I have posted several messages about how to help my boyfriend and the effects of meth. He disappeared again. It's been 24 hours since he has been gone. I know that he is out doing meth. His slip ups were only about once a month, but they are more frequent now. He has all of the tools to help him: support groups,prayer, even two pastors to counsel him one on one during the week. He even has two pastors that will come and get him no matter where he is to stop him from doing drugs. He tells me that he wants to stop, but I know now that his desire to quit is not strong enough. I cannot marry a man that is dependent upon a substance and lets it rule and destroy his life. My question to someone is how do you stop caring? How do I get out? Is there anyone in this forum that is in the process of getting out of a relationship with a meth addict or who already has? Your input would help. Thanks everyone.

I'd tell you to attend an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting...for families/loved ones of addicts.

Christen:

As a person who's worked in the field of substance abuse for over fifteen years and a person who has been in relationships with active users and recovering addicts...here' my two cents worth. Other than saying "I care about you" and "I will help and support you when you are ready" there is little else you can do. Believe me, I know the pain and the desire to want to "fix him." But you can't. The only way that an addict will get to the point of wanting to change is if he/she has to feel the pain of their action...suffer the consequences...and everyone's bottom is different. Apparently he hasn't had enough yet. I know the fear - he might die - but frankly, if you continue to support him in an unhealthy way (enabling) that will just kill him quicker. You have to let go - easier said than done. The feelings won't go away - you love him, you care about him, but right now there is nothing that you can do. It sounds like he knows what to do for recovery - it's his choice now. Let go, get support, talk to people who understand (a lot don't!!!). Check out support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, find your own therapist that knows about addiction and co-dependency and just one day at a time...let go. This is so deep and so complex and so hard yet so simple too. If you have more questions or want support feel free to PM me. I wish you all the best and know that I understand.

Lynn

Do's and Don't' of loving Meth Addicts:

DO accept you are NOT in control of others lives, chemical use, lies, actions, emotions, finances, or feelings.

DO know that you cannot deal with a loved one who is using meth on your own and that without God, you are destined to be in constant turmoil regarding your life. You will be just as CRAZY as the Tweaker you love.

DO seek out other people who have been where you are now and listen to their comments without getting defensive. Know they are trying to help, not be critical.

DO take a personal inventory of the way in which you interact with the meth user and determine if you are in any way, preventing their recovery. Also determine if you are in any way enabling them to continue using or being an umbrella or safety net for them.

DO get on with your life as best as you can. They may not ever get WELL, you must realize this and accept it. If you cannot get your self to the point
where this fact does not wreak havoc on you personally, then YOU MUST put distance between yourself and the user. This sounds cold but it is actually the opposite, as you need to realize that you must take care of you.

DO understand the dynamic of the relationship between the addict and their addiction. They are not the person you love and yet they are at the same time.
The person you love is not really in control at this point. Their addiction is. This addiction really does not care about you or your loved one's. It has NO conscience. It cares only about satisfying it's chemically derived need. This is not personal or meant to be vindictive; it is just the nature of addiction. It is over-whelming powerful. Your loved one is powerless against it on their own.

DO realize that the person you love can eventually come back, although in all honesty, the odds are against it.

DO learn everything you can about the drug, addictions and co-dependency. The more you know the better prepared you are to take care of yourself and be an assist in any hope of recovery that the addict may have.

DO try and help others who are hurting in the same way that you are hurting. This does two things:

1. It allows you to gain a better understanding of your relationship with the user. (You can see similarities and know you are not alone).

2. It will make BOTH of you stronger (Iron sharpening Iron).


DO not allow yourself to be manipulated by the user. It is NOT your fault they are an addict. It is NOT your fault that they are not in control of their lives. It is NOT your fault that they are broke or losing their children, it is THEIR fault and the result of choices that THEY made. The very first step towards recovery
for them will be the recognition of this fact.

DO not fall victim to Guilt. EVERY addict will try and blame someone else for their situation. As I said, the first step in their recovery will be accepting responsibility. You MAY actually BE DOING something that IS contributing to their problem but they are not going to be in a sound enough mindset to determine what that might be. They will just be trying to run a guilt trip on you if they say it is something you are doing. (I.e. Cop Out).

DO not "ride the roller coaster" during their recovery. Addicts almost never "get it right" on the first attempt. Watch yourself and your feelings and do not get sucked back down or back in. They will be going through an emotional roller coaster themselves also. Try and be understanding of this. Also know that if they were heavy users, it may take a month of abstinence before they return to anything near normal.

I researched a lot on meth addiction, because it was brought in my life by my babies dad.
and having worked in addiction myself, and being a recovering person, in all my life I have never seen such devestation this drug can bring. Only YOU can decide what you need to do, but my suggestion is do not marry this man, get out!!, put some distance between you and him. The truth is you can't fix him, and like appleteddy said, be careful that you are not enabling him further by letting him come and go in and out of your life. He might "want" to change, but that can go on for a very long time while he continues to use drugs. It keeps you living in false hope and allowing his manipulations to keep you hooked. You then become his reason for using, YOUR FAULT for him relapsing. You weren't supportive enough, You nag him too much, you don't offer enough support and or unconditional love.. You become as addicted to him as he is to his drugs and everything that goes along with that lifestyle...trust me I KNOW and it sucks..I got real sick behind his addiction and I am picking up the peices of my devestated heart, and chaos of a life, and hanging onto my own recovery by just a thread. It is a hell you don't deserve to be in and don't let yourself convince yourself of well maybe this time, or if only I could love him more unconditionally he will stop. He will not stop until he is ready to stop and he may never. Most don't. Some do, but only when THEY have had enough and are willing to go to any lengths. They can't beat meth addiction because of their wife, loved ones, children they must do it for themselves...and its being shown that meth is the hardest addiction to treat. It causes irreversable brain damage in just a short time of use. The longer they use it the more damage they do.
Hon, I am in that process of letting go and by FAR it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do...Meth took my self-esteem, self-worth, almost caused me to give up my own recovery, and it took the father of my son and turned him into the most evil person I have ever met...overnight. '

good luck to you and if you need me, PM me.

Christen, Please listen to the above advice....I know it to be true and it is all fact.

Christen-how are you today? Any news?
I am thinking about you cuz I know your pain-

Sorry to bug in Christen's thread... But I saw that she and I are in the same boat. I went to see my ex's current girlfriend in the city and she said that he's back in prison. I knew instantly that it was for probation violation. I'm guessing he could be in for 3 to 30 days? Then I went over to the jail and left him a written message and $3 enough to get him to a shelter or a friend's place. That was Tuesday, June 8th. I saw him last on May 18th, I posted a post about that somewhere.. So I'm curious when I'll see him next?

Uhnfortunately, thats why mine is on the inside right now. I sincerely believe, there is nothing you can do. Meth is related to the devil.

My ex got released in April... He did 20 days (May 29-June 18) in jail for a pro. viol. and now he's gone with my money. He lied that he's gonna bail his friend out with my money I lended him, but I found out he's not even in a jail. I don't know what to do cuz my ex's gone with my legit money that I worked hard & honest for. I think I'll drive to the city tonight alone without my son and try to hunt him down and take it back!!

Christen, we're definitely going through the same thing. I don't have any advices cuz I haven't succeeded yet. If I ever do, I'll be sure to come back and give you tips.

Christen,
I am in the same boat with my man. He got released last August, he has used about once every month and a half, crack. I don't do drugs myself, which is why I don't know everything about the drug. I have done alot of research on line about the drug. Actually, as we speak I am waiting for him to come home from a binge. Whenever he goes into a binge, usually only lasting a day and a half, he won't answer his cell phone during that time. I hate when he does this, because it is always preceeded by lies. I feel like it is personal, but I think once the craving takes over his brain, no one is safe from his lies. I never know what to do with myself when he does this, i just cry alot, i guess it's because I get frustrated that he doesn't think enough of himself to stop.
I dated him in high school, and he wasn't into that stuff then. Then it was about 10 years before we hooked back up, last august. He was in for three and a half years
for bank robbery. Right before he went in, he was deep into the drug game. Using, dealing, robbing, boosting stolen goods, He used on a weekly basis, a few times a week. I don't know how to help him. He is so incredibly awesome to me when he's sober. That's why it's hard for me to say goodbye.

Christen...

The question is do you really want to get out? If you do than you most think about the kind of life you'll have if this man does not stop... Or what if he starts telling you tales about were he's going or were he's been .... He tells you that he not using and by now you can tell by his face and eyes... If you stay with him, you have a chance of losing everything you own...Than how would you feel? If one day you can home to no home or if something you have met the world to you and it was gone? Than what??:eek: .. The best way to leave someone is put your mind to it and tell your self is this the kind of life I want to live?? What happens when your getting old and you can stop working cause you'll have no income or he lands back in prison than what???:confused: .... Make a list of the good and the bad..See which one comes up on top.. Than make a list of what you had with this man? what you'll have with this man if you marry him... Start writing about your life with him. Start making yourself realize what if he never stops? Than what are you going to do stay up waiting and wondering ? where is he at? Who is he's with? What kind of life to you want...Happy:) .??..Sad and wondering??:idea: ...Think about the future:( ????What well or could happen to him and you if he never stop:angry: ????Nothing except back in prison, Than what would you do? Wait again???.....Think christen about what you want out of life before it's to late................minnie:cool: PS........ Time flys.................