OMG things are just going from bad to worse in our marriage since he's been home. I just need to vent. He has been calling everybody on the planet and today I got the phone bill, yikes! I am so p**ed! Then when I told him about it he just yelled at me that he pays his bills and not to worry about it! How can I not worry about it when he already owes me so much for electric, phone bill from last month, etc. etc! And today he gave me no grocery money when he got his paycheck because he said he didn't have any left over! I really am feeling quite hysterical and I'm afraid when I get home from work tonight we are going to have a really big fight! I asked him to leave twice already and go find somewhere else to stay because I just can't handle this but he says he's not going anywhere. What am I to do? He is such a leech I can't believe I am married to this idiot! He does what he pleases, and he doesn't listen to me about anything, and like I said it's getting worse and worse. Of course I could be the one to leave but why should I? It's MY house! Then I am afraid if I really push it I don't know what he will do. I really don't want to get the police involved, I don't want to go through all that drama and have him end up back in prison. I just wish he'd go away and leave me in peace and quiet. Help! Advice anyone?? I'm freaking out! Not to mention he treats my house like it's his, some of his weird old friends came by to see him while I was away one evening. Nobody asked me if I minded. I am really leery about any old friends he has even if they never were in prison and he knows this but he could care less.

Well...how long was he in, and how long have you been together? I would say it is very stressful to have bills pile up and no one care to help with them. Sounds like he has a job, but what else is he spending his money on? Doesn't sound like he is helping out at home. Take a deep breath and then start to make a list. On one side list the good qualities, and on the other side the things you can't live with. If the "can't" side is bigger than the "good" side, it is time to kick him to the curb. Life is way too short to spend it being stressed out over things you have control of. And you have control over him being there or not. I know you don't want to get the police involved, but how much longer are you going to be held hostage in your own home? He is the one who makes the decision on who you have to contact to get him out. If he had any sense at all, he would leave. Please do something about your situation soon. You sound like you are on the edge of being desperate. And I am sure you are way too nice a person to live like this. Good luck.

Well the first thing you can do is have your phone turned off and get yourself a cell phone and don't let him know you have one. Next don't buy anymore food, most men will not stay somewhere that there is no food :) Most important is sleep by yourself. You might also tell him that while he was out the police came by and asked you who the people were that were visiting at your home the other day/night :) that should take care of his friends.Barb

Isadora,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

I am really concerned for you, if this is continually escalating, do not worry if he ends up back in prison, YOUR SAFETY AND WELL BEING COMES FIRST!

Go see an attorney the first chance you get! I mean it!

See what you can do to have him removed from the house.

If at anytime, you are concerned for your physical safety or if he is aggressive towards you in ANY FASHION, calmly leave the house and go to a neighbors and CALL THE POLICE!! I SAY AGAIN CALL THE POLICE!

Do not worry about him, worry about yourself.

We are here for you,

Patti

OMG that is exactly what I have been thinking that I feel like; a hostage in my own home! You hit that one right on. I did stop buying the groceries, I said "Well if you don't give me any grocery money then I am not buying any groceries this week". I did think about having the phone turned off and just using my cell phone but I guess I am a little afraid of him and am just trying to keep things peaceful right now and hoping he will move on or things will get better. He was locked up 14 years, we have been married nearly 4 and I have known him for 6 years. But we have only been living together since he got out 3 1/2 months ago so I guess I really didn't know him after all. I do feel desperate ladies.

Oh dear it really sounds like a nightmare. Hopefully something gives because it doesn't sound good at all. Good luck!

If I am presuming, forgive me, but I am hearing you say that you are too afraid of this man to protect yourself physically, emotionally, financially as well as what you have worked hard for (your house and your belongings). Any relationship based on fear is slavery and you sound like too nice of a person to have to live your life in this manner. Do you have any male family members who can help convince him that he needs to leave? Please be safe and do not hesitate to call the police when your physical safety is in jeopardy.

I am so sorry that things have not worked out as you planned. It pains me that you appear to be living in fear of him. Noone should ever have to exist that way. Please get some help for yourself if as you say you really want him out of YOUR home. Don't beat yourself up about it. I realize that is easier said than done but you really have to put your own health and welfare ahead of his. I hope you will be able to solve this predicament quickly and wish you strength, peace and joy. If you ever want to vent, chat or whatever I am only a PM away...

Stay Strong,
Patty

What an awful feeling to have in your own home...sounds like you need a plan right now to protect yourself...if he isn't listening to you...will he listen to someone else...stay safe!

OMG things are just going from bad to worse in our marriage since he's been home. I just need to vent. He has been calling everybody on the planet and today I got the phone bill, yikes! I am so p**ed! Then when I told him about it he just yelled at me that he pays his bills and not to worry about it! How can I not worry about it when he already owes me so much for electric, phone bill from last month, etc. etc! And today he gave me no grocery money when he got his paycheck because he said he didn't have any left over! I really am feeling quite hysterical and I'm afraid when I get home from work tonight we are going to have a really big fight! I asked him to leave twice already and go find somewhere else to stay because I just can't handle this but he says he's not going anywhere. What am I to do? He is such a leech I can't believe I am married to this idiot! He does what he pleases, and he doesn't listen to me about anything, and like I said it's getting worse and worse. Of course I could be the one to leave but why should I? It's MY house! Then I am afraid if I really push it I don't know what he will do. I really don't want to get the police involved, I don't want to go through all that drama and have him end up back in prison. I just wish he'd go away and leave me in peace and quiet. Help! Advice anyone?? I'm freaking out! Not to mention he treats my house like it's his, some of his weird old friends came by to see him while I was away one evening. Nobody asked me if I minded. I am really leery about any old friends he has even if they never were in prison and he knows this but he could care less.hello there I have been reading some of your post and you seem like a real nice girl and I hope everything works out for you and honesty I think you married a man you didnt know which can happen to anyone he fed you what you wanted to hear while he was inside now he is out and sound like an ungreatfull jerk If you dont mind me asking how did you hook up with this guy I mean being a nurse and all how did you meet an inmate. just a question any who dont jeaprodize your pride or your safety you come first no matter what if he really loved you regardless of how long he has been inside he would respect your feelings and wishes no matter what as far as the baby mama drama i would tell her that the kids can call anytime they want but if she call your house again you will put a phone harrasment charge on her thers no reason for her to call i asume as long as he has been away the kids or kid is old enough to use the phone alone and doesnt need mommy to help him or her any how just my opnion A woman should never ever live in fear of a man ever he clearly isnt right for you love is built on trust respect and honesty fear in no where in the picture well sorry to vent if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me I am always her to listen

Have you tried counseling yet? If I remember right, he was innocent of what he was in for for 14 years.... He has anger and resentment and is still transitioning as well.... Counseling for him will help so much-- so each of you separately and then jointly..... Please try it before you give up...

Deb

Isadora,I have read your posting and I'm sorry you're not happy. You said you were married, but in your posting you said "I" and "Mine" alot, and you said he won't listen to you, do you think maybe you two were apart too long, and you were on your own too long and just maybe you've out grown each other? If you really want to get rid of him, have a no contact order served on him at the same time the divorce papers are served, if that doesn't work, you may have to move yourself and then fight for the house.

Buddy

if he was in 14 , u have known him 10 , i assume all contact has been visits , phone and mail in all the years u been with him , (( if im wrong i apologize )) i would say sit back and write a letter , explaining we need to talk about the living arrangement , the fact that u say u are scared of him , bothers me , but perhaps u used that word (( litely ??)) for lack of a better one ??
transition from the ** inside ** out is hard enough , day to day life , lil things in life with all couples add up (( no matter if they have been ** away ** )) the everyday day living arrangements can be very stressful at first (( they always say u never know someone til u live with them )) try to talk to him , and reason with him , i also agree if u all have been a team , the ** our home ** ect should be the correct verbage , its kind of a slap in the face (( a constant reminder )) to someone that couldnt be there to help with all that , due to the situation , maybe if the home food ect was ** ours ** he may want to pay ** our ** bills ????

just some thoughts , but be safe , first and foremost !!

(((((((ISADORA))))))) I am so sorry that you are living like this. Like others have said, I believe you should try to write to him first, tell him how you feel, your expectations and that you would like to go to counseling (that's if you really want to hold your marriage together). IF he doesn't respond to your letter and change then I would suggest you do as someone else has already suggested and serve him with a protection order and divorce papers, then call the police to have him removed. You cannot continue to live unhappy and in fear. You sound very sweet and I can tell you must love your husband. I know sometimes it is hard to tell the one you love that "they have to change or else", but for sometimes for our own safety we must do so. PLEASE CALL THE POLICE IF HE GETS PHYSICAL WITH YOU. You do not deserve anyone physically, emotionally and mentally abusing you. YOU are a better person than that. I will continue to pray for you and your loved one. I don't know if you are religious or anything, but I suggest praying about it and asking the "higher being" to give you the answers you need and the strength to do whatever you need to do to keep you. PM me if you need to!

Shona`

I agree with DEB and also QQ
I do not agree with others telling you to leave him and get away from him, to call the cops and lawyers, don't you think that is over the top? It is not going to help but make a person more afraid in this situation. And I know many will be against me for this but I want to say this.It is not fair for us to alter what you need to do for yourself, Isadora, it is your life and only you know what you need to do and what is best for you, none of us here can tell you that. We can advise what we would do, but only you know him.

I read you other threads on another page as you know....
I am sorry but what you are both going through is normal and I do not think you should give up on him...You have known this man for 6 years and he is your husband and you love him, he loves you, right? But you think nothing of kicking him out of your home? BUT IT IS HIS HOME TOO, those are your things TOGETHER, you are married and you got into this knowing it would be hard right? the man needs help and not for you to kick him out and call him names. He has been in jail for 14 years and home for 31/2? think about the numbers.

I am not saying it is ok if he abusing you, not at all I have been in that situation many many years ago, so I speak from experience.

I am just saying he needs help, and you need time, it has only been 3 1/2 months, and he was incarerated for half his life...! You need eachother now more than ever!
I know he is doing some crazy things and things that are wrong, not to excuse those at all, and he needs to be corrected right away, so the question is, is he willing to get help? if not and he does not care, then I say, ok, he has to go but sit and talk to him when you are both calm and ASK HIM. He does not know alot, give him space to mess up if you can....change the words from YOU to US. if nothing works, then you take steps to get him out.
And I know you need help too, have you read anything on this, about what he is suffering from, about how you can get support to help you cope too?
can family help you and him? can you both go to counseling soon?
I sent you some info and so did deb?
Marriage is worth working on if you love eachother and you are both worth it in my eyes.
NO, he is not right for hurting you and making you feel so bad, and it is not fair for you to be suffering so bad, I do feel for you, but I also have a husband in for 14 years, and I have been with him 4 years and married 1 year. I can feel for both of you.

it hurts me to see you in such pain and to hear you also say this about your husband. I know you are stressed and angry but you both need to get help.
please forgive, I do care.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this and send a big ((HUG)) your way. The first thing I would do is call the phone company and turn the long distance off! If he really needs to call that many people he can buy a $5 phone card.

You do sound like a hostage in your own home, and I would follow the advice of BSS who said tell him the police were by questioning who was visiting your home. Do you have neighbors?

If I am understanding correctly he was incarcerated for 14 years, you have been married for 4 years (you married him while he was on the inside?) how did you two meet? If this is something you truly want to stick out recommend couples/marriage counseling. From the sound of your post it seems you are afraid to do or say anything that could possibly set him off, how would he take it you telling him how you feel?

This is a dangerous situation you are in and must get out. I only see things transpiring into a more difficult scenario. You can try using the word "ours" that may have a different scenario. Have him give you so much $$ from his check and then you apply them for whatever bills or necessities. Keep your health, sanity and life protected that is of the utmost importance. And though you don't want any law enforcement involved you have to do what you have to do for YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF first!

If after speaking with him and he refused to change or compromise or work things out, you no he is selfish and you have to take the same attitude for yourself. If you need anything feel free to PM me anytime, you are in my prayers to give you strength.

this is terrible and im so sorry that you are going though all this. you have to do whatever is going to bring you happiness. if thats going to mean trying to work things out with him, then try. but if thats going to mean you leaving him, then you have to go. you should not live like a prisoner in your own home. please if he puts you in any type of physical danger you must get the police involved. my thoughts are with you and i hope everything work out.

Mrs. G, that was well said :thumbsup: (((Isadora))) Your pain is heartfelt. I pray that you both seek counseling and that the "I" becomes, "Us & We." I'm not saying that you should or shouln't be together. I just think marriage is sacred and that all avenues should be exhausted before throwing in the towel. It's only been 3 1/2 months of being home with each other as compared to a promised lifetime commitment. You both deserve a chance to improve on the relationship. Loving a so-called "free man" who has never been in prison is not easy either. It damn sure is challenging to be in-love with a man who's been incarcerated several years. And of course he has alot of anger due to him being locked up for something he insist he was innocent of. I am not justifying his behavior. I just don't think a few months is long enough to get over 14yrs. of imprisonment. I pray that God blesses you both with the strength & courage needed to overcome yet another mountain/road block. Stay strong, you are not alone.

Oh wow. I do not meen to sound terrible, but you waited for this guy. You sound like a very sweet person that knows what she wants. Get out of it before he starts to change you. Real men take care of there families not destroy them. Good luck with what ever you deside. Its your life make sure your happy.

((Isadora)) I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. My husband has been home for 3 months now, and I have to admit it has not been an easy three months. There is an adjustment period that I don't know how long will last, but I am hanging in there. I have to remind myself daily that he was locked behind bars with all decision making and rights taken away from him for 5 years. Your guy has been away much longer than 5. The free world, and all the perks can be very intoxicating to someone who has had the basic things we take for granted everyday suddenly given to him/her. Please understand that I am not condoning his behavior in any way, shape or form, I encourage you to do what is best for you, I only want to share some of what I have had to come to terms with. I don't want to force my opinion on you at all, just offer an ear to you as I am dealing with the newness of
having a husband home after incarceration and trying to learn to live together..Keep your head up and stay safe.

When distance keeps relationships from growing together, a "fantasy" relationship in ones mind can begin. I know a girl whose boy friend died shortly after the relationship began (separation) and the longer he remained dead (in prison, in your case) the greater a human being he became in her mind. He eventually reached martyr status on the 4th year of his "departure". No man is now good enough for her, since her unrealistic expectations of a new man can never reach the status obtained by the dearly departed. I guess what I'm saying is, the longer our loved ones are away, the greater they become in our minds. I'm not saying your concerns are not real, or important, just that perhaps the shoe size he stepped into once he stepped out of prison was too big. The perfect gentleman can actually be the "absent" gentleman. His mere presence can burst the bubble of Kingliness" our fanatsies have grown into during the absense. All that psychobabble said, RUN!!! GET THE HECK OUT OF THER#E!!! You have everything to lose, he has NOTHING to lose. God be with you.

Well the first thing you can do is have your phone turned off and get yourself a cell phone and don't let him know you have one. Next don't buy anymore food, most men will not stay somewhere that there is no food :) Most important is sleep by yourself. You might also tell him that while he was out the police came by and asked you who the people were that were visiting at your home the other day/night :) that should take care of his friends.Barb

Good answer!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isadora,

I've been thinking about you all day long. I have to agree with Deb.. maybe you two need to sit down and discuss it and try some counseling! Would he be willing to do that. You both have been down a long bumpy road.. AND I think Dave-O had some excellent insight.. even if it doesn't fit you and yours.. its something to think about!

What ever you choose.. I wish you the best!

SAlly

I feel for you but you DON'T deserve this..........I would tell him to leave and if the police have to become involved so be it.......after he leaves maybe you could try counsling if YOU want it to work.........If he don't agree then maybe it wasn't ment to be. BE CAREFUL......

I am honestly hurt and sadened by the women in here telling Isadora to leave him, that she should not have waited for him, to call the cops, "RUN get away from him", and all of that. That is not good advice. That is just crazy, and I hope she does not listen...to any of us and just goes with her own decision to go or not....we should not be influencing her on what to do, we are here to listen.we are here to support...Not to scare her even more. I mean come on...Texashoney, your post was heartbreaking to me and I am not even Isadora.

I hope when I am in her position someone will be there for me and not tell me to send him back to jail...because marriage is hard work, and with a man in jail for 14 years you want her to just give up? you stick by them for years but when life really starts to hit---you tell her to walk away?? I mean no one is saying, take any abuse, like I said before....but they need support....
he needs help! She needs help. the solution is to kick him out and send him back to jail? no way...

It breaks my heart and makes me worry myself just by reading your old signature about never giving up, but if I was faced with this decision, I wouldn't know what to do. If he really is a loser, than let him know what his choices are. If he knows there is a chance of going back to prison, especially without your support while he's there, then maybe he'll go away peacefully??

You guys are just awesome and I thank each one of you for your kindness in taking the time to read my posts and then answering them. I appreciate all of the different viewpoints and options and am thinking them all over! It helps so much to know I have such great SUPPORT here at PTO! WOW! Because you guys understand totally what I am going through right now like no one else does. I can see some truth in everyone's opinion! Yes I knew this marriage was not going to be an easy thing to do when I entered into it. I did not realize that we would go through such a rough 'period of adjustment' however, for one I guess I really did not understand the extent of what prison does to someone in regards to taking away their ability to make decisions among other things. I mean still after 3 1/2 months when I ask him "what do you want to do tonight?" the response I still usually get is "oh I don't know". I am not ready to call the police because I just feel like that is too drastic and over the top right now. And I am ambivalent about wanting him out I guess. When we have a bad day I really just want him to go away but then other times when it's not so bad I want him to stay. And he hasn't been physically abusive to me. I think he well remembers what I told him when we first got together which was "If you ever hit me even once that's the end of our relationship....period." It's just all the other crazy stuff! I feel overwhelmed by it all! To joni - I had to stop and think when you made a reference about I had been treating him badly...well I really don't think so. He even tells me I treat him like royalty. But I can see how I might just need to give him some space and get off his back about stuff; I think I have been doing that sometimes but it's mainly because I am feeling so pressured myself. I do have to keep reminding myself that he did just spend 14 years locked up, for some reason I keep forgetting that! I think I do agree with the advice to give it a little more time before totally giving up on him and our marriage. He did go to church again today and said he loved it there! So that was really great and afterwards he seemed in an upbeat mood for a change. Hopefully he can meet some people there and develop some friendships and some other support besides me! I will definitely be looking into some counseling for me and him; he said he will go. It's his failure to LISTEN to me or respect my wishes at times that bothers me the most. For instance I had some yard work I wanted him to do. I told him what I wanted done and how I wanted it to be and you know what? He did it the way HE thought it should be, not the way I wanted it. He does stuff like that all the time and it drives me nuts. Well the thing about OUR stuff vs. MY stuff is because it IS my stuff! He moved into my house, he didn't do anything to help me get that house, it belonged to me already when I married him. So I guess I do feel like it is 'mine' and not 'ours'. I don't know how to change that feeling quite yet! Maybe after he has been out longer and we have been together longer I can start feeling like things that were 'mine' are now 'ours' instead. The problem is like Dave-o said I have everything to lose and he has nothing to lose. I have worked hard for all of my stuff and I don't mind sharing it all with my husband but I do want my wishes about it respected. I'm not like cowering in fear of my husband or anything I'm just cautious because I know what he could be capable of if he wanted to that's all. And most times I can feel what he is feeling even if he doesn't say anything about it and sometimes he is feeling SO angry! Yes I have discussed what I am feeling with him, all the time! Just sometimes like I said I don't think he HEARS me, he just lets it go in one ear and out the other. Well I will just go one day at a time at this point. Again thank you all so much, your replies meant alot to me and it helps so much to know you are all there for me if I need you to lean on or to pm! You are all just great!

P.S. Mrs. G your compassion touched me so much it made me cry!

Hi Isadora...I have been reading this thread and everyone's responses with great interest. Hopefully I won't prattle on with my two cents for too long. I am not going to take on your entire situation, just offer a couple of light suggestions.

First question of mine is--have you ever been married before? I ask this because my ex-husband [who never did time] ALWAYS answered "I don't know" when I asked him what he wanted to do when we went out! Used to drive me crazy until I realized that he didn't really care...so I just started saying "We are going to go see this movie and eat dinner here, ok?" and if he didn't like the restaurant I picked or didn't like the movie, he would tell me and then we would modify our plans...men aren't good at verbalizing stuff like we women are.

I don't know about where you live, but here in Miami, the Sunday paper usually publishes a calendar with social/cultural events upcoming in the next week. Have him read it and pick some things he might be interested in attending.

Also, about the yard work--THAT IS SO TYPICAL OF "ALMOST" EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET!! That drives me crazy, too! You sound like a very strong, smart woman. I know that we think "our" way is the best way [and it usually is :D but we never tell the men that!!]...but, if I had someone here raking leaves or mowing my lawn, if they didn't do it the "way" I usually do it, I would be grateful that at least someone was doing it for me and try to not be too critical of how they did it.

Oh yeah, here's something else I gleaned from a male co-worker...men don't listen to us...they think we talk too much!

Anyway, I am glad your husband went to church. He definitely needs to make some friends. Maybe he could learn a hobby/sport where there are other men and strike up friendships there. Like a lot of others have said, be patient with him...men are like grapes...it is up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they are acceptable to have with dinner [wine]!! :D

Wow hey girl, I so sorry it has turned out this way for you! I think every one else said what i would have said, Best of luck to you girl

I agree wholeheartedly with Mrs G..... :thumbsup:

because marriage is hard work, and with a man in jail for 14 years you want her to just give up? you stick by them for years but when life really starts to hit---you tell her to walk away?? I mean no one is saying, take any abuse, like I said before....but they need support....
he needs help! She needs help. the solution is to kick him out and send him back to jail? no way...

Isadore, It is your desion and it does seem like a hard one for you to make. My heart goes out to you cause I know you have been waiting for him to come home, and like all of us we wish the home coming will be a good one and when it's not it's a huge bummer. If your serious about wanting him out and he won't go, you can always call his parole officer and talk to him about it.

Good luck, I truly hope it gets easier for you.

Isadora, your situation touched me...so I am speaking from my heart truly...
I was touched by your story because my husband has been locked up, as I said, 14 years so far, when he gets home it will be 16 years in there about...and we have been together since 2000, when he gets home, we will have been through this for 6 six years... there is no way I would give up on us after all of this, we are gonna make it! And for me I want you to make it too, with all my heart and I do not even know you, because when you make it, we all make it! when you fall, we all fall!

Girl, do not give up! Hold on....

you sound better today and he does too, maybe you could go to church with him...

pm me anytime and I will send you my email address...

God is with you and all of us if you believe! Goodnight!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. BUT, this is probably really hard for him too. Here he is fresh out of prison after 14 years of incarceration. In prison you don't have all of these "choices" and decisions to make. You don't have bills or responsibilities. When you married him I'm pretty much hoping you realized that. Also, when you married him, you guys became one. But yet still so far you've posted twice that I've seen and you are very stuck on this whole "MINE, MINE, MINE, theme. How can he be comfortable, when he has to ask your permission to have company in what should be the home that you share with your husband? He's desperately in need of your love and support, and being that he's fresh out of prison, he probably feels that all he's getting from you is a bunch of nagging and bickering. I guess my main point is, don't give up on your marriage. You saw something in him when you hooked up that made you love him. Think back and try to remember what that was, seek counseling, and most importantly, you have to stop dancing on his manhood with all of the "I, ME, MINE" stuff. A man needs to feel like a man and I'm quite sure he's aware of the fact that you can do just fine on your own. He just doesn't need it thrown in his face all the time. I'm not trying to offend you or be mean and I hope that's not the impression that you get. I'm just shocked at how many people are telling you to run for the hills. Marriage takes work, especially in our situations. Stay strong and whatever you choose, I wish you the best.

I know this is not what you wanted it to be like. But what is it you really want? You have your husband home and I'm sure this is what you have wanted and prayed for for so long. This is all new for you both. It's got to be hard for you, now having to share your home, after being on your own for so long. But it has got to be hard for him too, knowing that he has nothing that belongs to him. It sounds like he can't even do the yard to please you. Maybe you could let him take care of the yard the way he wants it done. At least he could feel that he has some kind of control in something. I don't mean to sound mean or anything but if you love him and I mean really love "him", you would be so happy to share everything with him, even "your home". I know that I think of our house as ours. Just as everything that I own, I feel that it is his too. He is still not home but should be any day now. We have been married for a year and a half but together for about five. I have been on my own for a long long time too. Everything I have, I have worked hard for it. But I know that I love my husband so much, that everything I have, own or whatever, belongs to us both. I would give my husband my last $, my last peice of bread but I know that he loves me and would not take it. I'm sure if your husband loves you, he will come around. But you have to remember that he has not been able to "work" for real "money" and he doesn't yet know how to handel it. He has not had to worry about bills in a long long time. He will lean the value of money once again I'm sure. I feel that there is something that is very important, you must first share your heart before you would ever want to share your house. After all, a house is not a home without love. I do hope this all turns out the way you want it to. But don't except to much to fast from a man that has nothing to give but himself. He has been let down, put down, walked on for fourteen years, so I'm sure that it will take a little more that a few months to get back what he has lost. If you love this man, don't give up, help him get up and try again. Good luck and I wish you the best!

I am sorry you are going thru this. I dont know enough of your situation to give advice, all I can offer is my prayers. I will keep you both in my prayers.

I had a mixed reaction to to this post. When I first read it, I thought "Uh-oh", because it sounded like he was sliding rapidly back into a lifestyle that was going nowhere, and if he doesn't want to help with the bills he needs to live elsewhere, period. Also, it sounded like you had completely made up your mind that it was a mistake and were ready to cut your losses. Since you have mixed feelings, counseling is definitely in order. He needs to realize what responsibilities he has to meet, and you need to learn to give up some of the power you were forced by necessity to assume. I did have to laugh when I read your complaints in your second post. I have never been married, but have been with my honey for 17 years, so doing the yard work not in accordance with instructions and not having a plan for going out were just funny to me- the other ladies are so right- that's just men, once they get comfortable they're pretty much all like that! Maybe when you were corresponding he was full of fantasies about the things you'd do when he got out, but most of that is just passing the time and putting yourself somewhere other than behind those bars. Once you're actually home with the remote and a pizza, who needs to go anywhere? Don't give up yet (you say you're not actually threatened, just frustrated), your adjustment period has been pretty short in the scheme of things. I still see some hope here- good luck whatever you decide!

Counseling is needed for BOTH parties, but in the meantime a legal seperation may be needed even worse.

I'm with the folks who say give it some more time and effort on both sides. Hey, at least he DID some yard work:) I think prison probably gives most people a good case of post-traumatic stress disorder, especially people who didn't do whatever it was that got them there.

I have been on my own for a long long time too. Everything I have, I have worked hard for it. But I know that I love my husband so much, that everything I have, own or whatever, belongs to us both.

yes, I totally agree! me too! he is family! we help eachother,even now, what is mine is his, what is his is mine...marriage is about working together and sharing everything, good and bad, chores and pleasures too. If he feels like it is his he will work damn hard for it, and if he doesn't, that is when you start to question what you need to do for yourself.

You have given me some thought-provoking posts guys, thanks! Lesleyslady you asked me what did I want. Well I think I want to be treated like I am someone special to him and I want him to make me feel that way. Right now he is making me feel like I am the maid or something! Maybe like he is using me somewhat too and it makes me feel resentful! I have given this marriage 100 % plus some so far I feel, and I want to feel that he is doing this too. I know he has alot to deal with right now being back in the world, but come on, how much does it take to make your wife feel like she is loved and cherished and you are happy to be with her finally? I am not asking for him to buy me things to show his love, just do it in whatever way he is able to. And for whatever reasons I don't feel he is. I know the stuff I wrote about the yard work he did sounded trite when I complained that he didn't do it how I wanted it. But that was just an example of how he ignores the way I want things all the time! It doesn't seem like he tries to please me, it just seems like he tries to please himself and that bothers me. Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement and support, I need them!!!!

Isadora I'm feeling you. You deserve 100% as well. You should write him a letter so he can't interrupt and tell him what you feel. Don't let him make you feel like crap honey. If he is not willing to compromise and/or refuse counseling i would...

well you know... CURB :( I hate to say that because your siggy says never give up. But i heard a mesage that said rejection = direction.

If you are feeling used and he is not helping out, you need to talk to him if you have not already, he may not be able to pay all the bills but he can do laundry and cook, clean, or at least share the chores with you. He needs to be talked to as if you are in this together if he does not know, but he should know he needs to help out some way.

My husband loves to do the dishes, I know he is not home yet but on our trailors he is the one who cleans everything and he loves the dishes, and he even likes to cook and he will draw the bath for us, wash my hair.

he has to want to help out and not have it forced on him, but also, he should be wanting to help out being that you were there for him all these years, it is only the right thing to do, naturally, not that it is owed to you, but that is the way it should be when you live with someone. That might be a hard concept for him....but what does he think, that you will do everything, ask him? talk about sharing chores weekly. and talk about bills, TALK about everything.

then again,he does not need to be taught how to clean, my husband washes his laundry by hand for the last 14 years and I am sure yours did too,maybe he is slacking to rest and that is ok, but then again, IT TAKES TWO! if he is only in this for him you have to check it now when you have the chance too.

I know I am only talking out of my behind cause my man ain't home yet, I am only talking out of once having lived with a man and he was a man who did not do JACK either, I learned my lesson. This situation is different for you because he has been locked up for so long, he went in as a child and children do not have jobs and most had no chores or cares or responsibilites so he needs to learn them as an adult after being in a controlled enviornment it cannot be easy for him, yet he does not have to act like a child anymore, he is a man...

did you find out about the counseling or any ex inmate orgizations near you that willl help you both?

i do not know how long you and this guy been together but if you have been holding it down while he was in prison he needs to be more thankful for you than the crap he is hand out to you. if you are scared of the guy and do not want to get the police involved ---think about if you get so fed up and you and he has a fight and you ended up in jail or in prison. you know how many WOMEN are in prison today for defending themselves but did not want to get the police involved because they did not want their man to go to jail but straight up tell him look you have been on the grind while he was not there making sure that all would be in place once he is home and that he can not come home and ruin things no matter how long he has been incarcerated he has to have more respect for you and what you have accomplished while he has been in prison. stand strong and up for your self. :thumbsup: good luck!



OMG things are just going from bad to worse in our marriage since he's been home. I just need to vent. He has been calling everybody on the planet and today I got the phone bill, yikes! I am so p**ed! Then when I told him about it he just yelled at me that he pays his bills and not to worry about it! How can I not worry about it when he already owes me so much for electric, phone bill from last month, etc. etc! And today he gave me no grocery money when he got his paycheck because he said he didn't have any left over! I really am feeling quite hysterical and I'm afraid when I get home from work tonight we are going to have a really big fight! I asked him to leave twice already and go find somewhere else to stay because I just can't handle this but he says he's not going anywhere. What am I to do? He is such a leech I can't believe I am married to this idiot! He does what he pleases, and he doesn't listen to me about anything, and like I said it's getting worse and worse. Of course I could be the one to leave but why should I? It's MY house! Then I am afraid if I really push it I don't know what he will do. I really don't want to get the police involved, I don't want to go through all that drama and have him end up back in prison. I just wish he'd go away and leave me in peace and quiet. Help! Advice anyone?? I'm freaking out! Not to mention he treats my house like it's his, some of his weird old friends came by to see him while I was away one evening. Nobody asked me if I minded. I am really leery about any old friends he has even if they never were in prison and he knows this but he could care less.

I definitely agree with QQ and Deb. I went through some of your other posts just to get a feel for the kind of person you are and I have to say that you have to remember the only person you can change is yourself. You only have control over what you will do. When I first read your post, about the phone situation I wondered why doesn't she just get him calling cards, they are so cheap and you can get several hundred minutes for cheap. Either he's just trying to adjust to finally being home wanting to re-connect to what was familiar or his just a jerk.

But I thought marriage was suppose to be about compromise and shared life as one. I think both of you are having a hard time adjusting to the togetherness after so much of your relationship being moreso apart and very separate. You two probably envision life together much differently than it has occured in reality.

Also he spent the last 14 years of someone telling him what to do, when to do it, how to do it and now he's having to adjust to having his wife do the same to him. I'm sure it's freaking him out. I'm not saying not to have some type of understanding or rules of the house but to nag him is probably just going to make the situation worse.

If you are just fearful of the man and are totally not interested in working things out then by all means do what you have to to make yourself happy, but if it's worth it to you, I'd try counseling.

Just my two cents.

MJ

what I want to know is why so many people post without reading the whole thread first. Just my two cents. It would help to read the whole thread so you will know the whole story and what has been said.

MissOne how did you know he interrupts me when I try to talk to him!?!?! That is so true! And to the others yes I do try to talk things over with him and I always let him know where I am coming from and how I feel about stuff. All those things you have suggested that I tell him, I already have. So, yes, you are right, the only one I have control over is me! I learned that when I went to Al-Anon a while back. That's such good advice. So I guess it's just a matter of what I'm willing to put up with, once I see really if he is seriously going to try to work this out with me or not. We have good days and bad days right now, up and down. Today I was so p**ed! We were having a really nice day, no fights, really trying to get along. Then he called me at work and just happened to mention that he has $100 in his checking account! Remember that I posted previously that he did not give me the $50 this week that he agreed to give me every week to help out with the groceries? He is 6'3" tall weighs nearly 300lb. at times and eats like a horse. So I thought that $50 was reasonable. He has a little job and only makes $6.50 an hour right now. He didn't give me the $50 cause he said he was broke, as he just bought a van. So I was mad but believed him. Now today he tells me he has this $100 in his checking account that he's saving to give to his brother who he borrowed $100 from to help buy the van. I'm like......"when are you going to send it to him"? He said "as soon as I get his address, but I really don't have to send it to him till the end of the month". I was floored. Today I did his laundry with my own money and spent my money at the grocery store getting him a few things he wanted, hamburger, potatoes, not much just $13 worth but still! So when I started to check him on hiding this money from me he said in a really nasty tone of voice "I TOLD you I'm giving you my whole check this week!" Then I said "Well, I think my break at work is over now", and he hung up on me!! I'm trying just to let this go and not fight about it with him but I am seething inside!!! Again thanks for listening you guys, you really do help me, no one understands why I am even with this guy except you!

It sounds to me like he is feeling controled. And maybe not your fault and only mental but it could be how you talk to him, and he feels controled maybe because he has spent almost half of his life being controled by people, he is rebeling all control. he needs to have his own identity, and be a man. he still has to get used to sharing things and paying bills, since he never has before.
I am sorry it is so rough, it will work itself out. Let him be, and tell him to let you be too. :)

Take a deep breath. Have the phone company cut off the long distance only, and leave local service. Tell him they did it because your bill was too high and your deposit not high enough. (sorry ladies but I'm down with a white lie here and there) and yeah, where is his money going? is he doing drugs? if he is doing anything illegal or hurting you physically, i wouldn't waste one more second on him and get a restraining order if he's a problem. if not, maybe things will settle down. Sounds like he's just "off the chain" as my guy would say, and he's been in a long time so maybe his adjustment is just terrible. We care about you and are here for you. Take care of yourself. No kids, right?

i thought this song fit this....

When You Really Love Someone
Alicia Keys

I'm a woman
Lord knows it's hard
I need a real man to give me what I need
Sweet attention, love and tenderness
When it's real, its unconditional, I'm telling ya’ll
Cause a man just ain't a man if he ain’t man enough

To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong
Take you higher when the world got you feeling low
He's giving you his last, cause he’s thinking of you first
Giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll

Cause you're a real man
And Lord knows it's hard
Sometimes you just need a woman's touch
Sweet affection, love and support
When it's real its unconditional
I'm telling ya’ll, oh
Cause a woman ain't a woman if she ain’t woman enough

To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong
Take you higher when the world got you feeling low
She's giving you her best, even when you’re at your worse
Giving comfort when she's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll

Sometimes you're gonna argue, sometimes you're gonna fight
Sometimes it's gonna feel like it'll never be right
But something so strong keeps you hold’n on
It don't make sense but it makes a good song
Cause a man just ain't a man if he ain’t man enough

To love you when you're right
Love you when you're wrong
Love you when you're weak
Love you when you're strong (Love when you when you’re strong)
(Take you high’a) when the world got you feeling low
He's giving you his last, cause he’s thinking of you first
Giving comfort when he's thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone
I'm telling ya’ll, I'm telling ya’ll

Take a deep breath. Have the phone company cut off the long distance only, and leave local service. Tell him they did it because your bill was too high and your deposit not high enough. (sorry ladies but I'm down with a white lie here and there) and yeah, where is his money going? is he doing drugs? if he is doing anything illegal or hurting you physically, i wouldn't waste one more second on him and get a restraining order if he's a problem. if not, maybe things will settle down. Sounds like he's just "off the chain" as my guy would say, and he's been in a long time so maybe his adjustment is just terrible. We care about you and are here for you. Take care of yourself. No kids, right?Hee hee, Mary- I'm all for honesty but I'm afraid I've done exactly that- it eliminates the problem and bypasses the fight!

MissOne how did you know he interrupts me when I try to talk to him!?!?!

Because he is not hearing you and doesn't think you are hearing him. Isadora i think your honey truly loves you but...

NEway,

try to have some patience with him, but let him know you DEMAND honesty and that he be a man of his word. If he told you yes to $50 for grocery he should have honored his word or explained why he couldn't without becoming defensive with you for checking him on it. My son tries to turn the tables on me like that when i check him. My daughter says it his defense mechanism. But we deal with it. He got mad at me just this weekend and left home. Isadora, he always calls me at work like nothing happened or he was right. We talk about it and we move on. That's my baby. But he has to recognize I AM the Momma and NOT YOUR FRIEND. Your honey needs to recognize that you ARE his friend, woman, lover, companion... all that, and treat you as such. I think after you lay it down and stick to it, he will be OK. Just be sure you check yourself as well. Kill that man with love and kindness and watch God show up and show out. If the bad still outweigh the good... CURB ;)

Yeah I think he is 'off the chain' allright! That's a good way to put it! I think I will wait and see if he comes up with the money for the phone bill or not; if he doesn't and just keeps making all these calls and not paying me for them then the phone will definitely go! I have my own cell phone so I will just use that. Time will tell I guess! Mrs. G that is a beautiful song!

Have the phone company cut off the long distance only, and leave local service. Tell him they did it because ...

I have done that too, but i don't reccommend it. That was not a good relationship for me because i felt I needed to lie to keep the peace. :( I won't do that with Daddy. :D We keep it 100% real with each other even when it hurts, but we like it that way. :thumbsup:

No Mary, no kids with him. He has 5 teenagers that he made before he got locked up but we don't have any of our own. Yes I do need to take a deep breath and move on with another day! Killing him with kindness is a good idea, wow he is so defensive all the time, that must mean he is so fragile inside or something. Wow this marriage is really, really hard work! I was married before to a teacher, he was totally different but yet not!

my point in posting that song is, as couples, we have to give and love eachother unconditionally, not one person giving and another just taking, not one loving under certain conditions and resenting the other because their needs are not met, it does not work like that. We gotta give love to eachother or what is the point? a good man will take care of you and a good woman will take care of her man, he comforts and so do you...that is how it should go. It does not matter if he is locked up either. "he is giving you his last, because he is thinking of you first"
I stress to those of us with men locked up still, if your man just takes and takes while he is inside and does not give, they will not give when they come home either. am I right? I think so. If he has 10 cents and I have $100...does he offer me his last 10 cents?

I stress to those of us with men locked up still, if your man just takes and takes while he is inside and does not give, they will not give when they come home either. am I right? I think so. If he has 10 cents and I have $100...does he offer me his last 10 cents?

YES!!! Mrs. G You Are Right I think Daddy would offer me his last. Because HE KNOWS i wouldn't take it. :)

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I just can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Hope you will keep in mind though the upmost important thing is to keep yourself safe. Perhaps it is just going to take a while longer for the adjustment.

I sure wouldnt want to be the one to call the police to get my husband thrown back in, however, if I felt my life was in danger I would in a heartbeat.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

This is weird, there were 5 pages of replies but now there are only 4. There are a bunch of posts after this one that are missing, what happened?

I actually replied here and I guess we said something wrong, because it looks like we were cut!! SORRRRY!!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't someone tell us if we were cut? Thats strange.. I wish I knew what I said, so I wouldn't say it again....Rona

Here's my 2 cents....
My was husband released March 21, after doing a 11 months. (first and last time inside!!) We were married wayyyyyyyyy before he went in. He often told me...in PRISON everyone has a story, everyone is whomever they choose to me. Example: Pimps: having lots of ladies..(but NEVER recevie money or packages), Bigg Time Drug Dealers: with lots of money in the bank (with empty lockers) etc. (you get my drift)
I say all this to say.....this man was pretending to be what he is NOT! He was pretending to be someone he knew YOU needed! And it worked!! Like any other woman in love, I am sure you sent money, packages..made his stay as comfortable as possible..
But...he was NOT in the REAL WORLD....you were! I feel he just USED you...if I may be blunt!! Its NOT your fault. Its NOT to late to fix this. I suggest you let him GO! Why continue to let him use you? Its just a matter of time...he will leave! He LOVE his FREEDOM...and he should..........but NOT at your expense!!

May GOD continue to BLESS you and yours....

What you describe is someone who is not able to have a marriage with you. He's been in long enough to be institutionalized and that's a big enough battle for him to fight. He shouldn't even be trying to deal with a marriage till he gets some serious therapy for what prison did to him. You can either devote the rest of your life to trying to fit yourself around what obviously isn't working for you, or you can do something else. I advise doing something else.

***I'm just cautious because I know what he could be capable of if he wanted to that's all.***

No, you just think you know what he's capable of if he wanted to. He might not ever be capable of that at all even in a best case scenario. It's your idea of who you hoped he might prove to be and who you perceived him to be in a romanticized view. He might not ever in a million years have that in mind for himself, either, so even if he ultimately could be it, he might not want it enough.

What I think you need to do is ask yourself if you could live this way for the rest of your life, and if you couldn't, then take the steps to separate. Tell him that if he's willing to work on therapy for himself and then couples counselling for you both later on when he's gotten his own issues out of the way, you'll work with him on making the marriage work but not otherwise. Back way off and come at it from the only sensible angle.

I spent my whole adult life following the advice of people who told me the same things you're being told here. I finally nearly lost my life trying to "suffer all things, believe all things" and all that. A woman does NOT have to become a doormat and keep enduring treatment that's disrespectful and unfair to her. And she absolutely should not ever live in fear of her husband. She has every right in the world to separate from a husband, even in a fundamentalist Christian marriage, and stay separated till if and when she can see whether the marriage is going to work out so that she's an equal who is respected and cherished and who doesn't carry all the load or have to fear for her safety. Marriage isn't spelled "m-a-r-t-y-r-d-o-m". God never intended that.

Toi ama, I disagree with you on a few things you say here...my husband has been inside for a long time too, 14 years so far almost 15 and he is a great guy, a great husband - good to me, and to others--
And although he is institutionalized so are all of them, it only takes a few months to do that to someone. Any man coming out of there needs support and maybe even therapy and certainly a man who has done 14 years. This does not mean they all behave this way because of a long length of time spent in there, and that this is acceptable behavior. They do what they want to do with the time they spend in there, to improve or not. Like we do out here, some of us NEVER CHANGE.

I think that she has been given great advice from a few women I am not sure who you were refering to-- not one of us told her she should be treated like a doormat, and certainly not me, that is for sure, (actually I think most peeople here told her to kick him out)

I have been there and done that myself so I speak from experience when I give advice, I tried to understand both sides from what she has said here, and from the information she has given us here, and not tell her what to do.

I understand her husbands side, only because of my husband being there that long and thinking as if he were my husband. I asked her to give him a chance to adjust, I never said and I do not think anyone here said she should be a martyr, where did you get that from? Christian marriage? who mentioned that?

Just so you know, I am very certain no one treats me like a doormat including him and I would not approve of any women being treated badly EVER.

If he is using her and she is really that afraid of him and has been all these years- abusing her--not working--not trying to make things better---then yes, by all means, get him out, but that is her choice, not ours.

I only went by what she has shared here. To be honest, more and more comes out as more posts are posted but regardless, I stand by what I said. I was trying to be compassionate for both of them.

K..this scares the shit out of me cause....I have been with J for almost 3 years...we are trying to get married but only off the relationship we have had while he has been inside. He has been in 10 years in September and we have never been together outside. Very similar situation to yours! This is my BIGGEST fear.....I have no doubts that we love eachother 100% now...but it's different living with someone outside! How do you know if it will work...you can't possibly!

My heart goes out to you....you waited all that time and for what....you think he's an idiot and pray that he leaves you! That must be so hard for you. AND I bet the people around you that were negative through the whole 6 years are saying "I told you so"...just what you don't want to hear!

I'd really like you to keep in touch....my heart is with you! Stay strong and remember you are number #1.

It takes time for them to transition when they get out even if they've been in a shorter time what about 14 years.... Therapy helps....

Deb

please do not be scared! This should not scare anyone into thinking their man will do anything like this --or this is how it will be for everyone, or that it cannot be worked out for some people--just because you have never been together out here or how long he has been there....that is not a fact. But it will be hard, and any man coming home will need time to adjust.

I also want to make it clear here that I never meant to condone any behavior that is abusive or life threatening to anyone, or to condone anyone inside using women ...
so if I missed something I apologize. My first thought was not to throw him back in jail, I am sorry.

Deb, I really agree.

Some of my thoughts;

When we wait for long times (like 6 years or whatever) we become very independant in our lives. Men express their love differently than we do. Women are thinkers and men are do'ers. We talk....they solve. When he did the yard his way....he was showing love for you. He wanted to show you what HE could do for you. I bet it crushed him that you didn't like it and were angry.

I think if you are going to do yard work on the home you SHARE....plan it together. What do you think we should do? Well what if we try this? How do you feel about that? Working together is better than working against eachother and it will feel like an accomplishment for both of you when it's complete and you'll both feel good.

I'd say 90% of the fights J and I have are because he feels I am not listening to his suggestions....he says I am always shooting down his ideas. I know he puts alot of thought and energy into trying to make our life better and easier. But I am so independant that I have trouble changing the way I do things. Thats how I've always done it so I forget that he may have something to offer that MAY be better than what I have done all along. Thats our struggle....me accepting the possibility of change and him understanding my struggle with that.

I am also very "whats mine is mine" and I know that will be a problem because he will be sharing MY things with me if he is to come home to me....I need to accept that and want to share with him. One thing I think I will try is moving somewhere new when he comes home.....somewhere that was not MINE before but will be ours together! Other things like my car and my other stuff.....will be an adjustment that I will have to make but I don't want him to ever feel like it's not his home too and I pray for the strenght to making him feel completely at home.

Your feeling the way you are....but imagine how he feels knowing that everything he touchs is yours and nothing is his! That is not a good feeling either....would you want to live where you felt you were an intruder? For 14 years he had to ask to go to the bathroom now he is free and has to ask you if he can use the phone.....get me!

I am not sure about the phone calls but I think instead of freeking when the bill comes...I'd say; I know your friends mean alot to you so what can we do to keep the phone bill within reason for you? Don't tell him he can't make the calls or can't afford them....figure out how to make it affordable, TOGETHER. The phone cards are a good idea too.

It is an adjustment....there is no doubt, but I am learning every day and getting ready to help J through the transition cause I love him more than anything and his freedom and happiness means more to me than any of "my stuff" does.

I hope I was able to help a little....stay strong!

I have to agree with Mrs G about replacing the you to us.. I was thinking the same thing I did that when I was married I know its hard to change it was for me... Its just that you have lived alone for so long thats why you do it... And know you have him back in your life just for a little while and it will take time to get use to living togather. Just fine the right moment to talk to him explaining what your concerns are. Just the way you are talking about him it sounds like he has a one way mind and that about (him) So he is thinking I this and I that too not us. Anyways just my opinion .Just keep this in ur mind things happen for a reason and they all work out for the best.... Good luck!

God bless each one of you and thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions as I go through this difficult time! OK...........as my husband and I go through this difficult time then! First of all let me clarify, I am not afraid of my husband,he has never been physical with me, he has never even called me a 'bitch' or anything else! When I said I was being cautious I was referring to the fact that he is 6'4" tall and weighs nearly 300 lbs. at times; he is a big, BIG man! He also spent 14 years in prison as I have mentioned and has been in numerous fights, etc. over the years if for nothing else than protecting himself from those who wanted to see if they could take him down. So if he ever lost it, well....you know. I have had several friends who have been physically abused so I know what it's about. But so far he has been nothing but a gentle giant with me. Except for the arguments. And even then he shows good self control actually cause when I can tell he is feeling SO angry then he doesn't let it go any farther or let himself get out of control. He just gets real quiet and refuses to say anymore or else he just tells me in no uncertain terms "knock it off". And I do. We have fights about nothing it seems sometimes and he is extremely stubborn and also gets bossy too! "Do this, do that", you know. So I have to remind him that I am not the friggin maid, etc. The problem is I am bossy and stubborn too! I am a supervisor at work and I am used to telling people what I want them to do and not do and I am used to them treating me very respectfully and doing what I tell them to so it's kinda hard for me to come home and get rid of that role and become something different. It's just half the time I feel like I just want him to go away and leave me in peace and quiet and then the other half of the time I don't! Oh he did give me the money for the phone bill and the grocery money this week by the way! But then he does stuff like this, the other day he stopped by my work and surprised me on my lunch hour. I was so happy that he had been thinking of me and drove all the way up there to say hello. (25 miles). He gave the reason as "I was missing you". When I got in his van I said "So you're taking me to lunch?" and he said "Yeah, if we use your money". So that kinda undid the good feeling I had from him dropping by to see me!

WOW. THAT IS SCARY. I THINK YOU SHOULD CONTACT THE POLICE TO KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. THEN YOU SHOULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!! I'M IN SHOCK. YOU SHOULD GET THE PHONE TURNED OFF. I WOULDN'T BUY THE GROCERIES EITHER.
I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THIS. I REALLY HOPE THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU. I DON'T THINK HE'S SHOWING ANY TYPE OF CONSIDERATION FOR YOU.

PLEASE KEEP US POSTED!!

Hey Isadora :)

I think if you too stop being... single and start acting as one you will be fine. Whoever buys lunch shouldn't matter because if you have he has and vice versa.

Isadora, there is no need for you to explain yourself to anyone here. What you do is your business totally...you do not need to have our approval of him to be with him.
and I agree with Missone I think if you too stop being... single and start acting as one you will be fine. Whoever buys lunch shouldn't matter because if you

It sounds as though a lot of people wrote their initial responses based on what was written in your original post. It was scary. It seemed as though you had a "loose cannon" on your hands.
NOW.....after reading the rest of what you (Isadora) have said in this thread it seems like you have a combo of the whole "de-institutionalizng" going on as well as just a man being a man..stubborn, bossy, etc... Your last post sounds more like he may just be a lil selfish in certain areas and I would almost have no doubt that after 14 years of incarceration anyone would have at the very least a touch of that.
I say be careful...you all are learning each other now in a different way. Of course, if you ever feel threatened then call the authorities.....firstly I would assure him that if he ever flipped on you that that is what you would do. I myself took physical abuse from a guy who had been in trouble before just so he would not catch another charge. I was "young and dumb" and did not realize that whatever he was doing to me was his own fault not mine and he deserved whatever he had coming. It is a scary situation to find yourself in but above all you have to love yourself.
I hope for all the best for you and be sure to use your resources....there was a really good thread on pto regarding the adjustment period a person goes thru once they are released..that may be worth you taking a look at if you have not already.
Oh yeah and watch using those words like "mine" and "my" ...that can be an issue in any relationship...you all are married and you are in this together now..partners.
Take Care,
Sumayyah
YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

I feel like he is a combination of all of that........loose cannon, stubborn, bossy, de-institutionalization, paranoid, etc! It's really more than I can take sometimes!

Guys I am really in over my head in this marriage! I seriously need help. Yesterday my husband and I fought all day long. I ended up asking him to leave again and of course he again said he isn't going anywhere. I told him I would file divorce papers then and get a restraining order and his response was that if he got divorce papers from me my house would be destroyed and my car would turn up missing. I said I would be sure to inform the police of his threats and he said he wouldn't be the one doing it, and they would never be able to prove he had anything to do with it. I said I would just leave myself and he said wherever I go he will find me and be there, he said he is branded in my soul. He is reminding me of one of those super-controlling spouse abusers like OJ Simpson who end up killing their wives cause they can't control them. He even told me he is trying to "break" me. He said "you will break eventually" (I guess he means just be submissive and do whatever he says). I tried to discuss this with him calmly and I asked him why does he want to be with me, this isn't what either one of us wanted when we met, to fight all of the time. I told him this just isn't working out and I even admitted that his mother was right! She said we should never get married in the first place and refused to come to our wedding. Finally his response was "I have to get up early in the morning and go to work. I don't want to talk about this anymore. If you keep bothering me I'm gong to spit in your face." My life is quickly turning into a nightmare guys. What should I do? For now I'm just going to go and see a marriage counselor and spend as little time at home and as little time with him as is possible.

Isadora...

This is so sad, I am so sorry that it seems to be taking a turn for the worse...you are a smart woman to seek counseling...it will only help you and make you stronger..emotionally, for what lies ahead...I feel how desperate and anxious you must be feeling now...please keep in touch and I pray for god to give you the courage to do what you need to do to keep your sanity and have happiness sooner rather than later...

I know you will get a lot of messages saying the same thing, basically, but here are my comments:
He is clearly very troubled, and you are not safe. If you have to, get out. But you should call a domestic violence center and get help. It does not matter if he's hit you or not, he is threatening, that's enough. Get a restraining order. I hope he is on probation, he'll go right back in.
GET HELP.
you need to tell everyone you love what is going on, and let them take over if you need to, sometimes victims of domestic abuse/violence/control can't help themselves or think clearly, because of what they are going through.
What state are you in?

After reading all of these posts, I have a few things to say..

When you met this man and married him, you KNEW that he had been in prison for a while and made the CHOICE to still marry him, knowing the transition would be a difficult one when he came home. Now he is home and it is not all the flowers and bookie boo boo and dream world you expected and you are ready to give up because it is not what you envisioned? Give him divorce papers, get restraining orders and whatnot? When you took your vows did you really listen to what you were saying? You made a covenant before God to love this man through ANYTHING. If your husband is not physically abusing you, which you said you would not take, I dont see what problems you mentioned that could not be worked out. Because he "says" things that you dont like, that seem threatening? Words are just that...WORDS...3 1/2 months of him home and its not a walk in that park, marriage or should I say any committed relationship takes time to fester and grow. Yes, you had letters and visits, now the real deal Holyfield is coming out and you cant take the pressure? You owe it to yourself, to your husband and to your marriage to do whatever it takes to make it work. You vowed to do that. Marrying an inmate/former inmate is no walk in the park. The same trials and tribulations that most couples have are ten-fold just from obtaining work, financial problems, etc. By you not viewing your possesions as both...a unit, together, don't you think that magnifies the problem? I know if I was with someone that constantly said, mine, mine, mine..I wouldn't be that comfortable either in the situation and would probably lash out, just as he is. When you go out to lunch, what difference does it make WHO pays? As husband and wife, your finances should be combined...just being able to spend time with your husband, enjoying and loving one another is what should matter.

I have a book I would like to suggest that you read. It is called "The power of the praying wife" by Stormie Omartian. I read it a few times, so if you cant get it, I would be more than happy to send it to you. Sometimes you have to just hand it over to God and let him do his work. There are two prayers in the book that grabbed me and made me think of you and your situation that I feel you could use...I dont want to offend anyone, just offer some help, and the Lord is always there for you, all you have to do is ask. He hears you.

Lord, I pray that you would enable (your husbands name) to let go of his past completely. Deliver him from any hold it has on him. Help him to put off his former conduct and habitual ways of thinking about it and be renewed in his mind (Ephesians 4:22,23). Enlarge his understanding to know that You make all things new (Revelations 21:5). Show him a fresh, Holy Spirit-inspired way of relating to negative things that have happened. Give him the mind of Christ so that he can clearly discern Your voice from the voices of the past. When he hears those old voices, enable him to rise up and shut them down with the truth of Your World. Where he has formerly experienced rejections and pain, I pray he not allow them to clor what he sees and hears now. Pour forgiveness into his heart so that bitterness, resentment, revenge and unforgiveness will have no place there. May he regard the past as only a history lesson and not a guide for his daily life. Whereever his past has become a pleasant memory, I pray You would redeem it and bring life out of it. Bind up his wounds (Psalm 147:3). Restore his sould (Psalm 23:3). Help him to release the past so that he will not live in it, but learn from it, break out of it, and move into the future you have for him.

The other is this:

Lord, Help me to be a good wife. I fully realize that I dont have what it takes to be one without Your help. Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering and the willingness to bear all things. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protective stance, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break downt the walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace and joy (Galatians 5:22,23). I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me. Show me where there is a sin in my heart, especially with regard to my husband. I confess at times Ive been unloving, critical, angry, resentful, disrespectful, or unforgiving toward him. Help me to put aside any hurt, anger or disappointment I feel and forgive him the way You do --totally and completely, no looking back. Make me a tool of reconciliation, peace and healing in this marriage. Enable us to communicate well and rescue us from the threshold of separation where the realities of divorce begin. Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love. Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive. Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3). Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive or independent lives, but working together, overlooking eachothers faults and weaknesses for the greater good of marriage. Make me a new person, Lord. Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the man You have given me. Help me see him in new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, new acceptance.

---

If you EVER need to talk, please PM me. I am here for you.

Patrice

Oh my goodness Isadora. It sounds like the situation has gone from bad to worse. I feel for you, I really do.

I pray that you will find a way to keep safe. He sounds very angry. I feel your life is in danger.

Not sure what I would do in your situation, except to try and keep safe.

If he is on paper still, perhaps you could talk with his Parole Officer? I would hate to do that, however, it sounds like this situation is getting worse and you cant afford to not protect yourself.

Take care and be safe. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Gemini thank you for the prayers,they are certainly powerful. I would love to read that book. No he is not on paper anymore, he maxed out. I am trying to stay safe by staying away from home and him as much as possible. I have called the marriage counselling place but so far they haven't gotten back with me. Gemini, I realized all those things that you said when I married him however it takes two to make a relationship work. Whether you got from my posts or not that I have been doing most all of the giving for the past 6 years or not I don't know but I don't think so. It has been a 90-10% relationship. I thought after he got out that would change but it hasn't. I am not just talking about material things here, I am talking about emotional things and support AND respect. I do agree about putting it in God's hands and letting Him work however at this point I am truly wondering if the whole marriage wasn't just one big mistake.

Isadora,

I am going to try to say this as delicately as possible, you as you know are in a very abusive relationship, he meant it when he said he was going to "break you". I know that you worked very hard for your house and car, but this I am going to put very bluntly, your house and car can be replaced - your life cannot.

You deserve better than this, you have succeeded on your own once you can and will do it again.

Please, Please, take every legal precaution to protect yourself, go to a shelter for abused women, call the police about the threats, talk to an attorney and get the divorce rolling, get the restraining order.

It does not matter if he or someone else harms you or your house and car, the threats will be on record and they will come to him first. I know that this is small consolation if something does happen.

Words are just words, but words can and are just as dangerous and damaging as physical violence. You should not have to live in fear. I don't know what else to say. Except yes, being married to an inmate/ex-inmate is not easy, but I don't care who you are or what you have done in the past, you do not show love to someone by forcing them to live in fear.

Patti

I am so sorry this happened, this is definately cause for action...

please email me. why haven't you girl???

Personally I would not leave my home to go to a shelter, HE NEEDS TO GO, not you. do you have friends or family near you to be there for you, stay with you, or you can stay with? And honestly, do not be scared, does he realize that once the police come he will not be coming back?
if that is what you have to do, then you have to. You are number one! I really do not know what else to say....jeez, I feel awful and sick, (((((((((HUGS))))))))))) I will talk to you when I come back Saturday ....BE SAFE!

First of all I wanted to say that I am sorry...I read all your other posts, but I must have missed something. If you feel as if your safety is in jeapordy enough that you dont want to stay at home, then things are definitely not right. I would continue to pray for your husband, he definitely needs the help. As for your relationship being 90/10 with you giving the most...I too am sorry for that too. I didnt want to offend you or upset you, please do not take it that way...I see that you are in pain and I just wanted to offer you some type of encouragement...but if he is making you feel unsafe, then definitely you must take some form of action. No one should be made to feel uneasy about their living situation....Have you tried talking to your pastor? Maybe he can offer you some insight. Also, if your husband has no physically hit you, it will be next to impossible to get a restraining order, as saying it and doing it are two different things....Maybe a little tough love is in order. Change the locks, let him know that until he can contribute to the household and be the "man" of the house, then he is not welcome. If you fear retaliation to your car...move it somewhere for a few days so he cant get to it.

If you ever need to talk, I am here. And I do apologize about earlier....I guess I got so gung-ho on marriage and all, I spoke before I totally understood the gravity of the situation.

Patrice

Gemini those prayers were awesome. I felt them in my spirit. Thanks for sharing them.

Isadora, your honey IS off the chain. When i read he said he would spit in your face i wanted to throw up. And then on top of that to threaten to do you harm. He is too much. You need to seperate from him FAST. IF it was 90-10 all along, i agree you shouldn't have married him. But that is hindsight now. Do your best to remain calm at all times. Don't allow him to provoke you and don't provoke him. Make your self a plan and quietly take the steps to execute it. COUNSELING first (if possible). He needs it too, but i doubt if he will go huh? Go along with his lil plan to break you so you will have the time to do whatever you plan to do.

If it were me i would cut my losses now. If i thought i would loose my house and car i would make sure it is insured. If his sorry ass has to end up back in jail that is his fault. Moreover, ANY man who would spit on his wife in my opinion is not worth...

For him to say he will "break you" that tells you exactly where his head is. (Did you ever read that article about when your loved one comes home? It talks all about the transition and maybe will help you understand how he may be feeling.)
This sounds like a situation that may just be getting worse by the day or that may get worse before it gets better. If you feel threatened (and I would at this point) call his parole/probation office, let your family know what is going on, seek help.
He may not be as bad as he sounds right now..it may just be a matter of him needing counseling himself. I think any person who has been incarcerated for an extended (yr or more) amount of time would need counseling.
You did not know him before his incarceration???? If not, this may be just how he is...his true colors are showing.
Above all ...protect yourself. Leave your home if necessary..you can replace your home..a house or car is not worth your life or sanity.
This is an unfortunate situation and I hope that others may get another picture that it is not always peaches and cream when your loved one comes home. It gives you something to think about.
Isadora....PROTECT YOURSELF. If this man goes back to prison because of his actions then so be it. He knows what will and will not land him back in prison.

He doesn't have a parole officer, he maxed out. Yes, he himself told me that I'd better have insurance on my house if I give him divorce papers. He told me my house "will crumble". I do have full coverage on my car. But I can't believe all this can come from trying to help someone out. (me trying to help him out while he was locked up.) I have my first appointment with the marriage counselor tomorrow. I am going by myself the first time. He has said he will go to it too but we'll see. He seems so unstable right now I don't know what to think. Now he's back to his old self, the threatening self is gone. I can tell he knows he's in trouble with our relationship for behaving as he did. He told me he wasn't liking the way he has been treating me. You know I have lost so much respect for him since he said those things to me. I have lost love as well. Actually I don't even really like him anymore. I have done so much for this man over the past 6 years and then he acts like me asking him to do some work around the house is just such a burden, let alone giving me $50 a week for groceries. And for him to say he would spit in my face, well that was the last straw. What a loser!

Sumayah where is the article you are talking about? The one about when he comes home? I would like to read it.

Isadora, I'm sorry you are going thru this, no one deserves to be treated like that especially by their husband who also said the vows to marry you. Out of curiousity, what was he in prison for? I have read the posts that were written back to you in response to your troubles and as this is my "two cents" on the situation, those were other people's also. But I was troubled by some of the things and maybe I didn't quite understand what was meant but I strongly feel that no matter what vows you said when you married this man, nothing gives him the right to treat you this way. And I feel God would agree with me too.The things this man has put you thru is so out of line completely. Yes you married him, yes you knew he had a record thru out this, yes you had great conversations, and visits and wonderful letters where I'm sure he professed his undying love for you, but please, please don't be hard on yourself, just because someone was in prison does in no way give them the right to disrespect you or to treat you the way he is. If nothing else, I would expect him to bend over backwards treating you better then anyone who hasn't been in prison because you put up with being alone all those years waiting for him and the things that come along with being involved with an inmate and that alone makes you deserving of being treated great.. You gave this man the benefit of the doubt and believed what he told you, like we all do when we are in a relationship. Unfortunatly, the "real" him came out when he came home, sometimes this happens and not always from those who are in prison. I married my 2nd husband and I swear the day after we said our vows he changed into a psycotic, and he wasn't in prison, had never been in prison. He worked at Fords, owned his own home, had lots of money ect. ect. told me everything I wanted to hear, and then everything changed. We did the counseling, and I tried very hard to keep it together, but when I came home one day and seen that he had put a bullet thru my head in everyone of our wedding photo's I knew it was time to go and go fast. These things do happen, people do lie and people do act different until they get what they want. This is not your fault. You married this man thinking he was the person he led you to beleive he was, and now that you found out that isn't true, you have every right in the world to protect yourself and what you have. You worked hard for those things and they do belong to you. He's only been home for a short time, just because you married him does not intitle him in this short period of time to what is yours. If you hadn't married a man that was in prison, would you stay in that marriage? Yes it is hard for someone who has been in prison to adjust to life on the outside, we all have read the stories and did the research about what it would be like when they came home, and yes we do allow for some things we might not usually let happen, but only minor things I would hope. When it comes to the serious type of things that have been going on with you, than all bets are off. If this man is treating you like this already, then something is seriously wrong with his mental state and I would hope no one would expect you to stay in this marriage. There's nothing wrong with finding out marrying this man was a mistake. We've all made mistakes in our past and learned from them. This is one of those type of mistakes. Sure it hurts, I'm sure you loved the person you thought he was at one time, but now that you know he isn't that person, you need to cut your losses now and get out before this goes any furthur and you take the chance of this man seriously hurting you. Ultimatly this is your decision and we can only support you in what you decide to do, and we will of course. You are a good person & you have always supported anyone at PTO that needed it. Now you need to take the advice that you would give to anyone else in this situation and take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you, I know this isn't easy for you. But in time you know it will get easier to get over this man, and then you will find the right person that is out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Good luck sweetie & tons of <<<hugs>>>

Thanks Michelle. He was in for Armed Robbery.

Shades has got it right. I do hope you will cut your losses and get out with your life intact. There are alot of red flags here. Please take them seriously. Restraining orders are fine, but they are only legal notices to the community, they do not protect you. Sometimes in fact they backfire because they infuriate the one they are served on.
I believe in my wedding vows also, however, if a mistake has been made, then you have to remember God is a forgiving God, not a punishing God. Please get help fast.
Perhaps you could even just go to a Domestic Violence Shelter and talk with someone there.
You have got to stay safe at all costs. Whatever it takes to do that. Staying away from home as much as possible is a step, but as soon as you come home, he could be there and no telling what he might have planned for you.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. No one deserves to be treated like this.
PLEASE GET HELP FAST!

Michelle has said it best. I have nothing more to add.

Isadora your are in my prayers honey. Please keep us updated on how things are for you. You know how some people assume the worse when they don't hear any news... well that's me. I'm just concerned for you honey.

Isadora....I hae searchd for the article I was referring to and I am unable to locate it. I did however locate some other threads that you may find beneficial..."ABC's of being fresh out of prison" by Kda and "From prison to home" by FriscoLady. Again, these are not the articles I was looking for but they may help. I will post a thread asking if anyone can locate the specific thread to which I was referring.

Hi Isadora- I have to admit that I agree 100 % with Mrs G - I met my husband in '87 when he was incarcerated married him upstae and then he was released for the 1st time in 19 years in 2001. He was home about 2 wks and I was ready for him to get out- I was on my own all that time, and definately got set in my ways, and I wasn't sharing my toys very well. We sat down and had a long talk- I told him how I felt, and guess what he understood - it's hard for them to be out in the world after doing a long bid- you have to remeber, you're his wife - not his mother. maybe try asking him, instead of telling him. I know this is hard on you - but you can make it work if you really want to. It's easier to run from a new situation then to stand your ground ( ps - this is still presumptive that he is not physically abusing you - no woman should take that !!!) Best of Luck

Isadora - Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

You deserve to be treated with respect, not disrespect. You have done NOTHING WRONG. Don't let him try to lay any guilt trips on you.

You have done everything you can to make this marriage work on the outside. It is indeed different when they are incarcerated.

You have to think of yourself now and your well being.

Thoughts and prayers are going your way and I am praying that you are ok now.

Do come back and let us hear how you are doing.

Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

HI Again, I will email you later, but wanted to add to this page so that everyone can see...

NO, you should NOT leave YOUR HOME under these circumstances, no one should have to...all you have to do is tell someone he is threatening you and he will be taken care of as he should. DO not worry about that. Yo can stay with friends, but this is YOUR HOME!

and also, this is not something, in my opninion, that has JUST HAPPENED NOW -OUT OF NOWHERE -JUST SINCE HE HAS BEEN HOMEhas it? I do not think so, from what you told me, That is an excuse for him to act out like this!

He has been displaying red flags to you for awhile now, right? this is not a flag, these are now signs of outright abuse and it has to be dealt with because he is not going to just become a great person out of the blue, I am sorry.

I was not aware this was going on all along while you were with him and to make to it clear to people out there, I DO NOT ADVISE YOU TO STAY WITH HIM or anyone who abuses you like this. EVER! I was only going by your initial threads when I addressed this.

be well and be safe

I am certainly NOT suggesting she give up her home. However, I AM suggesting she stay away from it at the moment while all of this is going on.

I don't know what state this is in, however, I can tell you that in states that I have lived in "threats" do not mean a thing to the police. Not even if they come from your husband or a felon.

That doesn't however mean something shouldn't be done about it.

Since he is off paper from what I have read, the Parole Board would not be interested.

However, getting help from a Domestic Violence Shelter MIGHT be in order as they deal with this sort of situation and they have the referrals that are needed to solve the problems.

Isadora definitely needs help. And help fast as the abuse seems to be escalating.

It is my opinion that she needs to stay away from him as much as possible. Try not to have any contact with him either.

Remember Hope is a good thing it springs life eternal.

This man has been in the system 14 years of his life and if authorities are aware of this, something can be done. I myself had an order of protection back in 95, and although it is not the best protection and often fails, it is better than nothing to get it in writing, speak to the precinct, etc etc...

I really feel bad for you, but you must take control over your life. I would
suggest that you try to get a "kick out order" from Superior Court back there,
and of course you will have to explain if there is any verbal and physcial abuse. Secondly, if his name is on the title of your house, I would get his name off of the deed immediatley. Then if you can't afford an attorney, there
shoud be resources for low income people to get a divorce. As for his behavior
you have to set limits, I am not making excuses for him, but when you are locked up for a lengthly amount of time, freedom is a whole new ball of wax for them. Your in a tough call, and you have to be the one to decide what
is best for YOU. Your in my thoughts, and I wish you lots of luck...
((((((((HUGS)))))))))), Suzi

Isadora - I have read all of your posts and to me you have been calling out for help from the very first post.
I agree with Mrs G she's a very smart lady.
Your house is "your house" honey don't let this man do this to you.
Material things don't mean a thing if you aren't there to enjoy them.
Lucky for you that there are no children involved it's just a matter of man and wife.
For him to say that to you sounds pretty scary to me. "I will break you."
hmmmmmm are you a horse? NO! you are a woman and women don't get "broken" they get treated with respect. If he was inside and spoke this way to any of his cellies I am sure he may be the one to eventually get "broken". No matter his size there is always someone quicker, bigger, smarter, or sneakier that wouldn't put up with being threatened.
I also saw a bit of what you have perseived as your fault.
NO MATTER WHAT this is not your fault.
If you had made threats to him about burning his car and trashing his house then the tables would be turned but I see them in his court.
Don't play his games honey they only lead to misery.
This is only my oppinion and only mine alone.
Tell someone. Don't become the next Lacy Petterson.
Make it known that he is threatening you and also let him know that others know.
If he knows that you have let people know then he is less likely to do you harm for fear of going back to prison. (get more oppinions on that part though) like I said. My oppinion is my own and you can take them as lightly as you wish but I mean no harm or disrespect to anyone.
Please keep us informed.
~Sharna~

He has been caged up like an animal for some time. Like most animals, when you open the cage, some sit there and others go wild. He is trying to rediscover who he was. The first thing they do is go back to those who gave them recgonition. It is the wrong move on his part. If a person has truly changed, the new doesn't go well with the old. Since most of your conversations were either by letter or phone, like the others suggested, it couldn't hurt to try. If it don't work, you can get an annulment and you shouldn't lose anything in the process.

Thank you all for your input. It has been 5 months now that he's been out and because I believed when I took my vows that marriage is a sacred thing, that he and I became one when we said 'I do'; I am still hanging in there. We have had our ups along with our downs. It got better after he got this construction job working 12 to 14 hour shifts. He was so tired out he didn't have energy to fight with me! Plus he was feeling good about himself because for once he has a decent job and income. But then the paranoia set in. He felt that the other guys were leaving him out, ie eating their lunches together while he is by himself; he felt that his supervisor was discriminating against him; ie sending him home when it had been raining but not sending anyone else home; giving him all the hardest, most physically demanding jobs. I don't know how much of this is true and how much is in his imagination. I told him he's not there to make friends, just to do whatever job they give him and get his paycheck. I told him if he really is being discriminated against he needs to keep a journal and everyday write down what he feels is the discrimination against him and then if he gets fired there will be a paper trail and he can sue. He told me to write it all down as he said he is telling me what is happening. You know sometimes I just let him go because trying to tell him what to do is like having a tiger by the tail and telling it what to do! That's how he got the ticket for scalping which is a misdemeanor; he has to go to court on it. I told him if he gets jail time that is it because I just don't have the time to waste on a husband who can't keep himself from being locked up all the time. He's had his chance, I waited all those years and now he has his freedom; what he does with it is his choice. Well, ond day at a time and thank you again for all of your words and your support guys.

I haven't yet posted in this thread - but HAVE been following it closely. I've been going through alot of the same stuff, as a couple of ladies here, who I speak with on the phone, know. He's been home since February 5 - has been "in trouble" twice - first charge (retail theft) was nolle prossed after he did Community Service - ONLY because I could afford to hire him a private attorney, who I know. The second time - is now, he's got the same attorney - yes, I'm paying for it again - these are traffic infractions requiring an appearance in court - he totalled my car - yeah, now I have no car! :angry: Anyway, I'm sorry to rant and rave in your thread Isadora - but I just wanted to let you know, I understand. Maybe I'll just PM you! :) (((HUGS)))

Isadora you sound better. I appreciate you and others who speak up and talk about how things can go wrong, it's important we all keep our eyes open. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us, and glad we have each other

I really appreciate the honesty in this thread...its about real feelings and relationships and life and all that comes with having our loved one come home. It is not easy to post about what is REALLY going on for fear of judgement and having to defend ourselves and our relationship/marriage. We have all the time that we had/have spent without them...all the build-up until they are finally home and the reality is that it really isn't what we have pictured it could/should/would be..not that it is all horrible, but expectations that we have while they are still in are so different from in-person interactions...Stay strong Isadora.

Very well said MRSMAZE. Isadora, I think for the most part we all take our marriage vows seriously. I know I certainly do as many others I know here do as well. I just hope for the best for you and keep you in my thoughts and prayers that strength will keep you and somehow you will be protected and showered with peace. We all certainly are entitled to that.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

MRSMAZE, Very well put.
I was just today thinking about the "home coming" of my husband and picturing how wonderful it's going to be.
But in reality it's going to be hard to adjust to living with someone again.
I have lived alone with my daughter for the past 10 months and even longer if you count the year he was hardly home due to his running amuk.
It's going to be difficult to adjust to him being home and "taking over" again.
So that's some good information to keep in mind when I start day dreaming about peaches and cream when he comes home.
Every relationship has it's problems just when you've been dealing with life on lifes terms alone for so long it's hard to deal with life on lifes terms and his terms lol.
(((((((((((((((((((((To You All)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
~Sharna~

Update. Please keep us in your prayers, things aren't going so well again. We had a good day Saturday and part of Sunday. But now we are fighting constantly again and he is so, so nasty. He seems like he just always has to have the last word, he doesn't know when to let up. Or he won't let up. I can't take much more of his mouth. The clincher was when we were arguing and he said "I ought to smack the shit out of you". The red flag was flying high right then. Of course later he apologized but I won't forget those words. He later said on the phone he thought we should separate for awhile and I agreed and reminded him that meant HE needed to be the one to leave. So we will see if he is there when I get home from work tonight. I should be so blessed that he would not be there.

"I ought to smack the shit out of you". - Of course later he apologized

Isadora, I feel for you right now. he is a very abusive person and it will only get worse I am sorry to say. It might seem better sometimes but that is how it works for someone who is abusive. I really do hope you are making some plans for your safety and well being. take care of YOU!

I answered your PM and prayed for you.

The fight, the honeymoon, the fight, the honeymoon......that's how domestic abuse goes. He may say he's sorry (after the damage is ALREADY done), but he isn't sorry enough to never allow himself to behave in such a manner again. So what good are the words "I'm sorry", without the additional words AND follow through that this or that won't happen again.

Also, I believe you are describing a personality disorder that is about HIM - not prison, not you, not his boss or co-workers. His behavior along