i just wanted to know. my fiance is a lifer who got served a 17 year to life sentence. i met him while he was in prison, and we've been together off and on for the last 6 years. i love him with all my heart and we are the best of friends. we planto marry by the end of this year. he's been down for 15 years and there's a strong possibility that he may come home, but there's also a possibility that he may not. i truly love this man and i am down for him regardless. but for those of you that are married to lifers or plan to stay with them for the long run how do you maintain? it sad that the realization is that we may never be with them outside of prison....it just hurts, but the love is so strong. how do you keep your head up? how do you hold on?

Tresie, thanks for posting this. I'm not married to a lifer but I'm engaged. We have plans on marrying soon. I try to think positive. On those days when I'm feeling really down, I write him and tell him how I feel...no matter how bad those thoughts are. Other members in here says that Ben&Jerry's ice cream works (smile)...but seriously, there is no formula for this. I have faith...thats all I can hold on to right now. If you ever want to talk, pm me.

This is a good topic, My fiancee doesnt have life, but he was facing it at a point in his trial. I sat hard and thought could I really stay with someone who has life in Prison. But when love is there and it is as strong as it is for me, I think I could have done it. It would have ben hard as heck but Love conquers all! Dont worry there is a light at the end of every tunnel, just takes some longer to get there than others!

I've been married for 19 years to my lifer man. I maintain by having an active life outside of the prison. Lets face it, there is no waiting around for a lifer to get out of prison. you have to make sure you don't waste yours by sitting around not doing anything because you feel bad that your man can't do it with you!! Also the personality of the Man is important to the survivial of the marriage. Is he easy going and understanding of your goals and responsibilities? Does he understand that you are willing to share your life with him but not give it up for him?
Just make sure that he is the right one for you and do not enter into the marriage lightly!!!

Penwife, exellent words of wisdom, again:)

Susan

Aw Shucks, Susan, thankya very much!!!! Penwife, exellent words of wisdom, again:)

Susan

I am the girlfirend of a lifer, without parole. we have talked about getting married. my heart says yes but if he ever got out (don't know how that could happen) i don't know if i could be married to him then b/c he will prob be involved in something illegal and i want no part of that! i also do not know how much it can impact my career. my heart says yes but it is something to think thru!!!

I am not with a lifer but had to read this thread and its posts....I have wondered about this kind of thing myself...Its one thing to know that "some day" you'll be together...it's a whole other thing to do what you are doing. I have wondered how you do it and I don't know that I could ever do it....but "Penwife" you helped clear that up a little! I commend you ladys...you have tremendous compasion and are amazing people to stick by someone who will never be completely available to you! The thing is they are "human beings" that could have spent all those years alone....I bet they know how lucky they are to have you....how could they not! Stay strong!

Wonderful thread and thanks for the opportunity to support. I was proposed to 2 years ago. we were supposed to get married in august. Transfer issues and some personal issues with my last divorce put things on hold. in my heart, i would marry him in a hot minute. the reality of the circumstances get hard and confusing most days. I dont know how i do what i do, i jsut do it. no one answer from me here. all i know is he is worth it...and it is what is...

Dawn

:) hI ALL! Im glad to see this post. My bf just asked me to marry him last Sunday. His sentence is 40 to life. I know he will be out one day. I told him if he has to do his entire sentence and didnt come home till he's 72 I'll still be there for him ! I just keep on hoping and praying things will change as far as his out date goes. I just try to keep busy in the meantime. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel . got to keep faith and hope.

Girl, you know I'm thinking of you on this one. Having just gotten married over the weekend to the love of my life on DR, it is not an easy decision and it is a very personal decision. No amount of input swayed my decision. I had to know in my heart if I was capable of supporting my husband through all that loving someone on DR brings. Not only supporting him but while maintaining a healthy and emotionally stable life myself. After a lot of thought, I knew in my heart it would not be any other way.

Tink

Hi everyone.. goodmorning.. lifers ladies.. and others. THanks for the post this has been an ongoing issue in me and my lifers life.. it's funny i just received a letter and in it it said"when are you going to be my wife, or are you just telling me that because that is what i want to hear" .. when i visited yesterday i said.. "i am waiting on you">> we need a transfer, we both agreed years ago, that we did not want to do it behind glass, but i think if we have too , we would.. we love each other.. pen wife put it wonderfully really it is very important to me, that i feel supported on my life choices outside and i live my life.. i am lucky in this aspect brian supports me in my work, school definately and he encourages me to go out and live and have a good time, however i feel guilty even talking about going out.. sometimes. I dont' know how to talk about it.. b/c i wish he was there too!! summers are even more difficult.. i don't know why seems i can get through the b/s of christmas and other hooplas.. but something about summer nites..:((((( dam
ok enough from me zip it up donna!
ps.. i allready feel married to him!!
just a note

DOnna

psss. and yes it is true lots of ICE CREAMMMM . ben and jerrys is the prefrence.. lots of laughs.. and hot baths.. hmm what else a good friends shoulder to cry on.. and pick up reading.. :)) stay away from the love stories.. though:)


thanks qwert .. love your casper.. spooks girl.. :)))
Donnaxo

I fell in love with my fiance 15 years ago. Due to his ex-wife, we split ten years ago. I found him again, in Feb 2004; he is serving 15 to life. I am glad to see this question about loving a lifer.....You see I loved him apart for ten already..now we are engaged and plan to marry in January 2005. I will be here for him for as long as it takes. Its not easy no, there ARE times when you get down..but, I keep looking up! We both have a tremendous amount of faith and pray all the time. I delight in his letters and phone calls, and the once a month visits( I live 8 hrs away right now). It will be somewhat easier when I relocate closer to where he is incarcerated. At least I can see him every weekend then. He should have gotten involuntary manslaughter, so its all a big mess. I believe our love is strong enough to get us through however long he has. It is scary to think what if he has to pull all the time.....but I have a lawyer and am trying my best to get this situation righted. He has a habeas case pending, and hopefully the attorney can do something. My advice is have faith, pray, talk on PTO ( its a great support group, and I appreciate all of you who are going through the same thing!!!!) and just let time pass......it will........love to all

Hi there,
well, I´m a member of this club (smile) I married my husband last year and he is a lifer too. I believe this happened for a reason. I´m proud to be his wife and I have happiness and peace the way it is. Your heart will tell you what to do. And when you have any doubts there is nothing wrong to wait. Whatever your decision will be, I wish you all the strength you need.....and of course I wish this all the others too. Sorry about my english, I´m german.

Lilaliese

Welcome to the life club, Lilaliese!! Glad to have you with us!!!Hi there,
well, I´m a member of this club (smile) I married my husband last year and he is a lifer too. I believe this happened for a reason. I´m proud to be his wife and I have happiness and peace the way it is. Your heart will tell you what to do. And when you have any doubts there is nothing wrong to wait. Whatever your decision will be, I wish you all the strength you need.....and of course I wish this all the others too. Sorry about my english, I´m german.

Lilaliese

Wow you are all angels sent from god above, i have been feeling down and out lately, its a hard road to cross, but i wouldnt have it any other way. My honey has an 80 year sentence, and i dont even know much about when he will be out, but i take it day by day, i leave it in gods hands, and we both live by faith. We have known each other since we were 16 years, and now we are both 28. We have been reunited for almost a year, so its all new to me, but i love to hear about stories, of other women who have done it for so many years. it just gives me more hope to believe that one day he will come home. Thank you all very much.. Where can i get my wings? :)

Hello, This is my first time writing. I just got married to a lifer. I've known Steven since we were 14 and 15 years old. He is my first love. Steven got busted when he was 18 years old he's now 31. We've always remained in contact. I started coming up in 2002 again to visit. I knew this time I wasn't going to leave again. Steven and I were married March 2004. It definately is a personal decision we all have to make. I love Steven and I know I'll never stop loving him. I know he's not ever coming home but I pray the laws change and maybe someday things might change. Steven and I just had a baby (don't ask) but I try to keep a normal life as possible. And I try to include him in it as much as possible. Relationships are hard no matter if there in or out. The love that we have for our lifers, I think sometimes is much greater because of the sacrifices we make. Not everyone is willing to make those sacrifices and thats ok but for those who do I commend you. It's hard but totally worth it. I wish all of you hapiness in your marriges and relationships.

Stevens girl

I think the absolutely most important thing in marrying a Lifer or even considering it is not to kid yourself. If you marry them, do it with the full belief that they aren't going to be free to be with you. Sure, you always hope and dream and some do get out, but if you marry them with the thought that someday they're going to be free some way, by some miracle, then you're not in the right frame of mind to make that commitment. There will be some point at which you finally have to accept that he's not ever going to be free and that it's been somewhere in your mind as a condition of your marriage. When that happens, then you fall away. If you can search your heart and KNOW without a single doubt that you could live the rest of your life with him locked up, then you can make the commitment and if he does get out someday, that will be the icing on the cake.

When a marriage fails out here in the free world, it's devastating, but when it fails for a Lifer, his whole reason for being is suddenly gone. Lifers I've known can accept being inside, doing their time, and leaving relationships and marriage to those out here. If they do commit to someone and marry them, that's a huge vulnerability for them. That's why so many Lifers don't do it and just cut ties to the free world.

Also, continually talking about "when you get out" or telling them how much you miss having them with you and how lonely you are makes it harder for them, too, because it's pointing out to them that they're causing you to feel badly or that the fact that they may not get out is a disappointment to you. They can feel as though they're failing you and sometimes they'll even decide to let you go. If you marry a Lifer, you do his time with him so you're a Lifer, too, and you learn to live without torturing yourself or him.

Some couples make the arrangement that the woman can date and have sex with others. That's not an arrangement I could live with, but I know of some for whom that seems to work. The guy will tell the woman to do what she wants but just not fall in love with anyone else. The Energizer bunny has been my steady "other man" and even though that's not the same, it takes the edge off. I'm a 12-stepper and 12-steppers are way good for non-sexual hugging, so between the bunny and some huggers and the companionship of good friends, you can survive quite well without the need for other men if that's not for you.

I'm not with a Lifer now. Mine died in prison. He only had 25 to life and was coming up for his first parole hearing in a couple of months at the time he died. That's been quite awhile ago, but I still learned a lot and I think my advice is just as good as if I were still a Lifer Lady. I'll always have a heart for Lifers.

Hi,

Well my brother is a lifer and I feel like I am married to him at times. He is so demanding and yes it is really sad too. I have been dealing with it for almost 11 yrs. If you ever need to talk then pls email me anytime.
Take care and keep ur head up
Colleen in Boston

my bf is a lifer. we were involved in the same case. my sentence is 20 ys .now i m out on parole.we love each other. and plan to get marrried this yr.

I married my husband after he had served 11 years out of a LIFE plus 16 year sentence. I met him while he was in prison, so i knew what I was getting myself into. I love him so much I just didn't want to live my life without him. We don't have the regular kind of marriage but we do have "dates" evert Sat and Sun and we write passionate love letters and since I just figured out how to forward my calls to my cell phone, he calls me at work to see how my day is going. This life isn;t for everyone and it is because I have such an open honest relationship with my husband that we have been able to make this work for the past 6 years.

I have just been reunited with my first love from 20 years ago. He was sentenced this year to LIFE, sentencing guideslines said 180-300 months, but the judge said LIFE at the hearing. He asked me to marry him during one of my visits with him at the county jail before he was sentenced and I said yes, unfortunately thru glass :( He went to Egeler and now has recently arrived at Brooks in Muskegon, 2 1/2 hour drive from me. I have never stopped loving him since we parted ways 18 years ago when we were both about 19 years old...now we are both 37 and love each other still. I cannot imagine him being in prison for life...it really sucks. He is appealing the conviction, it was self defense plain and simple, but unfortunately he had a first time attorney, court appointed and the police did not investigate appropriately. I am sure it is wishful thinking but I have to have hope right? I am going to marry him no matter what lies ahead.

My man and I are engaged and will be married in October if all goes well, all we do is leave it up to the lord and he will guide us.. We also keep the faith and if it's the lords will then maybe someday he will be coming home, that is in the lords time and not ours. we have a very open relationship and I too can't see myself without him. He is my rock and I am his. Sometimes when he's feeling down, i wonder if it's better off if we weren't together, but then i think I don't know what I'd do without him.. I tell him Babe I'm here for the long haul. I am his and he is mine.. Always.. Sometimes it does get hard but with alot of prayer, love and faith we'll be fine.. Couldn't see myself without him...

I was just browsing and I cam across this thread and I had to respond. I commend you ladies for loving someone so much that you could say for better or worse knowing that things aren't ideal. My fiance will be home at the end of next year but he's been there for close to 12 years. I haven't been with him the enitre time but we've been best friends since we were 14.

Do you have children and if not does the thought of not having any ever cross your mind?

I will keep all of you in my prayers. God can and WILL give you the strength that you need.

I am not a lifer girlfriend but I have been in love with my fiance for 10 years and his sentence was 30 which 10 years have felt like life. I just wanted to give you ladies props that's for sure, to open your world and hearts to those that would have been alone. I am not here to ask why cuz you don't need to explain to me or anyone for that matter. Just keep doing what your doing and I hope that all of your lifers do get out one day,

I'm married to my lifer. He is doing LWOP right now but we are working to get a new trial or at least a sentence reduction. We had only been married for 5 months when he was arrested. It will be 5 years this July.

I have been married to a lifer 14 years and we have 5 children ages 13 and above he has been away for almost 13 years now and just found out last week he did not make parole again and received a two year set off. He is in for non-aggravated which sucks because he was at the wrong place at wrong time. We reman strong and the kids and I are vey involved in our community and church. And I am currently working on my Masters so I stay pretty busy. It does get to me sometimes but then I think about him and how bad it is on him not being here for me and kids.

I officially came out of the closet ( lifer's , that is ;) on December 11, 2004.We've be together though for almost 2 years though. And yes penwife, lovely words and toi ama . I love ya girl !!! Your posts always make it so clear for me :thumbsup: