Hello everyone!! I have been struggling with this issue.. and would like some opinions.. suggestions.. or feedback.
Situation: my love .is facing lwop (life w/oparole) has been in for 5 years now

Problem: Keeps getting into "trouble" i guess i was hoping that as he aged, and realized his situation his behavior would get better , it was for a time.. no fights.. no getting locked up... etc.. recently he was locked up for fighting (guy ending up going to hospital) because as my b/f claims.. he fell and busted his mouth.. now i don't know to believe this or what.. he states.. that he got into this altercation due to the guy stealing from his cell!!! now when i remind him of our promises to each other .. and how he was really going to try to change.. he gets all excited with me and says.. this is F@@@@@@ prison Donna if i let it go by .. then the next thing i know .. he will be trying to really S.... me!! ok.. now this is reality of prison folks right??? ok
Now not trying to sound naive however .. he has no intrest in reading "recovery" books, wants to continue reading gangsta , murder books. and i feel so frustrated .. he did read "chicken soup for the prisoners soul"""" which i was shocked.. i don't know what to do.. i want to write him and tell him OFF and hit him with a 2 by 4 for therapy!!! :) When i read other posts.. i say wow.. there guy sound s like they are changing or realizing let me try to make good or be a better person... IE: starting a sports team, or other "healthier" lifestyle instead of talking the BS!! I AM so sorry this is so long .. just had to let it out.. since it is so recent and you are all i got!! on this issue

I am in kinda the same boat as you - only my hubbie will be out in a couple of years. I am starting to wish he had more time. My guy seemed to be "heading down the right path" too but the last couple of weeks he has been getting the "prison stink". I am unsure how to deal with all of this - so unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I wish I did. Just know that there are people who are going thru the same thing as you, and feeling the same way as you are, so you are not crazy. PM me if you want to talk.

Here for you.

This is a great, thought-provoking thread!

Well, it was my friend who started the basketball team... but that doesn't mean he's ALL out of that lifestyle! He still likes the gangsta/mafia books too. And I have no doubt that if someone gets in his face (or he thinks they might) he will "defend" himself. They are right, it IS prison.

I am hopeful, but i also know that the longer my friend is in, the more his ideals and dreams might fade. So i don't think you are alone at all...

I've just been trying to focus on the positive things he does and encourage them without pushing... he wants to write (a book, essays), so I am helping him with that. If your man has read Chicken Soup I think that is amazing and a good start on him thinking about things -- I don't think my friend would read something like that...

I don't have any answers either, but in my case, i know he isn't completely changed, he's just taken a few good steps, and only time will tell. I figure it has to take time for him to undo his entire identity and then re-invent himself. Unfortunately, the prison environment may totally undo all that effort, who knows?

I really believe I just have to let go of a lot of it. It's his life, he has to live behind the walls and make his choices. For me, there is a very high potential he can get hurt or hurt someone and basically just break my heart someday. But i go in knowing this. So we try... we just try and encourage and hope!

Mrs. Malcom.. the "prison stink" wow.. :)) good one.. thanks for your encouraging words.. as i write this i sit on a letter that i am about to mail to him.. telling him like it is..

Qwerty: you made a lot of sense!! but you see i am selfish.. i want him out of max.. into a minimum and the only way to get there.. is by being a good boy!::)))))))))
and he's in for life.. and he also had said to me.. Donna, i don't know from day to day if i am going to live someone could come down the teir and stab me!! so i am stunned, confused, and i go back and say dam donna maybe this is a GOOD AS IT GETS.. :((( i hate this S#########!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT i love him Dam

Donna

The biggest issue these man face is what? :hmm: I am still trying to figure it out!

Life without possiblity of parole means they have to life and function there the only way they know how. This right here is there LIFE! Although that might mean be a gangsta/thug, they might be all he knows. You can try to help/encourage but you can't change some1 that has to survive each day. We all no idea what it might be like to survive each day.....tomorrow could be the last day. Our life is nothing like what these men and women must go through each day.

I guess with that being said, how can we help? What can we do? From out here I have no idea, I only wish that I did.

To Donna
Well I Was Reading What You Said About Your Man Growing Up With His Age Well Don't We All Wish That Would Happed But Reality It Doesn't Maybe He Is Trying Give Him That Just Like You Said Some Guy Tryed To Steal From Him He Has To So What He Has To Do And Since Our Men Are In Jail There Going To Do It It Is Alot Harder To Let Thing Go Like We Can On The Streets. Instead Of Yelling At Him And Thinking He Let You Down By Getting In Trouble And Fighting Try To Under Stand Him. You Were Mad That You Didn't Believe He Hurt Himself Of Fought Well If Cant Be Honest With You With Out You Getting Mad At Him He's Going To Lie And Then Your Going To Be Mad Cause He's Lieing Either Way We Lose. Let Him Know That He Can Be Honest With You Be On His Side No Matter What Were All They Have.

My husband has been down that road only thing we were not together at the time. But i can tell you where it got him 3 yrs in the box, he caught another charge while in jail had do a year for that charge it push back his parole, not only that he got kicked out of a few jails (NYSDOC) Now how in da hedouble hockey sticks do u get kicked out of jail? Today i must say that he's a changed man, he's also a learned man. He has learned not to jump the Gun and hold his head. Your man has life w/o parole that's enough to make anybody wanna jump da gun, da spoon, da knife. he might feel like he has to do what he has to do I might be wrong. He's a man and he has to make a "name" for himself i guess like he don't take no crap. what we might think is petty they take to heart. I know that in the end no one really wins because because at the end of the night they are still there .Plus we suffer. How you ask? well because if they go to the box we 1- either visits are taken away 2- they are on lockdown and can't call 3- or some other stuff i can't come up with right now (LOL). All i can say to you is hold your head. Let him know that you don't approve with it but you have his back . Good Luck

Donna...awesome post! This is such a valid issues that i think alot of us have to deal with. I want to really give ya some good feedback...unfortuantely its 4am and i worked almost 12 hours today! I feel we are one of the sucess stories, so i do so want to share my experiences with ya.

Alot of wonderful insight from all of the responses...wonderful topic.

My dear friend MRS.... I am so sorry our having such a troubled time, you deserve more joy in life.

Hang in there and (hugs) all around...

Dawn

Donna, I'm glad you posted this. My fiancee tells me about the kind of person he was upon entering prison and it shocks me! Not to mention all the violations he got within the first 5 years...But he says the realization that he was going to spend a life term in there suddenly hit him. Before he had no motivation to behave, nothing to look forward to. He wasnt willing to even try, not even for his family...but he was there when the riots went down in the early 80's and he was shot (in the foot). He says the guards finally had him where they wanted him. He couldn't fight back. They targeted him every chance they got for all the fights he had with them. But he realized that he wasnt going to get anywhere by violence because thats what put him in there. He realized that he could do more with his voice, than with his fists. He picked up a book and started reading..doing productive things with his time. He calmed down after about 7 years being inside...not because he got tired of fighting, but because he grew up. His "angry at the world" mentality didn't hurt anyone but himself. It took him a while to see that...but eventually he did. He has to WANT to change...and he will....

He says that I wouldn't have wanted to know him as the person he was before...and I believe him. People grow up. They see things differently. They look back on everything and they cringe...not believing they were even like that. He says he's glad I didnt know him back then, and I'm glad I didnt meet him back then...

Yas

Let me just say that ALL of you ladies have just taken the words right out of my finger tips (hehe)!!!

Ronnie has changed in soooo many ways, he has given his life totally to God, and says that he has been more at peace in the last three years than he has been in his entire life.....but he's still been in "the hole" like 15 times, for fighting and just being a the "mouth" that he is. He is very intelligent, much more so than most of the guards where he WAS...not sure about now...and he just tells them how it is, he doesn't let them get the best of him. He knows his rights that he does still have, and he won't give them up.

BUT!! I still love him, we all still love our men no matter what they have to do to live their life where they are...just like they love us no matter what we have to do to live our lives out here.

LOVE TO ALL
~Amber

Hi DonnaC, I guess we all wish for the same thing. My man is taking a recovery class but only because if he does it he gets out three months earlier. He is 38 and nothing has sunk in yet. He has not been there even a year. So I do hope he wakes up. But I have my doubts seen as he thinks about going back on drugs and getting his drug money. I want to wack my man with a two by four also. I am not sure really what to say. But to decide and really think about if you want to continue being with him and the possiblity of him never changing. That is what I have to think about. Hang in there if you need to talk I am here for you.

I'm not sure I even wanted to know my husband his first 10 years in prison! He has told me what he was like and it also isn't pretty. Although he will be home in a few years, he is considered a lifer due to his 50 year max date.

My newly adopted brother is a lifer and he still bucks the system after 20 years. It hurts when he writes from the hole due to not taking what the DOC is offering him, but I have to understand where he's coming from.... in a letter from him this week he said "they think by punishing me I'll break, NOT, I bend and move on with my time."

Being a lifer is so vastly different than those who are coming home one day. Many of them live by different rules. At best we can keep encouraging them and letting them know they are loved... at least we have to accept how they choose to do their time.

mrsd

I would imagine they all go thru a period of "what have I got to lose?" so they're angry, mad at the world, mad at the system, and mad at themselves. My husband is doing LWOP and he says that he's changed so much over the 16 years that he's been in. It comes with time, you mellow he says, and you realize that you have to deal with the fact that prison is your home now. Once you realize that, you make the best of it. There's a period of adjustment for sure.

I have a best girlfriend who is also doing LWOP, she also has been in for 16 years. She lives her life in there as "normally" as she can. She works, she socializes with a few friends just as she would on the outside. I'm sure that her attitude and my husband's didn't come right away. They probably experienced a grieving period for the life they lost on the outside, but with time they adjusted. That's no doubt what your man (Donna) is going thru. He's just trying to survive the best way he can. Patience and understanding is the best way to handle the situation I think.

Thank you everyone for your posts and sharing on the ups and downs adjusting of being with a lifer , who is really trying to ACCEPT, and ADJUST. I am glad I posted because it helps assure , me that 1. i am not alone, 2. that if i continue to love him (as suggested) maybe there can be change..
jglsqueeen: you said it perfectly with the "what do i have to lose">>>>>>
i feel my man feel s that way alot.. at times..
Donna

Wonderful thread! Well my man has always been a fighter, since the age of 6 his mother told me. It was how he survived an abusive childhood, the streets, and prison...so he thought. in the last year we went back and re-trained his thoughts. Every inital reaction to any situation or emotion was anger. So what we did was have him bypass the anger and deal with the true/root emotion for every situation. This helped him to stop 'reacting' to every situation. Its hard for them cuz they cant be 'soft' and cant get that rep. He is still paying for his "dont give a F" attitude his second year down. After about his 3rd year in segregation, he changed. He thought if he stopped the violence that it meant that they had gotten him, like he was quitting in some way, the system had beat him down. But he found balance. BUT he chose to change. For him the visits, our relationship and his existance was worth it. At the last visit he said "I am just so tired of the blood, and beatings and bruises and bumps. My whole life. I have enough war wounds, I just want to be done." I knew he would get it, but when he was 22 years old, the judge didnt think he would ever learn, so hes a lifer.
The last fight he was involved in, he was jumped and he didnt fight back. He took a beating for me, didnt throw a single punch, just protected his head. He practiced his new behavior...and was found guilty of the ticket anyway. His reputation preceeded him, in the eyes of the c/o's.
So its hard to say just what one thing makes it work, it has to be them.

Dawn