My husband Michael age 20 was arrested and charged with armed robbery. He was the one accused of having the gun and sticking it in someone's face to get the money. The gun was loaded, but when I talked to him on the phone when he first got locked up he said that wasn't true and he wasn't the one with the gun but I saw the tapes of him putting the gun in that woman's face. When I seen the tape I was very shocked because I have never seen him act that way towards anyone the way he acted towards that lady. He was so violent and hostile. I love him very much but ever since I seen the tape and heard him lie to me about it I am scared to death that he might act that way to me one day. He couldv'e killed that poor woman and if I make him mad enough he might kill me. Should I be scared or is it all in my head?
Someone please help me:eek:

i think i would be concern as well that he apprantely lied to you. not cool.

It is a concern!!! Honesty is a must in a relationship.Have you caught him in lies before? Steve&kids

i agree, honesty is very important in any relationship, he could be verey well just wanted to cover his buns with her and freak and lied,, would like to know if this is the first time myself

Melissa:

Does he use any sort of drugs? Could he have been on drugs when this happened? People do make mistakes. Don't completely judge him until you know all the facts. Then make your decision about what has happened.

Drugs can cause people to do very stupid things.


Donna

that is correct, so true donna

Mellisa,

Yes you should be very concerned. First you have seen he has the willingness to comit a violent act towards a woman. He has the ability to look you in the eyes, & straight up lie to you with a straight face. You also have seen him to try to deny responsibility for his actions. These are not good traits you want in a partner. As Donna said, if drugs were involved, that will only make things worse. You have some soul searching to do.--------Ken

HEY MELISSA.LOOK I WOULD BE A LITTLE CONCERNED.HONESTY IS A MUST IN A RELATIONSHIP ESPECIALLY A MARRIAGE.LET HIM KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN THE TAPE AND ASK HIM WHY HE LIED TO YOU.I UNDERSTAND THIS BECAUSE JESSE IS IN FOR ARMED ROBBERY ALSO.THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS HE NEVER ONCE LIED TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING FROM THE BEGINNING RIGHT DOWN TO WHO DID WHAT.JUST THINK ABOUT THINGS AND PRAY IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER.

All the advice has been good. I would personally wait till you can meet with him face to face and dont hold back. Ask him why he lied to you. Ask him why he was so angry and endangered the life of that lady. Then watch and listen to what he has to say. Do you really know this man? How has ya'lls communication been in the marriage up till now? Also, did you view the tape in the presence of the police, because thier opinions may have been given to you while you were in shock. They would like nothing more than to isolate your husband from his family. But, don't stay with him unless you feel safe. You will be in my prayers, god gives us the good judgement.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I have asked him why he lied to me right to my face while looking in my eyes but he just says that he doesn't want to hurt me. Yes I viewed the tape with the police and they think I should leave him because he will be locked up for a while but i just can't do that. He does do drugs and drinks alot but I don't know what to do to help him. I can't critisize him for the drugs and drinking because I do them too. I have caught him in lies before but more than lie, he keeps things from me. Instead of lying to me about something he will just leave that part out of the story, and I'll later find out on my own.

he needs help, if he has a drug problem then it wont get no better, only worse in most cases. i wish you well.

I too wish you well... You have some thinking to do...

This is a serious problem and one that won't go away on its own. Now I am not one that would blindly say to give up on him but personally I would want to see him making changes in his life to be able to commit to a future. I would want to see him taking anger management, drug and alcohol classes and any other programs that he can get involved in that will help him.

These kind of problems are fixable but HE has to want to change. I have been around enough drug and alcohol abusers in my life to know that they will not change because they are forced to and don't for a second think that he is not able to feed his habit while locked up.

Like I said, I would not abandon him, but do some serious thinking and decide how you proceed. He may need your support to make the changes or for the worst case, it may take you leaving him for him to realize and hit bottom...

Either way, something to think about...

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you!

Melissa, my boyfriend's original charge is armed robbery/car jacking. He was on drugs at the time, and he wanted this lady's car to sell for money. I have also watched him try to detox off heroin, the reason he is back in. I can not believe that the Robert I know is the Robert who car jacked some poor woman. But, like other people have said, drugs can make you do ANYTHING. I would be concerned about his lying to you. I understand him not wanting to hurt you, that is a natural reaction, but he needs to know that type of behavior will not be accepted. It used to worry me a little that Robert could scare a woman like he did, but I do know the kind of person that he is when he is not on drugs. And that is the person that he is now, and will always strive to be. People can and do change.

>>>I can't critisize him for the drugs and drinking because I do them too.<<<

Melissa, you can't except him to clean up his act, if you don't! If your using when he gets out, he will be right back using too! Then you should be VERY concerned of what might happen.

What you saw on the video tap was either drug controled or the lack of drugs "to" control.

You both need to get clean, in order to support each other in order to have a healthy relationship for a long time.

I'm not condeming either of you! It's your life and I'm not involved. I just wish you would think about the long haul and the possible outcome.

Thanks for the support everyone. But he is going to prison for like 7-10 years do they even have any type of drug or alcohol programs in prison? He asked me to find out for him because he wants to change.

Melissa,

Most prisons do have treatment programs - that is my understanding anyway. I am hoping that they do in NC but I am sure the NC PTO members will give you the information there.

Good luck with this... This is a tough one and I know that it seems a long way off now but if you are there to support him it will make it easier. Just remember your original post in this thread and make sure that you are doing what is best for you and your child.

This may sopund hard, but you need to worry about you. From what I read you are a user and also a co-dependent. He has his plate full in prison and more then likely if he truly wants to get clean and sober he will do that while he is there.
But NOW it is time to work on you. Right now you are the most important one. I know it is hard to feel that way.
You can't get clean and sober for him and he can't for you. You have to do it for you, because you are worth it.
You both have to work on yourself, before you can be any good for the other.
softie

What softheart has just said is the best advise your going to get. --------Ken

MELISSA

YES, NORTH CAROLINA DOES HAVE DRUG AND ALCOHOL PROGRAMS IN MANY OF THE PRISONS HERE. ALSO, THERE ARE MANY ON THE OUTSIDE THAT YOU CAN GET INVOLVED IN. LIKE B-RAY TOLD YOU, IF YOU DON'T GET HELP TOO, HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHAKE THIS HABIT. BOTH OF YOU MUST GET YOUR LIVES TOGETHER AND YOU MUST DO IT NOW. IF YOU REALLY LOVE THIS GUY, THEN HELP HIM. 1ST STEP IS GET OFF THE DRUGS YOURSELF, THEN YOU CAN HELP THE DOC HELP HIM....

MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU
DONNA

AA and NA are everywhere--even in North Carolina and even in most prisons.

Deb

Thanks for the advice everyone but it's not like we are some hardcore drug addicts or anything like that. We just smoke and drink with our friends when we wanna have fun. I don't really think it's something we really need help with. Because we can control it unlike some people and so right now I just think it's best if he does his time and gets that over with so he can get out and we can be together. But as far as a drug problem goes we are far from that. But thanks for trying to help anyway everyone!!!

Melissa, You said your 20 yr. old husband smokes and drinks alot, and that he wanted you to check out alcohol and drug programs in prison because he wants to change, and thats good.Then you said that you just smoke and drink with your friends when you want to have fun, and that its not something that you really need help with because you can control it.It sounds like your husband was out of control and he really does need some type of help. So please take a close look at what has happened and seek help for the both of you so you can be there for each other.Good luck to you both , and I hope this is the last time your husband has to spend time away from you.

He's trying to go to a drug rehab instead of a prison sentence as long as he admits that he does have a drug problem. I don't know if they are gonna do it or not but like he said worth a shot. Anyways he's going to lie to them and tell them he does even though he knows and I know that he doesn't have a serious problem with drugs. Drugs is not the reason that he did all this and go into trouble, as a matter of fact it has absolutely nothing to do with it but we are trying to get him out of going to prison for so long. He has been offered to go to the rehab for 2 years but I don't know if he's going to accept that because then he wouldn't get to see me or our son for 6 months. No contact at all. So he probably won't take it but whatever he does I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on the outcome!!!! Thanks for the support and advice everyone

I think that BRay and Lulu(and everyone else too:))...has offered you some very sound advice, but it is just that-advice. You need to search your soul and find the right answer for you.....for instnace when you say you're not hardcore users or anything(and that may be VERY true for you), but is it as true for him? Considering that video you just saw? That sh** sounds REAL REAL hardcore to me-JMO though. I don't want to be harsh or anything but you might want to examine how light and fun is use really is considering what he has sone and the violent nature of it. Once again-it's sooo JMO(obviously).

OK...let me throw my 2 cents in here from my own experiences. Kenny was in on an accomplice to armed robbery bid. He did not have the knife, the gf at the time did. So says he. Of course, I have since found out there is no accomplice about it...HE HAD THE KNIFE! HE CUT HER UP! He is also an alcoholic and drug addict. Now bear with me, and please do not take offense. I am very cynical about all this due to what I've been through, and I'm not about to beat around the bush. I'm going to lay it all out to you.

My husband was very sweet towards me...for a long time. I knew he was in on a violent crime, but I threw caution to the wind. I chalked it up to he was coked up. He'd never hurt me. WRONG! He beat me within an inch of my life! I had a broken nose, 2 black eyes, my ear was just one big bruise, split my head open, and broke a rib. He was drunk. If your husband is capable of holding a gun to a clerk's face, well honey, he is capable of hurting you too. You never know what it is going to take to make them snap. Never! I took his keys away so he couldn't drive drunk. That's all it took. We ended up in a hotel where he smoked crack in front of my son and raped me....in front of my then 3 year old son.

My husband also went to rehab in lieu of a prison sentence. He came out just as bad. he whined about how he wanted to change, but in reality, he was just tring to get out of more time. It don't work that way.

Now here comes blatant honesty. I am a recovering addict. I too said I didn't have a problem...drugs had nothing to do with what I was doing. No, of course it didn't have anything to do with slicing a girl's leg open. I mean jeez...I was in total control. Then comes reality check....I WAS NOT IN CONTROL! And obviously, neither is your husband. Armed robbery is NOT control. And if he wasn't drinking or on drugs when it happened, then he has other issues! SERIOUS issues! Acceptance is one of the first steps in recovery...accepting you have a problem and you have no control over it. And if you know he was on drugs or drinking when it happened, and you say he does not have a problem, girl, get yourself to an al-anon meeting and I mean like yesterday! That is codependency at it's finest.

Now understand, I am not trying to be a bitch. I've been there. And it's sheer hell. YOU may not have a problem, but it really looks like he most likely does. Until you can see that, you can't help him...all you will do is enable. Trust me hon, I covered up a lot for Kenny....swore there was no problem....for a long time. And this was coming from someone who admittedly had addictions. I should have seen it and I should have known better. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you're close to your husband's age...so with that assumption, you have a whole lot of living to do. I really don't want to see you go through the hell I did. At 24, I've been through way too much and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm just trying to be straight up with you here. I know that had someone been this honest and blatant with me, maybe I would have opened my eyes sooner. But people beat around the bush...they were always scared what my reaction would be. Life's too short. And it would have saved me years of agony. So I apologize on some levels for being so blatant. But, it's a hard thing to hear no matter how it's put, so better to be bold and lay it all out, right?

Melissa, depending on where he is, there are varoius drug programs available. If he sincerely wants to get help, he will. The fact that he recieved 7-10 can be blessing. Encourage him to use the time wisely.

I would away from this man. If he is willing to swear to you that it wasn't him holding the gun but the tapes show otherwise, why bother with him? I mean, if he is willing to lie to you over this, knowing that you could, and did check out the lie, then what in the future will he lie to you about. I would also be concerned for my safety. If he is capable of being so out of control and angry once, bet that he will head in that direction again. Do you want to live your life with this man walking on eggshells and doing his bidding so as not to make him angry because you fear his wrath? Life is too short sweetie and you need to find someone to equally be honest, loving and trustworthy to you. This man is not it. You are worth far more than to fear this man for the rest of your life. Just my two cents.

hey i just want to pipe in really quick...lying before trial is not raelly something one can have total judgement on...all calls and often visits are recorded and even if he wanted to tell you the truth he was 1. scared 2. told by his lawyer what to do...
yes, they do have rehab in prison, and most likely he will have to go as they mandate it of most people...i do not know how good it is and i am sure it varies state to state.

The advice Jasmine has given you is very important and very good for both of you..... Sometimes it really is hard to see that you do have a problem. Sometimes it becomes almost too late before people are willing to accept that.

Like she said, truth sometimes is a hard thing to see and accept. But, because we care, here is the truth.

Our Love
Donna