Do you ever really overcome the fear that your loved one will relapse? I don't want to think negativley about this but I won't lie deep down I am fearful that he will go back to drugs and my heart will be broken again but that is a risk anyone takes anytime they are dealing with an addict I think.I have loved him for going on 15 years now,he is the only man I have ever loved or been in love with so I have got to give this a second chance,it's something I have to do for me as I want to be with him for the rest of my life.I believe in him and I believe he believes what he is thinking and feeling now as far as NOT wanting to live that life anymore but in the back of my mind I do know there is a chance that when he is actually free again the temptation of drugs may be to strong for him and he may choose drugs and crime over a "normal" life with me.I don't really think it will happen but I do know it could ....make sense? Of course if it happens it will be horrible,I mean it will really rip me to pieces,I felt like I was going to die the first time we split up many,many years ago because of his lifestyle and I do NOT want to ever go through that again but I HAVE to give it my all and take the risk because he makes me feel wonderful and joyous and hopeful and I have never loved anyone but him so I have to do this and see if this is really is my meant to be and if it is my future.The only difference I see now and it's a huge difference then his past I believe is that he never wanted to stop doing what he was doing and living that life before this time he says he does,he hit bottom and doesn't want to live that life anymore plus since being locked up will be clean 2 years when he comes home the longest he has been w/o drugs in a good 13 years.I think its a good start and he has a fighting chance I just hope and pray he can/will really do it!

Your fears are real... Anyone who loves an addict in recovery takes the chance that he/she could relapse... It happens every day... It's not easy to fight the battle for some... But it sounds like your hubby has a true support system in you...

I'm one of those people that believes all things can happen if you set your mind and heart to it... I don't know one addict that woke up one morning and said "gee, I think I'll become an addict today". It's something they're born with and once they get exposed to whatever it is they become addicted to, it becomes a lifetime battle for them...

The key I think for you, the co-dependent, is to learn all you can about addiction and the cycles that "we" have become accustomed to... Do all that you can to heal yourself so that when he does come home, you can truly be there for him without falling back into the "enabler" situation... We, as co-dependent people, need just as much help as the addict, if not more... We volunteer to be the strong one's, and we do it sober!! Now how sick is that??

Life has no gaurentees... But we can play an active part in the outcome of our own lives...

I wish you the best and I'll pray that you are both strong and healthy people when all of this is over...

I agree I will always keep in the back of my mind the chaces of him relapsing. I have educated myself in the areas of addiction and give him my full support. He has been an addict for many years and has quit many times. Although he says he dosen't enjoy drugs and he is sick and tired of being sick and tired there will always be the chance of him relapsing. My boyfriend is more afraid of dealing and confronting problems. He never used because he wanted just to get high, he would only use when an emmotional disturbance came about. He is learning to deal with problems and he is seeking counseling. DebiP are you suggesting that all people that are with addicts are co dependent? I never viewed myself as being co-dependent just supportive and in love with an addict. I guess I should look into being co-dependant.

The whole support co dependency thing is a tough one for me because I do love him,I do support him,want to be with him forever but will leave if he starts using again...Is that horrible? We split up the first time because of drugs many years ago.I don't ever want to be without him again but I can't be with someone who is activly using again either,it was a horrible,heart breaking situation.

I'm not an expert on co-dependency for anyone but myself... I think what makes a co-dependent is the fact that we have a tendency to be more forgiving, taking on the responcibilities of our partner, accepting the blame for some of the issues that are caused by their addictions... I'm sure the list goes on...

There's nothing wrong with loving an addict... If that were the case, I'd be in deep trouble!! My Dad was an addict, my brother is a current using heroin addict, my sister is going into a recovery program for her addictions (on Wednesday, God willing), I was also married to an addict for 15 years...

I do think that even if you don't start out co-dependent, that if you're not careful, it could end up that way...

For me, the answer isn't to stop loving the people, but setting bounderies and sticking to them... I had my nephew living with me for a short time... He told me that he was only using a little bit of crack every morning before work... I had to set bounderies... I told him that he couldn't actively use drugs and live in my home... I would lay down my life for him and do all that I can to make his life better, but I couldn't allow him to use and be here... He chose to move that same day... I died inside, but I wouldn't really be helping him if I made sure he had a warm home, dinner, and a private bedroom to smoke crack in...
There's such a fine line... I wish I had all the answers... I do know that I hate drugs and what they've done to my family... I still love my friends and family who are addicted... With all of my heart... I will help them anytime they ask for it, but when they cross certain lines, then I have to say "no", I can't allow you to do this to me and my life anymore...

And California Sunshine- I don't think it's wrong to set bounderies, just make sure that you can follow through with them before you say them out loud... An addict needs to know that there are certain lines that they can't cross with you... It's the hardest thing in the world to follow through with...

I have spent time on both sides of the fence - addicted and loving someone who is- and highly recommend Al-Anon and giving the person over to God. We have no control. I can totally relate to these shares. I would like to toss in that the world is filled with people who got well, though. I know people who went to many treatment centers or jail many times who finally stopped. It's a disease.

My perspective as a recent relapser: the addict/alcoholic's own anxieties over relapsing are a burden which, if allowed to continue, will probably result in an actual relapse. For 6 months I was going to meetings yet wondering if this time was for good. (It wasn't, and I went out again, causing pain and disappointment to my family and shame to myself.) That uncertainty is a killer, and it's hard to know if there's any perfect way to get past it. I got kicked past the threshold a week ago and am living soberly one day at a time. I know I have to minimize the stressors in my life in order to rebuild my life and program, and my built-in fears of a relapse were the biggest stressor. Second biggest, my wife constantly asking "How do I know this is it for good?"--as if she knew my ambivalence (maybe she did). Now I don't ask myself whether I'll go out there again, and she doesn't ask whether I mean what I say. It's much better this way! Just my own reflection.....

I just want to share a couple things, just so you know that everything you are feeling is very normal and very healthy.

Chuckie and I are both drug addicts. The difference being, I never had a deep down "reason" to use and he was running from his past. Addiction just took over and what started with alcohol and a little weed, passed to pills and trip and then after 15 years of playing with the "drug scene" we were BOTH full blown addicts...over the course of the past few years he had been in out-patient, once a week drug therapy (court ordered) and would make about 3 meetings where he wouldnt use and then he would go to meetings high (on whatever), then inevitably he would be in trouble again. When he got busted this time we would actually sit and talk about trying to get off the dope for good, but were so scared as to what life actually holds out here sober, we were scared as HELL!! When he first got locked up I had slowed down but not stopped all together, I didnt know how to live straight and yes I was very scared. It was tearing him up (he was clean) and he is seeing how the dope is affecting me and it scared him, it never affected him as profoundly to know he was doing the same to himself until he got off and saw me on. That was a turning point. He has been clean almost 2 years and I have been for over a year. We want with all of our might to stay that way. He is pretty physically messed up from his abuse, but a relapse is possible, it could very well kill him and he knows it...but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Addicts have to learn to deal with their problems in all kinds of new ways. Drugs are the solution to a problem for an addict, especially one that had spent their entire adult life addicted. Be proud of your man Cali. Sun., that he is staying clean on the inside. This is my hubby's first bid that he hasn't used while locked up, as drugs are as much or more accesible inside...that is a good sign. Just remember to be patient and supportive and know that there are going to be days that he is scared just to leave the house to go to the store for a pack or smokes or a gallon of milk. I still have my moments and have been clean for over a year. It is a scary process but so rewarding. I know there have been some that don't wanna hear to pray about it, but I will have to say God helped me through some pretty hairy spots in recovery and also too my husband was my biggest encourager and that helped for me to stay clean. If you need to talk or want any more info please PM me and I will be more than happy to help you through this.

Much Love ~n~ Hugs

Becki

Thank you very much for all of your replies!
As I said before I believe this time he is serious but sometimes I just get scared,scared not only for him and what will happen to him if he goes back to drugs but also scared for me about what I will lose if he does as my boundry is no drugs,it has been for years and he knows it and says he is ready this time to accept it not only for me and his kids (Not with me) but for himself as he doesn't want to live that way anymore.

My question is this.....Is that to harsh? How do I support him yet not compromise what I need/don't need in my life? What can I do when he comes home to help support him in his quest for sobriety or should I do nothing at all and let him do what he will do whatever that may be?
Right now we don't talk a lot about it,every once in awhile he will say things like he is glad he went to prison it showed him what happens when you waste your life away on drugs and that he knows using drugs is not an option for him anymore etc. I think though that the real test will be when he is home what he does with his freedom and that is what I am afraid of.I guess there is really nothing at this point that I can do and I am worrying myself sick over the what if's that may or may not ever happen.I will try and supress my fears and take it one day at a time when he does come home in 7 months.

This is an excellent topic.
My boyfriend came home this past January after almost 2 years of being locked up because of drugs.
He was/is a heroin addict, and that was the reason he was back in for the second time.
Relapse is a VERY SCARY thought for the both of us.
I am sure he struggles even after two years of being clean.
It is so difficult cuz I don't know what he is going through. We have talked about it, basically talked it to death, but I have never been in his shoes, so I can't really understand.
Yet he doesn't know what I am going through cuz he hasn't ever been in my shoes.
Watching someone you love try to kill themselves is a feeling that can't even be described. Only those of us who have been through that can understand that nightmare.
At times I would almost rather be him then me cuz being the person on the outside is the most helpless, awful feeling in the world.
But of course, I don't know what he goes through.........
It's hard to know what to do if someone relapses.
It's hard to stay and it's hard to walk away.
Especially when you know they want to be clean.
Where is the line? Is there one?
This is definitely a subject worth discussing as it is relevant to so many of us!

I think one of the most important things to remember is that whatever is in the past needs to be left in the past... No bringing up you did this, or you did that... They beat themselves up enough without our reminding them all of the time...

Stay in the moment...

Pay attention to red flags... Things that change... Be aware that there is only one second between recovery and relapse... Listen...

And above all things... Love your addict as you would want to be loved... Love conquers...

I think one of the most important things to remember is that whatever is in the past needs to be left in the past... No bringing up you did this, or you did that... They beat themselves up enough without our reminding them all of the time...

Stay in the moment...

Pay attention to red flags... Things that change... Be aware that there is only one second between recovery and relapse... Listen...

And above all things... Love your addict as you would want to be loved... Love conquers...


Thanks Debi for all your good advice :)

I feel like crying after reading all these posts. I live with that fear constantly!
My question about "leaving the past in the past" is this. What if they were too high to remember the past? What if you bring it up because THEY like to forget it/act like it didn't happen because they are ashamed? I think for both people in the relationship you NEED to discuss the past & put some closure on it.... then you can let it go.
I AM co-dependent. My dad was a heroin addict, my step-dad an alcoholic, my mother a cocaine addict and alcoholic and I married a crack/crystal meth addict. It is scary. Always fearing, "When will it happen again?" Many times I could even see the signs that it was coming and try to talk to him, but it never did any good. I set boundaries & stuck to them. I did Al-Anon, church meetings, and supported him through rehab, yet here we are again. 4 years later. sigh.....I don't know if I will EVER feel safe again.
By the wa, my dad died of a drug overdose 6 years ago. He was clean for 7 years.

OMG! These posts wanna make me cry, too! My boyfriend, who's the love of my life, is in jail as a result of his alcoholism. He says he wants to stay sober, but he has trouble. I fear becoming co-dependent, though. I try to take care of myself, and talk to him. Everyone here has given such great advice. You are all in my prayers.

My man went RIGHT BACK to meth after he got out on April 14, 2004.... even he keep saying for 23 months that he'll straighten up and be a family man/stepfather for me and my son. But nope.... he slipped and didn't get back up. I offered him to stay here and not go back to the city, and he hasn't given me an answer. Cuz when he doesn't want to, we cannot continue our relationship. I'm sorry but I feel/know your man will slip, period. It's a matter if you'll help him get up or not.

I am very sorry you are going through this,it is my worst fear however I am holding out hope that he means everything he says and will NOT go back to drugs when he comes home.If he does there is nothing I can do to help him as I have tried and if he doesn't want to be clean he won't,he has to want it first. If that is not what he wants as he says it is then he already knows I won't stay,I can't I have been there,done that and can not do it again

someone on here asked about bring up the past. Well I have made a list for Mike that tells him how I felt about things he said or did while he was high,and sent it to him I wanted him to know how I felt in each situation, and he wrote back and said he didn't relize all the hurtful things he said to me he told me he was so sorry that I didn't desirve any of it. And that is the first time he sound like he was sorry for being that way, I have told him dozen of times over the past year how bad he hurt me but until I made a list and wrote it down and explained my feelings on each one, it didn't hit him how he made me feel. So I think was a good thing to talk to him about the past.
I am seeing a counsler now that has helped a lot. He told me at my meeting this week that I need to let Mike think about his decision he makes. I don't need to tell him what to do or not to do. It does no good because he has to think for himself because I can't be with him 24/7 so if I always tell him what to do then when I am not around he won't know how to make the right decision. Example is: Mike wants to go out with his old drug addict friends instead of me saying "you don't need to do that" I need to ask him if he remembers what happenes when he goes out with them, then ask him how he is going to handle being around prople using. And if going off with them will benfit him or make him want the drugs. Basaily he has to start to thinking about the outcome and that I have to help him, but not tell him. This is going to be hard on me, but I am willing to try I know Mike needs a friend I am all he has and of course most importantly God is always with him. We can be a BIG help to them and their way to recovery but we must do it the right way.
I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep you head up, and take care of yourself