I just got out of a progressively abusive relationship with my boyfriend. He had just gotten out of prison and I thought we would have a wonderful loving relationship since he had gone through extensive rehab and quit his drug problem. Well, turns out he turned back to meth and things were getting horrible for me. I finally got out yesterday by having him arrested and they already shipped him off to HIgh Desert. If anyone needs to talk to get the strength to get out of a relationship with an offender or ex-offender, I am here to talk. It has been so hard for me to get out and I know there are others out there who are trying to do the same. If it wasn't for some of the women here on prisontalk, I wouldn't have been able to get out. Their support and advise for me was truly a gift from God. I feel that it is my duty to help others just like others helped me. PM me if anyone needs help or we can also talk to support each other through this. It is easier than I thought to get stuck in a abusive relationship and even harder to get out.

I've done my share of time with abusers and it's harder than ever to leave. I was told numerous times to "just leave" by the people who actually like to go home, they just didn't know how hard that was for me. 2 years ago I lost my best friend of 30 years when her boyfriend kicked her in the head with a steel toed work boot at least 6 times according to the coroner, and just last night I had gotten word that a nurse I worked with was killed by her boyfriend. Both had been offered help many times by others as well as myself and the help was rejected as it was offered. My ex beat me to the point of deafness in my right ear and it took 3 weeks for the bruises to fade so that heavy make up could cover them. I was lucky, I got out alive. I look at what happened to them and know that the reason that they stayed was that their self esteem was in the toilet. Mine was too, but the need for medical attention drove me to take the course I took. By hearing the same stuff over and over again, you believe that no one would want you, or your not a good person, or that this abuser is the best your going to get. Anger helped me heal, as well as the love of my friends. I was so mad that I took the phrase "living well is the best revenge" to the extreme. I also realized that love should not hurt. When I see an abused woman, I try to let them know that I've been there myself and will be there for them without being overbearing or judgemental about it. I give kudos to anyone who will get away and try to help others, sometimes it's hard to admit you've been there yourself.

You are both strong, courageous women. I have no problem admitting I'm a DV survivor, especially if it helps even one woman get out. The low self-esteem is so, so true. Even today, when people tell me I'm beautiful, or a great person, etc., I have a hard time believing it. But I am having fun, and that's all that matters now. Good luck to you both.

Good for you that you had him arrested and got out! And good for you that you're reaching out to help anyone else who may need the help! I'm also a survivor of childhood abuse and then DV till I was 40. It's always something I rejoice about when I hear of a woman who had the courage to get out and then reach out to help others.

Well I got my first letter from him yesterday. It just crushed my heart and it's so hard not to give in and write him back. I am not going to at this point but, honestly, I don't trust myself. I just hope that I don't cave in. He is doing the "I don't want to live without you" bit and that he is madly in love with me and so on. I hate myself for putting myself in this position.

I admire you. I too had to be the "snitch" and call the cops on my husband with the support of my best friend after he beat on me when I was five months pregnant last year. I am right now still deliberating on whether to divorce him or not because he is showing he is changing to me, but showing others that he is not. I support you, and I agree that it sucks to get out of that relationship because it's a "quicksand" relationship. The harder you think about getting out versus staying or the harder you try to remove yourself from the situation, the deeper into it you get or the harder they hold onto you. Please feel free to PM me if you like.

All that you have said is so true. I feel like a fly stuck on flypaper. No matter how I struggle I just can't get out of this for some reason. It is like he has some weird power over me. And it happens gradually. I have noticed that I am just not as bright and happy as I used to be, I am more introverted now and keep to myself.

All that you have said is so true. I feel like a fly stuck on flypaper. No matter how I struggle I just can't get out of this for some reason. It is like he has some weird power over me. And it happens gradually. I have noticed that I am just not as bright and happy as I used to be, I am more introverted now and keep to myself.
I could have said this myself.

The struggle in leaving is going and not looking back. I can tell you that when I stayed with mystbx-husband I was f'ing miserable and it too was gradual. I thought I could live w/ him and tolerate but slowly it ruined ME! ME. I lost things that are PRECIOUS to me that I'm fighting to get back. I lost my will to live. Trust me, if there's no hope, LEAVE!

Also, on teh snitch topic, I'm a cop caller too. A snitch is someone that avoids trouble by ratting someone out. If you beat me down or rip me off, I'm calling the cops....PERIOD. So don't think you "snitched" to protect yourself.

I am proud of you that you had the courage and the strength to do what you did. I too am a DV survior and let me tell you that was the most hardest thing I had to do was leave. But the way I stuck by it the final last time I left(after 9 yrs of abuse) was to ask myself did I want to die?? Of course the answer was NO. When you are beaten so low that you have no self image or anything to help you leave it is hard. for now don't give in to him, stay strong and just know we are here for you nigh and day. I know it is hard, but you can do this.....No one deserves to be beat or abused in anyway. Love Jeanne

I have never been there fortunately but I felt compelled to say something.
I THINK THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT THREAD since I understand it is very often difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

I just wanted to give my applause for you making your experiences available and trying to help others who need that help and support and knowledge.

You have my heartfelt admiration. Some others will be grateful to you for the rest of their lives!

I am glad you got away from it, May blessings follow,,God Bless:)

I still dont understand why anyone would allow their life to be degraded just for the sake of a relationship. I mean, wouldn't you be better off alone and in control of your own life then in that situation? Wouldn't it be a good learning experience not to go back to it knowing they will just get worse, knowing its a bad relationship.. and learn not to do that again next time around? Call me stupid, but I'd rather be alone and in control than be in that kind of "relationship"
Do you really need to be with someone soo bad that you can't help yourself? Learn to love yourself and take control..then you will know what you want.. and learn to nip the bad relationships in the bud before they even begin.. and you will never miss them.

Spongebob, I would have said the same thing, I DID say the same thing, to others when I was younger. Until it happened to me. A decade of trying to withstand enough to show this person...something. To save him. (It was psychological/emotional/sexual, not battering per se.)
And I do love myself. I went into it with a lot going for me, and his tactics were subtle enough that he had me on the ropes before I knew what was happening. THIS CAN HAPPEN to anybody and the quicksand effect is all too real. But once you gather the guts to make the break, just watch the miracles start happening...

getting out of an abusive relationship is complicated in the sense...that most of these men are so charming...and you are so in love, they nurture, and love you immensenly...then something abusive happens...it is hard to believe it happened..and, most humans want to believe that the loving wonderful person they know is the real person, and the drugs or whatever caused such an outburst....and, it won't happen again...

in my case, he makes violent threats, after being loaded for weeks on crack/pcp/nighttraain/cisco (liquid pcp) he is literally out of his mind..
so it is hard often to leave, because they work at staying clean, and the love is great...

another aspect is that it is most dangerous for the woman to leave..it is at that point when she is most likely to be beaten severly or killed..

it is not about not loving yourself enough..

in some cases the abuse has gone on for so long...the person..has lost the will to leave...ie: they've been beaten down so much...it is called learned helplesness...and, it can happen to anyone!!!!!!!

sometimes religion plays a part...many churches say to save the marriage at all costs..through prayer and couseling...

one of the main causes of homelessness is Domestic Violence..

often the person being abused starts to identify with the abuser..it is called the stockholm syndrome...

there are a lot of psychological and physical factors that occur to the person being abused...

"allow their life to be degraded just for the sake of a relationship. " this comment is not appropriate, nor true...you are allowed of course to have your opinion...


"Do you really need to be with someone soo bad that you can't help yourself? Learn to love yourself and take control..then you will know what you want.. and learn to nip the bad relationships in the bud before they even begin.. "

usually these relationships are awesome for a long time...then maybe 3 years later he snap....it is not about needing someone so bad..

actually, these men put you on a pedestal, and they are very needy, which does play into women's socilization to be a caretaker..

when they only get mean when they are loaded...there is so much hope that if they go through recovery programs that they will stay clean, therefore, there won't be abuse problems.....

men who do go through a year program of Domestic Violence classes rarely abuse again..the statistics are around 4%

1 out of every 4 women will be abused in some form by their partner in their life tiime..
this is a national social problem...

i respect all those who survive in however they need to, and those who can get away...for literally, it is getting away..many times..women end up in shelters, have to leave the state, job etc.

i do have much research on the cycle of violence, the dynamics of getting away, information on batterers..

there is no profile on women who get abused..for it can happen to anyone..
however, there are profiles of men/women who abuse....

turning in your partner for abuse, is not easy..i have done it...many people have been hard on me for turning in him....

Christen, or any others who want to talk lets pm
much peace and love to you all
francis

Truly fantastic post francis! we live in a society in which might makes right too much of the time and guys being this way is a side effect of it. It's the pneumonia or the AIDS or whatever of emotional human relationships. Or maybe the common cold even.
Maybe if we stop subjecting boys to brutality we can stop the cycle. But we keep on selling the marlboro man/thug myth and sending the boys to war/prison. Then they come home and hit somebody and society says, Hey Kid. What's your problem? and hits them twice as hard...it's a big mess.

I still dont understand why anyone would allow their life to be degraded just for the sake of a relationship. I mean, wouldn't you be better off alone and in control of your own life then in that situation? Wouldn't it be a good learning experience not to go back to it knowing they will just get worse, knowing its a bad relationship.. and learn not to do that again next time around? Call me stupid, but I'd rather be alone and in control than be in that kind of "relationship"
Do you really need to be with someone soo bad that you can't help yourself? Learn to love yourself and take control..then you will know what you want.. and learn to nip the bad relationships in the bud before they even begin.. and you will never miss them."You will never miss them."

While I know you are not going to reply to this as you are banned for your other posts, in your profile you call yourself an ex-inmate... Somehow I think that is B.S. like most of the other snot you are spraying.. However, if you were in, you must have been treated badly when you were ithere as you consider inmates below yourself and your POV is obviously biased. Either way, you are outta here and will be again should you attempt to re-log. Since this is one of your border-line posts, it will remain.. unlike you..

Christen
I think the ones who have been in bad relationships are the ones who can help in such a way that is crucial to others in the midst or just getting out of the cycle of abuse. The openness in this thread is exactly what is needed and might one save a life. OMG I am in tears over this thread. And just think the cycle of Abuse will stop in your generations because of each of you!!

It's Christmas evening and I wanted to log on. I haven't checked this thread in quite awhile. I am so happy and grateful for all of the words expressed here. FRANCIS, you have put so many of my thoughts into words. There is nothing worse someone telling a domestic violence survivor or someone who is still in it, that the don't love themselves enough, etc, etc....A person stuck in domestic violence is there because they don't know how to get out. They know that when they decide to, their life will change drastically. They become very unsafe because they are completely rejecting a very controlling person, this is when it can get really dangerous. It doesn't mean that they don't love themselves or that they have low self esteem or any of the stereotypes. Because society has taught us that only "those" kind of women get in a violent domestic situation is why intelligent, self-loving, beautiful, successful women suprisingly find themselves in a dangerous situation. They, or I, didn't even suspect what was going on or what was happening. I was loved and nurtured by Billy for over a year before things turned really bad, and I thought the bad part was only the drugs. I could go on and on, but there is always going to be people who post here that don't understand and can only see the situation from where they stand and not from where I or you stand.
I WILL SAY THIS THOUGH.....The more and more my family or friends said things like, "I would never let a man treat me like that," made me isolate myself even more. I knew what I was in was bad and having someone tell me over and over, the things I already knew, was just deafening to me. It's like someone giving someone an intricate piece of something to build with no instructions. There are NO instructions you can really give someone who needs to or is trying to get out of a domestic violence situation. I had to wait for the right time and circumstances to get out....I had to wait for about a year. AND, no that is not the safest thing to do, but my life was not threatened. I feel like I am rambling, and I know I am. There is just so much I want to say and to share with anyone who wants to read it. I will write more later.
Again, Francis, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your words.

Frances you said exactly what my thoughts are! And you too, Christen! It's NOT about having low self esteem or not loving yourself. Those who post things like that do not have an understanding of the dynamics of the relationships. You said it perfectly when you said the abused person DOES NOT KNOW HOW to get out of the relationship. Things become so confusing and you get so many double messages from your loved one that after awhile it just seems easier to give in. They do wear you down and you don't know what to believe or expect anymore. Thanks Christen for sharing, what you say is helpful.

It is not hard to get away.. it's hard to stay away for good. If you need to write back to him, then write but don't send them to him. Keep the letters somewhere. What you need most now is getting your feelings out of your system. That is the most important thing. At the moment you still bottle it up, that is normal and natural to do. You have realized you are not by yourself.. that is good. Keep on using the company untill you over it. You are no where near helping others yet, keep on helping yourself and start beeing important for yourself. Now the most important person in your life should be you. You have made the most important step.. the first one. But the rest is still to come.. for you I wish you keep the strengh.. well done for the first step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!