I can say i am at a loss right now.. i just went through a deniel of my husbands parole(knew with his history it would happen) A friend of mine and I are haveing a garage sale this weekend and i was cleaning things out. well i ran accross a tv antenna(ones you buy at walmart) it wasnt a cheap on to say the least. well the antennas where cut down. my husband has a crack problem, when i saw the antennas cut down to nothing. i knew in my heart and mind what it was all about. he had hidden(he thought) and during the clean up i found it.

well all this work i have done to get past the nightmare of crack has come barrelling back into my life. yes he is still locked up. i know right now it is for the best. i love this man with all my heart and know he is better than this. i just know my emotions are running rampid right now. i want so much to write him a letter and give him my two cents.... i just dont know if I should.. what do all of you think? i keep thinking if i dig more what else will i find? i am sorry i just dont know how to handle this right now. do i write him and let him know or do i try and get past this by myself? i am so furious right now. not that the tv antenna got cut up, but for all the hurt and mistrust is coming back.. what would you guys do?

thanks all of you i just needed to vent.

Unfortunatly I have been through this many times with my husband, once he starts the drugs again he goes on the run and then when they catch him good wife that I am? I go and pick up his car and whatever stuff he has at various places....I cant tell you how much stuff I have found that hurt me sooo bad, this last time was the kicker and I told him I will not be able to do this anymore. I did confront him each time when we had visits we would talk about his lying and the things I found and I let him know how much he had hurt me and the trust he had lost....Since he wasnt on drugs when we talked I seemed to be able to get through to him...

I would suggest that you hold off until you are able to talk to him face to face and are not restricted by a 15 min phone call. Just be real calm and let him know how much this has hurt you....
Just remember that when they are on drugs they usually dont think about anyone but themselves, it doesnt always mean they dont love us or mean to hurt us..... Stay strong......

well we dont get the phone calls.. in texas you get one two hour visit a week and letters. i will see him saturday to tell him he was denied parole(he doesnt know) should i talk to him this saturday?

Oh girl, I have been though the exact same thing, about a year after my husband left I moved and found crack pipes under the sink, in the closet, ect. I was sooo mad I never really knew he did that in MY house, I thought he just went away and did it. That was a few years ago and now it is kinda funny.

But I know how you feel and dealing with a crack addict it is hell on earth. I think the memories have started to fade and it just seems like a bad nightmare. My husband should be coming home soon and I pray he never goes back to that.

Everything happens for a reason so try to just think about his set off as more time to be sober. When my husband got a set off 2.5 years ago I was distroyed, I didn't get out of bed for a month. I thought he was ready then, but now I know that he has grown so much more since then, if he had gotten out then I think he would have went back to doing drugs.

Your situation reminds me of what I went through last year with my husband, except it was crystal meth, not crack, but same thing. I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what worked for us. My husband has had a drug addiction ongoing for 10 years. Last year, after being separated for his incarceration time, I moved back in with him, eager and excited thinking he had finally kicked it. One morning he called me at our home from the police station, he had been busted, and I thought he was 100% clean. At that time, I had only been living with him again for 2 weeks, but I moved back to CA all the way from my country, so it was not easy to think I had the options to get out again. Anyway, he did stay at the county jail for 12 days, then he was released to do prop 36, a drug program in So. CAlifornia. That went well for about 2 months. He relapsed, and I never told anyone. HUGE MISTAKE!!!! I thought that because I love him so much, that I would just "sweep it under the rug". Again, huge mistake. Only about a month down the road from there, he became more abusive, and I ended up calling 911 finding myself in a pool of blood, my face even unrecognizable to myself. Drugs and anger outbursts are like salt and pepper. Now he is in a prison up state in CA, and he has taken responsibility for what he has done. Not just the DV, the drug abuse too. I hold him accountable for what he has done, and he knows it is not condoned. Now he is willing to enter into a 15 month program upon his release, and he is excited to get his life together. I know that hurting my husband is different than harming my husband. When I bring up and want to deal with similar situations like you finding what you found with the antenas, it does hurt him to have to face it, but I am not harming him. Now, because I can take a step back from my situation and handle it the the most mature way I know possible, I know that if I love my husband, which I do, I do not want to enable him. I want him to grow and mature. Not confronting situations leaves things in life stagnant, when it should be like Niagra falls. I don't know if you are a mother, but you will probably identify with this anyways, but as an analogy, I will use the eagle and her little babies for example. The mother and father eagle take care of the babie eagles for a certain period of time when the baby eagel is first born, but after reaching a certain age and growth, the parents of the little eagles destruct the nest they have made for their offspring, taking all the softness and comfort away, leaving only the mud and sticks, the base of the nest, the foundation. Because the parents want their little eagle to survive out there in the world, they want to equip the babie. The mother literally pushes the little eagle out of the nest for it to learn how to fly. Obviously frightened, once it is dropping through the air, down farther below, the father eagle swoops through the air and grabs his little one before falling. And again this process continues, and then the eagle is a mature prominent bird. I know we are not eagles and we don't fly, but there are morals in that story. They let their little one experience what he needed to face, but was frightened to because they loved him that much. We need to be their for our husbands, but if we take responsibility and ownership for what they themselves need to own, they never grow. I believe honesty and trust along with unconditional love are the base and foundaton of our "nest". That is how a marriage will survive. Why keep what you are experiencing to yourself? When you got married, did 2 not become 1? If your relationship was a fruit, say a banana, would you want it to look like a small green unripened, untasteful, undesired banana, or a fully ripened, mature desirable banana. There is a process to growth, and beauty. If you are use to staying in the same place, then stepping up and stepping out will be quite the experience, but worth it because you and your husband will be stronger in the end individually and in your marriage as well. I will be praying for you, post to say how it all goes, with whatever decision you make.

Niki

MLK... believe it or not, 10-15 years after the fact(s) I still have to fight the same feelings on occasion... I think a lot of us who love or loved addicts do, I know another and formerly active member here went thru the same thing when she cleaned out her husband's truck shortly before he was released to come home, a while back.

I've learned not to let it wreck me when it happens, but sure it hurts all the same just like those 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years hadn't even passed...

My incarcerated boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend were best friends and drug buddies, and both alcoholics, back in the pre-prison days (my boyfriend didn't become my boyfriend until many years later and after he'd been in prison). The three of us also lived together on several occasions, sometimes with a four, back in those early days.

My (now) boyfriend left here and ended up in prison in 1990. My ex moved out in early 1994. For years and years I found bottles hidden all over the house, out in the back yard, buried in the back yard, in a shed in the back yard. Bottles everywhere. It probably hasn't been two or three years since the last time I found a bottle somewhere.

The drug paraphernalia I haven't seen quite as much, but occasionally. Like I said, my now-boyfriend and I didn't become involved until recent years, and it was a little over four years ago when we first got in touch again after a decade of not being in contact. Sometime early on, four or so years ago, when we were talking over old days and old issues, he mentioned something about things probably being buried in all kinds of places in my back yard from back in those heavy drug days.

About eight or nine months ago I was poking around one of the trees in the back yard and unearthed a beer can. I knew from the brand that one of the two had buried it there, but it wasn't the beer can that was so unsettling... it was the obvious fact that, the way the dirt was packed in there, it had been buried there because something was buried in it.

I wrote my guy that night and told him about it, told him how it made me feel, bringing all that crap back even for a moment as it did, told him about how part of me wanted to take something and dig thru the dirt to see what was inside, but instead I just walked up front to the trash can and tossed it away.

I didn't really need to dig in there to know what it was, I'm sure it was a syringe. (He shot coke back in those days - he never touched heroin until he after he was locked up.)

There's always a moment when that whole nightmare just rushes right back as if it hadn't been away all these years when you come across something like that, and for a moment you feel just as crappy as you did back then in the middle of it all. And it's horrible. But there is something kind of great about the simple act of picking it up and throwing it in the garbage, without bothering to see what was inside 'cos you already know. It felt like another step towards putting all that in the past behind us, something which we may never 100% be able to succeed at doing, but every little step is a good thing.

Recent rains and erosion have unearthed the side of a glass Coke bottle stuck hard in the dirt that I see pretty much every day when I'm out with the dogs. I'm sure it's the same deal, and one of these days I will make an effort to yank it out of the ground and throw it away just like I did that can.

You may or may not want to write him about your experience. My guy and I are at a point where we can talk about those things. It might not be the best thing for y'all, and then again, letting him know how it made you feel might be a step in a good direction for y'all. I think that's the kind of thing one has to figure out for themselves and maybe nobody really can tell you the best answer because they're not you and him.

It's always going to hurt for a moment when you find that stuff, I can promise you that. But you have to take care of you and not let it wreck you. Sometimes you just have to savor the pain and anger for that moment and then say OK, time to move on, and put it behind you. That's part of taking care of you.

In any case, yes, I do understand. **{hugs}}

wifeindallas- thank you so much for your insight.

oscar714- you have brought tears to my eyes. this is a truley amazing post and reply. i never planned on leaving my husband. i believe in him 100%. he has made so many changes for the better.. i just thought we had gotten past all of those "findings". i am sure he doesnt remember(or has forgotten) what he has done. i do plan on addressing him on this and will let you guys know the outcome...

thanks again to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!! this is the reason i love PTO!!! i dont know what i would do without you!!!!!!!!!!

lysbeth- thank you so much.. it is so nice to know there are others that know the feeling. i hold no punches with my husband, especially when it comes to this. i plan on discussing this with him... he deals with reality better than hiding from something. i want him to feel the pain that i feel. i know to some this may sound harsh.. but why should i sit here and take it. he is the one that has done this to me. no one else.. he has asked me personally to be upfront with him. we have a lot of history and he has a lot of history of his upbringings(or lack there of) we both told each other a long time ago...to be totally honest with each other. this is my plan.. i know it will be an emotional visit for the both of us.... but why not get it past now than later.....

MLK2001,

I suggest bringing up the subject at the visit, though it will be an emotional time, he still needs to know how you feel and since you and your husband have a relationship where you can be straight forward, that is wonderful, I would talk about how you are feeling, and emotions that have been rehashed because of what you found. It is good to get all of that cleaned out and out in the open.

My prayers are with you for your visit, as always much love for ya sista girl! I hope you feel better and keep us posted how things went. Oh, one tidbit, do not overanalyze :-) I hope your smiling :-)

I would do this; I would write and just tell him...I was clearning out the garage and I found this tv thing you put on the tv.. Boy I have to throw it away cause the wires on it were broken.... Oh maybe it was me that broke it when I pull it out from behind all this ----....You could say a antenna if you want.. But just to get it off your chest you could beat around the bush. Just like your hinting around... Thats what I would do...That is a hard call.. But I couldn't hold it in.. But that's me............minnie:cool:

Thanks girls for everything....

serenitys dancer.... yes you made me smile!!! us and our thinking huh

I just wanted you girls to know that reading this post has been very helpful to me. I have been in recovery for over three yrs and my boyfriend has been in and out for years. I am scared to death that this isn't his bottom.

i am happy this has helped you. these girls really helped me also. it really brigthens my day to hear that it has really helped you to..

As a formerly active member, I find it harder and harder to reply to ANY posts lately...my husband returned home in March and things have not been as I had hoped...he turned to painpills about two-months ago and all that this lifestyle entails...I will leave it at that...he is currently in a thirty-day detox in another state...so far he has committed to staying there...but my heart and soul are so betrayed...so many years together...so much history, created a special, wonderful boy with this man, stuck by him and in the end, we are suffering along with him.

Addiction is so painful and never ending, its grip on my husband and our life is like superglue and my heart aches for the day when I will be happy again...

Grace, just wanted to give you a **{hug}}. My guy should have hit his bottom several dozen times at this point and it's unreal to think he could have possibly not hit "the" bottom yet. But it's possible. You can only take everything one day at a time, tho... or else you go crazy yourself. :yes:

MrsMaze, my heart goes out to you... I will keep y'all in my thoughts and prayers...

Mlk...girl I sooo know whatcha mean my husband had the "crack" problem too. Mlk girl write him that letter...u have to get out those's feelinsg girl...trust me i had sooo many of those's thoughts and when my hubby was in jail only for a month I wrote him a letter and girl i let it all out...you need to let him know that this has hurt you and what he put you threw. I still to this day have that mistrust in him and all the lying he did 2 me and just all the pain he has caused in my life and everything...Girl you need to let him know how badly he hurt you and that when he gets out how you dont want him to go back to using "crack". To this day when my hubby does get out I am scared to death that he will go back.

I think up front blunt honesty is the way to go. It will not help either of you to be in denial. Addiction needs to be brought to reality. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. He is in prison for a herion addiction. I will never forget "finding things". I had never experianced a herion user before so I had no idea what was going on the first time I woke up in the middle off the night to find that he had disappeared. I thought maybe he had ran off to be with another woman. Turns out he was involved in a love affair, but it wasn't with me it was with herion. He would rent a hotel room and lock himself up and do drugs for 2 or 3 days at a time. I didn't want to accuse him of the unknown so I started snooping. I searched his back pack one night and found used syringes, a belt, and bloody clothes. It sickened me. I had no clue that this is what he was doing. He is a complete work out freak and a health nut. I would have never thought that he would put such poison in his veins. I confronted him about it, and he freaked out. He told me not to tell any one his deepest darkest secret, but you know what I did. I told his family and his friends because it made him start taking responsiblity for his actions. I talk to him about this openly with him. I ask him questions and ask him why he feels he has to do this. I tell him that he looked like a disgusting zombie when he would come home from a binge. I bring reality to the situation. So tell him what you had found and how it made you feel. He needs to know what be an addict is all about, and how it hurts the ones that love him.