I wonder if it's just now hitting me... I got a quick letter from my friend, he ended it saying if I ever feel alone or down I should remember how deeply he cares for me... a month or two ago, reading that would have made me feel SOOOO good, but today I am feeling really sad instead. I don't understand myself sometimes!! :)

Is it just the reality sinking in that is as good as it's going to get? That we'll always only have letters and missed phone calls and occasional faraway visits?

I have a very rich life with friends and family, but he is so dear to me (and I know I am to him), and I don't know where this empty feeling is coming from... it's like I want more, but what more can we possibly have given the situation? I knew he was going to get life when I met him, so I walked in knowingly. I think I just got the lifer blues...

I guess my question is: Did it ever hit you hard when you realized what life with your lifer was going to be like?

How did you deal with it?

:confused:

I have been doing the prison life thing for 19 years. There are times when I get down and want to run away and not have to ever think about visiting room change or dress codes!!
Then i remember why i have stayed so long. My husband is my soul mate. We are made of the same cloth and there is not another man out there that comes close to what my man is. For me there is no other life.

Qwerty: Thank you for posting this topic, I have often had the blues.. on this subject.. somedays are harder than others. I found myself like this for two months.. after he and I had a "bad"visit, and he stated he did not want me to come up for visits.. i stayed away from everything that reminded me of him, after awhile i stopped pto.. took a break from all the daily life of living in loving a lifer. I too have to reflect back on letters.. that is how sometimes i stay in there.. i just received a letter yesterday.. stating "keep your love for me strong in your heart".. and i really try.. but i too feel that empty feeling .. something is missing!! it;'s our soul mate.. (penwife). It's the loneliness..for them. NO matter how much i fill my life up .. there's a void. Just keep doing what your doing POSTING, and venting i need you.. all of you..

Thanks
Donna

Let me start at an attempt for a smile...Qwerty, i was at work last night and it occured to me like a flash "Her PTO name is the first 6 letters on the keyboard!" Genious that i am!

I have the lifer blues now. They used to be what i called "Bad Jerry Dayz" but its been months. Lately i have been comparing the potential pain of living without him to the pain of living this life. Again i choose the pain of this life. Just nothing i can do about it. Nothing ever seems to have a solution, nothing ever seems to change, queen of patience! The transfers to GP, the transfers downstate to increase our visits...we are both doing all we can and nothing seems to ever go our way. I get so tired of nothing changing.

So lately our letters have been that simular to bickering. Because we are both each others best friends, we vent they bad and ugly along with the good. And we both cant seem to decipher venting with consistant feelings. We just need a visit to get re-centered. And when life is so hard and stressful for me out here, it makes it even harder for me to be so deeply loved by a man, that i cant have. His letters have really slowed because we have to ration the envelopes/stamps. He is not gambling or hustling anmore so as not to break a single rule so we can get a transfer. This means all he has is the few dollars i send him, which isnt much. its nothing he is doing or not doing, he is doing the best he can, which makes me feel bad too. The longer i go between seeing him and the less the letters and no calls, makes him seem to dissappear in my world.

Anyway, i could go on and on, thanks for the thread. I needed to vent.

Dawn

Wow, thanks for all the thoughtful replies, it's so good to know there are others feeling some of the same things...

Dawn -- yes, my name is the first letters on the keyboard because I am lazy!!! :D I know what you mean about them "disappearing" in our world, I was doing fine and not really thinking about him until I got his letter. He can only sneak phone calls right now, and I always seem to miss them. You're right, what's getting to me is this feeling that nothing is changing...

Penwife, 19 years!!!!!!! Dang!!!! Please share some more secrets, I cannot imagine HOW you do it...it's not the love part I don't get, it's more that this life and the feelings that go with it can be so confusing!

Donna, I guess we're in the same boat because I am also being scarce after a "bad" visit, not sure when we'll start THAT again. I really miss the visits, but I almost don't want to go because it will stir up my emotions again... anyway, they're on lockdown, so no visits now anyway!

all I can do is write to him, so that's what I'm going to do :)

thanx everybody, it always helps so much to hear from you...

Dawn, No wonder your feeling so blue.. girl.. lack of visits.. for me communicatin is key these letters get "misinterpeted" by myself and Brian.. meaning face to face.. even it is between glass, is better than .. guessing at times! This is not easy.. I can't help but get excited for you Dawn though for this weekend visit.. .. you must be getting nervous and excited.. he is going to be so happy and surprised..

I agree this life is a tough one, however i do choose to live it.. i enjoy my letters.. my visits.. and today.. i have hope that we can get to the next step .. I believe in time he may settle down.. i am enjoying my piece of serenity right now.. watch me next week .. pms .. time.. then everything S@@@S! again... oh well we are riding a huge wave.. enjoy the good times.. and sweet memories.. and hang on tight for the "bad" days.. know your thought of . big hugs your way

Donna

ugh. i gotz da blues too.

:(

i too knew what i was getting myself into when i "chose" my honey. i wouldnt trade him for the world, and i didnt fool myself into thinking it was gonna be easy, but DAAY-UM!!! i just wanna be able to pick up the phone when i want to! even if i cant see him everyday..i can live with that, but to not be able to pick up the phone and just tell him "hey, im thinkin about ya, i love you" .. THATS what bites.

why would God give him to me and then never let me have him?
i try to be tough, but sometimes i just wanna cry my eyes out.

even though i dont post a whole bunch, this place has really helped me.
thanks :)

QWERTY! Chocolate icecream is my secret for a long prison marriage! Actually it's my answer to everything!! Wow, thanks for all the thoughtful replies, it's so good to know there are others feeling some of the same things...

Dawn -- yes, my name is the first letters on the keyboard because I am lazy!!! :D I know what you mean about them "disappearing" in our world, I was doing fine and not really thinking about him until I got his letter. He can only sneak phone calls right now, and I always seem to miss them. You're right, what's getting to me is this feeling that nothing is changing...

Penwife, 19 years!!!!!!! Dang!!!! Please share some more secrets, I cannot imagine HOW you do it...it's not the love part I don't get, it's more that this life and the feelings that go with it can be so confusing!

Donna, I guess we're in the same boat because I am also being scarce after a "bad" visit, not sure when we'll start THAT again. I really miss the visits, but I almost don't want to go because it will stir up my emotions again... anyway, they're on lockdown, so no visits now anyway!

all I can do is write to him, so that's what I'm going to do :)

thanx everybody, it always helps so much to hear from you...

Okay, penwife, if that's your answer, you have to join the lifer's blues band! i'm starting a new thread :D

To make a long story short...my man has life without the possiblity of parole. So you know when those blues hit they hit hard. We are also going through a bit of a hard time right now. It's that lonely feeling again. But I have a strong man who does everything in his power to be strong for me. Ironic isn't it? I always thought that I was supposed to be the one who needed to hold down the fort. It took a while but we have finally figured this life out. We have to be strong for each other. He has finally realized that he is not doing this time alone. We as his family is serving every minute of every day with him. The best advice he has ever given me was "I don't expect your life to stop just because mine did!" He encourages me to lead a productive life outside of the prison. You need to break yourself away every now and then. Refresh yourself you know. A strong bond with family and friends always helps too. You get lonely because you want to share everything with your lifer. But what helps me is I basically use him as my journal. I write as much as possible. Take as many pictures as needed. It's bad enough that my daughter flew in a plane and wanted him to see the clouds. She took 27 pictures out of a plane window! Funny huh? Just keep faith and good communication with your loved one. Encourage each other and never forget why you are together. You can lead your own life outside as well as lead one with him.

Sorry so long but I too needed to vent!!

Ness...vent away! thats why we are here. I am due for a great venting myself actually. The picture thing is jsut a reality of life for us isnt it? i take my pictures into work and show them around. Everyone says "why did you take a picture of your living room?" Gee so Jerry can know what it looks like! I am the queen of 'scan/copy/paste' ...when it comes to pics. I am sorry you have that 'lonley' thing coming up on ya...I am having the 'hopelessness' hitting me real bad today. I got al etter from the Deputy Warden and after 2 years of fighting for a transfer to increase visits...nothing has changed. Maybee next year i can have my first contact visit huh? So i have to put all this aside and go on with my day like it never existed. Cant let this life interfer with my reality RIGHT? Not fair to everyone else that i am glum because of a choice i made, right?

How do i do it???? At the moment...i have no clue.

Dawn

Sorry to peek in on you guys, I just always read all the new post. I just want to say I commend all of you for your strength. I don't know how you guys do it but your men sure are lucky. I pray for all of you. When my man was down, I didn't think I was gonna be able to draw my next breath without him (and it was only 2 years), it was you ladies that I drew my strength from. My heart weeps for you, but I am also full of admiration.

Now I'm gonna get out of ya'lls thread and let you get back to venting. You are some strong a$$ women and I am really sending many positive thoughts your way.

He's been in there only over a year. I am here for him no matter what but it is so hard. Daily letters, weekly phone calls and not yet a visit. I have almost 6 shoe boxes full of mail just from this past year. We lived together 3 1/2 years before he made his mistake. Now he is gone forever it seems-LIFE w/ poss. parole. I love him so much but We are so young. I am 24 and he is 22. I love being here for him but I don't know how much longer I can do it. Its hard with a full time job and everything else going on. I am truly in love with him and I know that I need to stay strong.Just knowing that he has life though is so heart breaking because it doesn't matter how many letters or phone calls- we will never be together in the free world again! He is my best friend and I'd like to believe if the shoe was on the other foot- he would be there for me. I just think it is unbelieveable that they would give someone life at such a young age for a crime he honestly just witnessed. Now, he is there on his own- his whole life has changed and so has mine. I needed to vent.................

Wagon, my man was just 21 when he was arrested and sentenced to life in prison. It is extremely hard to deal with at first but as the years go by it does get easier. Just try not to dwell on the big picture and take it day by day. We are here for you anytime you want to vent!!!!

i feel like i may belong here. We went through 10 yrs apart, then he got parole on a 20 yr sentance, Well he went back to serve the rest. So i do totally understand what your going through. I guess when you got a violent offender as the one you love, sometimes it seems as if every day is a life sentance for him. He never gets ahead, he is always on the top of the list if anything happens, and can sneeze wrong and go back. Just like mine did. We are serving 9 more yrs this time. So he has been in, with jail time, prison time, 20 yrs and counting.I met him during his 6th yr of his first ten, and he was my soul mate. I cannot love anyone else and i have tried. I cannot fill that space with nothing but him.Most of the time i get the letter's and the light up my world, then somtimes, they just seem like words on paper. I go through feelings of nubness, joy, love, anger, a broad spectrum of everything, but that is just life. I finally decided there were 2 ways to look at it, half full or half empty. The half full version goes like this. I am his only love, He is not dead and i can still communicate with him. He still adds to my life rather than taking away from it.I have better communication with him than anyone else in my life, and more than i could ever hope to have with any other man.He doesnt ignore me, He doesnt take me forgranted, he never forgets my birthday, or even what i was wearing when we first met.He knows what cereal i eat for breakfast, he could find me with his eyes closed just cuz he has remembered my scent.He respects me totally because he knows (without a doubt) i love him.He is my strength, my biggest weakness, my greatest love. What is so bad about that.I think that we(people who love long term inmates or lifers) are the most fortunate people in the world. I know when i go to bed at night that im not alone cuz my man is cheatin, or working late, or out with the boyz, i know he is tucked in his bunk, waiting on me to meet him in my dreams, when you see it like that, you realize it's not so lonely.We are truly the lucky ones. Thanks, sorry it was so long.

Bonnie!! You belong here!!!! We welcome you with open arms!!!!!!!


hugs,
pw

Bonnie, welcome to the lifer's forum! :wave: You are so right, that so much of this is all about how you choose to see things -- half empty or half full.

As for resurrecting this old thread, for me personally, it was shocking (in a good way) to see it again. I wrote that post almost 2 years ago! And here I still am, with my lifer family -- and still having my ups and downs with that man :D LOL!!