mile long(from past marriages also) and he hasn't seemed to learn his lesson and I think jail would show him how to solve his anger problem. I told the judge with all do respect I think he needs help more than he needs to be put in jail....He went to therapy and angry management classes and abuse classes. He still has a temper, but he doesn't hit her anymore and they seem real happy.

my sister was dated a guy for about a year. he had never put his hands on her, actually he was afraid of her and he would beg me and my then boyfriend not to leave him alone with her (lol) well this girl that was suppose to be my sister's friend at the time started coming around him. he ended up leaving my sister for the friend. and not long after, he started beating the living day light out of her. every relationship is different, but people can change.

When I got with my boyfriend that is all I heard from others is that he will get mad and hit you. We have been together for 3 years now and this year has been awful for the both of us. Everything that could go wrong as gone wrong! Started out New Year's we were at a party he left the party and come back and I was passed out drunk on the couch he grabbed me and cussed me and asked me what I was doing there and not at home. I came up fighting because I didnt know what the heck was going on. First fight! Second fight, I went out to a bar by myself he came and found me basically kidnapped me and I was kicking and screaming all the way home. Was drinking again!!! Third and final fight I was at his sisters house having drinks with his sister, he called looking for me I was mad at him and wouldnt tell him where I was (really drunk too) he found me came in the house knocked me around and gave me a black eye, then went and busted my car mirrow and I was trying to protect my car and he hit me with his fist right in the face, busted my face up I landed on the ground, paramedic were called, went to the hospital in ambulance, left ER because didnt want to be there winded up going right back to him that same night. Why because I feel like none of this would have happen if I wasnt drinking because other than that we get along great. It still doesnt give him the right to treat me like that. I guess I am telling you all this because it does have a lot to do with the person you are with!

men are not abusive in all relationships because the abuser violent behavior is associated to his alleged love for his significant other and vows that he will never do it again, he doesn't know what came over him, all he knows it that he loves you. men just like women are not likely to fall in love with everyone they meet from the opposite sex its love turned into obsession and possession and we all know that with a violent individual we mustn't put a limitation or expectation on how violent he may or may not become after the initial abuse took place.

What I say is, once an abuser, always an abuser unless he gets help on his abusive ways. And there is a very small percentage of men who change even after an abuser program. It takes at least 2 years if they are motivated to change, and most of the time; abuser programs just teach an man to be a better abuser. Anyone who doesn't believe this read "Why Does He Do That?" " Inside the mind's of angry and controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. And: "Ditch That Jerk" " Dealing with Men who Control and Hurt Women." by Pamela Jayne My prayers are with all of you who are in your own denial about your relationship with an abusive man.

I'm with mjwyogini on this one. Either people use violence to resolve issues or they don't......

I agree with everyone on here, that they do change. I dated a guy four years ago that abused his wife of 8 years and then his wife of 5 years. I heard the stories from different people in his life. I said he would never do it to me. He wasn't at first, but he turned VERY abusive to me. I had to get a protection order and send him to jail. I'm not saying your man is going to do that, just telling my story.

I think that it depends on the individual guy. My kids dad was only ever abusive to me. For what reason i really dont know. I cant say that i EVER provoked him. All his other girlfriends after me have never been abused by him.
Then there's my youngestson's dad... he has always been abusive to girlfriends and even his female family members. Everyone is scared of him!

I think it depends on the the relationship the extent of the relationship how old was the abuser when he committed the 1st assault if he was younger and inexperienced with relationships by not knowing how to communicate his feelings like children do he used violence to vent his frustration of the situation and the fact that he could not successfully express his feelings and other people are just abusers they have beat everything they claimed to have loved from their mother, you, the kids, The family pets & any one who dared to cross their paths

My handsome man has ALSO had a history of being abusive with his wife, but from what I have heard from him and others, she would beat on him and he would defend himself. She would stick her head in the oven and threaten to blow up them and the kids and he knocked her out to mitigate what she was doing. I have seen nothing of the sort with me.

My husband had a rough first marriage never hit her, the second marriage he was abusive to her, I am the third ( 3rds a charme) lol and is very respectful to me and my family after 5 years he has never showed any abusive behaviors so you just never know!! good luck and best wishes

It is true...they can change. But only if they truely want to, and you are true to yourself~>this means sticking to your word by never ever, ever allowing him to treat you without love, and respect. It doesnt matter if that is all he claims to know, or ever if he says you deserve to be hit. NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. I know a few couples who live thier life this way day in and day out. He does something that gets her mad:without knowing it, she doesnt like it, she starts yelling, he doesnt know whats going on and feels attacked for no reason, he tries to leave, she follows him cause shes furious...yelling and screaming at him all the way to the curb. The neighbors come out side to see whats going on, he becomes embarrassed, and at the same time angry, irratated, attacked, and no doubt all of these feelings mixed together he can sometimes see no other way to shut her up. Or in other words make all of this uncalled for, and unessasary drama go away... so he hits her. Believe me when thier is drugs and/or alcohol around the situation becomes 10x's as bad.

I think it depends on who you're with. I had an ex who used to lecture me all night long but I just let him ramble and never gave him a chance to fight but, the chic who replaced me liked to push his buttons and he's been to jail 3 times so far.

My current boyfriend used to fight with his old girlfriend but she was a fighter and would also hit him. They fought all the time. We have never even had harsh words.

I think it depends on who you're with. I had an ex who used to lecture me all night long but I just let him ramble and never gave him a chance to fight but, the chic who replaced me liked to push his buttons and he's been to jail 3 times so far.

My current boyfriend used to fight with his old girlfriend but she was a fighter and would also hit him. They fought all the time. We have never even had harsh words.

My man has been in relationships where he has hit the woman he was with. He has never hit me out of the 5 years that we have been together. We have had some severe issues and he has never hit me. I even ran into his car, which was is baby, on purpose and he forgave me. One time he turned around quickly and almost hit me by accident and he apologized even though he didn't even touch me. I think it depends on the relationship and the level of respect that you have for eachother.

You may push the guy's buttons, or trigger him, while other women don't happen to push those particular buttons that set him off.

I have seen this happen in relationships over and over. Often, they can be totally different.

My husband was...no let me rephrase that is a drug addict...which ultimately led to his incarceration...during our time together prior to his arrest he was mentally and at times physically abusive...there have been times i was frightened for my life as well as that of our then unborn child...even after she was born...i want to believe that it was the drugs that drove him to do and say the things he did...whenever he would pick up a bottle of alcohol i knew what was soon to follow...the need for a greater high...and the appearance of "that other person" who i didn't recognize as the man i loved...when he wasn't high or fighting to get high he is the most loving caring man you can imagine...i refused to marry him before his incarceration because of the abuse and drugs...yet i married him three months ago after his sentencing...i ask myself why everyday...i keep hoping that by being in prison he will realize what the drugs was doing to him...to us...and that when he finally is released things will be different...i love my husband and want to stand by him and keep our family together...but i do know i can not go through the abuse again...and pray that when he finally is released i won't have to worry about it...maybe i'm a fool for believing things will be different...only time will tell i suppose