It's funny how art sometimes imitates life. First, there are the movies. There was "Stop, or my mom will shoot" starring Sly Stallone. There are others, and I don't really care to go through them all. I have never met my mother in person. I was taken from her when I was 10 days old and adopted out. I found her when I was 15. She had been inside for 4 years already. She's serving 75 for agg. murder. I'm almost 25 now. I've spoken to her on the phone 3 times. A total of 15 minutes in the past 25 years. It's completely strange to me to hear her voice; it's as if I'm talking to myself. We share the same vocal pitch, similar ways of pronouncing things.

When the subject of family comes up in general conversation I usually shy away from it. "So what does your mom do?" I sarcastically reply "Oh, about 60 more years or until they parole her."

Having mom in prison has become a comedic amusement. There's the overweight 'mama' in the pen with all the tattoos and the evil grin. "Throw mama from the train"

I said I wasn't going to do that...
Long story short, it's hard for me to explain things about my mom and not feel a twinge of embarassment. I love my mom, I'm glad I found her. But I feel like other people judge me by where she is. I went through the juvenile and mental health system as a teenager. I guess it runs in the family. All the while I knew that my mother was in prison. I'm not afraid of her. If she makes parole, I won't be afraid of her. I am afraid to be like her. There are too many similarities in our lives already.

Anyone have any advice?

I was adopted out at an early age of 9 days old also. i personally have not been able to meet my birth mother due to a death. but did get the pleasure(well may i shouldnt say pleasure) of meeting my birth father. we spent time with each other for about 5 year until i recently removed him from my life. to make a long story short He was into things that i didnt approve of in my life. i know it sounds harsh to remove a family member but with out going into every detail of the situation it just had to be done. i will tell you i am glad i did get a chance to meet the person i really came from. i feel that part of me is complete now(i dont have that lost/empty feeling anymore) there were a lot of simularities with my birth family but i learned from them and have become aware of the signs. no he isnt in prison but he should be... just hasnt been caught. i can relate to your story. i can only give you the advice that you need to listen to whats important to you. learn from the simularities and grow from them... being totally aware of everything will help you not make the same mistakes. pm me if you need to talk

Baby Bear...I am not one to reply to many posts outside my forum, but I am compeled to reply to yours. Thanks for sharing your feelings, it will come to be a great help for you. First of all, One must remember that 'actions' are not hereditary. Murder is not a genetic trait, nor are any of us genitically pre-disposed to that behavior. I too sound just like my mother, she was an alcoholic and died...i am not and will not. I can learn from her mistakes as well.

I have been involved with a violent ofender for 6 years now. I have learned that the act, does not determine the person. Good people do bad things. just as bad people do good things. It took me a long time to get this in my head...and the crimes dont determine the person.

You should not feel embarresed for your family's errors or behaviors. It has nothing to do with you. its thier behavior, not yours. Your mother has been judged by society, is serving the time, and that is the sentence. Being in prison is the sentence, not having you talk to her or visit is not part of the conviction. If you feel you would like to support her during this time, then do it. You will be judged by those that dont understand...and thats why we have PTO.

But like i said, murder is not a genetic trait. Dont be embarressed, its her behavior, not yours. People are brought together for many reasons in life, perhaps this joining is meant to be for reasons you will never know. Best of luck to you and your mother, please keep us apprised of how things turn out for you both.

Dawn

I am now working on her parole stuff. I have gotten all the advice I can handle about it right now. However, it is going to be hard to find work for her, being convicted of 1st degree murder and agg kidnapping. Especially in TX. I don't resent her, but I'm starting to worry that I might not be able to help enough. Funny how I'm helping someone who I've never really met...

baby_bear,

I have been looking at this thread for quite some time, wanting to answer you, but not knowing how to express what I want to say to you.

So here goes.

I want to come from this from you mother's point of view, for I am a violent offender. I was not charged with murder, but it was not for the lack of trying, for believe me that was my intent - rather than - I believed - at that moment could have ended with my daughter's or my death - or both.

I view my crime as defense of my youngest daughter and myself, however, the courts saw it differently.

I showed your first post to my two daughters and my son, and asked them for their thoughts. All three of them said that the could understand your feelings, but wanted me to answer you in my words. This is hard!

I was afraid for a long time that my children would begin to define me by that one moment in my life, where I had to do something horrible. So horrible that to this day I cannot remember some of the moment and pray that I never will, though I know what happened from reading the reports and talking to my partner and daughter about the time.

I was afraid that they would define me as a horrible person who tried to take a life, yes in defense, but take a life none the less and they would forget all that I have done that I am proud of, and hope that they were proud of too.

I was afraid that they would not see me as - the person that I am - as me. A mother, a Grandmother, a retired member of the military who served 20 years honorably, who continues to strive to help her military family. Someone who puts strong belief in education and I think passed that on to my children.

All the good things I think I have done in my 50 years of life, that do - I believe - define me as a woman, as an individual.

MY crime and my time in prison do not define who I am - it is just a part of my life,

There is so much to your Mom that is not defined by that one moment in time in her life, yes she is in prison, and is serving her punishment for that one moment, as I did and am.

The punishment never really stops, not only from the state, but the pain, hurt, self doubt that you subject yourself too, is also punishment.

I can understand your embarrassment, somewhat, but there is so much more to her for you to get to know. I hope and pray that both of you remain open to getting to know one another.

Keep working for her freedom, but always, always remember, there is more to her than her crime and prison.

Patti

Babybear
As parents, we never stop loving our kids, through the good times and bad times, and our kids dont stop loving us, cause its a bond that we will forever share, being made from our mothers body and soul.

Patti,
Your post had me in tears, you are the most beautiful person I know, and as a mother, we would do everything in our power to protect our children, during any situation.
Your advice to baby bear, you could read it really came from inside of you, and it showed to :)

I've been writing to my mom for 10 years now. I even moved from Alabama to Texas to be closer to her. I haven't been to see her yet. Money issues. As for getting to know her, we have been very open and honest. If I don't like something, I tell her. The embarassment I was writing about was in comparison to my friend's parents. I am not embarassed to have a mom in prison. I am jealous of other people who have the "perfect" appearance of a life with thier nuclear families. Leave it to Beaver b.s. that has defined the meaning of family in this country. The idea that she might one day be able to show up at my door is strange to me. Since our only contact has been through the mail and 3 five minute collect phone calls in 10 years, she seems to be more of an illusion. Almost like the letters you write to santa as a child. My life and hers are eerily similar. Financial background, even our families are in the same social circle. I don't judge her by her mistakes. I am slowly getting to know her. I realize she had a life before this setback, and she will again have a life upon release from prison. I simply worry about the societal view of a violent crime and the person being set free. There is a rather high profile woman serving time in the same place as my mom. Dr Clara Harris. That alone will no doubt hurt my mom's chances of freedom. And the family of the man she was convicted of killing will also fight this. I am only one person. I am not sure how else to explain this. I suppose it was venting.
If I have offended anyone, it wasn't my intention. I know what she did, I understand the circumstances arround it. I also understand her state of mind at the time. I do not blame her for what she did. Given the same situation, I would have done the same thing. It is simply the feeling of inadequecies when your friends, or aquaintances rather, ask you about your background and you tell them your mother is a convicted murderer. Thank you for the heartfelt reply. I appreciate anyone's opinions on the matter.

you are a strong person. dont ever forget that. people tend to judge a book by its cover rather than looking at the inside of a person. we all have a past and we all have things we arent proud of. if people say they dont have things like that they are lieing or just lieing to themselves. you keep being strong and keep standing for what you believe in. dont let what people "think" get you down. we all go through this at differant levels. stay strong! good luck to you.. dont let the snooty snickerers get the best of you.

Baby Bear,

Your 'birth' mother is a convicted murderer. I hope you have a adopted mother who loves you. A Mother and Father are not defined by birth. They are the ones who cradled you, changed your diaper, etc..I know people need and yearn for birth parents -but that to me is all they are unless they helped raise you. Also, the 'Leave it to Beaver' family is sadly enough a minority. I could go on venting about the problems with 'babies having babies' and girls getting pregnant hoping to get the guy or think that having a baby will change that guy...Your birth Mom did something, whether the guy deserved it or not is not for us to judge. A jury did that and she is paying her debt. I hope and pray that she has used the time to get to know herself better and wants to pass her message of inspiration ? I hope you can continue to love yourself and realize that certain chacteristics will always be apparent -but the difference is our choices.

It's funny how art sometimes imitates life. First, there are the movies. There was "Stop, or my mom will shoot" starring Sly Stallone. There are others, and I don't really care to go through them all. I have never met my mother in person. I was taken from her when I was 10 days old and adopted out. I found her when I was 15. She had been inside for 4 years already. She's serving 75 for agg. murder. I'm almost 25 now. I've spoken to her on the phone 3 times. A total of 15 minutes in the past 25 years. It's completely strange to me to hear her voice; it's as if I'm talking to myself. We share the same vocal pitch, similar ways of pronouncing things.

When the subject of family comes up in general conversation I usually shy away from it. "So what does your mom do?" I sarcastically reply "Oh, about 60 more years or until they parole her."

Having mom in prison has become a comedic amusement. There's the overweight 'mama' in the pen with all the tattoos and the evil grin. "Throw mama from the train"

I said I wasn't going to do that...
Long story short, it's hard for me to explain things about my mom and not feel a twinge of embarassment. I love my mom, I'm glad I found her. But I feel like other people judge me by where she is. I went through the juvenile and mental health system as a teenager. I guess it runs in the family. All the while I knew that my mother was in prison. I'm not afraid of her. If she makes parole, I won't be afraid of her. I am afraid to be like her. There are too many similarities in our lives already.

Anyone have any advice?
You and she are two different people. Just b/c you have similarities does not mean you will end up in the pen. Make conscious decisions that keep you in positive circumstances and in positive situations. CHOOSE to be your own person. You do have control over your life!

Baby Bear,

Your 'birth' mother is a convicted murderer. I hope you have a adopted mother who loves you.
Not to rain even more on this parade; My adoptive mother told me when I was 14 that she wished she'd left me in the trash where they had found me. No loving family. I agree with you on one thing- It takes more than just diapers to make a mom.

Whew. BIG hugs. Where did you ever get that sense of humor? Looking good. Keep a diary and turn it into a book someday, okay? And a BIG welcome to the PTO family, lady. I hope you get mom out and do fun things together one day.

people will always judge, no matter what...its your own judgement on how you learn from your mistakes...you and your creator...if you truly believe you are doing whats right for you (and you alone), then believe that you are.,..Creator gave us mistakes to learn from...my husband commited a horrible crime, one he will never forget nor forgive himself...but he has learned from that and he isnt and never was before the person he was for that one minute...one minute...

My prayers travel with yours and all of you who love someone behind those walls, and those of the people behind those walls...be strong, and know where that strength comes from....

baby_bear - you are one strong person and you have my admiration for all you've gotten thru and the way you appear to be handling everything in such a mature and rational manner. Many kudos to you!!

As for the inadequacies, jealousies, etc. ... I think it's something we all deal with no matter who the person we love in prison is, and even more magnified when they're in for a violent offense. I am a really open person, but there's still only a handful of my friends and family who know my boyfriend's situation. "My boyfriend is doing 20 years on a murder rap" is too much for most people to handle rationally, and leaves out millions of pieces of important info related to it, but people's minds tend to be already made up the second you say the word "murder". It's just too much hassle. I'm not embarrassed about him at all, but the people who get that info get it on a need-to-know basis 'cos, frankly, most people just don't really need to know.

And of course I am naturally jealous of those who have the luxury of free world relationships. Try not to be, but sometimes you just can't help it...

Your story also touched me because my significant other has a now-adult daughter who may search him out someday, who was adopted at birth. I always wonder, if she searches for and finds him and learns where he is and what he's done, how she will take it... and of course am half hoping she'll hit my radar first and I find her first before she comes across her birth mother and that side of the family, who he feels will probably discourage her from any contact with him (and he's probably right). I would hate for her to miss out on the chance to meet this wonderful, beautiful man who is her birth father, but I always fear that when and if she hears that he is doing, or did, twenty years for murder that that will be the end of her interest in contact with him. I think deep down he has already resigned himself to that being certain rather than just a possibility, but I have some hope there. Only time will tell.

It does my heart good to see you cultivating the relationship you are with your mom the way you have, and I can only hope that someday my guy has the same chance to have a similar relationship with his daughter. Again, only time will tell. Glad you shared this with us...