Hi.. I'm new here.. as in I dont ever read anything here but I want to get more involved..

I have been looking for people to talk to regarding my fiance because it seems like everyone I meet their men are serving like 3 years or something, and Aaron is serving 25-life for murder. SO I feel alone.. so its cool that there are others out there to talk to!!

I dont know much about prison and the system.. but here is Aarons deal.. he took a deal of 25-life, he was on drugs when the hcrime was committed, he was 19, he was sexually assualted by a gay man, freaked out, shot him and killed him. I guess if he didnt take "the deal" then they would have given him 3 strikes for the incident and he would have gotten 25- life anyways.. so he got two strikes knocked off and took the deal. He's never appealed or anything.

Problem is, while hes been in there he's gotten in fights and got an attempted murder on an inmate!! So he is now in the SHU.. in november he's supposed to get outta the SHU.. he's been good the last 3 years.. He has been in for 8 Years...

When someone is given 25-life.. how long do they usually serve?? I was told he could still go another 18 years.. but cant they keep him longer if they want? what are the chances of getting out earlier?? ANyone have any suggestions, info, guess.. anything??

I'm still goint to marry him no matter what, he's my love.. but I just would like to know am I hoping for somethign that may never happen???

Id lvoe to talk to somenoe regarding how to stand by your man thru all the years.. I've only known him for a year and a half.. I want to know how to do this for years..

ANd sexually.. how do ya do it?? jeeze! hahhahhaha

Love
dani :D

Well, I want to say welcome to PTO! You will find a lot of folks in the same situation as you in this and the lifer forums -- and everywhere else for that mattter! :D

I am from Cali, too. 25 to life means he has the POSSIBLITY of parole after 25 years (I believe he starts going before the parole board after 17) -- whether he gets it or not depends on his background, record and MOSTLY on the politics at the time. Fortunately, our state governors' recent history of denying parole to all lifers is changing -- not due to humanitarian reasons, but simply because political winds are changing -- the prisons are too full and it's too expensive to keep them in forever.

I'm sure others will come along who can fill you in on how to last thru the years -- my pal just started his 29-life sentence, so I'm no help there!

you have too take it one day at a time,it's not easy,but if it's meant to be you'll make it.you'll learn too feel each other through letters...toys lots of batteries....my man was sentenced too 23-28 years,second degree murder,and we're in a state that has no parole...keep it honest and open when talking(writting) to each other,when i'm down my man encourages me,when he's down i encourage him.i vent to him and he vents to me.i treat him no different then i would if he was out here with me.if i get mad over something with him,believe me he knows all about it,if i say something that upsits him,he tells me...we keep no secrets,and we trust each other completely.you have to.oh yeah..welcome too pto...take care of yourself..squeaky

I dont know what the other girls name was that replied to me.. but thank you for explaining the 25-life thing!!

ANd to you squeaky. thanks too!!!

Sounds like Aaron and I are on the right track.. we tell each other everything and write constantly.. I know how he feels when hes writing.. i know when something is wrong right off the bat.. etc.. we have no secrets with each other!! I mean, NO SECRETS!!! at all!! I am an honest person anyways, but I dont keep anything from him...

We have our little arguements here and there.. but they're more of a disagreement then an arguement, I mean, ive never called him a name or anything.. we've never yelled at each other.. etc!!!

I visit aaron once every other week (due to gas) and our visits are just one hour behind glass.. so I find it kinda pointeless to visit twice on one weekend when its just an hour.. when he goes to the mainline ill see him more!!

23-28.. damn!! How long has he been down??

When I think about waiting for Aaron, i dont think much of it.. it doesnt seem too hard.. but tonight i went to the movies (by myself) and i saw a couple and how he would put his arm around her and they'd kiss and stuff.. and it really got to me.. I'm so jealous.. keep in mind i've never touched Aaron..

Any of you out there not have kids and want them? Thats my MAIN issue.. im 26 and I want kids.. but if hes going to be in there for another 17+ years.. how is that gonna happen!?!??!?

Sometimes I feel crazy for saying I"ll wait for him.. but ive never met a man like him, ive never felt what I feel for him.. We have a special bond and I feel God brought us togehter for a reason.. we need each other!!!!

ANyways.. just wanted to reply! :)

Thanks for the welcomes!
Love
dani

you have too take it one day at a time,it's not easy,but if it's meant to be you'll make it.you'll learn too feel each other through letters...toys lots of batteries....my man was sentenced too 23-28 years,second degree murder,and we're in a state that has no parole...keep it honest and open when talking(writting) to each other,when i'm down my man encourages me,when he's down i encourage him.i vent to him and he vents to me.i treat him no different then i would if he was out here with me.if i get mad over something with him,believe me he knows all about it,if i say something that upsits him,he tells me...we keep no secrets,and we trust each other completely.you have to.oh yeah..welcome too pto...take care of yourself..squeaky

Hi Dani....I'm glad you decided to post, as we have a lot in common ;)

My guy Shawn is in the Kansas system, halfway through the "15" of a 15-life sentence for murder. He and I met as penpals two years ago, and this relationship has been a blessing for me. Though we've never met or "touched" in person, the connection is stronger than anything I felt with two-ex-husbands. I've gotten extremely close to his Dad, Jim, and can't wait to meet him as well!

Shawn has not been the "model" inmate, either....his disciplinary record is filled with incidents of violence, aggression and disrespect towards staff and other inmates. Before a recent transfer, he spent 2+ years in segregation. Since that first month of letters between us, though, I've seen an incredible change in this man. He has not had a disciplinary writeup in over two years, is involved in the Native American circle, and has started to read the Bible. Gone are the anger, hustling, gambling, and intimidation tactics...replaced by an exercise routine, praying, and the desire to "be a good human being" (his words). A skeptic by nature, I never would have thought the simple act of extending friendship could make such a difference to a prisoner. But it has, and he has returned the favor to me tenfold...I don't know what I'd do without his love and support.

As far as standing by him (and, well, the *sex* thing, lol) goes....I'm 37, and have been married twice, so I know exactly what I'm missing :rolleyes: It's never been hard to wait for Shawn...I'm somewhat of a loner, and solitude is something I'm used to. He has given me so much love, and shown me such respect, that I couldn't stray even if the opportunity presented itself. Monogamy is the only thing that works for me...if I couldn't stay true to him, then I would end the relationship. Even though he's never made a single demand of me regarding the issue, I know he'd be devastated if I betrayed him that way.

But, that's just my experience...everyone has their own path to follow. I've reached a stage in my life where I realize sex isn't the defining aspect of a relationship; there are other qualities that are much more durable (and desirable!)....like common interests, respect, maturity, faith, and shared beliefs. Anyone can have great sex, but without the rest...well, it wouldn't be fulfilling for me. *shrug*

Again, I'm glad you decided to step out of the shadows and join us...I look forward to hearing what you have to say ;)

In peace and light,
Susan

Hi Dani -- You can just call me qwerty, and you're welcome! There's a lot of good advice here.

As Susan says, "everyone has their own path to follow." So true! My situation is different, we're very close but we are working out something less traditional which doesn't mean it's not affectionate and deep. I've been married, raised kids and so I don't have that pressure and can just enjoy what we have together.

I've always had lots and lots of very dear friends, too... I would say one thing is to keep those friendships strong! No one person can be everything for you, inside or out of prison, and those other relationships keep you whole.

As far as kids, if you want to be with this guy, it's best to keep an open mind if you can -- but only you know what you want. I've raised a few kids who weren't mine, and they're all the same to me, I love 'em all.

Bottom line -- When life doesn't hand you the perfect marriage and the house with the picket fence (does it ever?), you have to be creative and keep your mind open! Life can be very full and rich when you have a lot of love in you and it sounds like you do!

Hi Dani, I'm glad you posted. I've been a member on PTO for almost a year and I have never been in this Forum! My fiancee is serving 25-life also, 24 of which he has served already. I dont even need to say how hard this is. While I am so blessed to have contact visits, I still crave to have the "normal life". I dont even know what this is anymore...but I know I am so tired of visiting a prison and its only been a little over a year. I'm tired of dressing and sleeping in my car, I'm tired of not even knowing if I can visit from one weekend to the next. Our relationship is thriving on love and faith alone.

My fiancee asked me to marry him in August of last year. I am so certain that I will marry him, but we slowed things down a bit. I am just grateful to have what I have as so many of us (who have loved ones that are Lifers), have less than that. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open. The fact that you're totally honest with him says you are definitely on the right track. Someone said "one day at a time"...I agree. My relationship went from 0-60! My head was spinning...I didnt know what to do. I was overwhelmed...until I talked to someone who had been doing this for years. She was so calm..so wise...I have learned so much from her. And even though her husband isnt a lifer, she still knew what it would take to maintain a relationship like this..."Communication" she says....I'll always remember that. Well anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you're feeling. I hate the thought that 25-Life could be just that...Life!


Yasmeen

Welcome to PTO!

hi!dani,my man has been down 8 years now.that's counting his year in jail,he's been closed custody for 7 yrs in state.i can tell you this about our relationship,i'm much closer too my fiance,then i ever was with my late husband,that i was with everyday in person for 20years.i think that could be,because with this type of relationship you learn to really talk too each other,and really listen.in no way will i say it's always easy IT"S NOT.but i would never trade it for a relationship with anyone out here.

hello dani well my name is melissa and my honey is also doing life with out and all you can do is hope and pray thats what i do each and everyday i am hoping for an appeal my man from what i can see may never come home but let's just have hope for the best he is also there for murder they can keep him there as long as the system wants to keep them there how i deal with it i go on with life i go out but yet i stay devoted my heart is inside i have to do this or ill go nutts just live your life as best as you can but dont ever turn on him or you'll be like everyone else including the system believe me girl they need us were all they have they need to stay human if it wasnt for us they wouuld turn to animals look how the system treats them dont lose hope

Hi my name is LaTonya and welcome to the group. I can say this my man has been gone 12 years on a 50 year sentence and i say that to say this. Love him be there for him but dont forsake yourself. I love my husband but my life and my daughter has to keep moving. I do what ever i can for him and always will but take care of you1st. I dont know to much about the laws in CA, because i live here in chicago,but take it easy and open honesty is always the best thing you two can have.

25-life here too. We were only 17 when he went in, so no I didn't stick by him. But ten years later, I'm back and we are planning on getting married. Lucky for us, NY has family visits so hopefully it won't be to bad. Take it one day at a time, and write each other often.

Hello and welcome to PTO!! I can answer one question for you and that's about it, well, with factual answer anyway that can be researched...the rest of your questions that I can answer would totally be in my opinion...but here we go....

Federal Supreme Court of appeals says that an inmate does not lose his/her right to marry, they don't have a right to conjugal visits, but they don't lose their right to procreation.

So you want kids...there ARE ways to do it...just have to save money and be willing to pay for it. I have already looked into it. See, in West Virginia we don't have conjugal visits. But also in this state, a life sentence is max 25 years, and...parole hearings start after 7 years....so Ronnie and I keep our fingers crossed, and our hands together on our knees praying to the only one that can help. NEVER LOSE FAITH OR HOPE!!!

LOVE TO ALL
~Amber