Abeygayle
07-20-2004, 11:55 AM
My son is a very violent offender. He tried to kill 9 policeman after a chase in a stolen car.
He shot at them, they shot back. They did not miss.
After counting it was between 195 and 250 bullets that went into the stolen car.
Five bullets went into my son.
He fired one into his head.
He will not get out of prison and is deemed to be very violent, very dangerous, suicidal and severely brain damaged.
It has been quite a ride for myself and his step brothers and sister.
Anguish at learning of the event two days later. Not being able to get medical information from my x husband.
Learning his father had refused to see him at last years T Day celebration.
What a web has been weaved by uncaring bio parents.
My remaining anger is directed right now at the son for doing such a stupid senseless act.
And I will never know why he did it as he does not recognize anyone.
He does not remember what happened but is classified as very dangerous.
So much rattling around to sort out.
One conclusion I have come to is this.
My time cannot be spend on figuring out the why. There is no answer and never will be an answer.
So my time is going to be on remembering a small child I took into my home as my own son when his mama abandoned him.
I figure he was my son during the good years.
And I am trying to place blame on no one but him for his actions.
But it is hard.
Tears are almost over. A bit of Anger is left, for now.
I have read many posts and I truly am glad that I can see a bit further than just the anguish of knowing my son is in reality dead with a living body.
I do wonder why the docs kept him alive, he has no purpose to his child or to his girl friend.
He is a drug addict. He will be taken care of at a state hospital for the rest of his life. No responsibilities, no need to work,
Eating and sleeping is his life.
And I do believe a calm is descending over me when I realize he is but dead.
But it does take time to come to that conclusion.
And I am the lucky one.
His bio parents are now paying attention to his cries for attention that went unheard for so many years. Now that he is no longer able to recognize them they are paying attention to him.
What an irony. He is finally getting what he wanted for so many years and he is not there to see it....
Me? I loved him as my own from 3 months to 17 years.
I was the lucky one as I am learning to be at peace with what has happened.
And I no longer question every day why... it is down to once a week or so that I don't sleep.
The crying is gone, the heart break is gone.
My son is violent, he was sentenced to 105 years. He was also deemed to be incompetent to stand trial.
He will always be my son, my violent son.
And I do believe it is ok not to love what he has become. Learning that is also OK.
To say he is my son is one thing, but to say I will love him regardless of what he does is another.
Right now I don't love him.
And that is OK.
He shot at them, they shot back. They did not miss.
After counting it was between 195 and 250 bullets that went into the stolen car.
Five bullets went into my son.
He fired one into his head.
He will not get out of prison and is deemed to be very violent, very dangerous, suicidal and severely brain damaged.
It has been quite a ride for myself and his step brothers and sister.
Anguish at learning of the event two days later. Not being able to get medical information from my x husband.
Learning his father had refused to see him at last years T Day celebration.
What a web has been weaved by uncaring bio parents.
My remaining anger is directed right now at the son for doing such a stupid senseless act.
And I will never know why he did it as he does not recognize anyone.
He does not remember what happened but is classified as very dangerous.
So much rattling around to sort out.
One conclusion I have come to is this.
My time cannot be spend on figuring out the why. There is no answer and never will be an answer.
So my time is going to be on remembering a small child I took into my home as my own son when his mama abandoned him.
I figure he was my son during the good years.
And I am trying to place blame on no one but him for his actions.
But it is hard.
Tears are almost over. A bit of Anger is left, for now.
I have read many posts and I truly am glad that I can see a bit further than just the anguish of knowing my son is in reality dead with a living body.
I do wonder why the docs kept him alive, he has no purpose to his child or to his girl friend.
He is a drug addict. He will be taken care of at a state hospital for the rest of his life. No responsibilities, no need to work,
Eating and sleeping is his life.
And I do believe a calm is descending over me when I realize he is but dead.
But it does take time to come to that conclusion.
And I am the lucky one.
His bio parents are now paying attention to his cries for attention that went unheard for so many years. Now that he is no longer able to recognize them they are paying attention to him.
What an irony. He is finally getting what he wanted for so many years and he is not there to see it....
Me? I loved him as my own from 3 months to 17 years.
I was the lucky one as I am learning to be at peace with what has happened.
And I no longer question every day why... it is down to once a week or so that I don't sleep.
The crying is gone, the heart break is gone.
My son is violent, he was sentenced to 105 years. He was also deemed to be incompetent to stand trial.
He will always be my son, my violent son.
And I do believe it is ok not to love what he has become. Learning that is also OK.
To say he is my son is one thing, but to say I will love him regardless of what he does is another.
Right now I don't love him.
And that is OK.